Second, second, second the be on time part! Not early,not late, just on time. Unless of course you are delayed by traffic or weather, in which case call to make sure it's ok that you still come over. We had so many visitors (usually family) show up late and it was so frustrating for all the reasons listed above. It's a big freaking deal to get a small baby ready on time as well as yourself. My son's almost a year old and clearly this issue still resonates with me - can you tell?

How about, don't visit in the hospital unless you are close family or a very close friend. I had very well intentioned families from my church visiting me in the hospital (with their children), hours after having my daughter. ugghh.

get a baby ready for visitors? really? i must be a poor hostess because such a thing never occurred to me. i was caring for my baby whether people were coming or not coming or already there. i would also never think that the baby needing to eat was a hint to leave, because it would never occur to me that feeding is private. i wanted people to hang out and ask about the birth and whatever- not for hours, i suppose, but for one hour? sure! and then i'll tell them i'm tired and we need to take a nap, but thanks so much for coming. is it really so hard to be open and honest with the dear ones in your life?

I SO agree with this! I also hated it when visitors who came in the evening stayed after my son had fallen asleep. I felt like saying, "don't you realize every second that he's asleep and I am not is a wasted second of precious sleep?!!" Thanks for posting this, hopefully it will educate a few well-intentioned people out there.

We had 40 visitors in the first 5 days of our daughter's life. Most brought food; some stayed hours. As tiring as it was, I have great memories of people meeting our daughter. At the same time, I am super protective of my close friends who just had babies, telling other friends, "I'm not sure they are ready for a lot of visitors. Maybe wait a few weeks until things slow down, then take a meal over."

One word of advice for friends of new parents: don't bring enough food to feed a party of 8 when there are only 2 adults chowing down. If you do bring extra, keep out only 2 servings and freeze the rest for the family. They are getting so much food from other families, and some of it will inevitably go bad!

okay, i guess if i'm going to pick at this post, i'll share what i think visitors should know.

ask what you can bring.

when you get there, after saying your hellos, ask what you can do.

if you're visiting a family with an older child or children, don't ignore those kids, and don't just ask them about the baby and being a big brother or big sister. in fact, taking an older sibling out for a while, even a half hour, is probably one of the most helpful things you can do!

don't be horribly disappointed if you don't actually get to hold the baby.

I would add to the list: If you stay for drinks and snacks, please clean up your dishes. The new parents are already tired and busy. They don't need any extra work.

With regard to the length of visits: I loooove my friends, so when I had my first baby, I was really confused by how much I wanted them all to go away after about half an hour. I toughed it out, but I could feel my anxiety rising by the minute and I couldn't understand it at all. But it gave me some insight into why stressed hamster mamas eat their babies.

I also had this weird primitive reaction any time non-family members held my newborn for too long. I wanted to snatch him back... which of course I didn't do, since, again, these were my best friends. But still, weird.

I didn't have any of these feelings with my second baby, so maybe it was just a case of extreme new-mama jitters/hormones. But it has definitely made me aware of what other new mothers might be feeling.

Should also add: NO surprise drop-ins, EVER! My MIL called us when she was down the block from our place to say she was coming over with ALL of my daughter's cousins so they could meet her. We were beyond unprepared, and I was close to tears the whole visit. It's been over three years, and I still get furious thinking about it!

i am with you libberator...except for us its the FIL!!!

Dont touch the baby's hands. Even if you washed them. Dont let your kids touch the babys hands either.

As for feeding time. I was trying to learn how to breast feed and having a horrible time with it. its not so easy when ppl are at your house and your worried about what they need or if they will ever leave. all while tangeled up with a baby. Oh and if it sound like were having trouble in there...dont say it! we can hear you. as a matter of fact please leave we will see you when the baby is a month old. thanks!

Oh, ditto Libberator! My grandma showed up unannounced when my first son was a week or so old. I'd been up all night, so when he fell back asleep, I did, too. It was 10 am and my grandparents knocked on the door. I felt awful because I had been asleep, I wasn't dressed and looked terrible, and my house was a disaster. I was SO SO embarrassed.

And of course you can't stress enough to not overstay your welcome. When our son was 3 days old, my father-in-law brought his three preteen kids over and brought the makings of a BBQ. So my husband was out entertaining and cooking for them, and I was bawling in the bedroom because I was having a hard time with nursing. At one point I remember calling him in the room and whisper-screaming at him to make them all go away, but he couldn't because everyone had just started to eat.

Guess who got to do dishes?

I'm with doubledutch on this one. seriously people, it's a wonderful new baby who sleeps, poops and eats. I was so happy to have my friends and family come over because I was so so bored! and loved adult interaction (and the donuts & coffee they brought).

My advice to new parents is to chill the f*ck out!

my advice to visitors, is yes, bring yummy food, we didn't have much energy to cook or prepare things for ourselves, much less visitors.
Also, be prepared to see some boobage, and or poop. please don't cringe and say "ew". both are natural and I'm not screening it because ou are in MY house!

Thanks for this post and I hope there are more comments! I'm a generally oblivious well-meaning friend, and although a messy house and greasy hair don't bother ME, I realize that's not the point. I do try to offer help and leave with a quickness and it doesn't occur to me to hold the baby unless it's thrust upon me but some new parents are just too polite and I have no idea whether my visit was truly welcome or not.

Seriously, new parents, if you want someone to leave or do some chores - please speak up. Your visitor wouldn't be there if they didn't WANT to help, but may not know what you need, or may feel funny about volunteering to do your dishes, say, lest you take it as a criticism. (And if they ARE just there to hog your baby, then maybe you don't have to worry about their feelings so much, anyway.)

Well, everyone deals with stress differently. As a pre-parent I was gung-ho to go visit and "help" and just be all up in the new parents' faces! lol

As a new mother, I just wanted everyone to go away with a few exceptions. I have never liked unannounced visitors and that didn't change once I had a baby - it got worse. I get stressed out quickly and for me having a bunch of people in my then small studio apartment was not going to happen.

Mohawkmama - it's not always that simple - some people just deal with stress differently.

I have to agree with mohawkmama on this one. Parents need to chill out a bit. There is no need to prepare a newborn for visitors and really no need to prepare yourself. If the people visiting you are good friends or family, they're not going to be bothered if you are unshowered or if your house is a mess. They're there to see the baby! They are happy and excited for you and your family and it seems like a lot of people posting are very negative about visitors in general. If you don't want them to come, don't invite them.
Hospital visits are a different story. I had our friends' parents show up in my hospital room hours after the birth. They just happened to be there for something else and so they just stopped by!! Good intentions, but so inappropriate. If you're not a family member or best friend you should not be in the hospital (or home right after the birth).

I think parents should just be honest and forthcoming with their wishes to have or not have visitors. When I sent out an email to our friends to announce our baby's birth I said something like this: "We are going to take a week or two to get to know each other and settle into a routine. After that, we'd love to have visitors over to meet the baby."

Nobody except my best friend and midwife came over during the first 2 weeks and it was great. I didn't need to worry about getting out of my pajamas or having a shower, tidying up, or having coffee and snacks on hand.

I agree that if there are older children in the family, visitors should take some time to play with them. It'll make them feel special and give the parents a bit of a break. Also, some moms are comfortable handing the baby around and others don't want to let go of their newborn for a second. Don't be offended if you don't get to hold the baby - you'll get plenty of cuddle and play time as the baby gets a bit older.

It's hard for some people to "chill out" when they haven't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep/day for a week or two straight. Inconsiderate house guests, no matter how well-intentioned, can push a normally sane person over the edge. In the end, some new moms love guests, others want to be left the hell alone. There's no right or wrong.

My first daughter was colicky. She never slept. She screamed all the time, and nursed every 45 minutes for 30 minutes. I never slept. I never showered. I was never dressed. It was 90 degrees and humid, we had no A/C. We had no family in town and my husband had just gotten a new job halfway across the country, so we had to plan a move.

Mohawkmama, if you had said that to me 3 years ago, I would have killed you with a rusty butter knife.

By all means, call first. If your new mom is like mowhawkmama, she may be thrilled with you coming for a week. If she's like me, she may just cry on the phone and tell you to leave food on the porch and stay away. But ask the new parents--they know what they need. Be considerate. Be sensitive.

My 2nd is due any day. I'd be thrilled with food, but like some warning ahead. And if I'm tired, I'm going to tell you to go. (But I've done this all before. I lost that modesty long ago.)

I must be a major germaphobe b/c my #1 request as a new Mom was not even mentioned here. If you are sick, were sick within the last week or sniffling but are convincing yourself that it is "only allergies" do not come over to my house to see a new baby. If your children are in daycare, preschool or school, they are more than welcome to come & see the baby when they are completely symptom free between the months of May-September (Read:not cold/flu season!) but do not touch the baby's hands or face.
My newborns did not come out of the house until they were 2 months old. Yes, my baby and their siblings were complete hermits for 2 months following the birth! Newborns' immunity is practically non-existent and a "simple cold" could land them in the hospital.
Am I really the only Mom who worried about this?

I loved having visitors.... I was the first of my bunch of friends to have a baby (by two months), and they were great looking after ME. Trashy and glossy mags, beautiful bath products, sleepwear, yummy food already divided into freezable portions.

From day one, I felt my world condense into this one being, so it was nice to have people over and talk/think about something else rather than nap and feed schedules (or lack thereof) and obsessing over "is he supposed to do that" "what's that strange sound he's making" "are those spots on his leg a problem" "is he eating enough" etc.

They never stayed too long, but they also did what they could whilst there... helping with washing/dishes/ironing.
My partner travels most of the year for work so one of my sisters nominated herself the bed person for two months. She'd come every week, strip our bed, wash the sheets, and make the bed again. My favourite day, getting into clean sheets. My MiL also paid for our cleaner for two months, which was a great present.

I didn't have unexpected drop-ins, and I do think that's a big don't. But as long as they called at least a few hours in advance and asked, I was happy with my visitors coming.

I also got the better end of the deal, as once all my friends started popping out babies, it wasn't such a novelty for us!

I in turn did the same for my friends/sisters/SiLs focusing on them more than the baby, and giving a helping hand where needed, and always asking what they needed.

At the end of the day, you should know the person you're visiting fairly well (if you don't, that's probably a sign to not visit for the first month or two), and be able to tell how they'll be coping and what will suit them. Just use your judgement.

And don't come visit if you're sick. Even if you're the baby's grandmother. Because cleaning vomit off the kitchen floor is not something a new mom should have to do. Seriously.

@ BambiJo...I can't stop laughing at the "whisper screaming" because I've done the same.
Also please don't take my six day-old baby and place it in your 8 year old kid's arms because your kid "feels like" holding the baby. I almost snatched my baby back!
I personally would've preferred it if people waited a week or two before visiting, and advance notice should go without saying.

Yeah, it TOTALLY depends on the person. Between hormones, feeling crappy, postpartum issues, exhaustion, problems with feeding, and everything else, you never know what you're going to be able to handle.

If you're the new mom, you need to (a) be honest about what you need and don't need, and (b) have someone to run interference for you if you need it---a husband, relative or friend who can spread the word about what you can handle, and when.

If you're visiting a new mom, it's best to err on the side of visits that are too short.

One of the *best* ohdeedoh articles, simply for the rush of conflicting feelings it brought me! I registered to post comments for the first time because of this article. Agreed it's personal what each mom/primary parent would prefer and to that end, some moms have undergone tremendous physical stress/pain and require a lot of TLC. If you were ready for lots of visitors and aren't stressed about hosting, good for you, but as a first-time mom after an emergency C-section, I kept to myself with only family around for several weeks, aside from doctors' visits. Would have loved to be physically stronger for visitors, as I love being a fabulous hostess but I was living in my PJs. Agree with AmberM: speak up about what you want, and hope/pray for an advocate in your family who will get it done!

@abbygraykit - I took my babies out and about from almost day one, and had kids over all the time... I could not imagine having to wash my older kids hands every time they wanted to play with, or if I thought they were going to touch, the baby. I believe that wrapping them in cotton wool is really bad for them... sometimes they got colds, yes, but at the same time they were all happy, social, easy-going babies and these days they almost never get sick. All the kindy/seasonal bugs seem to bypass them.
Parents have never been as paranoid as they are today.

If you are visiting the family of a newborn make yourself useful! The afternoon I came home from the hospital my husband and his mother sat down to celebrate with a bottle of champagne, the house was a complete mess, dinner nowhere in sight and my 2.5 year old son tugged at my shirt and asked me for a snack. When I asked what they had fed him for lunch they shrugged and said um, a banana...at breakfast?! Look around, if you see something that needs doing do it, and that doesn't mean cuddling the baby unless that is what is specifically asked!

awesome advice

hnhkt are you for real? What an insensitive thing to say. we all feel different things when we become parents and illness is a very real danger.

I always ask new parents how they're feeling, give them a few help numbers for feeding and medical advice and say I will leave it until the 8 week vaccinations to come visit. this gives them an out if they don't want visitors, or they can insist we come. That way I get a feel for where they're at and the visit is on their terms not mine :)

I will never forget one of my husband's friends walking unannounced into my hospital room an hour after I had an emergency c-section after 40 hours of screaming. If I hadn't been so doped up, I would have killed him with my bare hands.

...and for crying out loud, don't EVER comment that the poor, new mother still LOOKS pregnant!!!

I don't think I've ever commented before, but I just can't help myself when it comes to this topic.

I think we should all respect that everyone comes from a different perspective, and it is safe to err on the side of cautious when it comes to a new baby, and especially a new mom.

As a newer mom who's first daughter was stillborn and second daughter was born at the beginning of a flu epidemic, I would categorize myself as extremely overprotective when it came to visitors in the first two months for sure, but realistically the first six months of my now seven month old daughter's life.

Never knew about the importance of staying away from crowded places, having visitors to the house, etc. for the first six weeks, or eight weeks for school-age kids until we went to the pediatrician a week after Gracie arrived. Probably would have been more relaxed about it had we not lost our first. But needless to say, I wasn't going to do anything that could potentially put the peanut in harm's way. Once you land in the small percentage group, the numbers are much more real.

If I could do it all again, this is my dream list:

1. We don't need to see you at the hospital. If I could do that over again I would not have allowed any visitors. That was time for my new family to bond, rest, and learn as much as possible from the nurses and doctors while we had their full attention. Really didn't need anyone hanging around for over six hours one day and two or three more the next morning. I don't care how far you had to drive to get here.

2. Offer to organize food/household help. I'm not good at accepting help if you ask me outright, but had someone else coordinated it for me, just for a couple of weeks, I would have loved it. Instead, I was looking at all the leaves outside that needed to be raked, my messy house, laundry, and trying to figure out meals when everything I had made ahead and frozen seemed to bother my newborn's immature digestive system (I was nursing, and had a very gassy baby). But if I could have sent an offer of food over to my food coordinator...that would have been perfect.

3. No surprise visits, and no calling ahead to drop by the same day. Pop-ins are rude, new baby or not - we aren't in college anymore. Seriously, want to help? Bring food, and put it by the door, call to let us know you've left it, and leave right away. No need to ring the bell or knock, a phone call as you are pulling out of the drive will suffice. Oh, and see #2 to make sure you coordinated it to land on the right day, and that the new mom can actually eat it.

4. If you run into us while we are taking our brand new baby out for a walk, please keep your distance. Especially if you have kids. We'll invite you over if we want to show our baby off. We are freaked out about the flu, and colds, and frankly, anything else that might put our little peanut in harm's way. And while you reach out and touch her, we are wondering, "when was the last time you washed your hands?".

5. Offer to be the voice. I would have loved if someone would have been my announcer. The person to send out the email announcement, notify friends/family/neighbors of our wishes (which by the way, changed after the baby arrived), when they could come by to see the baby, etc.

6. If you are sick, have anyone in your house who is sick, or has been exposed to someone else who is sick, please stay away. Agree with the person who mentioned the sniffles and if you think it's allergies...please don't compromise my newborn's very immature/nonexistent immune system just because you want to see/hold the baby.

7. So if you do wind up getting in the door, first take off your coat and shoes, leave them at the door (you won't be staying long, right?) and go straight to the washroom to wash your hands. Run hot water over your hands for a long time, and then use the hand sanitizer we put out afterward. I really don't care if you washed your hands before you arrived. As the mother of a newborn, I need to see you wash them before you come anywhere near my baby. Tell us we all look great, go on and on about how beautiful the baby is, throw in a load of laundry, and then be on your way.

Now, if I'm being completely honest, before I had a baby of my own, I am certain I violated every number on this list. My apologies to all of those moms :).

I'm surprised at those who don't understand why a new mom would want to feed baby privately without guests. Now that I'm an old pro at breastfeeding, it's not such a big deal, but I definitely remember not wanting to have to deal with helping baby latch, arranging myself & my engorged, uncomfortable breasts, and trying to remain covered in front of my father-in-law... it was an added stress that I really didn't need.

Also, I think some people who don't understand why new moms find guests a burden must've just had different experiences than I did. Not a single visitor brought food to us. Not one. And one family member even requested that I "whip up something for dinner" for her daughter, at 9 p.m., because the mom was "too tired" to do it when I offered her the use of the kitchen. This while I was still sore and limping around from delivering my 9 lb. baby.

And that is why not all new moms are jumping for joy when they find out friends & family want to visit.

Yeah, agreed with happyinseattle. I didn't feel comfortable nursing in front of people. I think I had some good visitors (one brought me Starbucks all the time and then would leave after 15 minutes, I loved her), another set of neighbors had us over for a dinner and then let us leave early-- and then we had the people who brought food and stayed until 10 p.m. not taking any hints, another person who popped in at 9 p.m. and woke us up after we'd gone to bed at 8, another person who arrived late and then brought children they were watching and let them hold the baby without asking me if it was OK and then did not leave for hours . . .

And if you are parents who live far away, don't insist on coming to stay with the new parents to "help with the baby" and thinking that holding or playing with the baby is "helping."

I had a c-section and my mother in law came for ten days and never once made dinner or did anything else to help. She would sit and knit and ask what I was planning to make for dinner! She wouldn't change diapers or even put her glass in the dishwasher. She even asked me to throw her clothes in the wash the next time I did it. I'm afraid it's going to take a while to get over my anger about it. . .

I had two girlfriends come to visit soon after I had my daughter. I was thrilled after feeling cooped up with a baby and even more thrilled that in addition to gifts for the baby, each of them brought me little treats - some of my favorite soap and a buffet of magazines. I was so happy to have some light reading to flip through while nursing.

I can't complain, because my family and friends knew us well enough to provide just the right amount of support with our first born. I will say that learning how to tell people to "hit the old dusty trail" is a skill that everyone should attempt to master.

I LOVE the doorway in the photo. ;)

i think the idea here is to be mindful and respectful of the fact that new parents have just had their lives change in a MAJOR way and as others have mentioned already, everyone deals with this differently. some people need a little bit of calm, quiet time to chill out *on their own* before allowing their loved ones to swoop in, while some can take it right away. as a member of the former camp, i can say that telling us to "chill the eff out" is NOT going to help get you closer to a visit.

many women go through some strong emotional turmoil just after giving birth and some find the event a little traumatic and need to find some quiet and peace with their new family before the parade comes to town. that doesn't mean they're bad people and it doesn't mean that they don't love you and want you to visit when they're ready. remember visitors: this time isn't really about you.

oh dear, I've come to the conclusion I was an incredibly rude host when I had a newborn. Me & baby just left the room for however long it took if we needed to feed/nap/whatever :) mind you, I'd spent most of the previous months leaving the room rapidly to puke so I'd probably lost all natural politeness by that point.

I think people are taking the word "prepare" wrong. We new moms aren't primping and getting ready for guests and dressing our babies up in their finest. We are struggling to breast fed and it's really stressful when your boobs have been private your whole life up until now, the baby isn't latching properly and then starts bawling because they are now stressed out and hungry. It's not as simple as "not inviting them". People called us and invited themselves, we did not invite anyone over. Just give people a week or so to settle in to this huge life change. If a new mom has time to call you and invite you over, then things might be looking up.

I was a new mom in a new town and I would have DIED for visitors. My baby did not like to be put down, and after 3 weeks of holding him 24/7 I would have been happy for another HELPFUL adult to hold him and let me nap.

So, I just want to say it is PRIVILEGE to have so many people wanting to drop by, bring you food, hold the baby, and hear your birth story. I cry at the thought of having another child without that rudimentary support system.

That said, the advice above is pretty great, but it is coming from a place of privilege.

I really don't think "guests" are a good idea until the baby is older and momma's more recovered.
Hospital drop-ins are only for first degree relations (and that with warning!).

But FRIENDS who don't expect a clean house/gerber-perfect baby/dapper new parents and who want to come by and HELP OUT- hey, those people are worth their weight in gold!!

If there's an older child (and you're a good friend of the family) offer to take them and a friend out for a "Big Brother/Sister Celebration" at McDonalds so Mom and Dad can get a break. Bring back lunch for the parents, hand over the kids and the food and Leave!

If the mommy is a good friend, instead of planning a ceremonious "look at the baby" visit, call, and ask, "What can I do to help?"
If she trusts you with kids, offer to be on bottle duty and change a diaper while she gets chance to shower and actually dry her hair. Do the dishes, help do a load or two of laundry or help fold laundry. All the stuff that gets left by the wayside when there's new baby.

(BTW- Depending on the size of the family, I like to divide a casserole between two "one meal" sized foil steamer trays from Smart and Final, so they can eat one at one meal and freeze the other for later- it's worked pretty well so far!).

Oh...and just gotta get all "Health professional" for a moment- Valarian's right, it IS a time of a lot of emotional turmoil, but if you are a good friend and any kind of health/mental health practitioner, it may be a valuable gift to offer to be a new mom's "Emotional spotter".
We tend to be really isolated in our US lifestyle, and it's way too easy for new mommies to slip into postpartum depression and not realize that life after a new baby can be different. If you have the skills, and you are close enough to make the offer, see about a drop by every week or so and check in. Even GOOD doctors don't know your friends like you do, and might miss the signs.
(This has been your Daily Public Health Announcement. Thank you, and eat your vegetables! )

If you have the green light to visit, and are close enough to the baby-mama to be spending the night (like my parents did)...CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!! Or, even better, go out of your way to help out. I'll never forget after having my first child. My husband had gone home from the hospital, knowing my parents were en route from out of town, and cleaned the house spotless top to bottom for their (and my) arrival home. Keeping in mind I was recovering from an emergency c-section and basically was useless... My family trashed the house (dishes, stuff everywhere, wrapping paper from gifts as I couldn't stand up to put it in the garbage without immense pain) plus I had a baby sister whining and complaining about wanting to sleep in the baby's room. After a whirlwind overnight visit, they were gone. I was left with the mess, while trying to be a mom for the first time, while trying to heal from major surgery. It wasn't fun.

Ok so rule number one - don't visit the new family if you can't manage to manage yourselves. :P

seam2stressed reminded me of one of the best things that anyone did for me after my first daughter was born. My best friend who lived too far away to visit, and who also had her own baby who was a year older (she also works in the mental health field) called me once a week at the same time while she was driving home from a class and while my husband was taking a night class. Her weekly calls to check in while I was alone with a newborn all day really helped me keep it together.

Anyone who isn't helping needs to leave after 15 min.

My mom is the gold standard: When she's here from out of town, every waking minute she's either holding the baby, cooking, or cleaning. And she just sees what needs to be done and does it, because she knows that delegating is exhausting, too. My MIL doesn't do anything bad, but she doesn't help very much unless I ask, and that feels so weird.

I have to tell you've I've been floored by how many childless women aged 40 have been the worst offenders. How do you get to 47 and not know that having a baby is tough? Sitting at my kitchen table and talking my ear off while the baby sleeps? Bugging me about getting non-urgent documents notarized??? Really?

I had to ban my dad while I was having a tough time nursing, but he was probably relieved!

I have three kids and these were never issues for us. We felt loved and cared for with every visit and with our first two actually felt a little hurt that most people stayed away.

I am sensing quite a bit of anger, hurt and frustration in many of these comments and there seems to be a common thread - expectations weren't laid out. By our third child we knew what we wanted (we love visitors!) and let everyone know they were welcome.

People can't read minds and generally won't be able to assume the right thing. In many of your situations visits were assumed ok and they were wrong, on our case visits were assumed not ok and we were very hurt by that. Please don't wait for people to offer help, you may find yourself let down in an already emotional time.

Be straightforward, speak up and ask a friend or relative, or better yet your HUSBAND (mine didn't find the task too much, even in those first weeks) to head up emails for visits or meals. By letting our friends know exactly what we wanted and when we had a wonderful few weeks with our new addition - and our visitors. But you gotta speak up or you WILL be let down in some respect.

WOW! At first I was gonna say what a helpful post this was for me, a married non-parent with a few friends starting to have babies. But after reading thru most of the comments I'm more confused than ever on what to do/not do!
Here are the lessons I'm taking:

1. Arrive on time, & only when expected, gifting a meal of some kind.

2. Wash my hands. Am I not supposed to touch the baby's hands? Is that a thing? Oops.

3. Ask, ask, ask before doing or touching anything & ask if we should leave every 5 minutes because apparently every new mom is crazy emotionally & could be going in any which direction.

Uhg. I think I'll wait until next month to visit instead. :P

When our first baby was born, a group of friends called and asked if they could come over and meet the baby. I, too, was recovering from an emergency C, and the baby was only 4 or 5 days old. I was hugely moved that they cared about us enough to want to meet the baby right away. We just asked everyone to wash hands and use sanitizer when they arrived. Then everyone took turns sitting with the Boppy around their waist, holding the baby. Our son was the first baby born in that group of friends. The friends didn't bring anything and they didn't clean our house or do our laundry. But their visit is one of my fondest memories of being a new parent.

That said, my mother, who is ordinarily wonderfully helpful, had new-baby tunnel vision and did almost nothing to help out, even when we asked. That was rough.

The best gift that was given to me as a new mother, was from a dear family member who organized meals for us.

This involved sending an email sign up sheet out to close friends & family before the baby arrived. The meals were delivered twice a week, during a preset time. This was so very nice because we didn't have a constant stream of visitors. We knew who to expect and when as well as what the menu for the evening would be. Everyone who was special to us felt included and were happy to help by bringing a meal and getting to meet the baby during their pre-set appointment. For people who were out of town (or lacking culinary skills), there was an option of sending a take-out gift card.

She also politely reminded everyone to deliver the meals in disposable containers (no clean-up) and not to stay too long because we were all overtired.

We got 2 meals a week for the first 6 weeks. After we'd put the baby down for the evening my husband would heat up the food and we would sit down to enjoy each other's company! It was absolute heaven!

So, recognizing that the experience and expectations are different for every new family.... I'm saddened to see how many new moms did not feel comfortable speaking up to express their preferences.

Now, I normally am the kind of person who tries to accommodate everyone else... but when I had a newborn at home after an unexpected C-section, I found it my priorities had shifted quite dramatically. It really was all about what was best for baby, and not at all about the visitors. I knew that what I was expecting from visitors was entirely reasonable, and anyone who was going to be offended was misguided and not worth worrying about.

And therefore, it became quite easy to become much more directive of my friends and family, e.g.:
-"Thanks for proposing visiting this weekend; I'm glad you want to visit, but it would really be best if you stop by _next_ Saturday, between 10-11am."
-"Hope you don't mind if baby fusses while you are visiting, or if I disappear to feed / change baby's diaper, because I most likely will at some point during your visit."
-"Would you like to hold the baby? There's a bottle of Purell by the kitchen sink."
-"So nice you could stop by! We look forward to seeing more of you when baby is a little older and I've had a chance to rest up. Feel free to put your coffee cup right into the dishwasher, and can I help you find your coat?"

Conversely, the most courteous visitors were the ones who just asked questions! "When is the best time to visit?" "What can I bring?" "Should I wash my hands?" "Do you want more privacy while you do that?"

(Turns out that being more directive has also been a good parenting skill to develop now that my little one is a toddler!)

I'll just begin with exclaiming how much I love my mother. My mother flew out the day after my first child was due, which ended up being a week before baby decided to be born. Helped me do random things around the house that I didn't have the energy to do. She was planning to stay at least a week after baby was born (agreed to in advance by my husband.) We discussed all the things that she could do that would be most helpful. She took wonderful care of us while I was in labor, making lunch for us, changing music if she could, getting things ready to go out the door. She did an awesome job while were at the hospital (although I still feel bad that she almost fainted because she was standing by my side for so long, she apparently forgot to eat lunch while feeding hubby and i ours). While we were in the hospital, she cleaned my bathroom, cleaned and ironed my curtains!, fresh sheets on our bed, vaccummed, brought baby's first blanket home for the cat to get used to baby smell. Once we got home, we had 1 friend deliver us our Welcome Home meal, stay for 15 minutes, and vanish. BTW...our only friend to deliver a meal. My mom then proceeded to make every meal for the rest of the week...even to the point of spoon feeding me cereal, because we were running late to baby's first doctor's appt and baby decided she needed to be nursed right as we were trying to leave and i was STARVING! and she took soooo many turns at holding and changing baby. (even got up with us in the middle of the night to take a turn at soothing baby.)

I seriosuly hope that my mother will make it in time for Baby #2's birth in August. But i think it also helped that my mom and i had specifically discussed thing she would be responsible for.

this time around...i really hope people think to offer to take my now 2.5 year daughter out to the park, and to bring over special treats for her to help her ease into her new role as big sister. i will probably also have to request a mother or MIL stay overnight in the hospital with me so I don't have to be the sole provider for a baby when i won't even be able to get out of bed (hubby and i are thinking he will have to stay home with the toddler so she isn't completely freaked out.)

It's been interesting now when I visit new parents. We were the first to have ours, so people who did stop by were there for a while which we generally didn't mind. When it got to be too exhausting, I'd tell them that I was tired and needed to take a nap. NOW when I visit friends, I schedule a few days in advance and ask if it's ok to bring dinner by. We try to bring a meal for that evening and a dish they can freeze. So far we haven't been great about being able to help out (I think we offer but no one takes us up on it). Tomorrow i'll be visiting a friend who'll have a 5 day old, dropping off dinner for the evening (unfortunately we have to bring our child as it's hard to get a babysitter, which i know is a no-no) and I'll do my best to discreetly check her kitchen for dishes and trash that we can take care of before we leave. I also make sure to ask how breastfeeing is going and if there is any info I can provide them with or any issues I can help them research if it wasn't something I've encountered. One of the best things a friend did for me was to ask me how breastfeeding was going via email the first few days after Ceri was born and to offer advice and TONS of support.

I understand every mother who's posting on here has her issues but I'm sorry, so many of these comments seem so dramatically self-important!

Wow....loved ones who want to share your joy are SUCH a bother!

Ok, seriously? Your children are clearly going to grow up neurotic and maladjusted. What kind of rules are these? And all these comments, too...jeez. Don't worry, though; with all of these rules, you won't have to even worry about having friends by the time you get around to your next child. I was thrilled to have people visit because they wanted to meet my son. I couldn't wait to show him off. If I needed help, I asked. If I had to breast feed, I went to another room. Easy. And I'm so embarrassed for you that you not only expect all your friends to bring you a meal, but heat it up for you, too. Really?

I, too have read this site for a while but never felt compelled to comment until now. It seems to me that the best lesson that readers can take away from the above is that all parties should be as communicative as possible, both the new parents about what they need, as well as visitors about how to ensure their visit is both helpful and respectful. The sad result of a lack of such communication would seem to be all the angry and bitter comments that are detracting from the good intentions of this post.

I admit, I only read the posts on Ohdeedoh that create a long list of comments. I was actually hoping to get some good ideas since this topic is incredibly relevant to me in the moment. I think there were a few good things to take from this: take food, arrange the visit(s) ahead of time and HELP OUT when you get there. OK, got it.

I don't have children, not planning any, either. 98% of my friends have children (or are expecting for the 1st time). One of my really good friends finally is pregnant (I'm thrilled for her because she has wanted kids forever!), and I'm sad because once children are born, friends are not the priority. And when the kids are finally old enough, we have found new friends and moved on...

So keep in mind, I'm privately grieving while you are celebrating. That might be why some friends come and over stay their welcome. They know their friend time is limited, and though we understand we are not as important, it is still really hard to let go of friends whose lives change, and frankly, we get left behind.

I think someone mentioned being very clear when friends/family come over, expectations, etc. That would be helpful, esp. to someone who may not have children and doesn't really understand. I admit, I understand (in theory) how much work babies are; practically speaking, I have no idea. If I hadn't read this, I most likely would have stayed too long, and made my friends stress out. I have two friends that I know will be worry-warts, so I'm pretty concerned about how to behave while I'm there. One friend has a dog, so I offered dog services, as that is one thing I know I can do for her, and she knows how much I love animals. Otherwise, baby stuff? I'm clueless. And I won't ask to hold the baby. If someone says "take her" b/c they need to use the bathroom or do something they need 2 hands for, fine. But I don't offer. I'm not comfortable holding a tiny baby....

As a childless woman the lessons I learned:
-Not one mother is the same
-Ask questions and offer help
? good enough?
(and be respectful of other mothers who feel differently than you might have)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, the whining in here is amazing. Don't have kids if they're such hard work you can't be civil once you have them and don't have friends if you think they're filthy baby-grabbing time-wasters. Expecting people to be considerate guests is fair whether you're a new parent or not, of course, but popping out kids doesn't give you the right to be some whimsical tyrant. The idea that the whole world should tip-toe around you and follow your unspoken dictates because you decided to have a baby is absurd. I'm surprised you angry moms still have friends to get snippy with. Don't be so deluded as to think your sleep-deprived, postnatal self and your mewling whelp are such hot stuff that you can be nasty to the very people who want to love and support you.

Relax, parents! It will be okay. It’s really nice if your visitors want to bring you food or tidy up your kitchen or whatever, but really? You’ll get the hang of this soon and it won’t be quite so overwhelming. In the meantime, try not to alienate people who clearly like you, mean well, and want to be supportive of you and your family. The last time I did this was more than a decade ago, and my memory may be a bit foggy, but I loved when people came by to visit. Adult people! Who were generally happy to hold the baby while I washed my greasy, greasy hair and were delighted to talk about new books when I got out of the shower.

This time around (two weeks left!) I have the luxury of older kids. Whom I’m putting in charge of such tasks as making snacky food (the 13 year old) and calling with the news (10 year old). Obviously, should something go wrong, we’ll need more support, but I assume this post is meant for the general, healthy, normative newborn experience. Which is humbling to be sure, but have a sense of humour about it and you’ll be okay.

Wow. I have never expected my friends or family to cook, clean, bring presents or offer their services as personal assistants after the births of my children. That is absolutely absurd! I can't figure out the sense of entitlement & superiority that new parents (and some seasoned ones) seem to have. Childbirth is painful, I get it (the adoption process is also pretty rough) but you have not achieved any great or unusual accomplishment simply by bringing a child into the world. Sure, new babies require a lot of round-the-clock care, but the real work happens over the next two decades (or more) of child-rearing. I'll kiss your ass and bring you some homemade lasagna after your offspring wins the Nobel prize.

Yikes, after reading the comments, I'm nervous about visiting a friend who's due any minute and re-thinking a recent new baby interaction.

It seems the common opinion here is to not visit until the new parents have had a few weeks/a month or so to get situated, but I *thought* that as your friends/family, we're *expected* to show that we care about your new baby by visiting soon after you arrive home from the hospital (or in the hospital if we're very close).

I thought if you don't visit for over a month, you're failing to appropriately acknowledge this huge change/achievement in the new parents' lives.

I guess I'll call/text ASAP after a birth, then after a week or two, drop off a meal (I had no idea this is de rigeur) and make myself scarce.

I knew we're supposed to let pregnant ladies be as crazy as they need to be, but now I'm learning that new moms also get a crazy license as well.

Wow, there's a lot of uncharitable snarking going on here! As someone who has been there, let me translate for those who are offended by the moms who have been scarred by problem guests. The moms aren't saying that they don't want you to visit or won't accept you unless you come bearing a meal. They're just saying to please be on time, be aware of what is going on in the new parents' lives, and be sensitive to hints about stress levels. If you want to bring food, that's awesome, but just don't expect your hosts to serve you dinner while you're there. New parents don't have any idea about how they're going to react to the situation until they're in the thick of it. Some moms are on Cloud Nine, others are at the end of their rope. Some babies are easy, some babies are extremely needy! As someone who also had to deal with post-partum houseguests (inlaws) who sat like bumps on a log expecting to be fed, cleaned up after, and entertained, I can say that it's amazing how insensitive people can be. I was struggling with breastfeeding, and my daughter wanted to nurse literally every hour. I was already super-stressed about that, but the added pressure of my houseguests and their demands almost sent me over the edge. It seems like there are a lot of similar stories here, which is too bad. Just be aware that this is a major life change for first-time parents, and be sensitive! Kindness, courtesy, and sensitivity is all you need in this situation.

I think it makes a huge difference whether you are breast feeding and/or healing from a c-section. Breast feeding babies need to be fed every two hours (no sleep for mom) and a c-section is major surgery (you can barely stand up straight, much less clean the house). I was dealing with both and even in the hospital, the difference in energy and capacity to handle visitors was huge.

We had so many guests at the hospital after our baby was born. We were gifted balloons, cake, toys and snacks. I arrived at the hospital with one bag and left with a carload of very, very sweet gifts. Unfortunately, nobody was there to help us carry all the stuff home. Flowers and a baby! The gesture was sweet, but I would recommend that visitors bring those gifts to the house instead of the hospital. I tell my friends who are parents-to-be to designate a relative or close friend to help transport the flowers, gifts and baked goods. That first car ride home has room for only one precious cargo.

i liked having visitors after our baby but hated when they didn't "prepare" their own kids on how to deal with a small baby or a newly post-partum woman. seriously, all my husbands younger sibling kept asking why i was still so fat if the baby was out of my belly. it was so annoying, i welcomed the adult conversation but hated having the kids all over our tiny apartment. i love kids but for those few hours i didn't.

This is why I never bother to visit friends with new babies.

1) babies are not something new to the world.
2)who wants to be caught in this drama
3) if you are too psycho to tell people your needs, then you can not get mad at them. We are not mind readers.

I prefer visiting new children when they become toddlers and do not feel the need to hold someone elses new baby.

If you need help the day you come home-ask
If you do not feel like visitors and are close to tears, greet them at the door and tell them you are having a terrible day. Give them a chance to offer help. Cry if you feel like it, maybe they will go away. Instead of telling your husband to shoo family away, tell him to clean up after them or you'll castrate him. Don't feed uninvited guests such as inlaws while you nurse and care for the baby. Retreat to the bedroom with the lights low and let them entertain, feed and clean up for themselves. Call your best friend to hand you food through the window if you need to.
If children ask you questions like "why are you still fat" explain to them that the baby left all of it's toys inside you or something crazy. Let their mother explain the truth to them. Then maybe their mother will realize that her kids were being rude and maybe even apologize.

Instead of expecting family, friends, guests etc. to decipher "subtle" hints please just be open, honest and upfront and tell us what you want.

I can guess though why people avoid that. If someone said to me they wanted me to bring gifts, gush over their child, cook food, clean their house then leave after 15 minutes I probably wouldn't visit them again for a long long time.

Surely there has to be a happy medium?

When my sister had twins in December she was thrilled to have people over--those who helped, that is. Usually visitors were handed a twin to rock, feed, change, etc. It was demanding, crazy and fun (and still is)! Amazingly, my sister has become less of a perfectionist/controlazon.

Also, I gave my mom the book
"Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother" edited by Barbara Graham.
It explodes the myths (in a loving way) that are out there about these relationships!

It's an excellent book to give as a gift because it's a subtle way to tell your mother/mother-in-law, etc. things you may be afraid to say.

My friends invited us over the day they brought their new daughter home. They were determined not to be overprotective parents and I think they've done a good job. They don't feed her dirt or anything, but they certainly don't wash the pacifier every time it falls on the floor in their own home. Or freak out if she starts gnawing on the dog.

They're intentionally loud when she's asleep. Now, at six months old, she sleeps like a rock even when we're all over making noise and she's never sick because her immune system has been built up. She's also very tolerant and easy-going, and she already knows what "no" means at this early age.

While I don't agree with all of their parenting methods, I am impressed with how she is turning out and am also determined to be chill with my own kids.

First, everyone has a different birth experience and a different baby. That is something to keep in mind when writing things like "new parents need to chill out". I was very surprised to see that lack of understanding coming from people with children. However you feel in those tender weeks after your baby's birth is ok, and no one should judge you for it.

I have never been worried about germs in my life, until I had a newborn in the middle of the H1N1 craze. My husband put a sign on the door that said "Jack wants YOU to wash your hands" so that any visitors would wash up immediately.

I found that having visitors one or two at a time was best for me, and having them come when my husband was at work allowed me a minute to go to the bathroom or grab something to eat, and break up the day. So when people called to see if they could see the baby, I gave them a specific time to come. They were happy to use their lunch breaks to meet Jack, and usually they brought me something to eat too!

WOW.

I am so glad I was able to be normal when I had my daughter. I was happy to see all of my guests, and to be able to clearly express my desires rather than passive-aggressive hinting.

And I have a four year-old who sleeps through anything, is relaxed, and has an awesome immune system.

New parents, get over yourselves.

Given the disparity of responses here, it sounds like the best course of action is to be very clear with potential guests about your needs and expectations, particularly with guests who've never had kids.

I think it's a little odd to expect guests to help you clean up, unless you're very close with them.

I would have agreed with many of the posters here that parents should chill out and/or communicate expectations. But then I had kids.

We weren't able to articulate what we needed or expected of even close family and friends because we really didn't know. What a gong show those first few weeks were!

Now we bring easy food, a gift and any needed hand-me-downs, preparing to say congrats, drop it off and leave. IF we are invited in, we stay long enough to coo and get on our way after 20 minutes or so. Done!

Longer visits later on.

Though I may steal crdesign's idea for new parents. Brilliant! And so so thoughtful.

It is a shame that some people feel the need to judge or snark on someone's experiences or choices as a parent. Unfortunately that is the unpleasant reality.

I think the important thing to learn from this is that we should take our cues from the new parents, remember that everyone has different experiences and feelings and what may be easy for some isn't for all.

I think it can sometimes be difficult for new parents (especially Mothers) to advocate for themselves because they are dealing with an entirely new dynamic. The business of being a parent is absolutely trial by fire. You think before all of it happens that you will feel one way about something and it turns out you feel the other way.

Let's lay off each other for just a moment and offer some empathy and kindness.

I'd also like to add that there are phyisical and psychological aspects to this as well.

I was lucky enough to have an easy birth- no tearing, etc., but was still in considerable pain, physically exhausted,(from the birth itself, not to mention nursing, which is harder work than pregnancy, judging on caloric requirements, and having your sleep schedule disrupted by a newborn) and pretty shell shocked. Then, of course there are the post-partum hormonal fluctuations, which can take you from ecstatic, to terrified for your child's well-being, to completely unreasonable.

These factors are very, very real, and can leave a freshly minted mom feeling completely out of control exactly at the moment she is supposed to be supremely (and serenely, and politely) *in* control.

So please lay off the judgement- those of you who have gone through it with all the grace in the world, and those of you who haven't gone through it at all.

Wear good socks and VOLUNTEER to take your shoes at the door

Wow. This really makes me not want to visit any new parents, ever, anywhere - lest I be such an unwanted stressful inconvenience to my friends and family...

I gave up about four-fifths of the way through the comments.

Really, it boils down to this for me: everybody's needs are different, and no one should expect other people to conform to a set of behaviors that have not been articulated.

Visitors of ALL stripes should always respect the lives of people they visit, and ensure their presence is welcome.

At the same time, new parents need to set their OWN boundaries clearly - what's NOT okay is for new parents to assume everyone can read their minds or automatically know what's expected. It's not fair to keep doing the passive-aggressive thing: remaining silent or saying, "Oh, it's okay," then ranting about it later behing the offender's back. We're all grown ups, hopefully, by the time we become parents, and we've got to own some of this stuff. Nobody knows what another person's expectations of them are until that person actually says something out loud.

Wow. I can't believe some of the hostility here. And it's particularly sad that it comes from other women, other mothers.

Stating things like "popping out kids doesn't give you the right to be some whimsical tyrant" isn’t merely insensitive, it's misogynist and ignorant. Maybe this is so disappointing to me because I'm a midwife and I actually respect women. Also, have been at hundreds of births, and I can assure you that women typically don't "pop" them out. Look at the size of a vagina and pelvis, and look at the size of a typical newborn's head and do the math. And the delivery is just one part of the birth process. Labor is intense. Some women have an easier time than others, but for most women, it's a profound experience at the very least. And if a woman had a c-section, she had a needle in her spine, her skin and abdominal muscles cut open, organs were taken out of her body and then put back in, etc. Where is the respect for this, especially from other women?

The postpartum period is also profound, even without complications. It’s often referred to as the fourth stage of labor. There are major physical, hormonal and psychological processes taking place. There is the beginning of breastfeeding to contend with, which many women in our culture have trouble with at first (they are often left to figure it out on their own after minimal help in the first days by a nurse in the hospital—if they’re lucky) and the awesome realization that the mother's life, as she knew it, is over (not a bad thing but intense, nevertheless). Add to that sleep deprivation and a general sense of overwhelm, which occasionally comes with the territory, and then add to all of it the miserable attitudes like those shown here, it’s not hard to see why postpartum depression is prevalent in this country. 50-85% of new mothers in America experience the “baby blues,” and 20% experience the more serious postpartum depression.

In contrast, in supportive cultures were there is a distinct postpartum period during which the mother is supposed to be taken care of and during which rest is mandated, where there are protective measures reflecting the new mother’s vulnerability, and where there is functional assistance and even social recognition of the woman’s new roll and status---postpartum depression is virtually nonexistent.

New mothers who ask for help are not tyrants, selfish, or unreasonable. They shouldn’t have to ask for help. It’s the love and genuine support of a community that gives the woman and her new family an opportunity to take all this newness in and actually enjoy the new baby at the same time. If some of that support comes in the form of a load of laundry getting done or a sink full of dishes cleaned, it's the least you can do. Some compassion wouldn't hurt, either.

I'm about to have my 3rd baby on Friday and I could care less if anyone brings me food or gifts or comes and cleans my house or anything like that. I'm not entitled to anyone's help or charity. I think everyone DOES deserve respect from visitors, though--just because a visitor has good intentions doesn't mean they are being respectful. When I had my first baby, I was horribly sick (103 fever, took me 2 weeks to recover), I'd had a horrible labor and couldn't walk and I was stressed about dealing with a new baby for the first time. My brother-in-law (with his 7 children) and my sister-in-law (with her 5 children) both stopped by my house unannounced the day I got home from the hospital AT THE SAME TIME. I know they were just trying to support us, but making me gather chairs for 16 guests (most of which were screaming children) and entertain them while feeling like crap was one of the worst experiences of my life. Guests need to be more cognizant about what the parents need--if you're really trying to support them, you'll put a bit more thought into what would really be helpful and supportive.

Some advice to new mothers:

Step 1) Cut ties with any "friend" who tells you to "get over yourself" "stop whingeing" or "chill the *F* out". "Friendship" like this you can do without. That should clear up about 90% of your problems with visitors. If they try to get a foot in the door anyway have hubby break out the rusty butter knives.

Step 2) Ask your husband to help co-ordinate visits from those who actually care about you, once you feel up to it. Be honest with your loved ones about what you can handle at this early stage (eg keep visits short and sweet.) Soon enough you will begin feeling like your old sociable self and then you can relax and really enjoy sharing your little one with family and friends.

Step 3) Trust your instincts and take as much time as you need to settle into motherhood. Roll with the punches, eat well, sleep whenever you can, try to accept help graciously, take plenty of photos, spend lots and lots of time baby watching and snuggling. Don't forget about your husband. Cuddle him, thank him for his help, speak kindly. Be patient with him - it's all new to him too. Try to go easy on each other - this will be one of the most stressful times of your marriage.

Step 3) Repeat "It's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase." Keep repeating until your children move out of home.

Step 4) Live happily ever after. In order to do this try to keep away from mothers like those described in Step 1). It's hard though - they're everywhere- playgroups, school committees, even the internet! Ugh! Spare us!

Wow, this was me 2 months ago. Friends would want to come over and hang out...umm,no! It was hard to say, ok Im kinda done now after about an hour. But prior to baby, I'd have never thought it was an issue. I don't think it has anything to do with being overprotective, or the kind of parent you are going to be... some people need thier space. Also as a first time mom, days after birth, you may be struggling with breast feeding, so feeding in front of others with a cover may not be an option. most ppl want to visit in the evening.. babies are fussiest usually in the evening!!

PS @Skyesage

I LOVE midwives! I had a midwife-assisted birth, and it was the most empowering, intense, and wonderful experience of my life. So, if you haven't heard it today, thank you very much!

Every new mother is different and has different needs. Some moms may want lots of company, some may want very little. It's a good idea to talk to the mom when considering a visit and say, "Please feel free to kick me out. I'd love to stay and chat, but I know you may not be ready for that. I promise I won't be offended if you just want a short visit. And if you want me to help with some housework while I'm there, just point me in the most helpful direction!"

I'm embarrassed by my filthy home when I just have a baby, but I love the company anyway. And my friends are wonderful enough that they won't judge me so I'm good. I'm very blessed to have understanding friends and family.

"When visiting the home of brand new parents, here's our personal tip. Stay for just enough time to wash your hands, meet the baby, heat up the food you brought if necessary and dish it out while you talk. Then leave. "

Wow. I don't know if you meant to phrase it that way, but that sounds incredibly arrogant and self-centred. 'Give us the food then piss off.' Nice.

Here's my personal advice to new parents. If you have visitors, recieve them greatfully and without a sense of entitlement. They don't have to visit you and they certainly don't have to bring food. Thank them. If you need them to leave, just say something like 'I'm really exhausted and I really need to put the baby down to sleep so maybe we could catch up in a while when I'm less sleep deprived.'

Simple. Straigthforward. They cannot reasonably be expected to know how you are feeling unless you tell them. It is your place to do this, not their place to figure it out.

This IS a most excellent thread!!
Here's what I am taking away from this:

1- Delegating someone to handle announcements is a great idea.

2- Sending out a loving email to friends and family (pre-birth) expressing preferences about visiting rules, handwashing, etc. would be a lovely idea. Printing these out and posting them on the front door would be brilliant.
Including a pre-set visiting schedule might be nice:"We won't be accepting visitors at the hospital, and we will be in seclusion for a month or so. BUT starting at Baby X's third month birthday, we'll be all ready and expecting visitors who want to drop by for a half hour or so every Sunday afternoon from 2 to 3:30." Kind of a modern twist on the old fashioned "At home".

3- Offering to be a "Food coordinator" would be a lovely gift. This would include sending around a sign-up list, setting up drop-off rules (just ring the bell and leave it by the door), calling people to remind them of their turn, and keeping contact with the new mom in case there's any tummy issues that warrant a change in menu plans.

4- Friends joining together to pay for a cleaning service for the new family (a REAL one that will pick up, do laundry, dishes, whatever is needed) for the first few months (and maybe starting a week or so before delivery!) would be a great thing. And maybe paying a local teen to rake up leaves?

5- If the in-laws are a handful make it clear to the hoard that your doctor has "Ordered complete rest" and nicely reserve rooms for them at a nearby hotel. If they protest,
smile and say "Sorry, doctor's orders. I actually have my very best friend already delegated to "repel boarders" (my loving, but utterly batsh*t and intrusive family) for my first week home.

6- For people who have trouble asking for help/knowing what to say: I belong to (and ADORE) www.flylady.net.
It's a free organizational website where they teach you how to get your sh*t together and run a house.
Besides having some great online support/discussion groups for new moms, they encourage you to start what is called "A Control Journal" that provides a daily list of tasks for cleaning/running the house.
A lot of new mums on the boards have said that their control journal made life with a new baby WAAAY easier, because the new dad or any friends who wanted to help could just be pointed to the daily chore checklist and pick something to do. Really good when you're not at your best or good at articulating things (some of us just aren't good at it. and it helps for everyone to accept that with patience and love.)

7- If you've got the dough, a doula would be most excellent! (I hope to ask the in-laws for our next baby).

Thank you @skyesage- beautifully said.

It is a tough time for mothers to adjust to their new role and friends/ family need to respect that. Some women have an easy time- some don't and there are a lot in between.

Let me also add that if you are planning to visit a new mom- call and say "I am going to stop by the drugstore/ grocery/ target/ etc. Can I pick up anything for you?" That new mom might be in the middle of a marathon nursing session dreaming of ice cream and somehow out of toilet paper & GIANT maxi-pads.

The best advice for new moms is to join a mom's group with other new moms! The hospital offered one led by a retired nurse. It was one of my first "out of the house alone with the baby how does the car seat snap and stroller fold up is there spit up all over my back" experiences and it was great to be sharing it with others who were in the exact same place. Plus we spent the entire time, nursing, talking about baby poop and complaining about visitors together.

The point is to respect mothers and honor the birth experience. Happy mother's day!

Oh wow, what a thread! This is my first ohdeedoh post and I'm amazed by the passion.

Take-home message for me, a woman still childless: Talk. Be honest. Don't offend and don't be easily offended. If everyone respects everyone's needs, I'm sure it will be a ball.

The biggest thing I took from these comments is that there are a lot of inconsiderate jerks on here.

Having a baby is hard work, before, during and after the birth. Just be frigging respectful. Jesus.
Couldn't agree more with skyesage's comment.