Since no one in my family will ever buy me what I want, I ask for gift certificates to my favorite stores, this way I can buy what I want and it makes it easier for them.

This is birthday rather than christmas related, but since my birthday is in December, I recently dealt with this issue.

I know this probably sounds selfish but one of the main reasons I don't want my friends to give me birthday presents is because I don't want to have to buy presents for everyone else when their birthdays come around.

Not only do you get a bunch of stuff you don't want or need simply because people feel obligated to bring gifts to a birthday party, but then you have to buy a bunch of stuff that they probably don't want or need just because they bought you something you didn't want or need. It is such a waste of money.

I had a birthday party last year at a nice bar/club and I had the food catered. I specified on the evite that people should not bring presents - please just contribute $10 towards the food (It covered about half of the catering costs). People STILL bought gifts! So this year, I had my boyfriend send out the invitations (which I ghost-wrote) which said "I know a lot of people who say they don't want gifts don't really mean it, but she really does."

I reinforce my message by not bringing gifts to other people's birthday parties - just a nice card.

I know that my comment wasn't particularly helpful in answering the question, but it did provide me with an opportunity to vent.

I agree that, if people insist on giving you gifts, ask for a gift card. I just moved into a new apartment and my parents just gave me cash for my present - to go towards decorating. Of course, I have a family friend who always gives me chotchkes or unwearable clothes as presents - my mom tried to get her to give me a gift certificate to B,B&B this year - to no avail.

Why don't you tell them to donate to a charity?

Heifer International is a great charity that some people may like as an alternative.

http://www.heifer.org/

According to the concerned reader, the gifts she/he receives often end up at Goodwill within the month. How about suggesting a more direct straight-to-charity route for those pesky relatives who insist on getting you gifts? You could ask them to donate to Toys for Tots, Dress for Success or whatever charity is near and dear to your heart.
If they still insist on getting something for you, I'm with Luigi on the gift certificate ideas. If you have a small studio you might not have a lot of room for excess "stuff", but gift certificates for places like Target, grocery stores, Starbucks, the movie theatre are great. That way you can buy essentials you would buy anyway (food, toilet paper) or at least stay caffeinated or entertained!

A friend of mine dealt with this by calling or e-mailing each person (well before Christmas) and telling them straight out that she did not want to exchange gifts anymore. She suggested having lunch or dinner get togethers instead. The one person who disregarded her request got to watch my friend throw all her gifts away in the trash without even opening them. Brutal? You bet. I don't think I could do it but she made her point. She's been gift free ever since.

P.S. The aformentioned friend DID manage to keep good relations with her family and friends. Honest.

My turn to vent! One of my friends routinely specifies "no gifts" on birthday evites. I've always taken his word for it. (And the guests do split the food-and-drink bill; my "even" share supports other people's much heavier drinking.) But most of his friends DO bring gifts, and he makes a huge kissy-kissy fuss over how great they are for it... while I end up just sitting there, feeling like a schlub.

I'm starting to want to stamp out "no gifts" statements on invitations. If he hadn't SAID "no gifts," I would have shown up with a little box of pricey chocolates or something, thus sparing myself a good deal of social embarrassment.

I'm definitly on board the gift certificate train (and my sweet mom happily obliges, thank god), but I do know people who feel them impersonal, or feel pressured to give an amount they would not normally spend otherwise, since the amount is so blatant.

That's why I like Starbuck's, Blockbuster, Dunkin' Dounts and even the McD's Arch card.

Another thing to consider... a prepaid phone card.

PS: I think the post office is collecting prepaid phone cards for troops overseas.

What about just stopping the purchase of gifts to those same "offending parties"? Is that too wierd?

Otherwise, I say thank them gratefully (it IS still the thought that counts) and someplace like Housing Works will be the beneficiary come January...

I got a lovely piece of spam from my father, which, instead of deleting, I think I saved it into my Sentimental Hogwash folder.

It told a very touching story which I just can't bear to bore you with, but the upshot was this: the family mentioned in the little story ended up having a tradition of giving each other envelopes describing what charity they had given money to SORT of on their behalf, but not necessarily in their name.

So... if you are DETERMINED not to receive any gifts, and if you think that anyone will listen to you at all, then perhaps suggest that gifts in your name can be given to [name your charity here].

If there are a variety of charities you like, and you want to maintain a little bit of Peace on Earth, then perhaps you could ask that kindred spirit cousin that helped you pick out your kitten from the shelter to give to the ASPCA (or something).

Maybe the only thing you have in common with your Republican grandmother is a love of art, so maybe you could ask her to donate in your name to MOMA or the Met?

Maybe you helped a relative work on a home improvement project and had a conversation about Habitat for Humanity, and would feel comfortable about asking for a donation to be given in your name there?

The Katrina disaster kind of flipped me out, since I'm originally from that area, so I took some half-days of vacation to help answer phones for the Red Cross at their Upper West Side offices. My boss sent them a donation in my name and they sent me a little card, and I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

That would be a way for them to get you nothing, and yet make them feel like they were getting you something.

And ... uh ... they just might want you to do the same thing, but kind of like when parents get Christmas lists from kids, make them tell you a variety of organizations, so you can find one of them that you can wrap your own mind around, so you're not giving money to something that you're against. The whole point here would be finding things that bring you together -- NOT find new ways to pick a fight.

Wende - I don't think you should feel like a shlub at all! You followed the instructions and did what your friend asked. You're not there to impress anyone but to be a good friend. After your five minutes of social embarrassment are over, you can go home knowing you saved yourself some moulah. No one is going to remember the next day what any of the presents were and who gave them.

P2 - that's what I do. I went to a birthday party the week before my party and I did not bring a gift. It was a pot luck so I brought yummy homemade brownies and a card. Sure, I felt awkward for five seconds when I ran into another friend carrying a little bag from bath and bodyworks on my way to the party. But I just reminded myself of the message I wanted to send - no presents - no presents - and I plunged ahead. It was fine. And the following week at my party, the person whose birthday I had gone to did not bring a present. Of course, she did bring a bunch of flowers, so I guess some people just can't bear to show up a party empty-handed. what can you do?

Now my turn - I am (was) always buying gifts for my brother and his 2 children at christmas and birthdays. Nobody ever bothered to say thank you. EVER. As if it was simply expected so why bother saying "Thank you". So this year I decided not to send any presents their way. I know that it's going to pissed him off when they realize I didn't get the kids anything but I have a very limited budget and a simple Thank You shouldn't kill them.

I would prefer giving to charity. I tell my other brother and my mother to do the same instead of getting me something. There are kids out there that won't have a Christmas because of the financial struggle their parents go thru. I always donate toys.

Speaking of gifts - is anyone taking anything to the party? Like a bottle of wine or something? It feels weird to show up at a party empty handed.

LOL -I don't think they will mind as long as you don't leave empty-handed, if you know what I mean.

anne-
I think that if you bring 20 smackers to shell out for each of however many of your choice of the 2 lovely T-shirt designs you'll get about as wet an air kiss as they would ever give to non-family-members. Personally, I really WANT the T-shirt.

Last year i was stumped on what to get my mom. she's retired and she told us flat out she didn't want any gifts, "just stay on your medication and i'll be happy," blah, blah, blah.
No more perfume, cookie jars (she's a collector) nick nacks, et cetera. So on the way home bought a bunch of groceries from Whole Foods (she doesn't have one in her area) and she loved it.

I have this same problem. Like New Tenant, I have a December birthday, and I just end up with all this crap at the end of the holidays. My mom has this rule that "the piles have to be even" between my sister and I, but my sister needs [and likes] more stuff than I do. She does get me gift certificates, or things that quickly become store credit... I think she just has to buy me objects, and I can remind her but should just get used to it. Unless I'm really rude about it [I called her once on Thanksgiving morning to bitch about the unannounced package I got the day before that contained a now-broken side table], she doesn't seem to mind that I don't really take things home, or only take home the things that I like. Still, last year, she bought me an oven. I don't want another oven... This year I reminded her that she'd already given me a bunch this year and that I didn't want anything else...

Maybe another alternative to "no gifts" is "bring things to eat -- storebought is great!"... Not everyone has the time to bake brownies...

And how about those awkward office gift exchanges? I hate my boss and she hates me (and is trying to fire me/force me to resign as I type this) and yet she insisted that I participate in our department's gift exchange to show that I'm a "team player." I don't like the people I work with, and she has done her best to poison them against me, so I didn't want to buy any of them a gift and certainly did not want anything from them. I ended up having to spend the absurd $50 minimum on a gift for someone I hate who did not appreciate the time and thought I put into her gift, despite my disdain for her. I won't go into the cheesey crap I received. All the time, I couldn't help thinking about how I told MY family I probably wouldn't be able to buy them gifts this year due to my looming unemployment, yet I was forced to throw away money on someone I dislike.

Sorry--had to vent!

yikes - $50 minimum for an office gift exchange. That's crazy.

soontobeunemployed - I was in the same boat a few years ago. I knew that if I quit I wouldn't get unemployment so I stayed until she fired me - on new year's eve, no less! And as she was talking to me and justifying her actions I was thinking "yada yada yada, just say it so I can get outta here!"

There's a $25 limit at job, and that generally only rolls downhill, so-to-speak. That's not among everyone.

Gee, soontobeunemployed, that really bites.

Our office party is while I'm out of town, so I'm just giving everyone the cute little 2"x3" picture frames I give them every year tomorrow, before I head out of town. They don't cost much, they're easy to re-gift if people want to, but since most people have a pet or a child or something they have pictures of and they go over pretty well.

3 words: Buy Nothing Christmas

http://www.buynothingchristmas.org

sheesh -- i can totally sympathize with Rye's friend and others who hate getting bad gifts. I hate it too. My family is addicted to bad gifts. i get bulky computer monitor lights (i'm 25, i don't need to light up my computer), poofy skirts in a size 14 (ok, i'm not a stick but I was only a 10 once, during a very bad year), etc.

still i *love* getting gifts and I *love* giving gifts. It's great! they thought about you and it's yours to do what you want with (including give it away).

Telling people to not give gifts or give to a charity is totally cool, but people who go to such lengths to ensure that they *don't* get gifts sound like huge control freaks, imho. Rye, does your friend have a really strict diet? (that's a shoutout to an AT open thread from long ago)...

I love gifts too, but I prefer those that come from the person's hands not from a shopping mall. Some of the gifts I've given in recent years include: a homemade cookbook with recipes selected from my collection according to the person's tastes, a duct tape wallet I made myself (instructions are online), a folder stuffed with articles I dug up on a topic the receiver was interested in (I'm a librarian!), etc.

Two of my friends and I came to the realization that at Christmas and birthdays we were just exchanging expensive "stuff." For 10 years now we've been celebrating our birthdays at a spa. After purifying our bodies we go out for pizza and cheese cake.

the other day i was at the ralph lauren store on madison avenue
where i overheard a man tell a woman he was with " if he gives me a gift like that this year, i will throw it at him" in an annoyed voice.it was such a jaded thing to say at the begining of the holiday shopping season, that it made me stop and think about that expression it's the thought that counts,it really means something. realatives and coworkers don't always know exactly the gift we want or need. so the best thing is to be gracious and thank them and donate it or give it to someone you know who would like it.

Cristy quoth: "Telling people to not give gifts or give to a charity is totally cool, but people who go to such lengths to ensure that they *don't* get gifts sound like huge control freaks, imho."

When we downsized to an urban apartment, I unleashed my inner control freak. It doesn't take much to upset the delicate ecological balance of our limited space. And it's not even that our apartment is particularly "designed," much less sleek or minimalist. It's just that I like things put away, and I'm nutty about wanting my closets to be neat enough to invite visitors in (which they're not at the moment, and it's bugging me).

It seems sad to have people spend effort on gifts that just aren't our tastes -- not because our tastes are particularly wonderful and special, but because we don't have room for unloved or unused stuff, yet immediately getting rid of it feels like rejecting the good feelings that came with the gift. Fortunately, people we're on gift-giving terms with mostly understand our situation.

I think there are some people who just like giving gifts, and it's more about the giver than the receiver (especially when the giver lives in the exurbs and likes to troll those warehouse stores--they see something giant and cheap to give to us studio-apartment dwelling types). I rely on my trusty Amazon wish list to get me through the holidays and birthdays. My SO's family live across the country and always send me stuff, so this way they can at least get a handle on what I like or need (and I can keep the scale small).

If you don't want any presents, but you still are contending with people who just love giving gifts, you can write up a small online wish list of inexpensive items you think other people you know would enjoy. After the holidays are over, you can give unwrapped stuff to your friends for an official New Year's Purge.

Food's decent to receive as a gift too--at least it's biodegradable when you toss it (hopefully!)

No one's mentioned soap yet, so I just have to. Charity is perfect for people who specifically say they don't want anything but, if the pretty wrapped package is obligatory...well everyone needs it and if they don't like the scent it's very regiftable. Also scalable, If you're a big spender it's surprisingly easy to drop money at a place like Fresh. By next Christmas it will be gone. I hear that's what the British royal family does, so it's real class too (please read 'real class' with Chicago gangster accent or it won't be funny.)

cristy: No, the friend with the no-gift policy would probably love to get food as a gift (no restrictions there!). The one rebel gift-giving friend she had was heavily into knicknacks and my friend, who is anti-cleaning (hasn't cleaned her condo in 10 years!) does not want stuff cluttering up her house. It's funny, this is one area where she is a total control freak. Normally she's pretty easy going.

I can understand not wanting to receive dust collectors as gifts, but if a recipient can't graciously accept something that will be used up, that takes up relatively little space, and that he or she might even buy for her/himself sometime-like a can of hot cocoa mix-assuming that he/she drinks hot cocoa-I'm not sure there is way to not appear rude or controlling.

Saying "no gifts" is really hard on people, because giving someone something is so much fun. I just love giving people things, and maybe it's more about me than them, I admit it.

I get joy out of giving gift certificates too, though, so that's cool. My mother is getting money this year. She wants a new vacuum but I'm sure she'd rather pick it out.

My mom is from a very large family, and every year, I'd end up with tons of gifts that were usually re-giftable as hostess gifts, because they were things like candles. However, this was stupid, because it was obvious that they were purchased b/c my aunts felt like they had to. One year, my cousin and I sent out a letter to everyone explaining that the cousins did not need or want gifts and that instead, we should do something good and/or donate to charity. Both she and I did this, but the rest sort of fell flat. However, we got less gifts. The second year, another cousin of mine planned a yankee gift exchange--so each person brought one "good" gift of $25 or less and one "flea market" item (i.e. something you need to get rid of.). This is really fun and it still allowed them to indulge their gift purchasing needs.

One year, I kind of put my foot down with my friends, mainly from a budget standpoint and said we should give "meaningful" gifts. I handmade things.

That $50 office gift is crazy! I give homemade food each year...it seems to be well received and yet does not inflict guilt upon those who do not participate.

I hate getting bad gifts, as well. I read once in a Karen Kinston book that when you give someone a present you should give it to them with an open heart, so they should be free to get rid of it if it isn't really something that they love. I make a point to tell people that I have the same feelings about giving gifts. I also make a point to tell people how I enjoy clearing out things in my life to eliminate clutter. Then when I get unwanted gifts I thank them graciously, and then I donate them or throw them out. After a while, people start to understand. Every year now my mom sends money instead of gifts. Thanks Mom!

I *really* hate getting bad gifts--it makes me feel so guilty and sad. I'd much rather get nothing at all. However, I think this is the wrong attitude, and as I've gotten older and have learned that there is not an unending supply of people who will love or even like you in your life, I'm glad to have whatever demonstrations of affection roll my way. Incidentally, one of my big mistakes early in my marriage was inartfully expressing my feelings about bad gifts to my mother-in-law--not about a gift from her, just gifts in general, but I know that I sounded like a horrible ingrate and made a really rotten impression on her. I've always wanted to explain what I meant but I think that might make it worse. Now it's 17 years later and I'm still thinking about it!

Wow, I loved that buynothingchristmas.org! I had to print out a few of their flyers.

I have gotten a few gifts in the past year that I truly appreciated (subscribtion to National Geographic, lipstick that I had admired on a friend). These were things that I had specifically mentioned liking/wanting to the people that gave them, and I think that makes all the difference in how much the "giftee" will appreciate the gift.

As for giving to others, I only buy/make gifts for my immediate family members (Mom, Dad, little brother) and maybe 1 or 2 friends at Christmas. I don't spend more than 25$ on anyone.

Oh, and one more thing! Many people have suggested giving food. I hate to get on my soapbox, but as someone who works in a hospital I see first hand how many people have dietary restrictions. And even those of us who don't may not want food. I just read (in a National Geographic back issue, I believe) that the average modern American woman consumes 370 or so more calories daily than the average American woman did in 1970. Around the holidays my workplace is inundated with gift food. It's very hard to say no to the chocolate and snacks, and I personally would prefer that it not be around to tempt me.

Have to be quick...

A couple of years ago, I told all my friends and family, by way of a card, that instead of a gift, I had made a donation in their names to the food bank in their communities, which I had done. I included in the card, in a small note at the end, that I felt blessed to have everything I need, and that I would be bowing out of the holiday gift exchange in the future. I added that if they still felt the need to give something, they could give a donation to a women's organization, and that would make me happy. And I quietly bowed out.

It's been such a relief not to not be involved in the mass shopping frenzy these past couple of years. I have a couple of relatives who say it's their right to give me something anyway, and they do, which I wind up having to accept after a protest. But everyone else is great, and lots of people thought it was such a good idea, they wanted to do the same thing.

Just did an internet search for "no gifts" and this conversation came up.

Ever since the September 11th tragedy (which was the same year I got married and had all the "stuff" I needed), I've believed the giving at Christmas should be directed to those who really need it.

In 2003, an uncle of mine found that website mentioned above, and sent a "no gifts; please donate 1/2 the $ you'd spend to charity" note in his cards. I was SO jealous; but my mom called his idea "scrooge" and I chickened out from following along at that time, also not wanting to ruin the fun of my husband's family's gift exchange.

This past year, some things coincided to finally give me the courage to start speaking up:
a) An econimic situation that caused hubby's family to cancel their gift exchange,
b) Having found courage to go against the mainstream to become vegetarian
c) The numerous tragedies in the world since last Christmas, from the tsunami to hurricanes, to Pakistan Earthquake.

We're only buying for four children in the family; spent about $20 each. We spread the word pretty well and think others should already understand just knowing our econimic situation. But I know some of my older relatives will still be giving us monetary gifts. We've donated some to various charities already; but will have to have a discussion with my husband about what portion of any gifts to give to charities as well.

Forgot to add, the gifts we bought for the kids in the family were mostly books, including "The Story of Christmas."

We DID really enjoy shopping for those; but enjoyed not getting caught up with a long list of gifts to buy. Will also enjoy not coming home with piles of "stuff" to find a place for in our tiny home. But if a few people end up having insisted upon buying me something for THEIR own joy, I'll have to walk a fine line between my own beliefs and not taking their joy away.

First, I totally agree with the person who suggested the Hefer Project. Tell your relatives you want them to buy you a goat for a family in Africa... or at the very least, to donate a toy to a toy drive in your name.

My friends and I have a great holiday tradition. We have dinner after xmas and regift all the "bad" presents to each other. Believe it or not, one man's trash is really another's treasure. One friend hates bath stuff and candles and that kind of thing. I love that stuff. I, on the otherhand, have no need for kitchen stuff, and there's one among us who loves it. It's all in fun, and one year, we even gave the gifts that NO ONE wanted for our waitress. She loved it.

And finally, one last thing about telling people you don't want to exchange presents. Try to be kind in the way you express this wish. A friend told us this year that she didn't want to exchange presents and she did it in such a snotty fashion that I now question why I'm friends with her... after all, the holidays are about goodwill and expressing our care. Yes, it's a drag that most of us express our love with MATERIAL goods, but it really is from the heart so try not to be so grinchy about it all. And if worse comes to worse, so you have to dump all the bad presents off at Goodwill the next day, be glad you have such petty problems over the holidays.

I haven't given or recived gifts for several years, and I'm used to people's reaction. Sallyman, your friend probably feels guilty and having a hard time with her request, but I'm sure she didn't mean to be snotty - but it sucks having to justify the request all the time - what's the big deal? Retailers with full backing of the government, place a huge burden on citizens when they expect us to pad their pockets and ensure their stockholders keep bringing in the big bucks. Buying Christmas presents isn't for each other - it's for the economy - don't you remember Christmas 2002 when Bush encouraged us to go out and spend money (whether we had it or not) to keep the rich companies and stockholders rich? Christmas has become a mandatory part of retailers income - they depend on it. Opting out of something like that isn't easy, but it can be done. Also, it's a great device for people who don't do anything for anyone, but if they buy a (preferably expensive) gift, they feel they've done their part - it's actually the cheap and easy way out. I can't tell you how many divorced women get screwed by big spending spouses who lavish Christmas presents on the kids, but have little else to do with them throughout the year - the kids wind up spending Christmas where the money is, and leaving mom alone. And in this day and age of fractured families - putting the emphasis on these perfect family get togethers is so hypocritical - and unrealistic. I give to charities, toy drives, etc., but not to my over indulged, don't need anything family. And I'm a gift giver - if I see something perfect for someone I will buy it and give it to them regardless of the time of year.

Looks like there has been a silence since December. Remember gifts come to all of us all year long.