Hmmm -- well, not a bad idea, actually something I believe I do all the time. But connecting this concept to the holidays? I'm speechless.

Oh I don't know. I clear out all my relationships around the holidays. Then I renew and reaffirm them in the New Year. It saves me a lot of money on christmas presents.

;)

OK -- I lied -- I'm not speechless. How about de-cluttering the home of material things and giving them to people who need (eg - coats for the homeless, kitchenware you never use to Katrina victims, etc., etc.) Much better karma . . .

So, if one were to do this de-cluttering of relationships, how might that work? Are we merely deleting them from cellphone speed dials?

Or are we actually calling them up or e-mailing them that one last time and saying, "Please enjoy 2006 with all the new friends you'll make to take my place"?

I agree with Frank that we could de-clutter our physical environments and give to people who are in need, but I have for many years also de-cluttered the end of year circle of relationships I've accumulated throughout the year. I try not to accumulate, but we're all human.

I think there is a nice way to do this. No one needs to make a call and "disconnect" the relationship abruptly. We met these people for one reason or another and perhaps we are THEIR clutter so consider what its like to be on the receiving end of this. I just think that during this time of year one of the things we can all do to make it a better world is to be honest with ourselves about what our needs are and the needs of those around us. Take stock. You know, the whole pensive thing. Sometimes cutting someone loose is the best gift you might give them. It helps them and us move on. Its a matter of heart and style. You can give a tiny gift, a hug, a smile, whatever, and just begin gaining some distance, or you can sit down and have a heart-to-heart, just don't ruin someone else's holiday. Realisically, we can't be freinds with everyone forever, but you can be pleasant. Life is short. My opinion is that we should spend it being happy - them, and us. And yes, definitely coats, etc. to the homeless, but not just at this time of year.

I'm with Frank... This is very "Happy Holidays. Now get out."

Yeah. Like ... couldn't we just "drift apart"?

...or put them on "double secret probation." They'll never even notice ;)

Most relationships come with expiration dates. Weed out those who bring you nothing but negativity and feel much better! jmarieb mentioned ways to do it nicely, but just do it. You don't have to accept invitations, initiate contact, return phone calls, etc. The old "I have already made other plans" works well. If they persist, it is best to be honest and say something like "I"m sorry, but it really doesn't feel like we have much commonality any more," It rarely comes to that point, but if it does, be straightforward and save both of you a lot of grief.

G-d bless the person who invented caller ID.

You don't need to be so final. It has been my experience more than once that someone who no longer fit into my life, or was becoming a pain in the neck for whatever reason, became a good friend a few years later. Sometimes I can't even remember what the problem was.

Having said that, there are definitely one or two people who won't be getting Xmas cards from me this year. AS well as one or two I would love to hear from.

It looks like I'm decluttering family relationships. Willy Nilly. Or they're decluttering me. I'm not the sentimental type and I generally don't co. But I do keep the door open and these family members can walk through again if they choose.

Well, this comes at an opportune moment, as I just received the most obnoxious e-mail from a former classmate detailing the exorbitant cost of her new boots, her husband's dithering over which German-engineered automobile to buy, the fabulous pay of his new job, and so forth. It may be that this person was always crass and I just chose not to see it, but I think it is definitely time to declutter this relationship. Although, I agree with Margaret, no reason to bash someone over the head with it. Sometimes people are just going through a hard time and behaving badly. I can endure a fair amount of bad behavior in the name of friendship, but at a certain point the instinct for self-preservation kicks in and it's time to back away.

This all works much better in theory ("communism works in theory" - H. Simpson). I tried to do this with a ex coworker who was trying to be friends despite having nothing in common. I tried the "drifting apart" approach, then blatantly not returning calls, then honesty. She went BALLISTIC! Seriously. Like single white female. I never did understand why she cared so much.. one more thing we didn't have in common. Be careful.

Diane, was that an email to you personally or one of those holiday newsletters sent globally? I don't know why I find those newsletters obnoxious--it's nice to stay in touch but for some reason, these missives tend to focus on MONEY. How much money they have, spend, make, splurged on something, doled out to whatever.

Maybe I find them obnoxious because a guy I once fell in love with, who dumped me, sent me a holiday newsletter telling me how his girlfriend was the light of his life.

The holidays, like weddings, are a good time to try to avoid the tacky. I agree that taking out the negative elements in our lives can be done constructively and gently, and that we can also work on not being a negative element in anyone else's life.

I also find holiday newsletters obnoxious, though I never noticed a focus on money. What I have noticed is that the message tends to be: "Look what a great, successful family we are!" All about how husband just got promoted, and wife is expecting their third child, child #1 plays first clarinet in the marching band and is on honour roll every term and wants to be a doctor, child #2 is the star of his Little League team and his teacher thinks he's the cat's pyjamas. What about some HONESTY for a change? What about the BAD STUFF that happens in a year? What about how one child is suffering from an eating disorder and the other still wets his bed every night? What about how the husband doesn't get along with his boss and now has to take medication for anxiety? What about how the wife is going nuts staying at home and wishes she weren't pregnant?

I know some of you are joking but i am quite fascinated about this weeding out relationships for the year. I have a friend in the New York area. I moved here three years ago from Philly. She is a fun person, but she is annoying and draining. She is about 60 - but very cool and hip but nutty too and still blames her mother for all her problems. She is overbearing, and controlling. She pushes the movies she loves on you, and the books she's read on you. She sends email after email - atleast ten a day about dumb stuff. She needs to fill her calendar for the month to feel good so she is very manipulative in the way she lures you with great New York events to attend. A saturday lunch date ends up being an all day and evening thing. You are drained afterwards. She is also rigid with her thinking. I consider myself liberal but she is as far left as the far right people she so hates. I said something to her about being overbearing the other day and she did not like it. I tried to be nice, but i realize she just doesnt want to hear this. I have been thinking about this so much. Do i end the relationship? We are suppose to travel overseas together but i can't even stomach going to the theater with her next week. I feel so bad because she is fun at times, but she is so damn draining. Maybe getting rid of this friendship will be a xmas gift for myself.

I did this last year at this time (A friend I knew for about 10 years!) and after going through a phase of missing the person, I felt much, much better, mentally. She was very negative and threw plenty of veiled insults. I don't know why I held on so long!

April is a better month to break hearts. Suck it up till then.

funny, the concept assumes that you're perfect and it is OTHERS who are cluttering your life.

personally, sounds like a terrible idea to me. it would be much more charitable to help your friends out of their negativity than to dump them.

Don't you think that being "charitable to help your friends out of their negativity" is a stronger indictor that you think you're perfect? I'll just turn all my friends into ME! I didn't think my "friend" needed fixing, I just didn't like her. She was very welcome to be who she was, and she had lots of friends who were like minded, I just didn't happen to be one of them.

I am sick of trying help my friends out of their negativity. That is my resolution to stop that. who am I to do this and most of the time when you do this they will secretly be angry at you for acting all perfect. I agree with wendy that your friend probably has like-minded cohorts who will put up with her or his @!!@*$$%&. However, Wendy I must ask this: can the person really be your friend if you don't like them? hmmmmm.

That was my whole problem! She considered us friends while I never made the connection.. I have no idea how that can be one sided. There were many parallels drawn to dating and unrequited love at the time.

I think Kingston's remarks are kind of refreshing.

I don't know about you, but I have been asked numerous times to tiptoe around and accommodate the cranky, the crappy, and the rude, and frankly, I'm over it. A big holiday "bad friend-dump-a-thon" isn't ideal, but just in general, isn't it good to hear someone say, "you deserve better!!!"

Ooh, so happy I checked.

Dear Catty: Run, quickly, away.

I'm going to make an assumption that you are a single female and this is an overbearing friend, only.

"We are suppose to travel overseas together but i can't even stomach going to the theater with her next week. I feel so bad because she is fun at times, but she is so damn draining. Maybe getting rid of this friendship will be a xmas gift for myself."

If you don't say no now, and travel with her, you will kill yourself or her. I would think cutting to cord would be a gift for both of you. She sound obnoxious. And intimidating. It's like dating. If it was a guy annoying you, wouldn't you do something about it?

Who am I to give advice? But seriously, good luck and..........don't answer the phone.

Dear jmarieb, I will definitely consider that advice. Believe it or not, I am married and my husband thinks like you - I need to dump her. He doesnt understand the grief i am giving myself. My friend is fun and good hearted but she is also crazy and i think an emotional user. In truth, we have been talking through email. I just can't take her phone calls anymore. She doesnt get off. She is a tiny thing with a huge overwhelming personality. I am definitely going to think about what you said.

I just read Wende's last post. Oh yeah, do I ever agree. Sometimes people think they are your friends and you really didn't agree to that.

It's one thing to be kind and compassionate and help people, its something else to be walked on. I say drop her. It sounds to me as though she already has been dropped before and isn't going to listen so just do it. She didn't just get this way overnight. Someone else has been her victim....don't be the next one.

Catty: Change your email address.

No kidding. Look, I just went through a nasty time of it. I lost my husband not too long ago and it seemed as though every emotional vampire came out of the woodwork (including a male I know who thought it might be a good time to ask me for a date - hello, duh!). I've learned that my time is exactly that - My Time. No one gets into my life unless they're decent and somewhat resembling normal. I don't need them to be like me. I don't need them to even like most of what is suppose to be me. But I do need them to respect me and if they don't, then they're not a friend. My good friends all have quirks, but that's partly why they're so adorable. I have tons of quirks, but that's not what you're describing. Your husband's right. And not every human on the planet needs to be your friend. It's time to move on and trust me on this one, if at 60 she doesn't know she's obnoxious, she's either lying or she needs meds. Really, change your email or put her on your spam list and don't answer your phone if you have caller ID. If you don't have it, get it. Give me her #, I'll tell her..

gee, some of the people complaining about their negative friends sound very negative.

AGHHHHH!! Why are people posting that everyone who doesn't want to hang out with an annoying "friend" thinks that they themselves are perfect, not annoying, uber-humans? I'm sure I'm annoying and negative a lot of the time, but I've found some friends who can either tolerate or find the charm in my flaws (better put by jmarieb). If they didn't find me likable I would love for them to just feel comfortable to move on. I happened to not find my co-worked likeable, and I WISHED that she didn't like me, I even tried to get her not to.

I hear you girlie.

Well I sure didn't intend to be negative. I thought I was positive. Maybe it was a false positive. Happens. But that might be negative...I'll stick to furniture, actually I'm interested in looking at the furniture porn that was mentioned on AT....think that's positive?

I don't think I can afford to weed out any friends, even if I don't actually like the person. (And that's not a contradiction, "friend" has become interchangeable with "acquaintance".)

I think most of us have at least 2 types of friends: the people we truly have affection for, and everyone else in our sphere of interaction. If I were rich, or just maybe filled with less want/need, maybe I could surround myself with only those I truly love - and save myself countless headaches. But I want to work in Rob's firm, so despite the fact that his jokes are extremely mean-spirited, I'm keeping that friendship. And I need to continue selling to Janet's company, so despite her arrogance, I'll keep that friendship. And Judy's a stellar accountant, and Mike sits opposite me, and who knows when I'll need the skills of a cosmetic surgeon, and so on and so forth.

Friendships based on usefulness? I'll admit to them.

That would be.. ummm.. all of them!

Anon makes an interesting point. I've never been dumped as a friend (well, not since jr. high, when it was all a vicious cycle) but how would you want this handled if you were on the receiving end? I would probably want someone to discuss the issues with me in an attempt to remedy the relationship.

I'm struggling with this a bit right now. I have had a friend for years who has handled a longterm romantic relationship (with someone I also liked)in a way that kind of shocked me. (Let's just say there were layers upon layers of deceit.) It made me feel like she wasn't the person I thought I had been friends with all this time, but it also made me feel that, while what she did made me feel queasy, she needs help and support. I have been somewhat avoiding her (although she also is very into going to all the hottest spots and I'm just not in that same place now) and I know it hurts her.

I'm assuming this piece is about superficial friends. I've had some friends who are huge energy-drainers, but it's been because they are having a tough time psychologically. (For example, another friend got dumped, and was a MESS for about a year.) I just can't in good conscience abandon someone because they are having a tough time. Isn't that why you have friends?

RMB, there seems to be sharp nails under your bed of roses of a note But I will get back to that in a minute. Jmarieb, dont back down. You gave your opinion and it was a good one. The discussion is about weeding out friends and that is what you were talking about. Anonymous, maybe you are right but i spent my whole life not dumping friends because they were a little nutty. I do like quirks and i have a lot of them. But that's not what i am talking about. So I agree with you and I dont believe in dumping someone who is struggling or having a hard time. I've never done that. But it's the ones who are just down right draining and controlling. After a nice dinner or lunch and movie and whatever else - i feel just pooped. I realize later that I am spending too much time frustrated about some crazy, rigid, prejudice thing she said or how i allowed myself to get lured into going to all these things I didnt want to go to or how i feel she will ask me inappropriate favors; to use my position as an editor to help her in her job as publicist. RMB, your note sounds on the surface but I do not think the friends you are talking about are really friends to you or so it seems because I do not know you or them. Those people sound like associates. I'd hate if someone like you pretended or stayed my friend because of what I could do for them professonally. You do that enough and you will find yourself - dumped.

Jmarieb, Patrick can't possibly be serious. The best trick for keeping someone as your cozy and familiar doormat is to convince them that if they say 'that's mean!' they are being just as mean, if not MOREso. And if they walk away they are heartless, judgemental and cruel.

Don't fall for it.

This piece resonates with me - because I do a virtual cleanup of my list of friends once or twice a year two. The point is to actively weed out some people so you spend MORE time/energy/effort on the ones who do matter. I've had some friends in my life for 30+ years, and I want to stay involved with them, sharing their lives. Its hard to do that when one is distracted by getting drinks with a casual acquaintance.

The point is not to be calculating, cruel, or capricious in purging these relationships -- it is to focus on who is really important.

fascinating thread. I don't think you necessarily need to dump friends, but when it gets to be that you don't know how you ever became friends, allowing the friendship to die its natural death is freeing. I think there are seasons of friendship and different kinds of friends--some are lifelong friendships, some are the kind where you see the person once a year and it's like you've seen each other consistently, some are acquaintances, and some are convenience--good while they last during a certain period, but not necessarily applicable to you your entire life. I had a friend from college who hung it over my head that we didn't see each other often. Meanwhile, I'd been the only one to make trips to see her...she'd never once visited me. The last straw was when I came to visit, and she and her mother persisted in making me feel like I was a bad person for not constantly being around. I also realized that we were WAY different people. I just never contacted her since that time...and because she hadn't put any effort in, she hasn't contacted me.

As far as the negativity goes, if you really value someone's friendship, then talk to them about it...if they're peripheral to your life, by all means cut them off. I addressed the negativity with one friend, and our relationship has changed, but it was so good to get it out in the open. Otherwise, it's like the elephant in the room that no one talks about.

As far as this being applicable to the holidays...I'm not so sure about that!!!!

I agree, Christine, it's not so good for the holidays. Wait until Valentines Day--when people expect disappointment.

I think that you just cannot throw out the baby with the bathwater. No one is perfect.

However, I do think that there are people who are just big babies who are made up ALMOST entirely of frozen bathwater and tar. And then there's a little bit of baby powder sprinkled on their cold souls that makes them smell kind of like a baby, so they might seem kind of adorable for while.

Sometimes, when people want to be our friend, it's because they're desperate to start with. Sometimes that's because they have driven so many people off to start with that they don't know any way to make friends but to bully themselves into your life and declare this state of being.

I have to say that traveling with someone who is difficult does NOT make them easier to deal with. And travel is FAR too expensive and you run the risk of having them entangle you in breaking international laws if you let them suck you into it. Do what you have to and get out of it.

Christine, i've had the exact and I mean the exact situation with a high school friend who never came to see me but complainrf that we havent seen each other much. Though i visited her several times through the year. This went on for 20 years. She never visited but did all the complaining. My mouth dropped when I read your note. Curtis, i agree totally. nicely said.

Look, we're not talking about cutting off your friend or relative who's having a hard time and needs your support, but cutting off the people who take too much from your life without giving anything back. It's not a question of you being "better" or "more perfect" than this other person. If your personalities just don't mesh and this other person makes you upset, why are you there? I know it's a tough thing, 'cause I've been there too and also felt really petty and mean about it, but I just don't want to spend a lot of time with my friend who follows me to the grocery store, spends hours whining about his potential girlfriend's family's problems or calls me up at 2am on a Monday night to go out for coffee. If you've never been in that situation, congratulations!

While you're at it, now's also a good time to reach out to the people in your life that you've been ignoring before the friendship withers away. Email someone you haven't heard from in a while, or get coffee with someone you miss... Filling up your dance card is an easier way to brush someone off, and I'm sure there's someone out there that you would rather be around.

Catty -- I wouldn't go on vacation with her. Find a nice way to back out if you can, but have that conversation now, because otherwise you'll be having it on your vacation, and you won't enjoy yourself. I went on a two-week vacation with a close friend of mine, and even though we were really even-tempered people, it was tough to be around the same person all the time and have to make food/activity/decisions with her. The nicest people in the world want to strangle each other after spending a vacation together. If you think she's smothering now, just wait!

SO WHAT if a friend or relative uses a Christmas/New Years letter to brag about outrageous success or brilliant kids or rich husbands? If you are a true friend, you'll forego the envy anor ill-will at least at THIS time of year and be glad that good fortune smiles on your friends.

If you can't, maybe THEY are the people in need of a little "friend decluttering."

I'm with Mary... focus on the positive. Email has made reconnecting so easy and non-threatening (if you are intimidated about opening a closed door).

And remember, make sure you are BEING the kind of friend you want.. positive, actively doing nice things, noticing change (in a positive way) etc. It's easier to expect this behavior than it is to do it, but you get what you give.

(Personally, I think y'all are LUCKY to have SO many friends that you need to actively pick, choose, and cast some off like last year's loafers.)

and Librarian--

I sooooooooo don't want to be on your annual Christmas letter list.

I've always found exessive bragging in Christmas letters to be obnoxious. If it's a personal letter (or email) to friends then I'm happy be a part of the cheering section, but the mass mailing of such such a nature is sorely lacking in the class department. And I don't necessarily think being annoyed by it means a person is envious or wishing ill-will on anyone. Bad manners just are what they are.

I met a girl thru Craigslist a few years ago. She emailed me about a post of mine and then we started emailing back and forth. Then we talked on the phone and had such a good time that we decided to meet for lunch one afternoon. The day was great and I was having such a good time. Then about a week later I got an email from her saying she didn't want to continue toward a friendship because she had a terrible time with me and thought I was nothing but negative. I was stunned. I thought we were on the same page with every topic and then that email!

So I've been on the "dumping and decluttering" end and it's not fun. It made me think about what she said but it still hurt. I certainly didn't want to burden her or any friend with a bad attitude but it's nice sometimes to point out the negative in a caring manner and "help" that person to become aware of it so they can see it for themselves and make positive changes. I'm not saying it should be a long, dragged out situation but helping a friend see the flaw so they can become a better friend is nice.

WOW. After reading this thread, I'm afraid to pick up the phone or send an email. Maybe all the people I thought were my friends really view me as someone to be decluttered.

Diane here, and it wasn't a holiday letter that I got from my friend, but rather a personal e-mail, which I actually found more offensive. I think that a good friend is someone who makes you like yourself more, and who helps you to feel that you are not alone in having problems. One of the nicest things you can do for a friend is let them see that, along with the good things in your life, there are bad things too--and when people write these obnoxious, bragging holiday letters they are doing the opposite. I felt that doing it in a personal e-mail was even worse, because it's normally a more intimate communication. Her tone was not one of wanting to share her good fortune with me--it was cold, small-hearted boastfulness.

Perplexed, I think it was cruel of the Craigslist girl to do it that way. No need to bash people over the head with the fact that you don't like them as well as they like you--life is hard enough already. Although, the "gently backing away" approach doesn't always work as efficiently as one might hope--I had a friend once who chronically and severely abused our friendship, and it took over two years of my declining all her invitations, etc., before she got the hint. But I still think it's better than having any kind of a breakup scene, particularly in this case since she now lives on my block!

SK, I don't think questioning whether or not you are a friend worthy of keeping is such a bad thing. If people did that more often we might not need lengthy threads discussing how to escape the ones who leave us feeling down.

I have to say that if I don't hear back from someone after 3-4 attempts I give up. It may be they're just super busy but I take it as being "decluttered" and leave it at that. And if I'm wrong and I eventually hear from them, all the better. But I back off almost immediately.

Oh, gees, and I promised I'd leave this alone finally.

Catty: Thanks, Christine and Karin: well said.

Ok, I wasn't backing down. I was be sarcastic. It's all just opinion and experience. Obviously, we all have good friends. But let's face it, there are people who are not healthy to be around. I know I've gone through crap and haven't been pleasant to be with and my close friends stuck by me and the ones on the fringe let me go. That's fine. But being a good friend means honesty with diplomacy and understanding that you just can't have a zillion people in your life who are your real friends. Do the math. So to have the time to attend to family, career, whatever one pursues, and find the space to give proper attention to the friends you adore, you need to drop those who drain you because they are unhealthy. If they're just having a bad time of it, that's different. Being a doormat doesn't make you a good person or a good friend. It just makes you a doormat. And yeah, keeping acquaintances because of business is sometimes necessary but they're not my friends. My friends are people who I dine with, who come to my house, who share their lives, who I laugh with, who make fun of my art know how to do it without insulting me, they are people who care about me enough to know who I am. I do the same for them. For vampire, or users, I say goodbye. And, they would do the same. It's all in the doing. My opinion only.

And maybe it shouldn't be connected to the holidays. Maybe we should just be more selective about who we give ourselves and our time to.

Catty:

I was just trying to say that not everyone has the luxury of only considering likability when it comes to determining whether or not to stay in a friendship or any kind of relationship.

Personal story:
I live in what's called a developing country. The average wage of a waitress is 80-100 USD a month depending on the city you're in (6 days a week, sometimes 10 hrs a day). The gap between rich/middle class and poor here isn't along the lines of (this is generalized) I drive a BMW/Accord while you drive an old beater. The gap is vast, like two different species - you live in the trees, I live on the ground.

I'm friends with one of these waitresses. She caught the eye of an older Western gentleman. He flirted with her, she flirted back. An affectionless friendship turned into a loveless marriage. Why did she become friends with someone she didn't like? Why did she marry someone she doesn't love? Because he had the power to take her from a Third World standard of living to G8, something she would most likely never be able to do with her educational background and beginning station in life. From ratty sheets and creaking bunkbeds to 22nd floor highrise with puffy comforters in a little over a year. To her it's been worth it.

That's a pretty extreme example of some of the kinds of things that people sometimes don't even sometimes realize that they factor into their friendships; in that case, they both probably were very aware of that, though. Doesn't sound like they'll be weeding each other anytime soon.

Patrick -- If they were a true friend, I would already KNOW what is going on their life: the good AND the bad. If they were a true friend, they would be a part of my life other than sticking a printed newsletter into an envelope with my name on it once a year. I don't want to be on anyone's "mailing list". If it's someone living far away that I rarely get to see in person, hey write me a letter sometime. Tell me your joys and your heartaches. Be authentic. Tell me those little details that you know I'll be interested in because I'm ME. I love getting real letters written with me in mind in the person's own handwriting.

Oh and of course I don't *have* a Christmas letter list to leave you off, Patrick. I do write letters and send cards though. I just don't send mass mailings (snail mail or email).

2 years ago I made a new year's resolution to not put any more effort into a friendship than the other person.

I have fewer friends, but the ones I have are great and it has given me time to meet new people.

Sometimes it just needs to be done.

Well, there are people who I care about -- some of which I went to college with, but whose lives don't intersect with mine very often, but I do care that those lives are going well, so I am happy to hear from them once a year.

Because it's better than never, ever hearing from them at all. And if they have successful husbands and happy kids, I'm thrilled for them. It's not a world that I need to inhabit with them, but a quick peek into that world does not offend me.

While I absolutely agree, did you ever stop to think what it was about YOURSELF that attracted such people in the first place?

I've seen one interesting/cruel way to do this about a year ago. We got an E-vite for a party hosted by a friend and co-hosted by someone we didn't know well. We looked at who was coming and their responses (my wife has a fetish for checking the lists). One "no" gave a little more detail. It started with "You have not been a good friend to me in 2004..." and went on to detail the reasons the co-host had let her down and why she wouldn't be coming to the party. After that we HAD to go to the party just to see if their were any fireworks and just what the co-host was all about.

Most relationships end. That's the harsh truth. Maybe not so harsh.I consider everyone who comes in and out of my life to be my teacher. Especially the users, vampires and emotional leeches. They even out my karma and have helped create the person I am becoming. Am I sorry they are gone? Hell no. But I gave them access in the first place and must accept that I am not a victim. I take my lessons where I can get them, however,once learned I don't have to repeat the course. Once the exhausting so called friends have taught you all they can about your own flaws feel free to scrape them off . They will probably not give a damn anyway.

You say "once learned" and "Once taught." How often do you learn something this close to what you think is your core self and simply acknowledge it and then move on? Could it be that the "friend" has blended with you to the point where you'd rather have her find you are blind and dying than to let her continue to hurt herself with her same old mistakes. Let time and distance be your ally, but if they are on the Border of needing meds., you'd best hope and pray they heard the spirit of what you intended. Words fail. This time of year give until you can give no more and then go one giant step farther.

I'm having this issue with a best friend. I can point out all of her short comings and all of the issues we've had the past few months and her lack of good sense in dealing with our friendship and herself but what I realized the other day is this... I'm deeply hurt by her insensitivities and respect for our relationship and our friendship isn't serving anyone anymore. This is what I feel is important to share with her. It took me a while to get thru all of the angry bits from the stupid things she has done or contines to do (i'm always amazed at how dumb smart people can be).

Another issue I am having is she is now asking me to talk to her --- by asking me if 'there is something i need to say to her', accusing me of being passive aggressive, cold and distant. But the truth of the situation is I really have nothing to say. Talking to her would be merely for her benefit and to give her reflection and I'm tired of being maniupulated into taking care of her.

It's not that I never get anything in return but our friendship has become challenging and her disregard painful. I've questioned our friendship for a while now. Feeling that if I let go of this friendship some other dingbat will just take her place.

I've learned a lot about myself too.

I meant lack of respect for our relationship

well...i have a best friend (a guy) and we have sort of crossed the line several times over the last year & a half (i say sort of because he has issues including a self-inposed religious mandate not to sleep w/ anyone til married, despite being an ex-stripper& in Playgirl, and his 2 kids with his ex-wife being out of wedlock!!!??? ...But it is very complicated because i am the other "half" of his start up company. Sooo...our lives have been quite entangled (we also live in the same apt complex) mutually beneficial in a friendship way as in he helps me move, is very good with my daughter, etc. The company is not doing very well and I am now too reliant upon it for income...which is scant. His past money problems have resulted in him sharing my car for almost an entire year which got to be abusive & take-advantage of my generosity...because we were in his words "not a couple." The whole comunity thought we were a couple and shocked re: the car & my time involvement w/ the business and everything else. i almost had to make an appointment to use my own car. Only the last few months did he offer to make the car payments through the business as an expense...but that was basically in place of getting paid commmission since we were not bringing in much $. I struggle with the friendship & whether it is really equal, and think in 2006 i need to create quite a wide distance even though it is painful to do. I see his kind & generous sides, too-although he is perceived by most (and at times by me, too) as manipulative and as not treating people well..and very survival mentality user. Thoughts?

well...i have a best friend (a guy) and we have sort of crossed the line several times over the last year & a half (i say sort of because he has issues including a self-inposed religious mandate not to sleep w/ anyone til married, despite being an ex-stripper& in Playgirl, and his 2 kids with his ex-wife being out of wedlock!!!??? ...But it is very complicated because i am the other "half" of his start up company. Sooo...our lives have been quite entangled (we also live in the same apt complex) mutually beneficial in a friendship way as in he helps me move, is very good with my daughter, etc. The company is not doing very well and I am now too reliant upon it for income...which is scant. His past money problems have resulted in him sharing my car for almost an entire year which got to be abusive & take-advantage of my generosity...because we were in his words "not a couple." The whole comunity thought we were a couple and shocked re: the car & my time involvement w/ the business and everything else. i almost had to make an appointment to use my own car. Only the last few months did he offer to make the car payments through the business as an expense...but that was basically in place of getting paid commmission since we were not bringing in much $. I struggle with the friendship & whether it is really equal, and think in 2006 i need to create quite a wide distance even though it is painful to do. I see his kind & generous sides, too-although he is perceived by most (and at times by me, too) as manipulative and as not treating people well..and as a very survival-mentality user. Thoughts?