It does kind of sound like you channelled your frustration over your guest into composing this post, rather than confronting the sponger and tossing him out. How did you get rid of him eventually? (TBH I think the answer to that would make a more interesting post)

Ugh inconsiderate houseguests are the worst! A friend of a friend who was visiting Hong Kong from Singapore once invited herself to stay in our spare room "for the night" because she had an interview the next day (and our place was more convenient than the relatives' pad out in the New Territories that she was crashing at).

She turned up with her entire gigantic suitcase, didn't leave for an entire week, hogged our computers and smartphones "to check work emails" - which quickly segued into facebooking, conveniently turned up right at mealtimes when I was cooking or crashed our meals when we were eating out, AND... to put the cherry on the top of it all... flooded the guest bathroom (I don't know how since male houseguests three times her size have used that bathtub and shower curtain quite successfully), then stood by watching me mop it up and bitched about the bathroom without offering to help.

She also tried to get me to drive her to the airport, even though it's a very comfortable and convenient 20 minute train ride. Which, to be honest, I almost did, just to make sure she LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK.

Conversely, the best houseguest we had was so sweet - after cooking a dinner for him and some other friends, I was too tired (read: lazy) to finish washing the dishes before I headed to bed, intending to get to them in the morning. The sweetheart sneakily set his alarm for 6am and by the time I woke up the kitchen was squeaky clean, and he even had a pot of coffee ready and waiting for me! <3

Whenever I've stayed with friends overseas, the general rule of thumb I try to live by is to leave as little evidence as possible of my having been there. i.e. clean up after yourself, be quiet/neat/tidy etc. It's always nice to either leave a small gift (or even a thank you card) after your stay, though as far as possible I try to turn up with a thank-you-in-advance type present. :)

We recently had a houseguest who uninvited himself from future occasions because of the way he acted.

To begin with, we offered to host him for 3 days, and even gave him the dates we were available. A couple of nights before he was due to arrive, he surprised us by saying he was coming in a day earlier than planned, necessitating us taking a day off work to drive 1.5 hours to pick him up. He also neglected to call us when his bus was running 2 hours late, so we ended up having to stand around in a parking lot waiting for him for 2 hours, with no word (because he didn't pick up his phone) about what was going on.

This guest then proceeded to announce he was going to stay for 5 days instead of the agreed-upon 3. Since we didn't have enough food in the house to feed him for 5 days (he's a bodybuilder -- that's a lot of food!) it required us to go out to dinner a lot.

By the time we dropped him off on Monday, even my nice, patient, saint-like husband was ready for our guest to GTFO already. (By the way, we did mention our annoyance to our guest. We got a blank stare and a half-hearted apology.)

My advice to potential houseguests is: don't be "that guy." It's better to leave your friends wanting you to stay longer than it is to make them wish you'd just go already. Three days is the outer limit. Outer. Limit.

An old friend once told me - anything more than two days STINKS. That includes over staying at someone else's place.

If a guest/s has children: CONTROL your child. This always happens at my place when guests with children arrive. They seem to just let their children do whatever they want. Pick, touch, throw and even break certain things in our home.

Now how can this apply to extended family (parents in law, a whole family in law) ? These are my frequent guests and they like to come often and stay 3 days in a row and sometimes a month or more. It's so frequent that I don't even miss them. Think every two weeks.

I think it is customary to take your hosts out to dinner. And unless we're talking immediate family - three days max. One of my pet peeves is when a "friend" from out of town is actually coming in to town for a completely different reason but asks to stay at your place. I have a hard time saying no but it definitely makes me feel like a free hotel. If you're coming to see ME - it would have been prearranged with me - instead of you just giving me dates when you're in town and expecting a place to crash. I never do that to people. I just rent a hotel.

I don't feel is necessary to purchase a gift but if you are staying at someones home regardless of how many nights or days, it is an inconvenience to the host.
Buy dinner, make dinner, help clean..keep out of the way and stay true to your time line. If something comes up at your end, that doesn't mean your host needs to re-arrange their entire day or week. Stay in a hotel for those unexpected nights and keep your host informed.
I stayed a week with a friend who had relocated to Honolulu due to her husbands job in the Coast Guard. The entire week she complained about her husband and how awful it was that she had to up-root her life in SF to move to Hawaii. Understood but I heard the same story the ENTIRE WEEK. I felt like my skin was going to come off. Why didn't I move into a hotel..because she is on medication for her depression and I thought that if I would move out, it would make her depression worst so I just bared it.
I told them that I would like to take them to dinner; anywhere for allowing me to stay the week wit them. "HE" picked the most expensive restaurant in Honolulu which was something I expected from him. No worries because it was still less than the cost of a hotel for a week in Honolulu.
I offered many times to help clean the ENTIRE HOUSE including the frig which smelt like there was a toxic experiment going on but she always said no. You can only do so much. If I had taken it upon myself to clean, I think I would have insulted her.

To houseguests: arrive with a thank-you gift, three days is the max, if your hosts cook, you clean up. You also treat everyone to one dinner out OR you shop, cook, and clean up for your hosts one night. Don't expect elaborate pickups, and if you get one, thank your hosts profusely.

To hosts: don't let yourself get walked on! I've learned it's totally fine (and easy) to say "No!" Just don't leave any latitude for negotiation or uncertainly. As in, "We live at 123 Main Street, We won't be able to pick you up, but you can easily make your own way from the airport."

Last year I had a friend ask if she could come stay for one night. That was fine. But then, as the date grew closer, one night became two, and then it was two nights, a break, and then another night. I had the sense that she was trying to use my apartment as a hotel. I simply told her that we had originally agreed on one night, and that I can't accommodate the revised plans. I hoped she had another place to stay for those other nights. I never heard from her again! Good riddance.

I do not stay over with friends. I rent a hotel room, and everyone is happy.

Reminds me of something Lady Violet said in Downton Abbey: “No guest should be admitted without the day of their departure settled.”

The worst one I have had over is 'a relative in foriegn land'. Turns up with overnight bags when invited for dinner.. Offers suggestion on what to make for dinner. Opens refrigerator to 'check whats there for snacking'. Doesnt even offer to clean up or cook or chop.. I understand she is a student, with no idea about cooking.. And to top it all doesnt let us know her plans for the the next day/leaving
.. I need a vacation after that visit.. She finally left after 2 days!! Felt like eternity

AT ran a version of this very recently, but I'll bite. Don't treat your host's home as a free hotel! Just this summer I had a family member ask to stay at my home a couple days before her long-planned trip to my area because, she said, the place she'd planned to book was "too expensive". I was annoyed not only by the lack of notice and the manipulation (in fact no attempt had ever been made to arrange other lodging, even though the trip had been planned for about half a year), but the knowledge that she wasn't coming to visit me but to spend time with a friend who was staying elsewhere (paying to stay elsewhere). I am still smarting from that one. Honestly...don't do that to anyone, especially your own family.

To be a good guest:

Give your host plenty of notice when you ask to stay. Never put them on the spot, where it makes them look like jerks if they turn you down.

Never add another guest at the last minute.

Show up when you say you will, and leave when you planned to. If you are going to show up at mealtime, tell your host whether you plan to eat on the way.

Bring a gift. Do it.

Make your bed, tidy the bathroom after using it, offer to help with little things (dishes, walking the dog, picking up groceries as long as you're going out, etc.). Offer to babysit their kids for an evening so they can get out on a date.

Take your host(s) out for a meal or a movie.

Make an effort to be interesting, but don't talk constantly. Please.

If you have kids with you, keep them under control. Don't depend on your hosts to be babysitters and disciplinarians. Host's house, host's rules: hold your kids to them, or get a hotel room.

Treat your host(s) as you would have them treat you if the situation were reversed. Then invite the to stay with you!

Bring a gift, keep everything in your suitcase and not scattered about and make sure you are considerate of the hosts needs and schedules. I regularly stay with a good friend (so regularly that I have a key to her house) and while she's happy to have me and wouldn't hear of my staying in a hotel I always bring a gift, buy groceries while I'm there, treat her to a meal out, assume that since she isn't a morning person I'm on my own from when I get up at 6 until she does at 10 and I wash my bed linens before I leave (or at least strip the bed and start the washer).

On the other hand, I have a relative who we call the "worst hostess ever". While she insists on having relatives stay with her despite two other relatives in town that have a spare bedrooms (she does not, so guests either sleep on the couch or share a room with her son). She never has food in the house , ignores guests to play on the computer, uses guests as a free babysitting service and more than once myself or another relative has cleaned her house without so much as a thank you or acknowledgment. One of my relatives even mopped her kitchen floor and she didn't notice! Bad manners go both ways.

I had a friend stay with me for a weekend and I knew in advance that she had a few commitments that didn't include me (which, honestly, was ok with me because I didn't have to entertain her the entire weekend). I was unable to give her a spare key and throughout the entire weekend she would tell me her "schedule" and would end up running late or change her plans and would send me a text at the last minute letting me know. I basically spent the entire weekend at my place waiting for her to get back and to let her in. (Including one night where she stayed out until 2 in the morning). It was so frustrating.

yelloweed makes and excellent point: CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN! Please!

We had dear friends (my husband's best friend and his partner) and their 18-month-old stay with us in our tiny 1-bedroom+den apartment. We don't have kids, and we definitely don't have a kid-proof apartment.

They camped out in the den, which has a pullout sofa bed, and once the bed is open there is not much room. We managed to arrange the space so they had room for the bed open, plus the playpen for their baby to sleep in. This entailed removing the computer desk from the den and wedging it into our bedroom.

For the most part, they were quite attentive to their kid. Except at mealtimes. This kid was a disgusting eater, and every meal meant food was everywhere, and they would just do a cursory clean up, leaving sticky floors, and leaving the kid with sticky hands and face to transport peanut butter or pudding everywhere. It still gives me the heebie jeebies -- we basically scrubbed every surface in our house after they left.

The final straw came on the day they were scheduled to leave, but later in the day. My hubby and his best were up eating breakfast and feeding the baby his breakfast. Baby was in his highchair, no diaper. My hubby is getting more and more anxious about the baby not wearing his diaper, but his friend kept reassuring that it's ok, they do this all the time. Breakfast ends, and baby starts to run around the house, still bare-bummed, and no idea when the last time was that he peed. Sure enough, he squats and pees all over the floor. Husband freaks out, everyone jumps to clean up, and they end up leaving rather quickly and with tempers high. It was NOT GOOD.

These friends now have a second kid, way too much to fit into our apartment, so they stay at a hotel when they visit now.

Bring your own bathrobe or wear clothing that isn't revealing, when headed to or from the shower.

When in "public" areas of the home, cover up--nobody wants to see your hairy chest and back, or other parts.

Don't drink the entire 12 pack of your host's beer. Or even a 6 pack. They would like to have some of it, too.

Is it an American thing, not knowing how to behave as a guest? I've noticed AT has regular posts on this subject. Funnily enough, the only guest I ever had 'issues' with was American (and I have house guests regularly).

I love to be the hostess, but there are some folks never allowed back into my apartment. I won't go into the list, it's too depressing. But I don't feel that every guest must bring me something when they do come. Yes, I bring gifts whenever I stay with someone (I also have small gifts for guests when they stay here!) but that's largely because I really enjoy finding the right gift for a person! Some friends can't really afford to give a gift, and that's fine.

Most people in my age range have only 1 bathroom no matter how nice their place is. when I have people to stay or stay at someone's place I make sure to check with everyone before jumping in the shower to see if anyone needs to get in to pee or something first. I hate in when guests go in the bathroom for 45 minutes right when I need to head to work or quickly brush my teeth before heading out. If there are multiple people and 1 bathroom, whether at your place or staying with someone else, it goes a long way towards showing you are a good guest/host if you make sure not to monopolize the bathroom when others need it.

Pearmelon, rudeness is universal...as your question illustrates. Funnily enough, one of the most self-centered and thoughtless families I have hosted in my home came from Japan, the land of manners.

Lots of good suggestions here already. I'll add: try to give your host(s) a few breaks by reading, napping, going out for a walk/errand. We love having you, but still need a little personal time during your stay.

I disagree with the 3 day rule. it always depends on the people and circumstances.
I stayed at friends place for a week and was invited at a strangers (not anymore ;) )house for 1.5 weeks (I shared the room with her youngest son). Both were non-vacation work related and not that long by choice.
When I am a guest, I try to be like a good roommate. I clean up, help cook, do the dishes and ask if they need me to do anything. I buy wine. So far, I've always been invited back.

how can you spend 45 min in the bathroom? save water, shower for 2minutes max. do the make up thing in the hallway/bedroom

MulchMaid, I'll add to what you said: Plan to give yourself a break from being a tour guide/host by declining to participate in some of the activities. The guests will understand that you need some time to yourself, and you'll feel much better about the whole thing. Part of the trick to this is being alert to your own need for time off. It's easy to talk yourself into doing too much because you don't want to miss an opportunity to be with the friend or to do something you wouldn't otherwise.

i've had to put my foot down and say you need to figure out an alternative when a close friend expected me to let her borrow my car all day when I was at work. i was also tasked, not asked, with airport transportation & got a guilt trip when I wouldn't skip school to go get her. Boundries are important and clear communication on what you have going on, along with sticking to your own routine tends to keep some level of sanity.

Even though my husband and I live in a 5,000 sq. ft. home in the country we get a hotel room for anyone who asks to stay with us. Only our children are allowed to stay overnite as they were brought up to be neat, tidy people and my son in law is a fabulous cook. Even my teenage grandson knows the house rules and still comes to stay with us often, and is neat, tidy, and helpful. We learned long ago that having friends crash with us was a nightmare. We have found it easy to just say NO, but we know a lovely hotel not far from us.

I also want to add that being considerate doesn't just apply to over-night guest. A friend of mine moved from one city to another and -I- offered my services in helping to unpack and organize rooms. She's not the best organizer but a great cook..I'm the opposite so we fit well as friends. :o} Anyhoo...I also suggested that I'd spend the night since it would be tough to drive back home after being so tired from the days work and she agreed. She also stated it was her wedding anniversary but since they moved, they didnt' make plans. I offered to watch her son for her while they went out to celebrate. She was floored but jumped on my offer. They had a nice night out and I had a nice 'train playing night' with their son.

great fun reading the comment section on this topic :)

i haven't been asked by people to stay over in my one-bd apt.; the exception being my mom and bf. and if i could help it (ie, find a budget lodging), i prefer to stay in a hostel, not crashing at others' place. if it was a vacation, how can i relax if i had to watch my every move coming and going?

maybe i am lucky that i am fine sleeping in a dorm room with other people and using a shared bath. Most big cities have very budget friendly youth hostels. $20/$30 a night is not going to bankrupt anyone. If i travel with another person or two, i'd prefer cheap motel rooms. They are mostly outside of trendy area or in more depressed area. $50/$60 a night shared by 2 or 3 people is also not a deal breaker.

So my rule of thumb is: don't crash at other's place and unless I make the offer (because I know the person's habit), never agree to have someone to crash at my place.

Pearmelon may have hit the nail with the question asking whether or not this inability to behave as a guest is an American thing. Our sense, and we have experienced the full spectrum of guests' behavior, is that poor manners are, in a sense, taught by poor parents: children who have been waited on hand-and-foot tend to grow up expecting the same thing from their hosts. But the total self-absorption does seem to be overabundant in the US. When guests use our second home (we allow family to use it when we're absent) the rules are strict (sheets and towels cleaned and replaced, dishes done, vacuuming, etc, and everything returned to its place). When family and friends announce that they'll be in New York, our response is always, "Great! Call us when you get settled in your hotel. We'll make plans for dinner." Humanity is a glorious ideal, but the reality can be ghastly. Yes, we're misanthropic and curmudgeonly - but we've kept our sanity.

I get all sorts of overnight guests and have appreciated some actions on their part that I wouldn't even have thought of. My in laws would not get up until the kids were off to school leaving us to use bathrooms and rush around without having to work around them. (they are normally early risers) Super. Lots of guests help with the cooking and clean up, sometimes taking wash off the line or hanging it up - making my day so easy. A big wish I have for guests is to do some things on their own - take a walk into town, go for a bike ride, read in the garden. Not having down time or time for things like vaccuming is hard over a long stretch.
One thing that happened that I'm still not over is an overnight guest getting up and clearing the dinner party table and washing up effectively signallling to everyone that the party was over. Normally I let that stuff sit in the kitchen preferring to socialize and get to it after the people have left. I couldn't let her do it alone and couldn't stop her. So instead of being able to enjoy the company once the stress of meal making and serving was done I got a clean kitchen and went to bed relatively early. Won't combime that guest with other company again..
I guess the idea is to follow the host's lead and be sensitive to how what and how they are saying things. I love having company and am glad every time someone comes to stay. We are in not in a convienent location so it is a big deal for people to come and I really appreciate it.

People, people, people. Are you doormats? How can you let guets show up days early, depart late, drive them to the airport? Stand up for yourself. Make it clear what dates are available and other things that are important to you. No need to put up with unforgiveable behavior.

If you bring a host-gift, PLEASE make it food/wine or flowers. Unless you really know your host and know what exactly to bring. If your host's house design is minimalist, tatoo "edible host gift" on your forehead (in reverse).

That said... my guests don't need to bring anything. Almost all of my guests (some of the best staying weeks) have been considerate. The best guests take my dogs for walks. :-) Better than ANY host gift. Plus it leaves guests+me more time to go out after I get home from work.

I live in a city that's a tourist magnet, and I have a spare room, so this comes up a lot. Mostly I've been lucky - mostly.

Personally I don't mind if a friend is coming to do other things in town without me, as long as everything's clear and up front. In some ways I think it even makes things go easier, since you get a break from having to play host for a while. But it's a problem when people have two different sets of expectations.

However, next month, I have a friend coming in I'm already worried about. When we were discussing her trip, I invited her for four days. Well, a week later she emails and tells me it was so much cheaper to work with other dates, so she's coming for AN ENTIRE WEEK. The tickets are already bought, and she's on a tight budget, so I'm gritting my teeth and bearing it, but I thought that was off-the-charts rude; already this has dimmed my happiness at seeing her. She doesn't drive, either, so this is going to be one long week.

It sounds as if this is a real collection of horror stories about freeloaders and moochers, but I do wonder about that lovely human tradition of hospitality.

Maybe I'm unusually lucky in having an extended family and friends with wonderful manners and unusually well-developed social skills, but wow, some of these comments sound pretty mean-spirited.

In some cases, I agree with these comments. But am I the only one who doesn't mind friends coming over and not cooking or taking us out to dinner? Or driving them to the airport? We have friends near the beach who live two hours away from the airport; we're 20 minutes away. If they asked if they could come the night before a trip and stay with us, I would be happy to let them. If I could, I'd offer to take them to the airport -- they're my friends! I want them around!

I crash with friends to maximize hang out time during a weekend visit and I coordinate my arrival/departure around their schedule before booking. I almost always come bearing homemade baked goods (which would probably get me invited back even if they didn't already love me!) and pay for a meal or outing.

this makes me laugh! Don't you and your hosts work out the "how long" before you even arrive? I can't imagine inviting myself to stay with someone on a permanent part-time basis!

I'm tempted to try the next time I go to visit a REALLY GOOD friend. Just to see how he reacts. Get there having agreed it's a Friday thru Monday thing and about noon on Monday say, "I think I'll stay a couple more days. No biggie, just be sure you have plenty of milk and oatmeal for me and a key would be nice." Just to see how he reacts! Love it! Hilarious! Funniest thing I've read all day.

I am just amazed at some of these stories. Other than family, I don't have anyone in my life that would be this horrible of a house guest, but I would never let someone I haven't seen in years or a friend-of-a-friend stay with me. I just don't understand why people put themselves in this position. You have no one to be upset with except yourself. You made the decision to allow someone into your home. You made a bad decision, your fault. Say no.

I don't really get any of this. If someone is doing something you don't like in your house, can't you just ask them to stop?

Visits are one thing, but basically housing and feeding someone for months on end is NOT a visit. Not everyone can differentiate between the two. Several years back when I had only been out of college for a year or so, I had some college friends that asked if a friend of theirs could stay with me. She had just graduated from college and gotten a job in town. I told them that was wonderful, and that I would be glad to have her for a few days or even a week til she found her own place. They were like -- no, she needs to stay the entire summer. I said something about halving the rent and utilities. There was some consternation. Apparently, they thought I would house this girl all summer. (And, did I mention she didn't have a car and this was a car town.) They told me I was being super selfish to want her to pay her way. Their argument was that I was already renting the place, and it wouldn't cost me any extra for her to stay with me. I'm still amazed at their attitude. We've never discussed it since.

Wow, guess I've been lucky, all my guests have been nothing but polite and fun to have around. Even my relatives. I had a friend who was working on a small film in town for a week and his lodging arrangement fell through. The film was not the kind that had any sort of housing budget. Not only did I end up hosting him but one of his co-workers, too. We had a great time and I made a new friend. I am sorry for the people who've had horrible house guests, but being a good host is important too, which can mean being a bit flexible. The reality is anytime someone else come's into your home for more than a couple of hours your daily routine/schedule/lifestyle is going to change a bit. Nothing wrong with saying you don't want to deal with the change in routine, though, and saying "no" to people.

@Charlotte "Don't you and your hosts work out the "how long" before you even arrive?"

You would be surprised how little regard some people have for their host's schedule, even if dates are supposedly fixed in advance. It's happened to me. The same guest proceeded to invite a procession of their own friends, expecting me to change my own plans to accommodate. It took me by surprise because I genuinely didn't think a guest would behave like this. All my other guests have been wonderful, and I would have them over again any time.

I bought my first house recently (a cute but tiny place, with one bedroom and one bathroom) and my best friend announced that she was coming to stay for at least three months. With her dog. And that I shouldn't worry, she would install the doggie door.
Wow. I told her, ten days max, no dog, no door. Fortunately she never came. Pshew!

Why do people allow their "friends" to treat them this way? It's your house. You decide who is allowed in. They're your "friends". You decide how much your're willing to put up with before you no longer consider them friends.

The thought of bringing these feelings out in the people I'm close to makes my stomach turn. For this reason, I can;t agree with the first comment more. STAY IN A HOTEL.

My boyfriend and I recently had a friend stay with us. Friend of mine, very good friend of my boyfriend. We are all students, so consider that our budgets are small as well as our flat.
This friend did stay the two night he said he would, however, he made no effort to contribute to dinner or drinks. Bought beer ONLY for himself to drink. Complained when he was hungry but did not chip in when we went to buy dinner ingredients. Did not thank me for the dinner after I cooked it, did not wash his dishes or help out when my boyfriend and I were doing them. Hogged up all the internet by endlessly watching online tv shows whilst I needed internet for a research paper. Left the toilet disgusting & didn't spray air freshener afterwards, also leaving the door wide open for the whole apartment to stink up.

Although a friend, he was just a nuisance and I was very annoyed by the time it was time for him to leave. He showed no respect for us being his hosts & did not thank us a single time for anything. Furthermore, he helped himself to all the beer in our fridge after he drank what he bought for himself & without asking opened a very special bottle of whiskey that my boyfriend had been saving to age for 10 years.

My boyfriend and I were also driving off to visit my parents the day our guest was supposed to leave. Instead, he invited himself along for the ride, was offended when i asked for €5 as gas money (180km drive, train ticket would've cost him €7) and finally complained when my boyfriend dropped him off at the nearest (and most convenient) tram station for him to get home, rather than us driving into the busiest part of the capital, which is also 30km from my parents' house and almost an hour or more of driving...

It can't be just me who finds this type of behaviour entirely inappropriate! I did mention to him that he should wash his dishes and he just laughed and left them next to the sink...

Very wary of having student houseguests in the future, even if they are friends.

Last time I crashed on a friend's couch for one night I bought and cooked dinner and also did the washing up. He was more than happy & said it's the perfect form of gratitude from a guest, as he's had similar experiences as myself.

Unless they are dear friends and are visiting you, just say no! Houseguests are an inconvenience (unless you're retired and live in a mansion). If you can't afford accommodation, don't go away.

It's Ben Franklin, isn't it?

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

I try not to stay with people if I can avoid it because I snore. Loudly. I've been to sleep clinic etc and there's not much that can be done. If I do have to stay with people, I bring earplugs for them.

Once, after our guests departed, we realized that all of our spoons were gone. When we called them, they said, "Oh, yeah, I guess. We thought we might need them while we were driving around and then forgot to return them." It took them weeks to mail the spoons back to us.

I love having guests, but it can be taxing. I had a friend stay over recently that would not eat anything in my house. She's a very picky eater and always offered to go find herself dinner somewhere else (she's a pretty big taco bell fanatic), but I felt bad about her having to do that. Unfortunately, that meant eating out for every meal including Starbucks for breakfast. It got really expensive, and I won't be able to have her here for a while now!

The food thing was bad, but the texting is far worse. The entire time that friend was at my house, she was texting other people. She texted while we shopped, while we ate dinner, while we played board games... We could hardly have a conversation between all of the text messages! So that's now my #1 house rule: Keep texting to a minimum.

Just because they are family doesn't mean they can invite themselves over whenever they want. It's your house, you make some rules and then enforce them!

I would no sooner impose on someone by staying as a houseguest than I would host a houseguest. Just say no. I don't even have a second bedroom as I don't host houseguests and that is a great deterrent to any 'self-inviters'. Sorry, no room!

I have the opposite problem. I want to stay at a hotel when I visit a city or vacation area where old friends live. I rather be independent on my own but they are insulted if I say I rather stay at a hotel. Some even get mad when I want to leave early. Not that I am that marvelous company but some friends and family think you should stay with them. I don't understand it.

Of course you could have let her do it alone! Your guest was doing you a huge favor.

The best response from you would have been, "Please don't do that, come chat with us and I'll take care of it later!" And if the guest insisted, "Thank you so much you're the best guest EVER!" would have been the proper response. :)

I'm lucky enough to have an extra bedroom in NYC and feel guilty that i don't offer it to visiting friends more often. But I'm still recovering from a friend's visit two years ago - expected me to pay for everything, made me late for work, and her stuff everywhere. As I was providing her a free place to stay, at her request, I expected better behavior.

can I just say I love reading the comments on posts like this :3

(great post too!!)

Reading this thread, I find I have really wonderful friends. I have stayed for days - even weeks with good friends. I do clean up, buy wine, groceries, and flowers, and cook as often as I am allowed. I have also had friends stay with me and I usually thrilled to have them as my friends are spread out around the world. It is actually a treat to be the hostess. They always bring a little gift, clean up, and give me an excuse to do touristy or unusual things I would never do in my normal routine. I love having friends as houseguests.
Family, however... that is a different story.

what @ensuenos said!
if you have friends you actually LIKE, things like long showers and unmade beds dont matter at all! when i think about all of the happiness that my friends bring into my life, and how fun it its to have them around, and how much i miss them when they are gone, i really dont have time to fuss over their eating habits, or texting frequency.

obviously, there are some obligatory family situations that are an exception.

but my only rule for guests is: COME WHENEVER YOU LIKE! SEE YOU SOON!!

Just to add to this fun discussion, I love having people to stay. I do have some friends who could come and stay as long as they wanted. We can co-exist happily, we share cooking, and shopping very naturally, and we know enough to retreat to our own corners when need be. My best friend stayed with me for a month after returning from work abroad, while she job and apartment hunted. We had a blast. Like so many things....it depends.

@Bridge: I think you hit the nail on the head. True friends would not abuse your hospitality, and are always a pleasure to have in your home.

"maybe i am lucky that i am fine sleeping in a dorm room with other people and using a shared bath. Most big cities have very budget friendly youth hostels. $20/$30 a night is not going to bankrupt anyone. If i travel with another person or two, i'd prefer cheap motel rooms. They are mostly outside of trendy area or in more depressed area. $50/$60 a night shared by 2 or 3 people is also not a deal breaker."

maybe you're lucky in that $50/60 a night would not be a deal breaker. must be nice.

This may seem strange, but asking before taking initiative for chores is extremely considerate in my opinion.

I could care less about unmade beds or short notices or lack of host gifts, but I am particular about how I like my house to be cleaned. I find a lot of other people subscribe to a filth-redistribution method, where I'm methodical and care more about cleanliness than aesthetics.

One year at Thanksgiving, I offered to host my brother and his girlfriend overnight. I fed breakfast, lunch and dinner. My brother drank all the beer I had purchased. They showed up empty handed, even though in our family its a tradition to bring something, particularly for Thanksgiving. The girlfriend asked for the leftovers for her cats! I was so shocked I just did it, I should have said no in retrospect. In the morning, I found that she had hidden two of the sodas she brought for herself in the meat drawer. She had gotten three meals plus snacks, leftovers to bring home, and she was concerned about someone taking one of "her" sodas. Cheap cheap cheap.

I think it's nice to stay with friends and I love having company, I don't expect much from my guests - just a little courtesy.

Worst guest experience: A guest asking for one of us to do her laundry every night of her two-week-become-a-month-stay and hand-wash her delicates (just about everything she brought apparently): I introduced her to the washing machine and the delicate cycle.

Best guest experience: My cousin came to visit for the weekend, cooked
meals and insisted on babysitting!

Weirdest thing I was asked to do: My friend invited me to her parent's place on the beach for a week, we each had a room and bathroom. An hour before we were suppose to head to the airport she hands me the cleaning supplies and tells me "I expect all my guests to clean before leaving". It wasn't so much the cleaning part that bothered me but I was stunned that she left it until the last second to tell me! Then she wandered off for a "last" stroll on the beach...(I had spent the week doing dishes, helping with all the meals, etc.).

Wow, I've been lucky that all my friends/overnight guests are wonderful to a fault. Couple years ago one of them told me to stop getting up from the dinner table to refresh their drinks and just sit and relax with the rest of them.

The only overnight guest I dread is my dad when he travels from China because he is so entitled and expected to be waited hand and foot like we're servants.

Rural and Rueful is correct, rudeness is universal and not overly abundant in the U.S. Couple years ago I traveled to Italy and France and was taken back by the antics of the European guests in my hosts' homes; eating everything in the fridge and not replacing it, smoking indoors, and running around in skivvies. I was criticized for being "too American" because I always covered myself up, apparently drank too much water, and kept my door closed. They were surprised that they couldn't just open my door and invite themselves in while I was in the room.

That sounds familiar to me. They now have a second kid too, but they still come over to stay.

That's basically what we do when we have a guest+kids come over (mostly extended family). Everything in our living room+dining room+bathroom had to be CLEARED OUT. From knick knacks, displays - EVERYTHING reachable. Our small dogs have to be locked up in our bedroom all day until they leave or their *adorable* children would throw things at them and chase them around.

These visits happens so often I feel like I'm the one living part time in our own home.
The unfortunate part is that my spouse is OK having them because it's his family.

Seriously, CONTROL your children.
Clean up after yourselves.
Don't stay more than two days or get a hotel room.
Don't expect your host to have everything you want/need
Don't expect to be served and cooked for if you're staying longer than 2 days.
Bring your own personal items.

So refreshing to read! Thank you.
I have few house guests, (one bedroom 750 sq ft) but when I do, they are lovely.
I've never had someone bug me to the degree that others describe.

I like to think I'm a good house guest. I guess my one flaw is sleeping in. (but still no later than I would sleep at home on a work day - I just get up later than most people) No need to tiptoe around if I'm sleeping - I'm a log.

Although, I just visited my friend for a few days - and she wouldn't let me buy her dinner - or buy groceries... even my own groceries. I felt badly about it - but she insisted that I had purchased the plane ticket, and used the vacation days.... that she wanted to make my visit enticing enough to want to come back. I have no retort to get my way when she puts it like that!

I've always assumed that you should respect that you're in someone else's space, try to make as little impact on their lives as possible, offer to help out as frequently as it takes for them to accept, and be charming & well-behaved.

But most of my house visits are with aging relatives who you are NOT rude to.

On whole, my experiences with guests coming to stay has been pretty good, although there was a few times when I was living overseas and had guests, or my roommates had guests over and the sleeping space was strewn with dirty kleenexes, and smelly socks. After reading these stories, I guess I didn't get it too bad.

I actually had a very bad experience being a houseguest. A few years ago I was invited to stay at a now ex-boyfriend's parents' house where I actually felt like a burden, even though I had brought a gift for the hostess, helped with house chores and was my usual tidy self. In the evening I asked if I could take a shower and was told I was to have a bath, but that I wasn't to use more than a few inches of water in the tub. When I asked where the clean towels were, I was told to use the one hanging up (a communal towel - gross! I was horrified) It turns out my boyfriend's mother hated doing laundry and hated to clean (I guessed that's why there was crumbs in the bed?? Actually, I don't even know if one could refer to it as a bed. It was the most uncomfortable contraption and I barely slept. There was also a mildew smell that seemed to come from the pillows - ugh). Staying there was a lesson in how I would not want to be as a hostess.

@ellabee - Your story about the spoons? Wow, just wow.

I can't recall any objectively awful experiences with houseguests, which probably means I've never had anything worse than "annoying" guests.

I'm "lucky" to live in a very small one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend, which means that I can use "Sorry, our place is tiny and it's not ideal for guests" as an excuse to ward off inquisitive would-be guests. This doesn't apply to my inner circle of friends and family.

My question is: How do you turn down people who fall in that middle category-not quite close friends, but not mere acquaintances? I believe that one should be able to say a simple no, but I worry that unless I give a reason or explanation for why I can't host someone, the person will think I'm rude, or worse, rejecting our friendship. In fact, I have a few friends who are sensitive to this type of thing, though fortunately, none of them has asked me to host yet.

A house guest should be highly conscious of the fact that the host is not only offering free lodging but also hospitality. It AMAZES me, and I'm in my mid-late twenties, that people arrive in town expecting their friends to act as chauffeurs, maids, and cooks. To me, it's not about being perfect and invisible but simply about showing consideration and appreciation for your host. Thankfully, most of my friends fall on the "hyper consciously clean and considerate" side of the line.

My most recent experience was only an "almost houseguest." A college acquaintance with whom I had worked on a few projects was visiting my city of Los Angeles, from Southeast Asia (I won't say where). I hadn't spoken to her in years but liked her. I warned her (1) my space was too small for guests and (2) I was studying for the bar exam. No problem, she said, she had a place to stay, and she had other plans, other people to see. But she kept asking me to meet her. I hinted at my demanding study schedule and said I could, at most, squeeze in brunch. I drove an hour to pick her up (it turned out she wasn't staying in LA proper, after all), drove us to brunch, drove her to ANOTHER address afterward (since she was moving locations for the night). That was fine. She insisted we meet up again the following weekend, but I warned her I might be busy. At this point, the exam was coming up, I was studying up to 18 hours a day, eating while memorizing outlines, and needless to say, my stress level was high.

Thankfully I got to skip a second meeting. But one Sunday night, the night before she was supposed to leave for her next vacation destination, she sent me a rushed email. Her lodging had fallen through-could she stay with me that night? What irked me is not only that this email arrived last minute, but there was no acknowledgment of my busy schedule, no "I know you're busy, but...". I didn't want to ask, but I assumed, since the email didn't say otherwise, that she wanted me to drive another hour to pick her up, then take her to the airport the next morning. In ALL other times in my life, I would have been the pushover and said yes, but I was close to a nervous breakdown (literally). Note: If it were any other summer, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for my friend. I would have driven her around LA gladly, acting as tour guide.

So here are two helpful tips I would share, one specific to LA, one specific to (unfortunate) friends of bar takers:

1. If your would-be host is studying for the bar exam, don't approach that person, even with a ten-foot pole. Even if your friend is normally a kind, generous people, even if that person is your best friend, his or her heart is likely being squeezed of any compassion by a tight vise of survival methods and sleep deprivation. This wil sound crazy, but don't expect them to volunteer to have brunch or to host you during your stay. Yes, it's *just* an exam, but even so, many if not most of the people preparing for it become extremely neurotic. It happened to the best of us.

2. If you are visiting Los Angeles: Driving times are dictated by traffic, NOT DISTANCE. Even if you are just "across town," your host might have to drive for an hour (or more!) simply to meet you, depending on the time of day. Some locals, like my sister, take this in stride, but don't expect everyone to be so eager to brave the 405 or the 10 during rush hour. TIP: Plan meeting times and locations well in advance, allowing your host to suggest alternatives in case the suggested time or location means clogged streets. ILLUSTRATIVE STORY: When my cousin from Korea was visiting, her smart but clueless friend asked if I could drive across town to pick her up, bring her back to my neighborhood by the beach, then take her back 2 hours later so that she could meet her cousin (who lives in LA). This meant crossing the city four times-one leg took 1.5 hours because of an accident. Because I knew it would be rude and embarrassing to my cousin to express how stressed and annoyed I was, I just put the radio on and started singing loudly. Luckily, my cousin saw through it and bought me dinner that night, making sure to tell me, "You don't have to pretend to be happy anymore"- HA!

I invited my friend to come visit with my boyfriend and I in our tiny one-bedroom for a week or two in the summer. I'd asked him to bring a couple things I'd left up there when I first moved about a year ago - originally I'd asked him to send them and offered to pay for postage, but he never did. He promised up and down to bring my things - and when he arrived, lo and behold, he had forgotten it all. Although my boyfriend and I are usually tight for money (and he knew this,) he didn't offer to pay for anything. He didn't offer to help clean up in any way, and one morning he got mad at us for getting up late. The original "2 weeks or more" invitation became hardly a week. I wonder how some people can grow up without these basic manners?!

As host or guest enforce these rules for family and friends:

Two nights max in your home.
Make lights out and awake time clear.
Think about the idea of one night together, one night apart.
Reading/nap time keeps everyone happy.
Take some walks. Guests get to see the area, and no one feels cramped. Not everyone has to go every time.

@Sarah from Winner Celebration Party

I recently had a very similar situation with a friend visiting in town. While this person was not my house guest, there were some rather large expectations placed upon me that I was forced to decline, rather forcefully. I live in a very popular tourist spot and said friend was coming to town for a week for vacation. First it was "Can you pick me up at the airport?". Not an unusual request and one I agreed to. After dropping him off at his hotel from the airport, I offered to take him to brunch the next day so we could catch up. After that, it got a touch frustrating. When one goes on vacation, it is to vacation: relax, see the sights, etc. This friend expected me to act as chauffeur every day of the week while he was in town. Since I home school my son, this friend simply waited until we were available every afternoon before venturing out to do anything, as he wanted us to go with. It would be one thing if we had been invited to go along, but there was an expectation that we were tour guide, chauffeur and entertainment for the week. When I politely stated that we wouldn't be able to see him that day because of prior engagements, he got a bit snippy with me, stating that this was his vacation. Ok, great, but that's just it: it is your vacation, not mine. I have seen all the tourist sights and don't particularly want to drive to your hotel every day (which was 20 miles from my house). On top of all that, he wanted me to pay for everything because he claimed to not have budgeted well enough for his trip. His last evening in town, he proclaimed he was hungry and wanted to go to dinner. I told him, very sweetly, that we would be delighted to be treated to dinner, if he was inviting us to do so. Then it was "well, I should probably start packing for my flight tomorrow". Suddenly wasn't so hungry when it was discovered that I wouldn't be paying, considering I had already done so many times that week. Once, he simply got up when the check arrived for a meal, and told me he would meet me out front of the restaurant. My husband and I were floored. Incredibly rude........

Said guest is planning a return trip with the statement made that he would like to spend more time with us as he felt we didn't spend enough time this trip (half of the day, for 8 days was apparently not enough). I again told him that we would be happy to take him out to brunch the morning after his flight or to have lunch during the week, but that his vacation is his, not ours. I can't even imagine what it would have been like had he been our house guest!

Ditto what @documentaryproject said. Do not be a doormat host. It is perfectly acceptable to say "You are free to stay here 2 days" (if that is your limit) and if they call back saying "Surprise! I will be staying a week" explain that you have a 2 day limit for house guests, so they will have to find other accommodations for the rest of the time. We have done this with several houseguests and it works fine. If they have a problem with it, tough shit. (And is someone like that really a friend you want?) Alternatively, when I am a houseguest, I never stay more than my original plans and if the host has a time limit for my stay, I am grateful that they tell it to me straight.

Why are we so afraid to speak up as hosts? Is the fear that we will be seen a "rigid" or "miserly"? I have found that I care less what others think of me and more about my own comfort levels in my home. If I am smiling through gritted teeth, does that mean I am a better host than one who states her boundaries from the start? This is a interesting discussion!

Advice for hosts:

Clear communication is key. I think some hosts need to learn to smile, say "No" without offering an explanation when they've reached their limits, and to stick with it (smile and 'no'). You have no obligation to say yes to unreasonable requests.

If someone asks to stay with us, if I am working at home I let them know that I need quiet during certain hours. If I am leaving the house and need the bathroom at a certain time, I mention it the night before. If I cannot easily pick guests up from the airport (which I am happy to do, most times), I simply say that I can't and offer them the shuttle telephone number. If I cook, I ask for help cleaning up (though it is almost always offered): "Here, I have an extra apron to protect your clothes." Not everyone thinks to offer, but if you ask, most will cheerfully help plus you get a nice chat in while you tidy up.

Be clear; be reasonable; be willing to speak up; enjoy your guests.

I have many close friends who live out of town. When they come visit me, they pay for and suffer through the round-trip bus/train/plain ride, and give up the comfort of their home to sleep on the air bed in my living room. I'm often so grateful that they took the time and expense to come visit that I'm only too happy to take them out and do whatever I can to make them comfortable while they're here. After all, they're my friends and I want to visit with them, and when they come to me, they're saving me money plus however many hours of travel. Of course, the situation is different when it's a friend of a friend I've never met and he's using my place as a hotel... that's a whole other story that may or may not have happened.

I don't like house guests, and I don't like being one either. Starwoods points, people. However, when I have been hosted, I make myself as invisible as possible. I also help clean up, not just my mess but just generally speaking. I bring gifts (pancake mix and other breakfast items are fun because you all can make it together one morning). I also never stay more than 2 nights- I usually only stay one night (and that's at my host's invite, I actually never ask to stay with anyone, my preference is to stay at a hotel).

When I host: Obviously the guest linens and towels are freshly laundered, there is a carafe of water and a glass at the bedside, I plan a few activities, and I make at least one dinner for everyone.

It would be so helpful if guests were to consider the following as a guideline:

1. When you ask to stay with someone, give them your dates. I have no idea if by "weekend" you mean Friday night through Sunday night, or Saturday through Sunday or Friday to Monday. My retired mother in law thinks that "weekend" means Wednesday night through Tuesday... I'm not joking.

2. Take off your shoes if it's a no shoe house. I have a baby. He doesn't need to be eating whatever you're tracking from the bottom of your shoe.

3. Keep your space clean. I'm giving you the baby's nursery for your stay. His clothes and blankets, etc. are in that room. Please don't make me wade through your dirty laundry, toiletries, and strewn clothes to get to his things.

4. Don't treat your host like she's the hotel maid. Help when you see she needs it, or take it upon yourself to do things without being asked.

@eczblack Thanks for sharing that story! I was about to say, "Wow," yet again, but what is surprising me more is just how common these bad visitor stories are (at least based on these comments). The safest rule always seems to be to just ask your would-be host ahead of time, "Are you going to be free?" and then trust whatever they say. I always assume my friends are busy with work/family/partners, even if they're my closest friends, and I try to schedule my visits for times convenient to them. That seems so obvious, yet apparently not to all!

I would be curious to see a discussion among these guests (or even the bad hosts) to see what is going on in their minds.

As for saying "no" - I wonder if there is a generation/age factor at play, or at least a life phase factor. I could imagine myself being married one day, with maybe kids, maybe a pet, on top of a full-time job, at which point, maybe I would feel more confident saying no to someone wanting to stay with me. But when I was a student, or in my early twenties, living alone or with roommates and a 9-5 job or a few classes, it seemed much harder to say no. Also, among my peers, there is this air of casual friendliness whereby everyone acts as if it is no big deal to host guests and it's almost de facto expected that you will open your doors and not force your low to average income-earning friends to pay for hotels. In that regard, I'm a little old-fashioned in that I'm a bit more formal when it comes to drawing privacy lines.

Love this discussion, interested to read all the anecdotes!

My worst houseguest experience was quite the opposite. A cousin asked if she could come for a visit and stay with me for a week. I hadn't seen her for a while, and I was thrilled, so I started making plans... I scrubbed the whole house, arranged to take time off work so we could enjoy her visit, bought extra bedding so she could stay on my couch comfortably, and stocked the fridge. She shows up, stays one night, and announces she is leaving the next morning to go on vacation with her boyfriend. I was so hurt and disappointed! Houseguests should remember that often their hosts are thrilled to have them and spend time with them--be respectful of the fact that someone else cares about you enough to welcome you into their home!

I have a "friend" that has done this exact thing to me on numerous occasions throughout the years. The first few times we actually hung out, but with each successive visit it became clear that my place was a crash pad while she went out with other people. The last time she stayed we didn't hang out at all.

She contacted me a few months to say she was going to be in town and I decided to be firm about what she could and couldn't expect from me. Yes, you can stay. No, we can't pick you up or drop you off. We have work so we can't drive you around either. Needless to say, I never heard back from her. Can't say I'm too broken up about it.

@The-asp: "Why are we so afraid to speak up as hosts? Is the fear that we will be seen a "rigid" or "miserly"? "

It's not that we are afraid to speak up, it's "guests" who refuse to take "no" for an answer. Believe it or not, I had to explain on 3 separate occasions to a guest that, no, they couldn't host their friends in MY home because I had made prior arrangements for my own dear friends to stay on those particular dates. They still arranged for their friends to come AS SOON AS my friends left. This is why I wonder if it is a cultural phenomenon, this pushiness, not taking "No" for an answer. In my culture, it would be unheard of, mortifying, to persist if someone has said "No" once, let alone 3 times.

I seemed to have a problem posting this.

@The-asp: "Why are we so afraid to speak up as hosts? Is the fear that we will be seen a "rigid" or "miserly"?

It's not that we are afraid to say "No", rather it's "guests" who refuse to take "No" for an answer. Believe it or not, I had to explain to a guest on 3 separate occasions that, no, they couldn't host their friends in MY house because I had made prior arrangements for my own dear friends to stay on those particular dates. They still proceeded to invite their friends AS SOON AS my friends left. This is why I wonder if it's a cultural phenomenon, this pushiness, unwillingness to take "No" for an answer. In my culture, it would be unthinkable, mortifying, to persist if someone has said "No" once, let alone 3 times.

worst house guest ever was a couple with a baby who were traveling through and needed a place to crash. We let them use our inflatable mattress with memory foam on top. They had planned to stay 2 nights, but decided instead to stay just one after the first night. I thought we had woken up the baby and were too loud late at night. It turns out that they wet the bed that night and were too embarrassed to tell us. Our next guest who came a day or two later slept on a pee-soaked memory foam pad for a few days til we realized what had happened. We had to toss the memory foam pad and scrub the mattress with bleach. So gross! Please don't wet other people's beds as a guest or at less fess up.

ooops, pardon my typos!
least*

Learned the hard way:

If, as houseguest with a very slim budget, you decide to make washing a huge kitchenful of dishes your primary gift to your hosts; and if there is more than one person who normally lives in that house; DO NOT ASSUME that (just because, say, they left you alone in a houseful of dirty dishes and returned to a houseful of clean dishes -including scrubbed kitchen sink, clean counters and mopped floors) they will think that you did the cleaning.

Twice now, I have long afterwards learned that my hosts each assumed that it was a spouse or roommate who did the cleaning - regardless of whether said spouse or roommate had ever been known to do such cleaning before or since - and that my hosts had felt somewhat miffed at the time by my apparent ingratitude.

My husband had a friend with wife and baby stay at our house "while passing through" on their way to move north. I was assuming a day or 2. A week later they were showing no signs of leaving. I had my husband ask his friend how long they were planning to stay. He said "oh, maybe a month". My husband asked them to leave a little sooner and they were gone within a few more days. Now things are completely awkward with them. I feel kind of bad about the situation, but who on earth plans to stay A MONTH at someone's house without discussing it first?

@pearmelon - Wow. The nerve. I have never encountered such behavior.

Had a guest in our RV whose underwear ended up on our bedroom floor. After I returned them to him he ran around waving them like a victory flag - I ripped them out of his hands and burned them on a campfire. What fun!!

One thing I neglected to mention in my earlier comment is that I live in New York City in a studio apartment. While not everyone here is in a studio, many are living in small spaces, which makes having house guests a far greater imposition here that it would be elsewhere. But I love having people come to stay. Late night conversations followed by morning coffee in your pajamas, that cements friendships. My dream is to some day have an apartment with a guest room!

I have to say I've been quite lucky. When I host, I feel a LOT more comfortable than when I'm a guest. Not a lot bothers me as long as I don't have to give up my bedroom. I don't even mind people not cleaning up dishes or doing laundry, since I have my own way of doing these things and would rather do them myself. things like leaving the carpet in need of cleaning or rings on the coffee table would of course bother me though. But i've never had any horror stories from overnight guests.

Ordinarily, when my boyfriend and I let our friends know we'll be in town, we have several people will offer out of the blue to let us stay with them. I tend to feel a lot of pressure to spend a ton of time with the host, plus I like my privacy, so usually we opt to stay in a hotel anyway. But if we plan to spend a lot of time with one couple, we stay with them, as they stay with us when they come to DC.

We of course make the bed and clean the sheets and everything else. We don't buy any gifts (well, we usually buy something for kids, if the hosts have them) but we do pickup dinner at least one night out. I usually stay out of the bathrooms until everyone is finished with their morning routine, and I will only use the kitchen for water. While I could make something in the morning or plan dinner or breakfast, I don't like doing this. The reason is because some people are VERY picky about how their stuff is used and where it is used and how it is cleaned. I don't want to accidentally surprise people with breakfast and use a dedicated omelet pan for pancakes. Same with loading the dishwasher! I've been scolded for doing it "wrong" from a host before - lesson learned!

The wonderful thing about these visits is you end up becoming more like family than friends. One couple we regularly stay with first came to stay with us for the '09 inauguration. we had a ton of fun with them and now we travel regularly together and we are frequent house guests at their place.

Wow, after reading a few of the comments here...I apparently have some VERY nice friends. None of my guests have been annoying like this! I have a ton of friends who don't have a lot of money, for various reasons, and I truly enjoy having people crash at our place, instead of a hotel...as long as they don't mind our lack of a separate guest bedroom! Maybe that keeps people from wanting to stay endlessly? I don't know. I'm also right by a major airport, so I get to see friends and family when they're on their way to or from somewhere, which is great!

Interesting post and comments. For my part, I love having friends stay! - in fact, one of my first purchases for my current place was a very nice wooden frame futon with a thick mattress so that people would be comfortable when they came to visit. And most everyone has been clean, polite, and (most importantly) fun to have around. The whole "stay in a hotel instead of my house" thing is something I don't get at all.

Obviously the basics apply: be neat, considerate of your host, etc. But these are obvious...right?

Wow. That's a little insulting, isn't it? Replace "American" with any other nationality and see how that sounds.

Remember... this isn't a "tell us about your nicest houseguest" post. You don't know where these commenters live, either.

Allllllright... this has been entertaining reading these stories...

First, I consider myself a pretty good houseguest. I ALWAYS arrive with a bottle of wine or liquor that my host will enjoy (with or without me), make my bed daily, strip my bed upon exit, ask if anyone needs to use the bathroom before showering, take my host out for dinner and/or drinks, and stay out of the way.

Second, WORST HOUSEGUEST EVER!! I was moving from Chicago to San Francisco (driving, actually), and asked around to see if anyone wanted to make the drive with me (for company and fun). A 'good' friend jumped at the chance to come with me, awesome. We made plans to stop in Denver to go skiing, and Las Vegas to throw $20 on a table. For weeks before we left I mentioned that I expected him to stay between 5-7 days and that I would pay for his plane ticket home (read: I would pay for his plane ticket home). He said that he didn't expect that, but pleasantly accepted the offer. I then made sure (repeatedly) that he could drive stick shift. Chicago to SF is a looong drive and I didn't want to do it all myself. He repeatedly told me he could definitely drive stick, but in the middle of Iowa, when I suggested we switch drivers... he got in the driver's seat and asked, "so how do I do this again?" and proceeded to grind the gears, and jerk the car around. He NEVER knew how to drive stick. I was so upset I got back in the driver's seat and drove the entire way in two days, skipping both Denver and Vegas because he didn't feel like it.

Upon arrival to San Francisco, I showed my houseguest his bedroom and went to my own and shut the door.

TWO MONTHS LATER, I finally told him he had to go. I didn't care how. After two months of never ever grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, never leaving the house, and playing video games all day, I couldn't take it. I wasn't even there when he left and haven't spoken to him since (it's been 18 months).

The extreme excess of time is partly my fault, because I didn't put my foot down sooner (though I did constantly ask him when he was planning to leave and when I could buy him the ticket home).

So I suppose this is a lesson for both Road Trip Buddies AND House Guest Behavior. Choose them both very, very wisely.

We need a post about inconsiderate hosts, too. A friend whom I hadn't seen in a couple of years suggested I come visit her. I made arrangements with her, took a week off of work, bought the tickets, etc. Most of the week was spent watching her and her roommate play video games. Video games that required headsets and concentration so we couldn't even interact while she played. She played in 2 "tournaments" while I was there, which lasted until 3 or 4 am. As I was sleeping in the room she played in, it meant I was up until she was finished. Not a pleasant experience. I wouldn't have minded sitting in her apartment just hanging out -it would've been lovely to spend quality time together. At least I had a couple of books with me.

I agree North Bay. I understand that some people can be finicky about their homes and that it's rude to not keep your host informed, and that if you have children you should control them.... but I can't get over the amount of people insisting that a gift is mandatory.

I love having my friends and family to stay! It's a pleasure to have them. I don't expect them to leave after 3 days MAX. Or buy me anything. Or make me dinner (although it's lovely if they want to do that). Their company is gift enough for me, and if it's not we're probably not close enough to warrant a request or an invitation. If I can take them to the airport, I'm happy to. If they end up missing a flight or a train, of course they can stay another night....

I'm all for etiquette, but jeepers. Friendship is cool too.

You're absolutely right with this: "Their company is gift enough... and if it's not we're probably not close enough to warrant a request..."
Rules of etiquette are useful when dealing with unfamiliar situations or people - so here, I guess the etiquette would be not to request to stay if you're not really that friendly with or close to your host. It puts people in an uncomfortable situation, and that's bad manners. Judging from the stories on here, it would seem many people need this spelled out to them.

How about offering last-minute to put a family member up as they pass through the area...and they don't tell you until they are leaving that they have bed bugs at their home, and found one in your guest bed that morning.

Long story short, after spending hundreds of dollars on exterminating (none of which did they offer to reimburse) we ended up burning the box spring/mattress. My husband plans to turn the former guest room into a bar/video game room =D

NO MORE GUESTS. EVER.

I've got to say that my husband and I try very hard to be good guests and good hosts, and I am very frustrated when we visit others and they're very rude. We recently drove very far to my in-laws's house to meet our newest nephew (they live out in the middle of nowhere with a giant house, so a hotel isn't an option). We got there, and the children we'd come to see weren't even there; their mother had taken them to a work function so her old boss could meet them. Um, hello? We just drove over six hours in the rain, and we're in town under 24 hours. They knew we were arriving at lunch time, but ate without us (I don't expect them to wait if it's late, but we got there right at noon after driving forever; I always have a meal, or at least snack, waiting for my guests, especially after a long drive.), then we sat around waiting for the kids to get home. Once they did, we danced around the idea of dinner, and it turned out they had no food in the house. They knew we were coming, and we always offer to help cook or buy food, but we were starved at this point. Then, there were no clean sheets for our bed, which they remembered after 10 pm when we went to go to bed, so we waited up another hour plus for the sheets to be washed and dried. The next morning, went to get in the shower, and there are no towels. Womp womp. I don't expect someone to wait on me or entertain me, but being able to sleep and bathe doesn't seem too much to ask, especially when we'd all planned this visit weeks prior. They are the worst hosts ever, and they refuse to ever visit us. Needless to say, our next visit to them will be a long way away.