Registries are very useful! I like getting a collection of the cheaper items.
They always make me a little envious, having no plans for marriage. Where's the registry for single people who also want a bunch of cool gifts? :)

I completely agree with the points mentioned. I just got married at the beginning of this month and my husband and I felt a little silly with scanning all of these great items onto one list for our guests' eyes to see until my uncle whom I havent seen since I was 6 showed up with the PERFECT gift and thanked us for sharing our registry information with him.

The way I see it is that if someone is going to spend money to gift something to you it should be something that will be used and enjoyed rather than either thrown away, regifted, or stored in the dark corner of the highest shelf in the closet. (Be honest, how many gravy boats and gaudy picture frame/photo albums are you hiding at the moment?)

Registries defintely make it easier for the guest to pick and feel confident about their choice in gift.

I once went to a wedding where I didn't know the couple well personally and they had a very small registry. It was quickly picked over. I knew they were a young couple of which had never lived on their own before outside of college and soon to be buying a first home, so I just purchased them a gift card for my budget amount at the store (Target) that they had initially registered at. That way they could use it for anything that they needed.

We got married before the online thing took off, so our registry was a traditional department store one. I was most thankful--at the time--for the practical registry gifts; but I most love & treasure the personal & one-of-a-kind gifts.

With the exception of, say, china and silver or flatware, I wonder how long most wedding gifts are kept and used on average? We've just celebrated our 21st anniversary, and have and use only a couple of the gifts we received (some of which were in a registry). We DO use our china and flatware (we didn't want to have to polish silver--did that enough growing up) a few times a year, but even the china we would do over if we could. Our flatware is fine.

Of course registries can be useful. However, having worked at a nationwide (and very popular) housewares store that is popular for brides, you WOULD NOT BELIEVE how much they return. For cash. They have recently changed their return policy and gifts can no longer be redeemed for cash. I have wondered how that has affected registries. I saw many instances of cars pulled up to the front of the store and SUV loads of gifts brought in for return. Kind of sickening really

I don't usually mind registries, as long as the folks who created them didn't just run through the store choosing every high-priced gift in sight. Also, I don't buy gifts for or go to weddings, showers, etc. for anyone other than very close friends. I don't buy gifts for "strangers", work friends or their relatives. When in doubt with baby showers, though, just buy diapers. A box of diapers (or case or whatever) isn't the most glamorous gift, but it's a practical one.

I think that registries, in and of themselves, are a good and infinitely practical idea. Where couples get into trouble (and risk damaging friendships) is when they get all starry-eyed about their dream house and lose touch with reality. Yes, Baccarat crystal champagne classes are lovely to look at-- but if everything on your wedding registry is over $150, you're not providing practical guidance to your guests with smaller budgets and you're probably insulting them to boot. I'm not going to buy you 2 water glasses. It's embarrassing. But sometimes I look at wedding registries and the only thing my budget will buy is 2 water glasses.

I think registries and wedding gifts are tacky, period. Most couples I know get married after they have been living together, or at least away from home, for a very long time, and they have plenty of STUFF. If you don't know the couple well enough to know what they may want or need, why get them a gift at all? I love the no gift trend, especially for couples who have lived together. Wedding gifts were originally meant for couples just starting out in adult life, now people just register for stuff they want. TACKY!

Registries are the norm now. I truly do not understand what the naysayers have against them. Like the author said, both you and the receiver know you want to buy them gifts for the occasion, so why not make it easy on both parties?

If you don't like what they registered for (I have seen some pretty ugly & ridiculous stuff on plenty of registries) you can at least get a sense of their style and needs so you can pick out something original yourself. Or there is always cash... :)

Eh, I skip all registries and bust out the C-Notes. I think it's tacky to give anything less than $50 per person. Weddings are expensive.

I am 100% with you about the registries. Baby or wedding showers mean I look for a feel of what they have and want and then I tend to build my own 'perfect' gift.

The one type of registry I find tacky and ridiculous is the 'honeymoon registry'. It seems particularly ridiculous because the companies who run them often take a cut of the money given as gifts. Much better to just give a check with a suggestion in the card that they have a nice dinner on you while on their honeymoon.

@cooljake Though many adults live on their own or together before getting married these days (in other words, it is less & less common to go directly from your parents' home to your married home), it doesn't necessarily mean they've been able to acquire the lovely things we associate with "putting a home together". I've had adult apartments for 12 years, but my dishes are mismatched-IKEA-from-the-thriftstore, my...let's just cut to the chase, everything is from the thrift store. That doesn't mean I don't love it, or that I'm too good for it, but if I were ever to get married I could see my friends being happy to set me up with a few higher-quality/less-beat-up home goods.

In response to your other point, there are also times when you attend the wedding of someone you know and care about, but know nothing about their homelife, or the wedding of someone you HOPE to know and care about (your new love's sister, etc).

Registries are helpful and not offensive in themselves. But I have received some pretty crass invitations over the years, where I felt like I was being explicitly solicited for funds or goods in return for the invitation. As if it were the real reason for the event in the first place.

It's especially obnoxious when coming from a couple who are planning a bigger wedding than they can afford. Some of the nicest ceremonies I have ever attended were at private homes with catering provided by family and friends. One young couple got married in a park and invited guests to bring their own picnics. It was sweet, they didn't go into debt and it was more personal than a hotel ballroom.

cooljake - I couldn't agree with you more.

I'm pretty shocked at the registries I've seen for relatively high earning couples in their late 20s/early 30s who have lived together for over a year. It's like it's viewed as an opportunity to get all fresh new STUFF without footing the bill -- "ah, those plates we got a few years ago -- they just have to be replaced with these ones from williams sonoma. and we need enough full sets of cups, bowls, wine glasses, salad plates, dinner plates, dessert plates, etc. for when we have two dozen people over for dinner".

It's tacky consumerism. And I dare add a bit greedy.

I'm a huge proponent of no gift weddings or where you're encouraged to donate to a charity of the couple's choice.

I've been married about 12 years and we've used pretty much everything in our registry. I did have to break myself of the "only use fine china for special occasions" mindset and I'm glad I did. I did get feedback that it was helpful for people who weren't sure what to get us.

I find registries to be helpful to get a sense of what the couple like, even if I don't buy off their registry. I like to give gifts for special occasions and it's nice to know that I'm at least on the right track with regards to taste.

Weddings don't HAVE to be expensive--people have just allowed them to get that way. Our wedding day cost $1,600 in 1991, and that includes a brand new wedding dress, which my wife got for a steal. One of my best friends advised me to put the $ into the honeymoon, and he was right.

We had a smallish registry mainly due to parental pressure, though I appreciate them since all my gift giving tends to be last minute. I generally remember what came from who, but I can tell you my husband doesn't have a clue (despite being strong-armed into writing about a third of the thank yous).

What did we appreciate the most? The Home Depot gift cards. They were awesome when moving into a new place. If you're not into straight cash, like to give Amazon gift cards for gifts. They can be as frivolous or as practical as the person wishes and are far from limiting. A relative (bless his heart) every year gives me a gift card to a store I only kind of like. It's kind of work to use it.

While there is something inherently tacky about telling people what you want, registries just make sense for everyone. Often times I'm buying a gift for a friend who I haven't seen in a while and I have no idea what they have/don't, or I'm friends with the groom and couldn't begin to pick something out in the bride's style. And all those baby showers I went to in my mid twenties? I would have been lost without a registry. I used to walk into the store, print the registry, circle things up to my price range and flag down the nearest employee to find the items for me.

For good friends I'll often find a personalized gift that I know they will treasure, but for most people the registry is a big help.

Of course, I have one college friend who filled her registry with outlandish gifts including FOUR different sets of china each with a price of over $300 per place setting. I don't think there was a single thing on the registry under $100.

My best friend failed to create a registry for her wedding shower. As maid of honor, I fielded dozens of frustrated calls from shower attendees. In the end, everyone wound up disappointed... my friend by her gifts (or lack thereof... some people opted to get her nothing) and her friends & family by their feeling of failure.

For heavens sake, REGISTER! It's not rude to register - it's rude to leave your friends & family in the dark about what to get you. And if you really don't want anything, great - register for a charity, accept toy donations for a kids' hospital or something.

I can't remember the last time I asked anyone about a wedding registry. I just google the names with "wedding registry". If that doesn't work, go to a specific store's website and put in the names.

...unless the couple is doing cloth diapers and registered for the kind or kinds they'd like to use, and then they're like, gee thanks for these heavily scented huggies that we're not going to use. So I would say, no, even for baby showers there isn't necessarily a perfect "when in doubt".

I'd like to make a case for the value of a good internet registry when your friends and family members are spread out all over the country. By choosing two nationally recognized stores with online shopping options, we were able to provide lovely-yet-affordable choices for our loved ones in California, South Dakota, Ohio, Virginia and South Carolina, and all the military family/friends in between and overseas. Our parent's generation didn't have this option and mostly had to hope for the best while choosing from just one local department store. We considered ourselves lucky to be able to make things practical and easy for our guests.

while i agree with you in principle, i have to laugh at a comparison to 1991... while inflation isn't CRAZY rampant ($1600 in 1991 = $2600 in 2011) i think it's important to realize that it's mostly the industry providers (sure, being allowed to...) that have raised prices so tremendously. where i live, even the simplest of venues or even parks cost quite a bit to utilize for anything like a wedding.

i may also add that some of the people who say they are "against" giving gifts, or think there should be no such thing... maybe haven't planned a wedding. i don't condone anyone having a big wedding just to receive gifts; i react in disgust also, but... you also don't have to attend/give gifts if you're just not that into the people in question.

@AKK730 Go ahead and get them 2 water glasses! At least it's something they want. :) Personally, the items on our registry ranged from $5 to $500. I figured people would do what was best for them.

By the way, I hated the process of creating the registries (difficult-to-navigate websites; trying to discern the differences between products that seemed the same; looking up product reviews; having to choose alternate items because Macy's has decided to stop carrying half the stuff on my registry, etc.). But my family really wanted me to make one.

So, it really wasn't about me. My family asked for-- actually, demanded-- guidance. But, yes, @Alishalc_ I DO have gaudy picture frame/photo albums stashed away, because several people who don't know me very well felt confident enough to ignore the registry!

Finally, weddings are expensive and take a lot of work. If you are attending, the nice thing to do is bring a gift. Even if it's small. Some people didn't even get us a card.

And for folks with limited space, registries can be critically important. At least for my baby registry, I did extensive research on the items that would be most compact and asked people to get those things and only those things (although I encouraged them to purchase the items used).
I had no idea how small our nyc apartment would be when I got married, so I wasn't able to be as selective.

I think the whole idea of a young couple hosting a wedding for their families and friends is just kind of weird. Why do two young, brokeish people, feel compelled to wine and dine a bunch of older and comparatively richer people? I much prefer the way other cultures do it, where the point is that the friends and families chip in to help the young couple get started. It's pretty much understood--and often stated outright--that gifts should be of the envelope variety.

I do think registries are practical. Having just funded a wedding for myself, which I totally shopped around for and did on the cheap, it was still super expensive. I now will never give anything but cash. It's honestly, truly, what 99% of bridal couples want most.

If I could do it over, I think I would have eloped. But when you both come from large, close knit families, and you start inviting them, then your friends, and people are coming from out of town so you want to feed them, but it's rude to feed just some and not others, and everyone in your families talks so you can't invite some without the rest, and it's too many people to fit in your house, and you both work full time so your chances of catering for 150 are slim to none...costs add up very fast. Even with a cheap cocktail dress, no flowers, no decorations, and the cheapest caterer in town.

@cooljake - What's more tacky-- having a wedding registry, or showing up to a wedding without a gift, but fully expecting to be fed? That's ridiculous. The only way I can see registries being tacky is if, as mentioned above, the couple goes wild and requests expensive, indulgent gifts. Otherwise, I've found them to be extremely helpful. I'm glad to know that the gifts I've given to married friends are something they'll actually love and not just tolerate, hide, or give away.

Also, just because "most couples" YOU know have plenty of "stuff," doesn't mean the same is true for, like, all of the about-to-be-married couples of the world.

I had a very small, informal wedding (all we could afford at the time), and no wedding list - it never even occurred to me. Never had a baby shower for any of my children, either (they are not the norm in Europe, thank goodness). An elegant solution I have come across was a request for no gifts (the couple had already set up home), but if guests absolutely insisted, then a gift card from a store of their choice would be welcome. It was a lovely wedding, with accommodation in a beautiful hotel provided for guests.

@robotropolis - i hear you! i'm basically the same boat... i know i'm off topic now, but everyone says "oh just do what's best for you, and do it the way you want to, hey, we don't see family (long-distance) very often, it would be a nice reunion, and do it within your budget, you know you'll want a honeymoon and house..." and really, it just is expensive. i think these are the situations where people hopefully understand that it's not about getting gifts... it's about a mutual respect and good time.

I was just informed a few months ago, when I asked about the registry for a September wedding that there would be none. Instead, about $100 a head was considered the appropriate gift amount in cash.

I buy everyone a croquet set as a wedding gift. Complaining about how much you spent on your own wedding or how much time it took to plan your own wedding...srsly? And in return you're going to send me a pre-approved list of goods and/or services to give you back in return? Hell, I'm only going to your stupid wedding to get drunk and maybe make out with someone's cute out of town relative.

So I just got married (eloped, really), and am planning a party for the sake of inviting close family and friends to celebrate with us. On the subject of registries. We didn't do one and we won't do one. No amount of cajoling is going to convince us to do it.

We are planning and paying for our post-wedding party in its entirety. We are also the sort of folk who, if we were to register, would have only "expensive" items on our list, which would probably offend somebody out there, so we're nixing the list. We're not in need of forks. Or knives. Really, what we're in need of, we can buy ourselves, and what we're in want of, we don't expect our guests to bring for us (hence the eloping in the first place). A wedding is supposed to be for the joy of the occasion and not a gift grab. It is the two of us taking 50 guests to a fabulous dinner and after party to celebrate - and although I don't judge the size/shape/expense/form/mode of the anyone's party at all, throwing a wedding should have nothing to do with the stuff that you're looking to score at the end of it.

There is no mention of gifts (or rather, not gifts) on our invitations because there is not supposed to be mention of gifts on invitations... but no gifts, please.

We had a small 50 person wedding with close friends and family only, and I was absolutely pressured by family members about setting up a registry. They WANTED us to have one so they knew what we needed/wanted. I did what they asked and put a small card in the invitation envelope with our registry number and the store name. My husband and I had lived together for 2 years before the wedding and had already 'set up house' to a degree. Does that make us greedy, tacky assholes? Maybe, but none of the people at our wedding thought so, and those are really the only ones who matter.

I do not view registries as rude or tacky or greedy (unless they did actually have $150 crystal glasses on them) but rather a good guide and something to make life easier for your guests. On the contrary, how arrogant for you to refuse to create a registry based solely on your perception that it is "rude" and then force your guests to make multiple phone calls and drive your maid of honor/parents/best man insane in the process. Hopefully you don't then bitch about all the cash gifts you get or how much returning you have to do.

In the US gifts are sort of expected at a wedding. Of course it's fine if you personally don't want them but you should accept that it is the cultural norm here. Not sure why people get so damn offended by it, then again weddings seem to bring out the nosey, judmental jerk in everyone.

@donaldn - so, which is worse?
i guess the deeper issue here might be the entire idea of what a wedding is and should mean to all involved.

That said, I really can't tolerate being asked for stuff on a regular basis and would definitely decline any kind of shower that is not immediately preceded by or followed by a baby or a wedding. And I'm 50/50 on the wedding.

Also, I didn't register for my wedding shower (I tried to get out of having one completely) and it was a huge mistake. We did a charity registry for the wedding, which was nice.

@DonaldN - you're exactly the reason I had a small wedding and only invited people who give even the tiniest rat's ass about me as a person.

One thing to consider when judging couples for having expensive items on their registry is that a lot of stores give a one-time discount after the wedding date on items that remain in the registry. When I got married, my husband and I registered for an expensive dining room table and chairs, not with any expectation that we would receive it from our guests but so that we could use our own money to buy it with a bit of a discount thrown in there.

Well, my not-to-be-registry WOULD have $150 crystal on it - and, for the sake of no-judgment, that would be the starter item. That's why it won't exist

I didn't say that to have a registry would make you a greedy asshole so much as you wanted to read that in my message, I'm simply giving you the rationale for why we're not having one. Not why everyone shouldn't - you read that yourself.

I didn't register for the wedding I had. We didn't need stuff, and I wouldn't ask for money. The marriage is now defunct, and I still take crap for it.

@booyakasha: do you see what I just did there, that is how you reply to comments when they are structured like this. Since I'm pretty sure you were trying to reply to me as my comment just happened to slot right below yours and you're quoting me let me just fix that for you: I hadn't even read what you wrote.

Maybe stop assuming everyone is talking to you and pay attention to @ symbols. Have a good one.

I would rather spend money on something they want rather than waste my money guessing, however, this summer we had to buy gifts for 2 weddings, 2 high school grads, a 20th anniversary, a 50th anniversary, a housewarming party, and 2 baby showers. I consider myself a generous person but that many gifts in a short time really tapped us out. One of the weddings was a second wedding and we bought her a nice gift the first time around and this time she registered again and wanted the huge wedding as if she had never set up house (i.e. all new bedding, mixers, dishes, etc.) and I thought it was a little strange. Regardless, we put out money to buy her a nice gift off her list. After giving a gift to all the above recipients for their special days I can say we did not receive even ONE thank you card from ANY of them which was shocking to me. That put a damper on my spirit of giving for a little while. I know this post is about the registry but please people, go back to basic manners and take a minute to thank your guests for the thought and the effort they put into your gift! Maybe I should put a little stack of thank you cards in with the gift...hint, hint. Sorry if that's obnoxious but it is a pet peeve of mine...we were brought up to send a thank you even if we were just invited over to dinner.

I think the whole Western wedding thing is kind of running up against different traditions which make no sense in today's world, but which still run kind of deep. One is the tradition of hosting, where you don't ask anything of your guests. Cash bar as tacky -- depends on the region (where I am, cash bars are most common, not surprising as we come from an economically depressed area). The other is the tradition of the bride's parents paying for the whole thing, which used to be laid in stone but now totally isn't. The idea that it's two families coming together (whether romantically or in the business sense). The idea that extended family expect to come, as if the parents were still paying, because that's how it's always been. The idea parents have that they should be able to invite people, because that's the way it's always been. The whole thing needs to get redefined very quickly and it takes a bit of courage to break those bonds.

"In the US gifts are sort of expected at a wedding. Of course it's fine if you personally don't want them but you should accept that it is the cultural norm here. Not sure why people get so damn offended by it, then again weddings seem to bring out the nosey, judmental jerk in everyone."

Exactly, why is this?! It's either a contest of who can spend the most or spend the least. If you have a wedding reception in the US, people are going to bring gifts. So let them know what you would prefer.

What I think is pretty arrogant is for someone to take the time to look at a registry made up of things that the couple specifically needs or wants, and then purposefully purchase something NOT on that list. If you're the kind of person who despises registries, politely decline the invitation. Don't use gift giving as some sort of passive-aggressive lesson to the couple.

An Amazon wish list works pretty well, but is slightly limited in range of products.

@SCGoble: "If you're the kind of person who despises registries, politely decline the invitation. Don't use gift giving as some sort of passive-aggressive lesson to the couple."

I agree! A wedding should be about the couple getting married, and their wishes should be respected, whether they have a registry or have requested no gifts, cash or a charitable donation. It's perfectly OK to decline the invitation, but just rude to override your host's wishes.

What if you were to list some stores you would like gift cards to? Tacky or acceptable?

At this point in my life, I definitely have all the little things and gadgets I could ever need. I could probably use less, honestly. It's bigger items like furniture upgrades or home repairs that I would need/like, but you can't register for a couch. And it seems like you can't ask for straight cash, although, I imagine that's what everyone really wants and what I usually give (along with a little something personal).

So if you just said, "Hey, we love these stores" without registering for specific crap...is that OK? Offensive in anyway?

It's weird, because I realize registries are helpful, but I don't want to ask for new place settings I don't need just to avoid irritating people. It's a waste for everyone. But maybe unavoidable.

uh... seriously? a gift is the entry fee to a being part of the union of a couple? time to re-evaluate priorities!

that said, yes, a gift is appropriate. but this equating it to cover my "costs" to attend the party that they have chosen to throw and invite me to? bleh. sad. don't invite me.

Hey, I want to get you something for [Christmas, your birthday, your house warming], but I'm stumped. Any suggestions? Would you like [x, y, z]?

Oh, you don't need to get me anything.

But I want to get you something.

Don't worry about it.

Gah! Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than that conversation? If I want to get you a gift for a special occasion, it's not tacky to point me in the right direction.

Of course there are always going to be people who lack social grace and pull tacky stunts -- the cheapest item they register for is $300, she invites people to her bridal shower but not the wedding -- but I like to think of those people as the exception, not the rule. So when someone says that all registries are tacky, I can't help but think that maybe it's just that everyone they know is tacky, and what does that say about them?

I think registries and showers are an outdated aspect of our culture that just need to go away at this point. If you don't know someone well enough to know what they might like or need, why are you expected to give them a wedding gift? Weddings should be about celebrating the couple's commitment, not rampant commercialism.

Showers and wedding gifts made sense back when it was expected that everyone in a small community would at some point be getting married, thus what went around would come around. With more and more people deciding to stay single or delay marriage until well after they've moved out of their parents' houses, IMO this is no longer needed. If you're an adult who already lives on your own, you don't need someone to buy you nice stuff just because you're getting married. As a single person, no one's going to do that for me, and while I am certainly happy to buy a small gift for close friends on such occasions, I resent being expected to do it for acquaintances. Maybe people should stop throwing such extravagant weddings and save some of that money they're spending on flowers and a dress that will never be worn again and spend it instead on nice things for their new shared home.

@ScuttledCuttle "I resent being expected to do it for acquaintances."
Then why are you going to the wedding?

I agree with you, though, that all the gift-giving works best in a community where what goes around comes around.

@SCGobble & @pearmelon- I'm afraid there's been a miscommunication. It would never occur to me to 'use gift-giving as some sort of passive aggressive lesson to the couple' because, well, that would be a terrible way to live. Though I'm sure there are some couples who ONLY want gifts from their registries- no exceptions!- I think that the situation for most couples is more complex. Several commenters have mentioned that they created registries at the request/demand of their families, for example.

If I'm invited to a wedding, the couple inviting me probably likes me, and maybe even likes my style, taste, & worldview, and won't be surprised or appalled to receive a hand picked gift from me. They might even be pleased to receive it, and perusing their registry helps me handpick more considerately. Did they register for & receive an espresso machine? Maybe I'll buy them a monthly gift subscription to my favorite SF coffee roaster. I look over registries and then buy/make personal gifts in an attempt to be a better guest/friend, no other reason.

Amen ScuttledCuttle. I'm not buying a good friend a 35 dollar spatula, especially since I KNOW SHE HAS ONE! I'm happy giving a gift of cash. I just think a lot of my friends (get it - I'm not stereotyping everyone, I'm limiting this to my circle of friends) have registered for things they already had, and then junked all their perfectly good stuff. It's just greedy and wasteful. And for those that say their family MADE them do it, what they can't give you a gift of cash if they don't know what to get you? I can't even imagine right now going through a Target or other big box store and picking out things that I "need". I'm managing to get by day to day with what I have, and when I want an upgrade, or something new, I save my pennies and buy it for myself. I'm not sitting around waiting for my wedding.

One good thing about registries...it says a lot about the registrants. Good way to realize exactly how mercenary they are (or not) and how much they think their guests can afford (or not.) Personally, I ignore them. A gift is just a symbol of love, not a checkbox item off a list. I'm confident enough of my ability to select a gift that's appropriate, and if anyone feels disrespected, that's their problem.

I think registries can be a good thing, since your taste may not agree with the gift recipient. And I have a strict policy of only attending weddings etc of close friends and relatives.

However, I have received several invites to showers for various life events(baby, wedding, graduation etc) where CASH was stated as being the only acceptable gift. These I decline, and not always politely.

@emilyryz My family members gave me registry gifts (at my shower which they insisted on throwing for me) AND cash (at my wedding). I think it's an Italian-American thing.

Everyone needs to get on board the money train!

Remembering our registry (the wife and I got married a year ago yesterday) I find that the one thing I would do over is to think less about the now and more about the future. We registered for a few items that were great in our apartment but now are kind of pointless.

I do expect to love my Cuisinart for years to come, though. ;)

(posted too quickly) And I think any second weddings and people over, say, 45 getting married should say no gifts or contribute to charity or something.

@sciue - I don't very often, actually. There have been a few times when coworkers have invited the whole department, so there was additional pressure there to go, but at least then we could all chip in for a gift card and call it that. Other times they obviously have money to throw around and invite a TON of people, and in those cases I figure I'll go and my gift will be to hug them, wish them well, and not partake of the open bar.

Part of my resentment also stems from watching my mother buy so many gifts for members of her church - baby gift for her friends, then a wedding gift when those kids grow up and get married, and now baby gifts for the kids of those kids - and feel like she can't opt out of that social obligation, yet as none of her own children are married or have kids she's doing a lot of giving and no one ever does the same for her. I mostly wish that social pressure wasn't on people in this way, as it makes them feel badly when they don't give but taken advantage of when they do. You just can't win.

I can sort of see both sides of the discussion. As a guest of countless weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, and anniversary celebrations- a registry is invaluable. It tells me not only what you already have (what has already been bought, so I don't overlap), but it also gives me insight into your style, so if I can't afford (or don't want to buy) what's left on your registry, I can get you something similar in style that perhaps the store didn't have, but that you will love anyway.

As a bride-to-be, I had to be encouraged by the store consultant to put EVERYTHING I wanted on the registry, regardless of price. Some people will go for the expensive things, and some will go for the cheaper things. So it is good to have a variety of things on your list, even if its things you can easily go out and get yourself. Its YOUR day. Let us bring the stuff to you.

On a side note, my experience at my local Sears was very disappointing (selection-wise, not with the people), so I did end up registering somewhere else and am very pleased with the new registry.

Not really speaking to registries, but I do think it's kind of funny when people insist that if you're inviting people to your wedding who don't know your taste, you must be inviting randoms just to grab gifts. I'm pretty sure everyone has multiple family members who they love dearly who have bought them some wildly inappropriate gifts in the past. The sort of gifts where it takes every fiber of your being to school your features and act happy about receiving said gift because your nana is obviously so excited to give it to you. Or your mom who knows you like x and y, so a thing that incorporates x and y together on an oversized, violently pink mug must be the best thing ever for you. And it comes with a matching tin! It's in my cupboard, mocking me when I make tea. Sigh.

Second this!! In 2010-2011 I went to no fewer than NINE baby showers! My standard gift, ever since I was 19 and my friends started having babies, is a huge package of size 3 diapers (they grow out of newborn stuff so fast), a big pack of wipes, and sometimes a 6 month or 9 month outfit (trying to guess the season that the kid will be big enough to wear the outfit and choose appropriately for the weather is kind of a fun challenge) or pack of washcloths.

So many people have written in their thank you cards or emails that nobody else thought to give them diapers (a couple of the people a few years ago put diapers on their registries, finally) but that it was such a useful gift, and one that is far more likely to be used than another frilly newborn dress that the baby will outgrow before she has a chance to wear it.

Yes, there has been a miscommunication. All I wanted to say was, "if in doubt, be guided by the couple's wishes", whether that's registry gifts, cash or nothing. That's all.

every couple should have the wedding they want to have and the gifts that they want. i only get annoyed when i see registries for people who obviously don't cook, and it's all kitchen stuff. having just gotten married, it is very annoying when people get things that aren't on your registry. I wanted every single thing on my registry, not an item that I already have in a different version that is impossible to return. that said, i have a big rule for registry shopping, I never buy a couple anything that's plastic.

And now that I've calmed down, I'll write a more rational response. I'm 33, I own a condo, and I eat of nice plates and have decent pots and pans. If I were to be married and someone insisted on throwing me a shower, I would in turn insist that it be a fun get together with my friends (I have very little family apart from my immediate parents and sibling) and enforce a NO GIFT policy. I would not have a registry. I'd probably pick a charity and suggest that people donate to it, and if you want to get me a gift whether it be an object or cash, then that is fine. I appreciate all gifts, even if it is not my taste, or something I really needed, as it is the thought that ultimately counts.

If you want to do something else, go to town. And I did have friends get married straight out of college, and they didn't have plates or pots and pans, and I'm HAPPY, OVERJOYED to get you those gifts, but I will not contribute to your wastefulness because you have a kitchenaid mixer but you want a brand new one in a new color. I get to choose what kind of gift I want to give. It is a gift. I will give you a lovely gift of cash. And yes, I realize that you may buy that new kitchenaid mixer with my gift, but then it's on your conscience rather than mine. And I only go to showers of very close friends. And mostly because they don't end up being like a traditional shower, but instead a good excuse to get together with good friends.

I'm all for baby showers and giving gifts then...if it's the first baby. Then the parents or parent needs these things to bring another life into the world...and some gifts are a need, and some are just fun to have. But wedding gifts and showers? What's the percentage of young people that get married and move directly from their parents house where they own nothing but some clothes into their married house? The vast majority of married people have already lived on their own and had the opportunity to accumulate items they need to set up house. It's antiquated to think a young woman, in her early 30's, with a post graduate degree, owns her own home, needs friends and family members to buy her dishes so she has something to eat off. That's why I buy a croquet set...most likely they don't have one but it's something that sure is fun to have.

My comment was in response to @Tess of Mryna May

In my particular area and social circle, most couples I know have gotten married relatively young (just finishing university) and many haven't lived together first. Registries are a useful way to know if they really need ice cube trays and towels, or if they've both been living on their own for a few years and only need a few more permanent items

I'd much, much rather give a gift off a registry than something I'm unsure they will like. And I'm just fine seeing it in the supplemental materials (e.g. with the directions and maps) rather than searching a ton of websites to try and pull theirs up.

Ditto!

Reminds me of the "Sex & the City" episode "A Women's Right to Shoes" where Carrie tallies everything she's spent on the wedding/showers/birthdays, yet there's nothing for singles but judgement. My friend loved that episode & pointed out how the tradition of showers/wedding gifts has not caught up with economic changes. Since women have entered in the workforce (particularly since 1980), folks getting hitched (often after shacking up for years) have two incomes. She feels that since they've found love & have two incomes, they should be in the mood to be giving gifts. Interesting thought.

Ha, I like that! Weddings should be more like hobbit birthdays ;)

If you're going the traditional route, then of course registries are useful! Heck, why not?

The question, IMO, is do you WANT to go the traditional route? Weddings nowadays are so ridiculously expensive, no wonder you need gifts, to make up for all that excess!

And I'm with @Indig0: "Where's the registry for single people who also want a bunch of cool gifts? :)" Think about it: a couple shares the rent/mortgage, the household/garden/maintenance chores, the garbage bill, the car insurance (I had two cars for a while, and when I got rid of one, my insurance on the other went up to MORE than what I was paying for two!); the property taxes, AAA (yes, married couples have to pay for each person, but the second gets a significant discount); when you travel, and pay $100+ for a motel room, that's divided between two people, it's not the price for one; it's way cheaper to buy food for two than for one, more food goes bad in the latter case; and of course couples get discounts on income taxes that singles don't. Vacation package deals are always based on double occupancy, so a single person has to find someone they don't mind sharing the room with. I could go on and on, ad INFINITUM.

So yeah, where's the shower to help me get on my feet and furnish my home? It's in the imagination, that's where it is, and where it will stay until this society realizes that gay couples are not the only ones being discriminated against by the outdated institution of marriage!

I'm not going to try to spend enough $ on the gift to cover whatever I'm guessing they spent on my meal. That's insane. I have wealthy friends who don't expect me to put myself into debt in order to honor them in some way. I think a registry can be really helpful. For instance,I love my niece and nephew, but hadn't been able to visit their home and know their taste, so I could get a glimpse of their taste through their choices on the registry. I gave them a gift from their registry that I know they use and enjoy.

Couples should do what they want, spending what they can afford and guests should do what they want and can afford, too. End of story. This includes declining an invitation and feeling very holier-than-thou if these responses are any indication of the norm!

What if we thought that everyone had the best of intentions?

That's the thing, it really seems like you offend someone no matter what you do.

All I know, is that after the thousands upon thousands of dollars I have spent on other people's weddings, no way I would out and out refuse gifts. If someone is really that stumped on something personal I would like, I don't get why money or a gift card is an issue. Like...why isn't that understood? You want to give me something? Give it! If you don't? Don't! Would like to, but have no ideas of your own? Money! Why does this need to be explicitly stated?

I know this is about registries but I really love that cooking utensil organization in the corresponding photo on the walls. Excuse me as I show you how advertising works by clicking on Brook Farm link.

As for registries, I'm boring. We give money as a wedding gift and then I make a personalized card.

I think wedding registries are fine and even helpful. Everybody likes getting gifts and I actually like buying them, so it seems logical. I'm not a big fan of wedding showers though - I always feel like the only purpose of a wedding shower is to squeeze a second gift out of people. It just seems outdated, now that couples usually already have at least the basics (if they are truly just moving in together, I absolutely understand having a shower). Plus, I just don't want to spend a Sunday watching somebody unwrap gift after gift after gift after gift.
I do get offended if it is obvious that the couple is using the wedding as an opportunity to "upgrade" all of their stuff or to get an extra inflow of cash. Please don't expect me to help you pay for your honeymoon in Bora-Bora or your $10K wedding dress. If you already have everything, you should take the high road and collect money for your favorite charity. Or get creative and ask everybody for something personal - a favorite picture to add to your wedding album (so you can have a nice picture of everybody in your album), their favorite book to read on your honeymoon, their favorite CD to listen to, their favorite recipe....
An interesting "registry" my mother came up with was for my father's retirement/65th b-day party. She knew there would be a lot of people at the party who only knew him through work and she knew most people would insist on bringing something so she created a "registry" at his favorite liquor store.

I think wedding registries are fine and even helpful. Everybody likes getting gifts and I actually like buying them, so it seems logical. I'm not a big fan of wedding showers though - I always feel like the only purpose of a wedding shower is to squeeze a second gift out of people. It just seems outdated, now that couples usually already have at least the basics (if they are truly just moving in together, I absolutely understand having a shower). Plus, I just don't want to spend a Sunday watching somebody unwrap gift after gift after gift after gift.
I do get offended if it is obvious that the couple is using the wedding as an opportunity to "upgrade" all of their stuff or to get an extra inflow of cash. Please don't expect me to help you pay for your honeymoon in Bora-Bora or your $10K wedding dress. If you already have everything, you should take the high road and collect money for your favorite charity. Or get creative and ask everybody for something personal - a favorite picture to add to your wedding album (so you can have a nice picture of everybody in your album), their favorite book to read on your honeymoon, their favorite CD to listen to, their favorite recipe....
An interesting "registry" my mother came up with was for my father's retirement/65th b-day party. She knew there would be a lot of people at the party who only knew him through work and she knew most people would insist on bringing something so she created a "registry" at his favorite liquor store.

I've lived on my own for 10 years and managed to set up my home without begging for presents from families and friends. I have a standard gift I give at all weddings. Saves me a lot of hassle. If they don't like it, they can kiss my fat, white a**.

I love the idea of a croquet set.... I might even copy it!

Back in the 80s, I had a stint as a wedding gift-registry consultant. We helped couples pick out their china, silver & crystal patterns. There were no spatulas or appliances listed. Occasionally some fine linens and bath towels were listed. Very old school. Do couples even WANT fine china anymore? Anyway, it was almost like pre-marital therapy for some couples to learn how to compromise and come to a consensus together. It seemed mostly the parents' friends and older relatives who purchased place settings.

It's highly entertaining sometimes to go through what couples put on gift registries nowadays! Now that I'm older and getting invited to my friends' kids' weddings, it IS nice to get an idea of what they like. I have more disposable income now than when I was attending my own friends' weddings, and it's kind of awesome to be able to give a lovely gift to a young couple that you know they'll really appreciate for years to come. It has nothing to do with reciprocating the cost of attending the reception. Sometimes I can't even attend. Honestly it's often a way to honor the parents.

Had to go to a co-worker's wedding a couple of weeks ago (there's only half a dozen of us, so my absence would have been noticeable).. I was glad she had a registry, so that I could zip thru Target & buy her a cutting board I'll know she'll use. That said, I spent quite a bit of the (interminable) waiting time at the wedding thinking that she could have spent all the money she spent on the wedding buying herself the stuff she wanted, & had infinitly less stress. And less debt.
But then, I've never been married.

I think it'll be interesting to see how registries evolve or even disappear as time goes on. For certain generations, registries, I believe, are expected and mostly appreciated. I think some people, especially older people, feel lost if told there is no registry. As those generations die off, perhaps so will traditional registries.
I don't have a problem with a registry that has a fair amount of restraint. No $500 items. Don't get things you know you won't use, like a fine china set for 16 if you never even use your dining room. Stick to household items. No paying for the honeymoon or saying "cash only." My now brother-in-law knew nothing about registries and initially went crazy, signing up for items like a new bike and, no joke, a video game system. My sister, fortunately, educated him a bit and took all that stuff down. She was pretty mortified.
I will say, however, that when I was in my mid-20s, a time when you are apt to go to a lot of weddings, I was also in graduate school and dead broke. I have to admit being resentful feeling obligated to buy a gift for a couple who made way more money than I did. Maybe that's not fair but that's how I felt. So if you're already loaded, please forgo the registry altogether.

Actually, you can put anything from any site on your Amazon wish list now. I mostly use that feature to keep track of things I see that I know I want later on, but am not sure I'll remember where I saw them.

Hmm. Seems like some people here are somewhat bitter about all things wedding-related. But re registries, here're my two cents. If I know the couple well, I generally buy off-registry, especially when I know the registries are sort of intended for less close friends/relatives. I travel a lot for my job, and I enjoy shopping wherever I am for upcoming events. I almost never worry about matching prices, though I'm young and cash-strapped so it's unlikely that anyone's getting anything really expensive in any case.

I definitely don't think that the point of a wedding gift (from the registry or otherwise) is intended to be a way of "making up" for what the couple has spent on their wedding....but then again, I don't think I know too many couples who would ever think that way either. I love my friends and family, it's generally a joy to attend their events, and I hope that the gifts I give are ones that they'll use and value. And when I go to events for people I know less well, I don't mind having a registry around, at least for guidance.

Chiming in as a member of my workplace's Sunshine Committee (you know, those people who come around asking you to sign a card when the administrative assistant has back surgery): registries are really helpful when a group of people want to chip in on a big-ticket item that they can be sure the recipient(s) will like and use! We usually collect about $100 to put towards a gift for a colleague's wedding or new baby (at a rate of about $5 per person--nobody's breaking the bank here), and it's good to know that $100 will go towards our coworker's chosen food processor or preferred set of cloth diaper covers instead of towards some item we can't be sure s/he will want.

As for being on the receiving end of those presents, we had two registries for our wedding: one for conventional gifts, for those who enjoy that sort of thing (mostly cooking gear priced between $20 and $150 apiece, with plenty hovering at that $40-60 sweet spot) and a charity registry (our guests contributed over $1,000 to support marriage equality!) We were grateful to receive gifts from either registry, and we were thrilled to receive personal, well-chosen, heartfelt (and often homemade) gifts, but the presents that made us a little sad were the ones that clearly cost the gift-giver a lot but were pretty much wasted on us (a Steuben vase? Heavily-tasseled brocade towel sets? A silver hors d'oeuvres platter? All either collecting dust or donated to a charity shop.)

I'm not a fan of the expectation from either end that the gift should cover the amount spent on the wedding. I spent what I could afford on my wedding, and mostly wanted the people I invited to be there. I was more thrilled that people came to share the day with me, than what gift they bought. When I go to a wedding, I get something I can afford and that I think the couple will want. I often go off of the registry so I know it's something they like and will use and not just "clutter." However, if it is someone I'm very close to, I try to find something special or personalize the gift in some way.
For babies, I just want to get them something they need. Everyone loves buying teeny-tiny clothes, and babies grow so fast, I tend to skip them. I either go with the registry, or a genius, most-new-parents-don't-think-of-it item.
We were told to put some pricey things on our registry, as a grandparent wanted to get us something really nice for our wedding. We put a couple of big-ticket items on. Said grandparent didn't get us anything. We got a lot of hassle from people judging us for putting a fridge on our registry. So, my lesson learned was not to put something on because someone tells you you should. On the other hand, I was blown away by the generosity of some of our friends and family. Friends who were broke and in college, managed to travel to our wedding. That was more than enough for us, and yet they still gave us gifts on top of that.
So, if you want a registry, have one. If you don't, fine. If it's not something you really want, don't feel like you have to register for it. If you do really want it, go ahead. You never know if someone really wants to get you that fancy china. Regardless of what anyone gives you or doesn't give you, or asks for or doesn't ask for, odds are they're not doing it to tick you off.

I've received TWO wedding invites within the span of a month which basically said that the bride and groom already had everything they needed for their home (in other words, we don't want to risk getting gifts we don't like). In lieu of gift registry they included their wedding websites which gave me the option to contribute to their honeymoon (i.e. European vacation) registry. I could contribute fifty dollar increments to an intimate dinner in Paris, or cocktails in Cannes, or a couples massage in Istanbul!! And of course airfare (assuming not coach). I didn't register for gifts when I was married 30 years ago, and I did receive items I would not have chosen myself. But I often think of the giver even now, which can't be said for a donation to a holiday abroad.

BruceS63, maybe the way couples handle registries has changed? My husband (of three years) and I mostly registered for mid-level quality (read: economical, but pleasing to us) items that we would actually use. Almost everything we received from our registries gets used on a regular basis. Of course, we're a minority because we started from scratch, instead of combining two households. Most of the things we store in attic, unused, are things that people bought trying to be thoughtful (which I do appreciate) but don't match our tastes or space.

We recently went to a bridal shower where the requests were for food to be donated to a local food bank. It was an unbelievable amount of food, the bride was in tears over the generosity of the guests. Some of us helped her take everything over to the food bank (four mini-vans packed to the gills) and it was truly memorable for her.

She just felt that with all her happiness she wanted to provide for those who weren't doing so well. It sounds "do-goody" as I type this, but it was a really special day.

Wow.

I *completely* disagree with so many of these comments.

1. Buying a gift that is not on the registry is passive aggressive: What the...? Let's get this straight: A gift is a gift. It's freely chosen and freely given. A registry is NOT a closed category of 'acceptable' gifts, merely a list of suggestions. As a guest, I can buy you whatever I damn well like, and if you want to construe it as a passive aggressive message, that says more about you than it does about me.

2. Weddings are expensive, so your gift/cash donation should reflect that: Again, nope. Weddings are not expensive; you can go to the courthouse and get it done for peanuts. The bride and groom freely *chose* to get married in a certain style. Why do I (the guest) have to stump up an 'equivalent' amount in gifts?? The fact that they chose a $150 a plate wedding dinner doesn't make me magically have $150 to spend on their gift. I'm not required to pay for their choices, and I'd be just as happy to eat a $25 a head buffet. (Thankfully, none of my friends think this way.)

3. Baby showers are to help new parents get set up with necessities for the baby: Just no. This may be US thing (I'm Australian), but no way. If the couple is very young, I can maybe see it. Otherwise, you (and, at a pinch, your extended family) pay for your own life choices. I don't want to even *see* a registry for a baby shower; I want to pick out the fun, cute stuff, like soft toys. Buy your own diapers.

Sorry if this all sounds harsh, and no, I don't resent going to weddings, and yes, I do love my friends. But most of the comments on here sound plain GREEDY. Registries and showers are for people getting married straight out of school/college and setting up their first home together, if that.

tl;dr: A gift is a gift is a gift. The GIVER gets to decide what it is. Period.

After throwing a huge bash of a queer wedding in San Francisco (not the easiest town to do a budget DIY alternative wedding and with half of our guests flying in for the festivities) we were very happy with our honeymoon registry on Honeyfund.org.

We paid around $20 to set up the website, we created very specific "gifts" based on the activities we planned to do and broke it all down into amounts from $5 - $50 for everything from lunch at a street food vendor, to admissions fee to sugar load mountain, to glasses of champagne on the plane, to money for our visas. It was linked on our wedding invitations & website. Guests who wanted to gift (its never mandatory in my opinion) "bought" it by signing up for it, but all they're really doing is printing out a page of what they are gifting and taping cash or a check on the page - voila! instant card! Cash in hand means the website isn't taking a cut and it does feed the cultural desire to "pick out the perfect gift." There was also a gift for "donate to your favorite charity" and a gift to "bring your recently pickled beets," we knew our guests well enough to gear many items to certain guests who we knew wanted to gift and would feel special knowing we'd put the effort in to create a funny, unique gift, plus it packs well in a suitcase for out of town loved ones. We were also in a pinch towards the end of the planning and added some "come help us decorate" & "drive my grandparents to fisherman's wharf" gifts, which a lot of our local friends loved. And if it came down to it since it was all cash gifting, it would have allowed us to change plans and put it towards whatever was needed most at the time.

The best part was collecting postcards from the honeymoon at all of the adventures & experiences we'd received to mail back as thank you cards.

Ah registries, I remember those. In Australia the "wishing well" has taken over, basically a euphemism for "just give us cash". The last 6 weddings I have been to have all included a little poem with the invitation which politely spells out that cash is the gift of choice, with no gift registry details so the choice is to give cash or risk a gift that is unwanted. They even set up a little wooden well at the reception to collect! Personally I prefer registries, at least I get to choose an actual gift. Wishing wells are obnoxious!

@Vargasgirl: What a great idea!

@Charlie26: Yes, a gift is a gift, but surely the sentiment behind it should be to show your affection for the recipient? Of course the giver gets to choose the gift, and if you know the couple well enough, then go ahead and ignore the registry. But if the couple have indicated their preference and you choose to ignore that because "As a guest, I can buy you whatever I damn well like", what does that say about your intentions? And I'm sure that most couples are not expecting their guests to cover the costs if they choose to have an expensive bash, but if you suspect that's the case, then you can simply decline the invitation and spare yourself the gift giving conundrum.

Surely whether the registry is useful or not totally depends on your relationship with the couple marrying? Weddings are expensive, so if I feel I've been invited out of a sense of duty and they're trying to make it big enough to break even on the gift front, I politely decline and send a 'congrats' card and possibly a bottle of champagne. I only accept invites to the weddings of people I love and then I'll buy from the registry if that makes sense for the couple involved, or ignore the registry if I think I can surprise them with something more personal and thoughtful. I don't like the cash or travel voucher model so much as it feels like your good wishes disappear into a seamless wad of anonymous cash, but if that's what they need, not my place to complain and I'll go along with it. Not many people I love do this interestingly.....

I eloped and threw a party later where I stressed NO GIFTS as there is simply nothing we need or wanted. Some people brought us small, funny or poignant gifts anyway which was great and I treasure many of them; others didn't bring anything - as requested - and that was totally cool.

The bottom line is, if you're feeling that resentful about someone else's wedding plans, registry or any other detail, it's probably best just to politely decline rather than turn up feeling exploited and bitter.

We're getting married in two years and already people have given us engagement gifts, despite my protests to the contrary! I am not having a traditional bridal shower. IF (IF!) I have one at all, it is going to be a no gifts fun brunch at my house with all my favorite ladies. And, on a different note, no bachelor/bachelorette parties - just a nice cocktail party TOGETHER with all of our favorite friends. Probably at our house, which is perfect for parties.

My betrothed and I have lived together for three years now and hardly need anything. We could really use some new towels and bedding (ours are hand-me-downs and falling apart), but other than a new dining room table, a sewing table for me, and bookshelves, we don't really need anything! I am going to register for nice china, and put in requests for more vintage Currier & Ives dishes (which we eat off of), since I'm short on soup bowls and salad plates. Other than a few cast iron pots and some upgraded utensils, I need nothing in the kitchen. And my betrothed wants to register for Craftsman tools - he's aspiring to his dad's garage full of tools. I promised him he could.

I like the food pantry idea, but I think I will ask people to donate cash instead. Then food banks/pantries can buy the things that don't get donated, like perishable items like fresh produce and meat. Plus, I'm such a foodie, it would be fitting.

I always buy off the registry. The point is to get them something that they want, need, and will use, not to show off my gift-giving prowess or excellent (cough) taste. I don't think it's tacky at all.

If the bride registered for a simple white ceramic teapot but got a bright red one instead, she might be disappointed. What if she has a thing for simple, white tea sets? Or has a white color scheme going on, or wants to have one? Or hates the color red, or already has a red teapot? Seems much simpler and kinder to get the one they asked for.

I might throw in a smaller, personal gift on the side, too, for people I know well. But that's more of a "cherry on top," and usually something everyday-practical or consumable, not something permanent or the sort of thing you'd register for.

The last two weedings I attended, the newlyweds simply asked for us to cover for our dinner (very reasonnable, too, around $40 a head) and one couple even made a donation to charity ($5 per guest) in lieu of giving us the typical 'thank you' gifts. I thought that was very clever and quite reasonable.

I just got married almost 2 weeks ago. Making a registry was just part of the 'to do' list and with a very traditional mom, I was lucky enough not to be required to put china and crystal on it. Our house is too small to fit the things we will actually use...My new husband and I are in the new minority of starting from scratch. I lived in an apartment on my own for a year (otherwise the roommate had everything) but don't cook so a pot and a pan and $30 utensil set from target was all I had. And a nice kettle. Between my apartment and the wedding, I had moved back in with my parents. Kyle came from a long, 'lived together' relationship but she took most of the stuff. We bought a house together before the wedding and besides a bed and my bff's hand me down couches, it was empty.

We are SO THANKFUL for nice sheets and towels and matching kitchen utensils and appliances that are our taste and colour options. And on a personal note, it has helped me with this huge transition of house and marriage into grown up land (we're both in our late 20's but after 2 degrees in university its a big jump :) ).

We were careful not to register for all expensive but did let loose and chose some indulgent items for those who like to do that. Also - I'm Canadien and he's American so we did register at 2 stores: one in each country for each side of the family. I've noticed lots of couples register at 2 or 3 stores, but I felt this was a great way to register at more than one store and not seem greedy or too excited to be registering. It just made sense. New Hubby also works at a store that we couldn't register at but need several items from (vacuum, microwave, etc) so we did find a way to ask for gift cards politely and that seemed to be a hit.

I eloped twice--once at 20 and again at 35. Both times I had an informal party for family and close friends afterward (no showers). Both times, most of my family and friends were extremely generous with cash gifts (I believe in part to make up for no shower), but I noticed a trend the second time: Unmarried people close to my age were the most likely to give no gift, complain and be judgmental about a second marriage (I had been single for over 10 years at the time).

When I had a baby at 37, I could have used the shower--I was on bed rest and lost my job--it would have been nice to have something to boost my spirits. I opted not to have one, however, and only bought what I absolutely needed. I don't regret this choice and some people still gave me gifts because they are just giver types. The ones who didn't are the indifferent or bitchy ones--I'm glad there was no formal party to shove it in my face.

I am a giver and always have been--and I think it has contributed to good money karma. I want to wish people well and participate in their big days--so I follow the registry or give cash. I am not wealthy and this seems about right. The people with more money are often the cheapskates in my experience.

SAME BOAT.... our mothers wanted a wedding, I was okay with a justice of the peace and a great honeymoon.... and now I'm frustratingly trying to plan this stuff out long distance, and broke.

I'm looking forward to seeing all of my friends and family meet my fiance's friends and family, having a big party to celebrate that we found each other, and I think a registry will be good for everyone, they don't know what my house looks like, or know that our dishes are from when my fiance was in college, or that our vacuum cleaner only *sort of* works... I'm looking forward to receiving things that are "OURS" and not castaways.

And I ALSO look forward to writing everyone thank you notes for taking the time out of their busy lives to wish us well and help make us a family and I will probably cry tears of gratitude the whole time.

The original post was very thoughtful and spot on, btw. Love all the comments it generated. Who knew this could be such a hot topic, sheesh!

Register if you want to, give whatever gift if you want to. Pretty simple stuff here people.

I always do cash or gift right off the registry. And, I never feel bad that it's somewhat impersonal - at least it's practical. (maybe I'm a realist?)

Honestly, I am NOT a fan of showers. A gift at the wedding, ok, I understand that. Showers are typically uncomfortable, stuffy affairs with multiple guests who have nothing in common but the bride-, mom-, divorcee-to be. You have stressed out brides, bridesmaids, mothers of the brides, moms' to be, grandmothers' to be, all because they want this perfect affair where people eat food and play silly games and then awkwardly watch the guest of honor open gifts. I have been in multiple weddings, attended countless showers, and obviously I always keep my opinions to myself and try to be as helpful, not awkward as possible...

BUT, I have flat out told my mother and friends that the only thing I want before a wedding is a kick-ass bachelorette party with my closest friends. Also, with no gifts. Just everyone having a good time. Experiences are far more important to me than objects.

Just wanted to point something else out that I didn't realize until I started planning my and other family members' weddings. If the couple are paying for their own wedding and are providing a meal and drinks, no way are they 'breaking even' on the accumulated gifts, unless their friends and family are wealthy or are coming from an some alternate traditions (e.g. Italian, Indian, Israeli weddings where everyone brings an envelope and richer/older people bring fat envelopes).

They're paying a big chunk of change out of their pocket to host you. They're doing it because they want to, because of family obligation, because so-and-so's feelings will be hurt unless they're invited, because if you invite some friend you've known for ten years it's only polite to invite their partner that you've only met once so that your friend can have a good time and know someone there, etc., etc, etc. There are many, many people at the average wedding who have been invited out of politeness or obligation. I have attended many weddings where I knew the bride and groom only slightly, because they're my partner's or family's connections. That's just how it is.

All this to say, don't worry, buying them a couple of crystal glasses off a Sears registry isn't going to fill up the huge hole THEY are putting in THEIR bank account to try and ensure YOU have an okay time.

I totally respect couples who run away and get married with a couple of other people present. Looking back, like I say, I wish I had done the same. I sort of got trapped in "should dos" based on family ties.

My husband and I were very careful with our gift registry to only put things we needed/would use on it. We have a very tiny apartment, and while we won't always live there, we felt like there was no point in asking for things that would sit in a closet because we just don't have the space for them. We've used every single thing that was on our registry (and we've only been married 4 months). Lots of people gave us gift cards, checks and cash which were also quite welcome. It's tough to hold yourself to the "Do I really need this?" standard when there are so many things you want, but I'm glad we did.

Presented without commentary:

“Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ― Alexander McCall Smith, Love Over Scotland

I would add one other thing, as a rule, I am not big on gift-giving. Probably because a lot of people I would buy for (cough, cough, Mom & Dad) are impossible TO buy for. Anyway, there are times that really do warrant a gift, ie a friend who lives halfway across the country helped me snag a new job. I am currently racking my brain for something thoughtful and appropriate to mail her as a HUGE thank you because I am truly grateful and want her to know how much I appreciate it. :)

I don't have a problem with gift registries and find them very useful *when it's appropriate*. I think it's very tacky to throw yourself random parties and setup a registry which implies people should give you gifts. Recently I heard of a "baby gender reveal party." Can you think of anything more ludicrous? Engagement party, wedding shower, bachelor party, bachelorette party, baby shower ... how many more me me me moments do you need?

ugh. That's so tacky!

A bridal or baby registry is fine, and traditional. Our local wedding gift store has the option to send a card (it is wrapped in a lovely box). The birde and groom can then bring in all their cards and sort out what they need. You send a card for two dinner plates, for example, if they get 15 dinner plates, they could use some of those cards for salad plates. That way they don't have to bring in all the actual items to switch around.

But I can't believe all the registries on other types of parties. A friend on Facebook recently took a poll about an invitations she saw for a housewarming party, thrown by the homeowners for themselves, that listed all the places they'd like gift cards from. That is inapproriate and tacky. New marriages, new babies I am happy to give a gift, I am not obligated to present tribute at every single milestone in your life.

@pearmelon: My 'intentions', when giving someone a gift, is to make them happy by giving them something I think they will like. Whether it's from the registry, off the registry, cash, handmade (don't worry, I actually don't do this, since I'm not good enough at making anything)...why else would I bother giving them one?

I enjoy choosing, wrapping and giving gifts. I enjoy attending weddings. But I despise the fact that some people seem to ascribe unpleasant motivations to guests who choose to go off-registry.

Luckily, none of my friends are like this.

Isn't that the point of this post - that a registry or other polite form of request (which you choose to interpret as GREEDY) avoids well-intentioned gifts that "I think they will like" being returned or kept out of a sense of duty or guilt?

Thanks for a meaningful contribution to this over wrought discussion. My only observation is that there are many couples who very much want to marry and are prohibited to do so in much of the world due solely to their orientation. Puts the registry/ gift giving "problem" in perspective,no?

As with everything, you can't please all of the people all of the time. Do what works for you, know there will be naysayers no matter what your choice is, and get on with life.

My solution is to not be friends with people who judge my friendship based on where I sourced my gifts, and also not be friends with people who would judge me for including information that some people may want with informational materials for my wedding/shower/whatever, even if they personally don't find the information useful. Luckily, I think most people aren't that douchey in either direction, but if they are they can have fun being judgemental arses outside of my circle of friends, and my events are probably way better without their condescension.

I'm going to post what I essentially said last week with a few additional comments.

I still think registering for gifts--especially wedding gifts--is tacky. My belief in this stems from my belief that too often nowadays, a wedding becomes all about the dress, the cake, the venue, the DJ, the gifts, the party. Yes, weddings should be a celebration. Yes, people should have a good time getting together and wishing the new couple well. But all too often I see people investing SO much energy into the wedding...energy that might be better spent on preparing for a life-long MARRIAGE.

Where did "gift registries" come from? They came from the same place that the "white dress," the "wedding planner," the tux rental, "wedding decoration stuff," etc, etc came from. They came from this idea that there was a whole "industry" to be created for companies to "cash in on" when someone gets married. (And I say this as a person who has a very strong belief in capitalism.) What a great way for companies to convince people to get out there and buy their products!!

The author of this post brings up the point that people who don't really know the couple might feel more comfortable using a registry. With the possible exception of some long-lost aunts and uncles, I have to wonder why people who don't know the couple well are being invited to the wedding in the first place? Again, I think this stems from the societal shift in focus from the MARRIAGE to the WEDDING. It's almost as if weddings have become a "show" for couples to demonstrate that they are "keeping up with the joneses," so to speak, and registering for all the "necessary" stuff is just another aspect of that. And, then, when the champagne is all drunk, and the gifts are unwrapped, those gadgets and gizmos that were SO NECESSARY to a happy "start" in life get stuck in a kitchen drawer or a closet, rarely to be used again.

In my opinion, a MUCH better option, if one is uncertain about what to gift, is cash. I have never, ever heard someone complain about getting cash. It is not "thoughtless" and it is not "impersonal." In fact, in the case of a wedding, giving cash gives a couple the opporunity to buy what they really need, when they really need it. Perhaps instead of buying a gajillion ultimately-useless gizmos, they will spend that money bonding on their honeymoon...or save it for a future downpayment on their first home together. The possibilities are endless when it comes to cash.

I realize that when people get married, have babies, etc, etc, they don't like to receive gifts that they don't need or, well, LIKE. But I think going to a store, scanning in a list of "stuff" you want people to buy you for your occasion, is just rude. Especially when you consider some of the ridiculously expensive stuff people PUT onto their registries.

I think the reason it bothers me so much is that including a "We're registered "here"" card into your invitation seems to be narcissistically proclaiming that you expect people to buy you stuff. The author claims that it isn't, and maybe she doesn't view it that way. But I know a whole lot of people who DO. I know that in our culture, it's generally assumed that if you go to a wedding or a baby shower, you will bring a gift, but being TOLD to do so (by including a cutsy little card about where the hosts have registered for gifts at) makes it seem like you're only invited to the event upon the condition that you, not only bring a gift, but bring the RIGHT gift.

Why can't people leave the registries alone, tell people, "Please come to our event" with no strings attached? If they bring gifts, great! If not, great! You'll be thankful for whatever you get (and if it's something you don't like, you can either exchange it, return it, or sell it on ebay after the fact). And most of all, you'll be thankful that they took the time out of their busy schedules to celebrate with you!

As a guest, I really like registries for many of the reasons that have been stated ad nauseum above. They're especially useful for weddings where travel is involved (either on my part or the couple's). There have been several times I've ordered a gift, had it shipped to their house with a nice note, printed a picture of said gift, and put it in a card to bring to the wedding. It was super easy for me to bring with me, and the couple didn't have to ship a gift home (in one case the wedding was in MD and the couple lived in OK, and in another the wedding was in PA and the couple lived in DC). I have also given gift cards to the store where the couple registered when the only items left on the registry were out of my price range. No, I can't afford to buy you the KitchenAid mixer you want on a grad student's salary (I can't even afford to buy myself one), but I can contribute to part of it.

If I were to ever get married, I would be torn on the registry. I have most of my house set up because I've lived on my own for years now. Yes, non-hand me down dishes would be nice, but really, I can buy them any time. I would probably create a registry for those who prefer it, but I would try to make it clear that gifts are not expected. I do actually have relatives who would be offended if I asked them not to get me a gift.

What generally bothers me about registries is what people put on them. The 1950s mindset about formal china and crazy expensive crystal has got to go, as does the perceived need for every electronic gadget under the sun. Hardly anyone does the kind of entertaining those items were intended for on a regular enough basis to warrant a set of $300 place settings. And I can't even count the number of people I know who own a panini maker that they have never used or used only once or twice. Seriously, people! If you're going to register, register for things you'll actually use in your real life, not the fantasy married grownup life most of us never live.

Anyone who would think less of me for using a registry is more than welcome to just not come to my event.

While I agree that registries should not be mentioned on the invitation, registries are not offensive at all. You are not forced to purchase something from the registry and no one forces you to go to the event. The registry simply takes the guess work out of gift giving. If anything, it is a convenience. Most people that are anti-registry and anti-gift are simply cheap or dealing with issues of financial insecurity. When invited to even a simple dinner party I bring a gift for the host/hostess so I would never, ever think of showing up to a wedding or shower without a gift nor would I ever dream of being cheap on someone's very special day. That is tacky. To attend someone's event with your hands swinging is the height of poor breeding.

While I agree that registries should not be mentioned on the invitation, registries are not offensive at all. You are not forced to purchase something from the registry and no one forces you to go to the event. The registry simply takes the guess work out of gift giving. If anything, it is a convenience. Most people that are anti-registry and anti-gift are simply cheap or dealing with issues of financial insecurity. When invited to even a simple dinner party I bring a gift for the host/hostess so I would never, ever think of showing up to a wedding or shower without a gift nor would I ever dream of being cheap on someone's very special day. That is tacky. To attend someone's event with your hands swinging is the height of poor breeding.