This is a little tricky. We give our kids (ages 6,5,4 and 3) a pep talk before holidays and birthdays. We talk again about even if it's not what you hoped for you need to be thankful you got a gift and saying thank you for each present received. They are learning and getting better each year.
As far as the gift cards, I would rather that my kids get a few dollars instead of a gift card for 2 reasons. First, I feel like people give a more appropriate amount (based on their ages) if it's cash. And second, we are trying to teach our kids the value of money. How to save it, to give and also choose how to spend it. Gift cards are harder to explain to young kids.

Good luck with teaching kids to be grateful. When I was a kid, I appreciated the things I purchased. In a way a gift card becomes their money, the item purchased may be more valued by the child. Children need to learn what things cost and how to manage the money. Buy the child a stocking stuffer with the gift card.

Bad gifts are how children develop a fondness for irony.

I don't know how my parents did it, but we were always very nice kids when it came to gifts. We would have never dreamed of saying that we didn't like something. Maybe it was because money was tight and we only received new stuff two times a year (Birthdays & Christmas). But, we knew better than to act as if we were anything but delighted.

Well... why should kids have to be made to cover up how they feel about something? They're people too, and they deserve the freedom to express themselves emotionally. There's a difference between teaching your children to empathize with people ("Aunt Sally bought you a gift, and she feels anxious to know whether you like it or not.") and bullying them into displaying the behavior you prefer ("Aunt Sally bought you this gift, and you WILL like it, mister!")

If you don't know the children well, or the parents won't take their own time to know the children well and explain to you what they'd like, gift cards are safe.

I wonder if your sister is just not good at thinking up wishlists.

When in doubt: books and craft supplies.

I'm a teacher, and I can say from experience that there are two gifts we really like.

1) A card with an appreciative note inside. Considering how much flack we take from unappreciative people, this is more valuable than many gifts. A good idea if you don't have a lot of money to spend.

2) If you do have money to spend, we really do like gift cards.

Oops! I was supposed to be replying to the teacher gift card thread. Sorry!

Because it's rude! It's a good skill to learn how to take others' feelings into account, and it's a good skill to learn a poker face. No one is saying that the kid needs to like it, but the kid needs to express gratitude for the time, energy, and thought that went into getting that gift--and realize that Christmas isn't just about gimme-gimme.

Children need to learn to show appreciation for every present given. Even if they would prefer something else, they need to learn to appreciate the thought and gesture behind it. It isn't bullying to tell children before a gift-giving event that while they may not like the gift they were given, they should still thank the giver and tell them that you appreciate it. It is called politeness and manners.

I love 37Rubydog's keen observation! I think I'll make a poster of it.

I think we all got gifts from relatives (mostly) and parents (rarely) that were not on our List to Santa. Gift cards force you to buy from a certain place, and kids have LOTS of places they want stuff from. That being said, a specific kid appropriate card packed with a treat would be nice, but after the gifter has asked the parents (we'll let the adults figure out the details).

I was always taught to be grateful for what I received (a lesson that goes far into adulthood), even if it wasn't what I wanted.

PS. Science has found out the method to selecting the perfect gift for someone: Ask them! Whether you can afford it is beside the point...

I agree w/Charlotte - Roots and Rafters: Telling a child he must like a gift to avoid hurting someones feeling is teaching him/her to lie. There is no reason why a child can't say "Gee, I appreciate the gift, but...
It's up to the parents to teach that to them. I've always told my nieces and nephews to be honest with me. Spending money on something they don't like and telling me they do like it is a huge waste of time and money and it's a LIE. I rather get them something they do like; $5.00 is still $5.00 if it's not being used.
As a suggestion, the arts and crafts idea is a good one but why not simply ask the children what they would like from Santa? Make sure to ask for several examples. When I asked my niece what she wanted, she told me a Monster Hight doll house. It's $100.00 and that's not gonna happen. So I bought her a Monster High dol @ $25.00. She collects them.

Is it possible that your sister isn't a thoughtless list-maker and instead is overwhelmed by the toys and STUFF that her kids have already? People often indulge children with THINGS and then ask them to be grateful.
My brother and sister-in-law always give experiences for their birthdays or Christmas which has been AMAZINGLY perfect for my kids... They usually provide some kind of gift card (movie tickets, pottery painting gift certificate, manicure gift card, etc) and they plan a day out with each of the kids to redeem it. Consider giving your time OR, if you aren't local, maybe a museum or zoo membership? They'll think of you every time they use it!

People in my family take my children out for a night of shopping to pick that perfect gift. It gives them a chance to bond with that family member while learning just how far a buck can (or can't) stretch. I've found it makes them more grateful for all the receive because it's put in perspective. They remember the time they spent more than anything else.

I think if you alter your perception on the purpose of gifts, you might find your problem easier to solve. Gifts are meant to be something you give to someone to show your appreciation of them, not because of obligation. If you ask for a list from your sister (although it is easier), you're missing the point, as is your sister who responds with the easy solution. Gift cards suggest that the gift was given out of obligation rather than thought. Giving presents isn't easy, and yes, you can do it wrong, but at least it shows thought and effort on your part. If nothing else, when a bad gift is given, it makes for a good opportunity to teach the 'accept graciously' lesson.

I'm not going to speak to the appreciation part -- that's basic manners, and that's on the parents.

As for gift cards, I have a 9-year-old, and what he wants these days tends to be more expensive -- electronics, sporting goods. The truth is that we don't need any more weird toys in the house. My MIL buys so much junk for my son, most of it is looked at once or twice, then ends up under the bed, and then in the donation box. She claims it's "cheap" (which it is), but that adds up -- especially since she's shipping it across the country. We'd much rather have a gift card for books, music, Target, craft store, etc. He enjoys shopping for those special gifts, and his thank-you notes reflect that. We always include a picture of the item he purchased with his gift card with the note. I've been doing gift cards for birthday parties for two years now, and it has gone over very well with both kids and parents. At a party last weekend, the boy received FIVE of the same toy (he was asked what he wanted, and almost everyone complied). Gift cards.

I'll never forget the Christmas I was 13 and really, really, really wanted a geologist's hammer and rock collecting bag but I got a huge Kissy doll instead. My parents were so happy watching me open the box, they thought they'd gotten me the perfect gift. It took only a couple of seconds to fake up some enthusiasm and a smile and to this day they never knew how disappointed I was. I've never regretted that moment. Now my mom gives her great-granddaughter money for Christmas but it's always in a card that comes with some little item like a puzzle or markers or craft supplies. Cash is better than a gift card in my opinion, it gives you a much larger range of possibilities.

I am totally in favor of teaching children to lie. Yes, you must fake enthusiasm when Great Aunt Susie gives you a hideous sweater she knitted herself. And when someone makes you a special dinner that contains your most dreaded vegetable, brussels sprouts, you had better suck it up and tell them how delicious everything is.
This is about empathy and recognizing that the world does not revolve around you and your little tastes and desires.
So sure, lie. (Also teach the truth that you can often return and regift unwanted items...it is all about practicality).
The only gift card I would ever give would be to a local bookstore. I think it is a great idea to let kids pick out their own books.

Gift Cards are good but they tend to be for a specific store usually and that is not always a good idea. Sometimes we can get lucky and find a gift that is perfect for a child, but then you have other relatives sometimes being jealous because they show a special feeling for your gift. ( I had this happen two years in a row with my 5 year old twin neices.)

However, when children get a bit older (8-9-10) then I find it is much better to give them a small token gift (candy, drawing stuff, a character t shirt) and some cash. Last year my nephew was excited when I gave him $10, because as he exclaimed to everyone he now only needed $5 more dollars to have enough money to buy a certain game for his nintendo ds. I found out later he had been saving birthday money, doing a few small jobs to earn the money for his own game.

He was not only showing appreciation for his gift, but also learning the value of money and how to save. So, yes, this year he will get money again.

I find my honest, picky sister very tiresome when she tells me right after opening it, "Thanks, but it really isn't my thing." no matter what I get her (even stuff from her list). I would appreciate a white lie about how much she likes it, and then if it happens to come up later an apologetic, "You know, I loved it but then I tried it on/put it in my house/whatever and it wasn't quite right. I was bummed, though, because it was so beautiful. It was so nice of you to get that for me."

What makes society work is not an attitude of being able to say whatever you want (but it's the truth!) but knowing that there is always a social context and gift giving is emotionally loaded. If you want to have your kids not to have friends, sure, teach them to always be brutally honest. I call it being a jerk.

When I was growing up one of my aunts gave me a fontanini nativity piece every year. Now my kids get to play with the set. One of the best gifts. I liked the idea someone mentioned about giving cash. I have a 5 year old and he is really getting the concept of money. It could be a great teaching tool.

I think a check to the parents to buy the child a gift is appropriate for when you are out of town and unable to buy something. But I agree, I think gift cards just teach the kind of irresponsibility credit cards teach adults.

Try asking your sister what her kids are into. What do they like, what are they doing in school, do they like sports, dance,etc. Gift giving is also a talent. My sister talked about my nieces favorite book falling apart. I'm replacing it. And because I can (I know not everyone can do this) I am making a costume to go with the book. She loves "I need my Monster." so the little monster is getting a monster costume. :) She's going to squeal!

There is a huge difference between lying and saying something nice to spare someones feelings. There is no reason to tell someone that their gift was a disappointment. It's just rude.

Children, especially young children, may have a hard time conceputalizing the value of a gift card. Unless there is something sepcific at the given store that they understand that they could acquire because of the card- it is difficult for them to see the value. If you don't know exactly what they want from the store, print of a few pictures of toys, books, etc. from the website and make a short catelog. That way the child can visualize what may be had from the card and thus be excited and thankful.

Also given all the hype around Christmas and the massive build-up it is easy for kids to be disappointed when the day actually arrives. There is a lot of emphasis on the presents and how happy children should be on Christmas. High expectations breed disappointment. It is hard to blame a 8 year old for not being thankful if they stongly feel that they didn't get what was promised. Setting expectations prior to the day of is very important.

I think it depends on the kid. My son has always gotten excited about books. So even at a young age of say 4, he would shake with excitement if he got a Barnes and Noble gift card. My relatives ask what the kids want, and I tell them a few different things to choose from. I have to say my kids are always excited for gift cards, and the chance to pick out just what they want. They go on a shopping trip, and add up how much these two things would be so they are using their math skills, yet feel like a big person using the card. The other gift card they love is movie theatre cards, since it's expensive to go. I always remind them that these cards were from Grammy when we use them. Often times they will call Grammy after the movie and thank her again.

I usually give the kids a stocking stuffer (a hat or socks or a small game) and cash. I do think children should be taught to show appreciation for any gift they receive whether they like it or not. Same goes for adults. Gratitude that someone thought of you and shopped for you is what is important here, not the actual object. People (including kids) who don't show gratitude don't get any more gifts from this Auntie.

Perhaps the real issue is that many children have not been raised to understand or value the true meaning of the holiday season. Even young children can benefit from giving service to others who are less fortunate than they.

We were just having this same conversation in my family the other day. My brother in law said that our nephews have loved the gift cards he's given them in the past because it's like a pretend credit card, something grown ups have but not kids. Just like playing house or groceries, they get to play "racking up debt." Obviously there are issues here, but I was still put at ease by the fact that they will at least be excited to receive these gifts if it's the direction we decide to go.

"Well... why should kids have to be made to cover up how they feel about something? They're people too, and they deserve the freedom to express themselves emotionally."

"Telling a child he must like a gift to avoid hurting someones feeling is teaching him/her to lie. There is no reason why a child can't say 'Gee, I appreciate the gift, but...'"

While I was skimming the responses these two statements absolutely amazed me. I truly believe that the people who have this mindset have good intentions, and in some instances, these points are completely valid. Children SHOULD certainly have the freedom to express their emotions. But there is a TIME and a PLACE to do that. Children need to learn that it ISN'T necessarily appropriate to express themselves whenever and whereever they want.

Also, in regards to "teaching children to lie." I don't believe any parent should do this. I didn't get the sense from any of the parents who posted responses that they would advocate "lying" per se. But what would be wrong with, "I appreciate the gift." Period. Children need to learn to appreciate what they have, regardless of how they feel about it. It is NOT all about them. I think adults get more joy out of giving gifts at Christmas, ESPECIALLY to kids, and this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to kids that the thought BEHIND the gift is what matters. It's NOT the time to tell kids, "Oh it's ok if you want to throw a tantrum because you didn't get what you want...as long as you're expressing honest feelings."

I am really surprised by a lot of these responses about not teaching the kid to "lie" and "expressing their emotions". There is lots of merit to these approaches, but you also want to teach the child how to appreciate other people's feelings and to understand that the world does not revolve around them, that they are not ENTITLED to get everything they ever want, ever, that they should be grateful and appreciate that another person valued them enough to give them a present. And last but not least, to have basic social skills that allow them to function in society as eventual adults. Learning how to deal with life's little challenges and situations in which they may not be pleased (eg. getting a gift you don't like) with politeness and grace is a very important skill, one that unfortunately not even very many adults have mastered.

If this is how we are raising our kids, we have no legs to stand on to complain about "entitled" millennials and other generations.

Jessica ND: AMEN

People say Christmas is about giving. I look all around me and I see that Christmas is about what you're given, especially for kids. It's about stress and budgeting for adults :/

I am really appalled about some of the comments here. Courtesy is an essential lubricant to civilized society. Children need to be taught to be courteous and that begins with being properly grateful and polite when they receive gifts.

There is a vast difference between 'lying' and showing common courtesy. Children are free to like or dislike whatever they want. At the same time they should be able to express pleasure at the kindness of the intention behind gift giving without being in any way required to lie.

Common courtesy seems to be not so common anymore.

I was dismayed at some of the comments too but feel reassured by reading some of the rebuttals. For my nieces - I try to get things that are relatively disposable (temp tattoos, activity books with stickers) so that their parents don't have to deal with too many abandoned toys that the kidlets are no longer interested in. As they get older - I plan to get experiential gifts. Tix to events where dear old Auntie comes along for the fun.

Personally, I like the individualized aspect of picking out gifts (and receiving them) but I realize that others don't do so well or enjoy that. Perhaps I am under the delusion that my gift selecting skillz are better than they are. Any gift should be appreciate no matter what - but I know that I appreciate the individually selected gift just a wee bit more.

Jessica ND and just_kazari got it right. We need to spend more time making sure our children are grateful members of society instead of fostering entitled "self-expression" around gift-giving.

6 and 9 year olds are old enough to express appreciation for gifts even if they don't care for the item. If my 6 year old was rude to someone for not giving her a gift she liked, I would tell the giver to take my daughter off their gift list. I think the gratitude needs to be taught and modeled by the parents and if it isn't then the child will get the message when you stop giving them gifts (especially if you explain why.)

In terms of gift cards, I would be inclined to give a specific experience instead. How about movie passes? A coupon to play miniature golf? Or a trip out to lunch or to a museum with you?

"I am totally in favor of teaching children to lie."

Encouraging children to lie will come to no good end. Learning to be gracious is a far, far cry from lying. It's a simple matter to express appreciation for a gift while remaining truthful. Teaching a child good manners is not difficult, it requires only patience. There's a time and a place to express one's disappointment with a gift....neither of which is in the presence of the giver (or in public at all, for that matter). This is best reserved for private times between parent and child...those *teachable moments* when it's an enlightening discussion and not a lecture which falls on deaf ears..

"I call it being a jerk."

As do I. The responsibility lies with the parents.

"Learning how to deal with life's little challenges and situations in which they may not be pleased (eg. getting a gift you don't like) with politeness and grace is a very important skill, one that unfortunately not even very many adults have mastered.

If this is how we are raising our kids, we have no legs to stand on to complain about "entitled" millennials and other generations."

Yes & amen.

First of all, if you buy a child a gift, even if they don't like it, they still need to say thank you. Period. That's all. Nothing more and nothing less. They don't have to lie and say they love it, but they need to thank the giver. Someone put the time, effort and thought into buying or making something special for the child and they need to learn to appreciate that, if not the gift itself. If I ever bought a kid a gift and they got upset and made a fuss over not liking it, you can be damn sure they will NEVER get another gift from me ever again. Secondly, I am a big proponent of cash or gift cards for Christmas, but what I do is fill a small stocking with little trinkets, candy and gadgets I've picked up during the course of the year, and add cash or a gift card to it. The reason is that these days, most kids get so much for Christmas that it's total sensory overload and nothing is special. With cash or a gift card, they can buy something as they need/want it over the course of the year. Maybe your sister is trying to keep the piles of gifts to a manageable level so the kids don't get overwhelmed. I've been doing the stocking, cash thing for quite a few years now and people actually look forward to them. I can't afford the several hundred dollar items my grown kids want, but I can find fun and useful things for stockings and they can use whatever cash I give them to put toward whatever they want. With young kids you can fill a stocking with candy, travel games, art and craft supplies, "magic" washcloths from the dollar store, puzzles, candy, etc. so they can get the thrill of discovery and then be able to get something cool after Christmas when it's half price!

To me, the best way to help a child understand what it's like to give a gift is to have them help choose gifts for their siblings, for the other parent, for a family secret santa if there is one, for their teacher, for the giving tree, etc.

And as far as things to do especially for the nieces/nephews set, I am all about experience presents. These can be dinner and a movie, a day fishing, lunch and skating downtown, a "fancy" orchestra concert, something like that. No, it's not as tangible, but it means you get to spend some time with your giftees. As a kid of about 8, getting to choose exactly what movie I saw, eat as much junk food I wanted at the movie theater...? Priceless.

Having been on the receiving end of truly awful and so thoughtless they were insulting gifts from relatives as a child, I do feel bad if a child dislikes a gift I have given them because it means I haven't done a good job as a gift giver. While I don't think a tantrum is appropriate, I understand kids emotions are at the forefront.
I always check with the parents first and try to figure out what they think their child will like. A gift isn't to make the giver happy, it is to make the child happy. It is up to the parents to teach their kids how to receive gifts gracefully.

My kids rarely receive gifts from anyone other than myself, (and I always know what they want) but they are always polite when they do. Saying thank-you for a gift doesn't require any lying.

i usually dislike giving gift cards, but for a child i like to give one to a store they love to go to, close in proximity to their home (for parents' sake, unless i'm able to bring them). in the past i've given cards to the paint-your-own-pottery place and made an afternoon of bringing them all at once, from 5 to 14 years old.
they also liked cards to McDonald's/Wendy's/ Sweet Frog/Baskin Robbins/Robeks, someplace i hesitate to bring them. i think it makes them feel proud to have their own "money" so i can't refuse the treats.

From about the age of 5, my nieces and nephews have viewed gift cards as cash. Cash that they can turn into whatever they want. Now that they are a bit older, in the 9-15 year old range, they ask for gift cards to specific stores, because they are saving up money for a specific expensive thing, usually electronics.

I used to feel that giving a gift card was a cop-out. I spend zero time or effort on that gift. But if you rate a gift by how much the recipient likes it, gift cards are probably the top gift to the younger members of my family.

However, I usually tuck the gift card into a book, because I am the Mean Aunt Who Thinks Everyone Should Read More Books. But the kids like me anyways.

I had a conversation with my 5 year old daughter about being grateful for both receiving gifts, and being able to give them as well. A while later she was driving me crazy and I said to her "you are going to give me a nervous breakdown". Her comment back "will you be grateful for that?".

When I was growing up,we had an elderly next door neighbor we called "Aunt Belle" who was a notoriously bad baker.One Christmas we were at her house(I was 6 or so) and being very hungry and a child,I ate 3 slices of a cake rather quickly before I realized I hated it.When she commented on my gluttony,her face lit up with pleasure when I politely said it was very good,and every year after that she made it a point to make me that cake for my present.It would have NEVER occured to me to hurt her feelings by saying how much I really disliked it,and her smile when I would make a production out of "My" cake was worth all of the nausea.Anyone,adult or child who acted ungrateful for a gift would never get another gift from me again.

This is a tricky subject because it also depends on the parents. Kids should always be taught to be grateful to receive a gift, regardless of what it is, and to say thank you. However, as an adult whose parents have rarely given good gifts but have still put a lot of thought into buying a gift, I'm honest enough as an adult to say to my parents "I appreciate the thought, but I don't really need more sweaters" because even if I did, they wouldn't get me one I liked or was the right size. The best gift so far has been gift cards. They're just not good at gift giving. As a child I knew to hide disappointment and be thankful. As an adult, I still hide disappointment but also try to stem the tide before I get another gift that is not at all my style.

Back to the original question: I think there's a benefit to a gift card, particularly if it's at an interesting store. When I got a gift card for Barnes & Noble, we probably didn't go there for weeks until after Christmas. So it was like another little Christmas in January. Then Blockbusters in February, then (etc) in March.

Iampeam suggested a great idea: rephrase the question. It’s much easier for your sister to answer “what are my niece and nephew into? What are they loving lately?” than “what do they want?” Her answer might indicate that specific gift cards are ideal (maybe one is saving up for something) or point you to a lovely gift idea.
To your larger question: I think that modeling gracious behavior goes a long way. Seeing adults behave well has made a greater impression on my own niece than being prompted to react in a certain way. While the parents are really responsible, this is something that you can do to maybe alter the dynamic. Good luck!

Pepper chuck- your comment made me laugh. Thank you!

And to all, the terrible gifts remind us all that it really is the thought that counts. How wonderful when someone wants to give you something. Kids should be gifted that perception.

No wonder kids have such a sense of entitlement these days. It makes perfect sense after reading done of these comments. Anyone, regardless of age, should be thankful to be thought of and given a gift, even if its not your taste.

My uncle is the exact type of tedious, tiresome person who would say, "Thanks but this is of no use to me," after receiving a gift and he's one of the most dreaded attendees at any gift-giving function.

I'm a schoolteacher, and a few years ago I began writing each of my 8th graders a "winter solstice card" along with a very small, token gift. (See how I, a science teacher covering the solar system, cleverly dodge the politically correct holiday conundrum!?) In each card, I say one nice thing that I appreciate about each kid. It's not always easy - some of the kids are very challenging - but sometimes the kids I struggle with the most are the ones who appreciate the cards the most. Last year, one very difficult boy was the only kid who stopped to really read his card - and then he made eye contact with me and said, "Thank you Ms. __." He needed the nice note more than any of the "easy" kids who got affirmation from their parents.

I'm not sure yet if the little cards have a giant impact on the kids... but the fundamental change is in me. When I have to search my memories to find the best qualities in a child, it sometimes transforms the way I look at the child, and makes my days simply better.

Might I suggest that outside of teaching "lying," asking children to find one or two nice things to say about each gift might teach them GRATITUDE? Like, say, "Wow, Aunt Millie! It must have taken you hours to knit this sweater! That's so thoughtful!" Or... "Uncle George, it's so nice that you thought of me when you traveled to San Francisco and bought this miniature Golden Gate Bridge pencil sharpener!"

My husband's niece and nephew ask for gift cards,and their parents have repeated that this is best, because it prevents unwanted gifts from piling up in the corner.
But I think a 12 year-old boy can be slightly guided, that it's ok for us to send things that reflect our contribution to his upbringing even slightly (I insist on slightly. Obviously I would like to take into consideration his likes & dislikes, his age, what kids are into these days) instead of just telling him to go buy whatever he would have bought anyhow, as we were perfectly superfluous to him, just suppliersof gift cards at certain times of the year. At age 43, I still wear earrings that were a gift from my aunt when I was 13. And I think of her fondly every time I wear them. I didn't choose them. She did, for me, and I loved them also because they came from her. Receiving a gift isn't the same thing as "ordering" exactly what we want.
Hmmm. Now that I think of it, said niece and nephew don't write or call after we send gifts, whether they be gifts we've chosen or gift cards. I think we should stop sending either.
Grrr.

I've been brought up with the idea that giving/receiving money is not appropriate, because you cannot express your relationship with money (there is not enough money in the world .... - you probably get it). Call it old-fashioned etiquette, I still try to live by this rule. My only exception are wedding gifts, but only when the couple asks for money for something they would like to buy (thankfully, I've never had anyone asking for money to fund their wedding day). I think the same rule applies to childrens' gifts: I would only give them money if they were already saving up for something special.
Thinking back to my own childhood/adolescence, the one gift that sticks out is a small package of mixed nuts and raisins, which in my language is called 'student oats', given to me by my aunt during my final exams in high school (again, in my langauge, the word student is only used for university students, not for high school). It was her way of saying 'I know you'll do well, and you will become a student soon!'. It's also her birthday cards I remember, not the presents attached to it. So, what would I give to a kid without any wishes, or who wants a gift card? A book that I loved as a child, and a note explaining why it is special to me and why I would want them to have it. A gift card? Only to their local bookstore.

Younger ones who might not know what 'this piece of plastic' is, could get a money card. Most likely they've seen mom & dad get stuff with 'money' or maybe they get an allowance. Older ones, who are aware of gift cards; fine, especially if the giver isn't sure about sizes or specific interests. Just make sure they're not lost in the shuffle of all the boxes and wrapping paper + a way to know WHO gave what gift card.

@inesia - It's a cultural thing. Asian cultures don't have any kind of hesitation about giving money as a gift. I appreciate that, actually. Money can go toward bills. Sweaters (as an example) can't.

And I felt like I came off as a horrible snob in my previous post because of one omitted sentence that changed what I said completely. My parents and I have a pretty open dialogue about gifts now. They used to just buy what they thought I (or someone my age) would like, even though they didn't really know. Eventually, they took more effort to actually get to know me as an adult, and now when they are shopping for gifts, they usually ask me my thoughts to get my impressions of the style. They've taken this tactic with relatives' kids. They'll stop at a store and just kind of live chat with the parents to see what the kids would like. That way, the parents are involved and my parents feel like they are going to give something that will be liked and used.

I love Mary B C's comment and agree that's a great thing to teach kids about receiving gifts. I also like the idea of giving an age-appropriate amount of cash, as this serves both to make the kid feel more grown-up (getting one's own $$ always does), and also help them learn how to manage that money. Personally, my husband and I were having trouble keeping track of all of the gift requests from the large # of nieces and nephews that we have (and also were running out of toy storage ourselves) and decided on a policy of giving a contribution to each of our siblings' kids' college funds each Christmas, and requesting only the same--however small an amount--for our kids from their aunts and uncles in return. We understand that this definitely makes us the non-fun aunt and uncle, since we don't come bearing toys, and while the kids have been too young to notice thus far we also accept that there may be some disappointment (either vocal or not) from the kids in the future. We do hope, however, that both the kids and their parents will eventually understand the value of the gift when it comes time to pay those education bills, and when our kids are old enough (we have an infant and toddler now) we hope to teach them why this type of gift is valuable and how to express gratitude for the thought behind it.

So many children are being brought up to be self-centered and rude. And based on the comments on this thread ("children should be allowed to express their feelings" "why should kids have to be made to cover up how they feel about something?" "There is no reason why a child can't say "Gee, I appreciate the gift, but...") it's not about to get better. We were always taught to say "Thank you so much!" If we did not like the gift, we did not mention that fact. We said something nice about it and moved on. It's not about being taught to lie, not expressing our feelings or covering up anything. It's about being kind to the people who thought enough about you to give you a gift.

I give my nephews cold hard cash...usually with something like with a book about how to make origami out of dollar bills (a big hit, surprisingly). They always love it, or so they say. Because they are generally pretty polite kids.

We have a family rule for giving gift cards. The giver must take the recipient on a shopping trip to spend the card. Makes for a great treat for a young one to spend an afternoon with a family member after the holidays.

Interesting that people get so worked up about the idea of children "lying." There is a reason that all children go through a stage of trying out creative truth-telling around age 4 or so. It is a developmentally important stage. If your children don't learn how to do this, they might have some developmental issues. Of course, you should teach your children not to lie to cover up for their own mistakes because that is part of being responsible. And lies have consequences as they might cause people not to believe you (a la Peter and the wolf) or they might hurt others. You should also teach them the social importance of "white lies," which are called that for a reason. I honestly see no problem of forcing your kids to sit down with a pen and paper and write, "Dear Aunt Sally, thank you so much for the (toy I am now three years too old to play with). I really like the (color..fact that it exists...packaging)." This is a skill that will come in handy all through their lives. Just think, if they never learn the art of polite dissimulation, all the career option that will be closed to them!

Kristine - As an aunt, I'm afraid that any attempt on your part to teach your niece and nephew to be grateful will fall on deaf ears, or worse, be taken the wrong way by your sister. I agree that all children should be taught and encouraged to be grateful but it's a lesson best left between the child and his/her parents. It's obvious that your sister doesn't share this value if her 9yo still rudely dismisses a gift he doesn't like. I'm more inclined to be forgiving to the 6yo, myself, but that's just me.

As an aunt, I have had a 5yo niece open a gift, hold it up in the air and announce "Uhm. I don't like dolls," and drop it on the floor. Her mom was mortified as was everyone in the room including my then fiancé. I decided to laugh out loud to break the tension in the room. And, I'm glad I did. It let everyone off the hook and didn't ruin a perfectly good visit. Sometimes as a gift giver, you really have to wear a thick skin as joy over the gift isn't always guaranteed no matter how much thought you've put into it.

As a mom to a 5 and 6yo, I have tried to encourage my boys to be grateful when receiving gifts early on. The last couple of years, I have had them make or buy a gift for my husband and I and other close relatives. This way, they get to feel the excitement of watching someone open their presents and see their reactions of surprise and gratitude. Modelling is the great way to teaching gratitude. I am amazed (and proud) at how genuinely grateful my boys are when they open gifts, even of clothing and non-preferred items. Having said that, they are not always perfect (although never intentionally rude) but that's where a little forgiveness comes into play.

Good luck with whatever you decide to give your niece and nephew. Can you perhaps, include a gift receipt, with your gift so as your sister could exchange the item easily if they should decide (hopefully in private) that your choice wasn't exactly what they had in mind. They're fairly common in major retailers up here in Canada.

My parents are divorced, and even though my brother and I are older now (late twenties and early thirties) we still have a really weird Christmas dynamic.

My mom always agrees to do the no gift thing, then "surprises" us with extravagant gifts. Usually a combination of items she's put a lot of thought into as well as a bit of money or a gift card. I dislike this, because I usually stick to the agreement and I feel bad.

My dad always gets us the same thing - socks, a huge bottle of liquor (our choice from his cabinet), some cash, and a random-topic coffee table book about something he thinks I'm interested in. My brother and I always have a little laugh on our trip home as we go through the books. We always say thanks and never mention that the books get donated to thrift stores immediately.

My parent's both share a favourite Christmas story about me. When I was ~4, we were having our family Christmas with my grandma and some aunts and uncles. She bought me these slippers from the local discount store (she's not hurting for cash, but that's beside the point). They had huge flowers on the front which were printed on pieces of plastic sewn to the top of the slipper and they were way too big for me. When I opened them, I screamed "THESE ARE GIRL SLIPPERS". My dad reacted with horror while my mom was keeled over laugh-crying with some of my aunts and uncles. My dad convinced me to "try them on and show gramma". I obliged, took them off, and said "See! They don't even fit!" and threw them at her.

I eventually learned to say thanks regardless of what I got. But my parents maintain that I reacted appropriately for the situation. The next year, and every year until recently (due to arthritis), my grandma has made me hand knitted slippers that I absolutely love. After she stopped knitting she give me an envelope with cash. I'd take the slippers over cash in a heartbeat.

@ Mary B C What a nice thing you do for your students. That's very thoughtful of you to write them all cards.

I had never made the connection between gift cards and credit cards. If anything it seems more like a debit card, as it has a limited amount to spend on it and won't charge interest. Anyways, I don't necessarily think credit cards are bad in and of themselves. It is really the temptation to abuse credit cards that becomes problematic, but that's a whole other story...

That said, I prefer to pick out gifts rather than gift cards. Usually I have a pretty good idea of what people would enjoy. If I don't know someone well enough to have a sense of their interests and tastes, than I don't know them well enough to buy them presents. That might sound callous, but I come from a big family and it's just not possible to buy gifts for everyone.

The reason that the mom is responding that way is because she's got a bunch of people all asking her what the kids want. It's the job of the person GIVING the gift to figure out what they might want by either asking the kid themselves or taking note of things they talk about, like books or going to the movies. Not just expecting mom or dad to figure it out.

I don't have kids, or have to buy gifts for any kids, but I like the suggestions to give an activity as a gift, especially if it involves the gift-giver. I barely remember any of the toys my grandmas or aunt gave me, but I certainly remember them taking me to the movies, or to see the lights at the zoo. If you are going to give money, I think actual cash is more exciting than a gift card.

Too many comments to read through. My feelings on gift cards (for ANY age, not kids) is its a lazy gift. Plain and simple. Can you buy it next to gum and bottles water when you buy cat litter at the grocery store? Not a good gift then! You don't know the kid or the adult well enough to get them a gift on your own so you cop out with a gift card. Even the most difficult in my family to give gifts, I take the time and thought come up with something besides a gift card. The whole "it's the thought that counts" totally true. I'll smile and hug someone for a not so great gift because they put the thought into it. Graciousness gets you far and I agree, its a skill we teach kids less and less nowadays.

I haven't asked for gift cards for my daughter, but I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff that seem to come with every holiday/birthday. So I can somewhat sympathize.

This year I've been asking everyone to get my daughter books, though I did put together a small list of other things she would appreciate for those that don't like getting kids books because they think they are boring... silly people. She LOVES to read, and I'd love if everyone gave her books or experiences (ticket to a movie, bowling voucher, etc) this year...

I try to get our nieces and nephews either something they've asked for, or something consumable... art supplies, craft kits (geared toward their interest)...

If she is suggesting gift cards from a specific store, it's possible that the kids want something a little more spendy and they are hoping to combine gift cards to get it. I know there are a few things my daughter could use that I'd never dream of asking someone else to buy (like the Leapfrog TAG reading system), but a few gift cards from family could get them for her. (Not that I'll start asking for gift cards)

"I usually tuck the gift card into a book, because I am the Mean Aunt Who Thinks Everyone Should Read More Books. But the kids like me anyways."

Lol, and here I thought I was the only one with that title. I have been known to hide cash within the last few pages of a book. I generally know by mid to late Jan who actually enjoyed their gift. Fun, fun.

My young daughter gets a little talk about expectations before any gift giving event. Her instructions are pretty simple because at 4 she can only be expected to remember so much when excited. Her father and I have reassured her that if she gets something she doesn’t want/like/already has we will help her find a new home for it. Gifts are a kindness from someone else and you say thank you and AFTER we are alone again she can tell us if it’s not something she wants to keep because no one else’s feelings will be hurt. Gifts should be viewed as a kindness not a requirement and the child should respond to the act of giving verses the item received. If it’s not something a child wants somewhere out in the world another child can be found that would appreciate the gift. Now if we can only get her to stop trying to save ALL of the wrapping paper.

My favorite Christmas gift every year was a gift certificate to a bookstore from my aunt. I counted on that and I honestly LOVED trying to figure out which book(s) to use it on--they had to be special! I could get something that my allowance would never cover. I don't see modern day gift cards as being that much different, if they're store-specific. I don't know about a catch-all use-anywhere VISA though. iTunes, maybe?

discerning--are you sure you're not MY aunt?!? :) that's wonderful!

As a child, my issue with getting any form of cash, check or gift card was that I was powerless to use it without a shopping trip with my mom, which would never really happen... sometimes so much time would pass that my mom would (probably rightfully) decide it was no longer appropriate to cash someone's check. Bummer! I vote that "money" is only worth something for those with the means to use it, or for those you know have a plan for it.

I think you missed the point. Teaching our kid to be gracious is different from forcing them to like them. Regardless of like or dislike, your kid should always be gracious and polite.

LET ME CLARIFY: I still stand behind my comment about lying...but I do agree (which I obviously didn't post) that you should be gracious and thank the person for a gift...however...and this is my own personal feeling...
If I give you a gift you don't like but you say nothing, I've thrown money away and that's not something I can afford to do. I would rather you tell me you don't like it so I can return it and get something you would perfer.
There is a proper way of teaching children how to express their feelings/disappointments by talking to the gift giver in private and there is a way to teach children that it's not all about them. What we teach our children they take with them into adulthood.
It would hurt my feelings more if I found out a brand new item was donated or given to Goodwill because the reciever didn't like it and couldn't tell me so. I encourage adults and children in my circle to be honest with me. It's always worked..from the 3 year olds to the 50+.