First of all, we've got to say we love what David Carr has done over at NYTimes.com. He's drafted his very own guide to smartphone manners. Just like a mission statement, there's no one-size-fits-all guide to propriety in touchy techy social situatons. In that spirit, we have one point of contention with his list: The idea that you should take "phone breaks" when you're out eating with company.
In his Guide to Smartphone Manners, Carr makes a sweeping rule that phones should be put away during mealtime with company. But he adds this concession:
2. Phones should remain put-away during dinner and lunch with friends, but it should also be permissible to ask for and take a mutual “phone break” if the meal goes on for longer than an hour.
I have to say I disagree. With both parts of his statement, actually.
It's becoming common courtesy in this world of 24/7 connectedness to silence your phone during a business lunch or a meeting with a new acquaintance. But it's not always necessary when you're out with familiar friends. There's no umbrella rule to say when and where you need to shelve your phone. You'll need to make that call (ha!) on your own.
And as for this "phone break"? It's not necessary. If you've already decided your company's attention is more important than the interruptions from your device, there should be no need to organize a break to get caught up with outside life. Either it's OK to look at your phone during dinner, or it's not.
And if you really desperately need a phone break, just wait until your guest heads to the loo.
What do you think? Are you in favor of a "phone break" during long dinners? Tell us in the comments!
(Images: Flickr member Adam Mulligan licensed for use under Creative Commons, Flickr member Joi licensed for use under Creative Commons)
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I agree with your point about waiting for a natural break. The only time(s) I have my phone out during a meal with someone are a) expecting extremely important news (I did this once with a friend while waiting for a job offer, ignored all calls except the number of the company) and b) if we're waiting on someone else who may need directions or to find us in the restaurant. Otherwise, I try to be fully present with the people I'm actually with. With the phone on silent, I know if I'm getting a lot of calls/message that may indicate some type of emergency and can excuse myself.
i don't have long important dinners often, if ever, personal or business related. But i still get the point of a phone break. Especially if you are an important person in a company or organization and are always connected. If a dinner or meeting is running long for that entire time you have been ignoring your phone and something could be happening that needs your immediate attention.
when we go out to lunch for work my boss is always checking her phone, sometimes quite dramatically or will announce "nope no emails yet" (although not quite as obnoxious as this probably sounds, although still annoying) but at the same time, completely unnecessary. Put the phone in your pocket or nearby, put it on vibrate. done. There is no need to be checking it when nothing is happening. Or what I do is turn off all ringers and then it just blinks it's little light if something is coming in. Kind of a "bat phone" to my emails. You can leave it out on a table and it doesn't disturb others if you get a message.
I have a general rule of thumb that I totally made up but find works well- if there are plates in front of us, phones are not permitted at the table. It's kind of like that old smokers etiquette rule about not lighting up while people are eating. I feel that phones and food are just not a good combo. but during the pre dinner drinks or in between courses, then it's fine. I just find phones at the table rude, I guess.
Most of my friends are pretty good at ignoring the phone or keeping it short. However, it seems to be an unspoken rule that when someone stops to pick up a phone call, it's a cue for the rest of us to check text messages, Facebook or Twitter. More so if there's only two of us at the table.
i usually break the phone out when the other person goes to the restroom if i'm out to dinner. if i'm waiting for an important call (like, from the sitter about my kid accidentally setting the apartment on fire), then i keep the phone on the table. it gets tucked under my napkin on my lap when the plates arrive.
Phones out during a meal (unless it's an absolute emergency, but still - that's what vibrate mode is for!) is so ridiculously rude. If you can't wait the length of a meal to check twitter or facebook or your email, then you should probably just stick to virtual friends and never leave your apartment.
wow. i have officially turned into a crotchety old lady! but i stand by my opinion ;-)
I'm a firm believer in no phones at the table, if you take the time go out or stay in with someone over a long dinner then it should be your responsibility to give them your complete attention. There is nothing more important, than looking someone in the eye and conversing with them. That is how we grow bonds with one another.
Besides if it's important there is always Voice mail, and if you have to check it then excuse yourself just as you would as if you were going to the bathroom.
The only exception to this rule would be parents that receive a call from someone watching your children, then I can justify the interruption.
No phones at the table - period.
one of my best friends got a sidekick when that whole trend was happening, and she still thinks it's perfectly acceptable to completely ignore whoever she's out with in favor of continually checking facebook/twitter or tweeting or texting while we're out having a meal. i don't mean to sound like an old lady, but frankly i'm only in my 20s and it drives me insane that she does this--in fact, i generally avoid going out with her just because it makes me so mad. if your phone rings while you're out and you answer it--that's fine with me; i don't even think it's particularly bad to have your phone out at the table...but spending your entire meal toying around with your phone and ignoring your company is just rude.
Totally agree with jwilson and dbailey. Phones at the table are rude - if you aren't going to give your company your undivided attention, just stay home.
I'm with ya. No phones at dinner and in general when you are with your friends. I have to say it drives me nuts when I'm with my girlfriends for a weekend away and their heads are stooped over their blackberries half the time. I choose to disconnect so we can all talk. Face to face. Just like in olden times.
Saying that phones at the table are always rude is a sweeping generalization -- it depends on how the person is using the phone.
For example, sometimes a call or message is from someone who would like to join you or meet up with you after you eat. Ignoring a call like that is ruder than quickly confirming plans.
However, I have no patience for friends that play games or read long emails while we're out. They're like kids who can't sit still at restaurants without a video game.
I ignore my phone most of the day, if i'm doing something it's on vibrate and i just ignore it and call the person back later, if it's important they can text me. My phone ringer has become more of a nuisance than a joy since cell phones became wide spread.
Phones should not be readily available for use during meal times except in cases when--in the old days--a wait person would come to notify you of a call. E.g., you are a physician; you have young children who are being cared for by a sitter; your wife is pregnant and due any day now. Otherwise, no phones in sight.
i loathe phones at the table. it feels like everyone does it incessantly. in response i have gotten super passive aggressive about it and if they whip out a cellphone, i take mine out and twiddle around with it for a good 5 minutes after the person has finished. and ignore them completely during that 5 minutes (which doesn't sound like a long time but trust me, the other person feels it! and they usually put the phone away for the rest of the meal. ha)
I'm not a fan of the phone at the table, BUT my husband and I are self-employed in unusual businesses. Friday night we left the kid with a sitter and were ON A DATE and he took a business call . . . and landed a gig that will bring in about $3500. So, yes, I make exceptions.
I believe that you should always silence and put away your phone during a meal with anyone, regardless of how familiar you are. I think that it is incredibly rude and disrespectful to ignore your company while checking on your phone or texting/speaking on the phone. It is a sign of respect to put your company first.
I find it very sad that the question even needs to be asked. When did people become so insecure/needy/whatever that they can't focus on the folks they are with and ignore their mobile phones.
Think of it in terms of the days of land-line-only phones -- imagine going to someone's home for dinner and they put out a big old rotary phone on the the table next to their place setting. Or even worse, being a guest and insisting the host place a phone near their place. Yes, cell phone use at ANY dinner setting is equally absurd and rude -- except for an emergency, of course.
Guess I'm just a child of the 60's -- "love the one your with"!!!
oops -- should read "love the one you're with" -- good spelling is just as important as good phone manners!
I'm old enough not to have grown up with the latest technology. I just think "would I have a big old fashioned phone at the table"? Would we have sat there talking while making others wait for us? Probably not. I never ever take my phone out during a meal with someone else and find it rude when they do. It's hardly ever an emergency.
I can count on one hand the times I've gone out to dinner when there was an emergency looming that was so important I couldn't be out of touch for the length of a meal. And the idea that it would be rude not to talk to people who might want to see you after the meal is just sad. How about planning ahead.
@escondido, insert cat noise here
I live in very close walking distance to many friends, and when I say or text my typical spiel ("Just sat down to eat, will call soon"), they'll frequently ask where we are and if they can come by and have a drink with us.
If I ignored all those calls, I'd miss out on including them when they're bored at home around the corner -- I'd call that rude for sure. So what you call sad, I call fun :-P
I'm just surprised by all the black-and-white viewpoints on this, that people must entirely ignore their phone or be glued to it -- no middle ground. I think using your best judgement and sometimes responding to a text is fine.
@Mid-C Frank - I love this visual!! I am definitely anti-phone at the table and find that my family members (in-laws, siblings) are the worst offenders. Perhaps next family dinner that I host, I will put a big rotary phone next to my plate on one side and my laptop on the other. If they ask questions I'll just say - well I might get a call or email from someone not at this table and I don't want to miss it because you're not important enough in my life to deserve my full attention. Perhaps that would get the point across? ha ha.
• In a crowded restaurant, even on its loudest ring, I cannot hear my phone from in my purse.
• Few of my dresses or jeans have pockets that fit a phone very well.
• I don't wear a watch; it's just one more thing to tote around when your phone is already a clock.
For those reasons, my silenced phone sits on the table when I'm out for a casual meal with friends or family. It's the same with all my girlfriends. Someone might occasionally send a quick text, but there's no long chats, Angry Birds, tweeting, or emailing. I think that's perfectly reasonable. Not a bit rude.
However, while dining in a high end restaurant, going on a date, or having a business meal, I agree that the phone should be silenced and put away.
I never put my phone on the table when eating or even just grabbing a friend. We have these wonderful things called voicemail and email that will collect those messages for us to read at our leisure later. Insisting on having the phone on the table says "someone more interesting might contact me, so I can't give you my full attention".
I love the rotary-phone-on-the-table example, but also consider that you show up for dinner and your host brings a stack of mail to the table and proceeds to open envelopes and peruse his/her cable bill while you're sitting there. Same thing as checking email.
Ha...meant to say "grabbing a drink with a friend". I also try not to grab people ;)
Tracylynn -- YES, love the snail-mail analogy!
It's really scary -- why can't people unplug (and focus) for an hour or two?
Wow, I signed up to comment because I can't believe how harsh and unforgiving most of the comments seem.
If my roommate texts "At the store. Do we need toilet paper?", she and I are going to be very happy later that night that I decided to text back "YES. Desperately!" [true story]
The amount of time that exchange takes is the equivalent of someone at the restaurant tapping you on your shoulder and saying "Excuse me, did you drop this?", and you saying "Nope, that's not mine." Would this conversation offend you? Probably not -- it's quick and serves a purpose (it's not just chit chat). I don't see why a phone's involvement would change the principle and make those kind of short exchanges unacceptably rude.
I'm also not much of a phone person, so perhaps that colors my attitude. My calls are always brief and to the point -- mostly for logistical purposes (do you need a ride, do i need to get home to take the dog out, here's where you can meet us in a half hour...)
Now I do hate it when people read long emails or play games on their phones, but I think that's entirely different. That's entertaining yourself, saying that your company is too boring to do so.
i'm glad my friends are relaxed about this and as attached to their phones are as i am. i don't go to formal dinners much - at work dinners, my phone stays in my handbag - but pretty much any drink/lunch/dinner scenario consists of everyone's phone out on the table. texts are commonplace. no one minds. i don't feel like people are being rude just because they're not paying attention to me 100% of the time.
Call me a tech prude if you will, but I'm so sick and tired of friends constantly being on their iPhones even when we're just hanging out (not eating) that I've decided I don't want one EVER no matter how convenient they are.
If if distracts you from the present company and isn't an "emergency" it should be put away.
wow, this makes me feel like an old person. Most of my friends (and I) now have kids, so on the rare occasions that we go out to dinner, our kids are home with a sitter. For that reason, phones are on the table in case of an emergency call re: the kids. That being said, NO ONE I know would check twitter or messages while out with friends (people do check BB during lunch on a work day, but that is part of our jobs). I think not paying attention to the people you are with is so rude, and the idea that you need a break from the people you are with to check on the social lives of the people you are not with just seems like shockingly bad manners.
A phone call from the babysitter? Of course. A major client. OK. But you're on Facebook or Twitter? Now? During dinner? No. If you need to check Facebook while you are seated at dinner with live friends, in person, you have some sort of disorder. Terminal boredom, possibly, or maybe your brain has already begun shrinking and you're imperceptibly sliding toward dementia.