They really love it when you fix up a neglected house and garden. They compliment your work when they see you outdoors. That's one way to show them what kind of person you are and to start things off well.

I like to bake, so when I do, I leave 'surprise' cookies at the doors of my neighbors. This way, I figure we have 'one in the bank' if we ever need anything, and I'm sure they know who we are :)

my neighbors are extremely unfriendly. i open the door to leave and the girl downstairs will slam hers shut to avoid seeing me in the hall.

can't wait to move :)

We are really lucky to be in a very neighborly neighborhood. Our first clue as to the friendliness: When we moved in, as the moving truck pulled away, there was a knock at our door and our next door neighbors invited us to dinner that night so we didn't have to worry about cooking. We try to take baked goods to new neighbors, particularly a fresh loaf of bread.

We have since become very close with about three houses down on each side of us, and know dozens of people in our small neighborhood; we are active in the neighborhood association, and anytime I am working in the front yard, people stop and chat as they walk by.

Walking the neighborhood daily will help. A friendly face and pace, just slow enough to stop a moment to say hello in an unrushed sort of way.
I've just sold my parent's house of 47 years in the greatest neighborhood in our village. All the neighbors were our friends. I lived nearby and stayed on in the village after college and they became my friends, too, when I took over the house after my parent's passing.
Now the new owner is about to move in and word's gone around already that she wasn't the friendliest person in her other neighborhood across town. She's got a lot of work ahead of her, she'll need to be extra friendly to win their hearts.
Taking the time to chat in an unhurried way will go a long way to help her feel welcomed.

"Kill them (the neighbors) with kindness."

Normally I've always had good luck with neighbours (some have become very good friends), but when I moved into my current house, both neighbours on either side are singularly unpleasant. It has been such a disappointment. Sometimes when I see them, I want to just ask "what gives?", but I don't want to stoop to their level, plus they avoid contact with anyone. I have become friendly with the people on the other side of my neighbour, and they say the same thing about her. It's just such a shame, because a friendly neighbourhood is really lovely.

The neighbors on 3 sides of me don't speak English and don't make eye contact, which is so different than when we moved into our old neighborhood. We had a block captain who organized gifts of food, a directory of everyone on the street with names and phone numbers, and a list of babysitters. And we participated in greeting the next newbies on the block.

This time---not so much.

We're pretty lucky. We're on good terms with neighbors on all sides (though our favorite ones are moving out--fingers crossed for future neighbors), and we even know quite a few people in the apartment building across the street.

In the house where I grew up, my parents recently moved out after about 30 years. Most of the same people have been there for decades and they were very sad about my family leaving (though they still see each other frequently). My parents had built up beautiful landscaping over the years and my dad laid tons of brick paths by hand. The new neighbors brought in a mini back hoe to remove it and have plain lawn, and all of the surrounding residents watched in amusement as they hit a thick layer of concrete below the brick. My dad builds everything sturdy.

I love getting to know my neighbors. We garden, and this time of year we make regular deliveries of heirloom tomatoes. But we are lucky to have people who also want to be neighborly. I've had some nightmares from the days of apartment life.

My husband and I purchased a home around the corner from where I grew up. When we first moved in we brought a small box of cookies to the neighbors on both sides of our house to introduce ourselves. I love our block because almost everyone knows each other so it's been easy to get to know people. We have quite a few elderly people so they're quite friendly and came over to introduce themselves if they saw us. The great thing about our block is that everyone looks out for each other which is really nice.

We love our apartment complex. Everyone's place looks out onto a central courtyard so when we're outside there's always a friendly face to talk to. We trade pantry goods. If a neighbor's barbecuing there's always room for your kid's hot dogs. We go knock on doors when it's pool time and invite everyone we can. It's very much a community.

In the last complex we lived in we didn't meet a single neighbor in a year and a half. The balconies were separate and the halls were just for getting inside. I'd take what we have now over private outdoor space any day.

Hm, for the most part I consider myself a fairly pleasant neighbor. I politely smile and say hello if I cross paths with my neighbors and pat their dogs heads. I don't complain if they're making too much noise, or if they have a particularly yappy dog. likewise I always try to be considerate and not be a burden to others by keeping my noise level down. But from the other comments it would seem like this isn't enough and I'm a rude and horrible neighbor. Because while I'll exchange niceties thats as much as you're going to get out of me. I'll avoid making eye contact because every time I do my neighbors suck me in to a half hour conversation. I peek out my door to see if its safe to get my mail, and if there's someone loitering around I'll quietly close it and wait for them to leave so again, I don't have to get roped up in some huge conversation.

So, @bakerysensei + others, you might want to evaluate what it could be you're doing thats making your neighbors want to avoid you. Because as far as I'm concerned the only type of "bad neighbor" are the ones that are inconsiderate and/or wont mind their own business and overstep their bounds.

I was very fortunate to move into a friendly neighborhood. I met a couple people when I was first looking at the house, as people were outside and curious as to who was potentially moving in. The day I moved in, one neighbor brought homemade cookies and the other a large bowl of chilled drinks for me and my friends who were helping me move. This quiet thoughtfulness left a big impression on me that first day.

Since then, others have introduced themselves to me, helped me out when I've needed to do some bigger outdoor projects or fix stuff around the house (first time homeowner here and they know it), etc. I can't even describe how great it is to be here. I just wish I had something to give back, outside of my computer tech support skills :)

I agree with Miami Elaine. We spent the first year in our house renovating the inside and didn't seem to really talk with the neighbors because we were so busy. Well, we just finished landscaping and now everyone wants to talk to us. If I had to do it over again, I would have landscaped first ;)

Considering how transient my area's population is, I'm fine with neighbors who keep to themselves, but wish that the one deliberately unpleasant household would leave. They treat each other horribly. All these years I've never heard the father call his kids by name, just stupid and moron. Unsurprisingly, the parents are inappropriately antagonistic, mean, suspicious, and rude to their neighbors, even to the last original family on the street that the rest of us like. There's no way to win with some neighbors, so don't take it personally.

sberry, I'm with you. I am not unfriendly, but I just like to be on my own. If neighbors mistake it for unfriendliness, oh well.

mjs7640, just because they don't speak English doesn't mean they aren't friendly and the eye contact could be cultural. I would encourage you to reach out to them; I would be nervous and unnaturally introverted if I lived in a neighborhood with people who spoke a different language than me too but if one of my new neighbors came to me to welcome me, even with the language barrier, I know I would sure appreciate it.

din-don!
Hi, I'm your new neighborough... of the second floor apartment. Nice to meet you! Sorry for the mess and noise in this week, we hope to finish as soon as possible :-)

Well, yesterday I made a batch of red velvet cupcakes and gave a couple to everyone in my building!

I'm half a middle-aged childless professional suburban couple for whom home is a haven, which determines my criteria for neighbors. I consider a neighbor who's clean, quiet, law-abiding, and respectful of her neighbors' privacy and private property to be a good neighbor. I'm at least all that to my neighbors, so my expectation is for that to be reciprocated, not that it always happens. Considering that we're all different kinds of busy people at different life stages, I wouldn't consider neighbors unfriendly merely because there's nothing more. More is great, but optional.

It certainly can be a cultural thing. One neigboring elderly couple was from Pakistan. My husband got offended because the wife wouldn't talk to him or smile at him. It had nothing to do with him, and she wasn't being rude by her standards. Where she was from ladies don't do that with men not related to them by blood or marriage. She was nice to me because her culture's rules allowed her to interact socially with another lady. It really pays to give neighbors some space and the benefit of a doubt.

@Whittyname-
I know that not making eye contact is likely a cultural difference, and I don't have a problem with non-English speakers at all. I also didn't say I was annoyed by them.

What I said is that it is so different from my last neighborhood and I miss the small niceties of saying "hello" at the mailbox or when passing on the sidewalk.

...and even though they don't respond, I always give them a warm "hello".

The first thing I have to say about our new house is that we LOVE our neighborhood. Since moving to S. Florida, we've noticed that folks tend to be transient and don't seem to be interested in getting to know their neighbors. My new neighborhood is just the opposite. It's a laid-back, "old" Florida neighborhhood on a back waterway, where all the families have lived for quite a while and are friendly with most of their neighbors.

I think the fact that we bought the foreclosure that had been abandoned for 2 years, helped to put us in the spotlight right off the bat. The first thing we did was to make the outside as presentable as possible. Being outdoors so much gave us exposure to the neighbors so we had plenty of time to chat and exchange info and tips on our projects. We are very social and have an open home so we are happy to give our neighbors tours as the renovation work progresses.

I think we made the biggest brownie points when we learned that our neighbors loved the mangos from our backyard tree. We made sure to share the wealth when mango season came around. We also found out that some of our neighbor friends didn't know each other so we planned a potluck/BBQ block party and invited all the households up and down the block and on the other side of the canal (since we all look into each other's back yards and are within shouting distance. We had a great time and the 2nd annual block party is already on the calendar.

Agree with Elaine. In Japan, it's customary for the new person on the block to give a little something - a new hand towel, packet of food - to the people on the right, left and directly in front as a token of appreciation, "in advance", and as an apology for trouble caused. But an American might think that the person moving in will be the recipient of a greeting or plate of cookies. So both sides wait, patiently...

In Feb, I moved into a small apartment complex. I introduced myself to the neighbor who I am sharing the staircase with, and that was about it. One other neighbor came to say hi, which was really nice. A few months later, the house next to our apartment was purchased by a family. These people decided to block the entire curb that's in front of their with one car (they parked right in the middle of the curb), so that no one else can park in front of their house. I just think it's rather rude... but, maybe I should just bring a plate of baked goods and show a little neighborly love..

I live in public housing so there are a lot of nutballs in my apartment complex. When I first moved in, I baked cupcakes to introduce myself to people (I did this at my last place, too). It's best to go out there and show myself instead of waiting for people to introduce themselves (never happens around here).

I find it most helpful to walk around the neighborhood, pet peoples dogs (if they let me) and also chat w/people in the laundry room. That's how I've gotten friendlier w/most my neighbors. I leave the real nutty ones alone though, as I don't want them to go crazy and kill me someday.

My building WAS very friendly. But it went to heck when a few people had to move, and instead of selling their units, rented them out.

The problem is - all the renters are dog owners... and when it was brought to their attention that they ought not leave dog poop in the courtyard... and guess what... dogs shouldn't lunge at their neighbors... or yap every stinking time someone gets their mail.... they developed HUGE attitudes! Rather than train their dogs to be good citizens... the humans became worse citizens.

I love dogs... hate dog owners!

My neighbors parked for no good reason in front of my garbage cans just before the garbage truck passed instead of in front of their own. If I hadn't happened to be home and rushed to shift my cans then they wouldn't have been emptied. I could have called the police to issue them a citation for blocking my access to public services, but refrained in hopes of minimizing conflict with them. Their lawn service then for no reason parked illegally blocking my driveway and my husband's car's access to our private property, so I told them to move. The wife ran back and forth in her front yard screeching in rage over that, yet they know the law because they're locals, plus the husband is an attorney. Experiences like this are why I don't consider neighbors unfriendly for merely keeping to themselves!

We like to be friendly and helpful, but our current neighbors are in a class by themselves. bought our current home primarily because of our neighbors. When we looked at the house (a beautiful 1965 colonial), the husband was home, so he came over and introduced himself. We thought he was the best feature of the house. He and his wife have proven to be the Best Neighbors Ever, including loaning us their spare generator since the power is out due to Irene. And they made us coffee the morning after the storm. They're terrific people.

The day we were moving in, my neighbor came out right away to say how much she loved my mom's Honda Fit (who was helping me move). She and her family are the best neighbors I could ask for. Her kids are silly and her and husband are just super cool people. I'll be sad if they ever move!

@clickchick. it's not dog owners you hate. it's BAD dog owners. big difference.

"So, @bakerysensei + others, you might want to evaluate what it could be you're doing thats making your neighbors want to avoid you. "

I'm sorry if smiling and saying "hi" is totally offensive because that's all I've ever tried to do. I am also not interested in hanging out or long chats in the hallway. Slamming doors shut because someone else is in the hallway is just rude.

I liked my refreshingly well-adjusted next door neighbors as soon as they moved in even though they didn't do anything except say hi and be themselves. Watching their three smart, happy kids grow from baby bumps to tweenagers has been delightful. I make it a point to tell friendly neighbors I appreciate them while they're still here since I know from experience they eventually will pass away or move away.

I have great neighbors on one side, not so great on the other. The ones I like even loaned me their car one morning to get to work when my car wouldn't start! We keep an eye on each other's house when the other one is on vacation, but don't have much interaction otherwise because I work a 6-70 hour week & am not home much. I try to give them lots of veggies from my garden since they work from home and keep an eye on the neighborhood.

I am a good neighbour, I still greet them, talk to them, give them some lavander of my garden or hand made lasagnas or cake... I just would like them to be less nosy, I had to buy net curtains because they keept spying! Doesn't matter, we're just renting, so it won't be for long. In the next house, I want 2 meters tall fences all around, at 360°!

I eventually had a back yard 6' H privacy fence built costing over $9,000 to increase insulation after the arrival of my only difficult neighbors, who are next door to me on the side opposite from my favorite neighbors. That stopped their unpredictable banging on our door at night to complain falsely that we invade their privacy. When I take things to my husband's car in our driveway, the wife still sometimes stands on the sidewalk bellowing that she's caught me spying. We have as little as possible to do with them, and wish they'd leave.

After we moved into our house at the beginning of summer, our neighborhood experienced a series of power outages (due to the grid being overloaded with everyone's ACs running). We met most of our neighbors during those outages when we all gathered outside to commiserate. Not the best circumstances, but it sure was a bonding experience!

Three nearby neighbors have vegetable gardens, as do I. It has been the single best way to maintain a relationship with them, since we all encounter each other when we're out tending to the plants (small yards!). Plus we share garden tips!

@Miami's Elaine. I chuckled when reading your post. I have quite the opposite situation. My neighbors to the left AND right (both single, middle aged women) will ONLY talk to my husband. I assure you this is not a cultural issue. But, we have had a few good laughs at their desperate attempts to get his attention.

In my case, the grass is greener on the other side (of the street)! We adore our neighbors across the street. Their latest act of kindness:
They didn't see us all day Saturday and in fear we were not in town, they moved our hanging plants and lawn furniture in to our screened-in porch in preparation of Hurricane Irene.

Need I say more?

My husband and I pretty much keep to ourselves. I have introduced myself to the man who lives next door where as this man refuses to return a friendly, "Hello" to my husband. On the other side is a single mom I believe who only has spoken to my husband. I am sure she and our backyard neighbour have thoughts about us not helping to pay for the fence, but they can look and see we put a new roof on this year and completely repaired the crumbling cement stairs to our front door. Clearly those are major costs. Perhaps we are just their cheap neighbour jerks. Who knows? Either way we make very little noise and are doing our best to improve the crappy yards that we inherited from the previous owners.

We are astoundingly lucky. I often tell people we live in Mayberry. We all know each other and are at least cordially social. Some families are closer than others but we all know each other. There are still two houses where the original owners live (moved in 1956!). They're both obviously up in years so we all try to keep an eye on them.

We have dinners with a couple of our neighbors every couple months. Folks chat on the sidewalk, trade plant cuttings, and are just generally sociable. Yes, there have been 'fallings out' from time to time - but all in all it's an amazing place to live.

Like others, we've seen children born, grow and leave for college. People tend to stay here a long time.

Neighbors who keep to themselves seem underrated in this thread. You could do much worse. They are good compared to the burglar, pedophile, vandal, and drunk driving manslaughterer neighbors who finally moved from my block of the street. After such experiences, I consider neighbors who keep to themselves to be neutral rather than unfriendly. My many neighbors never have been a better lot, yet now I couldn't name or even recognize most of them.

Elaine, your posts are making me laugh! I live on the beach, so I feel the same transient neighbours thing you're talking about. But when I heard about the truck and the bins, my mind went straight to the Grove ;)

Thanks for confirming my "Miami: See it like a native" perceptions. On the up side, I haven't noticed crackhouses like my friends and nearby sister had on their streets, and the two illegal UM frathouse wannabes across the street were disbanded. Mine's a neighborhood of single family houses on mid-size lots, so every one has plenty of room without inconveniencing neighbors by breaking the law. Many neighbors are employed professionals with masters or doctorate degrees, none of which guarantees they're reasonable.

On the down side, neighbors who can't afford private schools leave as their kids approach 5 years. Parents tell me they like the neighborhood and their jobs but have to leave for their kids' sakes, and I don't disagree. That's why, after the one remaining original household on the street soon leaves, my household will be the one that's lived here longest. Overall, I've been lucky with neighbors old and new.

i had loud neighbors, loud music all night. i didn't bother trying to talk to them, i called the police directly. they are adults and should have known better.

Decades ago, I called the police to report that the two young women living in the apartment next door were screaming frighteningly, apparently for help. They kept screaming, not talking, not laughing, just screaming, up until the police arrived. Then they were mad at me for interrupting what turned out to be fun with their boyfriends, and said instead I should have knocked on their front door to ask them to be quieter. No way I'd have knocked on a door where it sounded like murderers were at work! They stayed mad at me, but at least that didn't happen again. Each of us thought that the others were adults and should have known better. Following the golden rule sometimes backfires when trying to be a good neighbor.

Elaine,

So sad that your neighbours feel that they have to leave. Former clients of mine live near UM, and are dealing with break-ins on their street on a pretty regular basis. The upside for them is that the neighbours all watch out for each other. In fact, I pulled into their driveway once and hadn't made it to the door yet when a woman from across the street came to both warn me of the break-in that had occurred 5 minutes prior next door, and also to check me out and see who I was ;)

Yes, funny how one person's nosy neighbor is another person's guardian angel neighbor.

I live in an apartment complex where I feel like a total outsider. I'm a girl, 24, and I think I'm very quiet and neat. Most of my neighbors have very young children that all play together, so the parents chat - but they stop talking when I come up the walk. I wave and smile and say hello, they aren't rude but give a very half-hearted "hi". I don't complain about their screaming kids, or the plethora of toys littering the walkways that I pick around, or the garbage they leave outside their doors, or their yappy dogs, or teenagers blasting music at midnight...
I left a note for my downstairs neighbor when they moved in introducing myself.
I have a balcony full of tomatoes, peppers, beans, etc... I came down one weekend and offered tomatoes with an apology for any leaves or occasional cherry tomato that might have fallen... the woman looked at them, then me, said "No" and closed the door.
Le Ouch? Or am I just overreacting? Any ideas?

Guilty! I have always been an "unfriendly" neighbor, not because I am genuinely mean, but because I have always been in such a rush, and friendliness takes time and effort. In my new home, which is a shared house on a quiet street, I have made an effort to turn down my music and drive slowly, to smile at the neighbors and wave, and let them go first, even if they are far up the road and walking with their kids on bicycles. If your neighbors seem unfriendly, rather than writing them off, try going the extra mile. Chances are good they simply aren't thinking about you after a busy day at work, or are not aware that they're putting off the "go away" vibe.

Reminds me how a young relative moved to a condo of retirees and his new neighbors assumed there was something wrong with him. People seem never to outgrow this, and you're not overreacting. It's not in your power to break your neighbors' clique. There's no use toughing it out indefinitely since your neighbors probably won't improve. It's irrelevant that some people wouldn't mind it since it's your life and you're unhappy about it. Your best option may be to switch neighbors, perhaps by moving to a singles- or university-oriented community.

This is such a subjective and regional thing. I'm from Minnesota, where this myth of "Minnesota nice" is supposed to exist, and in 20 years of owning houses, condos and renting there, I had maybe one or two neighborly neighbors. Everyone else acted like haughty assholes. Now I live in a good neighborhood in L.A. and people here are actually nice. I'm not the type to bake cookies, do block parties and watch people's kids and such - but I'll at least smile, wave, say hi, and commit to a 3 or 4 minute chat about the weather. It's not that hard, it doesn't take that much effort. It's not like you have to be best friends with these people. In fact, it takes MORE work and effort to grunt, ignore, and be a weird prick about shit. I don't understand people like that.

And I don't buy the whole cultural thing. I'm no jingoist chest-beating patriot, but this is AMERICAN CULTURE, where we value respect. Part of cultivating that respect is understanding that your ethnic practices might not seem respectful to others, so ADAPT to us like we ADAPT to you. Meet in the middle and join the goddamn human race. That's all.

@Bx-

A long scathingly heated rant to the effect that all of us other than American Indians emigrated here from somewhere, or our ancestors did, making this "American Culture" of which you speak a continually evolving middle ground between people of vastly divergent backgrounds would be occupying this space, if I did not have too much respect for our fellow readers.

I'm that neighbor you don't see much because of a later work schedule. You won't hear a peep out of me, either...I don't want to be bothered, and I assume other people don't want me bothering them.

But if you block my driveway, abuse your spouse/children/pets, or make too much noise after midnight, expect me to call the cops without bothering to talk to you first.

@gorfram,
@Stiletto,
Well put!

I just moved into a basement flat in a house on Monday. Today the new upstairs neighbours moved in and I did introduce myself to one of them (the guy wasn't around). Normally I keep to myself, but that doesn't mean I am not friendly. I've lived in some flats where I barely saw my neighbours. This is a pretty friendly city though. People will just say hi to you when you're walking down the street.

I believe in being friendly in addition to being what is expected of a good neighbor. I do prefer Southerners simply because they do have a tendency to be more open to small talk. But alas, I live in Chicago :( One problem I do experience with neighbors is the whole "hmm, how should I place my garbage in this Dumpster". I admit I just get angry that people seem so selfish in this regard that they put empty boxes in, without breaking them down, and don't bag all their food items, and never recycle, etc....they will pile up on one side so the lid cannot come down while there is enough space on another side. I don't know why and I hate to assume that they are oblivious. Any suggestions?

I grew up in a small town in New Zealand where we were always involved with the neighbours and they are all life time friends today. I found when I moved to the city it was not like this, until I moved to an apartment complex where although the people were quite transient I got to know some great people .It has taken a year where I am living now to find my neighbours ,young marrieds, to be an absolute godsend ,they are really busy, busy but always drop anything if I ask for a bit of help ,we swap vege plants and I give them potted plants etc ,now the place really feels like home .

"Neighbors who keep to themselves seem underrated in this thread. You could do much worse."

I don't know how I missed this article, but I agree with those sentiments 100%. I avoid most of my neighbors because when we first moved here we had experiences that I wouldn't wish on anyone and these experiences are too involved to get into here. More than a few neighbors were singularly unpleasant, and I'm being generous with that assessment. I now see the merits in keeping to oneself. I'm certain people see me as being unfriendly, but I have good reasons for avoiding people. No one needs difficult contentious neighbors to have to contend with, especially having to cope with people who have mental health issues. If you like where you live and want to stay in your home and community it's probably wise to avoid potential conflicts with idiot neighbors.