When I receive an invite from someone I tell them that I have dietary restrictions and offer to bring food along. When offered food unexpectedly, I'll thank the person, refuse and again reference dietary restrictions. If the person wants to discuss those restrictions the option is there without them having to feel lectured or judged by my personal choices. I eat a vegan diet with the exception of meat that I know the history of (I have been to the farm or hunted it myself) so it can take some explaining. I haven't had many problems with hosts, though. After the first time, they know what to expect, and are happy to share cooking duties with me. Good luck!

If folks come to my house, they know they're getting vegetables and I would hope none of them would send a note ahead of time requesting a pork roast.

If I go to someone's home for a holiday meal, I pack my own veggie meat and mushroom gravy. If THEY ask me ahead of time, I mention my eating habits, but kindly request they don't go to any great lengths to accommodate, unless it's something they're already doing for other guests.

If you are already at the table, and there is no allergy or religious reason to not partake, I would think the most reasonable course of action would be to eat what was prepared for you. You're doing the environment no favors by refusing food that has already been killed, shipped, and prepared.

You can, however, inform the host of your preferences beforehand. You should encourage your friends to buy more ethical food. But everyone has their own considerations... for some, affordability is more important; for others, it is food which is local/seasonal. If you do not agree with the host's choices, then you can always refuse the invitation.

If I was generously giving a party and a guest politely inquired about my food's origins, I would politely tell that guest to go climb a tree. As a host, I think my responsibilities are to provide a rich and varied selection of foods so that most folks are covered (some veg, some meat, some dairy, etc.).

Do not inquire and, if you go, just assume that everything is from a factory farm. Don't eat anything and should the host notice that you're not eating, let him/her know that you're fighting a stomach bug and cannot eat tonight.

You could also offer to bring a special dish and only eat that dish.

I'm vegetarian, transitioning to vegan, and I usually just offer to bring something -- it's easier for me, though, because most of my friends know. Practically every time I go over to someone's house they'll say something like, "And I made sure I had something you could eat!" Which makes me feel appreciated, and also kind of guilty, because I never ask people to go out of their way to make something for me. I mean, I wouldn't "go out of my way" to cook meat dishes if I had people over.

I adamantly disagree with the notion that you should set your personal choices aside and eat whatever is put in front of you, regardless. I would never, ever expect anyone to compromise their personal choices in my house, and therefore do not believe I am obliged to eat meat in other people's houses. I am there for the company, not the food. There is a polite way to deal with these situations, and if they are someone who doesn't know already, I usually just say something like, "Thank you so much, it really does look delicious, but I can't eat meat." and just leave it at that. I find saying that I "can't" keeps the conversation short rather than saying I "don't" which usually invites questions. I try to keep the conversations as concise as possible for fear of being labelled "one of those preachy vegetarians."

If you attend a dinner party, and the host serves food that you absolutely despise, you either eat it to be polite, or you skip that entree. You don't bring your own meal in case you don't like what the host is serving.

I consider the situation you describe similiar. If you are an ethical eater, that is by choice. It is incorrect to say you "can't" eat something, you just don't want to.

I would simply say that you are attempting to stick to a sustainable diet. If you came to my house and declined something that I slaved over because my food was unethical I think I would be upset. If my food is unethical, then I must be as well, right? It's not a bad idea raise awareness of the sources of the foods we eat, but it's probably a little uncouth to do it at a dinner party where the host spent a lot of time and effort on creating a menu that would excite the guests.

Barring something that will actually make you sick (nuts for people with nut allergies, gluten for celliacs, etc, etc) the polite thing to do is to thank the host for their generosity and eat what is given to you. As said above, you are not doing anyone or anything any favors by refusing food that is already on a plate in front of you. You are also being extremely self-centered and rude. There are many times and places to discuss food ethics. The moment that someone is presenting you with the gift of a meal is not one of them.

If the host asks beforehand, inform them of your preferences and offer to bring something if what you prefer can't be easily accommodated within what the host was planning.

In a buffet-like setting, just pick what you can eat, and quietly ignore the rest.

Speaking as an omnivore who has a lot of vegetarian/vegan/food allergy friends, I would never be offended by one of them inquiring about my menu and would do my best to accommodate them. For those not used to this, however, it can be intimidating to come up with dishes that will satisfy everyone. I would say that the polite thing to do would be to inform your host of your diet restrictions and also make the offer to bring your own food if they don't feel up to the task of accommodating your dietary needs.

I was a vegetarian for 20 years so I know what you're going through. Definetly tell the host ahead of time. Have a private conversation and discuss before hand what will be served, and try to find a few foods you can eat so the pressure will be off during dinner. If someone tries to force food on you, which will happen, three words: No, thank you. Don't say any more. Also, label yourself a "Flexitarian". Vegetarians hate it when meat eaters call themselves vegetarian, trust me.

*Also if the topic of ethical eating comes up, save the debate until after dinner. Timing is everything. It's great to inform people, just not while they're eating said unethical food!

I don't think there is a polite way of telling people that you will only eat their meat, fish, and dairy if it is "good enough." Assume that anything on offer is factory farmed and hold your nose while enjoying your hosts hospitality or tell people you are a vegetarian and stick with it in public.

What would telling your hosts accomplish? Do you eat organic butter or must it be pastured? Is pork okay if it is unconfined for gestation or must it have an area to root. These kinds of questions are left to your own conscience in your own home and should be left out of "pass the bread."

For the record, we support the same values you do but I would find grossly rude for a guest to question the source of our eggs before she ate our omelet at brunch.

I have a few friends who eat limited quantities of some types of foods either for ethical or kosher reasons. They eat vegetarian everywhere except at their own homes.

I see two options (long time vegan here)

1. Tell them you are a vegetarian and offer to bring a vegetarian side dish to share with everyone. Do not mention ethics - that is way more offensive than just vegetarianism.

2. Put ethics aside and enjoy the meal, since you made the transition recently and you still eat meat. A couple of meals isn't really a big deal in the scheme of things.

Whatever you do, leave the "ethical eating" out of it.

I can't believe some of you, saying that the "proper" response would be to just eat whatever is put in front of you. Do you realize how incredibly offensive that is? As someone who hasn't eaten meat in almost ten years, I would get sick if I ate any now because my body just wouldn't be able to handle it. But you're saying that I should just suck it up so as not to be offensive?
If it were any other kind of lifestyle choice, would you say the same thing? Like if you brought your children to a playdate and the host started playing an inappropriate movie, would you just ignore it and let them watch it? I hope not.

As a long-time vegetarian, I have occasionally informed a host in advance, (but never asked them to make something specifically that accommodates me - more to let them know that if I don't eat something that is served, that vegetarianism is the reason). Most of the people I eat meals with know me well enough to know I'm a vegetarian anyway.

That said, I'm a vegetarian. I'm not going to eat meat just because someone put it in front of me. That idea is ludicrous and insulting.

Regarding the "ethical" meat/fish/etc. vs. conventional - that IS a tough one. Likely to provoke spirited discussion and/or hurt feelings.

I would be very sad if someone came to my party with their own food (and enough for just themselves). I went through great lengths for the party and I would find it disrespectful of someone to bring their own dish.

I have a couple of food restrictions (not a personal choice believe me!) and simply eat something else. If they were truly your friend then they would know your interesting dietary requirements. It seems like it would be quite lonely living that sort of life. (personal opinion- please do not bite my head off pun intended)

I love food. I love all kinds of food. That being said I find it such a great act to cook for someone and to have someone cook for me.

I would let the host know about your issues. Then decide, by their reactions, whether you should really go or not. Please do not bring your own food. Total disrespect.

I agree with Alicia. Bringing food is a slap in the face to the host. I can see the dilemma though, if this is a frequent gathering. When I speak to restaurant owners, I usually present the issue as, "I worry about the impact of this food on the ocean, etc". Always bring it up over a pleasant and private setting such as coffee, alone with the person. Never in front of others.

Just suck it up and eat it.

As a host I try to always have options, but the time and money that is put in to create a meal is alot! I would never want to add on to a hosts menu

Also

Given the fact that you in eat meat, fish, and dairy I would say that it would be most polite to eat what is there. It would be rude to say "I only eat meat if I know exactly where it came from". Someone who DOES in fact eat meats and fishes but only from places they approve, I would see you denying my food as you looking down on where I got it from.

I would not find it offensive if you brought your own dish, however run this by the host first and make enough for everyone.

There is a big difference in someone that is vegetarian refusing to eat meat and someone that just considers your choice of meat to be ethically wrong but would eat meat from an animal that was raised/slaughtered ethically. If I knew that you ate meat, and I could not afford free range beef for my party, it would be offensive if you told me that my beef was too ethically challenged for your palate.

To all the "suck it up and eat it" folks, would you say that to kosher Jewish people? Come on! Many people take their ethical eating just as serious as others take their religion.
wake up.

If you think it is ok to eat animals in general, your main motivation to me seems to be preventing more animals from having to live a certain life. If you are invited to a party - the purchase of that meat will already be purchased and will already have supported the factory farm economy. What is ethical then about not eating it? The damage is done and the only further damage will be to your hosts feelings. (maybe they can't afford the same ethical food sources as you can!) Being a vegetarian who has an aversion to meat since they no longer consider it food is one thing, but you eat meat! This just seems a silly way to be rude. Take a smaller portion, host more of your own dinner parties, or just decline.

I guess I have the good fortune to have a group of friends that are very tolerant, and flexible. We have a celiac, someone going through an exclusion diet (I think they are done, and have some whacky restrictions now), several vegetarians, and some very adventurous carnivores.

I can't recall anyone ever being offended about dietary restrictions for health or ethics. We just sort it out, and our celiac prefers self food prep to avoid accidents, and nobody minds. Our vegetarians get enough to eat with multiple "side" dishes, and our carnivores get to experiment with goat and rabbit. It's just never really been an issue at get togethers.

I think people are used to the concept of vegetarianism and are happy to acommodate you. I always serve buffet-style and make sure to have one vegan option and one wheat-free option.

But telling everyone at the table that they shouldn't be eating what the host is serving is beyond rude. And if the host is someone who takes pride in being a foodie/good cook, bringing your own food is going to infuriate them. Eat the veggies and wait till you get home if you need more.

Now that I think of it, someone did once bring her own food to my house. It totally upended my preparations because she wanted to heat it on the stove, and I didn't have enough pans and serving pieces, and in trying to accommodate her, my own stuff ended up overcooked and mushy. I'd forgotten until just now, because I've never invited her back.

All of you "suck it up and just eat it" people are really blowing my mind... so glad I don't have to come to YOUR dinner parties! Apparently I have much kinder, more understanding friends!!

Here's the problem: the ethical eating movement is very much an elitist upper-middle-class thing, for people who've never worried where their next meal was coming from. Many people in this economy can't afford to pay more for ethical/organic food, and if you send them a note saying basically, "I'll only eat your meat if you get the more expensive kind," you're putting them on the spot. It's like sending a note saying, "I only accept presents from Neiman Marcus."

Just tell the host that you're a vegetarian, and ask them not to count you when preparing the meat dishes, and assure them that you'll have plenty to eat with the other dishes. And put a handful of almonds in your pocket to snarf in the bathroom if you get really hungry.

@Lisa (Montreal) I don't think so at all. The vast majority of my friends are very much below the poverty line by a lot. Those of us doing "well" are not even considered middle class monetarily.

It's a myth that ethical eating has to cost more. When I was a vegetarian, I actually paid less for my food because meat is expensive.

I had a friend manage an "adventure meat" dinner that still managed to accomodate celiacs and vegetarians. It never occurred to me this would be a big issue.

@mmq, I think you're trying to find a way to take offense. The person in question is not a vegetarian. I don't think many people would advise a vegetarian to just eat meat in order to be polite. That would be a whole different discussion.

Back to the question at hand, I think posters like Tashinka and thedistrict make a great point -- being wasteful is also unethical. If the food was already prepared and you don't want to be impolite, I think you have to weigh the options for yourself.

A suggestion for future holiday seasons: have a dinner party early in the season where you feature ethical food. Print out a menu that states your sources and that all food is cruelty-free, and you could inspire a trend for other holiday parties. People might be happy to serve ethical foods if they know your sources in the area, but when they've already invited you to a party is the wrong time to introduce the topic.

Having a rather large extended family I've gotten in the habit of asking about any possible allergies, on top of already knowing any lifestyle or religious food rules, when I invite them over for dinners.
And of them they know not to preach it. It is discussed in polite company, not at dinner, to understand the differences.
I firmly believe this ethical/local craze is that, a craze, and any one who finds a dinner party to be perfect forum for self-righteousness, found a quick way to be never invited again.

Decline all the party invites and throw your own, ethically-sourced party?

That's the only solution I can think of in which you can see all your friends and enjoy a meal with them and still eat the way you want.

If your host seems to be open to potluck-type offerings, offer to bring a dish. You can skip the ethics part and say something like, "Hey! I just found a really great source for free-range chicken and I'd love to share- mind if I bring some mini pot pies as an appetizer?" or "I've got a ton of this heirloom squash I just discovered and I'd love to bring some to share - does squash fit in with the menu you've planned?"

As a fairly frequent host, I often plan the entire meal before I even send out invitations. So bringing a dish unasked for would be offensive to me, especially if it's totally different from what I have planned (like baked ziti if I'm planning to make Mexican food).

While ethically sourced vegetables are not generally much more expensive than conventional ones, ethically sourced meat and fish often are more expensive and I do not think it is at all fair to ask or expect your host to provide these things for you.

I was a very picky teenager growing up and I hated vegetables, but when I went over to friends' houses for dinner, I always took just a little of each dish and at least tried it, even if it wasn't very good. I know vegans, veggies, and now "ethical" eaters are different, but if you really can't stand to eat another person's food and the host doesn't want you to bring a dish, either don't eat, don't go, or say you can only come after the meal and bring a bottle of good wine with you for dessert and conversation.

If you do decide to inform them, offer to bring a dish and ask them what they'd like you to provide. That's the easiest way to make sure you get something to eat and still fit your food in with what your host has planned for the meal.

Everyone I know that would invite me for dinner already knows I don't eat meat so this wouldn't be a problem. However, if in the event this happened to me, I'd just go and eat the side dishes since meat is usually the "main" dish.
If I was concerned the whole meal would be meat I'd just skip the party and invite the host out at another time.

I usually don't post when there are more than 20 comments. It's all been said already. But, I couldn't resist.

First, I applaud your concern for the source of your animal products.

Second, take the situation into consideration - how well do you know the host, how much do they like to accommodate their guests, is it a potluck, etc.

Third, the easiest solution, as I see it, is to offer to bring a vegetarian option. This might start a conversation, and you can decide how much to tell the host, but I would keep emphasizing that the host doesn't have to go out of their way.

I come from a family of many vegetarians (I am not one) and I am sympathetic to those with special diets, including personal preferences and true allergies.

I thought Omnivore's Dilemma was a bestseller, but judging from some of these comments, I guess not.

There's a line between being a ethically conscious individual and being a boujie snob. You've crossed that line. Don't go to any parties and save the hosting mama from your drama. Don't show up at someones house and push your food agenda like one of those door to door religious wingnuts. I agree with vintagejenta, throw your own party where you can impress (and educate) everyone with your morally superior lamb curry.

Elitist? Give me a break. Do you know how many billions it cost New England this year to clean up after natural disasters? How about the Gulf Coast fishermen from all the oil?
Most of us (I am lower income) who eat ethically do so by not stuffing our faces with fatty foods, we avoid expensive candy and food (we did not even celebrate Xmas last year or the year before) and we buy from Farmer's markets which are perfectly reasonable in price. We also stay healthier and do not need medication / medical care, which saves us thousands. Don't use money as an excuse. In the end, environmental damage makes it more expensive for all of us.
And that old "the animal is already dead" argument. Has to be the least sensible argument around. First of all, eating it means more will be purchased. Second, it is on the conscience of the people who buy it and eat it. The harm is not on my concsience if I do not eat it. I cannot control other people.

Stay home and enjoy your ethically raised food alone.

@Thedistrict, I agree about not wasting food, but scientific studies show that peer pressure is the best way to get someone to change their habits. If all of my friends buy humane certified egges, and I buy factory farmed, I'm going to feel like a jerk. Whereas if all my friends buy factory farmed, I will feel less guilty about it. So it's up to us to set a good example. Personally, I will host my own parties if I am picky about what I eat.

I'm surprised no one has taken this angle:
I think it would be very rude for a host to insist that someone eat something or to insist on an explanation! No one wants to hear the medical reason why I can only eat cooked tomatoes, only if they have been cooked extensively--for God's sake, just let me politely decline. No one needs to hear about how and when I choose to break my vegetarian diet--just let me politely decline.

Also, if bringing a dish is not the plan (like many catered work events) I just know to eat something before or throw some nuts into my purse to eat on the way home. Not the end of the world.

Joan, it's clear by the responses here, that there is no one answer. My suggestion (for what it's worth) would be for you to gage your actions based on who is hosting the party. Close friend or family member = let them know ahead of time about your new lifestyle and explain that you do not expect to be accommodated and will be fine eating everything except for the meat (they might even provide you with an ethical sourced protein option). For any other event I would suggest eating a bit before hand in case the vegetarian options are limited and if anyone asks just tell them that you're newly vegetarian but that the (insert the meat dish here) looks delicious! Most hosts wouldn't be offended by a vegetarian but if you explain your real reasons for not eating their food they may take it personally and be offended, which is obviously not your goal!

Well, here's my two cents.

Personally, my eating habits are "nothing processed" everything in my home is homemade short of a few things that I know where and how they are made. Because of this, when I eat processed foods now I often feel I'll for a while.

Every Holliday we get invited to my uncles for family dinner which consists of boxed gravy, boxed stuffing, canned cranberry sauce, margarine, frozen vegtables(sometimes if I'm lucky it's just those horrible little baby carrots, which is better) ham with a sugary glaze, turkey and mashed potatoes.

Personally, I put a little bit of everything on my plate. But the amount of stuffing and whatnot on my plate is always minimal. I love butter on my mashed potatoes, but I just have them plains with a little salt at their house because margarine tastes like plastic to me. I skip the gravy and have a little cranberry sauce and make sure I have one or two carrots on my plate. I might not eat it all, but I try to have a bite of each, and I always say no to taking home leftovers

I'm not saying this is what you must do, I'm just giving it as a suggestion. The way I look at it is, one meal isn't going to kill me, it might make my tummy unhappy, but the conversation and laughs are worth it, and I'd rather not be the one who put everyone out because I don't eat food out of boxes or eat factory farmed meats. There isn't anything restricting me from eating these foods other than personal choices, and I'm not someone who hasn't eaten meat for a long time and can no longer deal with it in my tummy(I think vegetarians, and vegans, have every right to skip and should never just eat meat to make people happy if you haven't eaten meat for that long your tummy is going to wage war on you)

To sum up: it is never okay to tell your host that their hospitality isn't good enough. If you feel strongly that you can't eat animal products without a specific background, then don't. Hold yourself as a vegetarian and eat like one, assuming that almost everyone buys factory farmed everything.

Another person's dinner party invitiation is not the time to enquire about their sourcing, pocketbook, or ethical beliefs about food production. It isn't time to enforce your beliefs or agenda. It has nothing to do with ethical eating, the price of ethical meat, or your personal convictions. It is simply rude to enquire in this manner. If someone passes you the pork chops you either take them or you don't but you don't discourse on Animal Liberation.

These types of discussions always sadden my heart. Here's a *good question* for you: At what point, in our otherwise civilized culture, did our old friend Common Sense meet his demise?

Newsflash: Offense is a choice. Yes, one can *choose* not to be offended, despite one's viewpoint, whether host or guest.

That said, it is NEVER permissible to [potentially] insult/offend the host. Hospitality is not a right...it's a Gift. RSVP accordingly.

Either

Keep in mind that Joan merely asked how to inform the host that these are her food "restrictions". When hosting a get together, if I care about my friends, I'd rather have someone call me ahead of time to discuss her feelings rather than sit there and not enjoy the meal I slaved over.

We have people over to eat frequently, and we always make accomodations for the friends we know to have food allergies/etc. or who are vegetarian/vegan. The ethically-sourced issue hasn't come up. If someone we'd invited that we didn't know well called in advance to check on the ethical provenance of the food we were planning to serve, I can't imagine that conversation being other than awkward, and I don't think I'd be anxious to invite that person back.

But I might be wrong!

I'm torn on this. As some have said, there really isn't a great way to handle ethical eating restrictions. It's not clean cut like a food allergy or vegetarianism. Ethical eating means different things to different people.

I think if the host is a good friend (not just an acquaintance), it's smart to tell them well in advance (before any shopping happens), and explain what ethical eating means to you. If they're comfortable cooking at least a dish or two within those parameters, awesome. If not, ask if you can bring a dish. They're your friend. You'll have a bit of leeway.

In the case of being invited by someone who you aren't particularly close to, the best way to handle it would probably be "I'm on a restrictive diet. I'd love to enjoy your company, but won't be partaking in the meal." No one needs to know what the diet is. If they're accepting of it, and if they invite you to bring your own food, do so. If not, enjoy the company and eat at home.

In any case, if you're bringing a meal, make sure it's one that can be eaten cold or heated really quickly without any interruption to the cooking process. Chances are, your host has a carefully timed meal going on. Nothing like someone wanting to take up a pot and a couple burners to throw off timing and lead to a tense experience.

I think the best thing you can do is simply let the host know that you are a vegetarian and offer to bring a dish to share. Then have a light meal before hand, just in case there isn't enough you can eat, or keep a protein bar in your purse to sneak at some point.

Being a vegetarian will not upset the host (and if it does, get new friends) and if the subject of "Why?" comes up (as a vegetarian, I can tell you that it often does) THEN, depending on your relationship with the host, you can open up that dialogue. If its a close friend or family member, it shouldn't offend if handled correctly.

QUOTE: Keep in mind that Joan merely asked how to inform the host that these are her food "restrictions". When hosting a get together, if I care about my friends, I'd rather have someone call me ahead of time to discuss her feelings rather than sit there and not enjoy the meal I slaved over.

Good point. And yet, keep in mind that not everyone share's *your* viewpoint. If the host is willing/able to accomodate various food restrictions/ethics, it is his responsibility to inquire about them at the time the invitation is issued. A guest adding stress to the host's plate is UNacceptable. Period. It's called 'good manners'.

@Discerning I agree - my personal policy is to never refuse a gift once it is presented. As you said, at the time of invitation is the moment to work out any issues, not later than that. I think honesty is good between friends as long as it's in private and we give notice to our hosts! :)

.....and as for the ethics part, I would never just expect the host to change her plans without some benefit to her. With my family, I often use bribery. That works.

Ah, yes, there's that. Bribery + family = win-win. Works for me too ;)

I know you are well intentioned and that is great. But I think you need to hear that your idea of ethical eating is very off. Did the cows you eat drop dead of natural causes? If not, there is nothing ethical about it, whether you know where they came from or not. Same with dairy.

Arg. You can't be "mostly" vegetarian. You eat meat. You do it responisbly. That's fine. But you are *NOT* a vegetarian. When you say "I'm a vegetairan" but then stuff down a plate full of turkey (even if it is organic, local, free range turkey), then people think that vegetairans eat turkey. They don't.

I'm just so confused by this whole conversation. I suppose I follow a similar diet which is mostly vegetarian, but I'll eat meat if I know where it came from but I've never encountered a situation where I need to explain anything at all. I went to my family Christmas dinner this year, and just didn't take the turkey. Nobody even noticed. On the rare occasions where dinner is small enough that I get a question, I just say I eat mostly vegetarian and nobody questions it at all. Sure, there's no such thing as "mostly" vegetarian in a pure sense, but neither my omnivore nor my vegetarian nor my vegan friends have ever had a problem with it, and I don't worry about offending anyone. Maybe it's because I live in Los Angeles and food restrictions are quite normal here...I just don't see the big issue. But I think it's offensive to tell anyone to eat anything they're uncomfortable with. That just seems crazy to me. I would never want to serve someone food at a dinner party that they didn't want to eat!