My husband and I have this kind of arrangement now. He has a daughter from a prior relationship that doesn't get along with me despite years of family counseling. We found we get along better when he spends time with her separate from me, I get time to myself, and we can both be "home."

Financially its more expensive, but emotionally it saved our marriage.

At the very least, I'll have a separate bedroom if I ever get married/live with someone again. Right now my boyfriend lives next door and I could see ourselves being very happy that way for as long as finances allow it.

Just when you think you've seen it all..

QUOTE: The arrangement is popular among Baby Boomers

News to this Baby Boomer.....but now that I am enlightened,
I'd just call it 'dysfunctional'

It sounds like something that can be a great way to a happy relationship. I'm just not seeing how this is financially possible for the majority, especially now. I hear of so many people having a hard time barely making it by sharing a household, let alone being able to afford one by themselves.

My parents always spoke longingly of the LAT arrangement that Robert B. Parker & his wife had - each with their own floors, plus shared space.
LAT sounds fine, unless it's like Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall. Supposedly, he had a key to her apartment, but she didn't have one to his. Not too hard to figure that one out.

I always remember reading about Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera's residence in Mexico City that was made of two separate houses connected by a bridge. I always thought that was one of the most brilliant homes ever built.

I just couldn't imagine it for my partner and myself. If I need time to be alone, I go to a different room. I don't see the point in having a relationship with someone you couldn't tolerate living with...

Never been married, but I always thought the best of all possible worlds would be to have apts/condos across the hall from each other.

Interesting...This kind of arrangement would make cleaning so much easier. Of course, I'm not sure this arrangement would work with mutual children involved. You need someone to back you up as a parent.

I get that everyone has things they want to share and things they don't want to share, but this is an awfully high standard. But then, I grew up with seven siblings, and despite being an introvert's introvert, sharing space is automatic to me.

I live in a building with two flats. My mom lives upstairs and my husband, baby, and I share the bottom flat. According to the neighbors, the former tenants were a married couple who each had their own flat.

The neighbors said it worked well.

Maybe because one was a smoker? We've recently found nicotine pouring out from under the paint in our flat and my mom's is fine.

I've only been married 3 years but I like sharing my house. My mother is a different story - I love her being in the same building but am really glad we don't share a kitchen.

this really isn't a new concept. in the 1600s affluent people had entirely separate apartments in the same residence.

I wish I wish I could have my own room. Sigh, to be able to read in bed or not have to sleep with earplugs to drown out the snoring.

I'm very introverted and need to be alone a lot, but I wouldn't want to give up shared living space altogether, just shared sleeping space.

I guess if it's for you then okay. I have my work space, hubby has his office, if we need to separate. But not sharing a home together would make me feel empty about our relationship.

I live alone and have for 25+ years. I enjoy my solitude as well as having my own space. I am divorced and am not looking to re-marry or live with someone so this is something I would intertain..
And yes, this is NOT a new concept. But it was done more with the rich than the poor.

Seems perfectly sensible to me. Of course now that I'm divorced 3 times and live quite happily as a single it's a non-issue. If I were ever to take up with a partner again I'd definitely have separate living quarters.

I understand this for committed dating and engaged couples (in fact, it's not a new idea. Living together is a new idea). But not if you're married. Isn't the point to live together? If one of you is a very light sleeper or something I could understand twin beds, but if you are so selfish that you can't share your home, you shouldn't be married. If you need more space, build a "man cave" or the feminine equivalent.

This is quite common in Japan. I call it divorce, Japanese style. Didn't realize it was popular elsewhere.

@ayellowhouse....oh yes! i dream of having my own bedroom with a partner. the best of both worlds! very practical and very sexy at the same time!

To hell with marriage, I'd happily commit to one of those cottages!

Seriously though, what an absolutely brilliant idea!! DISCERNING, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you. It's evidently not for you and that's fine but living under the same roof does not guarantee a happy marriage. How many unhappy couples have habitually shared a bed for years on end? How many relationships could actually be revived through living apart? It could be quite thrilling!!! It certainly wouldn't be dysfunctional (I'm sure that there are some military wives out there who'd back me up!).

To paraphrase my favourite Armistead Maupin character, Anna Madrigal:

"There are all kinds of marriages, dear." ;)

My boyfriend and I are moving in together but we are getting our own bedrooms. That way we each have our own space when we need, but can be together if we want. It lets us have alone time, our own space and still keep our own identity as we grown together. We also have separate schedules and he's a light sleeper - I could only imagine how frustrated he would get to have to wake up to my alarm clock every morning at 6:30 when he doesn't get in til midnight or 2am sometimes. I wouldn't want something silly like that to ruin an otherwise perfect, healthy and normal relationship.

Most of my family think we're weird but they are pretty traditional.

This idea of separate houses is cute, but I could only do it if they are connected. We don't have kids yet, but we have a dog, and I could see it being really inconvenient to have to go back and forth.

Right, in every piece of classic fiction I've read with wealthy characters, the men and women had entirely separate areas of the large home and would come together only for socializing with guests and for meals. Always appealed to me!

I enjoyed the NYTimes.com article. I think of LAT on a continuum, from separate bedrooms in the same home to committed-and-living-on-separate-continents. The Times has reported LAT before, focusing on long-committed couples who found themselves living apart because of work.

While I personally love sharing a house with my husband and young son, I recognize that not everyone needs to be under the same roof to share a "home."

yes!!!!! it is the very best thing ever. m

This would be insane and horrible for me, but I am not in the business of judging other people for finding ways to make their relationships workable. I don't doubt that this is the healthiest way to live for a lot of people, but if my partner wanted us to live apart, I would just dump them and try to find someone who actually enjoyed being with me.

@acrossthepond ... maybe some military wives would, but it's a bit insulting to insinuate that the rest of us, who do NOT live apart by choice, are happy with the arrangement. i know very few military wives who are excited or happy when their spouse is deployed and unable to live at home. it sucks. and yes, it often creates dysfunction since communication is more difficult.

also, in the long-term, I require It daily at a minimum. if we aren't sharing a bed, it just isn't gonna work out.

Reminds me of that Woody Allen SatC quote, about him waving across the park to Mia Farrow.

Granted that ended badly... but I can see how it would be nice if you could afford it. It's not for me, but I don't think you can make a snap judgement that it's "dysfunctional" without knowing the family's circumstances.

To each their own, and all that.

I've often thought a semi-detached house would be the ideal arrangement. Semi-detached is when there is a wall between the two houses but they share a roof. Each partner would have their own separate home but would be close.

"Women, then, have not had a dog's chance of writing poetry. That is why I have laid so much stress on money and a room of one's own." - Virginia Woolf, from "A Room of One's Own." Our version of the happiness continuum: Separate money, separate work spaces, but we need to sleep and spend lots of time together. Currently, jobs require us to have different days off, but we have mornings and Thursdays together. It's a joy. We get lots of time together, but lots of time alone. The separate money thing is much more important to our happiness than separate space. (I type this as he's in two feet from me, making a racket on the guitar, adapting one of my poems into a song.)

That's not marriage; it's friends with benefits and the occasional booty call. If you can't live with a person, why not move on and find someone with whom you can. And it's BS and a damn lie that it's "popular" among baby boomers.

Apologies RENJADE. What I w as trying to say was that military couples presumably know that their marriage may involve living apart. I should've gone witn my first choice of example, travelling business professionals but eitner way, if couples live apart by choice or not, I don't think that it means that their marriage is any less valid and, in that sense, I do not consider such marriages as being 'dysfunctional'.I hope that's clarified things. :)

i'm sure most couples will appreciate having extra rooms/areas in their home where they can retreat to when they want some alone time. but if the person i'm in a relationship with feels they need so much personal space that they require a separate address, i would be wondering why they wanted to be with me in the first place.

Now this I could get use to. Otherwise, staying single. Just got divorced.
Brenda

QUOTE: How many relationships could actually be revived through living apart? It could be quite thrilling!!! It certainly wouldn't be dysfunctional (I'm sure that there are some military wives out there who'd back me up!).

@ ACROSSTHEPOND: You make a good point...quite a few would be revived by living apart....temporarily! But to practice it as a lifestyle is dysfunctional and contradicts true intimacy. I was born into a military family. Now I see the toll separation exacts on a loved one whose spouse has been deployed for six months every single day. It's not *thrilling* by any stretch of the imagination, however one colors it.

Fwiw, I don't totally disagree with you...we each have to make our own choices and live with the consequences. If it works for you, so be it. No judgement here....I just find it sad that so many are cheating themselves out of so much. This is not the way it was meant to be. .

.

Living apart is not a per definition dysfunctional nor does living together necessarily means functional.

My husband and I have separate bedrooms and separate baths. Our daughter also has her own room. We figured out a long time ago that shared sleeping space made for grumpy awake hours. Now everybody sleeps when the need to, has a place to retreat, and we have no fights over being neat or messy in our own spaces. As an only child and introvert have a quiet space that is just mine saved my life.

My husband snores to his hearts content in a cluttered, book filled, smelly garden floor apartment in our 4 story brownstone...I sleep happily ever after in beautiful white, sparse, lavender scented aerie on the top floor. We enjoy the time we share in the middle 2 floors of living space...After 20 years of marriage we finally got something right...To each his own=)

My partner and I maintain separate residences in the US and Canada......we spend weekends together alternating between the two and spend the week in our respective residences. It's a perfect arrangement that gives us each our individual space yet also gives us our time together. We couldn't ask for a better arrangement.

First time this Baby Boomer has heard of LAT, but I love the idea. I want a little house; my other half doesn't. Great idea . . . I'll have to research this a bit further. Maybe since he doesn't want a little house, he'd go for TWO little houses!!

I've always thought three doors apart would be perfect. But I've managed co-habitation okay, too. Still, a girl can dream, right?

The LAT thing just works for some of us. We spend most weekends together. It's "our time" and its quality time.

Where I could see this working (among other very reasonable situations) is with opposing sleep patterns that cheat both partners out of a good night's sleep with no compromise in sight. I used to joke about having a separate bedroom from my ex-husband just because I'm such a light sleeper and any trace of snoring keeps me awake and almost violently angry. :)

With my current, we both need our own space, but would be happy with separate offices or "play" areas. It's financially impossible for us to have separate houses or apartments now. Not with a baby on the way. In the meantime, we both really do just enjoy being in each others' presence without having a plan or planned quality time.

Whatever happenend to committing to someone for life, through thick & thin? Is the institution of marriage just yesterdays news in this day and age? I'm visiting a friend but had to register just to reply to this thread. Ok, may be numerous marriages or numberous years of living alone might give one another view. But if you truly care about someone this much and still choose separate houses, ya might wanna look inward. This is not a healthy relationship no matter how you define it.

I agree with Irish_One, and I actually *have* lived alone for many years.

Surely, the point of getting married is to share your daily life with someone. Despite all the comments and explanations given here, this still seems really sad.

@Discerning seems to have gotten off-track. I don't think you can relate this lifestyle to military or FIFO work at all!! I think it's a perfectly healthy thing to do, space and finance permitting. I think it's a shame for people who think intimacy is reserved for the bedroom only, and I actually find that dysfunctional! I think, though, that if children are bought into the relationship then it has to be separate bedrooms/quarters in the one house, with living spaces shared.

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter do it. From what I remember, they bought neighboring terrace houses and put a door between them.

My current lover and I have both [separately] commented that the coolest thing on the entire planet would be living next door to/on the same block as each other... but not in the same house. Close enough to have breakfast together in the mornings, or drop by spur of the moment, or *choose* to spend the night together, but far enough apart to each be our own hermit-y introverted selves. Best 'o both worlds, in my book!

I would love to have a room of my own, though I don't think I need a whole house! But a space to decorate and furnish independently and use as I wish would be nice. I'm not sure I'd need a bedroom to myself, as my partner doesn't snore or steal sheets or anything, but a room to be messy with craft projects, books, and papers.

I don't think people should be calling this "UN-healthy" or dysfunctional, it's a choice!

To say that people who choose this arrangement are "selfish" or don't know what intimacy is, is just silly....My partner and I lived in separate apartments for the first 10 years of our relationship, and it was amazing! It just worked so well for us, but that doesn't mean it would work for everybody. :)

Not mentioned -- the younger generation of men may do a lot of work sharing in the house. I am older and I do ALL the housework. I don't want to be blamed for the situation -- my husband is simply beyond change. He doesn't seem to get it that the way things look reflects on me and is quite willing to live messy as long as he is comfortable himself. I would live next door in a minute. Let the guests visit my place and let his place tumble into chaos. I love that NYTimes article showing the pink and blue cottages.

So much judgement in this thread. Often prefaced with, "I'm not judging, but...." I'm talking to you, Discerning.

The cottages are cute, but I wonder why people cannot just stay in a larger house with more rooms to retreat too if one desires and needs privacy. I require a lot of privacy and I do not do well when I feel that is compromised or not respected. Lately, I've developed sleep problems too and my hubby snores, which is creating some difficulties healthwise, sleepwise and my moods, etc., but I don't want to move to another house. Maybe I'll start to feel differently if the sleep issues continue, but I certainly hope not. There's a lot to be said for getting a restful night's sleep.

If these people prefer separate places to live, I wonder what happens if they are asked to host company, relatives, etc., or overnight guests. Which home would their guests stay at or do they just suggest that they stay at a hotel.

Obviously, living apart is a different type of relationship then living together, but calling it "unhealthy" is a bit strong. Think about what "unhealthy" means - you are telling people they are sick for making a choice that is different from what you would do. As long as it is mutual, and both partners are happy with it, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with living together either.
I do wonder though how many people are living together apart - in the same house but barely together - not realizing that their marriages are falling apart? People who make the decision to live apart must do so with a greater understanding of their relationship than all of those couples who are barely staying married (for tax reasons or for the kids or because they are used to each other or because they are afraid to be alone or because they don't dare think about the consequences) will ever have. So who's to judge which choice is the "right" one?

My partner and I have a duplex. I live upstairs, he lives downstairs and we have 100% full access to the others space. Some of us require more alone time and space than others to function at our best, and are lucky when we find a person that can not only deal with but embrace our independence.
It's not for everyone but I assure you that we are very much in love and committed!

Ahahaha, I think all the comments suggesting both explicitly and implicitly that LAT invalidates a relationship are hilarious. Once, I would have gotten all worked up over narrow-minded Judgey McJudgersons, but I don't care much now. Total disclosure, I still haven't found what arrangement works for me but I would never make value judgments about someone who had different needs than I do. Or blanket statements with no foundations. That's called bigotry. More power to those learning and insisting upon what they need to feel happy in their relationships.

My parents practice a living apart relationship out of necessity. His job is in Boston and her home (which was her mother-in-law's) is in Maine. Financially and emotionally there was simply no way to sell the house in Maine and try to purchase a property in Massachusetts for them to share. Unfortunately, there was also no way for my father to commute daily, but he comes to Maine nearly every weekend.

They've been living this way since 2000, and it has actually worked out better than you might imagine. Sometimes my father can be difficult to get along with. He's territorial, picky and messy, so having his own space saves he and my mother headaches. They do miss each other, but their marriage and devotion to one another is as strong as it was when I was a child and we all lived under the same roof.

I have a hard time seeing living separately as an ideal situation for any healthy couple, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it would impact a relationship only in a negative manner.

It works (for a certain value of "works") for Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer; he has his house in Minnesota with his lovely dogs and bees, and she has her shared house in Boston . Granted, they're about as far from a traditional couple as it gets, but there ya go.

My ex and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment almost as if it were a studio--a shared bedroom in the living room and we each had our own office/living room space in the bedrooms. Oh, and heaven help him if he set foot in my bathroom. We had separate friends, different tastes in movies and music, alternate work/school schedules. He played loud video games while I love a cozy, quiet reading nook. A lot of people thought it was strange that we had our own "homes" but I doubt we would have stayed together for almost a decade without them. Current partner and I spend almost all of our time at home within ten feet of each other. We share a bedroom but I usually sleep at night and he sleeps during the day with only a few hours of overlap. Both of these living arrangements produced happy, peaceful homes.

Whatever makes it work for your relationship, imho.

It's working very well for me and LOL Man these past three years or so. "My place or yours?"

It works for us!

"But if you truly care about someone this much and still choose separate houses, ya might wanna look inward. This is not a healthy relationship no matter how you define it."

I wouldn't call it particularly healthy to want to spend ALL your time with your spouse. Many married couples have different interests, move in different social circles, take separate holidays, and I don't see it as an indication of not caring about the marriage partner or of an unhealthy relationship as long as both parties are OK with the arrangement.

Is this getting popular because people are afraid to lose their identity through marriage ? I wonder.

My husband and I share a house and wouldn't imagine another way to live, but neither of us feel "eaten" by the other. Both of us kept doing the activities that mattered (fencing for him, meetings at a philosophy club for me, dancing for both of us), and our home reflects our personalities too (and our children's, and our cat's). In a way, I'm happy to share my life with someone that isn't like me at all. It has its challenges, but in the end, I feel so much happier not living in a house that would reflect only myself. Feels cold and egocentric to me.
Plus, I'd hate to have two territories: one that's all mine, and on that's all his. I'd feel like a man-eating insect (what's its name again ?) in my place, and like a fly trapped in a spider web in his. But then again, that's only me.

I say do what works for you. My parents don't have separate houses but after 48 years of marriage, they do have separate rooms because my dad likes to watch t.v. late at night and my mom doesn't, so it works.

Now that I live with my boyfriend (apartment), I am very confident that we'll be sleeping in separate bedrooms a lot when we buy a house. Also, it's a no-brainer for his & hers bathrooms; he's just too hairy and he can't keep the bathroom clean!

It can work if it's what both parties want. In my sister's situation it's extremely frustrating. Her boyfriend doesn't want to share a home anymore after breaking up with his ex. That was years ago. He is now expecting a child with my sister and still doesn't want to commit to living together in the same house. They both have seperate apartments a block away from each other. And frankly I feel a big lack of commitment from his side. With a baby on the way, my sister is the only one getting a room ready for the newborn. I already know who will sleep peacefully in his own place if the baby gets loud at night. Makes me sad and angry.

I honestly don't see this as being financially responsible or even that good for the relationship. So now you get an argument and you both just go to your prospective homes? What happened to talking it out like two adults? I can get the separate bedrooms and even though it seems stupid, separate bathrooms - but this is really a bridge too far.

I can see this working for a lot of people because they're older and they've become used to their routines and patterns and it's a level of comfort that doesn't need to translate to living together all the time. With younger people and people in my generation (20s) I don't see it being the same. It used to be frowned upon for people to live together before marriage. Now it's weird to live apart while being together? It's obviously possible to be committed and apart.

@Dimmie - I thought about Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer, too, but their relationship is pretty unique in that they both travel so much that it didn't really matter whether they shared the same address. Chances are, they wouldn't be home at the same time anyway.

Joy Behar: "I want a man in my life, just not in my HOUSE."

My husband and I (36 years) share a room, but I sleep in my sewing room. He used to wake me up due to snoring---uh, mine! And we like each other a whole lot more when we're well rested.

My late husband and I designed a house with a central living space and 3 small wings (mine, his, kids) because sleeping together just didn't result in restful sleep for either of us. He was a snorer and I was a really restless sleeper but even a king bed wasn't enough space for both of us to wake well-rested. In the end I think my restless sleep was due to his snoring... but... I did enjoy having a more feminine bedroom and my own bath.

I'm all for LAT.

I'm the oldest of four and even as young child realized I wasn't interested in being tied down by kids or marriage.

My home is my refuge and I wouldn't want to sully that feeling by living in someone else's space or trying to accommodate contrary habits and preferences of
someone else in my own space.

I think people are struggling to see the difference here between a couple who together make an informed, conscious decision to live a lifestyle that works best for them, as opposed to a couple who don't cohabit due to work, travel, commitment issues etc.
I don't think people who make this decision are children, @greenwoodgal, and doubt they'd go running off to their respective rooms/homes when the going got tough. I also applaud your ability to fully understand a couple's relationship by judging the way they live!
The two couples I know who live this way (one in separate bedrooms, one in different apartments in the same building) are incredibly connected with their respective partners and have fewer relationship hurdles than my cohabiting couple friends.

My husband and I have lived happily together for 34 years (been married for 32) but if I that were to change, I don't think I would want to live with another person again. I love my privacy, and I love my space and my husband understands that; we grew into our relationship and our dealing with space and each other together. I don't know if as I get older I would be able to make the compromises involved in living with any other person.

Wow, there are some seriously judgmental people here.

One of the happiest couples I know is quite content with the separate arrangement. Both in their late 40, both divorced prior and already owned houses. It's not for everyone, but why be so nasty "discerning?"

I think the people opposed to this idea, are actually the ones that need to look at their relationship, not the other way around. I'm completely secure in my relationship that I don't need him under my thumb every minute. Why do you need to know your spouses whereabouts, every single second, of every single day?

Me and my Mister have completely different body clocks. I'm an early riser with a bundle of energy from the minute I roll out of bed, and he doesn't fully wake up til 11, coffee required, and still quite cranky. Different bedrooms at least seems like a great solution if you can afford the space to accommodate everyone and everything.

I know of a couple of couples doing the separate bedrooms thing, though most are a bit embarrassed to admit it, and after reading some of the comments here, I see why.

Dolly Parton and her husband spend much of the year apart and they have been married for over 40 years. Whatever works!

This concept is one of the reasons I bought the unique 1950’s home that I have owned for the last 5 years. On one 7000 sf lot, I have an 830sf house for myself, a 450sf cottage, as well as a separate studio/office and two tools sheds. My urban compound is surrounded by pocket gardens and since it’s all single story, the sun touches every corner for at least part of the day. I have lived by myself for 12 years since my divorce, and although I enjoyed my marriage and the home my husband and I built ourselves and shared together, at this point in my life, I could not imagine living under the same roof with a man - or a woman, for that matter. For myself, the arrangement you describe as LAT, which I call “significant neighbors” is a workable way to share the parts of life I choose to, without giving up the individual life that I enjoy. My little cottage does not provide a home for a partner now, but gives me rental income and if I never do share my space with a significant partner, it will allow me to live at home until the end of my days and my caregiver can live near me in the cottage. Adaptability is the key to my future.

Does anyone else have trouble sleeping when their spouse/significant other is away? I do. We just seem really in sync with each other. Maybe this sort of thing works if you've never shared space together and gotten used to it. Any compromises made in sharing bedrooms/bathrooms/living spaces are definitely worth it/not that big a deal when I think about the intimacy we share. Also, I like that our children see our family as one unit that works and lives together. Separate living spaces might negate that idea.

@hinmelb -- I would seriously have to reconsider my relationship with my husband if he wanted two separate places - and honestly, I'd figure he was cheating or wanted to. We have talked about separate bedrooms (he rolls around a ton in his sleep and I snore), but if I can't live with the person I'm in a relationship with, I don't need to be in the relationship.

Not for me, but I do know a few couples who do this... whatever makes it work!!

-gemma
www.thesweetestdigs.com

i'm in a new relationship after a divorce and our arrangement now is pretty fantastic. We each have our own apartments in our neighborhood (about 20 blocks from each other) really close to work downtown. I have 3 cats and a dog, so i made the decision to sleep at my place sunday-thursday nights (work nights) to make sure they're getting enough attention during the week. He's welcome to stay over any of those nights (which he does), but then we have his 'weekend home' as he dubbed it for friday/saturday nights for a change of scenery.

It's been working out well for us, not only because my place is closer to work, but it's more conducive to weeknight dinners, making lunches for work, etc...mainly because he's still living in a bachelor pad with a tiny kitchen and more electronics than housewares. Plus, I've taken lots of time and energy to make my apartment feel like a home, so it's better for lounging around and relaxing during the week.

I'm sure eventually we're going to want time/space apart from each other and won't sleep over every single night...but it's nice that we have the option of 2 very different spaces.

I work in a condo and I know a few couples who are married and have been for a million years but they live apart. When I first heard this my initial response was "interesting". NOW, I am more than open to it. Now I actually want that. I live alone now, (I just experienced having a roommate for the 2nd time and I realized that it is NOT for me). I've had boyfriends in the past that I lived with, but just a few months into it I'd want to move out and get my own place but still be together. This was very confusing for my now EX but is the only way I can see myself being in a long term relationship and being truly happy. As an only child I VALUE my space. I like having my own things, my bed, my couch.......call me selfish but I like that seperate togetherness. You're together when you want to be, and apart when you don't.

After 40 years of marriage, I've long since come to the conclusion that it's nobody else's business how a couple arranges their relationship. There is no instruction book, there are no rules for the right way to run a marriage. We are all making it up as we go along and mostly doing the best we can.

Marriage is not about finding The One Perfect Love for all eternity. It's about finding a person you want to share your life with and then negotiating how both of you can get the things you most want and need from life, while staying committed to each other. What you need and want changes over time, and the compromises you each make need to feel balanced between both people over the long run. But the only people who can judge what works for them, are the couple involved.

LAT isn't for us, at the moment. However, there have been periods of time when it might have worked well and made things easier.

So, if it works for people to LAT for a while, or forever, it's their own business. I think they should be congratulated for figuring out what works.

Boomer here!

I was married for several years to my "younger man". We separated and then divorced amicably (for private reasons) and I lived alone in an apartment again, as I had most of my adult life. (He kept our house, since he could afford to maintain it and I couldn't. Being mature adults, we agreed that we would leave the marriage with what we originally had, no alimony or other penalties. He bought me new furniture for my apartment and kept a lot of what we had together...)

After about six years of being platonic friends but seeing each other rarely, including a few months of totally ignoring each other and seeing other people, I lost my job and he invited me to move back in with him, in what used to be our guest room. It has been nine years, we are still happily cohabiting as an unmarried couple, and living with separate bedrooms. We think of ourselves as almost married. We built a new house, we travel together (and often sleep in the same bed when away), we love each other very much, we wrote our wills leaving everything to each other (even though we both have other family). We don't have kids which might make a difference, but we each value our privacy and often do our own thing. We intend to share the rest of our lives together, but we don't feel compelled to re-marry, at least at t his time. (In the future, who knows?)

"Sleeping together", sharing one bed, suggests a certain intimacy (and sex, of course) but it isn't essential for a healthy intimate relationship. Think of having a marriage to a paraplegic or someone who's health required medical equipment. You wouldn't stop loving them, but sleeping with them might be a problem.

My mother died. Dad (age 87) lives with his lady friend in her house, but he still maintains the family home and can stay there if he feels like it. (This is his second lady friend since Mom died, and they had the same arrangement until she passed away, as well.) My partner's parents had separate bedrooms for years before his Mom died. All these relationships were quite successful, just not "traditional"

I find the judgmentalism here offensive. (I suspect the negative voices are the same people who oppose gay marriage and other non-traditional living arrangements.) It's a new millennium, and long past time for people to be able to find whatever arrangements work for them without all this talk of what "should" be or what is "healthy" or "right"... Just because some people find traditional nuclear families with a dad and a mom sleeping in one bed, having sex to create babies to be what they prefer doesn't mean it works that way for everyone nor that it should.

I am happy to hear this a trend because it really felt lonesome thinking I was the oddball. My separate house desire came early. In about 1956, when the house across the street was up for sale (a rarity in our dinky-ville) I thought my parents should buy it and let me stay in our current house, alone. This idea occurred to me when I was around 5 yrs. old. They were against it.

As a youngish boomer, I still like my own house. And if my S/O and I should marry (it's occasionally under discussion) we have considered buying the house across the street for him. He accepts that beneath my cool or nurturing qualities lurks an unyielding, domestic tyrant. My vote's for LAT!

As for the concern over where guests would stay, they would probably be more comfortable at his place--spare bedroom, 2nd bathroom, no foster cats, et al. My BFF's tho would naturally stay with me. No worries, gardenmuse.

Why do people get their backs up over different ideas about living, if they are so secure in their own lives? Whatever happened to "live and let live?" The only expert on anyone's relationship are the people involved, and who is anyone to say what is healthy for, or brings happiness to, other people? Honestly, who is it hurting that anyone should care enough to even register an opinion?

Some couples do this, and there are probably lots more who at least have separate bedrooms but keep it hidden for fear of judgement of their relationships. I have a lot of respect for couples who can negotiate their needs and trod socially dangerous paths successfully, with love and respect for one another in their hearts.

@ IMRK77: Please take care with your *quotes*. I NEVER SAID "I am not judging but...". Rather I said "we each have to make our own choices and live with the consequences. If it works for you, so be it. No judgement here....I just find it sad that so many are cheating themselves out of so much."
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QUOTE: @discerning seems to have gotten off-track. I don't think you can relate this lifestyle to military or FIFO work at all!! ...... I think it's a shame for people who think intimacy is reserved for the bedroom only, and I actually find that dysfunctional! I think, though, that if children are bought into the relationship then it has to be separate bedrooms/quarters in the one house, with living spaces shared.

@ HINMELB: I agree. You might want to re-read my post. I did NOT relate this to a military lifestyle - I was responding to someone who did.
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QUOTE: I wouldn't call it particularly healthy to want to spend ALL your time with your spouse. Many married couples have different interests, move in different social circles, take separate holidays, and I don't see it as an indication of not caring about the marriage partner or of an unhealthy relationship as long as both parties are OK with the arrangement.

@ I agree wholeheartedly....yet ALL of this can be accomplished under one roof with simple courtesy and consideration for one another. It's not that hard. Really.

oops! *@PEARMELON*

QUOTE: I do wonder though how many people are living together apart - in the same house but barely together - not realizing that their marriages are falling apart?

@HHRI: too many

I'm a late boomer, and was aware of this concept but not the term. My husband and I have been apart a few weeks at a time, when he was on business trips, when we visited distant siblings, and when I was in cardio wards. We use different baths at home, and there's a spare bedroom for getting through colds and other sleeping difficulties. Having permanent separate residences is completely different. From the beginning we rejected options to earn more money by working in different cities. Living apart from my husband would be sad and lonely for us after 37 years of being a couple. We are each other's home.

@radiogirl

I think your sister's situation is different than what is being written about.

I'm only 32 but I think this is the only way I could live.

LAT may not be the best response to sleep problems. When my snoring deprived him of sleep, my husband's encouragement to work harder with my allergist improved quality of life for both of us.

When he needed more and more sleep than me, I moved my clothes into the spare bedroom so as to let him sleep better. He then started having to pull over into parking lots to nap in order to drive safely. I realized that his drowsiness wasn't due to job stress as thought and nagged him into a medical appointment. He was diagnosed as diabetic. Checking out his sleep trouble not only reduced his sleep time to an average amount but improved the quality and length of his life.

When his snoring got worse and worse over the years and my complaints were met with denial, I eventually moved into the spare room to sleep. I told him the truth, that we couldn't afford for me to lose my job because I was too drowsy to work. To get me back, he finally agreed to a sleep lab test. He has severe sleep apnea, so correct diagnosis and treatment again improved his sleep and length of life, and quality of life for both of us.

To the best of my knowledge, I personally know only one LAT boomer couple. Their cats hate each other and the woman is a hoarder. Being unmarried, childless, and without interest in marrying or having kids are other reasons they've been LAT throughout their devoted relationship of many years. They prefer to live alone in tiny apartments. They say they're happy as is and don't want to rock the boat. They're immensely likeable people who love each other. I'd just question the definition of popular in "The arrangement is popular among Baby Boomers."

I think for me - and everyone is different - the perfect master suite would be walk into the shared bedroom with a full bath and closet on each side of the room: his and hers ensuite bathrooms and closets. I can totally sympathize with a previous comment of "he's too hairy"
( <3 ) but I love snuggling up to him. And I have my barn I can and do always escape to :)

I think there just may very well be more people doing this informally than many are willing to admit because many people think there is something wrong with it. Who needs the scrutiny and assumptions... .

Raivyn,

I am curious now how your arrangement is working out. My BF of 8 years and I just split up households after trying to blend our families. We have been taking it slow for years, but in 6 months, his daughter was still not going to join the "household".

I could use some advice from someone who has been in a similar situtation.