This is always peoples' initial reaction to a breakup: get rid of all evidence. I don't think that's always the best thing. It's so drastic. You can't make someone just disappear. Maybe physically, but not emotionally. And it discredits all the good times, of which I'm sure there were many.

I think the best approach is to yes--"treat yourself to that painting he never liked, and cook the meal he never appreciated," and get rid of all the stuff associated with the bad times. But definitely keep all the mementos, pictures, etc. that remind you of the good times.

I do every girly thing imaginable. I watch Marie Antoinette, read Jane Austen and paint my toenails. It's like getting back to your roots!

Never delete the phone number from your phone, especially if it's someone you want to avoid. I've made this mistake before, and there's nothing worse than answering your phone only to realize your ex is on the other end.

After all of the necessary crying "crap-o-la".... I reach out to all of my girlfriends that have NO DOUBT been there through every "unhappy" time we (him and I) have ever had and celebrate NEVER having to have another unhappy moment with "HIM" again..... ;) While out enjoying the nightlife with my chick-a-rellas .....I also, if available, I will kiss the first cute/interesting guy I see....but that's just me....

Then, the next morning.... I deal with not only mentally "evicting" him from my heart..... but physically as well... I personally do not have the heart to just throw things away...right away. But I can pack the memoirs into a nice box to later bravely reminisce on all of the "good" times him and I shared....
I see this is a NYC post..... LOTS of men out there tonight.... LOTS......GO .....girl just GO....even if you do not want to.

A nice colourful new sheet/pillow/comforter cover from ikea is a cheap fun way to change up your room. Oh and mattab is right, never delete the numbers (unless your the one doing the drunk dialing) but rename them to "Ignore the idiot", "not him again", "Drama Queen", "useless", etc helps to ease the pain if they call you...put away the things you might value at a future date and take yourself out on a crazy night with the girlies! If you are reading this website, then you probably have a fun house project that you have been meaning to do for ages. DO IT!!!

I'm married now.

But when I was dating, I would MAIL the guy's stuff back to him. I didn't care how much the postage cost - it sent a very clear message that I wasn't interested in seeing him again. (One ex tried to use the stuff exchange as an opportunity into talking me back into dating him. I learned my lesson.)

I kept the gifts I liked - diamond stud earrings, a necklace, a nice tree skirt and lights (the ex gave me a Christmas tree and trimmings one year). And I gave away/threw away all the gifts I just kept so the guy wouldn't feel bad - the stupid teddy bears, the bad CDs, the ugly sweaters.

But I always kept the photos - or at least the photos in which I looked good.

I always tried to stay single for at least a little while, so I could heal without interruption. I dated here and there, but no serious relationships and NO SEX. I know that most people have the impulse to get into something or at least fool around with someone right away, but it's dangerous because you're still vulnerable from the break-up - even if it was your choice.

Each relationship has value. You learn something from each relationship. And you should never try to forget it all.

I have to keep my ex-husband's name in my phone because of conversations about the kids. So his ring tone is a duck quacking, and his picture is a bison.

I'd go a step further: deleting all evidence is good shock therapy but hardly peace-inducing. it's illusory. and really just about the impulse to protect yourself in the short-term. it's hard enough to remove that certain someone from your thoughts, never mind your physical space. (I'm stuck in that purgatory now!)

like lilipixi, I think that, in the long-run, it may be healthy to revisit the evidence of a former lover. to paraphrase an older fella I know: loss is part of life. it's probably better to make peace with it than to fight it. I know, this view sounds tortured. but, probably truer than any other option.

keep up the good work AW. and peace and love to your ladyfriend.

Plan out one fun thing to do everyday. Whatever makes your friend happy: manicure, bar-hopping, museum going, shopping. When my boyfriend and I broke up it was boredom and loneliness that really took its toll on me, so don't let her have time for wallowing!

The advice "send everything back except the expensive stuff I liked" is very revealing.

When the last ex left, I...

Bought a new bed.
Repainted/redecorated the apartment.
Hired a personal trainer for a year.
Booked a cruise to the Caribbean - and invited an old flame to come along.
(All with the money from the settlement)
;-)

nice pics of Richard Armitage - makes me forget about my ex!

Joan A. your solution and humor on how you've chosen to deal with your ex made me LMAO! Good for you! Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

Joan A.--

Ever wonder what his ringtone and pic for you are??

Patrick! What a very thoughtful comment you left there!

I've never understood the whole exorcism thing. I'm still friends -- or at least on good terms -- with everyone I ever dated seriously (i.e. more than one or two dates). Just because the relationship isn't The One doesn't mean the other person needs to vaporize.

Change passwords! (facebook, email, twitter, bank, amazon, to name a few)

I bought a new bed, pillows and sheets. I also moved the bed to a new position and collected everything he ever gave me and put in a duffel bag stuffed way in the back of my closet.

I can relate to your sentiments, Lisa (Montreal).

But, you've led a laudably discerning love-life, if you've never gotten yourself mixed up with a nogoodnik, durning foolish youth.

Sometimes, exorcism is the sane, mature solution!

personally, I kept packed photos away, but kept all old emails regarding his lying, cheating, and otherwise unthoughtful behaviors - and read them whenever I needed a reminder of WHY i couldn't take him back.

then i went out and bought myself a whole new wardrobe of bras and panties.

Agree with the new sheets and new underwear. Never fails.

WoodNymph, I'm with you!

All new lingerie, a shorter hair cut and the dog I've been talking about for the last year! He always said, "when will you see it, you're not bringing it over here!" I should have known.

In response to "misohungry"...I have to say that it depends on how "good" the relationship actually was. If there were many good times that were all being had under false assumptions (i.e. the bf was living a double life, oslt) then, the thought of those "good times" might just make one want to vomit. My ex bought me a $600 mountain bike, I got rid of almost everything but that bike. I thought about selling it, but why? Now, every time I ride it I chuckle knowing that I came away with something worth much more than what he could have ever given me in a spiritual/emotional sense. I also consider it my compensation for the time I spent blindly accepting every false word. To each his/her own, but after the initial grieving and self-pity, just get rid of all of the dust-collecting crap unless it really serves a positive purpose. If it does, assign that item a role that contradicts the role the ex was playing in your life.

By the way, I see someone really likes Johnny Depp! great choice, I would take him back over and over.

I had one really bad (mutually agreed upon) breakup back in the day. After deleting or throwing away the correspondence from the ex-boyfriend in question (to prevent myself from dwelling), I started my recovery by listing all of my favorite intangible things about my ex. Character traits, habits, the good advice he'd given that one time, and so on. I then resolved to develop some of those things within myself. After all, it is those lovely aspects I'd miss the most, so why not take them with me as part of me and leave the soul-destroying aspects for him to keep. If I caught myself wallowing in sadness too much I volunteered at a local hospital to get my mind back into the things that matter. There was also always movie therapy. And it's important to start laying down great new memories to fade out the ones you'd rather lost their importance to you. For me, this all worked like a charm.

Funny that you are all assuming the need for an exorcism when the ex was a dog.

I've found it harder to figure out what to do with the stuff when you really liked the mo-fo.

When I was single and suffered heartache I would write lists. List of top 10 things I wanted to accomplish in the next 5 years that do not require the assistance of another soul (be it man or woman).

For me it was the sudden change of plans that bothered me the most, even though of course I might miss my ex- the uncertainty of the future was more daunting.

I didn't want to talk to my ex (I didn't delete his phone number so I wouldn't pick up in case he called), but I also didn't want to see his name all the time when browsing through my contacts on the iphone. So I just changed his contact name into "loser".

I don't get the banishing every single momento - I'd be more likely to put it in a box and make myself go through it in a month or two.

I completely agree with not deleting his number - unless you know it by heart and know not to answer it.

I waited until the nausea went away - what really helped was when his parents acknowledged what a horrible person he is - and then I threw, kicked, bounced, spiked and poured each thing into the dumpster one at a time, relishing each different sound and the I repainted the whole place.

I'm going through this right now and all of your comments are helping me out so much! I think Patrick is a bitter ex of someone?

sleggo--

Bitter? Not at all. That was sort of my point... this process is easier when you are bitter or pissed off.

I agree with Patrick...if the other person cheated/lied/pissed you off its easier to use that anger to rid them from your life than if you are still totally in love with the person. A friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend--not because he doesn't love her or any type of drama, but because he's a musician and ALWAYS touring and its hard on both of them. To me (and perhaps Patrick as well) that's a lot harder to get over than if he caught her with another man. Perhaps the devastation factor is higher with a drama-filled exit...but the longing is far worse when the love is still there.

"I've found it harder to figure out what to do with the stuff when you really liked the mo-fo."

I invited my Ex over for cocktails about a year after the breakup...
...and regaled him with stories of my travel and redecorating adventures - I think he felt kinda sad since we broke up because he didn't think he wanted this lifestyle.

I learned that night that post-relationship sex is really, really good.
;-)

Thanks abc123. You got what I was getting at.

And I think I come across less bitter than those who are throwing everything in the dumpster... except the jewelry and expensive mountain bikes. Just sayin'.

bepsf, was the post-relationship sex in your twin-sized bed?? I still don't understand how you sleep in one...

:)

As a Feng Shui consultant I agree with getting rid of everything that was his/hers or gifts from them, photos, letters, emails etc. It's not only about moving on emotionally....the energy of the items remains in your home. If you don't want a new partner some day this is not as crucial but if you do, you need to create the space by removing the old. It's like the clutter clearing suggestions you get to clear out clothing you no longer wear,from your closets, making way for new clothes.

When my last relationship ended I put all the pictures and tokens into the what I call my 'ex boyfriends and husband box'.

I too spruced up my apartment and rearranged my bedroom and re arranged the contents in all the closets and kitchen cabinets. I don't speak to my ex boyfriend or ex husband on a regular basis but we have remained civil and friends so to speak.

I am glad I kept the box with all the pictures, letters, tokens of past boyfriends and ex husband..it was really interesting to go back and read some of the letters my boyfriends from high school and college wrote me..they were steamy and pretty amazing and no one writes letters anymore so I happy I kept them.

never lock the mementos and love letters in a box for future...future what? future ghosts emerging from pandora's box opened a decade later and haunting you? eeek! this recently happened to me. i gracefully forgot only to open it and torture myself later! and you will be as the memories flood back in, especially with stuff unresolved, yet the person is not the same one you have these memories with, and nothing can be done about time that has passed. it gets very confusing.

so, if the good stuff is 'really' there at the core btw the two of you, you will reconcile someday and there will not be a need to remember, you will create new experiences with the past behind you. who doesn't like a clean slate? who needs a guy (or gal) coming out of the woodwork years later and telling you 'remember? we were in looooove?' why oh why tell me this now?

have a little purifying fire ceremony and invite close friends over so they too can bring their x's stuff. or donate it, or recycle it (make sure you shred it first) there are many creative ways to get rid of things and it feels liberating.
DON'T drag that box of stuff through every freaking move...unless you are a masochist... or like baggage! ;-)

n.zbik, for nostalgia in the far future it can be nice to keep things. I had an ex boyfriend that used to write me the most amaaaazing poetry. I threw them all out and now I regret it. I no longer have feelings for him--so there are no open wounds or torturous feelings of needing "closure"-- and it would have been nice to have those words from a love once had. Especially since I haven't dated a poet since. How many people can say they inspired love poems that are actually GOOD?

ps - would it not suck to meet a potential new partner and fall in love with them only to find out one day they have a box of all their x's? ...enshrined...in a time capsule...eewww.
polyamory is not the issue, ghosts are!
but then i can't help to wonder about myself?...being a photographer and lugging around all my old negs wherever i go...oops! LOL!

I would actually have more questions for someone who hated all of their exes than someone who kept a few mementos of good times.

abc123, since this post is called how to exercise an x from your abode, i assume also your life, i thought i'd stick to the subject and contribute from my own recent experience...with some humor.
but, yes, not all x's are the same just like not all relationships are the same.
if you feel inspired by love letters and poetry that reminds you of the good things and makes your life fuller, then great :-) i thought that too, hence i kept love letters to remind me that there were very 'good' things about it even tho the break up was extreme and fated.
however years later this person in his own way discredited these good things upon re-entering my life and i felt like a real idiot for believing in fantasy (he lied to me) and almost getting sucked back into it!

sometimes there is worthwhile reason to keep something, like a shoe that fits, or the ring from your grandma that you really love but don't wear...and keep it because you loved her.
you will know what is good for you by having a good feeling around these objects, other times exorcism is due, like the title states :-)

as for me, i'm at a place in my life where 'less is more'..as in 'more room for more new experiences' to enter into my life! cheers! :-D

good for you n.zbik

Here's one for the ouch file. While on Craigslist looking for a new bed, I found an ad for one that seemed to be just what I was looking for. However, when I looked at the photo... yep, you guessed it, my oh-so-recent-ex had posted the ad, and was selling "our" bed.

Ouch is right, jeanneadele.

The temptation to get revenge through Craigslist ... was it too great to resist? I'm imagining advertising some macho item, "barely used," or selling something he would miss. Oh, or by crafting a f4m designed to appeal to his unbearable, annoying quirks?

Probably not worth the effort, anyway, it's just such a shame about the bed.

Haha, P(TOO)! I would laugh if I thought he had enough of a sense of humor to do something like have a picture of Cruella DeVil in my spot on his phone, or make me sound like a monkey. But he doesn't. Too bad for him. And I have not shown his listing in my phone to the kids, so it's just a private joke between me and everyone on Apartment Therapy.

Thinking of the 'ouch' that jeanneadele mentioned, it makes sense to switch beds if that's a possibility; that's a significant way to "exorcise the ex" and move forward.

Put the horrible breakup emails into a file or box marked "If I ever think about getting back together with this loser." Insurance!