This is a time I would have to really get nasty. Unless I say make yourself at home sit like fido and behave otherwise I will show you the door in which you came.

I have to be nice to people in public, not in my home.

IMO, a guest doing these things if you said "Make yourself at home, find us some wine and can you help me figure out how to set up playlists on iTunes while I change my clothes" is just fine...

...but if not, your new friend needs to learn the concept of "Boundaries".

I would find that a huge invasion of privacy, and being such a private person, and someone who takes great pride in an orderly home i would find it VERY offputting to have someone rumage through whatever they feel like.

There are exceptions, but in general it's off limits. I would never do that to someone else's personal things.

When I read the first half of your post, I thought I would love it if my good friends felt at home enough in my house to kick back and make themselves comfy.

But when I read that this was a "relatively new friend" it gave me the willies.

It sounds to me like you've got someone on your hands with a poor understanding of the social norms most people live by.

I wouldn't put up with that from family members, much less someone I'd only recently met.

I would never do that in someone else's home, but it also wouldn't bother me if someone did it in mine. As long as they don't open the goodie drawer next to the bed, it's all good. I think the ultimate compliment of how comfy your home is is if a friend falls asleep curled up with a blanket on my chair or sofa.

I would be totally cool if it was my best friend (who rarely makes it to my apartment), but otherwise, I would be creeped out.

I have a friend from HS who checks the fridge at my parents' house first thing (now I only see her when I'm visiting them as she still lives in my home town). With her, you just have to roll your eyes and say, "Well, that's Kelly..." Some people are just bold and I guess if you want to stay friends with them, you either deal or stop inviting them over.

Only my Mom can make herself this comfortable at my place --- I'd be completely taken aback if someone acted this way in my home.

After working as a live-in nanny for 4 different families in 6 years, I actually found myself being that person. Ok, no iTunes playlist making, but I'd help myself to a drink from the fridge, check the cabinet for snacks, and turn on the tv if left alone at a friend's house. I've mostly recovered my sense of boundaries for others' homes, but it did take some time.

I guess from that experience, my sense of boundaries for my own space shifted. I don't mind if a guest helps themselves to the cabinets/fridge/cooks me dinner and/or finds a good song or movie for us. I'm even ok with them grabbing a book off the shelf or magazine/newspaper off the table. The medicine cabinet in the bathroom is also not off limits. I do, however, feel very protective of my computer - it feels more private than my kitchen - so surfing the net or making iTunes playlists would make me uncomfortable. It's happened, and I just redirected their attention while I put the laptop away.

As long as it's a good friend, then it's fine. I love it when it gets to the point where friends know my house pretty much as well as I do and if they want water, or anything else, they get up and get it themselves.

If it's a brand new person, that's just weird.

I'm inconsistant; it depends on who it is. My husband's college roommate does it (probably because they were roommates) and although it weirded me out at first, I decided he was well-behaved and stopped caring, and he can get his own glass of water if he wants.

A friend-of-a-friend I don't like very much, however, started bustling around and even though she was trying to be helpful I suppressed the urge to tell her to get the &^!! out of my kitchen. I guess it's the presumption that bothers me... anyone who thinks I like them well enough to let them do this, when I don't, just irks me.

And don't get me started about family. They do things I'd never do in their home, but then, that's because I grew up in their home; they didn't grow up in mine. Somehow that difference in ... rank?... gives my Dad a license to eat all the cookies. (And then refuse the meal I cooked my family.)

My question is, how do you nicely tell a person like this to cut it out? I guess "Oh let me get that!" and "Are you looking for something?" would work when someone's straying out of bounds, but sometimes I just want to ask, "What the heck did you do with my cookies??"

Opening a bottle of wine or scoping out the fridge is one thing, messing around on someone's computer without their explicit permission is another. You better watch this new friend of yours. Next thing you know s/he will be snooping around in your medicine cabinet or 'borrowing' things.

I generally never touch anything in someone else's home (including friends) unless I'm invited to do so. I thought this was a pretty firm social norm.

i'm thrilled when my friends feel comfortable enough in my apartment that they can relax and REALLY make themselves at home because they are my friends. now i'd probably feel uncomfortable if it were someone i didn't know too well.
and it's mainly because i HATE going to someone's place and feeling like i can't touch anything; i sit there twiddling my thumbs on the couch. i love when people come over and start inspecting my collections, grab a glass of juice and browse my bookshelf. other people's comfort makes me feel more comfortable.
but i guess it just all comes down to how good a friend they are...

I feel like my perspective on this might be different because I'm young and have recently spent four years living in dorm and student-apartment type situations where this wouldn't be unusual. (When your bed is the only couch and you share a bedroom, things are different)

Now I have my own big-girl apartment not on a college campus, so the rules are a little different, but I want people to feel at home in my place. With someone I just met I might be a little taken aback, but I certainly wouldn't insist they be on their best behavior either. It would also be different if I had a home with a greater separation between public and private space, in my tiny apartment there is very little of that.

I absolutely drew the line at coming home to find strangers (roommate's friends) sitting in my bed, looking at my music collection.

@wanderinglight--thanks for making me laugh out loud. In any case, I want guests to make themselves comfortable, but not by rummaging through closed drawers or peering inside closets. Even my live-in sweetheart understands that my closet is my private domain. He has his small study/music room that I only enter when invited. I have the sunroom where I write and paint. We're each responsible for maintaining our own areas and we give each other space and privacy--essential for two artists to coexist. As for the boundary crossing acquaintance mentioned in the post, I'd either choose not to invite him over again or preempt by offering what I'm prepared to offer, and gently making it clear that the rest of the house is off limits.

Ay, I went to visit a friend once and we went camping. I left my computer charging in her apartment and while we were at our camp she told me that one of her roommates is a snoop but she felt she couldn't say anything to her for fear of causing weirdness. So when we got back to her apartment I found that my charger was off of my computer and missing. I am not the kind of person that let's stuff like that pass by, even if I was a guest in that apartment. So when I saw her roommate I called her on it and she said that it was her charger. The Mac she has does not come with the same charger that my Mac does so she eventually fessed up and said that they looked so much alike that it was an honest mistake. To which I curtly replied that it was hooked up to my computer and she would have had to remove it and take it, so how could that be a mistake. She eventually gave it back to me, but she had taken it to her bf's house AND, AND, she brings it back to me in a coiled and knotted mess. Some people have no boundaries and they need someone to call them on it or else they won't learn. Of course I apologized to my friend for causing a little bit of a scene but she assured me that someone had to do it. So sometimes guests can be the victim of bad manners too.

None of my friends would ever do that! I have some distant relatives who probably would, but I don't maintain contact with them anyway.

If someone behaves in a disrespectful manner in my home (and getting too comfortable too quickly is definitely disrespectful) they certainly will not be invited back.

the computer thing is horrifying.

I've had people hop on my computer without asking and I have a silent rage/anxiety/panic attack. I HATE THAT. Just ask, then its fine. But I paid a lot of money and take good care of my computer and prefer people not treating my house like a public library.

Other stuff - whatever - help yourself, dig through my books, open drawers, pour the vodka.

Just don't touch my goddamn computer without asking.

It would *really* depend on which friends. Some of my friends are so close (emotionally, not physically, sadly) that they walk in and help themselves to pretty much anything, and that's fine, and even welcome. I am even willing to occasionally relinquish supremacy in the kitchen. Sometimes.

Others, though, that would really freak me out. If they hop onto my computer, that's fine, but the bedroom is off limits without invitation, and the fridge... well, it depends, I think. ...yeah. This is a very *very* situational thing.

Going through books/DVD's/refrigerator/closet whatever, is all fine with me. Take off your shoes grab a brewsky...
But making an iTunes playlist? Not even my significant other would touch my computer without asking me first. That is an off limits area.

My first thought was not just the rude nature of this particular incident, but that you'd better be careful in the future. People like that often take intangible things (your time, your energy, your heart) just as easily. And show no respect for those things either.

the topper of all toppers... a relative was visiting and was going to be doing their own thing for the day (my son and i had plans that they knew about in advance). there was only one bathroom in the apartment i used to rent and it was getting on time that my little guy and i had to begin getting ready to go (the relative knew this... we had even discussed that morning what time i needed to leave the house).

sooo... as i'm ironing our clothes, said relative comes past me, heading straight toward the bathroom, with not just "a" book in his hand, but no less than 6 books, a fried egg sandwich, thermos of coffee, his ipod, and a large bottle of bubble bath.

i stared in amazement as he's precariously juggling these items toward the only bathroom in the joint and say "HEY! we have to get ready to GO, REMEMBER????"

If I like the person, I'd be fine with them doing pretty much anything, except rummaging through my dirty laundry. If they are comfortable and happy, it makes ME comfortable and happy.

But if I'm not a fan of the person, I would gently remind them of personal space, such as closing my bedroom door, and turning on the computer monitor as soon as they have stopped using it.

Wow. None of this would bother me, at all. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a horrible guest myself.

I'm having this issue with my boyfriend's mother. I bought a house in December and she has definitely taken to making herself at home. Within the first two months she came in from out of town and stayed the night every other weekend. Since my boyfriend did not pay for half of the house, and because we are not married, boundaries needed to be set. While she still makes herself at home in the kitchen (not too big of a deal since I'm not a cook), she now stays in a hotel.

I might add, if someone is dog/house sitting for me I tell them to make themselves at home... otherwise, I like being an attentive hostess. Get comfortable, enjoy yourself, but please don't go through my things without permission.

Getting comfortable enough to prop your feet up, maybe even turning on some music, and getting themselves something to drink I'd all feel comfortable with because hey it's something I would do.

Now making their own playlist on your itunes, opening up your wine, going through all your things...that's hitting a boundary and if it's not my parents, they would probably be asked to leave.

Generally, I'd be happy. I host at home a lot, and I always am relieved and pleased when a guest doesn't need to be fully babysat. It frees me up to do my own thing without having to worry that they are bored or thirsty. I appreciate that people are willing to come over to my place and socialize on my turf.

There are things that would be over the line, e.g. rummaging through my bedroom drawers would be bad. But as far as I am concerned, the kitchen, living room and bathroom are all common spaces. They are meant to be shared with family and guests alike.

haha posting again! That last part sounded like I have a stick up my butt. DVDs, books, whatever else is all fair game to a guest. I basically agree with the people about computers and personal items like bathroom stuff or any drawers.

i once watched my aunt rifle through my (family's) kitchen cabinets and fridge. she made off with some tea bags and cold fried chicken. i couldn't believe that.

i don't mind people using my computer with permission but i find it irksome when there are programs open that i keep off the desktop like alternate browsers and stuff.

opening of doors/drawers is a no-no (BIG no-no) but i assume that every guest opens the medicine cabinet and looks behind the shower curtain. people just do that.

"just don't touch my goddamn computer without asking." -moepong

hahahaha I'm still cracking up!!! So true! Not my husband, nor my kids come near my computer! OH NO! Gah! Don't even go there... you can even go in my medicine cabinet, fine. Touching your Itunes??? What kind of monster is this? Hopefully he's not an overnighter!

Which is one reason you must not make your guest room TOO comfortable.

A new friend came over with vegetables to have with dinner and promptly made herself at home and started cooking. I was delighted that I didn't have to hold her hand and reassure her that she wasn't offending me or overstepping as she browsed through my fridge and cabinets to familiarize herself with what I had on hand. I'd much prefer somebody jump right in than feel so uncomfortable that it starts making me nervous.

To go along with that, I would also have no trouble telling someone to keep their sticky mittens out of my drawers if they were being far too forward. Or if I couldn't muster the guts, I'd probably just decide to cool the budding friendship to 'meeting out' dates.

The computer is a BIG pet peeve of mine. I don't like people resizing my browsers and leaving crap on my desktop, etc. I have a "Guest" user account on my computer so people can use that.

As for the opening things, my general rule is...If it's not open, then you need to ask before you open in. This goes for wine, food, drawers, cabinets, bedroom doors, etc.

Me and my closest friends from college ALL do those things to each other, and I think its great, as long as both parties are happy and comfortable with it. Normally we just shout out before doing stuff, but they are not questions asking for permissions, they are more like statements. It will be like "Hey Im getting water. I'm gonna go on the internet. Hey I'm eating this."

If they are my close friends, yeah why not. I would actually encourage it to some degree to make my life easier.

But if it's someone I just met, whoa back off.

uugghh! i hate it when this happens. no matter how close you are to a friend, it is not polite to make yourself at home unless your told so. it is not just annoying but it makes you realize if that person is truly a friend if he/she makes themselves at home. at one point, i brought home a friend and he immediately entered the kitchen and opened up the fridge to look for something to drink and snacks. at this point i wanted to get rid of him immediately so i asked him, why don't we just go out and grab some fastfood. and he said, "no, lets just stay here" ggrrrrrr it pissed me off so much i just made myself look busy so he'll leave. when he invites me to his house, i just wait til he offers me food or use the computer. i usually just sit on the couch politely.

I have two big limits: kitchen and computer.

If I tell you not to go in my kitchen (because I'm growing bean sprouts in the sink, haven't washed the dishes in a day or two, need to organize, etc), don't go in my *(@#&*$ kitchen. A date did this once and I ended it shortly after, mostly because there was no respect for my boundaries, physical or otherwise. Don't go in my kitchen when we're hanging out in the living room and you get hungry. Just don't. The apartment is 500 square feet and it's all I have.

Computers. No. I don't care who you are, you don't need to be on my laptop. Plain and simple.

My space. Not yours.

This is so funny, I have to join the "touch my computer and die!" chorus. Go ahead and rummage through the medicine cabinet... but even my BF and I will get snippy when we have to use the other's computer and things get changed around. So if a friend went in without asking... !!! I always say yes when my friends do ask, but I have to admit it secretly bugs me just to have them on my computer even with permission, and even with a guest account. So silly.

Anyway, the people we have over frequently/visit frequently are *really* close friends (I mean, these are people I share clothes with, have traveled with, etc.) so I don't care what they do/use... and on the flip side, when you have a big party, you have to accept some loss of privacy and just put things away really well beforehand if you don't want them poked through. Come on, we all know that people will peek in cabinets at parties! It's human nature. So it's hard for me to even imagine being in this situation... but if I were I would be unhappy. I like the little guest-host etiquette dance. =)

I dunno. My friend's new girlfriend made dinner at my house recently and I was glad she felt comfortable opening drawers and cabinets to find what she needed.

But wine? No way. You have no idea what that bottle means to me, or if its even mine. (I'm even married, but there is a bottle in the pantry right now that was a gift to my husband. Could have cost $5 but I don't get to just open it because I feel like a glass of wine.)

And I happen to really not like people putting feet on things. I think you have to find your balance though, between just correcting them ("Oh, I think that is N's wine. I might have some juice, though.") and letting it go.

I take it as a compliment when someone feels comfortable in my home, but I guess it all depends. With my close friends who are over all the time, they have free reign of anything and if they hadn't already opened the wine, I'd be concerned.

I guess I would expect someone to ask permission at least two different times before just making the assumption. Then, I'd appreciate a heads up (Hey I'm gonna open this wine in the fridge or I'm gonna check my email really quick) a few more times. After that, mi casa es su casa!

the computer is the most important thing when it comes with privacy. the browser has all the bookmarks, saved passwords and usernames, visited sites, etc. and when someone touches it without permission i quickly pull them out of it or asks them to close firefox and use explorer since i dont use explorer therefore i dont have any saved history in it.

I must be a control freak. I get really, really antsy when people start touching my things!

I once had a friend come over for drinks with my boyfriend and I- a male friend, mind you, whom I was never particularly close with. The second he got there he took his shoes and socks off and sprawled out on my couch (which was really the only convenient seating in the apartment). My guy and I sat on the floor! The best part was when he got up in the middle of the conversation, announced that he was tired, and requested the use of our guest room and one of my boyfriend's shirts. No wait... the best part was that he slept in all morning and we had to wait around for him to leave!

However, I think that people who get overly familiar with pets are even weirder- I get really angry when strangers come into my house and think they can pick up my cat or tease her. Yuck. I don't blame her for hissing!

ok i'd like to add something. turning on the tv and sitting in the living room is fine do whatever as long as you dont put up your feet on the couch. the word comfortable in someone elses home would mean that he/she is relaxed and will grab food in the kitchen only when told/offered.

@shockthebourgeouis - you win, hands down. best anecdote ever. may i recommend assertiveness training for couples? ;)

A distant cousin is a fridge gazer. I know her well enough to tell her food is not love.

I've let several children know that they should remain very uncomfortable in my house when they visit. My computers and fitness equipment are like toothbrushes - not to be shared with other people.

I remember something similar happening a while back. My father and I were eating lunch in the kitchen and noticed something moving in our backyard. Curious, we peered out of the window. Imagine our surprise when we realized that it was a family friend (also a neighbor) who was going through our family garden, snatching some of our basil, rosemary and mint!

Though we're more than willing to share, we want to be in control of when and what we're sharing. Make yourself at home, but only if invited.

There are very few people who would be able to really feel at home. And I still would assume, that for example my bedroom is off limit, unless I clearly stated "oh, it's on the left bedside table, go and take it by yourself if you want" or something similar.

Other people? living room is open - look at my books if you want, pick up whatever is on coffee table etc. Even if people don't have to really ask me if they can have some water, I just expect that they would something like "I will get some water if you don't mind". I would do the same, I just can't imagine going straight to someone's kitchen and taking whatever I want.

My computer can be used only after my offer or agreement. It's one of the most private thing, I want to make sure that for example I don't have a website open that I don't want anyone to see for whatever reason. Same as you don't go through someone's letters or so.

Generally - I prefer to be overly cautious, polite and ask whenever I want to go somewhere, take, pick up something and so on - I would expect the same kind of behavior from my guests.

I enjoy it when my friends are comfortable enough to grab a blanket and curl up on the sofa; to grab a soda/juice/water from the fridge; or to peek at what's on television. Looking at displayed DVDs or books is fine too whether you're a friend or a (new) guest. Opening wine without asking? Totally rude. Using my computer? Totally off-limits (unless you've asked and then it's perfectly fine). Those, to me, are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. I'd find that annoying from my friends and really disconcerting by someone I did not know well.

I think the general rule is, always ask, wait to get an offer of "make yourself at home" before assuming you can do anything other than sit down. If someone isn't savvy enough to offer, then ask, may I have something to drink, etc.

I have one friend who is very comfortable with having people drop in, walk right in her door anytime. I've had to tell her repeatedly that I am NOT comfortable with this, and prefer a call before coming over. Unless I am expecting someone, when it's perfectly fine to walk in after a brief warning doorbell ring.

relaxing on my couch is one thing, but on my computer... OOOOOH NO.

yeah well i wouldnt want to be good friends with anyone who was too uptight

minus the computer/itunes bit (which is never okay for me unless they ask and i let them) the rest would be fine only if it were a) my mom, or b) one of my very closest friends.

otherwise, what you described is ill-mannered and socially inept.

Like everyone else it depends.
I actually arranged everything here to feel comfortable as much for me as for my friends : the cookies are now in a transparent glass jar on the counter, I always have clementines or apples in compotes on the coffee table, and I leave a bottle of sparkling water as well as a carafe of tap water with glasses on the table. I don't really even mind if they use the computer, since I rarely leave really private stuff on the desktop and they aren't noisy.

Oh I on writing this just remembered one anecdote from several years ago.

With a close friend once I chance encountered this girl I had seen once or twice (her roomate was a distant friend). She had locked her keys in her building, and since it was during the vacations (this was in university) no one could open the door to her. She sort of forced me into keeping her for the night (repeating things like "well, I guess I'll have to sleep in my car...). I wasn't very keen on having her at home because she was a bit weird, nice but weird (imagine a very naïve looking girl who loved communicating with trees and whose name was Elfy, no kidding, it was really her name).
Since I was going out I said well if can help you, but I'm going out with a friend so i won't be home until late. You can come with us or you can find me afterwards.
She answered that she was tired and prefered waiting for me... "à la maison" (which implicitly suggests in French both "at our place" and "at the house"!).
So I walked all the way back with her, and my friend, and once at home I installed the sofa-bed and was going to leave (freaking out that this unknown girl was in my house). Before leaving she actually said, showing my friend who was smoking, "before leaving could you put some incense, the smoke is disturbing me". I didn't have any so I took a ordinary candle and said it was anti-tobacco (my smoking friend actually said "That candle is scented? and I answered with big eyes towards her "YES it's a scented candle"!!) and we left.
Useless to say we stayed barely an hour out, and when I was back she was reading an art book (this I don't mind at all), and I went to bed.
She woke me up at 3 in the morning asking me for lotion against a mosquito bite... and the next day she asked If I could lend her a few books... my art books are sacred for me and I rarely lend them to friends. Before I could chose the ones, she had already chosen four, two of which weren't even mine! And then I had to pretend I was going to work for her to leave me... but she came to find me afterwards and asked me to give her lessons in art history, seriously I was beginning to think she wanted to move in. Of course I didn't bring her back to my place, and I went with her to find a friend who worked at the museum (I pretended it was necessary for me, but she wouldn't leave, and psychologically I needed some sort of witness). A week later she gave me all the books back (I can't remember how) and I actually never saw her again. The funny thing is that my collegue at the museum told me she had showed up again asking her to teach her about art too, and was actually a bit annoyed that I had presented her.

I guess this counts as off limits, otherwise make yourself at home :-)

Just have to pop back on the thread and second the pets comment above. It's best to be invited to pet the dog/cat/whatever or to ask permission. It could be a matter of safety (for both animals and humans) as well as politeness.

Wow! This is obviously a very important topic. I've never seen so many comments, nor such a wide range. Definitely food for thought about being a good guest and a good host.

I would never do this, but my one exception would be when a very close friend has a new baby.

In that case I'm happy to wash the dishes, straighten up a little bit and make the tea while she puts her feet up. I wouldn't rummage around in bedroom drawers but I would chuck socks in the laundry basket, put toys back into the toy box, and wipe the kitchen counters and the stove top.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves! My father in-law's favorite past-time is to walk into our house and start inspecting everything. He even rummaged through our stuff once and found a pack of my husband's cigarettes, and promptly lit up in our smoke-free home. I don't care how close I am with someone, it's just polite to ask if you can go into the fridge, or into a cabinet, etc. I have friends who would be perfectly okay with me walking right into their homes and making myself comfortable. And they even say, "You don't have to ask...help yourself!" But I still ask every time, because that's polite.

i would be horrified, but i'm uptight like that.

'make yourself comfortable' does not mean 'go through my stuff'

but, when i go visti my parent i often use their kitchen as if it's mine and watch whatever i want on tv...i'm still in my 20s so it still sorta feels like my house.

I've learned to relax, but it wasn't easy. My bf's and my apartment is the best one for having meals with our group of friends as everyone else is living with roommates or in small studios. What started out as a every-once-in-awhile thing has turned into a weekly tradition of friday night dinners at our place.

I used to stress out about making sure every one was OK and it was exhausting. Now, people come over early and cook their dinner contribution in our kitchen (sometimes even making the main course) and I sit on the couch and drink wine while quietly observing from my vantage point that no catastrophes occur.

I think that breaking down the guest/host barrier has resulted in even closer friendships and has made our home even warmer than it was before. Sometimes I still have to take a deep breath before someone starts using my new oven, but if you can't trust your friends? Who can you trust?

Did that person really do all those things?

Looking at books or DVDs if they are out on shelves is fine. Encouraged, in fact. It's one way to get to know someone.

My feeling is--if it's out in the open and not breakable, it's fair game.

Consumables (wine,food, etc) except with family & close friends are not fair game.

Anything put away, in a drawer, closet, cabinet, on a computer, etc., is not fair game.

Changing radio stations is not fair game, but changing TV stations is. Don't ask me why!

Oh...and if they want to wash my dishes in the sink they can stay forever!!!

Bruce563 -- OMG that is so insane - if they didn't want anyone to look at their pictures, they shouldn't have been out in plain view.

I think we all have two groups of people when we answer how we feel about people doing things in our home.

The close family and close friends we don't care quite as much - like I'd be almost saddened if they felt they had to ask me before grabbing a bottle of water or a soda or helping themselves to some cookies in the cookie jar. They know to let themselves feel at home. My computer though I still like to be asked - and my bedroom is fully off limits.

The extended family and random friends, I expect to be asked before they start getting too comfortable. If I invited you in, I expect you'll make yourself comfy but will ask before grabbing things. It's not like I would say no - I just like being asked.

The big thing that bugs me if someone borrows a movie - I've been burned on that one by family by them borrowing it and then claiming its theirs. So those things are off limits - you may look but do not touch.

So, as I am living in Hungary, I can add two things to the conversation:

First, I have a Mac, it's rare here. So people would rather touch a snake then my computer :)

Second, people already mentioned the "open rule" - that is, whatever is out and on display is fair game for guests. Books on a shelf, yes; clothes inside a drawer, no. I agree, but I have to add that all food and drink fall into my "open" category. I think it's a hospitality thing - god forbid anyone should lack for wine or crackers or an old mini-yogurt from the back of the fridge or etc while in my home!

Wow, so many comments!
My two cents would be that I am generally more lenient towards my guests than I expect my hosts to be towards me.
As a guest, I don't touch anything, always offer to help, and the most I can do when left alone (besides feel extremely out of place) is walk a bit around the room, looking at books and pictures (no hands).
As a host, I expect the guest to feel comfortable and help themselves to anything they have open access to. That means that my computer and my bedroom are off limits. If it's an overnight guest, I show them around and point out everything they're welcome to use (fridge, cookie jar, bath supplies, books, blankets) - and after that no permission is needed.
I had to set up a guest account on my laptop recently after someone borrowed it for a while (to prepare a presentation with their own files) and then I saw that my files had been opened and moved. I felt violated!

I want all my friends and family to be "refrigerator friends", as we call them. "Refrigerator friends" are friends who can come in, open the fridge, and ask "what'd you got to eat?"

I want people to feel free to come in and get themselves something to drink or help themselves to whatever's in the fridge. We don't have expensive or sentimental wine (or any other beverage for that matter), so it's never an issue. If it's there, help yourself.

My husband & I each have laptops that stay in the bedroom but there is a desktop in the living room we use for music. Guests are welcome to pick or make a playlist, surf the net, whatever. We don't keep personal info on that computer, so it doesn't feel like a violation of personal space. Anything we don't want people going through stays in the bedroom, where we don't socialize.

Maybe we're just really weird but we want people to feel as comfortable at our home as we do. Take your shoes off, play with the dog (don't tease or be mean!), look through the books or DVDs. Help me cook or cook for me! I'm SO not protective of the kitchen. It makes me happy when friends come over and just help themselves; that we've finally reached that level of familiarity.

I have a friend who is a repeat offender when it comes to boundaries. One time we had several friends over for our regular game night. I saw him eyeing a drawer where I keep my "stuff" - I couldn't even tell you exactly what all is in there - and sure enough a minute later he reached over and opened the drawer. He closed it and saw me looking at him and he looked embarrassed. "I just wanted to know what was in there." I looked at him a moment longer then we both went back to the game. Part of what makes it difficult with this particular friend is he used to live with my husband years ago so he uses roommate standards for boundaries even with *my* stuff. We finally got out of the habit of waiting on him to go somewhere because we were giving him rides "because it will be easier" (his words). Oy.

I don't mind if it's something in the kitchen or living room. That's fair game for guest to find whatever they are looking for. My bedroom though, now that's personal.

This reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld....it was the Bizarro Jerry episode. Elaine becomes friends with her ex-boyfriend and while over his place makes herself as comfortable as she does when she's over Jerry's apartment, but her new friend does not appreciate her going into his fridge and helping herself to whatever food is there. The final straw is when she pushes him to the ground with her normal "Get Out" catchphrase.

Wow, a lot of responses here and so many have similarities. I have a life long friend and we both are close enough to be like brothers that he always insists I be comfortable around his place and has had me house sit for them on several occasions, saying help yourself to what's in the fridge or freezer and has allowed me to borrow the computer and I always respect their stuff for never change settings or use any of their favorites or bother any of their files as I generally use it to check email, look something up online or check/update my blog, that kind of thing.

When I had a friend and his BF stay with me several years ago, both were quite respectful of my things and we did things together as Keith had never been to Seattle, Dan grew up in Spokane but went to college up in Bellingham and would drive down to Seattle on the weekends. Dan did use my computer to check email and update his journal but that was largely it as we were out and about and they had keys to the my unit and the building so they can come and go as needed. It all worked out and we ate out most of the time.

I hope I'm being a good host when I have people over and generally find that the bedroom is off limits unless circumstances warrant otherwise, the bathroom, main room and kitchen are not off limits but most people that I've had over do ask for a glass of water if I haven't already offered. No one's turned on the TV (never on unless we are watching a movie), never made any playlist as I don't do the iPod thing or have riffled through my music other than to just look and see what I have, that is perfectly fine.

But to just help themselves to anything and everything without asking if it's OK first (ie, is it OK to open this bottle of wine etc if something is questionable and that's only fair) but please, do feel comfortable in my home but DO respect boundaries when there and DO not expect to be viewing the TV unless a movie is the order of the night.

I agree with Charlotte. If you have something out in the open (a book, photos, magazine, candy in a dish on the coffee table) it's implied that guests are welcome to look at or use it. Anything they can't see (a room with a closed door, drawers and cabinets, content on a computer) should only be viewed or touched if permission is granted. That includes changing TV channels, unless it's already on when they get there and you're busy and aren't watching it. Guests should leave someone else's home as they found it, unless given permission to change it. This includes eating/drinking things the host doesn't offer, making scuffs on the coffee table with their shoes, rearranging stuff, etc.

To me, these are the default social norms when visiting someone's house. If someone is unsure as to how comfortable they should make themselves, I think it's wise to start with these boundaries and go from there, based on what your host tells you is OK. Of course, past experiences have significance -- if you're visiting a friend who has made it clear in the past to make yourself at home, that offer doesn't necessarily expire.

I am wondering how many people are like me - the shoes off policy as soon as you enter (unless you are staying like ten secs and that would be silly).

Yes take your shoes off when you are in someones house. I remind people if they dont. Its is such an obvious polite thing to do. Seem to me, that its not so common in America, not sure why, but to me I always remove my shoes at someone home. The streets are not clean, the car is not clean, the public bathroom is not clean, the garden is not clean. The least you can do is remove your dirty shoes. And yes they will be dirty.

I also cant stand people flossing or cutting their fingernails outside the bathroom. Ive had guests do that in my living room.

marie storm -- It was something we never did in my childhood home and lots of people still don't, but a lot of the people in my life don't like people to wear shoes in their place. It is usually for keeping their floors clean (this strides strong in apartment dwellers and people have done a lot of renovations on their house) - but also to keep the noise of people walking around down.

I have the policy at my place mostly to keep the sound down (we rent an upstairs apartment) and maybe a little to keep people from tracking in anything that I will need a vacuum for.

Yeah it is all a matter of how you grew up I guess. I was taught that besides slippers, shoes is something you wear outside. Plus we had carpets, and with 4 kids in the house my mom was just trying to keep the floors clean.
It didnt use to bother me so much, if people kept them on. But I never really understood why keep them on. after I had a child, and with all the crawling around and putting things in his mouth, it is a rule. Everybodys shoes come off. Shoes regardless if they are not muddy or dusty are full of germs and dirt. Not something I want him touching or eating. It does also keep the noise down, I also live in an apartment.