apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

Read the introduction to the Apartment Therapy book! Maxwell describes a story where he helps a man going through the exact same thing. Apparently he had been sleeping in his living room because the bedroom was too emotional. Heartwarming story.

While not a breakup, I did recently experience spousal death. My suggestion is to buy a new bed as heather suggested. If not the entire thing, then a new mattress, sheets, etc. Also, weird as it sounds, try buying a new toilet seat and especially in a new color.

I also changed the voice mail greeting and bought some new lingerie and changed my hair color and cut a bit. It's amazing how the little things help you move forward.

Best of luck. Time helps.

Nicole,
You are absolutely right. Thanks for the reminder about the book's intro!

At least change the pillows and bedding. His smell will really hold you back.

I like Heather's suggestion of getting new sheets. High thread count + quality white cotton (Pima or Egyptian) sheets always make me feel better. Re-accessorizing with new pillows is a pretty quick and cheap makeover. If on a budget, you can find some good deals at overstock.

For a relatively cheap redo, rearrange the bedroom and redo the master bathroom. Change the shower curtain, towels, rugs, etc. Get a new duvet or comforter and new drapes.

If you have another bedroom in the house you might consider swapping rooms for a while, using the current bedroom for a different purpose could work in reclaiming the space as entirely your own. And I agree with changing linens/colors/general decor. It's helped me in the past.

This happened to me in August. I move to a new place, but with all the same things, so it still felt wierd. Repaint the room a new color that is totally you, get new bedding, and add accessories that give the room a more girly vibe so it feels like your's. I also painted the dresser and night stand white. Now my bedroom is one of my favorite spots!

Well, presumably you were involved in the process of making the room what it is- so I see no reason to remove all trace, unles this was a particularly vile relationship and you can't bear to be reminded of it.

What everyone said about sheets makes sense. I think a few coats of paint would be a great start. Mostly because it's the best way to make a major change in a room, but also because the process of painting and its attendant smells strike me as therapeutic.

Jackie--so sorry for your loss...

ocgirl: Thanks :). I only mentioned it because I've learned that we just have to go forward no matter what and M's breakup might be rather devastating for her. If I can help, then fine. Besides, its been enough time...there's a gift in everything.

I was serious about the toilet seat. It oddly reclaims personal space.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope the suggestions here do help.

My thought is to repurpose the extra room you now have. Like, if he removed a dresser, fill that spot with a luxurious dressing area. Or add a purse or shoe display in your closet where his stuff used to be.

I guess the point is to treat yourself.

Best of luck.

And make sure you sleep in the middle of the bed!!

Perhaps you compromised on something when you decorated with your 'ex' colour, furniture arranging etc. Now you can do it your way if you want. Even a Spring clean will help. Wash that man right out of your hair.

i would add fresh flowers and definitely pictures of loved ones that make you happy, if they weren't already present.
and perhaps a mini bar too...


all previous posts are great ideas as well.

here's to reclaiming your space and healing!

i'm with kristina, make it girly. paint it the last color a man would agree to, like pink! and get new bedding etc. (toilet seat jackie? ok, voice of experience...) that make you feel special.
we're here for you.

oh, and throw out everything he left behind, kick it to the curb!

While I did not live with my BF, I did spend a lot of time with him, hanging out in my bedroom. The thing that I remember most was watching TV or movies with him on my itty-bitty set. When we broke up, it was not as much the "stuff" that needed changing, but my routine. I began to listen to music on my ipod rather than watching TV before I went to sleep. That little bit of change really helped me.

Four months later, I moved to another state. Not to escape him, but a job change. Now I have a charming studio apartment to decorate and I'm back to watching TV in my bed, blissfully aware that he has never set foot in my new apartment, so I have no memories here to be sad about.

We naturally assume that it was the woman was wronged? Thank heavens I'm gay.

But seriously, if his stuff is gone what is their to "reclaim?"

correction to above (I type too fast)

"was the woman who was wronged" and "there" not "their"

So much for grad school.

haha wash that man right out of your hair!

i like the idea of changing rooms. if i were single my master bdr would totally be my office/sewing room! I never understood the concept of a giant bedroom, maybe all my nest-like closet-sized bedrooms in nyc trained me this way.

pc: Yeah, the toilet thing sounds weird. Somehow, it helps. Not the first odd thing I've come up with :)


Kurt: Gees, I hadn't noticed, but you're right. I assumed M was a female because M said "boyfriend". Good observation.

After he moves his stuff out, as much as you might not want to, go through everything (your closet, drawers, etc.) and make sure to get rid of or pack away anything he may have mistakenly left behind.

Throw it away if it's crap (old toothbrush, etc), and if it's valuable, store it somewhere out of sight. After a few months, if he hasn't come back for it, then toss it.

There's nothing worse than when you are having a good day and you think you are over him and then you come across something of his and it brings back all of those memories.

New bed linens, even if it's just a set you haven't used in awhile; rotate your artwork (or buy new or just frame greeting cards) so you're looking at something different; fresh flowers or an orchid (something we often give up when we begin sharing our bedroom with someone else). Then if you can reposition the bed in the room, even if just for a week or two, it helps break the sense that you're walking into the same old room. And, by all means, sleep in the middle of the bed!

Repaint the walls; its cheap and it can give you a totally different perspective on the space. You can keep a lot of what you have, if you like it, just rotate which of the colors of your scheme is on the walls.

I am all for new bedroom sheets, mattress even the bed itself. An ex from years ago (good guy but broke my heart) recently sent me a picture of his new baby. I was oddly pleased and smug to see that his still had the same bed the we picked out together. It was at that point I realized how tied we are to things and how that the next guy will be getting a new bed before we ever live together.

1. new paint
2. absolute must: new bed and mattress to rid of the old energy
3. anything that reminds you of the ex

last: move, new karma,etc

Dear all-
You've all been lovely with your ideas and I thank you so much for the comments. I want to point out that I never said I was "wronged." The point of my question was more 'how do I center the space around me and help myself get over the inevitable loss that follows the demise of a relationship, wrong or not.'

And so I plan to:
1) Paint. My ex and I have actually painted our bedroom a # of times to try to get the right color and never quite succeeded. If I do it alone and get it right, I'll see that as a huge accomplishment (and, of course, a sign).
2) New curtains. Yes. The current curtains have actually needed to go for awhile now.
3) New sheets/bedding/bed. Bedding I can do. Since I'm now the only breadwinner in the house, a new bed will have to wait.
4) I like the idea of moving stuff around and changing up the art. I actually noticed yesterday that the only thing in the room that he brought in is a bedside table and a painting. This'll be easy.
5) The toilet seat is such an odd suggestion! I completely see the point now but I would have never thought of it myself. But I actually have a pretty spectacular seat/cover, which I bought, and I have no intentions of losing.
6) Changing bedrooms. This is a crazy (but admittedly exciting) concept. This I will ponder.
7) Moving. I own. He moved in and "rented." No way will I let him shake me out of my little nest.

And to Jackie (too), you've put it in perspective. I'm starting to see that my relationship was just not right and it still hurts to get over the loss but it'd be a thousand times worse if he was "the one."

Just know that you can do it. And the sooner you do it the better your place will feel.

It took me 4 months after my boyfriend and I broke up to redesign the layout of my studio apartment. But it was the best thing I could do for myself.

This site was fabulous for inspiration! It's the best resource I know of.

My wife sadly left about 18 months ago. I moved into a great space, which is quite a good space thanks to AT.

It was a hard separation for me. I ended up changing EVERYTHING. New bed, linens, dresser, artwork ... it really helped.

Good luck. Nothing hurts like love lost - even if it was not meant to be.

it's going to be new bedsheets for me asap. my live-in boyfriend and i split up just about two weeks ago and i definitely need to refresh this apartment. unfortunately, shortly before the split, he'd been out of the country for two weeks and i took the opportunity to do so many of these things for 'us' - new shower curtain, new toilet seat, painted wall, etc etc. two days later it's all for naught, and my budget and energy level aren't ready to reorganize and -decorate. sheets i can do though.

A girlfriend and I used to re-do our bathrooms each time we broke up with someone: "I need to buy a new shower curtain" became code for "this relationship is nearing its end".

Don't forget to buy yourself some new jammies as well when you buy new sheets--it's like taking the bedclothes makeover to a new level. I've found it surprisingly comforting.

If you're looking for things to add or change around, one of my fave things on my bedside table is a mini coffee maker. I set it up when I go to bed, roll over and flip the switch when the alarm clock rings, and it's GREAT. Best wishes on this next chapter in your life.

Mlle Kate

After my boyfriend and I broke up, I moved out and gave away my mattress, carpet, and most other stuff that I bought with him in mind (he's a designer, so I was mostly trying to impress). But the trick is to take out everything that was meant for his taste. That is your room, your bed, and you have every right to put up Hello Kitty wallpaper if you so wish. And get new bedsheets too! I realized only recently that I had brought OUR bedsheets along with me! (Note to self: buy new bedding set).

You can move on. I believe in you.

M - sounds as though you have a handle on things. IMO, all loss is relative. It's a nasty thing to through regardless of the specifics of the situation because being left just sucks. However, I'm sure you'll do well. Experience has taught me that these are times in which we can re-invent ourselves, nurture and heal.

You can work on your list as stated above, and you can revisity your "self" in other ways. I thought it was brave of you to post your question. Home, decor, space, should be about who we are. BTW, dancing naked to loud music helps. :) You are a homeowner with nothing but hope and potential in front of you. You can do anything you want and you will succeed. We all have faith in you.

A note on being or not being "the one", again IMO, each experience causes growth; as you grow you generate a newer and improved "you" and you will draw others to yourself who are higher and a better fit than what you had before. You absolutely can't fail.

Best,

the happiest sheets i've ever come across are the isaac mizrahi's pop flower sheets (http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref=br_1_14/602-6907186-4515847?ie=UTF8&frombrowse=1&asin=B0006Q9CZM). every time i even look at my bed it puts a smile on my face!

oh, and nothing makes your tush feel more special then one of those cushiony toilet seats! and they don't get cold in wintertime either ;)

hope that helps!

1) PAINT. Paintpaintpaintpaintpaint. A color you love that you might not have ever thought of painting a room. Even if you only live with it for a couple of months. Personally I used a lovely shade of lilac with a deep eggplant accent, until I realized that incandescent lighting made the color muddy/brownish at night. 2) You must get rid of the old bedding. Pillows too. New bedding, again in colors you might not have used during the partnership. 3) Rearrange everything. 4) If it was spare, make it ornate intentionally. Even if you think your aesthetic is mid-century-modern. Mix it up. 5) That little bedside table that you makes you always think of him/her: get rid of it. It will be someone else's beginning, and it will free up room for your new ideas, even if you're not sure what they are. 6) And yes, of course, change out what you wear to bed. -- Consider absolutely everything to be change-worthy. If your eye falls on it, if you wear it, if it lights your way: change it.

Your posts are comforting Jackie (too). Thank you.