apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

i am dodging my dysfunctional family and going to hang out with my massage teachers and their family in vermont this year. i am a little anxious; i spent last year with friends but this will be the first time i am going to be with a group largely composed of people i've never met. this was a heartening post for me; hopefully i will have beautiful stories to tell when i get back!

A few years ago, there was this great little coffee shop in my hometown. I worked there for a little while, and for a long time it was pretty much my second home. As it was for so many of us who "didn't belong" (which is easy, considering most of the community was either rich enough to own a lake home, or the type who liked race cars and snowmobiling), we always had each other.

Most holidays, at least Thanksgivings, the owners would have the coffee shop open for those of us who either didn't have family, or needed to get away from family. For most of us regulars, it was a nice place to be with familiar people, who weren't familial.

I miss my coffee shop.

This year, for thanksgiving, my mom was out of town so I decided to go have dinner with my roommate's family. His dad is a pastor and his parents both have a penchant for "taking in strays," as my roommate puts it. So in addition to myself, there were a number of other random people at dinner, each with a very unique life story.

The first to show up were the neighbors - a middle-aged couple that "had cars instead of kids." They were both alumni of my university, so we had a little to talk about there, but it was quickly exhausted.

The next couple to arrive was my roommate's dad's adopted brother, a vegan lawyer who made regular trips to Africa, and his wife who was doing her residency at U of C hospital.

The last couple was their adopted sister and her partner who was a lesbian Chicago cop who works homicide and had her gun/badge on her at the dinner table. She also doesn't laugh. Ever. She smiles sometimes.

The bottom line is nobody there had anything whatsoever in common. There was a pastor, an agoraphobic, a guy with half an arm missing, a lighting designer, a web programmer, a lawyer, a doctor, a cop and some assorted other people. I think the total count was 11 people around a table built for 6, tops. So we were in close quarters and uncomfortably different. But delicious food has a way of easing the discomforts of company. And, because we were all so different and unfamiliar with each other, we just started sharing what our experience was; what we did and what we thought. The things that came out over that dinner were far deeper and more meaningful than I could have expected. It was easily the best thanksgiving I've ever been to. (mom, if you're reading this, that's not true!)

Last year, I went to Seattle to spend Xmas w/ my travel buddy (We met on a cruise and travel together a couple times a year) and his family - It was a nice way to spend the holiday since my Sis's family wasn't going to be home for Xmas and I didn't have time to travel cross country anyway...

...after my Grandmother died this past year, my mother asked her uncle about family origins, names, etc...

Turns out my buddy and his family in Seattle are distant cousins!
:-)

I'm excited for Christmas this year. It's the first time in 25 years that I won't be spending it with my family. And as important as my family is to me (even though they're all completely insane... and not in a good way), I'm actually really excited to do something new and different.

Last year I brought the boyfriend back to Boston with me for Christmas and this year, I'm going down to San Marcos for his family gathering. I've met a fair amount of his family before so I'm not worried about having to do the awkward meeting of a bunch of new, random people.
I'm also excited to not have to freeze my butt off for a week in Boston. :)

I prefer not to sentimentalize the date. I usually have my folks up for Thanksgiving, somewhat on my terms, but in other irritating ways, not so much, so we'll see about that anymore. I don't go home for Christmas, and I don't go see anyone else. People are strangely sad about that. I am alone tonight, are you sad for me tonight? I don't feel the need for company and my family knows how I feel about Christmas. In the way that it has become a distorted time for my family to force feelings that should be natural, and elevate the spirit of the day without knowing how actually to do that, I am done with the show. A lot of Christmases have actually been ruined all to hell this way, although not all of them were as bad as others. I call, I sent cards and presents, and maybe I'll do laundry, watch a movie, take a walk, normal daily stuff, because I don't trap myself in what the calendar dictates like I guess I ought to now.

It is a lovely idea, but people with children need to be careful at times. My Dad's mother always used to do this, and his most memorable christmas as a child was when the brothers she'd invited to live with them for several months (they'd turned 18 and had been chucked out of care-that was how it worked in those days) started to attack each other with kitchen knifes... they didn't live there for long after that (my Gran sorted out independent housing for them) but my Gran continued to have various people over at their house at Christmas and at other times of the year. Whilst that was the only time things turned nasty, my Dad said it did make him really nervous as a child after the knife incident about having strangers over and as a result chose not to do this while his own children were growing up-he felt we ought to feel safe and comfortable in our own home.

That said, this is only one incident (and my Dad also has happy memories of the strangers he shared Christmas with) and it shouldn't put people off altogether-just be careful.

The past few years, I've spent Thanksgiving with a family that I know from my church and a bunch of their relatives. The first year, it was kinda odd. There were grandparents and cousins and a few friends of the family (and friends of the grandparents and friends of the cousins). But it turned out to be really cool. I got to meet some of my friends' extended family and some of their friends as well. And since there were a lot of people who didn't know everyone it made it more comfortable. Name tags helped a lot. So did a short, pre-planned time of singing and learning about the history of Thanksgiving (some of the friends were from other countries). Giving the event some more structure made it more comfortable for everyone. Now I know most of the family (and am considered essentially part of the extended family) and I look forward to the event each year.

When I was in college, my roommate's family lived nearby. Her Mom always cooked up a huge meal for Easter and Thanksgiving and invited anyone who didn't have anywhere else to go. There was always a big bunch of college students as well as some people from their church. It was great to get a home cooked meal and be in a home even just for a few hours. Much better than being in a dorm or other college housing. The family had their own traditions that everyone participated in, making everyone feel even more at home. Over the years, many of us got to know Mr. and Mrs. Blades really well and still keep in touch. Hers is the only sweet potato recipe I will touch, so it's become part of my family's Christmas dinner menu. Although, we do modify it a bit, as hers starts with "plant the sweet potatoes".

This will be the first time in my life that I'm NOT going to my parent's home for Christmas. I'm spending it with my bf and his [somewhat] dysfunctional family, as he made the trek to my hometown for Thanksgiving. I have NO idea what to expect or how I'll be feeling, but I do know I'm really glad I'll be seeing my clan the weekend after, even if it means mucho bucks and flying time.

Wish me luck!!

When I was growing up, we were a very small family of 3. Since we were immigrants there was no extended family. To top it all off, we moved a lot, so never had deep roots. so we tended to have "strays" over at Christmas; never strangers, but people like or ourselves, or people of a different culture who celebrated differently. For example, we usually had a Hindu family over for Christmas dinner. Christmas is about sharing warmth for me, so it would be strange not to celebrate it without others.

Haven't a clue yet what we are doing this year -- whether we are staying here or going elsewhere... better start!