This post came at exactly the right time. My upstairs neighbour moved in 3 months ago and her nighttime music has been bothering me. Having seen her only once (and never spoken to her) I had no idea how to confront her about it.

Whatever you do, a post-it note with a smiley face seems like a very passive-aggressive tactic.

Each time I've moved to a new apartment over the years, I take flowers to my neighbors on each side and below, and I give them my card, with name and email and phone number. I tell them that I'm a very quiet, respectful neighbor and if there is any problem, please call me. They have always given me their email and/or phone number in return. Whenever there's been a noise problem (very rare), I just email them. So far this has been very successful. I work on a farm, and every month I bring them eggs or veggies. At New Year's, I always give them a gift and thank them for another year of peace and quiet and friendliness as neighbors.

@Fleamarketeer....hopefully the problem with your upstairs neighbor is simply her having her speakers in the wrong place. In college I (stupidly) put my bass speaker right on the floor. Even if the music wasn't loud, the bass would pound pretty powerfully for whoever was below me. Once this was pointed out to me, I moved it off the floor and had no further complaints!

Any suggestions for house-to-house ? I've always practiced yoohoo's techniques and they are usually successful. However, I have new neighbors who've moved into the house next door with a large back yard that I'm sure they thought would be perfect for their HUGE Tibetan mastiff. I work at home, as does the husband next door. His loud barking dog doesn't seem to bother him, but my office is adjacent to the backyard and it's driving me nuts and is intrusive when I'm trying to talk on the phone. Not to mention that open-window-season is approaching.

They seem to be really nice people and they make an effort to rein the dog in by going outside and calling to the dog to stop, and if he persists (which he always does) they make him go inside....but frankly their calling to the dog is just as loud and almost as annoying as he is. I've introduced myself to them, I've been friendly over the fence , and I've talked to them several times about the barking. I told them I knew it would take the dog a little while to "settle in", I even offered to come over and let the dog become familiar with me, since he barks whenever I make a move outside, or open or shut my gate. They said "Oh, we'd love to have you come over sometime"....but it's been 7 months now and if anything its gotten worse because now all the other dogs in the neighborhood bark back at him....including an outdoor lab across the alley who rarely barked before. I'm in a bark sandwich.

I called animal control and they recommended that my neighbors get a citronella collar for the dog as a deterrent. It triggers a Pavlovian response, in that it puffs scent whenever the dog barks, the dog doesn't like it, and then gets the idea he shouldn't bark when he's in the back yard. Certainly I think that my neighbors talking to the dog every time he barks is a form of positive reinforcement, since they NEVER use an angry tone. I've asked them twice now to consider getting one of these collars. The husband said "I'll look into it." The wife (who works outside the home) said "I'll talk to my husband about it." And in the meantime months have gone by and the dog just gets louder and more assertive.

At what point do I go ahead and report them to animal control ? We have laws against this kind of barking in our town. Houses are close together and animal control will come out and talk to them after the first complaint. If they get 3 complaints, the dog will be removed and I would really hate to be responsible for that. I LIKE dogs. But my peace of mind and quite enjoyment of my house has been destroyed. On the other hand, these people are there for good and I don't want to have a bad relationship with them. HELP !

@yoohoo has the BEST idea, IMO - get to know the neighbors right away. And the other suggestions she makes are absolutely brilliant. Much appreciated!

My experience in this neighborhood, unlike anywhere else I've ever lived, is that people are absolutely astonishing when you have to talk to them about noise.

In TWO different situations - and I know these people don't talk to each other - when I've said, after writing two or more polite notes, "your dog has been barking 2 hours, would you please not leave him out while you're gone," the first response was "He's barking at YOU! You've upset him!"

The one REALLY stupid girl, when I pointed out that I'd only been there 10 seconds, went on to claim "Of course he's barking! He's barking AT something!"

The second response is "well, that other guys dog barks all the time." In each instance, the other dog doesn't bark even 5% as much. And even if that other dog were exactly as bothersome, that's no excuse for this person to let THEIR dog be.

The third response is "OK, go ahead and report me, then!" And then I'll report YOU for..." And in neither case had I threatened to call Animal Control.

And the fourth, and crowning glory, is to point out how THEY don't believe in complaining about neighbors (in one case this was blatantly untrue), and therefore *I* am the one who's a pain,

Sitcoms and commercials that glorify people, -usually young adults - demonizing those whom they bother - usually older single people - don't help - and to the discredit of our society, are not uncommon.

Thank you for this article. The golden rule is so much more important than many realize. Eventually, even really thoughtless people will develop enough sensitivity to want to be considerate of others. May that day come sooner rather than later!

Agreed- I had the only neighbor I share a wall with (who I say hello to every time I see them!) leave me a note signed "A Concerned Neighbor". If they were so concerned with my TV volume they could have knocked on my door or at least signed their name... It kills me because we only watch one TV show a week! Walking Dead!

@yoohoo - Won't you be my neighbor? :)

My neighbor got upset with me because there is cat poop in her bushes (which, I assume, is a problem because her dogs go after it, just like mine do). She has decided that is my fault because I have a cat that goes out at night (to hang with the 14 neighborhood feral cats from which he spawned). To show her displeasure she has (anonymously) put dog poop and dirty diapers on my front porch. I only know about her real complaint because the landlord mentioned it to me.

Note that as a "don't"

Oh, neighbors! I have wonderful neighbors that are doing construction and have been vigilant about communicating with us about (especially noisy) construction days. Honestly, the noise is disruptive, but the considerate notes/texts/calls make me so much more tolerant. Acting like my neighbor is a good way to prevent problems.

If you do have a problem with a neighbor, I suggest that you ask for a specific outcome ("Could we agree not to use our TVs or play music after 11 pm or before 7 am?" "Could you make sure that your dog is indoors or quiet during the day so I can conduct my business?") Even if your neighbor doesn't agree, it opens a dialog.

Lastly: Document everything. Never a bad idea.

@artfemme11 - so sorry to hear about your barking sandwich! We had a similar situation with our dog (not much of a barker and never has been) and a neighbor dog (SUPER barker at everything). The neighbors ended up getting one of those citronella collars and it really has worked wonders. If things get really desperate and they're still not taking the initiative, maybe you can just send them one? You can get them on Amazon for like $35 and it might be worth the investment.

http://www.amazon.com/Petsafe-Premier-GentleSpray-Citronella-Anti-Bark/dp/B0002D31QU

Poor, sad bark sandwich. :)

I think arbequina has a decent idea. I would really recommend NOT doing the animal control route. While my dog isn't much of a barker, she does upset some people by her very presence — pitbull alert! — and I know if anyone ever even threatened to call animal control on her... Well, I would probably hate that person for life.

Seeing as they're household neighbors, and you'll likely be next to them for some time, I'd try to keep on fostering goodwill. I know it's unfair that you have to make concessions when they're the irresponsible party, but I think it will mean a better living environment for you in the long run. (Who wants to feud with their neighbors? No one.)

In addition to arbequina's suggestion, I'd add maybe making outside "dates" with them to hang out (while walking the dog to the park or something?) to get to know the animal, and maybe quiet it. You could also suggest a doggy daycare to them... Most dogs that bark aren't getting enough exercise.

When our now-14-year-old daughter was a toddler (with allergies and asthma, hence, only area rugs over the wood floors), she did normal toddler activities around our third floor apartment. Our neighbor right below us, childless (and soon divorced since he tended to verbally abuse his wife) would knock loudly on his ceiling, our floor, with a broom or something like that. All the time. This went on for many years, past the toddler years, whenever she walked, practically. Also, if we accidentally sort of scraped the kitchen chairs away from the table, instead of silently lifting them, he did his broom thing. Meanwhile, he played his music at deafening levels (I assume to get back at us). Fortunately, few people like(d) him and most commiserated with us. There are now several toddlers in our condo building; upstairs from us, it sometimes sounds like they're moving furniture around, it's so noisy! Doesn't bother me in the least. If my neighbor wants to dwell in complete serenity and quiet, I say get a cabin in the woods. And by the way, we always let him know ahead of time when she was having a sleepover or something like that where there would be a gaggle of girls running around. While he appreciated the advance notice, his basic attitude hasn't changed in 14 years.

@yoohoo - you are fantastic! It is much easier to talk to someone you already have a rapport with.

I only just met my next door neighbor (after 1.5 years of living in the apt) when he was trying to get other neighbors to gang up on his downstairs neighbor who smoked right under his apartment windows. The downstairs neighbor doesn't bother me though, so it was a very awkward introductory conversation, as he wanted me to join him in calling the cops or the landlord on the smoking neighbor. I suggested a general complaint about smoking to the landlords (there is a different neighboring smoker that bothers me!)

Mostly I give up because most of the tenants in my building smoke and I don't plan on living there too much longer.

I think it's important to make an effort to be friendly with your neighbors in advance so if anything comes up you already have some rapport. That said, I also think that if something is bothering you, a polite note is fine. How else are they supposed to know that you are bothered by their dog barking when they aren't home, or that you can hear their music? I'd rather do the note thing than knock on someone's door and interrupting their evening.

The custom where I grew up was when new people moved in, you made an effort to stop and introduce yourself the first time you see them. In my current house, about half my neighbors did this (the awesome nice people) and about half didn't (the douches). Guess which ones I care about if they have any complaints for me?

I have a neighbor downstairs who makes the entire building reek of fish on a regular basis. Somehow she cooks it in a way that causes a deeply fishy, distinctly unpleasant smell to permeate the hallways and seep into our apartment (I'm guessing that she pan fries it on high heat, but I'm not sure). I actually really like fish, but this smell is awful. She is Chinese, and I wonder whether this is a traditional method of cooking.

Is there anything I can say? I know her and her husband well enough to stop and say hi when I see them outside, and I've been over to their apartment once. But I feel it's impossible to ask someone to stop cooking something the way that they obviously like to cook it.

Help??

There is not much we can do to stop whatever people do inside their own appartment, be it smoking, cooking or screaming during sex. We all pay rent and we all have the same rights and responsabilities. Everyone is entitled to enjoy their personal space as they see fit.

I live in an apartment in NYC. My landlord owns the building and I happen to live next door to him. As of a few months ago, their TV volume is so loud that I always hear a loud muffling noise and in turn have to turn on my own TV or music. It can be as early as 7am. He's a lawyer and he yells often (whether it's at his crew or on the phone). I'm not sure if there is a polite way to broach the subject. There were no volume issues the first 4 months. I don't want them not to offer a lease renewal next year. I love the apt, just not the muffling. Any suggestions?

This post comes at the perfect time for me. I have neighbors below me that insist on playing their violent video games in the evening using some sort of surround sound system. Both last week and this evening, I've attempted to go downstairs and speak to them, thinking that perhaps they don't understand how the noise translates in my unit. However, each time I go down there, they won't come to the door. We live in condos - I own and they are tenants. I've contacted the owner by email twice. The first time, he emailed me back insisting that they would keep it down. The second time was this evening. I haven't received a reply but I did CC the HOA board on it and let him know that I will pursuing a monetary penalty/violation. We will see what happens.

I think it's also important to consider that your neighbor might not be as obnoxious as you think.

I'm sure my neighbors have been annoyed at me making noises at night...but I'm no louder than they are during the day. I'm not staying up late, but rather I get up late. Working nights means that on my days off, I will be doing laundry and cooking and vacuuming at 1am some nights, and watching TV at the softest volume that's till audible throughout the night.

I try to be considerate, but I'm past the point of tiptoeing or letting things go by the wayside just because I work nights and had been shamed for years for having an alternate schedule.

Just try to think of things from the other's perspective. 9am vacuuming means I can't get to sleep myself.

walls are never thick enough!

@suzytheobserver

I want to enjoy my apartment in peace and quiet. When you say that everyone is entitled to enjoy their space as they want, that is true. But they are not entitled to encroach upon the personal space of others, whether with loud noises, or harmful smoke, or whatever else they can come up with.

We have a piano, so when we moved in to our apartment we went to all of our surrounding neighbors and told them we would keep it to the hours of 9-7 and if they ever thought it was too loud or had a headache or anything, just knock on our door and let us know. We haven't had a problem yet

Our upstairs neighbors however seem to be home ALL day long and make a ton of noise from 6am to past midnight! When I'm trying to get our 4 month old to nap its SO frustrating. I've lived in apartments for most of my life, and this is not normal.

If they were more pleasant I would talk to them, but they're pretty rude. Suggestions?

My neighbors are more or less quiet. Only once did they get carried away for about a week, after which I filed a complaint and they apologized and have kept it down since. Other neighbors cook stinky onion soup about once a week, but they have also been nice enough to lend me a quarter when my last one was too bent for the washing machine. My neighbor downstairs gets home the same time I put my daughter to sleep - my quiet time after which is spent listening to her cackling and extensive phone calls. Good grief.

Vacuuming in the middle of the night is totally unreasonable. And obnoxious. Do it on your day off, or during some part of your day, before or after you leave for work. There is no conceivable work schedule that cuts you off from any reasonable hour of the day. If you get home at midnight, go to sleep and vacuum at 2 pm the next day. If you get home at 4 am and sleep, vacuum at 6 pm that night. If you're a renter vacuuming at 1 am you will probably get evicted (unless the landlord is a family member). If you own, then it will obviously be harder for your neighbors to do anything about it, but it's still obnoxious.

What perfect timing for this post! My boyfriend and I just moved in together in a wonderful apartment in Venice...but it's in a large building. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with this many sounds around us but as a former NYC dweller it's all fine...except our downstairs neighbor. We thought he was a musician since his hours are insane and his music is always bumping. He will blast music until 3am most days of the week and for some reason it is inaudible from the outside walkways - just loud in our apartment. We've gone down to talk to him three times - each time super nice and respectful and one time I even brought him some beer as a "nice to meet you" present. We figured out it is just really unfortunate placement of his speakers, as they are directly under our bed. I bought ear plugs to wear at night because we don't want to ban him from playing music just because he's a night owl. It's really challenging because we don't want to be jerks but all I feel at night is bass.

That said I ran into my landlord and he mentioned the small package I received. We talked about the earplugs and he told me I was the sweetest neighbor ever and if it ever became a problem to talk to him. Woo!

We live in a bock of two story apartments that have courtyards front and back. The neighbors at the back smoke, with their back window open. Smoke comes straight into our apartment. Can't have the windows shut the whole time, as Melbourne in summer is very hot, we don't have aircon and we need to cool the house down at night, it's affecting my breating to the point where I'm on oral steroids as well as a preventative inhaler, yet they won't stop despite knowing it bothers us. No-one has a "right" to pollute the air I breathe to the point where I need serious medication.

@Rebekkap, we had the same issue when we lived in an apartment. The neighbors below us would smoke on their back balcony, basically rendering our back windows and balcony useless as the smoke would rise. We compensated by opening the windows on the opposite side of the apartment to get airflow, but those windows were only for our bedroom and didn't open to the living space/kitchen. We never found a solution...it wasn't a very friendly apartment complex/kinda shady and I didn't feel comfortable 'confronting' or bringing it up. Otherwise they were quiet, and the balcony faced a short-term storage facility so it's not like we were trying to get out and enjoy the view.

Our upstairs neighbor has a 4 yr old who she lets ring our doorbell @ all hrs, scream constantly & stomp on the floor so hard that our tv's shake & we now have cracks in our living rm ceiling. We have tried asking her nicely with baked goods, hitting the ceiling with the back of a mop like a crazy person & finally speaking to our landlords, all with zero results. We have basically been told "he's a kid, learn to live with it."

Thankfully she is in the process of moving out & we are praying for a more considerate new neighbor.