We suggested our family make a donation to our, or their, favorite charities instead of material gifts. Most of the time they'll end up giving our children something small in addition to the donation. It's worked out well and we all feel good about helping others.

Family is easier to tell. Brother-in-law just waves his hand and says "NO NO NO" whenever we discuss gifts for his girls, while his wife nods and looks at us with her haunted, haunted eyes. :)

It's considered poor etiquette to dictate to people how they give gifts and what gifts they can give. If they ask you can try and direct them, but in my experience no one listens when you say "please don't get toys." Even if you say "they like art supplies and books" you will still usually get toys, especially if the child is younger.

Instead of trying to convince people that the kids don't need any more toys I stick with the "one in one out" policy--for every toy they receive, they get rid of one. We are getting ready for a major cleanout of the toy room because not only did my sons just have a birthday, my husband brought home a ton of toys from a friend's house and we've moved in a bunch of toys that have been in storage at my mom's. I don't even know how many toys I'm supposed to be getting rid of, but it'll be a lot.

We also talked with our family about excess and asked if we could consider giving small gifts and also giving donations together. It worked with one side of the family, and the other side refuses to listen! Oh well.

Open a savings account for your children and have family donate to their college fund... not to other charities! When I was growing up, that is what my mother did and I am thankful for it.

We've chosen a couple of larger sets of toys the we hope to collect for our girls. Last year is was play kitchen equipment and wooden toy food. Right now we are beginning to work on a wooden train collection and art supplies. Later, we hope to build Lego, Playmobil, and dress-up collections. And always books. These are all valuable play resources, can be stored together efficiently to limit clutter, and have a variety of price points so a gift could be large or small. We also like to ask for 'experience gifts' - zoo tickets, museum membership, etc.

We're mainly in the family gifts stage, so when anyone asks, we request that they help build these collections. They are happy to have meaningful ideas and the girls love their 'creative play' options!

For birthday parties, how about something on the invitation like "Please no presents, just your presence!" Is that totally corny?

We did no gift- only donations last year (requested on the invitation last year) and donated what the kids got to Toys for Tots. They got to keep what their grandparents got or what the picked with gift certificates. But the donation request was highly controversial. I got a lot of confused calls about it. It seemed to make a lot of people uncomfortable. We won't be doing that again, but we will be sure to donate anything that the kids aren't going to really enjoy (secretly).

Even though it is poor etiquette, I note on the invitation that gifts are not required or desired (The line I stole from a dear friend reads "Love is the only gift [child] requires.). While we still get several gifts, all the other guests who have young children abided. It really helped!

I think ica171 is right on. As much as I would love to minimize the gifts my girls receive from family, I have to remember that there is great joy in it for the giver that I would be infringing on. They love to watch my girls excitedly open packages, and get all into a new toy, (even if that toy in my opinion happens to be a plastic piece of crap with an extremely limited lifespan that is nearly duplicative of stuff we already own). Better to accept graciously, and weed and donate later. I have thought of asking family to give us "experience" gifts (i.e., a zoo or aquarium or museum membership, or a trip to a waterpark), but the reality is that with very young children who don't yet understand the idea of "you're going to get to do something fun in a month" when they are opening their Christmas gifts, I can see why some family members might rather just give a toy.
I think the best I can hope for at this point is to persuade my mother to go for quality over quantity.
Another idea we successfully tried for gifts from friends at the girls' birthday party was to do a book exchange in lieu of other gifts. I think it worked precisely because we didn't say "no gifts please" - which I know everyone would have ignored!

What about suggesting experiences rather than things? This year my husband and my parents combined forces and purchased karate lessons for our son. My parents also do this at Christmas, buying season tickets to the local Children's Theater and then taking the kids to the plays throughout the year.

I don't see it as rude to suggest types of gifts that would be really appreciated, particularly if you are making the suggestion to close friends or family members, but you also have to be mindful of the fact that some people have their heart set on giving gifts or certain types of gifts, and there's no good way to stop that.

For my daughter's first birthday, we asked for stuff for her time capsule. It's sort of a one-time thing though, so I don't have any suggestions on Christmas.

Haha, it's a little extreme, but last Hanukkah I took my MIL upstairs to my son's room and showed her the dusty stack of unwrapped, but unopened, gifts in the corner from his birthday party in JULY. I told her that he and I had agreed that he obviously had too many toys if he had owned these for 5 months and never once wanted to play with them...and so he would not be having another big party, just a special day with one or two friends.

Now, normally I would not have let these toys just sit there for so long, but I saw a chance to make a point with her. It worked! Even though none of the toys in the stack were from her, she finally realized that my protests were not just polite, "Oh, you shouldn't haves," but honest-to-gawd pleas for moderation.

BTW, my son LOVED his special day at the ballpark with two friends this year for his birthday. He got two gift certificates, which we re-gifted. My ILs gave him a bike. :)

I wrote this on my son's bday party invite:

Your attendance is the perfect gift, so please just bring yourselves!

Hoping it works ;)

Braveangel2:

What did you do for your daughter's time capsule? I've never heard of that idea.

I have a mother who is a chronic thrifter, bringing a weekly contribution to our toy arsenal.

From that practice, I've learned to accept what is given. Rejecting gifting whispers "You aren't who I wish you were", and there is no loving way to give that message.

So, here's what I do - anticipate 40% of your givers will ask you for ideas, and have ideas ready for them that will please your kid and you.

For the 60% who don't ask, make a plan for giveaways a month after the event, and then...let it go, with a big sigh if need be!

I like the "one-in-one-out" rule.
I've also tried to be a good example - when we're invited to a birthday party & before gift-giving occasion, I call the parents and ask "What would so-and-so like?" so I can give a gift that's needed.

I was invited to a child's party once where they said gifts were not required, but if we wanted to make a donation to toys for tots, they would have a bin available. It worked.

we live overseas, away from our families, and this issue seems to continue to be harder!

This year, I'm going to suggest "experience gifts", such as a zoo membership, or date night out for mom and dad, or something that we'd like to see/do as a family.

I know that my parents won't do that, so for them, I plan on giving three or four categories that they can buy from (preferably just one from each or just one gift from one category):
- clothing
- toy
- educational
- (can't remember the 4th!)

My issue with the extreme gift giving is NOT with the "clutter" (although that's always a concern).

My complaint is that it goes completely against my values. Both at Christmas and at his birthday my son had so many presents to open he got bored opening them and just walked away. I want him to appreciate and value his gifts, not just take them for granted.
I WILL have this conversation with my inlaws this year. They are welcome to buy things for him, but it needs to be just one or two items. More presents does not equal more love. And I'm sorry if I hurt their feelings but they're adults and I'm trying to raise my son with the values that are important to my family.

For us it depends on how close we are to each friend or family member. With close friends and family we make it very clear that our kid needs nothing and ask them to keep gifts to the bear minimum or useful stuff (clothes, books, or small toys that are a step ahead of their age) or we suggest a donation to the kid's college fund. For those we aren't that close to, we sometime use the "The gift or your presence is the greatest present." type of line for parties, and the "one in, one out" policy when unsolicited gifts arrive that we really don't have space for. We also often intercept gifts before they get to the kiddos and save them for a later date, re-gift them, or donate them directly.

In my experience limiting gifts is extremely hard so I have several ways of handling.
- For grandparents I first ask if there are any specific gifts that they had in mind. If not then I purposully request a larger/more expensive gift so that it reduces the multiple items from just that one person. (however I am mindful of what each person can spend and do not request something out of there comfort zone. For example - my parents are actually buying a twin bed set and then will just add one small toy. My mother-in-law is getting him the vtech gaming system and nothing else)
- For others I create a list that I can use for those who specifically ask. These are either items that build on something my son already has or something I know he will really like/want
- As gifts are unwrapped try to move some quickly our of a room. People start opening stuff so the child can play with it. If you quickly move stuff into a back room you can save for a later time, donate or re-gift.

Hope these sugesstions help!

Oh my gosh, I see we have some control freaks on the site today!! Just allow people to do what they want to do. I believe there are much larger issues in the overall scheme of parenting. If your values are such that you want to prove a point to your child about gift giving/material items then instill those values through your own actions when giving or choosing not to give to your children and/or other children. You can teach them through your example, don't try to tell others what they can and cannot do. Many people get great joy out of giving a gift, would you like it if somebody told you that you couldn't do something harmless that brought you joy?

I don't see any harm in stating something on the invite to the effect of "Gifts aren't necessary" or even something clever like YCCII suggested but anything beyond that, for example singling certain people out in particular, is just rude and hurtful.

How dare some people...bringing gifts to a child's birthday party. Shame on them.

85% of the children's birthday parties we went to this year had "Please, no gifts on them." Everyone has kids with enough and the parties were large. And everyone understand that the choice was to violate traditional etiquette or get 30 presents.

My family is pretty great about gifts. Birthday and Christmas only, and then specific items from the wish list. Nice quality stuff that will last.

FIL only shopps at European craft markets (travels a lot) and gift stores at museums. His gifts are always interesting.

MIL buys lots of junky expensive stuff that gets donated quickly. She really seems to hate our toy preferences and is always trying to push the buttons. It would be annoying if it wasn't so sad.

I appreciate these ideas! We just had my son's first birthday and we were opening gifts for weeks afterwards. People were extremely generous, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but now we have a house full of toys that we don't have enough time in the day to play with! I realized very quickly that I need to develop a plan for Christmas and set a precedent for reasonable (vs. uncontrolled) gift-giving from parts of our family.

I realize that it's a wonderful problem to have.

Firstly, I think it depends on the age of your child. It is entirely appropriate to ask people to curb gifts for babies and the under 5 crowd. This is prime time for grandparents to give to college accounts and big items like play kitchens or bikes that will limit how much people give.

For older kids though, I think it's a little Mommy Dearest to have kids watch toys be donated to Toys for Tots or get a lame donation card.

I've seen people on here saying they prefer donations made to charities but that gift-givers didn't listen. What if you gave a more personal reason for the donation? Whether they should or no, plenty of people have a "social allergy" to being told anything that sounds (to them) like "we're trying to be less materialistic than you." But we have two families in our church who've successfully gotten people to make donations in honor of their children:
One family's eldest was diagnosed with cancer last year and they now request donations go to the local children's hospital. Acceptance of the request has been universal.
The other family lost their infant daughter at only 5 months due to a chromosomal defect. They now request donations to the March of Dimes. Acceptance of their request has also been universal. Additionally, some folks who've never been involved in any charity before have become personally involved in those organizations, even when there's not a birthday on the horizon.
I'm not suggesting that anyone make up a story, but maybe you could expand or switch out the charities you suggest to incorporate one that has directly impacted your family.
What do you think?

I dont think you can dictate what people get your kid. Just open the presents, thank everyone, and drop it off at the nearest children's hospital.

We have Amazon wishlists for every member of our family and any requests for ideas as to what to get for Christmas or birthdays are directed there. All of our relatives live far away so they usually ask for ideas.

I never give out any suggestions regarding gift unsolicited though. I think it's rude. We have a finite amount of space in our house and our kids understand that. Toys come and go and it's no big deal. Toys that don't fit our family's lifestyle/values go more quickly than the others.

My husband and I celebrate holidays differently than most. We are Christian, but we don't like the focus of Christmas being on gifts and material things. We have chosen to do away with gift giving and give gifts of service or love instead. It has not gone over well with either of our families. Both are very into gift giving, which we can understand that some people choose to express love through gifts. Which is why we don't deny them giving us gifts (although it is uncomfortable because we do have more than we need already). We take it as their way of showing love and appreciation and in return we offer to donate to a charity or perform an act of service (i.e. cleaning someone's garage, organizing an office, etc).

We know we can't ban gifts, but we do request on occassion that they give to a charity or come spend quality time with us instead. But only if they ask. We try to reinforce, things can break, memories are forever.

We have our first little one on the way and we will practice the one in one out technique with her. And on birthdays, gifts from us will only be 4 (one you want, one you need, one to wear and one to read).

I'm probably in the minority, but I would be really offended if my gifts (that I very carefully and lovingly purchased, or often, made by hand) were gathered up and donated to charity. I already donate to the charities of my choice. I would much prefer to be told "no gifts please" than to waste my time, my money, and my effort on gifts that will just be given away.

if the givers are local family members or close friends, ask them to keep the toy at their home for your child to enjoy on visits!!!

keeps the clutter out of YOUR house and gives the child something to do on visits and preserves the "new toy" feel for longer

An option for Christmas is to implement a handmade- or time- only gift policy. Either everything that is given must be made by the gifter or the gift must be an experience.

Gift giving traditions meant more when people rarely got new things. Now we are inundated with STUFF. Expressing love and appreciation can be done with shared activities, vacations or things made by hand. I know I, personally, don't need anything that comes in a box but I would love a trip to the masseuse, a nice dinner with my husband or a weekend at a B and B. I also love receiving homemade jam, cards or a good phone call.

Things are special because they are rare, stuff isn't rare anymore but someone's time is. It makes a much better gift.

Yes, it is rude to tell people you are inviting to a party, "Please don't be so materialistic. We are better than that," which is what you say when you say "No gifts." You aren't allowed to ask for or exert control over gifts. You are required to say, "Thank you," in a heart-felt way.

However, neither are you required to hang on to things you do not want or need. After the thanks have been said, the gift itself can take up residence wherever you need--on the top shelf of a closet, in the toy-box, or in the donation box at Goodwill.

Further, although this idea may be alien to the parents of very young children, your kids are not you, and when you refuse gifts on their behalf, you are interfering with your child's relationship with the gift-giver, and refusing something that your child may very well want. If you think this won't cause resentment on both sides, think again. Even small children can understand that Aiden and Emily got presents at their parties, but they didn't.

Every time this topic comes up, there are always two main positions: the first, in which the writers point out the rudeness of this behavior, and the second, in which the writers claim that they were forced to be rude because of the huge amount of stuff/crappy taste of their friends and relations/refined aesthetic taste. Perhaps the only resolution is to say that yes, it really is rude to try to control gifts from one person to another and yes, people really will buy the most tasteless, space-hogging, and crappy gifts.

Our daughter who wasn't even two had a TON of toys cluttering up our small space that we live in. So for her actual birthday party (more like a gathering of family and really close friends), we asked people to bring a piece of fruit instead of a gift.

The reason we asked people to bring fruit is because she LOVES it so much, so we thought we would make a huge fruit salad at the party. It went over really well with everyone and only one or two people brought her a gift (and fruit).

you can always return them....or bring them in for a store credit and get something big for christmas or for the 5 billion other kids birthday parties you will be going to.

Isn't the solution to only have small parties?
It's okay to tell family no gifts. But invite fewer friends, and have the suggestion list ready when asked.
Otherwise suck it up, and let your children enjoy the gifts they are given.

We have lots of school parties where every child is invited, which means that you can end up with 25 gifts that are not needed. I've always thought it would be a great idea for every family to contribute $5 in a gifting envelope and then the birthday child can buy a more significant present that they truly want. The idea of delayed gratification may not work for little kids, but I think those 6+ would appreciate it.

It would also be less of a financial and time burden (hunting for presents the day before the party!) for parents.

I just haven't worked out how to suggest it to the other mothers!

I can't believe how much all these comments have helped me. It is my son's first birthday next month and I have been stressing about all the insane gift giving my ILs are known for. I was trying to think of ways to let them know we really did not want a tons of gifts, but now I don't think I will say anything. Reading eveyone's commets has helped me realize it is not my place to tell someone what to do for a gift. I love giving gifts to people and could imagine how hurt I would feel if someone deprived me of that joy I feel when I give a gift. I hope seeing such generous gift giving will teach my son the importance of generosity and the joy of giving. When things get out of hand (and I know they will), I hope my son and I can sit down together and choose some of those gifts to turn around and donate.

I have also realized it is also important to be a better gift giver. I will try to give money for education funds instead of spending my time and money on unwanted toys. I think I will also try to respect other people's wishes and not bring toys when I'm asked not too. Thank you for all the comments and this post. It could not have come at a better time.

I have a 3 month-old son, so this is starting to hit close to home. I also live in an apartment that does not have very much space for extra "junk". When my brothers and I were children, we really only received toys/presents for x-mas & birthdays. The presents were usually quite modest & practical: I happily opened socks, underwear & sweaters.

It truly disturbs me to see how many friends with small children are nearly drowning in toys. Their homes are filled with toys, their children simultaneously expect presents, without actually valuing them. I do not want to fall prey to this trend. Even though some will certainly think I am rude -- I fully intend to stress "no presents" from casual friends, and gifts of experiences, special toys or college fund from relatives.

I'm in an interesting situation in that both my parents and my husband's parents had rather poor childhoods, and both sets of grandparents are now in a position to spend the kind of money on our kids that they couldn't with us (and that their parents couldn't spend on them). As you can imagine, our little ones got lots of toys because it made the grandparents happy to be able to give these kinds of gifts.

I picked up a book a couple of months ago called something like 101 Things to Do Before You're 12 (I might have the age wrong, but it's something like that). It features experiences kids should have and places that kids should visit and focuses mainly on the United States.

I shared with my parents and my in-laws that we were going to try to do as much of the book as we could. So, every few months, I tell them the two or three activities we're going to accomplish - such as, visit a lighthouse, or see a cavern, or tour a historic home - and if that activity happens to coincide with a gift-giving holiday or a birthday, I ask them to give something that relates to the experience. We've gotten tickets to historic attractions, little binoculars for bird-watching, hiking gear for kids... basically, things that are not toys but that aid in the experience.

It seems to be working well, and the kids are getting a lot out of the experiences, even if they might be too young to remember them! We still get the occasional toy from the grandparents but not at the same volume as before!

Whew! What a discussion! i couldn't read all the comments.

Our main issue is space. We were clear before our son was born that we just don't have a lot of space and weren't going to be able to own big, bulky toys. I think they got the message. But we're not specific with a wish list unless somebody asks. (We did have to tell one person at one point that gifts should be age-appropriate--for choking hazard reasons. We have a whole bin of stuff with tiny little parts, waiting for a few years.)

It seems everyone struggles with this. We also keep an Amazon list, like another reader suggested. It works well, especially since we have family overseas. We put books and toys on the list. It's worked really well for us since I can put things on there my boys really wants, like science experiment sets, that also get used up and don't take up space. Works out well. Lego sets are big in our house right now too. They are so pricey, the giver can only afford to give one, so that works out well.

Books are highly underrated too, in my opinion. I love for my boys to get nice, quality book collections. They LOVE books. This works out well for my sister though who gets them books from the used book store, which I wholeheartedly support.

As our boys get older, experiences will be next for us. Music lessons, membership to science or art museum, trips to local amusement park, day out to play mini golf, etc. There are endless possibilities with this one. My parents are paying part of my niece's dance lessons and are thrilled they can help with that since she loves it so much.

As for giving at birthday parties, we usually give something like sticker books, or books, or a $10 gift voucher to a local ice cream shop. Something relatively small that can be used and that will not take up space. One of my fave gifts for young boys (around 4 or 5) is a mentos geyser tube experiment. They are about $5, very small and my son has done this experiment over 20 times, easily. Super fun.

@jvjones13: Ooh! Gift certificate for ice cream. That is a rad present! I will be stealing your idea in the future.

While I agree that more STUFF is that last thing that either kids or parents need, the reality is that the giver loves giving and the kids love receiving. So we ask that relatives give gifts only for birthdays/holidays (rather than EVERY time they visit).

Then after the family has cleared, we donate anything that wasn't exciting enough to be taken out of the box, or anything that duplicates a type of toy we already have. We've already convinced our two-year-old that some people don't have as many toys, so if we have more than what fits in our toy boxes, we "share". Even HE doesn't see the need for any more than 20 trucks.