These are all good tips--communication is key. My sons have severe allergies to tree nuts (but strangely not to peanuts), and I make sure and let people know that 1) they are really really allergic and 2) we do not expect separate or nut-free dishes, we just want to know which ones have nuts so we can avoid those. I do not expect the world to revolve around us and no big fuss is made. When I am hosting, I ask about allergies/preferences and also ask for suggestions if I have difficulty providing a tasty dish.

Sorry, but this is just too complicated for me as a host. If you are allergic to, say, nuts, expecting the whole event to revolve around you is completely unreasonable: "2. If anyone has a severe allergy, like kids with nuts, make sure you tell your other guests not to bring any dishes with that ingredient. It's best in this case to just completely rid the house of that food than to try to manage it. It's just not worth the risk."

C'mon! I'm inviting you to my home - my real home where real people live and eat and survive to tell the story. If you need this sort of allergen-free environment, you need to create it for yourself.

Bring your own meal with you if enjoying my meal will make you ill.

I have Celiac disease and never expect a host to accommodate my disorder. The gluten free diet is very complicated and cross contamination is a huge problem. For example, I have been exposed to gluten from my mother-in-law's non-stick pans. So I usually bring my food. I do have a few close friends who insist on cooking for me and we stick to grilled meat and fresh veggies. I find the diet to be a huge PITA and would never expect a friend or host to deal with it. (But I will admit I almost cry when my friends do accommodate me!)

I have adults over to my house to eat. I do not cater my menu to anything other than what I want to make or the wishes of a guest of honor. There is no way in hell I'm asking and catering to that level of insanity. The one thing I can guarantee coming out of my kitchen is cleanliness. I'm not taking responsibility for anyone's well-being (other than making sure no one ends up with food poisoning).

Firstly please don't think that a gluten allergy is a "craze". Wheat allergies and celiac disease both appear as antibodies on a blood test and celiac can also be confirmed with a biopsy. It is not an "intolerance", it is an allergy.

@Emmi, Celiac disease is obviously not a craze. But gluten-free as a self-imposed dietary restriction is HUGE right now.

I agree that sometimes things can get complicated, but I'd rather go out of my way to make sure a guest wasn't in any danger of suffering health problems than risk it.

I equate it to dietary restrictions for pregnant women. There are things they can't or shouldn't eat and I will go out of my way to make sure the ingredients I use are safe for a person with dietary restrictions to eat or at least know are there. And I don't think it's a big deal to tell other guests who are preparing foods "hey, so and so can't have ____" because I don't think my other guests would want to be the reason someone went to the hospital or had a problem as a result.

I take it that for a dinner party you're inviting friends and family. If your attitude towards severe food allergies is, "To hell with you, you'll eat what I cook or get out," then you're pushing ex-friend status. It's not that hard to ask people if they have an allergy. If I can keep someone from having their throat swell shut then I will.

I don't expect hosts to accommodate me but so many of them do anyway, and they seem to enjoy trying new things as they are confident in their cooking abilities. Best bet is to ASK the person with the allergy if they like what you plan to serve. Most of the time I tell people I can adapt to anything, which is true. I can even eat some wheat if I don't care that I'm risking stomach cancer and leukemia later on (and I have never said that to my friends). That is how low-key I am. But I sure do appreciate hosts who go out of their way. And ps it is rather annoying that restaurants list meals as "gluten free" when they've simply removed the bread, pasta or croutons. If you want to make that claim, make something that we can't normally eat. We already know that pears and wine don't have wheat in them, thank you.

Above, Rum notes, "There is no way in hell I'm asking and catering to that level of insanity."
Just for the record, food allergies are not the same as insanity. Serve what you like, just let people know what it is. Not hard at all.

@Rumagogo yes and people calling wheat allergies an "intolerance" is also at an all time high. It's not. It's a real allergy observable in lab tests.

Wow, some people on here have probably never encountered someone with an actual allergy. It's not that hard to create allergen free dishes, not hard at all. If you don't like being a good host, don't have people to your house.

Wow, seeing a lot of snide responses here. Before I was diagnosed with a wheat allergy 5 years ago I hosted get togethers for friends with all sorts of restrictions. I didn't find it a burden at all; part of the joy was being thoughtful and knowing just how to make my friends happy. Now my friends do the same for me. Sorry it's such a downer for a few other people here.

Advice AS a host for guests! If the host makes sure that there are dishes that accomodate your food allergy/sensitivity and/or dietary restrictions, be polite and eat the food!

I have a friend who does not eat gluten and is a vegetarian, so I make a huge effort whenever she's coming over to make sure that there's plenty of food she can eat. She's so picky, though, that she'll inevitably decline to eat anything I've made and will then eat a gluten-free power bar. It's not like I'm a bad cook, or as if the meals I make are just really gross, so it's always rude when I go out of the way to accomodate her dietary restrictions and she just eats a power bar.

I have had various dietary restrictions during my life and would never,ever expect anyone to plan a dinner around me. If there isn't anything for me to eat, then I eat when I get home. My Grandma did guilt trip me into eating rouladen when I was a vegetarian. She only got to cook for me once a year:(
Whenever I bring something for a potluck I make a little card that lists the ingredients to make things easier for people with restrictions.

@mdorothy, I could not agree more! Of course, if you're having 3 people over for a dinner party, serve something everyone can eat. But if it is a big enough party to warrant labelling the food (ie you may not be nearby to be asked) then serve whatever you want. I'm a vegetarian, and I make a point of eating before a cocktail party in case there isn't anything without meat there. People with allergies can easily do the same, and parents of kids with allergies should have allergen-free snacks with them anyways.

@MCross, THANK YOU for being reasonable about your kids' allergies. I cannot count the number of "Allergy Parents" I've encountered who DO expect the world to revolve around their children's allergies, and it is wonderful to encounter someone who doesn't. Your kids will turn out far more normal for it.

@Phira I agree that's rude however did you ASK her if she liked the sort of food you're making? I can't tell you how many servers have said to me, "why don't you just get the mushroom / hummus / sea bass dish?" Well. I hate all those things. If you ask first and they don't touch it, that is rude. But do you expect all your other guests to eat everything on the table?

I think people with food allergies would agree with you that food allergies are complicated and inconvenient. Mostly they prioritize not dying over convenience, though.

As someone with a life threatening food allergy that can be triggered by being in the same room as the food being cooked, I'm very aware of allergies and working to accommodate them. When having people over, I always ask if they have allergies or food restrictions, and I work around those. I also let people know before I go to their home for dinner that I'm allergic. I don't expect to have special treatment, but most people don't want to send a friend to the hospital. My biggest request for parties--label your food. If I can see what it's main ingredients are, I'm much more likely to feel safe eating it.

I think the responsibility always rests with the guest to inform the host of their allergy. People with life-threatening allergies, or ones that affect their lives drastically will always tell you.

Once I organized a food-share for a cottage weekend with my friends. I asked the allergy question in an email and almost all foods were off limits. One girl said that she can't have dairy or peaches. Turns out the girl is mildly lactose intolerant and peaches make her mouth itchy... People went way out of their way to plan meals without diary, and the first night she slathered butter all over her corn ignoring the earth-balance someone brought for her, and put cheese all over her veggie burger ignorning the vegan cheese, also brought just for her.

My point is, that question can lead to a lot of unnecessary and fake allergies coming out of the woodwork which can restrict your dinner making options drastically. I welcome a challenge to accommodate real allergies, but the fake ones annoy the hell out of me!

Wow, some people are pissed off and don't think they should have to accommodate anyone, others are pissed off that people with allergies are indulging in the food offered at the dinner. You can't win.

Everyone is focusing on gluten-intolerance here. The above checklist is CRAZY. I mainly cook wheat-free by choice. Helps with my seasonal allergies for some reason. However, I cannot guarantee a non-cross contaminated kitchen for people with sever allergies.

Accommodating guests to a sane degree is one thing, but making VG,SF, DyeF, etc dishes to accommodate self-imposed dietary restrictions and allergies is insane. People can eat what they want, but I do not have time, money or care to accommodate every whim and intolerance.

@Carrotsticks - Ugh, I hate that. I have a threshold for stuff like that. I'll go out of my way for you once or twice, but if I notice you aren't really allergic to anything you said you were or you turn out to just be a horribly picky person, I'll stop accommodating you. For friends I know well, I know they wouldn't lie so I always accommodate them or at least offer alternatives I know they can eat.

@ Carrotsticks - I have been in a similar situation where a person who made a server at a restaurant feel HORRIBLE that butter was accidentally put on his veggies would then eat pizza (with cheese) the next day and just pop a few Lactaid pills. Very, very annoying.

However, a dear friend's oldest son is allergic to peanuts. When I make food for their house (party, gift, whatever) of course I don't include peanuts, and I run every prep utensil through the dishwasher just before cooking. It's not a huge effort, honestly, and I feel better knowing that the risk of cross-contamination went down by a ton. We don't eat a lot of peanuts or peanut butter in our house (rarely, in fact) but we do eat it sometimes - like Thai take-out.

i recently took my 18 month old daughter to a 2 year old's birthday party. as we were eating the cake we were like "what's that taste?" it was peanut butter! no one told us. thankfully we did not have peanut allergies but this is the other extreme. I hope we can all meet in the middle on this one.

@Bagelsmom - Well, that's something different. Is it an unspoken rule that parents tell other parents about peanuts on premises? As a non-parent, I don't really think it's a big deal to have peanut butter in the cake, unless the parent making the cake knew a child at the party would have an allergy and didn't tell anyone there was peanut butter... or if no one had specifically asked "are there peanuts in this?" and maybe a parent had. Clearly not you, since you and your child do not have peanut allergies. In this case, it'd be the responsibility of the parent of the child with allergies to ask what dessert items had peanuts.

The part that makes me wonder about allergies is that not that long ago nobody had such severe allergies. Now, everybody is carrying an epi pen and on the verge of death if I cook with tree nuts, peanuts, milk, eggs, fish, you name it.
It just makes me wonder about what happened to us.....

My husband and I are hosting thanksgiving with both of our families this year (15 people!) and have a multitude of allergies and picky eaters. Wanting to accommodate and keep everyone happy, we created a shared google doc with the proposed menu with each dish assigned to a person and at the top a space for everyone to list their serious dislikes and food issues (vegetarians, gluten frees, no eggs, etc.). Clearly this is something one can only do with close friends or family, but it really helps us to menu plan!

@HHRI it probably is a result of (1) an evolution in gut microbes (2) better diagnostic tools. Many thousands of people may have had these allergies too but were labeled as having a "weak stomach" and eventually died of cancer from all the inflammation.

My 2 cents, for what they're worth...
As a host, I always ask if there's anything people can't eat. I generally know though if I'm inviting someone over for dinner, but I always ask anyways-you never know if things have changed.
As a vegan, I do not want anyone going out of their way for me. I always offer to bring a dish and make sure I don't arrive hungry. But I am lucky that I do not have an allergy, it is a choice I made. So I would never make a deal of it.

I really feel for those with allergies. It really is a matter of life and death for some people, so why, as a host, would I not make a point of accommodating that? I think if you have any creativity in the kitchen, you can work around almost everything. Including the dinner party I threw with a vegan (me), no tomatoes, mushrooms, bananas, seafood and someone that doesn't like vegetables in general. All with just 5 of us.

I'm sorry, but this all gets a little rediculous. If you are an adult with an allergy, you should be grown up enough to manager it yourself and not expect everyone elses world to revolve around you.

If you are an adult with a child who has an allergy, you should be responsible enough to manage that with your child, and not be one of those frustrating parents who think everyone elses world should revolve around your child.

I am violently reactive to eggs and have suffered the cross contamination thing enough times to know it is best to pass on food prepared by anyone who doesn't really get it or anyone who just doesn't care (I hate to say it, but I have witnessed too many hosts and cooks who roll their eyes like it is all in my head and they surely know better--that's not just ignorant, it's cruel).<BR>

I don't expect anyone to accommodate my dietary restrictions and plan to eat beforehand and/or bring my own little something to eat. If a host/cook asks for specifics and wants to make something I can enjoy, I'm thrilled. But mostly it would just be nice not to have the spotlight put on me and my condition put out for public discussion which has happened--it isn't fun having that called to attention and then debated. It's embarrassing but it happens and I'll never understand why. When I say "I'll pass, but thank you" and someone actually gets irked or downright angry, I just don't get it.

All I can say is thank god I have such easy family and friends. The only things I have to avoid are mushrooms, blatant onion, and pork.

What a bunch of childish responses, ahem @TheDanMan. If you bothered to read the comments we made it excruciatingly, painfully clear that the host can cook whatever damned thing they want to. Some very thoughtful hosts choose to make special dishes for their allergic friends. And as a guest I may not host every year but as a Biologist I have access to some of the coolest wild animals you'll ever see at wildlife sanctuaries. Those hosts who were so kind to me will be invited. The rest of you who said I should whimper and keep my mouth closed about my allergy can shove it.

Generally I will not cater to someone's self-imposed restrictions or "diet" -- although for vegetarians I will make sure the main dish is something that can be served without meat (i.e. pasta with meat on the side) or that there are enough side dishes that are vegetarian so that they will be taken care of.

As for allergies--- I generally KNOW the allergies of any friends who I know well enough to invite over for a meal. In my experience, these individuals will go out of their way to let you know about their allergy. In this case, I make sure that I do my best to accomodate them. That doesn't mean I would necessarily make an entirely gluten-free meal, but that I would be happy to make sure at least several dishes are gluten-free.

I do feel for people with serious allergies who can be sent into shock by cross-contamination. If you tell someone that you are allergic to a certain nut, they will avoid serving it, but they might not examine all their oils to make sure that none are processed in the same factory as that nut and might be contaminated by air-born particles. I accidentally served someone with a severe sesame allergy a dish cooked with peanut oil that had been processed in the factory with sesame seeds. It was in fine print on the bottle, but I didn't know to look for that information once I saw that it was made with 100% peanut oil. One seed was enough to send her into shock and require a heavy dose of antihistamines. It was horrible for her and I felt so guilty. However, it is the responsibility of the person with the allergy to inform the host about the risks...people without allergies have never had cause to scrutinize ingredient lists before. It may be embarrassing to ask to read the label of the oils, but speak up politely if it is serious enough to send you into shock and ruin the evening for everyone. I know I wouldn't mind if someone with an extreme allergy told me what ingredients might cause problems beyond the obvious ones.

Wow, there are some insensitive folks out there! There are, of course, some rude people out there who expect hosts to go to silly lengths for them, but that's not exclusive to allergies ("I'd rather have lasagna than turkey for Thanksgiving. Could you make that too?"). But telling people what ingredients you've used in a dish so they can avoid allergens is not that hard. If you're really that irritated by people who have food allergies, either don't host parties or pre-screen people before you become friends with them. :) After my last emergency room visit because of accidentally-ingested tiny pieces of mango, some people started taking me more seriously with regard to my allergies. I'm really lucky: the foods I react to are generally easy to avoid, and I have more than a few minutes before my airway starts to swell shut...unlike some people.

I think everyone is missing my point. If someone is TRULY allergic to something that causes major damage (egg allergies and Celiac). I cannot be responsible for cross-contamination in my kitchen. I can cook wheat and egg free dishes (for example), however I cannot guarantee these things unless I cook a totally egg and gluten free meal. So, in that case, I absolutely will not be responsible for someone's health. And for people that truly have these allergies, they are incredibly threatening, and I don't know why anyone would put their trust in someone other than themselves.

Now, if someone is just intolerant. Say a mild dairy problem, or a mild wheat intolerance, I am not going out of my way. It's an intolerance. Eat it, don't eat it, or bring a dish.

As to people who *choose* to be vegetarians, vegans, or make other choices about their food, I REALLY don't care. I don't eat wheat generally and I don't eat a lot of meat at all. However, if I'm a guest and the menu includes steak sandwiches, I'm going to eat it. Hospitality goes both ways, and inconveniencing the host is the utmost in inhospitable.

@dolcevita,

She's actually a great person, but flaky and irresponsible, yes.. The allergy thing surprised me though, it was weird because she never mentioned it before and then all of a sudden it was there on the google doc we were using to track all of the restrictions and to plan, then, in real life, it was gone... it was also confirmed that she did in fact request it when her best friend called her out on it. Everyone just laughed it off as "crazy Steph just being weird again", but a lot of people were irked by it. Rightfully so.

I think it sounds like reasonable people are reasonable about this. I don't hear anyone here with allergies demanding tiny signs with restaurant codes on them to be at every dinner party. It's probably really nice for them to be asked if they have an allergy, but I maintain that it's on the allergic to let the host know. I love adapting recpies because it allows me to experiment as well as research new ways of making things. If someone says they're allergic to something, I'll accommodate, even if it sounds ridiculous or minor, but as Pi said, there are limited number of times I'll do that for someone who I know is just making things up.

I myself think I have an allergy to pineapple because my mouth hurts like hell whenever I eat it, but I don't make it known because a) it's not life threatening, b) it's rarely hidden and c) it's never restricts me from eating all together.

@dolcevita, let's take it down a notch.

I refuse to cook for my best friend's son with a peanut allergy. Not that I wouldn't love to accommodate, but simply because if I make an error HE WILL DIE. They always come with food.

Entertaining my husband's family is often stressful because there are several who are gluten-free and casein free (health reasons), a few who are intolerant of diary, a few with celiac disease.... Another comment mentioned grilled meats and veggies, which is what we always do -- but even the marinade can have gluten. We make every effort to serve food for everyone but it gets really rough to create a meal with limited ingredients. (We pretty much always have the same menu with limited variations.) In the end, it's about the company and not what we eat, it would just be nice to have some new meals!

@RumAGoGo,

Sounds like you host wonderfully warm and inviting dinner parties. Also sounds like you have an intolerance to being reasonably accommodating.

As a vegetarian, I happily inform my host that I don't eat meat prior to the dinner and ask if I can bring something. I will not eat an animal to please you or any host. If vegetarians not eating the meat-meal you've prepared for them offends you, then let them know not to come. Not taking into account someone's ethical or religious beliefs is also incredibly inhospitable!

I'm never offended when the host accepts my offer and doens't make anything for me. I ask what is vegetarian and make assumptions about mistakes people often make (like chicken stock in the mashed potatoes but still calling them veg) and keep quiet and avoid the suspicious dishes. It's not life threatening (at least for my life) so I don't make a fuss about it, but I'm not about to divert from my personal beliefs to make sure you see me eating steak. How perverse!

I will usually ask on the invite, if there are any restrictions/allergies I should know about. Sometimes its just easier to make the entire menu that way... Either vegan.. Or onion/garlic free, or eggless... I dont have any food allergies that I know of, but I can understand that sometimes allergies can be fatal... Better safe than sorry!! I come from a place where coconuts are part of everyday diet, and my neighbor is allergic to coconuts!!! I never knew there was something like that:)

Thank you to the person who brought up privacy. At restaurants, when I'm trying to be "low maintenance", I'll simply push the complimentary bread basket towards my partner. Then a server will come over to me and say, what's wrong? Is the bread not good??? Making a scene of course. For gatherings, HAVE A CONVERSATION with the allergic person on the phone days before the event. I think you'll find that (1) we are very easy to work with and (2) if you just spend five minutes talking to us all the stress will be eliminated. Maybe you don't know how to work around our allergies easily, but we do.

I host dinner parties all the time for a variety of people, but I've actually had very few problems with this. I know one person (a friend's boyfriend) who keeps an insane self-imposed diet and I just can't cook for him - even things like pepper and salt are suspect. His gf usually brings something for him to eat.

I've never dealt with the issue of extreme allergies, and I think that I too would be wary of trying to accommodate that - the stakes are just too high for me to ask someone else to trust me with their or their kids' life. But thus far, I haven't had those issues. I always ask guests about (more minor) allergies and dislikes ahead of time and plan accordingly - that just seems to be like being a good host.

By the way, re meat eating - I'm a vegetarian and my partner is vegan, though most of our friends eat meat. Most of what we serve is vegan, and no one has ever complained! We always get rave reviews on our food.

The friends we have with celiac would never consent to eating food prepared in our kitchen, because of possible cross-contamination. There are gluten-free restaurants we go to, or they bring their own food (hey, they binned ALL their cookware and bakeware and started fresh).

The people we know with severe food allergies cannot risk cross-contamination, and so will bring food to share. I am willing to cook for them, but they simply cannot afford to take the risk. Those with milder allergies in our coterie, I am so familiar with that I am easily able to make a sufficient range of dishes to accommodate all -- those with nut, egg, dairy allergies, and religious prohibitions (no meat, no pork).

I have Celiac Disease, and agree with you. I don't expect accommodation, but when people do carefully accommodate it feels like a huge gift and brings tears to my eyes! What makes me depressed is when people actually try, but then use an ingredient like soy sauce that I can't eat. Or they make a casserole and put bread crumbs on one half and not on the other, thinking that should be good enough. It's hard to face their dissapointment after they've made the effort, but it will make me sick to eat it.

Whenever I invite people into my home, I'm hoping that they have a good time and enjoy themselves. I'd prefer to try to create a meal that they not only CAN eat, but hopefully that they'll love.

Otherwise I just wouldn't invite them over.

@spikele, your meat eating comment is exactly my point. It's your house. You do not have to accommodate meat eaters. You cook what is appropriate for your kitchen.

Really, the absolute worst are vegetarians or vegans who expect meals to be planned around them. Seriously, you made a choice to be difficult with your food, there is nothing stopping you eating a real meal except your own guilt. If I am inviting people around for a roast or BBQ, guess what will be served?

@DanMan what a boorish comment. I was a vegetarian for 20 years (before my wheat allergy was discovered) and I actually hid my diet because of people like you. Do you have an actual example of someone who treated you that way, or are you basing your "experience" on what you've seen on reality TV? I find 99 percent of meat eaters who say this bully vegetarians. I knew quite a few vegans in college and most of them didn't even mention their diet, much less demand anything.

...suddenly feeling quite lucky for the friends, family, and kind colleagues I share meals with (whether I bring my own food to eat or they let me know what is in the stuff they've made). Egg allergy is looking pretty good compared to what some people apparently get to look forward to with some of these hosts!

As someone who has suffered from a severe dairy allergy my entire life, this posting and its long comment section caught my eye.

Dealing with severe allergies is a tricky thing. It creates a life where every detail about a meal, especially when eating out, cannot be overlooked. Cross contamination by simple mixing of spoons can result in your throat closing. With many restaurants not being able to accommodate such extreme allergies, I tend to either sit at dinners with friends with just a drink, always having to find a way to be witty about the "Why aren't you eating?" question, or I just plain don't go (in hopes to avoid the awkward questions or looks from waiters).

Having a health problem that revolves around food is tricky, seeing as how meals are what most of our days revolve around. More often than not, I understand that people have trouble understanding its severity, so I have become accustomed to finding a way to politely decline an offer for someone to make a meal for me, eat before I join them, and then just enjoy the company of my friends.

However, I will say that when someone makes the effort to go out of their way to create a clean, safe environment for me, and puts in the hard work of creating a meal that I can eat, words cannot describe what it means to me. Even choosing for us to dine at one of the few restaurants that I can eat at so that I can feel included makes me feel more "normal". My family members have even created a system to put little cow flags on food items that have dairy in them for holiday dinners, and seeing something like that lets me know that they truly care.

Not every friend can accommodate it, and I know that. But I associate myselves with people who either admit they cannot cook for me and don't want to risk my well being, and our relationship doesn't involve dinners, or people who go the extra mile to show they care.

I am a "real adult" living my "real" life with food allergies for over 21 years now, and I just ask you don't trivialize a real health condition by calling it "insane" without a proper understanding.

It's tip #2 in the main post that to me is the most challenging. If you're throwing a party, then you have to police not only every single dish in your own cooking for possible offenders of any guest's dietary restrictions, but everybody else's cooking also, and "completely rid the house of that food"? That is nearly impossible. And it if that was really what I was going for, the stress level would be so high that I would never entertain.

Both I and my 5-year old have nut allergies (my own are several ranging from "get me to the emergency room" to "I'll med up and it should be okay"). I think it's unreasonable to expect that if somebody invites us over there will be no nuts in the house anywhere.

Rather, as a host, I try my best to make sure there is something for everybody. For my celiac friend, I educate myself on avoiding cross-contamination but I sometimes do also serve gluteny foods that of course she does not eat. As a guest I just want to know what the ingredients are so that I know what I may enjoy and what I must avoid.

I've been vegetarian for 35 years. If I'm invited to a bbq I'll bring my wn Boca burgers, thanks. Like several of the posters with allergies, I do not expect my hosts to plan the meal around me--I'll bring a dish, or make a meal off side dishes. What does make me truly angry is when people think I won't mind if I don't know, & don't mention the chicken stock in the soup or lard in the pastry. For one thing, it often has me vomiting later. For another, there seems to be a fair bit of malice in it--why on earth would a person deliberately & secretly try to undermine someone's deeply held beliefs? Would you try to slip pork into the food of someone who kept kosher?
Speaking just for myself here, all I want//need to know is what's in the food.
And if you're roasting a hog, I'll stay home.

Reading this post makes me thankful for good friends. My teenage daughter has had severe food allergies since she was 8 months old. We found out the hard way, anaphalactic shock. Until you see someone with her face and lips swollen beyond recognition and struggling to take a single breath, you do not know how serious allergies can be. When we are invited to friends houses, I bring a dish that she can eat and my friends graciously offer to makes something else that she can have. I am surprised at the level of hostility towards people with allergies and Celiac which are medical conditions that no one would wish upon themselves. If you cannot at least show some consideration to your guest, then do not ask them over if it is such a bother.

Totally with you 3dogma. None of my friends would do that, but I suspect it's happened, intentionally or otherwise.
I'm not a vocal vegan (lots of people in my life don't know because I don't make an issue of it), but if you do know, I'm not sure what a person has to gain by doing this.
I don't judge people who eat meat (hell, my husband is an omnivore), all I ask is that I get the same-non-judgement in return.

"real people" "survive to tell the story"
You are being rude, close-minded and elitist. How dare you imply that you are above or more authentic that those who have food allergies. A host should seek to have his/her guests enjoy themselves. You are no host at all.

After reading all these comments, I would say that the biggest problem between hosts and guests is failing to communicate beforehand. I don't think there is any restriction that can't be worked around. I'm a vegetarian who suspects a gluten intolerance. My two kids (ages 2 and 4) have multiple food allergies and not even the same ones. Our family could be a big PITA to have over to dinner, but I try to find out what's being served ahead of time to we can plan accordingly. I bring along some of our own foods, bring a safe dish to share, snack in the car on the way; whatever seems most appropriate for the situation. We also have frequent conversations with the kids about never taking something to eat without checking with us first. This has been their life as long as they can remember, and they understand that some foods may make them very sick.

Because nice hosts usually do want to know how they can accommodate us, here's my two cents: don't throw away food labels until we've had a chance to scan the ingredients; serve an assortment of plain, fresh fruit and veggies-- safe for almost everyone; leave out some plain potatoes before mashing the rest with milk and butter; if grilling meat for my kids, cook a plain piece on some aluminum foil so it doesn't touch anything else; serve salad with dressing and nuts on the side; and watch for cross-contamination with utensils. Also, I'm embarrassed if someone attempts to find or prepare the vegetarian or allergy-free substitutes for every single dish. It's way more work and expense, and really not necessary. And don't be offended if I swoop down on the nut bowl you've left on the coffee table and place it out of reach.

If my family is invited somewhere for a meal, we're going for the friendship, not the food. We may not eat a lot of what's prepared, but we appreciate being included and really do want to work with you to make it easy on everyone.

With just a few guests, it's easy to accommodate pretty much all allergies. As the size of the guest list grows, so do the number of foods to avoid. At some point, pretty much all the hosts can do is provide a variety of foods, and make sure that there is one dairy-free dish, one soy-free dish, one vegan/vegetarian dish, etc. Putting cheese in everything would be out, as would putting meat in every dish, or nuts. Most people could eat rolls and butter, or fresh fruit or raw veggies.

The one thing I'd be afraid of is hosting someone who needs a gluten-free diet. I bake bread a couple of times a week--there's probably traces of gluten on just about everything in my kitchen. I'd rather host friends with gluten-free diets at a restaurant that can cater to their needs, rather than send them home from my house sick.

My good friend is allergic to gluten and doesnt mind passing on cake and just eating the other gluten-free options (like fruits) but I dont mind making her something special. However if I wanted to invite someone with a serious allergy I would 100% make sure my food was safe for them. I WANT my friends to feel included (crazy I know). Isnt that the point of being a host? Because you want to cater to your friends?

Hmm, so much anger! Best thing? Make a little salad bar. Lettuce, various veg or fruit, oil and vinegar and other dressings. A salad can be a complete meal without being a complete pain in arse. I can't eat peppers or chilies. It makes my stomach burn like crazy and I feel like vomiting. If I eat them, I burp their taste for hours after and thus ruin my night. If asked by a host if there is anything I can't eat, I say peppers and chilies. If I'm not asked and I show up to a Mexican feast, I eat what's pepper free, and will maybe take the risk to pick peppers out. NBD. If I know my guest has a terrible allergy, I wouldn't plan the *entire* meal around them; that's also unfair to my other guests. But I WILL make sure there is plenty there that they can eat, so no one feels left out and go over what's in everything and how prepared it if necessary. It seems some of you with allergies really don't want people to make a fuss; you just want people to understand you can't eat something and maybe work with you to make a dish you can have. That's totally reasonable. A friend of a friend is "sort-of" vegetarian. She will eat meat if it's organic, grass fed, blah blah which is what my hubby and I eat anyway, but I still double check the main meal with her if I know she's joining us. Although she won't sit on our leather couch (??). Another friend is vegan, and yeah sometimes I don't tell her there is chicken stock or eggs in something. Not because I don't care, but because she's known to scramble some eggs and eat a grilled cheese on a whim and I don't have a vegan friendly pantry. If I can make it vegan for her I will, if not....oh well.

My daughter has a severe peanut allergy. She ALWAYS has an epipen on her. All of our good friends know this and alert me to any dishes she can't have. If we're going somewhere where the host doesn't know our family well enough to know this fact already, then I bring food for my daughter and break it out ONLY if I can't find something safe for her to eat. A big one is birthday parties. I just stop by a bakery I know is peanut-free and pick up a single cupcake on the way to parties and that way she can enjoy celebrating with everyone, without burdening the host with hunting down safe cake.

Do you guys who won't accommodate your guests' allergies also refuse to omit the pork for guests who keep kosher?

I have very severe food allergies (including anaphylaxtic reactions to eggs and wheat and milder reactions, ranging from hives to vomiting, to a number of other foods), so I feel pretty justified in commenting to help out any other well-meaning individuals who would prefer not to kill their friends.
1) I really don't want to inconvenience anyone. Cross-contamination is a big risk for me, and so most of the time, I'd prefer to eat before and enjoy drinks with my friends. I'm also happy to bring a dish. And with really close friends or family, you know what I really love? Cooking together! It's fun, and my mind (and yours!) can be totally at ease because I'll wash every dish myself before we use it to cook.
2) If you're going to serve things buffet style, with tags indicating what things have allergens in them, thank you! Great! Really well done. I'd just add that it's nice to let the people with allergies serve themselves first, so that they can minimize the risk of cross contamination.
3) People with very severe allergies CAN react to the presence of allergens in the air. Many children with nut and peanut allergies go into shock from the mere proximity of peanut butter. I can develop a severe asthma attack if I am in the room while someone boils (regular) pasta, or if I am present while they are baking and flour is flying about in the air. If you're having someone over with an allergy this severe, I'd consider it courteous to let them know. Then, if you aren't willing to change your plans a little to help them out, they can at least know that it would be better not to come over.
and finally, 4) If the most virulently hateful commenters above are as vocal about these opinions in real life as they are on the internet, I imagine that they don't actually have to cook meals to accommodate people with dietary restrictions. I, for one, don't usually seek the friendship of people who make terrible assumptions about me.

Wow. Some really hateful people here.

My best friend has a serious peanut allergy (even the scent can cause her to need to use her epi-pen.) You better bleeping believe I tailor my dinner parties to exclude anything that could possibly hurt her. And I would do the same for ANY guest in my home.

Make no mistake....Allergies aren't a "fad" and aren't "annoying." They're a very real thing that happens to a minority of people and for them they can mean everything from gastric discomfort to a trip to the ER and even death.

If you don't care about people who come to your home, you shouldn't be having dinner parties.

I don't know, I don't think that the meat-veg thing is equivalent both ways. My partner and I abstain from meat (and him from dairy) for ethical/religious reasons, and so we cook veg for guests too. But that doesn't seem comparable to someone who makes meat for guests just because "that's what I usually cook, so suck it up."

I don't cook meat, but I always take into account my guests' tastes/allergies/religious observances (e.g. no wine in food when there are Muslims coming). That just seems like good hosting! I love cooking for friends, and want them to feel comfortable and well-fed. Why else have people over?

If you have a dietary restriction -- whether medical or voluntary -- I think the onus is on you to initiate communication about it. Hosts should be as gracious and accommodating as possible, but they shouldn't have to ask.

I've had a slew of strange dietary restrictions over the past two years due to cancer treatment, and every time I've made plans with friends, step one has been for me to list my current no-can-do's. Sometimes I've had to avoid raw food, sometimes I have to eat annoyingly early. I've never encountered anyone who wasn't incredibly accommodating (even servers in restaurants) once you mention a medical restriction.

Oh, and just to weigh in on whether allergies seem more common now than they used to:

In a certain way, better medical care has made us sicker as a society. Let's say a child has a severe allergy of some sort. In the past, before better diagnosis and screening, that kid was more likely to die during childhood from that allergy.

But the allergy is only one problem. Kids with allergies are more likely to develop other immune disorders. Let's take that kid with the allergy again and say that it's bad, but not enough to kill him. Maybe in the past, he would have just learned to avoid the allergen and went undiagnosed. But he also had asthma. Which made him more prone to infections like pneumonia, and he still died during childhood from problems with infection.

Now, the important thing to note here is that people who once would have passed away before they reached their child-bearing years are now living on and having kids of their own. So yes, better diagnosis makes these things seem more prevalent now, but better treatment also ironically does make them more prevalent. This is true for all illnesses or disorders with a genetic component. People like me who would have died (or been rendered infertile by treatment) are instead sticking around and perpetuating our flawed genetic material.

@ HHRI - there is speculation that, as American children, we were given round after round of amoxicillin (antibiotic) everytime we got the sniffles.
Americans have allergies. Europeans don't.

I was chastised by a crusty old British chef once, that he thought all of us Americans were making up allergies. Please. If I had may way, I'd eat anything you'd put in front of me. I'm just trying not to ruin the party with a trip to the emergency room.

I am one of those with a list of food allergies.
I think the suggestions here are a bit extreme... but good to be aware of.

What I wish would happen?
Maybe a list of ingredients. Or at least be willing to tell me when I ask. I'm not trying to steal your recipe. And comebacks like, "try it. it's delicious." are not helpful. I really need know, or I won't eat it.

Also, be aware of cross contamination. Nothing is worse than eyeing the one thing on the buffet that I can have - only to see some moron use the tongs from the shrimp (DEADLY SHRIMP!!!) on the pasta dish... and now I can't have any. Thanks a lot. Where's my granola bar?

To those who say you made food according to the restrictions and were offended when the allergy girl didn't eat it... can I tell you how many of even my very close friends who still forget one thing in each dish that I can't have?!?!?! You think you got it right, but there's celery in it (really, celery of all things is one thing i can't have. I haven't had stuffing for thanksgiving in ten years!!!! dang it)

just be as accommodating as you wish. Try not to be judgy. And please don't quiz us or make the conversation revolve around our allergies. It's hard enough being a freak without everyone making a federal case of it.

Oh... and if the allergy girl brings a dish that won't kill her... try to be good-natured about trying it. I swear, most of my food is way more yummy than all the holiday standards. But I bring a ClickChick friendly dish to Easter and no one tries it because they've been looking forward to green bean casserole? um. have both.

I try to remember to ask new friends if they have food restrictions, but I assume that, if I forget to ask, they'll tell me, especially if it's a severe allergy.

I don't get all the fuss. People have allergies, that's life. And if people have strong moral choices, like veganism, that's life, too. I try to accommodate everyone to the best of my abilities, since they're my guests and I want them to be happy and safe, and I've always found that people are super appreciative. My vegan/vegetarian/allergic friends are often the most generous, too, and usually bend over backwards to bring food and drinks to share.

As an aside, I enjoy new challenges in the kitchen. I love to bake, and I've had a good time experimenting with gluten-free and vegan recipes.

Wow, I can't believe the meanness in some of the comments! Frankly, if throwing a party is more about you--the host--than your guests, then I'm glad I'm not on your guest list! (Yes, I'm talking to you @TheDanMan.)

Both my kids have multiple CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED food allergies (including wheat, dairy, nuts, peanuts, sesame--even corn) for which they carry Epipens and Benadryl everywhere. I don't ask people to make something special for the kids, in part because there's still the risk of cross-contamination of allergenic foods to the allergy-free food. So whenever we/they are invited somewhere, I always ask the host what's on the menu, then I do my best to match it with something safe; we end up taking food most places--family gatherings, birthday parties, etc. My kids are good sports as long as they get something they like. After 10 years of cooking/baking this way, thankfully I've gotten pretty good at it. The other bonus is that we can host ANYONE--friends who are Muslim, keep kosher, those with Celiac disease, vegetarians & vegans--and they feel safe eating here. As a host, I get a lot of satisfaction from being able to safely feed people, and really it's not that difficult. Most people with allergies or other food restrictions would be thrilled to find JUST ONE THING at the party they can eat.

meghan and suzenelson, you've offered great tips for hosts. I'd add that if you're having something catered, give the guest with allergy/food concerns the name and phone number of your caterer. That way your guest can find out directly if there will be anything safe on the menu.

For those of you unbelievers who've encountered people who say they can't eat something because it makes their mouth itchy, this is a real allergy. It's called Oral Allergy Syndrome. I know because one of my kids has it. The proteins (what triggers the allergic reaction) are concentrated in the peels of fruits and vegetables. Some people can eat a food (like apples) as long as it's peeled. In other cases (like tomatoes), they can eat them when cooked, but not fresh. OAS won't lead to anaphylactic shock, but it is a actual allergic problem for some people.

It IS incumbent upon those of us who deal with allergies or other food restrictions every day to bring it up with the host. If, as a host, you can't accommodate someone, then it's up to you to just say so--without being judgmental about the allergies/Celiac/medical issues/religion/choice to be vegetarian/vegan/carnivorous. Then we can decide to accept or decline your invitation.

@ClickChick I hear ya about the tongs! We hosted Thanksgiving a few years ago. Everybody brought food to share. My kids only ate what was safe. Then I walked into the kitchen to find my sister-in-law picking at the turkey carcass--after enjoying plenty of finger food that included cheese and crackers. OK. No leftover turkey for my son! I also had people show up with whipping cream that needed to be whipped (my mixer is dairy-free), bread stuffing w/ nuts that needed to be spooned out of a baking dish into a bowl (that would be my wheat/gluten-free wooden spoon and bowl), and, of course, pecan pie that needed to be sliced and served. Now I have a small collection of serving pieces I reserve for parties. The only hope for leftover turkey is to hide it back in the oven immediately after carving.

Wow. I'm thankful that I live in Australia, because for some bizarre reason, I don't seem to encounter anywhere *near* the amount of allergies and intolerances as the Americans.

And sorry, I don't buy that it's because 'allergies weren't diagnosed in the past, and children died from them instead'. I don't remember a single kid of my acquaintance dying of an allergy back when I was growing up in the '80's (of course, it must have happened, but it was far from common).

I have one couple in my close circle of friends who claim to be 'allergic' to a vast range of foods, including wheat, yeast, milk, onions, lettuce, cheese, tomato, pepper...it's an epic and ever-changing list. What drives me insane is that I've frequently witnessed them both happily chowing down on non-gluten-free pizza, breadsticks, yeast beer, and every other item on their list. It's obvious to everyone that they use 'allergies' to avoid eating foods they don't much like. I won't host them anymore, because I got tired of accommodating 'allergies' that were actually just preferences (or mild intolerances, at worst).

On the other hand, another friend's little girl has an epi-pen for a severe peanut allergy that has nearly killed her on two occasions. I would rid my house of nut products for her, without question.

Point being: not all allergies are life-threatening. If they are, a good host will work around them. But I think things have gone a little far when the host is expected to tie him/herself in knots because a grown adult is mildly lactose intolerant.

...oh, and I don't think the people who are criticizing this article are big fat uncaring jerks who should stop hosting.

Fact is, everyone has to draw the line somewhere. Hosts have limited time/energy/budget as well. I would happily accommodate every allergy/intolerance for an intimate dinner party, but going to this level of micro-managing for a casual potluck with 50 people? Exhausting, and not going to happen.

I went vegan when I was 15. My mom at that point told me "you want it that way ?you cook it yourself."And I did. I stopped being vegan around 21. But that attitude has stuck with me. I understood what it felt like to feel different because I didn't eat things others ate. But in life we are only responsible for ourselves. Therefore I only serve liquor and don't allow kids in my house.

"Don't forget to ask to what degree they are allergic. There is a big difference between someone needing to pull out an epi pen or simply having to stay away from a specific dish."

You are either allergic or not allergic to something. Whilst reactions can range from mild to severe (anaphylactic shock), the problem is that you can't predict the severity of the reaction. That is why people with a history of allergies should always have their Epipen on them. If you suspect you have an allergy, then GET TESTED and find out definitively so that you can adapt your diet accordingly. Also, those who begrudge having to cater to guests' dietary restrictions might start taking allergies seriously.

The rest of the above advice is sound.

It really is not that difficult to cook inclusively - just requires a little creativity and imagination in the kitchen, and it keeps things interesting. You cook for others' enjoyment, not to slavishly execute recipes to the letter.

@Apartment Therapy: I find that, whilst posts like this one might be well-intentioned, they actually encourage people to lump together genuine allergies/intolerances with dietary fads. It's all very well to throw out posts that will generate controversy/indignation (more clicks), but I feel that it's IRRESPONSIBLE to conflate food safety issues with hosting etiquette.

All this kind of depends on IF you get an RSVP or some response, and after the earlier AT post on them, I don't blame people for ditching party hosting. And, if you can't RSVP, I don't care about your allergies (huh, it rhymes!). Unless host/guest REALLY know each other well and accomodate each other equally, it is 'dealing with' those with food issues. The polite thing would be for those with food issues invited to a food centered event (other than a potluck) to graciously decline but maybe suggest 'drinks sometime' or a restaurant meal sometime. Frankly, 'yes, I'd love to come, but I'll bring my own food' should be an unwritten 'no' rule.

With kids, it's a little bit different; there are serious issues, but I feel they're rarer than made out to be. Feed the kid beforehand and send a little snack or if it is really an issue, decline the invitation. Parents don't need to invite the whole class or neighborhood and invitee parents should decline especially if their kids don't hang out with host kids that much.
Vegetarianism or the ? '90s creation 'vegan' aren't medical necessities (ok, maybe a few percent). It's not right or wrong, but it's sad young girls and women get sucked into this so deeply.
I suspect it's been the helicoptering parents from the mid '70s to the present that has caused all this 'epidemic' of allergies. More than likely, 'little Faun' would have been just fine if not given such a restricted diet starting from birth.
Hosts, make what you want if it isn't going to be extra stress or trouble. Invitees, politely decline if 'the food' is a big issue with you; don't haul your own food unless you've actually been recently released from the hospital or recent 'Dr's orders'. Yes, all this is likely to offend more than a few here.

@charlie26 - When people say children died from them in the past, they didn't mean the 80s or even the 50s - they mean a far earlier time, like the 1900s. And before many diagnosing methods were available. And you probably don't encounter as many people with allergies because of the population differences between Australia and the US. Australia has about 22 million people total, while the US has about 314 million total.

More processed foods. It isn't that people are strange or imagine such things... Over years, people have stopped eating less natural/raw things and eat more processed foods full of processed forms of corn, egg, soy and other ingredients. It is messing our bodies up. Well, that is just one cause.. But the foods you mentioned have been the top allergens for quite some time.

There is so much Negative talk and people being rude.

I guess if I were going to someone's house for dinner - I would mention to them my allergies before hand, so they would not think i was rude later if I did not eat certain things and so it could be understood. And maybe depending on what is being cooked, I would have to bring my own food, help make a dish or bring some bread or dessert, or plan to eat after or before the dinner.

However, this original post seems to be more about Birthday Parties and gatherings for children when many kids have these allergies. Or it seems to be a party for a child who has such allergies - So making labeled wrappers around your cupcakes makes more sense. It is thinking of the child that the party is for, and making THEM feel more comfortable and "normal." It seems to be a post for parties where allergies are a focus, not random dinner gatherings.

And for someone who posted repeatedly about "this is my home where REAL people live and REAL people... " People with allergies aren't real and normal? What is with all this rude and disrespectfulness. For all these rude comments, You have no empathy and I wouldn't care to be your friend or have dinner at your home. Weird.

The point is.. the original posting had good ideas for people WANTING to plan such a party or if they have these issues in their lives. JESUS. If you don't care to host such a gathering... don't read the post and don't comment. It doesn't pertain to you.

@Rmbnn "I suspect it's been the helicoptering parents from the mid '70s to the present that has caused all this 'epidemic' of allergies. More than likely, 'little Faun' would have been just fine if not given such a restricted diet starting from birth."

That is an intriguing scientific theory - please elaborate!

Well if anyone wants the science on the rise in allergies it's been linked to some level to the following: A change in gut microbes over the past 40 years, better diagnostics and foreign proteins in GMOs. The people complaining here shouldn't be surprised if they wake up one day and find themselves with adult-onset food allergies like so many others here.

Oops, html fail. Sorry. Here it is again: Well if anyone wants the science on the rise in allergies it's been linked to some level to the following: A change in gut microbes over the past 40 years, better diagnostics and foreign proteins in GMOs. The people complaining here shouldn't be surprised if they wake up one day and find themselves with adult-onset food allergies like so many others here.

Amen. Every second person I know has an 'allergy' to something. Know the difference between a legit allergy, a sensitivity, and a preference. I never knew children with such severe allergies growing up, and now I hear of people being allergic to their own hair. How is that even possible? This craze has gone too far, and this article just showcases how smug and anxiety-ridden people are about food intake.

I'd have to agree with the first poster. I also have a child with severe food allergies, not just peanuts and tree nuts, but also eggs and beans. Neither me nor my husband had prior experience with allergies, so you can imagine our fear in caring for and protecting our child (so much so that I went back to school to become a RN). Whenever our son is invited to an event, particularly birthday parties at which we just drop him off and we do not attend, I try to put myself in the shoes of the host by remembering my initial fear. Many people do not know enough about these kinds of life-threatening allergies to be comfortable catering to their needs, and I definitely do not expect them to do so. It is their party, they can serve what they like.

So when we drop him off, we've made sure to have a quick face-to-face with the host, so we can identify what foods are off-limit. Many times, cupcakes or treats are out of the question, so he knows that if he missed out on "the good stuff" at the party, we'll allow him a little treat when we get home. We also hand over the emergency meds and information to the host. Most of these people we now know very well, but occasionally we still run into those who have the deer in the headlights look. It's a lot of responsibility to place on the host, and some people just don't have the confidence or want that kind of responsibility. That's okay with me - at least they're honest about it. There are plenty of non-food events where he can socialize with those people.

Having an understanding about these kinds of allergies makes me rather open to catering to others' needs when having my own events. I usually ask if there are any special dietary needs, and have a selection of options for everyone. It's not too difficult for someone like me who likes to cook and try new recipes anyway. :)

@Charlie26, I think the problem is that some people really do have "intolerances" which may or may not be undiagnosed true IgE reactions. If that's the case, allergies CAN be just as severe as your friend's little girl's allergy. Because allergies are exponential and what might make someone mildy queasy and itchy one time can cause a serious anaphylactic reaction the next time they are exposed.

On a separate note, three of my good friends are from Australia and they are the only ones I know as adults who have life-threatening allergies. Anecdotal evidence about allergies per country is just that. I don't think it has anything to do with where you live.

@surfjack and Pi

I've lived in Australia for nearly 40 years. These days, I go to kids' birthday parties on a regular basis. Just last weekend, my sister-in-law had a huge, casual backyard bash for my nephew's 4th birtthday. During the afternoon, probably 30 adults and 40 kids came and went. There were all sorts of snacks, dips, cakes, fruit, barbecued meat, crackers, drinks etc available. Nothiing was labelled. This has been true of every gathering I've been to. There are either less allergies/intolerances here, or people are dealing with it differently.

Dismiss it as anecdotal if you want (and yes, I am aware of the population difference between the US and Australia). It's not a criticism, just an observation.

Surfjack, I understand that allergies can be cumulative. My irritation is directed at people who 'can't eat x, y and z' when they're being hosted, and then apparently throw caution to the wind when it suits them. It's snowflakey and rude.

@surfjack and Pi

I've lived in Australia for nearly 40 years. These days, I go to kids' birthday parties on a regular basis. Just last weekend, my sister-in-law had a huge, casual backyard bash for my nephew's 4th birtthday. During the afternoon, probably 30 adults and 40 kids came and went. There were all sorts of snacks, dips, cakes, fruit, barbecued meat, crackers, drinks etc available. Nothiing was labelled. This has been true of every gathering I've been to. There are either less allergies/intolerances here, or people are dealing with it differently.

Dismiss it as anecdotal if you want (and yes, I am aware of the population difference between the US and Australia). It's not a criticism, just an observation.

Surfjack, I understand that allergies can be cumulative. My irritation is directed at people who 'can't eat x, y and z' when they're being hosted, and then apparently throw caution to the wind when it suits them. It's snowflakey and rude.

As a host and professional events-planner, I have found that someone with an allergy, or someone with an allergic kid, generally takes it very seriously and will let me know beforehand. I will do everything I can to keep someone safe, but I take the approach that it's their responsibility to let me know.

Among our group of friends, almost all gatherings involving more than having another couple over for dinner are potlucks. Between allergies, sensitivities, and preferences, it's too complicated to keep track of for several people.

Coming up with a theme & making 1 dish for a potluck is much less taxing on the hosts so in the end we have more gatherings with our friends, and we end up with more interesting meals.

Good list. The few times I've hosted events, I've always asked guests to let me know of any food allergies or dietary restrictions I should know about. No one has ever let me know in advance. Fortunately, there have been no epi-pen-level incidents, but I think it is the height of rudeness to wait until you arrive at a party or luncheon and say that you hope the menu is low calorie because you are on a diet (in a demanding tone, I might add). I'm pretty laid back, but this is beyond the pale to me. It has happened on a few occasions with different people. I now only host family and very close friends because people are no longer taught how to be gracious guests, apparently.

@charlie26, of course there will always be those who go along with the "trend" aspect of food intolerances. The vast majority of gluten-free fans can digest it just fine. But my point is that it doesn't mean that there's not a very important group of people for whom eating gluten risks not only intense discomfort but serious allergic reaction.

I think the difference and the real culprit in food allergy rise is that we live in a world where food isn't really "food" anymore and we clean everything with alcohol and bleach and treat harmless bacterium as life-threatening. It's been proven in Canada and the US that the rise in food allergies in children is VERY real. It isn't that people are being more aware of it, the actual incidence of non-sub-clinical allergies has risen. And the leading theory is that we eat foods that have a lot of chemicals in them AND we live in a clean environment with very little challenge to a developing immune system. (In a recent Canadian study, they've found that children who were born via C-section have more incidence of food allergies, which can mean the bacteria even in the birth canal can be helpful to set the immune system off to a good start. Left without any challenges early on, the immune system can see any new food as an attack and overreact.

All that said, while I think it's great that you've not experienced serious or recognized food allergies in your area or group of friends, it IS anecdotal. Many people have these allergies and lack of personal experience with them doesn't mean they don't exist or that someone who simply thinks they may have an allergy isn't living in real fear. I still think they are in the vast minority, but it does happen and I have a lot of respect for my guests who might just even THINK they have an intolerance. It's a stressful thing and so many people don't have the resources or privilege of being properly diagnosed to begin with.

Bottom line (if I may)
As a food allergy sufferer... my preference is that my friends TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, BUT DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL.

It's not hard to offer one Allergy-Friend-Friendly dish.
I have made up a set of business cards (vista print) that list my allergies. Wait staff in restaurants always express appreciation for the cards. They can confer with the chef/ cooks and verify easily.

My close friends all have a copy of my allergy card. Not to go out of their way to accommodate me, but to help identify what I should avoid in their spread.
One friend is particularly happy to accommodate me --- says my restrictions are easy to avoid... and when preparing something, she can easily determine if she can leave something out (say, eggs - not often, they're often intregral - tomatoes, sometimes not always.) Then she can assuredly tell me what is ClickChick-friendly and what isn't.

Wow, the sheer number of self-centered narcissists on this board is amazing! "Don't anyone dare think I'm going to let their ability to *stay alive* interfere with the pretentiousness of my menu! My need to be THE BEST outweighs your ability to breathe!" Frankly, I'm amazed some of you have friends, but then I guess all the other narcissists who are blessed enough not to have allergies need someone to hang around with.

I just view it as a fun cooking challenge. I fancy myself a pretty good cook, so cooking a menu that accommodates various allergies and even preferences is a good way to improve my skills. My sister is a severely lactose intolerant vegetarian, my boyfriend has oral allergy syndrome and is allergic to some raw fruit/veg and my brother's girlfriend has celiac, so planning a menu that works for all of them is tricky, but not impossible. On the non-allergy side of things, I have a mild lactose intolerance, so I'm fine with butter and most cheeses, but cream, milk and ice cream have unpleasant consequences. I would never expect someone to cook something different for me, as it's in no way life-threatening, but giving me a heads up that there is heavy cream in a dish doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. Pretty sure my friends would rather not have me monopolizing their bathroom post-dinner!

I appreciate the good tips provided in the comments (meghan, suzenelson, and others).

Really, as others have stated, it's about communication and education. I'm happy to work around what I *can* work around (omitting eggs, dairy, etc.), but if it's something I can't (needs to be out of the house completely, like gluten or peanuts), please tell me in advance. And please educate me about your religious/personal eating preferences. I know there's much more to keeping kosher than just not serving pork.

I have a 6yo who is allergic to peanuts and a 5yo who is allergic to hazelnuts and kiwi. Both boys carry an epi-pen and I have taken great care to educate them of what they cannot eat and to ask an adult if unfamiliar food contains nuts before eating it.

FYI - My kids' allergist who also happens to be allergic to peanuts tells me that you cannot have a reaction to them by smell or just being in the same room. Peanuts shells would have to be broken and flying all around (like in some bars where you drop your peanut shells on the floor) for you to breathe the allergen in. This is why I don't freak out when we're at parties with nuts as my kids are able to self-regulate with some reminders. Also, even though my kids are not allergic to all nuts, he advises against them ingesting any nut product as most nuts are processed in the same plants as other nuts which is why traces of nuts on packaged food items do freak me out.

It's interesting to me that this post which simply list some good "tips" (i.e., not must-dos) for the party host has generated so many emotional comments from opposite sides of the argument. The truth is most people fall in the middle of the "cater-to-me-and-my-allergen-guest" vs the "hell-no-eat-what-I-cook-or-leave-host". I consider it MY responsibility to inform people about my kids' allergies and to assess whether a function, particularly those where I'm dropping them off, is safe for them to go. To be honest, I may sometimes lean toward one extreme depending on the situation.

Potluck At My Home: I generally don't ask about food allergies since I'm already reminding guests by email or phone not to bring dishes containing nuts (my kids react to even traces of it) which should trigger a conversation about guests' allergies. I will mention the kiwi allergy but I don't obsess about it as it is not something that is usually hidden in dishes. If a kiwi dish happens to arrive, I will tell my 5yo not to eat it and put it on a high counter where he can't reach it. As for food containing nuts, I have only had one case when a guest brought a box of crackers containing traces of nuts. I put the box away but somehow the crackers were served on a cheese platter sitting on the coffee table. I was pissed when I found out as it could have ruined my son's day but didn't make a big deal of it as no harm was done. My son didn't eat them and I quietly threw the crackers in the garbage.

Party Elsewhere: I try to let the host know about my sons' allergies as an FYI. Once a peanut butter mini sandwich was served at the buffet table. I showed my boys the dish and told them that it had peanut butter ... A no-no food. Another time, it was the birthday cake that had nuts. The boys didn't have any. The boys did not make a fuss either times and had other nut-free sweets instead.

Class Party At School or Party Where You Drop Your Kids Off: Since I cannot be with the kids to manage what they eat, I make it a point to have a conversation with the host. I will ask if the function will be nut-free and make my own decision whether my kids will be safe to go.

I have a problem where I'm stuck in the middle. I have an allergy to onions but it's not life threatening. I start to itch and I take benedryl, make sure I'm around the bathroom for a while and I live. It sucks royally but I'm glad that I'm not allergic to everything under the sun. Besides, onions are super easy to do without.

My in-laws kept forgetting (or perhaps assumed I was faking because it wasn't Epi-Pen serious) and so when I go over there we usually bring something (a salad most times.) I think after seeing me eat nothing but the food I brought they finally got the hint.

I just think it works both ways. Don't be an ass if you're a guest or a host. Put out a variety of foods and if you know your guests, you should be okay.