I think it would be a very charming thing to do, and have both received and given hostess gifts at potlucks. I'd go with something very simple, as you are already bringing food and you don't want to be over the top. Some cute cocktail napkins or a gourmet chocolate bar - just a little something to say, "thank you for opening your home to me on this holiday."

The potluck is the entire point of the Thanksgiving dinner, so the contribution was more or less mandatory. That means that the potluck dish itself is NOT a substitute for the hostess gift.

If you don't want to bring a gift, don't bring a gift. It's not mandatory. But don't think that your potluck dish itself suffices as a "contribution" to the hostess.

I would err on the side of caution and bring some flowers (with a vase!). If anything, it'll allay your fears that you'll be the only person without a gift.

I'm also part of a T-day potluck. Besides the food I'm bringing for us all to share, I'm bringing pumpkin muffins for the family to enjoy the morning after.

A small gift is always a nice touch, expected or not. It shows the hosts that you appreciate the effort they have made to open their home to guests. It doesn't have to be expensive or big.

I have to admit to being surprised that people actually give hostess gifts. In my circle of friends, we'll often bring wine to share, but I can't think of a single occasion where I've received, given, or witnessed a gift being given to a host. I thought it was one of those customs you only read about in magazines.

My second confession: I think it's a lovely idea, but also a little... ridiculous. When I host, I do so for the joy of sharing a meal with friends, and feel their "presence is the present." Also, in challenging economic times, one person preparing a meal is a way to socialize with friends who may be a vastly different income brackets without awkwardness over restaurant choices and check-splitting. Why throw gift-giving into that?

Rather than flowers or a little box of soaps, I'd prefer a great big hug and a "Thank you so much; that was a wonderful meal!" Or, for extra bonus points, "Let me help with the dishes." ;)

i think it's the thought that counts - and if you thought about it ... do it! the cutest hostess gift i ever got was a pair of rubber gloves with a little ruffle on the cuff, with a note that said, "thank you for hosting (and cleaning up after us). we had fun!"

I try to bring my potluck item in a container or a platter that can be used by the hosts later. Not my idea, however, years ago someone brought us pate in a beautiful blue crock as their potluck and hostess gift. We love the crock and every time we use it we wax on about how much we loved that pate!

@rivkie100 I think we run in the same circle. I put hostess gifts up there with the the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Gigli. It's just something I assume I will never ever see.

I agree with rivkie100. Other than the occasional flowers or wine (which just feel like practical contributions to the party), I have never seen a "hostess gift" given or received. Is it a regional thing? (I'm in the NW.)

rivkie, I'm with you. Beyond a bottle of wine, I've never received, given, or witnessed the giving of a hostess gift. Or if I have, I haven't realized it...

The hostess commits a considerable amount of time preparing and cleaning up after a potluck dinner -- a small gift is always appreciated. Some ideas--envelope of gourmet hot chocolate or coffee, an unusual cooking spice, cheese, a treat for their pet, gourmet popcorn, a disposable camera, after-dinner mints, sachet, a car air freshener, etc.

Yes you still need to bring a gift

Just don't bring a Dala horse! J/k
Bring something small and thoughtful, if you like. If not, don't sweat it.
I'm not sure how I would feel if someone gave me a car air freshener, though. Almost like getting deodorant for Xmas?
Help w/ dishes is always a great gift!

Just don't bring a Dala horse! J/k
Bring something small and thoughtful, if you like. If not, don't sweat it.
I'm not sure how I would feel if someone gave me a car air freshener, though. Almost like getting deodorant for Xmas?
Help w/ dishes is always a great gift!

I am going to join the rivikie100 fan club.

I host thanksgiving potluck every year. I do not expect hostess gifts. Nor have I ever see people give or receive hostess gifts.

It is all about gathering and sharing with my friends. I do really appreciate when people bring an extra bottle of wine; the cost of drinks can really add up.

To be honest, if my friends starting bringing presents to my parties; it would feel a bit awkward. Maybe it is a west coast thing?

Potluck? It feels a little "college" doesn't it? My husband and I host when we can actually host; pay for the food and drink and have the time and energy to proprerly entertain our friends. I would not bring a hostess gift to a potluck. I am probably already busting out a show-off worthy recipe and I'm bringing a bottle of wine.

In Finland, I've almost never visited a person's house nor had a visit from someone, where a small gift was not given to the host. It's simply not done to visit without a small gift. It's not about getting "stuff", it's about being thoughtful and appreciative. Usually it's a bottle of wine, but I've received lovely spices, a funny apron, homemade mustard, jam, pickles, and cookies, cute paper napkins, flowers, novelty toilet paper, a music CD, candles - stuff like that. It really does not have to be expensive, a 5-dollar package of candles is considered perfectly adequate. I think it's a very old custom, dating from tribal, pre-Christian times.

I actually didn't know that people visited without giving gifts until I moved to the US. I'm in the Bay Area now, and mostly people seem to bring host/hostess gifts.

It's the same protocol as any other event that someone is hosting - bring a gift if you want. It's never necessary to bring a gift, but it's always a nice gesture. Plus, hosting an event is more than just providing food- it involves prepping your house, trying to make people comfortable, and clean up.

Is this possibly generational? I am also amongst the group who has never seen, received, given, etc. a hostess gift. Ever. Amongst my friends and acquaintances, we have legitimately nice dinner parties and maybe it's just because I'm talking about a few closer circles of friends that tend to invite each other to most things (so it's not like we only see each other a couple times a year)...? I don't know. Even with dinner parties I've gone to where I wasn't super close friends with the hosts, nobody brought anything other than bottles of wine for people to share. I think it would be MORE random for me to show up with a sachet of something to my friends' houses than to show up with nothing. That's why I'm wondering if it's somehow generational? We're in our early 30s...whenever I've ready about such things in magazines I've always pictured people older than myself :)

The biggest problem with potlucks I've noticed is getting dishes back to people. Maybe get a nice serving dish as a hostess gift, and make your dish in it. Then you can leave it all there.

Yes. She is hosting you in her house. Keep it small. The Potluck is separate, you are all contributing a vegetable to the soup. You are all a voice in the chorus. But she is also hosting all of you.

To be fair, the only time I've ever done a "hostess gift" for Thanksgiving was when I went to stay at my best friend's parents' house in Ohio. We brought a NordicWare bundt pan, some wild rice and a bottle of cranberry wine down from Minnesota. It was more of a "thanks for letting us crash at your house" than a "thanks for hosting"... T-day dinner was somewhere else entirely!

I have always thought it was obligatory to bring a token of appreciation for the host's efforts - a bottle of wine, flowers or something that s/he/they can enjoy after the festivities and the clean up.

@kale - it's definitely not a west coast thing, as I'm on the east coast, and hostess gifts (or gifts in general) are not always mandatory, but appreciated.

@RNM - I don't think it's generational. We've had a few housewarming or holiday parties and every time, people offer to bring something to contribute or they bring a small gift, usually wine. We're all in our 20s, but are all married and are accustomed to being treated like adults.

I'm in the midwest, and have also never seen, given, or received a hostess gift. I, too, thought it was something I'd only ever read in Martha Stewart magazine. Most of our gatherings are with family, and we all bring food and help clean up afterwards. It's all very, very casual. I don't suppose I've ever been to a fancy or semi-fancy "dinner party."

@Pi...that's totally fair, but I should clarify. I don't (and don't think other people who were agreeing with rivikie100) mean that no one brings anything. Anytime I go to a party, we bring a bottle of wine/champagne and/or food depending on the event. And I think that's a perfectly lovely and adult thing to do. I'm meaning more something that is a separate gift for the hostess (and not for an event like a birthday or housewarming where gifts are slightly more expected) like some of the suggestions or things you see in magazines like fancy soaps or an exotic spice set or something. It's the jump from food/wine to an actual gift for someone when it's not a gift-giving event that I've never really seen happen.

A hostess-gift is a graceful and appreciative acknowledgment for being welcomed into your host/ess's home. Whether it's a potluck or a conventional dinner, your host has gone to some trouble to prepare the house, the table, refreshments, etc., and it's simply a courteous gesture to offer a small gift.

I keep my eyes peeled all year round & pick up inexpensive, but charming little tokens to have available when I need them. I would find it very difficult to go to someone's home empty-handed.

I also send a thank-you note following the event. This is usually greeted with surprised delight ... it's just something I've always done.

@BambiJo - you said the keyword: family. With family, there's less emphasis on following social norms and convention. With friends, acquaintances...anyone besides family, you usually try to adhere to the "tradition" of hosting or being a guest. It's not about whether the party is fancy; it's about what is the social norm for a group of people who aren't related to one another.

Honestly, If i were throwing a potluck and having everyone bring a dish, I would not expect anyone to also run out a get a gift. The whole thing is, if you're putting a lot of effort into making it a party with your dish, then that is nice enough for the host!

I always bring flowers. Sometimes just three pretty blooms with some salal and tied with raffia. I can get something that looks pretty and not over the top from the florist for under $15. If a more manly gift is in order, I'll bring a little potted cactus or succulent. If I am too poor for the florist, I'll just stop by Trader Joe's and stick the raffia on myself. If there is anything nice enough in my garden then I bring that.

Like Foodelf, I have followed the advice of magazines in the past and stocked up on what are supposed to be great last minute hostess gifts. However, I recently donated the lot when I cleaned out my closets. At the parties I go to (people in their 20s-30s in the bay area) it would be a little ridiculous to show up with a darling box of rosemary soaps from West Elm. @RNM, maybe it's not so much generational, as what is customary in your social circle.

While I might not bring a tschochky, I almost always bring wine/beer or flowers and follow up with a thank you note, which most people find charming and old-fashioned.

I am just befuddled by the "potluck seems a little 'college'" comment. How is a potluck "college"?

What a rude comment.

I had a friend who loved throwing holidays parties but drove our circle of friends crazy with constant calls to bounce ideas off of us to see what we thought. This started last year on October 1st for a December 19th party and we were relieved when the party was over. She sent out E-vites and when everyone had confirmed they would attend... she wrote back with a WHAMMY! She was charging us $40 a person because she decided to have it catered! What nerve! After some cancelled and I talked a little sense into her about it, she decided to make it a pot luck dinner. My feeling is this... Don't entertain if you can't afford to do it. It becomes too much of a strain and a chore and then you resent it. The best thing to do is to stop trying to impress people and ask them over for a couple of pizza pies, drinks and silly games. No one remembers the food or gifts... just the laughs. The memories of good times is greater than any host gift I could give or will ever receive.

One more thing... Mom taught me to NEVER show up empty-handed... It's just rude. I always show with food or drink in hand.

I don't think I've ever given or received a hostess gift, unless it was specifically a gift-giving occasion like Christmas or a birthday. It's just not done among the folks I spend time with.

Invariably, what I do is ask "what can I bring" when I'm going to someone's place for a meal. That way I know I'm contributing something to the meal that will be appreciated. When I'm hosting, I don't expect contributions unless its a potluck. If someone offers I usually ask them to bring their favorite drink.

I think the weirdest request I got was "a bag of tootsie rolls" which was apparantly needed for a Halloween meal and the hostess forgot to buy it in advance.

I agree, clampers.

No, potlucks are not "college." They're warm, loving, delicious and FUN. Most of my friends love to cook and do it well, and our potlucks are wonderful evenings to which we all enjoy contributing.

Good for you, Erinreadsblogs, if you only host when you can do all the work yourself. The rest of us will be enjoying our friends and their delicious dishes at the next potluck.

Now, about the gift...I'm also in the no hostess gift camp. I usually bring a bottle of wine, and if the host wants to save it for themselves for another night, that's fine with me.

But I always buy a gift when out-of-town friends host me overnight.

i'm with the rivkie100 crew. I say the potluck is your best bet. Even if they are people you dont know very well the thought that you are contributing in the potluck is awesome. Of course different strokes for different folks, but if youre in a giving mood and can afford to get something, it's a lovely sentiment, though unrequired.

For those who say they've never seen a host gift, I say that is partly the point. I am always careful to subtly deliver the gift to the host, both to keep others from feeling bad and also to make sure the host knows it's something just for him or her, for later. Breakfast treats are always a good bet.

@overture (and @clampers). I agree...what a judgmental comment by Erinreadsblogs. I've never considered a potluck "college". My friends love to cook and could afford to host (and often do) all-in dinner parties and pull out all the food and wine stops, but the majority of the time, everyone contributes. In fact, in my group it's harder to get people to not contribute a dish to any sort of party. It's not about being lazy or poor or something. The idea that, because people choose to contribute to an awesome dinner with a bunch of friends instead of making one couple take on the entire burden themselves just because you're at their house, makes it "college" is just sad.

I can't imagine going to dinner without bringing a hostess gift. If it's generational, then it's something that the younger generation can learn to do. A bottle of wine or champagne or some simple flowers in a vase are always appreciated. I'm bringing a sweet potato dish tomorrow but, I'm also taking a bottle of champagne. BTW, don't forget to send a thank you note to the host and, I don't mean an email ;) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

@Erinreadsblogs,

What a rude and pretentious comment. Potlucks are wonderful gatherings that allow friends to get together and enjoy each others company instead of having one person stress over feeding everyone else.
Not everyone has the money to feed a large group of people. And your snooty "I am probably already busting out a show-off worthy recipe and I'm bringing a bottle of wine." remark makes me think you aren't invited to a lot of anythings, nor do you have a lot of friends to entertain.

@Erinreadsblogs: wow. i think you are the only reader who is impressed with your non-attendance at potluck dinners. i (and all of my friends) happen to enjoy these fun times when stress is minimal and we can swoon over the food and trade recipes.

re: the original question (yes, its hard to get over the aforementioned nose-in-the-air comment), i think anything that makes the hostess know that you understand their efforts and kindness works. i did the dishes at my last potluck (how college!) and the hosts couldn't stop thanking me! A card followed by help with clean up (or set-up) is a very nice gesture. Personally, i'd prefer a gesture over a gift.

Just bring a bottle of wine to let the host know you appreciate the gathering being held at his or her place.

If you've never met the person before, or barely know him/her/them, I'd go for it. I do bring flowers if it's appropriate, but I agree with a couple of folks above that a hug and a warm thanks and pleasant conversation are so much better than stuff I'm not going to use and feel bad about throwing out (we have a ceremonial tossing of Christmas baked goods each year, after a few bites of each...without it we'd have to buy new pants every year).

I'm also in the Midwest and had never heard of hostess gifts until I started reading Martha Stewart in the '90s. I'm in my 40s and I grew up with my parents hosting informal church get-togethers and no one ever brought them a gift and they never took a gift to anyone else. Ever. In my own life I've hosted a few things and *maybe* someone *might* bring a six-pack to share with others, but nothing for me as a host, nor would I ever expect anything. I just think it's weird and puts unnecessary pressure on the guest; I've wasted my money if I buy something that the host is just going to re-gift or sell at a yard sale. And what about the host being put in the position of having to fake liking something? Just no. Food can be even trickier what with allergies and ethical considerations. In the future maybe I should just decline any invitations I receive lest I be thought uncouth.

In my family you always bring something, even when my parents come to my house for dinner they bring flowers. Also, I would differ from the comment below and suggest flowers without a vase are preferred. Most people end up accruing so many clear cheap vases. Offer to put the flowers in water when you arrive. The hostess gets to use her own vase without the trouble of putting the flowers up.

I've brought candy, chocolate, italian soda, a carafe full of hot chai, etc.

Also, I LOVE potlucks. So much less pressure on the hostess. It's great when everyone just brings something over.

Sometimes it just depends on how well you know the host. If it's someone you've known forever, getting a gift might be a little odd since they probably don't expect to get one and might make them feel out of place even accepting. If you are a guest somewhere you don't go a lot or don't know the person as well a gift should be customary.

And no the dish you are preparing doesn't count as the gift since potluck means you are supposed to contribute. I myself am attending a potluck dinner and if I wasn't going to my parents (whom I see at least once every two weeks) I would have gotten a gift.

no gift - but bought up to believe that if you go to dinner at someone's house you should write a thank you note.

Potlucks are a way for people to get credit for entertaining without expending time and money preparing food for those they invite. Why give a hostess gift to someone who isn't really hosting? If someone invited you to dinner at a restaurant but then required you to pay for your food, would you feel they deserved a gift for the invitation? Save that effort for hosts who truly make those invited their guests.

I forgot to add that when my friends have potlucks, they never do so under the pretense of "entertaining." If forced to describe these gatherings, they would probably say proper entertaining is too daunting for our domestically challenged group, so we get together and everyone brings whatever they can dredge up. I'm not dismissive of potlucks, merely of those who pretend they are equivalent to planning a menu, shopping for ingredients, and cooking all the courses. I'm grateful my friends and I can admit to each other that most of the time, doing those three things is just too hard.

Lindsay is probably going to some trouble to prepare her contribution to her potluck. If so, that is even more reason to banish any idea of a hostess present. Most people who "host" a potluck are under no illusions that a traditional hostess gift is called for.

Erinreadsblogs sounds like someone you would NOT invite to your home.......such a rude comment.

Re: gift... I typically bring flowers or wine... depending on the event...

It can be a generational/regional thing for sure - my Southern family taught me to ALWAYS bring a small, discreet gift for dinners and overnight stays (anything where the host is putting out a significant amount of effort to have you over). I also write thank you notes, ESPECIALLY for formal dinner parties. I think it's pretty gauche to accept an invitation, go over to someone's house and eat and drink and get your fingerprints all over everything, and then not express your gratitude. And it doesn't even need to be a useless bit of "stuff" - a $15 gift certificate to CVS or the grocery store is useful for any host, regardless of their interests.

Oh, and about potlucks - I still think that counts as hosting! Even if you don't cook every dish on the menu, you still end up having to clean your apartment, stock the bathroom (wouldn't want to run out of TP or soap), and clean up at the end of the dinner, not to mention whatever food or drink you do actually contribute. Setting up your place to receive guests in a comfortable and clean setting takes work, too.

On the other side of the coin, I don't expect my guests to bring anything when I host, but a short note or a bottle of wine in addition to your lovely company will get you invited back again and again.

If I'm hosting a potluck, then no, I would not expect a gift on top of that. I feel very grateful for the company of good friends, and that's enough. By the same token, I love being invited, so would probably take a dish AND a gift for the host to show my appreciation, usually a nice bottle of wine or a speciality food item.

We always take a hostess gift and it is always consumable--wine and/or some nice jam/jelly/mustard/homemade bread, etc. I try to give what I would want to receive, and I prefer to get things that we can use up. Flowers are great, but not for us--our cats eat flowers so we can't have them in the house.

I don't know if this is generational or not. I am over 50 and have always done some kind of hostess gift.

Thumbs up on potlucks. In my family we love sharing recipes and even sometimes request Aunt Ruth bring that cranberry relish she is famous for etc. It's also a good way to make sure there is something you can eat if you have food issues like allergies.

I live in a culture where hostess gifts are not mandatory but are appreciated when given. Wine, flowers or some tidbit. Don't expect but be grateful when you get!

flowers are always welcome

for getting your dish back: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/chicago/tips/tip-id-your-bake-ware-for-a-safe-return-our-best-bites-133287

Yet another who is out of the hostess gift loop.

I have (to my recollection) received exactly 2 hostess gifts in my life, and I'm 60. Last year we had a couple over for dinner and they wanted to bring wine. Since we don't drink, we said "if you want to drink it, that would be great." Seems THEY don't drink wine, either! So they appeared with a floral arrangement instead. Nice but I really had no place to put it.

This year we had friends over for late dessert (only) on Thanksgiving. The new lady friend of our pal brought me a copy of Barak Obama's new lushly illustrated children's book "Of Thee I sing". Sweet, but I will donate it to the library where I work, eventually, since I don't really want it. Totally unnecessary, even if nice.

When I am the guest, I always ASK what I can bring. If the hosts say "nothing" I decide whether to contribute to dessert (depends on the person and how well I know them and their "control" of their menu) but often I take them at their word. More often they say, "sure, bring wine" (or whatever they can use to fill out the meal -- this has been crusty bread, salad, and extra meat, on different occasions.) Then I do that, of course.

I do like the idea of a nice dish that you leave with the hostess, though. Those would be easy to pass on or donate if unwanted.

Only on a few occasions have I seen hostess gifts given - mainly when an overnight stay is involved. Hostess gifts are not totally unheard of in the South - but most of the time, like many people have said - it's all about the company, and a thank-you note will suffice.

This is an interesting discussion. My family did not do this kind of thing when I was growing up and I haven't really seen it done. But I think if you stay with someone or if you go to an occasion at someone's house you don't know very well, it's definitely nice to bring something small. I have given people little gifts (nice soaps, a tea medley, a pound of good coffee, etc) when I've stayed with family's of friends, for example. I think it's more expected in situations where you don't know the people very well and are really enjoying their hospitality, but I think it would be sweet to give a small gift on any occasion. If I went to a special meal at a friend's family's house, I would try to bring a little something. When my friends host parties, I do usually ask if I can bring anything. I don't really consider that a hostess gift, though, but I guess it serves the same purpose. For really casual things, I've brought soda and chips and salsa to contribute when asked to. And I always ask if I can help with cleanup. I didn't bring a hostess gift to the very casual thanksgiving meal I attended, but I did bring two side dishes and a pie, I brought extra chairs, and I did dishes... I try to be a considerate guest but I don't think you need to bring anything fancy to do that most of the time.

It seems the name "hostess gift" bothers people. Ever since I can remember we always brought something whenever we'd go visit someone, or have dinner, party, vacation... It's not about rules, regulations, etiquette or martha-stewardism. It's just people being thankful and appreciative of someone's work and hospitality. If you think your dish does the job, then by all means don't bring anything else. This is something I do for me, like when I say "thank you" -- it's just part of my upbringing and it was never a "burden" or obligation.

For the potlucks I've been too, I just always bring a not-super-cheap bottle of wine in addition to the dish. That usually works well. If you know the host doesn't drink alcohol, you could just offer to help them clean up after, or perhaps bring an additional dessert dish.

Just to chime in re: potluck = college: the only kind of "potluck" I was invited to in college was BYOB!