Dr. Bronner Stresses Me Out, Man

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I had a revelation in the shower at 6 AM: the trademark text-heavy label on the Dr. Bronner's bottle makes me dizzy. It's not just the excess of exclamation points and quotation marks! Also sentence fragments: IN THE UPPER CASE! Though I have had a grammar fetish since eighth grade —thank you, Mrs. Kennedy— there's something about the panoply of type styles, sizes, and spacing all on a curved surface that started my head spinning this morning.

So, I resolved to do something about the offensive type. But that's proving difficult...

Why not just peel off the label? Well, it's silkscreened on the bottle, so that's not an option. Further complicating the issue: the natural, glycerin based soap tends to clog bottle spouts and pumps. If you've used Dr. Bronner's, you know the lid gets clogged every now and then, which is probably why there's a protruding piece on the cap designed to punch through the congealed mass.

This property rules out most pump and squeeze bottle solutions, so I'm hoping someone out there on the internets has solved this problem in an elegant way. One more thing: it's going in the shower, and I'm clumsy, so that rules out glass. Help!

photo Jonathan Bean