Sometimes, moving (as hard as it is) is the easy part. Often, it's the result of a significant change in one's life — a new job, a new relationship, a new baby, an empty nest, retirement, a painful breakup, (or worse) the death of a spouse — but it's a physical act, and one that can manageably be attacked with a list, a plan and some heavy lifting. But what happens after that…?
When the last box has been unpacked, many times, there's still emotional settling in that needs to be done — accepting and embracing your new surroundings, but also finding friends and creating a fulfilling life under new circumstances. Too often, this part is not so easy.
Alex Williams, husband of the much-loved blogger Joanna Goddard of Cup of Jo, (and a talented New York Times writer himself), recently wrote an article on adult friendships entitled 'Friends of a Certain Age (Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?)'. In the article, he explores the differences between making friends as a child and tackling the same task as an adult. He looks at the circumstances that begin to cloud the issue as we grow older, more independent and less available in our daily lives.
It's a situation that many of us have faced personally, at least once in our lives. And I'm curious: how do you handle it? Have you tried any of the online friendship sites like GirlFriendCircles or CompanionTree (sort of like match.com for friends)? What about Meetup groups, or other types of social gatherings? What's been your experience, and what advice would you give to others who are attempting to negotiate new friendships at new stages in their lives?
(Image: Darren Star Productions via Redbook)

Sheex Bedding
At 50, I haven't completely given up on friendship, but it's not a big hope for me at this point. I don't have children, so I have little in common with women who do. Even though I'm getting married, my fiance is not the only topic of my conversation; most women seem to talk mostly about TV shows, their children, shopping and their husbands. I've tried being friends with men, but most of them think that makes it ok to hit on me. So I've pretty much given up, now that my best friend has been gone for several years due to complications from diabetes. I suppose I could call my fiance my best friend (which he is), but I don't think that's what you're talking about here.
"...most women seem to talk mostly about TV shows, their children, shopping and their husbands. I've tried being friends with men, but most of them think that makes it ok to hit on me." Wow - I feel badly that this commenter seems to have only had contact with the world's most boring/shittiest people. This doesn't characterize any of the conversations I have with my girlfriends and none of my guy friends ever try to hit on me (also engaged.) Don't give up hope! There are lots of nice and interesting people in the world!
@micheleyverse: do you have any particular hobbies or sports? I find a good way to meet people on the same wavelength is by doing what I enjoy doing, meeting like-minded people along the way. I've moved countries and continents a few times in the last 10 years and though my friends now are not the same as my old, tried-and-true school and college friends, I've met a lot of lovely people and have more activities and invites than time to do them.
I was kind of calmly friendless in my early 30s. My best friends were on the opposite coast, and the women I worked with were all married with kids, while I was not.
When I switched jobs, I stumbled into a circle of very close friends: Me, a never-married woman, plus one divorced woman, three young females with kids (one domestically partnered), and a male coworker who is probably gay (though we don't ask and he doesn't tell.) We joked that we should make a chick-flick movie about ourselves. It was such a delight to find myself, at almost 40, suddenly in the "cool clique."
So... don't despair. But I do think you have to look for opportunities, or it's too easy to just fall into not knowing anyone. I don't know what I'll do when I retire.
This whole "moving week" thing is so timely...I'm moving in five weeks. Currently, most of my really close friends live 3+ hours away. Thankfully, when I moved to where I'm living now, a college friend happened to move to the same town.
We live in a rural area now and are moving to a large city, so I'm hopeful that I will find some friends. I've thought about joining the Y so I could maybe make friends in an exercise class?
Interesting timing. I'm still trying to heal from my partner ended our relationship in March. I never thought I would have to face the biggest loss I have experienced so alone.
One thing I had thought I had were a lot of incredible friends. As my circumstances changed and I still find it too painful to be in the same social circles as my ex, I thought I could still see my friends. It turns out I maybe counted a little too much on them being there. There are a small handful that I still hear from or that respond to text messages. I can't really explain what happened with the others. All I know is the calls or responses to text messages (pathetic I know but it seems that's the way most communicate these days) I would send just stopped.
The people I do see the most now are family, people at work, and staff at restaurants. I have made a few new friends or aquaintances by going out to different places. It might not feel like progress - I'll spend tonight sitting at a bar alone - but at least it feels like I'm part of the human race.
I guess that's one tip - I'm not going to make any new friends sitting at home alone.
This is actually a great design question, because it touches on how we design our homes, neighbourhoods and cities. According to the article -- "... the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other...". Our homes and communities are designed to limit, not maximize, social interaction, especially that kind of informal interaction that over time, builds friendships.
I see our life in Geneva in stark contrast to that here in Ottawa: even though we were only in Geneva for 4.5 years, we had better and more friends there than we have made in all our years here. It was partially the matter of regular social interaction (e.g., kids at our school could only be picked up at 2 times in the afternoon, and so parents would congregate and chat on the school steps), and partially having a community full of people with the same values, similar educations, tastes and hobbies as we have.
We've made the best friends through our kids -- the parents of their friends from school. As well, we've made good friends through work. So -- use your kids -- and dogs! If your kids get along with someone, chances are, you'll mesh with their parents too.
We've tried making friends in our Ottawa neighbourhood, but it is not very densely populated, and not the sort of community people like us tend to gravitate to (it's not an urban neighbourhood) -- our neighbours are either in their 80s or 90's, or 10-20 years younger than we are. No happy medium :-(
I've learned that it is very important to find the right community in which to live, to find one which matches you as closely as possible -- and not to settle! You'll find more people you hit it off with that way.
My best friend in Ottawa has just retired and moved away, and so we're trying to make friends. We've made a couple, but distance is a problem (again, we didn't pick the right community). In all honesty though, it felt like such a relief to live somewhere where we weren't such a minority, where there were lots of other people like us, that we are hoping to somehow find a way to move back to Geneva.
I find the best place is through work or through friends of friends. Dont be afraid to put yourself out there and be friendly to people. it takes time!
Join a gym/exercise/yoga class. Take an adult education course, join a church, volunteer at the animal shelter or the library. Take up a hobby and join a group that's involved with it. Our local library has a weekly knitting group, they have visiting authors, and all kinds of things going on. Become involved with a community group, coach a kid's sports team in your town, be a volunteer fireman. Introduce yourself to your neighbors. Invite one over for a cup of coffee. Check your local newspaper for events going on in your town/city and go to them. There are often booths with groups to get involved in. There are so many things you can do to meet people. Yes, it's definitely easier when you have kids, but I know a lot of people who moved to new places knowing no one and thrived. Empty nesters and retirees do it all the time. Yes, it's hard but it can be done. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can!
A soul crushing breakup, AND a career change mean I'll be moving in about 3 months. I'm actually ready to leave. I have joined a Meetup group in the area, and scouted out the good restaurants, etc. With all that said, it's still a little scary. Oy.
I am unfortunately the last single person in my close group. All of my close friends are now married with babies on the way. I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm 35 and it's really hard to meet new friends that I have anything in common with. Sigh!
I, a lifelong Californian, moved to the small town of Sultan, Washington, at the age of 50 for a new job near Seattle. Sultan is a small (population about 5,000) and rather poor town in a fabulously beautiful area at the base of the central Cascades. One of the reasons I chose Sultan is that I had never lived in rural area and wanted to give it a try.
One Saturday morning, after I had been there about two weeks and was mostly unpacked, I thought to myself, "Now what? I don't know a soul here, and I've just barely met the people I will be working with." I went on the internet and did a search for Sultan, hoping it would give me some ideas of what--if anything--Sultan had to offer and how I could spend the weekend. The first thing I clicked on was a website run by a local woman whose mission was to keep an eagle eye on everything going on at Sultan City Hall and everything perpetrated by what she called The Good Old Boys.
Prominently displayed on the opening page of her website was an announcement that the Washington Department of Natural Resources planned to lease land a mile from town for a 600-acre gravel pit. My heart sank as I thought of how such a project would affect such a beautiful area. I immediately emailed the woman who created the web site and she invited me to become involved in the fight against it. Our fight was difficult and passionate and we won! Through my involvement in this battle, I made two very close friends. I returned to California about three years later, but I go up to Sultan for a week or two every year to visit them.
So, my recommendation is to get involved in something you care about and the friendships may follow.
having moved to different state, it is very difficult to make friends...my Husband works in an office that everyone but him commuttes 1-2 hours a day to get there, so no one is close to be friends with.
@juliadevi: I did meet someone recently and we have a budding acquaintanceship. And I crochet, but it's a pain in the butt to go to crochet meetups in Manhattan; I don't have a car, and getting back home by public transport to Newark is problematic after 9pm. i've looked for events around here regarding topics like tea, food, movies and crochet, but most events are at a distance from me. : ( I'm hoping for better luck next year, when I move to PA and have a car.
Don't people have hobbies any more??
My husband and I have lived in 3 major cities in the last 8 years. Every time we settle in a new place, I find a dog park, or take a class in something I'm interested in, or volunteer for an organization that I find interesting. My husband likes to rebuild Norton motorcycles, so he joins the British bike club or attends every Ton-Up or Vintage Bike Rally within a day's drive. Because of our openness to try new things, our friends range greatly in age and background. We have several sets of "best friends" and a constant stream of visitors.
If making friends is a true priority, then don't be shy. Go out, meet someone, ask for an email address or phone number and actually contact them. You're only going to get good friends if YOU'RE a good friend.
My current group of friends came about via Twitter. Several strangers or near strangers in my smallish city started tweeting about the Food Network show "Top Chef." Then they started meeting at a bar to watch the show and talk about food. From there, more social things happened, including an invite to one of the group's birthday's party. It turns out that I was friends with two of the "Top Cheffies" through different means and also invited to the birthday party. There, I met the guy who I have now been dating for 1.5 years, started going to Top Chef night and our friendship grew. Some people left our group and others joined, but we have had a core of seven of us for nearly two years.
I've met other friends through Twitter as well. I never thought a global social networking site would bring me closer to my community, but it has. It has sort of taken the place of front porch chats with the neighbors. Now we tweet about community events and problems, finding solutions and meeting each other. Trying twitter doing a Twitter search for your town or neighborhood and see what people are talking about and where they are going to be. My city (Baton Rouge) even has a hashtag -- #GoBR -- that makes it even easier.
I do agree that getting a dog leads rapidly to acquaintances, too. It's almost equivalent to pushing a stroller, as far as having neighbors talk to you and strangers strike up conversations in the park.
I think it's much trickier for introverts to put themselves out there than for extroverts. I'm constantly getting a lecture from some extrovert or other about how I should try to be more like them - they don't realize that they're asking us introverts to change our fundamental wiring!
Classes, neighborhood committees, pets and volunteering are great for friends. Work too, although now that I work at home I miss that contact. The worst friend-killer for us is kids. Once a couple has a baby, we get one visit to meet the child, then that is pretty much the last we ever see of the entire family. They move on to be friends with other people with kids. It's pretty painful when you are childless due to fertility issues, and your friends all abandon you once they have their babies. We both love kids and are fine with baby parties, babysitting, etc. But we are excluded.
We moved to a new area and found a Facebook group that was started to connect locals in the fight against a new motorway right through our suburb. This group now has over 500 members and we regularly meet up with our neighbours for community events as well as making great personal connections. The boys have a home brewing group & fishing trips and the girls do mamabakes & bookclubs. (not strictly along the gender divide either) we have found a lot of friends of friends are part of the group and I've personally found an old workmates from 10 years ago living a couple of streets away.
When friendships are in transition (more bluntly, you need some) it's important to not stop doing things because you're afraid to do them alone. Give yourself a pep talk and go to a co-workers party, run a 5K or volunteer your time - solo. I have made more connections in less time by attending something alone than by keeping close proximity with a girlfriend. When at a party alone you either sink or swim, wallow by the snack table or ask the person next to you how they know the host..
Figure out what you are interested in and get involved. The best way to meet people with similar interests is to do what you are interested in. Take a group sailing class. Get involved at your local church. Volunteer for beach or park clean up or Meals on Wheels. Read the local paper events section and go to something that sounds fun.
Now that you're at your chosen event, in all your independent glory, make sure to be friendly and smile at people when you make eye contact. Don't dodge their glances for fear they'll be aghast at the social rebel who dared show up alone. Introduce yourself, you don't have much to lose in this situation. Take with you my motto and simple, universal truth: everyone wants to be liked and wants to be wanted around. Stop worrying that you look like an overly eager friendster and take interest in others around you. In the words of Dale Carnegie, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you."
@ Parnassus: Is it possible you are excluded because your friends fear it will be too painful for you? Perhaps communication (or lack thereof) is the underlying issue. There are many ways to RE-establish such friendships. Invite them to your home for a casual evening...a backyard bbq, a movie night or perhaps a televised sporting event. Use whatever shared interest you have. Make a point of saying you'd love to see the child(ren) so they KNOW children are welcome. Remove the doubt.
If you're up for babysitting, that could be the icebreaker. Send a sweet card the old-fashioned way...via snail mail. Include a 'coupon' for a few hrs of free babysitting so mom & dad can enjoy dinner out alone, & invite them for coffee & dessert afterward when they pick up baby. This is an especially coveted gift for new parents who just need some *me* time to reconnect and don't have family nearby. It's a win-win situation....both of you are blessed.
in my twenties we moved to a different state and I met someone online to help me figure out what apartments and areas to move to, and we became instant friends when I moved here. She moved and I had a newborn. that was a miserable year and I turned to several online forums to make internet friends. I had girlfriends from all over the country to chat with, but I still felt lame on Friday nights... it wasn't until my son was old enough to play at the park when I started meeting other moms and now I have a super tight group of friends that I couldn't do without :)
Yes, indeed, look for like minded groups to join...book clubs, music groups, knitting clubs, biking clubs, etc. The more frequently they meet the better. You may not end up close freins with all the members, but you might find one or two whom you really click with.
I have to agree with the poster who said she had problems talking to Women about other things besides kids, etc. it is sometimes hard to get beyond the trivialities of social chatter, necessitated by limited time. That is why a group can be good, at least there is some sort of potentially of interest topic for the conversation to start with.
Sometimes a good bookstore wiill have visiting author's regularly giving a talk, you can meet some very interesting people at these. One thing I always do is search out the local schedule of events (online or in freebie or local papers) wherever I go, looking for interesting things going on around town.
It is hard to find friends when you loose your children as a contact, or if you never had any to start with....walking a dog can introduce you to people the way kids can. Strangers will say hello and start discussing your dog!:D
I'm obviously weird (OK) because I don't have any friends. I have people I know - lots of them. I have 'friends' on social media. But to me, a real friend is someone who would drop everything and come to your aid, if needed. I don't have that. That's fine.
I don't want to join clubs just to have more people "I know". They aren't true friends. I'm self-contained and I don't have a problem with that.
In my mid-40's I found myself needing to make new friends due to a divorce that I instigated. I'd lived in this town for 15 years but most of my friends were our friends and "kept" him. Meetup groups were really one of the best ways for me to meet people with a common interest. It's good to have something to DO when building a friendship, so I recommend making a "date" with a new friend for hiking, gallery crawls, music festivals, trivia night at a local bar, stream clean-up, etc., something that doesn't require constant interaction and allows time to focus on something other than what you hope is a budding friendship.
Since I am in my 40´s and not married and no children, I find having gay guy friends to be helpful.
I just turned 30. My husband and I moved to Portland, OR from Los Angeles, CA a year and a half ago. I've met some great people through a professionals social networking group that I found on meetup.com but the friends that we've actually hung out with are co-workers. But I have to be honest my husband has been my best friend since we were teenagers and I come from a huge family in LA, that I still regularly keep in touch with so my desire to make close friends is pretty low. I like people but I guess I'm a little anti-social; I don't know.
We gays just love to "helpful"......
@micheleyverse -- I'm right there with you. I've tried some of the suggestions above -- still lonely. All I can say is that I hope your heart finds what it needs.
I actually just moved to a city 800 miles away for graduate school and I don't know anyone that lives here. Even being at the ripe age of 22 and being in school, it is difficult to make friends especially because I live alone. I'm not super outgoing, but I'm not introverted either. Being the type of person that isn't into the "bar scene," it's very difficult to meet people. That's all the girls that I meet ever want to do. I'm hoping to meet people in the library, at local coffee shops, or through volunteering to do community service at my school. It's really difficult though. It takes time.
I'm 31 and I've never lived anywhere longer than 5 years (due to my dads' job growing up, then college, job change and getting married). I've gotten used to being the new person in a place, and am an introvert whose had to get out of my comfort zone to really put myself out there to make friends. It does take time! For me, one of the most helpful things is getting involved in a local church- which may be off-putting to some- but if you find a great church; you'll find people who truly care about you and who will listen and want to help you feel connected. I always feel that's my most solid base of friends! We just moved last year to a new place and I found myself in and out of the hospital for 2 weeks due to complications with a pregnancy in which we lost our baby- there were so many people who made meals, brought flowers, visited and showed how much they cared. A good church is a great place to start when moving to a new place! Also, allow yourself to be patient with people and to continue to be open with others even when it doesn't feel comfortable... it will pay off in the end! Even one good friend will be worth the effort!
I'd like more friends but I'm definitely anti-social, too picky and for financial reasons moved to a red state from a blue state. I'm not religious and most people here are, the ones that aren't don't admit it openly, that's how conservative it is. I was let go from one of the first jobs I was hired at here for admitting I'm agnostic, no kidding. And yes, it's illegal but meh, easier just to move on. I had one close friend but once she got over her recent divorce and no longer needed a shoulder to cry on, her intolerance of my lack of religion and impatience with my lack of spontanaeity (no, I don't care to go to monster truck shows with guys she picked up off the internet on short notice, or any notice) made us realize we weren't cut out to be lasting friends.
My next best hope is to look up some groups of like minded, artsy fartsy types in my age range and attend their events. Did I mention I'm also shy and find it hard to initiate contact? Oh well, one of these days...
For now I keep to myself and have a few hi/bye work contacts and casual chats with pleasant near-friends. Maybe soon I'll be ready to take more chances.
One of the best finds moving to Abu Dhabi (I know, right?), was on the airplane on the way there. The lady next to me in business was drinking as well (LOL) and as we were talking, I'd asked what there is to do, and she aked what I like to do. Jokingly I told her that I love running and drinking (well, it's true).
She recommended the Hash House Harriers, which is a great way for expats in foreign countries to walk/run and then socialize. Apparently there's one in almost any city, and at least I can vouch for the Abu Dhabi one.
If you're living overseas, don't hesitate to look up this and many organizations like it.
Moving before 30, I had no problem finding the motivation to get out and find ways of socialising. My family moved internationally every 2-4 years when I was growing up so we changed schools and friendships a lot. I continued that trend throughout my 20s with college and moves for work. At each move, there was a short settling in period, where I gained my bearings of the place and made an apartment or a room my own, then I would go out to join groups of people doing the sort of things I'm interested in like running, reading/talking, rock climbing, good food/beer/wine and classical music. This approach always worked wonderfully for me and I have some great groups of buddies all over.
This last move has been a different experience for me though. At 30, I moved again, this time only 200 miles, but far enough to necessitate a social reboot. I moved to get married and move in with my husband. I found it to be tough this time to gather the energy for friendship-finding because I was travelling 400 miles on a 2-day trip every midweek for doctorate classes as well as working full time the rest of the days. Halfway through the year we realised we were expecting our first little baby. Now that I'm in the 6th month of pregnancy, we are hurriedly working on renovating our 250-year-old cottage and rushing to move there in the next 5 days so we won't have another month's rent to pay on our flat.
I'm sure this lack of socialisation will change because I plan to join any interesting groups around me in our new house. There's a baby sign language group I want to be a part of and a rock climbing wall nearby that is pretty good. I'm hoping to meet another fun-runner and maybe people who like to chat about books. I don't think that it will be a problem just because I'm over 30. It was definitely a problem for me this year, but that was down to time restraints, new commitments and strangely enough, a lack of interest.
This will sound horrible, but it's true:
As a single woman with no kids, I definitely know the "friends stop being friends when they have babies" deal. I don't think it's mean or deliberate - but a newborn infant or whiny toddler creates a VERY different set of priorities and social needs, and though I myself want the friendship to remain, I don't really have the interest in child-raising minutiae.
But! Tick tick tick. In four to eight years, a LOT of those married-with-children folks are going to get divorced. And the new court-determined trend is equal-time parenting. "Adam's got the kid all next week! Let's go into Boston!"
The best thing that's happened to my social life in the last few years is the triumverate divorces of my 3 closest work friends, who are now available to be "Tuesday afternoon coffee and dog-walking" friends, or "Let's take in an artsy movie" friends. I'm sad that the institution of marriage is in decline and all that... but I may as well make lemonade, right? :D
It´s also about making the kind of friends you want or like as well. Being a graduate student who´s closer to 30 than 20, I spend so much time with like-minded academic people in a work environment that I need friends that are not in any way related to the university. I´m about to move (again!) to another country in a couple of weeks and my plan is to find other expats, people from the gym and joining a language course always helps. The worst thing about making friends is all the time- investment that it requires.
Michelle should be happy she is still getting hit on at 50. I am 59 and still meet people that I could be friends with. I enjoy other peoples chatter even if it isn't what I am most interested in. Friendship is so much deeper than that.
volunteer, volunteer, volunteer.
I'm like amaranta - I know a lot of people but I have only one real friend (besides my husband and mum!) I own a local business, have kids, workout with a ladies only outdoor training group, so whenever I leave the house I see someone I know and I can have a superficial chat. I want to know how to turn that into a real friendship. How do you take it to the next level?
I'm looking quite seriously at cohousing. It satisfies all of the big 3 criteria -- 1. proximity; 2. repeated, unplanned interactions; and 3. a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other. Plus the vast majority of people who live in cohousing choose it because they want close ties to other people.
It's not a commune. There are no religious or political requirements. No one will force you to work in the community garden, but they do want you to be involved. I'm hoping to move into one of these communities -- or start my own! -- in the next few years. For me it's a way of planning a future for myself and being good to others as well.
At 58 I still have two old friends around that I met when I was in my early 20's. Other than that I have family and several acquaintances that I share dinners and other outings with on occasion. I still meet new people and am basicly friendly but I don't have any driving need to develop any deeper friendships. I still love my old friends but we've all changed and grown somewhat apart what with all the crazy stuff that happens in a life. It's easier to make friends than to pull away if they turn out to be people you don't really want to spend time with. When I lived "north of 60" most of the people I met had eccentricities but were good, solid folks you could depend on. Since moving south many people that seem interesting and sane at first turn out to be emotional vampires or other sorts that aren't my idea of friend material.
Medusa, I don't think having friends excludes you from being your own person!
I frequently in life have had only one or two close friends, and really, really don't need much social interaction. (All day with my students is honestly enough for me, most times.) I do a couple lunch or shopping get-togethers a week, and I'm good.
But I don't wanna live in a desert island, either. It's nice to have someone to laugh with, ask questions, share in joy and grief.
@JocelynF You aren't meeting smart people in your classes? I never even made an effort to talk to people in my classes in college, but most people I know did. undergraduate student groups. Will you have internships as part of your program? I did an absolutely huge (115 people) internship so obviously there was lots of opportunity there.
@Luxlvn Haha I totally feel you. I feel smothered where I live. I work with a bunch of sexist, racist men, lovely. Its beautiful here but I want to move because of that. I know unitarian universalism is still too much of a "religion" for some. Because they meet on Sundays my s.o. makes fun of me for going but generally they are the most open minded group I have ever met. The one in my area does social justice work for immigrants and environmental things so you could always join them just for that. See if there is a democratic committee for the county.
That being said, I was spoiled by college and living in walking distance to all my friends for 4 years. I am already drifting so much from the ones that moved away. Thankfully 2 of my friends are still here going to school but I don't live in that town so I still want to meet people right here. I am doing grad school online so I will have lots of strange hours to fill. I live in a town of "young professionals" but my neighbors are home all day playing video games (since I can hear them) so I guess I should start talking to them haha.
I was a johnny come lately extrovert. Spent most of my early life so nerdy as to be without friends, so now treasure friendships and cultivate a lot of them. I love making a new friend, it's almost like a crush. Friends provide novelty - they suggest activities that I might not think of myself, but enjoy. They provide conversation and intellectual stimulation. They cook you nice food and make you laugh. Nothing wrong with alone time, nothing wrong with friendships shallow or deep.
As a new extrovert and someone who's moved a ton, my recipe for making new friends is activities and hobbies. It's also so useful to find a connector person - that easygoing and open person in your ceramics class who maybe won't be YOUR best friend, but who has a large circle in which you may find someone who you WILL click with. They act as friend matchmakers, consciously or unconsciously (I do so consciously - I love introducing new friends!)
I do think it's also about making yourself an attractive friend. Establishing a friendship in the beginning is like starting to date someone: it's about highlighting what's interesting and fun about you, not bringing all your insecurities and baggage right to the table from the get-go. Trying to get someone to accept you warts n' all is for people of long acquaintance where your mutual dependence has been established.
I'd hang out with you, Micheleyverse. My friends are all about their kids -- and while I like their kids... I'd like to go and do things unrelated or without worrying about the kids.
My best best best friend passed away 3 yrs ago and I still miss her... and my other old friends live 3,000 miles away. I do find it hard -- I don't hang out with a gang as I once did, kind of miss that.
I have done several long distance moves and I have to support everyone who's said 'join up and/or learn something' - whatever it is, from church to meditation to meetups to classes to dog parks to sports to community activities. Sure, these people will only be aquaintences for a while - but friendship takes time to build a deep friendship. Eventually you'll realize who among the people you meet you're mutually drawn to, and a friendship will happen. Much like a romantic relationship you have to get out there, make yourself attractive, and recognize what's mutually exciting between you and a potential friend.
Threads like this do make me sad about mothers - I am friends with several mothers and married women and men who are still friends with me and do things. Maybe it's just the area I'm in or the type of person I'm attracted to but having kids or being in a relationship hasn't necessarily barred someone from being friends with me. (I have no kids)
Despite having a lot of friends, I've gradually lost my social life due to kids entering the picture. I am one of the last childless people amongst my friends. So now I find myself in the situation of having not really having anyone (at least locally) who considers me a priority in his/her life. I think that's the hardest part, feeling like I have all these friends and I'm still sitting at home on the weekend. I've done some Meetup.com things, but most of the groups I've joined either have so many members there's very little chance of connecting with the same person twice or just haven't been people I end up doing stuff with outside of the meetup activity. I don't know, maybe it's easier if you're naturally outgoing and gregarious, but for some of us who are a bit shyer, it can be difficult or just plain awkward. Just like dating, finding a that friendship chemistry can be hard.
And don't get me started on trying to find friends of the opposite sex. I'd love to have a few good guy friends, separate from the husbands of my female friends. My workplace is overwhelmingly female.
Going out for coffee. Bars aren't really my thing, and even though I do drink, I did not want my social life to revolve around drinking.
Coffee is fairly cheap (compared to cocktails at least) and it is normal to hang out and chat with the people around you. It is how I met most of my friends that live near me.
I'm in my late 20's, married, with two young children, but all of my friends are unmarried and childless. We are a very tight-knit group, having met and been friends since middle school, but we've more or less scattered; Only myself and one other friend live in the same state.
That being said, I would really love to make more friends near me, especially ones who have children. My worry however, or the problem I seem to be having so far, is that I seem to be younger than a lot of the other women who have children around the same age as mine. Also, the fact that my interests tend toward what others seem to deem strange and obscure seems to get in the way. I feel like I'm stuck between two demographics.
Learn to play Ukulele, I'm not even kidding a little bit about this.
My husband and I moved to Chicago last year. Fortunately, he grew up in the suburbs so we at least had his high school friends to fall back on. I've made a few female friends in the city and try to make an active effort to introduce myself to other women in my fitness classes. It's been harder for my husband to meet other guys in the city, but part of it is he's also shy.
We're both late 20s without children. We've found that getting a puppy has increased interactions with people in our neighborhood 1000x over. More people introduced themselves in a day than the last year we've lived here.
It is indeed more difficult to make friends after 30. It is because we grow up and start fearing that people might judge us for having a laugh, for being gossipy, immature and so on. Generally after 30 most of us have settled down with kids, we must be a good example for them and display a good image to our new neighbors or to the other school gate mums. If we have been wise enough, we held on to our childhood friends and with them, hell we can have a good laugh, we can share everything and we can go to them for real support when we have real problems. If for whatever reason we find ourselves with no real friends, and in need of some, all I can say is that yes: chat with other moms at the school gate, with the lady who sells you cosmetics, with the one who walks the dog at the same time as you, (no matter how boring and awkward the conversation is), make as many acquaintances as possible, with time and effort, a small percentage will become your close friends. Good luck!
I so agree with @MEDUSA12120
These people who want friends, are they looking for people just like themselves? Don't they have neighbours? Three of my neighbours are the nicest people I know, a gay guy a couple of years older than me, a single girl about 15 years younger than me and another gay guy who is younger than my son. I have nothing in common with any of them - apart from the place we live - but they're great people.
Hopefully people don't have a stereotype 'friend' that they're looking for.
Adopt/ foster a dog. Join a structured volunteer program (check out volunteermatch.org, Big Brothers/ Big Sisters, etc.). Connect with your local alumni group/ industry group.
Groups like Toastmasters and Junior League are in almost every metro area in the US.
Join a community garden. Just go for a walk-- leave your house, go out into the world.
If you thought to yourself, "I don't want to do any of those things", still do it. If you've done it, try it again. The first year I was in Junior League, I didn't make any friends. Fast forward to the second year--it's an important part of my life.
This is one of the best topics posted by AT.
Thankyou, and thankyou to all who posted their experiences and suggestions.
I feel better it's not just me. And now I have a few ideas for creating an action plan or just increasing my proximity to future friends.
Friendship adds so much strength to life...and sometimes they happen in places one least expects...a couple of things I learnt about making friends when I was single - and a lot of my friends were married with kids - were 1) to befriend their kids...have fun with the little ones...and this is how I made one of my very close friends and 2) invite people over for meals....couples/families/neighbours/colleagues...food makes conversation flow! Good luck to everyone who is starting over.....it's not easy....but you will have new things to discover!
How does having friends keep you from being your own person? That, I just don't understand. If you prefer to be alone, that's just fine, but we are wired to seek connection with others because it's how we survive.
Introverts have it harder, of course. You kind've have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and make an extra effort to connect with people...
I totally agree with ECANDLE96. I never had problems making friends or having an active social life...but now that I am 35 and single while virtually all of my friends are married with kids, it is a whole lot harder, especially as an introvert. About 1/2 of my friends went completely AWOL when they had kids. Many of the others will only socialize if their children are included - they don't "believe in" babysitters and some of them don't even trust their husbands to be alone with the kids (seriously). Luckily my two best friends are great and I love their families, but even so it would be nice to make other single friends.
The people who seem to assume that you can just snap your fingers and make friends if you really want to crack me up...I do try to take classes in things I'm interested in (photography, cooking, pilates, yoga), but I work long hours and most of the "after work" classes seem to start at 5:30-6, which is not doable. My colleagues are nice, but all have families and are looking to get straight home to them after work rather than socializing. Neighbors...my former neighbor did become a friend but now although I am friendly with my current neighbors, they are all either elderly or have young families, so while we do chat occasionally, they've got their own things going on. I'm in a book club but our meetings become very infrequent after members started having kids.
It would be nice to be an extrovert who could just walk into a party or bar not knowing anyone and make 10 friends by the time I left, but that's just not me. Trust me, I have tried, and it just makes me awkward and miserable.
Starting a family is probably the biggest threat to friendships. Most people either do not want to (or simply cannot) juggle the two, and almost always let the friends slide. In my situation, now that children are off to university and marriages have ended, my "friends" are back, trying to re-establish what once was. I have issues with being used as a "fairweather" friend, so I declined. Perhaps my loss, but I don' like being used.
I'm in my 20's and i'll be moving in next May to Washington. I've never made and real friends where i live, my best friends live far away but we send cards and emails all the time to each other. It would be nice to have some local friends that haunt the bookstores and cafes like i do...
@jocelynF - Though it is fairly dangerous, I am going to make several assumptions about you based on what you've said. If you are 22 and 800 miles away for grad school, I think you must be 1) brave 2) smart 3) hard-working. I believe that when you can't meet your needs with what others have organized, start something yourself. There must be someone else looking for a study group, someone to trade papers with for editing, or at least one other soul in the coffee shop hoping for a book club or human contact.
Talk to the coffee shop owner, put up a poster, create a study group, ask another student you respect if they'd be willing to research with you/cross-check facts/trade opinions on each others' work. Maybe all of them are waiting just like you.
It may be trite, but only because it is true: be the change you want to see. It doesn't have to be complicated and can certainly be something that furthers the things you already have going on. You don't have to suddenly find and interest in mountain climbing, dog ownership or try out for the track team. Take what you already have to commit your time to and see if you can create a social situation out of it. I am sure someone else is hoping for the same thing you are and could be your next best friend.
@mackheath1--I was totally going to suggest the hash! I'm in the process of moving to Seattle from Portland. I'm very fortunate to have a really good group of friends in both cities, but if I didn't, the first thing I would do is start going to the hash and look for somewhere to volunteer. I'm likely going to do both anyway because they're fun, but it definitely helps to get out of the house.
When I was in my early twenties, fresh out of college and back in Portland with a few friends, I got a part-time weekend job at the local ski school. It improved my skiing greatly, and introduced me to dozens of new friends, some of whom remain my best friends over a decade later. I even met my husband through a ski school connection. It doesn't have to be athletic--chatting up the owner of the local knitting shop and offering to teach a class comes to mind, but that's another avenue for meeting people who likely share your interest.
I'm almost 40, and don't have kids. I feel like I exist in a separate universe from women who do have kids (different priorities, schedules, focus, etc.). I have just a couple female friends who are also kid-free, about my age, smart, and funny — and they're very dear to me!
I really believe in the sisterhood of kid-free women; we have to look out for each other, especially as we get older. One of my kid-free friends is in her 60s, and I'm quick to help her out when she needs something — partly because I love her, and partly because I know that one day I'll be in her shoes!
It's inspiring reading these comments and I can totally relate to the childless women in their 30s. I'm finding that most of my close female friends are either with child in tow, or have baby on the way. I'm always asked when I too, will get pregnant. It's getting a bit frustrating. Anyhow, the thing I'd like to really know is when one moves to a new neighbourhood, how does one attempt to make friends? I know people were suggesting to join churches, yoga, etc, but my boyfriend and I say hello quite often to the couple that live across the street and I sometimes think how nice it would be to make friends, but I'm too damn shy to know what to say, except for a greeting of some sort.
Now that I am married i definitely am finding myself with less female friends and really miss that. I am in my late 40's, we don't have children and I agree that it has become more challenging to meet new people or potential friends when you are older and without children.
I think we just get comfortable in our routines and it takes more energy to make new friends.
I have put feelers out for volunteer opportunities and am hoping that will be a positive thing!
::Sigh::
It's kind of nice for me (childless at 49) to see confirmed what I had earlier thought was my own paranoia about losing friends when they have babies. I guess I kind of imagined that OTHER childless (child-free?) women didn't experience this, or not to the extent that I did.
So, AT: It would be an interesting topic for an article! What about the cultural divide between those with children and those without? Are women without children destined to lose their friends who do have kids? How do we maneuver this situation? When the kids grow up and the friends want to rekindle: are we wrong to feel "used?"
I imagine this would make for heated commentary and debate. :)
I had a very good friend who hung out with me every weekend for years - and then she did not. It was like she made some sort of intellectual decision to sever ties - only she didn't let me know. That was awkward and embarrassing for me, in the overlap when I still thought we were friends. Then she got pregnant, which sort of explained the shift in life focus. Still didn't take away the hurt of feeling cut-out and demoted (I call it my "friend divorce"). Damn it all to hell if I'm going out to lunch with her when her daugher goes to college and she gets empty nest syndrome!
It is convenient to socialise/holiday with other families if all the kids can play together and keep themselves occupied. Mostly, though, our friendships have been independent of the kids - they have had to go along with what we wanted to do. If kids of a similar age were around, that was a bonus.
@ Mschateleine -- Ottawa is a tough nut to crack -- I moved here 4 years ago and only found a couple of girlfriends through a shared interest. I am single and in my early 50s. When I first arrived I lived in Barrhaven -- a cultural wasteland in my opinion -- and quickly moved downtown. Even in my current neighborhood things are tough (although I love the folks immediately next door) . I am in Centretown surrounded by condo dwellers and students in shared housing, and am a couple of blocks away from the Glebe where if you weren't born into it, you receive a pleasant, noncommittal welcome. Invitations from workmates are non-existent. I have made good friends in every city I have lived so it's not like I am a some sort of pariah! This September I am going to make a more concerted effort and actively reach out -- throwing a party, a bit of volunteering, and the like -- all excellent ways to find friends. What I would give to have a nice cup of tea with a good girlfriend on a cold Ottawa Sunday afternoon!
In summary -- some cities are definitely harder than others to meet people and build friendships, but I am hopeful! There are lots of people out there who wish for the same if we only reach out across the barriers that keep us apart.
my husband is a choiced-introvert, ie he had many social circles in the past and just decided to 'give up'. much worse, he expects the same of me - we are to stay indoors on nonwork-days and to interact only with his family. i have a 10cm bruise on my arm and am living with my parents now, because he was abusive last Thurs. some response i read, says they are fresh out from relationships.. me, i dont know, of what i shld do. have been married about a year now. i know some friendships do not evaporate with time,
but i just dont know if i can be getting any of it back (will i be allowed "into the human race" as one wrote),
or if i can be allowed to get any of it (ie, 'friendship'. my husband would be agressive if i see anyone else other than his family).
My husband is in the military but when we moved to Virginia Beach for our last move we didn't know anyone. For the first two weeks I was miserable. I didn't want that to last so I started looking around online and found a meetup.com group for the Hampton Roads Runners and started going on their runs. It worked out great! I got to meet a ton of wonderful friends and get a workout in at the same time!
PS and the best thing about the running group was meeting friends in a variety of age groups! And not all military which can be really important when so much of your life is military centric.
I understand the many comments about friendships changing or even disappearing once kids enter the picture, but I'm currently viewing it from the other perspective! As the first of our group of friends to have a kid, my husband and I have definitely lost contact with a lot of our friends. It's not because we don't want to invest in those friendships, it's because we have a toddler who goes to bed at 8 pm and we can't leave her home alone so we can go out to bars every night. Babysitters are hard to come by when your circle includes exclusively single 30-somethings who are, by the way, the people you'd like to hang out with if you had a babysitter!
For me, as a stay at home mom, meeting new friends has been particularly difficult. I have been able to keep friendships with some of my single friends by scheduling lunch dates or going out to dinner after my husband gets home from work, but finding new people with similar schedules and interests (notably, interests outside of the kids!), has been remarkably challenging.
Tl; dr: Sometimes, the married lady with a kid feels left out/lonely too!
I have a bit of a different perspective on all the kid-interrupted friendships. When I married & had kids, most of my single friends treated me like I had the plague. Sure they were there for all the festivities & seemed genuinely happy for me but then *poof* it was as if I no longer existed. I worked hard to maintain the friendships of those who stuck around, incuding them in BOTH family functions AND other activities (read that: shared interests, no kids in sight). I quickly learned their preferences, if you will, and nurtured that.
Some never missed an opportunity to get together, kids or no kids. Others accepted only kid-free invitations. That was fine by me, I don't judge. I simply adjusted accordingly. Some singles just aren't comfortable in the 'new family' environment and that's ok. I enjoyed time spent with both equally.
Thing is, I didn't cease to be an individual when I became a mom. The few friends who didn't dump me soon learned that. 'Course life & circumstances have separated most of us by miles over the years, but these days, when we do manage to get together, it's like no time has passed. Sweet. These I consider *true* friends despite the fact that we no longer share our daily lives.
I'm now an empty-nester and things have changed. When the kids were growing up, my house was always *open*. (hey, better to have them all here than who-knows-where doing who-knows what). Many of them called me their 'other mom' and dh was their 'other dad' As a result, my daughter often invited us to get-togethers with her friends at her home and we were always warmly welcomed by her friends. The military eventually moved daughter's family 3000 miles away. But their friends didn't dump us...
They STILL include us three yrs later and often stop by. Married or single, kids or no kids, they know they are welcome. I occasionally call one or two at the last minute when I spontaneously decide to drive to the city to shop &/or run errands or hit a local arts/crafts festival. I always have company. And dh always has a golfing buddy or somone to attend that sporting event when I'm not interested.
I recently moved from a bigger city, where I had a large, fun and tight knit group of friends to a smaller city that I group up near, where I don't feel like I am clicking with as many of the people I meet. I think moving and finding the friends that are right for you takes time. I got a dog - that really helps me meet neighbors (especially since he's a friendly dog and heck, he's my friend!). I also try to get involved in organizations where I think people of similar interests may be - the local co-op, an urban gardening organization. Usually friendship develops slowly but organically in post college years. I hope I find a group here like my former town. But until I do, I will be patients.
coffee shops!
Wow. this is such an incredibly powerful topic. I think friendship in our increasingly mobile and digital world is harder and harder to come by. As someone who had to reinvent her friend circle after almost all of her close friends moved away (sigh the end of graduate school) my husband and I made a project out of meeting cool people through other people we knew and trying to form a new 'group' luckily it worked out really well for us and we found a group of 10 like minded people that are truly our 'soul friends.'
Here are some tips,
1. It's true you can't judge a book by it's cover, but sometimes a cover can be a good lure...I always go up to people at parties and chat them up if they are dressed in an interesting way...plus it's a good conversation starter (I love your scarf, necklace, etc)
2. Make friends with that person you see everywhere, even if you don't have a lot in common, chances are she will know a ton of people, one of whom you might click with.
3. Give the shy ones a chance, it might be painful trying to draw out conversation from a new shy acquintance but it might be worth it.
4. Talk to the person next to you at church, mosque, weight watchers whatever you do.
5. reach out to your facebook circle, as in 'hey remember me? i moved let's get coffee'
6. and the absolutely most important thing....always always accept a first invitation...I try to be person who always invites new people over or to dinner so that they can meet some of my friends, people who say no two times in a row rarely get asked a third time.
My husband and I moved to a different state after college (to find jobs) about 3 and a half years ago, and it's hard to find friends. I actually kind of had the opposite issue; I met a lot of people through work who all hung out when I had moved here but my husband (fiance at the time) had not yet, but then after I got married my single friends didn't want to hang out with couples and we didn't get invited to much. Eventually all of those friends quit my work and moved/got other priorities. We still haven't made many friends where we live, and now that we're having a baby (7 hrs away from our family/friends) it seems even more isolating. We're trying to invite over more people from work, but we're still finding it hard to meet other people/couples.
At 20 I did loose many close friends due to their having kids. It's not that I wanted them to go to the bars everynight, once they had kids it was their entire world. Being child-free I would be invited to the "wiggles" concerts or "chucky cheese" as the only possible outings with them. The last time I called one of them they complained about their kids dad, their parents, their kids.. I finally relalized they didn't even ask how I was doing.
Sometimes people forget friendships go both ways.
In my late 20s-30s I've been making more diverse friends. Sign up for an activity, I've found many in the community ed. classes. Most bike shops offer group rides around town with varring ablities from extra slow to fast groups. I've meet friends just by taking evening classes from community college, it was an art class so you would always have something in common to talk about no matter how good or bad you are at it.
@mschatelaine and @CanadianCapitalTownHouse: I'm in Ottawa, child-free female (the only one in my small circle), and also find Ottawa a 'tough nut to crack', and I've heard many say this (so how can we change it??). Joining clubs just never seems to take things to the next level of friendship, at least not yet.
I think, depending on where you live, in some places it's a lot harder to meet people than simply volunteering and introducing yourself. Some areas simply have a "don't talk to strangers, I don't need any new friends" mentality and it is really difficult to break through that. Also, getting people to leave their house during their free time gets harder and harder, after the age 30, I'd say. (Maybe it's because after 30 many people don't have as much free time and making new friends becomes less a priority?)
I remember my grandmother in her 50's had "church friends" and "country club friends". These were ladies she saw regularly for years but rarely outside of these venues and I would never say they were particularly close friends. Her closest friends were her relatives. I think that's what happens for a lot of people. People don't make friendships like they did in childhood.
Also, one other things... I think it takes a lot of socializing to find that 1 out of 100 that you really click with. Sort of like dating. So, if you're in a community that doesn't socialize much... it's very hard.
I had lived in the same neighborhood for 27 years until last November. Most of my good friends I met at a local coffee shop that I stopped into every day before or after work. The coffee shop closed and most of my friends moved away, but I still have a few I am in contact with. Since moving my partner and I are trying to make new friends here in our new neighborhood. We are shopping locally, frequenting the same shops and restaurants. My partner has become a board member for our condo association. We are trying to find a good independent coffee shop ( hate Starbucks). It is going to take time to meet new people. At our age most people are busy enough with their families that their time is limited.
@ JulianneMay: GET OUT. Controlling behavior and physical abuse are not "normal" in a relationship.
Take your kid(s), if any, and your pet(s), and leave the house. Abuse usually escalates. Get a temporary restraining order (call your local women's shelter or Legal Aid office).
It can only get worse if you stay. LEAVE NOW.
@CanadianCapitalTownHouse --
I wish you luck!!
My theory on Ottawa is that in this town, the National Capital Commission takes over much of the community development -- almost all the festivals and much of the community planning is run by the NCC instead of the City and local communities -- and in so doing, short-circuits the sort of leaders and relationships that you see in other places. In Ottawa, there was really no way for me to become involved in the sort of municipal and heritage boards and committees I've been involved with elsewhere. The only thing which there seems to be is to volunteer for the summer music festivals...
But also, people in this town just don't tend to invite people into their private domains... They keep their walls up. Part of it is what is mentioned in the article -- work colleagues in many cases are in competition with each other. Part of it is dispersed nature of the city -- between Kanata, Orleans, Gatineau, and now development in the deep south (we live in the old part of Manotick), well, it is hard to get together. Or maybe it is the nature of the civil service...
I've had great friends of all ages, all sorts of political stripes and interests; what I've learned is that the people with whom you share fundamental values and interests tend to be the ones that continue. But in order for the friendships to be deeper, there has to be an openness and generosity, of being able and eager to let people into your life. To be able to open your door and let others in. I don't see that in Ottawa. Maybe it is because the civil service is fundamentally conservative, fundamentally wary of revealing anything personal, fundamentally beaten and criticized in the media by outside interest groups to the extend that survival dictates keeping themselves to themselves, but most people in Ottawa are very closed.
Circling back to design though, in most Ottawa neighbourhoods, daily contact with others is short-circuited. It's not enough to have a house with a front porch; you need to live in a community that encourages purposeful walking -- to a store, a school, something -- on a daily basis. You have that in Centretown and the Glebe, and can, over time, develop those sorts of community relationships. I've been in relationships like that which have bloomed over time. At the very least, it gives you pleasant interactions.
But yeah, Ottawa sure is a tough nut.
I have stalked for so long but this is the post that is finally gonna make me comment (hi, AT)! like one of the commenters above, I moved 800+ miles away for school without knowing anyone, and it was awesome and I had great friends there.
the problem is, now I've moved back to the city where I grew up, and it feels completely different! friends from childhood are gone, living in a different neighborhood so it feels "foreign," I swear everything has gone through a butt ton of development while I was gone..
I really appreciate everyone's suggestions and I've been considering volunteering, taking classes, etc so maybe this is the push I need. meanwhile, lets create a meet up for lonely AT readers. anyone else in DC and want to make a new little community..?
I moved back to my hometown several years ago but I hadn't lived here since high school and moved to a different part of town far from where I grew up. I immediately sought out groups and volunteering activities that appealed to me to meet new people.
I think you have to really be willing to be social - make eye contact, smile, and talk to people. I randomly sat next to two women at a brunch for some group and we hit it off. I have also made friends through online groups geared towards my interests. I found people in the online group that lived in my area and we became friends.
You might consider joining a meetup group (or several) . You can find groups-large or small, of just about any interest you will ever have- or create your own. I'm over 50- had moved to an area where I knew no one. Registering, then joining in was the best thing I feel I've ever done. I have met many interesting people of all ages and backgrounds. "And, most days/nights I have a variety of meetups to participate -or not participate in.
Finding friends is hard in some areas, even big cities.
I've got a friend that moved here to Minnesota a few years ago and she's been told by people she met that they "have enough friends".
Many 20-30 year olds here still only have high school friends and really don't accept new people.
I'm in a generation gap, an older, single, independent woman who makes friends easily, but friendship means something very different today. I have acquaintances, old friends, younger and my age, whom I see occasionally because I live in Manhattan and they don't know how to "hang out." Also, I'm retired, don't volunteer or join groups, because I spent my married life as Earth Mother and I taught for many years---so I no longer want to take care of others! Spent my life working, caretaking, earning 3 academic degrees, and am self-motivated which means that I don't have to depend on someone to accompany me anywhere---and I won't sit still in a classroom!.
Joining several Meetups was a disaster, because there were no friendships, just groups changing; I suggested holding meetings in my home, cooked dinners, everyone loved it and guess what! Nothing more happened, no telephone calls, no appointments, etc.
I find this an impersonal desert, and long marrieds and singles have their own networks, they are not inclusive, no matter what! I tend to initiate conversation, getogethers, but I've given up, because many people are insincere and do not follow up their promises that we'll get together, so I gave up initiating.
I crochet, but I wouldn't join a group. Fortunately, I'm self-sufficient, but old friends died, relocated, have health issues so I've lost a lot.
Then, there's the age differences. And ageism prevails. I'm not a feeble Grandma, and I can walk and talk as fast as anyone (native New Yorker), but too many young 'uns (in every decade) are dismissive of their elders; when a young woman tells me I remind her of her mother, I know she's nervous, but she will never get to know who I am, will she?
May I suggest that the 3 Ottawa posters on here get together for a coffee! They're all expressing the desire to find friends, so how about it? After all, its only coffee!!!
I too reciently moved 3000 miles from where I spent the first half of my life. I knew two/three people at all when I got to Washington. Now I feel like I have some of the best and strongest friendships I've ever had. We've made our own little family of sorts, even though we don't live together. We share common interests and activities, and that is how we met. So I suggest to everyone- GET INVOLVED WITH WHAT YOU LOVE!
If you're relgious, reach out to the new branch of your practice and meet those who share your faith.
If you're geek minded, there are lots of clubs for your particular groove of geek ( also conventions are a great place to meet people).
Civic minded, get involved in whatever you're passionate about.
Just get out and don't be scared to talk to people!
@JulianneMay ... I totally agree with FatKitty ...... Stay away ! I'm glad you had a mother to go back to and the great good sense to leave when you did. I wish you the best of luck creating your new (improved) life without your abusive partner !
@shirleyzb ... Why give up 'initiating' ? It sounds as though you put on some really good 'Do's', that other people enjoyed (and, presumably you did too) and that your main peeve is that others aren't as good as you are, when it comes to arranging 'get-togethers'. Maybe these people just know they can't compete when it comes to being a great hostess and don't mean to be 'insincere' at all.
@ Juliannemay: leave the guy and get a restraining order. He's not going to change except to hit you more and further control your life. A support group or seminar through a women's shelter (or a group along those lines) might be a good place to start: they can help with paperwork and get you in touch with lots of different services that may be useful for you as you re-start your life. At the very least, you'll get a sense of how it feels to relate to others in a way that's not based on fear of getting hit or insulted. I was in an abusive relationship for years; this comes from the heart. Real friends are out there :)
People shouldn't assume that parents only want to do child-oriented activities. I had kids much earlier than my peers, but I would always accept invitations that didn't involve the kids. Now that most of my friends are parents, I'm happy to also join in with family get togethers, even though my own kids are older. I think genuine friendships should survive parenthood.
@lolagirl: Ha ha, I should take my own medicine, eh?
Ok @mschatelaine and @CanadianCapitalTownHouse: if you'd like to meet for coffee, email me at inottawa4 at gmail dot com and we'll see if we can find a time to meet!
I think the article's point on income is also an important one. Many of my friends are more comfortably off (further along in their careers, better paid career fields, married well off spouses, etc.) and are able to do things like have nice wedding receptions, buy houses, and go on vacations abroad. I love hearing about their adventures in foreign countries and their great house projects and pets, but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to their lives.
A couple times friends have suggested doing friend trips abroad and signing up for expensive running events, both of which I'd LOVE to do, but I don't make enough money to do these things at this point. We still hang out and do cheaper things, and I think they understand. Though I do think I have to be extra careful that "I can't afford that" doesn't come off as an excuse not to hang out or that it isn't perceived that I'm just cheap (neither are true!).
@JulianneMay Please stay safe with your family!
It sounds like your husband has a chemical imbalance or something caused him to snap & drop all of his friends. You need to keep yourself safe first and formost and then make sure he gets the treatment he needs before you even consider going back to him.
His behavior is not Normal and nobody should keep you from your friends and family. He is bad news and you know it. Trust your gut!
What City and Country do you live in? Maybe there are others in your area that read this and can help you out.
I'm a 62 year old child-free woman a thousand miles from my school friends. I moved to New England for work and stayed here even when that job fizzled out. I married my significant other, whom I met at work, but we got divorced after a few years. A few years after that we decided to co-habit and we are still an informal couple. So he's my best friend, and the few social friends we have are through him.
I've never been a "girlfriends" kind of woman, and don't think I even know how that works. Like @Amaranta and @Natalie.K, and @ShirleyZB, I am pretty self sufficient. I don't do ANYTHING "in order to meet people". I do what I like to do for myself. I have no problem dining out alone (although I don't have to much, since my partner and I eat together.) I'm not uncomfortable shopping alone (in fact I've never done much shopping WITH anybody.) I love to browse flea markets at MY speed. I have been known to go to movies alone, especially chick flicks my guy wouldn't agree to seeing. My job and the commute take up most of my day, and I like to read and craft and garden and play with my cats and watch TV in what free time I have, so I don't miss the concept for joining "the girls" for coffee or whatever. Plus, I don't drink (so no bars and few parties), I am atheist (so no church groups), I despise sports, I have no time to volunteer... Things like that leave few opportunities for meeting people. (I'm toying with the idea of political action, but again, not much time...)
I occasionally feel odd that I pretty much have nobody to invite to a party (except people I work with or my guy's friends.) But the moment passes, and I realize I don't especially want to throw parties anyhow! ;^) I'm pretty content.
@RSR -- lighten up, sweetie, I'm sure no offense was meant -- and, anyway, my gay friends WERE useful -- they always gave both good decorating advice AND the brute strength to move the furniture! ;^) (Of course, that was mostly in my younger days... now they are as old and crochety as me, and mostly far, far away, sad to say.)
@JulianneMay:
::Cyber Hugs!::
Do not go back to him.
You deserve to have friends and be out and involved in the world. Closing off social circles is often an early symptom of an abusive relationship. Controlling, too.
I see for you a few very difficult years, then a reawakening after which you find yourself out shopping with a few friends, reaizing that you are OK and the master of your own fate. What a great place you'll be in a few years!
On parenting/nonparenting friendships:
I know from my childless perspective, it feels as if friends walk away from childless folks once they have kids. I know, too, though, that new parents are rengotiating every single aspect of their lives and their relationships. It's a life-changer, and often incredibly difficult for parents as they redefine themselves and deal with the loss of their "old" selves.
But still, putting blame on neither party, having kids is often divides people with kids from those without. And I gotta say that the "kid" side inevitably puts you in the friend-meeting circumstances (repeated contact, things in common), whereas NOT having kids often excludes you from those very circumstances - at least if you're a single woman over a certain age. When the mother-women are bumping into each other at all their common events (carpools, day care, preschool, stroller-pushing), the non-mother-women bump into other women like themselves less and less frequently.
I think Apartment Therapy should host meet-ups more often. There are a lot of commenters here that are probably from the same city--and guess what--you already have something in common (love of interior decor/design!)
To add my own two cents...I have had a huge number of people come and go from my life in the past few years. Except one. My best friend lives across the country from me but we still make time to skype for a few hours every week. I would drop everything to help her out in a tough situation and I know she has my back in reverse. Even though she's the only real true friend I have, I'm luckier than most.
Reading this post has made me realize how lonely I am, and how much I've been subconsciously stuffing those feelings in an effort to be happy. :(
A lot of my closest friends live several states away -- mostly from grad school 20 years ago -- but I've been surprised by, after moving to a very small rural town five years ago to enjoy more privacy than I'd suffered in the suburbs, how many friends I've made in a place I chose to get away from others! I'm not a terribly outgoing person, but started patronizing a new coffee shop as soon as it opened, and the owners (a sweet married couple) befriended me (and the late bf -- such kindness and generosity when he passed away). I also made a very good friend in the local librarian, as I'm a regular patron (a librarian myself), and she asked me to join the Friends group as an advocate. I've also formed friendships with people at the local pharmacy and my grocery store. These are all relationships that never happened when I lived in a busy suburb patronizing the same types of businesses. I joined a group volunteering in the town park & trail and a local bicycling group. And last but not least, I joined two Freecycle groups and have met some of the nicest -- and weirdest -- people you can imagine, and was asked to help moderate one of the groups, which I've been doing for three years now. I attribute these new relationships to no expectations on my part -- I didn't expect to make friends and just came as I was, so to speak -- as well as the dynamics of a small town.
I'm 30 and have zero friends. I'm an introvert, shy, self conscious and all that good stuff. People always tell me I'm quiet because I don't have a need to overshare and my life is boring so I don't have much to contribute to conversations. I don't know how to turn casual acquaintances into friendships. I recently attempted to make friends with someone at my temp job, and we hung out a couple of times. But if I'm the one who always has to contact you to keep in touch or ask if you want to do something, why bother. If you wanted to be my friend I wouldn't be the one putting in all the effort. I've attended meetup groups but find them a bit odd in that you only see these people at meetup gatherings. So basically you are going to hang out with a bunch of strangers. Perhaps some people are able to successfully make friends that way but it hasn't worked out for me. When I was unemployed I went to the gym and didn't meet anyone there either. There are a couple of girls that I am friendly with at work but we don't hang out, outside of work. It would be nice to have one or two close friends but I've sort of given up on that prospect.
People without children might want to check out No Kidding.It's an international social club for adult couples and singles who don't have children. I've never gone but it must be kind of like meetup for people without kids.
Thanks AT... thank you =)
@JulianneMay, I hope you're doing better and that 2013 brings you physical safety, peace and renewed friendships!
I can relate to those married/childless women who have drifted apart from their friends with children. It's a natural part of living I guess, because as someone else said, mothers are thrown into situations where they have opportunity to make friends through their children. Those of us without have more difficulty. There are a lot of women with children who don't feel they have anything in common with those who don't. Maybe that works both ways, I don't know.
Being childless has certainly been a hindrance in my friendship attempts. As soon as someone asks if I have children and I say 'no', the conversation dies. The second convo killer is when I'm asked if I work outside the home, and the reply is that I'm an artist and work from home. No kids, no 'real' job, what else is there to talk about?
To add insult to injury, I live rural. My husband is my best friend, but I haven't had a best woman friend since my twenties (I'm 50 now). I truly miss having someone to phone and chat with about anything and everything (or to phone me). I miss the "hi, how are you doing", or "let's go shopping" (though my idea of shopping has refined as I've gotten older). Even going out to lunch or coffee would be nice.
My best friend moved away in our twenties, but after her divorce she moved back home. Since that time we've kept in touch less than when she was in another state or abroad. We're only a phone call away (not even long distance), and when we do talk it's like we've never been apart. But those times are few and far between because she doesn't like to talk on the phone, and she doesn't like to use the computer. Meeting up is difficult because she doesn't drive and we live an hour and a half apart (she doesn't like to take mass transit on her days off).
The few friends I do have are much older than me, and that's fine, but I'd love to have a friend(s) nearer my own age, someone who can relate more closely to where I am in life.
I've tried joining groups, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Years ago I joined an aerobic class, and being that the class was small the entire group became friends. I was lucky enough to experience that at two different points in my life. In the first, the ladies were slightly older, in the second, quite a bit older, but we all had things in common, and even the things we didn't, we still listened and supported each other on.
Three years ago I joined Curves, partly to keep up an exercise routine, and partly in the hopes of making some new friends. The latter hasn't happened (and I've belonged to two different clubs). Most of the women already have friendship groups and it's difficult to become a part of that. Others seem uninterested in making friends. And then there are those who simply go to exercise, get in, get out, and go on about their lives (which is how I've now become). I've given up on trying to initiate conversations.
I've also taken art classes for years, to learn new techniques, and in the hopes of making some like-minded friends. Years ago I let two opportunities slip away (and could seriously kick myself). These days people who take classes aren't all that friendly. It's not just me because my SIL has said the same thing. I've tried starting up conversations, often being met with either one word answers or complete silence.
I'm tired of putting myself out there. Being quiet and shy doesn't help my cause, because that is often perceived as standoffish and difficult to approach. Throughout my married life I've been forced into social situations through my husband's work, and I've made small talk, and learned to associate with people. I can do it, but it still doesn't come easy. When I feel rejected I tend to retreat further into myself. I've come to accept that this is the way it's going to be. I'm just not going to be one of those women lucky enough to have good friends throughout my life. :-/
This is not one long drawn out post, but the paragraphs aren't separating for some reason. Sorry.