I think Carrie's comment is exactly right. Why not have a baby shower for a 2nd child? Is there anything less to celebrate? And I would agree with giving the couple what they've asked for (and making a specific request is a relief for most guests). If you're really opposed, I'm sure there's something equally practical that would be welcome: wipes? diaper cream? baby lotion?

I'm with you on the showers for multiple children thing. I was floored that my friend had one for her third child (who was the same gender as the first two).

I agree with the editor. I think all children should be celebrated! I just had a VERY small baby shower for our second baby, who is a different gender. I did not register, people mostly got us baby girl clothes. When they asked what to get, my sister informed them that clothes would be appreciated but whatever they decided to get would most likely get used (ie diaper cream, wipes, etc.)

2 ideas, a gift card to diapers.com or a pack of nature babycare diapers, they are disposables that are biodegradeable (unlike seventh generation).

Just to add, if we were going to have another boy, I told my sister she could have a "Welcome Baby" dinner, in lou of a baby shower, after the baby was born. Gifts optional.

While a baby shower can seem excessive for subsequent children, celebrating the pending arrival of subsequent children and expanding families is a beautiful idea. I think that rather than thinking of this as a baby shower, it might shift your feeling of uneasiness if you think of it as a celebration. The request to bring diapers, probably stems from the practicality of such a gift should you choose to bring one. If you are completely opposed to disposable diapers there are other practical and useful things you might consider: baby wash, new washcloths, diaper cream, ect.

I don't think showers for the 2nd or 3rd kid should be giftapaloozas but having a newborn around is so time consuming and exhausting (especially if you have other children) that many parents end up in hibernation for awhile so I see it as a perfect time to celebrate with loved ones. In the end a shower is just a party and doesn't have to involve gifts or obligations.

Carrie

what if you get biodegradable diapers; or something natural that goes along with diapers (diaper cream, babywipes, etc)?

If you are still really against it, it may be best if you didn't go and spoil the atmosphere; but then again, maybe you should and your convictions could change!

Oh, please. Get over yourself or don't go. I second Carrie's idea. I also believe that all babies should be celebrated. Asking for diapers is a great idea. Heck, I prefer to be "told" what to bring, than to just go get stuff that may not be wanted/needed. Green diapers is a wonderful idea.

I agree that all babies should be celebrated and that the etiquette of our society has changed. You could go with wipes, creams, diaper covers (like blummers) or just a gift certificate to a place that sells diapers and say that you were unsure on the brand. And if you don't feel like going at least send a small gift (aka card with gift certificate).

If you have so many issues with the shower, just decline the invitation. Call the RSVP number and say "Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend the party."

Why would you think a second, or even third or fourth, child should not be celebrated and showered with gifts? If that same family invited you to a second birthday party for a second child later in the year, would you respond with "I'm sorry, I only celebrate first born children." ??!? I agree with what others have said also, buy diapering accessories that are not offensive to you (if there are any) or get them a gift card.

I agree with the editor. It sounds selfish to me to not want to join in on the celebration of a subsequent baby. You should value her friendship more and support her. Life is just too short and babies are such a celebration.

I don't think showers for the 2nd or 3rd kid should be giftapaloozas but having a newborn around is so time consuming and exhausting (especially if you have other children) that many parents end up in hibernation for awhile so I see it as a perfect time to celebrate with loved ones. In the end a shower is just a party and doesn't have to involve gifts or obligations.

^^ This exactly. Maybe if the invite would have had a registry or something along those lines, I would feel somewhat uncomfortable, but for diapers? No big deal. I'd be happy to.

It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind and know the answers to all your own questions.

Lydia, I am with you! I think the only acceptable time someone should have a second shower is if it's with a different father and that is his fist child. I also don't like that they are throwing their own shower. When we were placed with our second child people wanted to have a shower for me. I rejected everyone's offer. I think it was sweet of my friends to offer, but I registered for everything gender neutral with my first child (which I think everyone should do, unless you don't plan on having any more children).
That being said, I love a party and I love my friends. So I would go to the shower. You can't tell your friends what they should and shouldn't do. You don't want to be that person. So, go to the shower, bring diapers or a gift card, and support your friend.

All babies should be warmly welcomed. "Sip & Sees" are common here if subsequent births. If you disagree on many levels, I second the tip to decline invite. Simple. If a friend, wouldn't you want to celebrate her happiness instead of getting in a huff about it?

I think it is important not to take ourselves so seriously. We can choose to take issue with just about anything.
If relationships matter to you, then appreciate the people you surround yourself with. Don't criticize and pull down. Encourage and build up your friends. That means, celebrate with those who are celebrating!
I agree with imperfectmomma with other options for gift giving.

We do ourselves a disservice when we define ourselves by "the kind of person" who we are. "I AM THE KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN 2nd BABY SHOWERS."
ok. Then you choose to not celebrate a happy occasion with friends because "THAT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE".
Is it worth it?

Who we are is in our character and how we treat others.
It is not how we diaper.

I have no issue with showers for any new baby. You don't have to go! If you don't like to celebrate second/third/fourth children in this fashion & you are "morally" opposed to disposable diapers, you probably are not going to be much fun at the party anyway.

You yourself said they are, "too busy to have any sort of diapering system" so your moral dilemma #3 shouldn't be a dilemma or problem at all. It's not an option for them. I say get the eco-friendly disposables and celebrate their #2. Someone is taking the time to throw a shower and spending their money to feed/entertain you and celebrate the baby. The least you can do is attend. BUT, if you can't do so happily & willingly, don't go and stop by with a different gift after the baby arrives.

I think you're taking it too seriously, although if it really is that offensive, you can skip it. I understand why you might not want to go to a traditional shower for a second (or third) child, because you'd assume the parents already have what they need for a baby. But this couple is actually saying they don't want people to feel obligated to bring gifts at all, to bring diapers instead. I think that's a great compromise.
You can bring Seventh Generation if disposables offend you (although we tried them and hated them) or just bring the Pampers and feel good that you are helping to make a friend's life a little easier.

Well, I agree with you. Having a shower for a second kids requesting a specific gift is just rude. But if it was a friend, I would attend and bring a different book. A couple of newly published books most likely and a small gift for the big brother or sister.

A second shower is only okay if there is a huge gap between the kids.

A shower is a gifting event, hence it only happens when parents are starting from scratch. Have a party for a baby but it make it something else.

I also agree that a second or third child should be celebrated, and it sounds like these parents clearly don't want a "gift shower", but just want an opportunity to get together with friends in honor of their new family member. I agree that eco friendly diaper cream would be a gift that you could feel comfortable with while still make it seem like you're "playing along" with their theme and not criticizing their choices.

I don't mean to seem harsh, but it seems like larger "personal morals" such as understanding, compassion, and not judging others might be called for here. At least you admitted that it's unlikely that these parents have time for gDiapers themselves. We all do what we can, but no one is perfect. God forbid someone e-mails you a thank-you instead of writing one or doesn't bring you a hostess gift. I wouldn't want to break one of your etiquette no-nos!

I am having a shower for my second child (thrown by church friends). Instead of gifts we don't need (we cloth diaper) we are going to make newborn kits for the Mennonite Central Committee to deliver to babies around the world who are not getting showers. We get our fun and little onesies, but it all will go to good use.

I like the idea of bringing another use up gift like a future dinner or babysitting (particularly a I will as come over, fold your laundry and watch the baby while you have a shower coupon). If you want better disposables, GroVia makes some that are compostable except for the tabs.

I think the reason she is asking for diapers is because it IS a second baby. That's a much less expensive gift, and keeps people from going over-board.

Personally, I use cloth diapers as well, and I would not have a problem giving my friend her disposables. Would I use them? no. But would I force my views on anyone that didn't ask? NO WAY

If it really bothers you to personally purchase them, I say get her a gift card to Target or something. Heck, maybe even throw in a donation in her name to some landfill-offsetting charity...

You don't have to go to the shower. Once baby arrives, give her a nice gift of your choice.

Ah...the judgmental mother strikes again! As someone entering her third trimester of pregnancy with her first child, I am just AMAZED at how much women criticize each other for their choices as mothers. It's wonderful that you use gdiapers (I'm planning on being a CD mommy, myself), but who are you to judge someone who doesn't? It's as bad as supermodels telling magazine reporters that there should be a law requiring breastfeeding simply because it was easy for THEM to do it! Get over yourself. Really.

If you can't bring yourself to just not go to the party, then I agree with the suggestions for a diapers.com gift card...or just bring a new outfit for the baby. I'm sure they won't turn a gift like that away. But try not to judge them too hard if they don't happen to feed the baby all-organic homemade baby food or if they get a few toys as gifts that are made out of (gasp!) plastic. Sheesh.

I think you are being a bit over the top by calling this a moral issue. Don't go, don't give a present, just don't be a party popper.

interesting topic. i used to be anti-showers for babies beyond the first, but then i was pregnant with my second and my friends insisted on some type of shower/celebration. in the end, we decided to do a sip and see after the baby was born. we didn't know what we were having and ended up having a girl, so it was fun to be able to show off our new baby to a small circle of close friends and family and while gifts were not the expectation...it certainly was fun to receive some cute little girl clothes since she had been wearing mostly her brother's hand me downs! i've also heard of second shower's being called "sprinkles"...not a big over the top gifting event, but a small event to honor that new little life.

now that i've been through it i say to heck with that old ettiquite of no showers beyond the first. ALL babies deserve to be celebrated - it's not about the gifts, it's about honoring the new little life that is about to be or has just been born. now who could take offense to that???

Would you not buy bottles if you knew she could use them but you didn't want to encourage formula feeding? Relax. People are going to do what people WANT to do. If you don't want to go, don't. If you want to go, buy her some diapers. Whether or not you buy them, she is still going to use them. You NOT buying diapers for her is not going to decrease the number that she ends up using. :) Frankie say relax

This is tricky! But I think a way of supporting your friend and still not completely denouncing your own morals would be to give her a gift card with a cute note stating "for Diapers", but also buy a gDiaper starter kit with a note "in case you want to give it a try".
gDiapers are not as hard to use as people think and who knows, she may be intrigued enough to try it out! If she likes it, she can use the gift card to buy gDiaper refills...otherwise, she'll buy regular disposables. But hey, at least you'll have tried!
As far as it being the 2nd baby...completely agree with the editor: they should be celebrated just as much!

holy judgment trip, batman!
i am having my third child six years after my second and see nothing wrong with a baby shower. especially, since the new baby is a different gender than the first two. also, as an experienced mom, i think it is very wise of her to ask for diapers. my advise would be to decline the invite because you certainly wouldn't want to spoil the mood at this joyous event. moms need support, not criticism.

I agree with Lee V. Great friendships should be lifelong and appreciated, and diapering is for a short time.

Just go and support your friend. Bring some diaper cream and wipes if you don't want to bring diapers. What's really important here?

it's true that mentioning gifts isn't the "polite" thing to do, but i personally think an exemption to that rule ought to be made when someone is specifically downgrading the gift expectation. and like many others have noted, it sounds like they want to celebrate but not have a big gift haul-type shower.

about the diapers, personally, i would go ahead and buy them because that's what they're going to use anyway. you're supporting your friend and respecting her choices, even though you would make different ones. for the many years that i was a vegetarian, i wouldn't eat meat for myself but i'd treat a friend to a meat-centric birthday dinner out without hesitation. i would put this in the same category.

Make a donation in her name to a local women's shelter and a nice congratulations card. Everyone wins.

* wouldn't eat meat myself. no, i didn't eat meat for other people, either ;-)

Nature BabyCare Diapers are apparently the best kept secret out there. I don't know why EVERYONE doesn't use them. They are 100% biodegradable. They work just as good as the best diapers. They cost just a few cents more, and they are cute! I cannot afford Gdiapers myself. However, I think they're only available at some Target stores. They need to be the mandatory disposable for the world...

Perhaps not taking yourself so seriously is a good start. First of all, morality has little to do with baby showers. Perhaps your rules of ettiquette might have been a better choice of words.
Secondly, the pregnant woman simply may not be aware that it has historically not been considered proper to have baby showers past your first child or thrown for yourself. While I do agree with both of those points, try to cut her some slack if she simply doesn't know or doesn't share those same ideas. While baby showers are historically about showering someone with gifts, she is clearly not requesting a ton of baby items but rather some very practical diapers.
As for the diapering issue, please try to understand that not everyone holds your same set of values. It might offend her sensibilities to spend twice as much per diaper and do more work for no apparent reason, but she hasn't said that because she doesn't want to impose her values on you. A gift is about bringing happiness to the receiver and not the giver.

Frankly I'm a bit disappointed that Ohdeedoh posted this as a "Good Question."
Stop being so literal. It's obviously not a shower in the sense of "showering the second baby with gifts," which is what clearly offends your delicate sensibilities so. I can't imagine being morally offended by helping out a new mom, even if she's a repeat-new-mom, and even if she *gasp* asked for the help herself! I think it's just as (if not more) rude to expect someone to politely accept a useless gift as it is to ask them for a specific gift.
Yes, manners and etiquette have their place in the world, but this is just over the top.

THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE RIGHT??!
Every baby comes with a unique set of challenges and every new parent deserves to be supported.
If your friend is anything like me, she has nothing left from when her first baby was born. Everything...car seats to clothes... has been passed along to another family member who had an immediate need for it.

If the diaper thing bothers you so much don't go. If it were my shower, I would only want people there who wanted to be there.

Here's my concern: What in the world is wrong with helping out your friends? No matter how many children they have - would you go visit the new baby without a little gift - since you're talking about etiquette. We help people everyday that we may not know. We drop a donation in a box, we support charities - but if a friend asks for help outright, we judge them for it. Having morals doesn't equate judgment. Just because you don't agree with something doesn't mean you have to be disagreeable.

You said that you didn't like being told what to get - how is that different from having a registry? So should they just set up a registry with diapers? You should give your friends some credit - yes they are having another shower but at least they're not being greedy. That is so practical to get diapers.

Buy them some environmentally friendly laundry detergent and call it a day.
Also an FYI if you choose not to bring a gift, don't overdo it on the food - that's rude.

I say don't go. You sounds negative about it so stay home.

I'll preface this by saying I believe a gift is a gift and it should be the givers choice what to give. I also am a little uncomfortable with big showers for multiple children, but this clearly isn't an all-out shower event. I had a small "blessingway" for my second baby. My friends all brought freezer meals for me. A couple did bring me a traditional baby gift, but overall "showering with gifts" was not the focus. It was really special and I was glad for the support.

In this case I would just buy some Naturecare or 7th Generation diapers or wipes and not overthink it. Both are more eco-friendly alternatives that you can feel better about while still honoring mom's request.

I was so offended by this question. Everything about it rubbed me wrong. I don't understand why you wouldn't celebrate a 2nd baby. Sure, they don't need as many things, but they still need to be supported. And I have to agree, that I think your friend is trying to limit the gifts by asking for diapers. It's not like she handed out an approved gift list with expensive boutique items on it - she is asking for something very practical and inexpensive that you know she's going to use. And just because you don't like disposable diapers doesn't mean it's the wrong choice for her. She may be trying to stay green in other areas that you aren't aware of. Either way - it's not your place to shove your convictions on her.

My advice - If you can't go as a cheerful giver, don't go. She'll know, everyone else will know, and you'll just ruin your friendships.

Hosting a shower is often something friends want to do knowing it's for a 2nd, 3rd, etc. child, and if that's the case, there's no reason for the guest of honor to decline.

I think you should decline the invitation, as you won't be in the right frame of mind to be a joyful guest. That's totally okay!

Maybe you could make other plans with the mommy in the near future.

I would say that this friend probably wants to surround herself with those who love her unconditionally to celebrate her second pregnancy. If it were me who had invited you to share in the celebration of my family addition and I gave you an out of just bringing some diapers and you responded by posting your moral judgement of me on a website... yeah, just skip the shower. Who needs friends like that?

I agree with the many prior commenters that have said you either shouldn't go (if you have a huge problem with the whole thing), or you should go graciously and give them what they asked for, in a way that will suit your morals (e.g., "greener" disposables, or some diaper cream or such). This sounds more like a regular old party to get together friends and celebrate rather than a true "shower" to me since all they've asked for is diapers. They probably put that on there knowing that if they just said "no gifts" that it might be ignored and knowing that they will, in fact, use up all the diapers whether others like disposable diapers or not!

Since all that has been said, the only reason I'm bothering to add a comment is to encourage other busy parents: if you are interested in doing it, you can cloth diaper! Don't use your profession as a reason not to. My husband and I are both busy big city attorneys (ooh-la-la, right? ha ha!) and we still love cloth diapering our kids. To each his own, and I'm not judging anyone for choosing a different system, I'm just saying that if you want to cloth diaper don't be dissuaded by your work schedule.

i think the editor nailed it. there's not much else to say about what to give...

but i would feel bad for any brand new baby that didn't get a little celebration before hand based on what i think is an outdated etiquette rule! it's not about the gifts!

honestly, i love just about every response to this post. but it's almost like ohdeedoh put it up to be ripped apart. just sayin' :)

slightly off topic, but question for baumgak - did you find a daycare in your city that will do cloth diapers? this is my only concern about the whole cloth diapering thing. becaise if they won't do it at daycare, is it worth doing it at home?

and as for the questioner, while i share your concern for the enviornment, get over yourself. if it's such a moral dilemma, don't go.

While I agree that all children should be celebrated, I can see why the wording would be off-putting. "In lieu of gifts, please bring diapers" is still asking for gifts, they are just being specific about what they want.

Since you are feeling very critical (and in my opinion, pretty judgmental about her decision to use disposable diapers), I would decline the invitation and then bring over a meal to the family once the new baby comes along. It will be just as necessary as diapers and you can make it as environmentally-friendly as possible.

I agree that second and beyond showers are relentlessly tacky, but what are you going to do?

Think of it this way -- they're clearly not going to CD, so if you don't give her 7th gen diapers, that's just another Huggies that she'll use instead. The greenest thing you can do is give her biodegradable disposables!

Go, smile, have fun, and vent about the total lack of etiquette to your husband.

You have had a million comments already but they do make diapers that are biodegradable (we cloth diaper but use these while on vacation)
http://www.gro-via.com/product.php?pID=100342&cID=183

As for the shower for the second baby, as someone pregnant with #2 at the moment, It is totally acceptable. My shower will be about welcoming a new child into our family and about my daughter becoming a big sister. Every child deserves to be celebrated!

While I agree that buying an alternative diaper system for anyone who is not interested is a waste of your money and probably an insult to them - I'd like to point out that professional parents can cloth diaper. We do.

I personally would just buy the diapers. But if you'd like an alternative, how about baby food and bibs? Bibs aren't really a hand-me-down, and food is something they will need soon. Or, ask your friend for an alternative. Instead of "I think disposable diaper are unethical," ask "I'm so excited to get something for your next child - is there something special you don't have yet?"

I also like the suggestions to skip the shower rather and bring over dinner once baby arrives.

i am pregnant with my second child. another girl, they will be less than 3 years apart. i don't need anything for the new baby because i have been able to save everything my first daughter used. when my friend asked if i wanted a shower i said "no" because there's nothing i need to be "showered" with, but i want to celebrate baby girl #2, so let's just have a celebration. she suggested having everyone just bring diapers. makes sense to me because that is literally all i need. wouldn't it be more rude of me to make a registry of unnecessary gifts as opposed to asking people to just bring diapers? i don't want my friends spending money on items that are not necessary. was it rude that with my first daughter i asked everyone to go out of their way to purchase gDiapers for us since we didn't want to use traditional disposables? (this was before you could buy them at BRU) i doubt you think so Lydia.
what your friend wants is obviously not a traditional shower where it takes her hours to open a ridiculous amount of gifts for baby, most of which are unnecessary anyway. she wants to celebrate her new child and let's face it, people are not going to come to a party empty-handed. so point them in the right direction by asking them to bring the only essentials you need. and just because it goes against your "personal morals" to purchase disposable diapers doesn't mean your friend should be robbed of her needs. she's going to use disposables whether you buy them for her or not. so, get off your high horse, buy your friend some diapers and go celebrate the new life she is creating. stop being so selfish. the world has enough of that already.

I'm obviously not up on etiquette (and I'm a first child so I guess I lucked out!), but I don't understand at all the notion that only first children should have celebrations. What's the reasoning behind that, from the formal etiquette perspective---just that you have already gone to a shower for the first child? It seems bizarre. We always had just as many celebrations for my younger sibling, from showers to birthday parties to graduations to weddings. The notion that she should have been shortchanged on any of those life events because people already had to go to (and, presumably, give gifts for?) those celebrations for me seems tacky (and mean!)---not the other way around.

The diaper bit is another issue all together, though---personally I would find something cute and inexpensive that goes with the diaper theme to bring instead. I've been to lots of showers with themes (bring a wine glass to a wedding shower; bring your most essential baby medicine cabinet item to a baby shower; bring a favorite plant or recipe to a housewarming; etc.) and I think generally the goal has been to discourage elaborate or costly gifts while recognizing that left to their own devices, people are unlikely to show up empty-handed.

Is this a friend or family member that you care about? If so, I don't think you should feel so put out at having been invited to her shower, whether it's her 2nd baby or her 10th. Moms of newborns need support, and as for the diapers: Everyone chooses to diaper their babies in different ways. Probably some people think it's silly to diaper in cloth, but wouldn't necessarily take a moral stand against it. How about a gift card for baby, or a gift for mom--like nice lotion, a casserole to freeze, or an i.o.u. for babysitting? If this isn't a friend that you want to be bothered with supporting, then just don't bother. Throw away the invitation, and don't give it another thought.

Just FYI, biodegradable diapers do not really break down in a sealed landfill.
"A landfill is not a composting facility," the California Integrated Waste Management Board says on its website. "Nothing degrades well in a landfill."

More info: http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/04/63182?currentPage=all

Some daycares will do cloth, my daughter's did and it was not in any way a progressive or fancy center.

I am passionate about cloth diapers, but you know what, that's MY choice. This is about celebrating a new baby and supporting a mother. I would bring a giant box of diapers with pleasure.

I think it's great that they said please just bring diapers. The reality is, people are going to bring gifts anyways, at least this way it's clear what they need. The environmental disaster would be if people brought a bunch of toys and such that they didn't need.

Every baby should be able to look at pictures of the party to celebrate them before they were born, not just the first ones!

I believe that baby showers are for the benefit of new parents, not the baby. The gifts are a way to ease the cost of parenthood - the same as a wedding shower eases the cost of a new household. If people were celebrating the baby, wouldn't they wait until the baby is born? At any rate, I would bite my tongue, go to theshower and take a gift card. My friends know that I would not buy them disposables. We would probably have a good laugh that I was too 'green' to go buy them myself.

Ack! I have too many opinions to even take the time to read the previous comments to see if I am just reiterating previous opinions.
Every baby deserves to be celebrated! That's what a shower should be- a celebration and a display of that joy for the mother and baby, be it their first, or 10th. Each baby deserves this as much as the first.
Secondly, I think you should consider which is more important to you: your friendship and her feelings, or your personal environmentalist view? In the long run, which is more important for you to preserve? If you decide that her feelings and your friendship are more important, than you should give her what she needs. In lieu of that, something handmade always trumps whatever everyone else brought, whether they have registered for it or specifically asked for it or not.

How about a gift card or cash instead of diapers? :) That way technically you're not actually buying diapers! And I don't know about you, but cash is sometimes the best gift :)

Lydia, people like you are EXACTLY the reason I'm firmly refusing to let anyone throw me a baby shower. This is my third child, and granted, my last child was over 6 years ago and I am starting from scratch. But I would be devistated to hear that people were making cruel comments as though the shower was MY idea, and that I was hosting it?? Generally that's not how a baby shower works. Nearly every shower I've been to (for first, second, third, etc babies) has been a surprise shower for the mom. They often don't have a choice. Badmouth the host, not the mom, if you feel obligated to badmouth anybody for wanting to celebrate a new infant.

I will remind my mother again that I do not want a shower, even though she is insisting on throwing one. She was out of country for the births of my first two children, and couldn't be there to do the whole shower thing, which I think is why she's excited about it. But jeez, it's certainly not worth it to know that ignorant people could be making terrible comments behind my back because of it!

Please, showers are for moms, not babies, which is why they are celebrated before the babies are born. I say go, support your friend, and suck it up. She'll need the diapers with two little ones.

I say buy Seventh Generation diapers. They are awesome anyway and maybe your gift will convince your friend of that and you will be doing her a "green" favor without even voicing your opinions on disposable diapers. With newborn babies' sensitive skin they seem to cause much less irritation too so it seems like a win-win situation to me.
We ARE so judgmental and so opinionated as mothers. I have been shocked by that in my 3.5 years as a parent as well. With my second child (a second boy who is 2 yrs younger than the first), we really didn't need anything and I didn't ask for a shower. BUT, that second pregnancy is just so different than the first. It still sucks, it's still hard and you feel so much less special and less cared for than the first time around. I think it is wonderful that this woman has a circle of friends who is trying to make her feel special about having another baby. I say celebrate on!

Seriously, get over yourself. This shower is not about you- if you can't go with a good attitude, please stay home. Being a parent is really hard work, and judgmental "friends" do nothing but bring us down. A baby shower is a time to help a family prepare a place for *their* baby, not yours.

Community is great, and I hope we can retain the group celebrations even for supernumerary kids.

I've happily thrown showers for friends (none of them having their first child) so we could eat, talk, and enjoy some time without our offspring present.

Our compromise is that the gifting is limited to meals for after the baby is delivered: http://babytoolkit.blogspot.com/2007/09/awkward-hostess-strikes-again-more.html (this post links to two earlier posts on meal showers).

I'm sure the host is trying to keep the gift spending down by making it a diaper party. If it were me, I would make some joke about bringing a gift to help fill some of those diapers (and offer either a frozen meal delivered to their home before the due date or an IOU for fresh meal delivery when the baby comes home).

If you remain uncomfortable with the idea of a shower for a second-born, that's okay. In that case it would be appropriate to graciously decline the invitation than attend with reservations.

Wow. What a lot of comments...it is sad that we have to identify ourselves with our own morals and ethics and can't see outside of our own perspective. We raise our children to be tolerant and compassionate, yet as adults we usually are so far from that.

I would be what some people consider "progressive" (vegan, extended breastfeeding, done cloth diapers, etc) yet I would never openly judge my friend on those matters even if I didn't agree with her. Why is it that we feel the need to judge and be competitve with one another? We each have our own ideals and values. Who is to say what is "right?"

Also I thought this was a design site? I am kind of new to the community still, but are posts like these typical? It's just a bit strange to me, that's all.

Get over yourself. This isn't about you, it's about your friend and her baby and she has every right to celebrate that child.
Buy the diapers, go and have a good time.
This question really disgusted me. These aren't "moral" issues, they're personal preferences.
Wow.

@Speakaboo

Let your mom throw a shower if she was unable to attend the earlier ones. I threw one for a third child and invited as many of the grandma's close friends as the mom's. The grandma is someone I really respect and (because of geography) none of her prior grandchildren had been celebrated with a shower in our community. We had a meal shower/brunch and enjoyed a morning telling stories over tea.

Let your mom have HER grandmother party.

I come from a culture where baby showers are not the norm, and when I had my first I made it clear to my friends and colleagues that I would be uncomfortable with one, and everyone understood and showered their generosity on me after the baby was born (which was super nice -- I loved getting cute little gifts in the first weeks, when I was hardly leaving the house. it really cheered me up). Now I'm pregnant with #2 (same gender) and it's clear to me that I will get gifts again from the same friends, because why wouldn't they? yes, I have everything I need, but still, it's a cause for celebration. In my culture, registering is not the norm, but if it were, I think it would make perfect sense to register for diapers, wipes, diaper creams etc., and likewise, I think that in a culture where baby showers are the norm, there's nothing wrong with celebrating a 2nd baby and "registering" if you will, for the one thing you actually need. With respect to your moral dilemma, honestly, this is such an easy one to get around (look at all the wonderful suggestions people have posted), so I really think your true issue is that for some reason, you are begrudging your friend the opportunity for a second celebration (maybe you didn't feel comfortable when it was your turn?). To that I say, just think of all the positive things about your friend, pick a gift option and go. Have fun. And the next time an opportunity to celebrate presents itself in your own life, embrace it and make sure to share it with your friends.

And to the editors of Ohdeedoh, how about a post with gift ideas for 2nd time parents with a same-gender baby? Sounds like you've got all the ingredients for the post right here in the comments...

I think a lot of these comments are spot on. That being said, why don't you bring wipes instead? That might be a happy medium.

Lots of comments already, but I would find it more wasteful to buy them something they'd never use than something they need. Why buy a starter kit if it will just end up in the dump?

Wow, maybe Lydia should get over herself, and go support her friend? Why press your own personal morals onto others? Bring disposable diapers as asked, and realize that it's a personal choice, which type of diapers people feel like they have enough time/patience for.

I don't normally comment on posts, but I had to on this one. I cannot believe the audacity of this person.... No one is making you go to this shower... and if you want to go then give her what she needs. Showers are for friends to celebrate with one another and help their expectant friend out. I find it especially considerate that she is asking for diapers in lieu of gifts and find you rude for disapproving so much!

Am I the only one who thinks a baby shower is just one more great excuse to have a great time with friends and family... not a political, social, or "MORAL" statement.

You know, you are not "required" to give a gift AT ALL. That's what "in lieu of" means. That's not the point of a baby shower. It's for you to "love on" the new mommy (and daddy... and big brother/sister). Doesn't seem like you're in to that. No offense, just saying.

Sounds like the parents are being very green by rejecting new, wasteful items that they don't need in lieu of the one thing they know they do. Doesn't get much greener than that.

So you're against disposable diapers, but also agree that your friend is too busy to use any sort of diapering system. What exactly do you want busy people to do then? Not have children? Let their children just do their business on the floor? I hope the person that invited you sees this an uninvites you.

I was going to write you something but when I read the editor's comments...I have the same opinion! The first thing you should ask yourself is: "Do I really like this friend?". And about your issues with having a shower for a second baby, you know, we all have our issues, but I'm assuming that she is really your firend, so, if this is important to her, why not be a part in such a great moment in her life? The idea of a giftcard will be appreciated, she won't need just diapers anyway. And above all, just think about showering your friend and her second baby with your love, your presence and friendship - above all, this is what counts!

By the way, I'm not crazy about going to baby showers at all... But I've been to all my friends'. And it was great to be sharing that great time of their lives. Maybe I wouldn't even mind having one someday...

Just because they ask for diapers does not mean that you have to get them. I like the idea of getting your friend other things she can use even if this is her second baby. Things like diaper cream, nursing pads, milk storage bags, nipple cream are nice gifts. What about a gift for the mom like a gift card for a pedicure? I know few pregnant ladies who would say no to that.

I have to say that when I was pregnant with my second I was apprehensive about having a baby shower because I felt like I was asking for too much. But once she arrived I realized I'm so glad that I did because she deserves to be celebrated just as much as my first!!

Also, Carrie's suggestion of offering babysitting or meals as a gift is a great one.

This post made me so SAD. All babies DO deserve to be celebrated!! ...and seriously now, if you can't "deal" with going, then just don't. Make something up if you have to.

As for the diapers, the person said it herself--they likely won't use gDiapers or cloth. So why not get them something they'll USE? Baby's gonna need diapers, if YOU buy them or if someone else does.

The tacky part of this situation isn't the mommy-to-be. It's her "friend." :/

Ugh, I'm SO over the etiquette of NOT celebrating 2nd, 3rd, 4th children, etc. All children should be celebrated in some way. Don't go if it's against what you believe in, but you should reconsider where you stand. Seriously, this post irritates me. Buy something for her that you do support/believe in if you go, the options are limitless, really. Did I mention this post irritates me?

i guess you just have to decide whether you care more about your friend, or your concept of proper baby shower etiquette and opposition to disposable diapers. it seems simple to me, but if you are that passionate about the evils of showers for second babies, requesting specific gifts, and sposies, then i guess you stay home.

And I completely agree with Christina Weedon and the others who support subsequent children on their posts.

This question is one of those taboo things to talk about for sure.
A new mom 1st-2nd-3rd time around mom deserves to be celebrated. It is a wonderful time in a woman's life, it is the women that surround this woman and support her who are her true friends. It sounds as though this new mom is a busy person and probably needs as much support as possible. In 5,10, 15 years is it really going to matter, or perhaps you just won't be friends with this "immoral" person any longer.
I cloth diapered our 2nd child exclusively from CDs I purchased and from some given to me from my close friends/family at my 2nd baby's blessing. It was wonderful having all those women there to support my decision to 1) have another child and 2) cloth diaper - since none of them had done so.
Think long and hard about your friendship. If your ideals come before people then your damage might not be on the environment - but your own environment in your head.
Support and Love one another.
Good Luck

I don't think etiquette has "changed" so much as it has fallen by the wayside. People don't send thank you notes anymore, and think having multiple showers is OK too. If you want to "celebrate" how about inviting all your lady friends out to lunch, no strings attached? Celebrating a child before they're here isn't much of a celebration for the child, it's about the parents, let's be real. If you want to celebrate the child, have a big birthday party for them. To me - a second shower where gifts are expected is tacky. Trying to label it under the guilt-trippy guise of "celebrating the child" is silly.

I agree on the murky territory. I think every baby should be celebrated, but specifying the gift you want your guests to bring is teetering on offensive.
I was in a similar situation where a close friend repeatedly informed me of baby websites where she and her partner were registered for gifts - organic, bamboo, $800-stroller gifts. When we declined the shower and sent our own shopped-for gift, we got another reminder. So I do think there is some tact and etiquette here that should be applied...

Please just don't go. I usually am the first to say there are no dumb questions, but boy I might have to revise my thoughts on that...

I dont feel like there was anything wrong with the parents having another shower and asking for diapers. Diapers are something every baby has to have whether you choose cloth or disposable. They were not asking for anything extravagant- you can spend less than $15. Sounds more than reasonable to me.

Wow. How much better would life be, would parenting be, if we could all just support and love each other and our parenting decisions? Most parents I know are doing their darnedest to do what's best for them and their kids as best they know how. Having someone sitting on their high horse passing judgments really isn't helpful, nor is it going to change how your friend parents.

As for showers... look, even if you're having a baby who's the same gender, only a few years apart, there are still things you need. Onesie's get stained beyond use, car seats fall below new safety standards and need to be replaced, and so on... Yes, a baby shower, isn't a celebration FOR the baby, it for the parents and that's okay. It's to show support for parents and to celebrate with them the impending arrival of a new child. And yes, even to help them a bit financially because raising a child, even a second child, is very expensive.

I think the author of this question must be a very small and unhappy person if THESE are the big important issues in life.

Just decline the party. Im sure if your friend read this, she wouldn't want you at the party anyway.

Is this post for real?

If this person is your friend, then how about some support and tolerance? Everyone could use more of those these days.

I think you should also respect people's beliefs, even if they don't match yours exactly. So your friend doesn't want cloth or biodegradable diapers...can't you just respect that and help her out in the way that fits her lifestyle? If not, then I don't know how your friendship really works in the first place.

lol judgey mcjudgerson should just stay home.

can you just give cash or a check?

i hope i have never made someone feel humiliated or "less than" by the small efforts i have made in my life to be more environmentally-friendly.

Previous posters have already voiced my thoughts. If you really feel that strongly against this baby shower, than decline the invitation. It's their baby, their family, their parenting choices... why do you have so many issues with them? If you do choose to go, then get them a gift card.

I personally see no issue with celebrating any subsequent children, why should only the firstborn get a party?!

"Who we are is in our character and how we treat others.
It is not how we diaper."
-Lee V

This is the awesomest comment in the history of time.

wow! 109 comments in one day! well I'm glad I went through all these comments because they reassured my decision in having a second shower. My mom is planning it and she was pushing me to have it and i was worried what others would think. Shame on me! there is nothing wrong with having a shower for your 2nd 3rd 4th etc. every child is a miracle and should be celebrated. Love your comment "mamashafe" couldnt have said it better.

Writing from experience, I would have loved it if people had taken the time to celebrate my second child. With my first pregnancy, I was thrown several showers -- and I hate being the center of attention, so I can't say I loved it -- but I loved that people wanted to celebrate the baby with me. I'm very sentimental when it comes to gifts, so I treasured every thoughtful gift and card.
Then I got pregnant again three months after that first baby was born. Instead of being congratulated, when people found out, everyone seemed to feel sorry for me. The looks on people's faces were horrible. People seriously forgot to say 'congratulations.' Instead they talked about how full my hands were going to be and how many diapers I'd be changing. We also moved during that pregnancy, so I ended up being away from all my old friends. I was so scared to have another baby (and c-section) so soon.
And it ended up feeling like my second baby snuck into the world with so little notice. It made me so sad. A few friends sent gifts, but no one beyond family even made us meals. All that to say, please, encourage and bless moms beyond just their first pregnancy. Let them know each of their babies is precious and that you're there to support them during what can be an overwhelming time. Not everyone's situation is just like mine, but it never hurts to celebrate someone and let them know they're loved. :)

There's a huge difference between celebrating a child and soliciting gifts. It's my opinion that second children should be welcomed with a "sprinkle", for which the parents do not register. Guests can choose to purchase a gift or not, but since there's no registry (and nothing directly asking for gifts) it's not implied as expected.

To answer the original question, however, I think in this case you have to question whether sharing your personal beliefs is worth the possible loss of a friend. If the friend is very "popular" and you wouldn't be missed, by all means, skip the shower. If you feel that you would be missed, go and don't take a gift. If she asks later (which would be SUPER rude, IMO), explain your beliefs and ask if there is anything else that she needs (or don't, that part is up to you).

Is this some kind of ploy to get free advertising for gdiapers?!!!

I am pregnant with my second and some friends insisted on throwing me a shower which makes me really uncomfortable (my first is only 18 months old). I told them I don't need much of anything since I kept everything from my first, and they replied that it could be a diaper shower. I didn't want to be rude so I agreed (even though I'm picky about diapers and try to use gdiapers as much as possible). It can be awkward on both sides!
All that being said, why don't you just get them wipes? Or some other practical gift like packs of wet ones, bath stuff, etc.

I don't get why some people have to poop on second, third etc baby showers. After all, unless you have babies right after another chances are you've donated or given away most of the baby items from #1. Most close friends and relatives look forward to these events anyway. What's the big deal? Let's all take a deep cleansing breath.

I'm glad that the editors posted this, so Lydia sees how absurd this is. What a weird set of "morals."

Every child deserves a party.

They asked for diapers in order to avoid the "faux pas" of asking for gifts for a second child. Obviously someone (not you) wants to celebrate the mom and baby. Why not get some diaper cream or something?

Okay, I feel compelled to comment since so many people have expressed that they think you're being too judgmental... and I think just the opposite.

I completely agree that etiquette seems to have gone by the wayside. As a few earlier commenters noted, let's get serious, a baby shower is not really about "celebrating the child", it's about giving the mother-to-be a special occasion to mark the rite of passage. I am on the fence about showers for 2nd babies, regardless of whether the baby is a different sex.

But I do 100% agree that it is completely inappropriate to ask for specific gifts on the invitation. This trend has infiltrated all manner of invitations, and it's really tacky. If guests want to know what the parents would like or need, they should ask the host (who is, I hope, not the expectant mother herself!).

And because a gift is just that, a gift, it should not come with conditions or specifications. So on top of not feeling obliged to give the specified gift (disposable diapers), you should not feel obliged to give a gift that is against your personal morals.

I think you're a woman after my own heart. I am bothered by exactly these sorts of things, "times have changed" be damned. Still, I think the classy way to handle this is to attend the shower since it's someone you care about. You obviously care enough about the mother that you are worried about how to handle the situation and not seem unsupportive.

However, since showers are a gift-giving occasion, bring a gift that you feel good about giving. Whether that's some 7th Generation or other more eco-friendly diapers (lots of options out there), some other diapering supplies, or something completely unrelated, give a gift that you have no moral issue with.

If others guests have any tact, they will not comment on the fact that your gift is different, and there is no reason for them to feel awkward that they "followed the instructions". (Now that I'm thinking of it, if all the guests are bringing diapers, presumably, there will be no gift-opening at the shower, so you will probably dodge that bullet anyway.) If you need to say something about your gift being different, just remark that you thought of the mother when you saw this particular gift, or you thought you'd splurge for a little something different/fun/out of the ordinary. And just bite your tongue on the "2nd baby shower" issue - if you decide to attend, then that is the polite thing to do.

Go, and enjoy your time with your friend. If the shower is done right, the gifts needn't be the focus of the shower anyway.

Don't be put out by all the other comments calling you judgmental or no fun. Believe me, I would agonize over the exact same issues, and I think there are a lot of people out there who would completely agree.

Oh, please. Just get over yourself, my dear. Do your friend a favor and don't go. You must have a serious amount of time on your hands to work yourself into such a tizzy.

And please don't judge someone on how "eco friendly" they are or aren't simply because of their successful career.

The diaper thing would bother me too: why not just not bring a gift? The poster obviously seems to have a problem with a baby shower for a second child anyway...

If it were me though I'd do what my friend asked. Baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, funerals, birthdays, your friends' kids' birthdays... are about celebrating those events and those achievements. They aren't a time to give unasked for advice or impose your own moral and ethical codes onto people.

I think baby showers for second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth... (I grew up Catholic) are great. Additionally, I think it's okay to have a second wedding if you get married again. If someone wants to be a scrooge let them but that doesn't mean people who do care about those people shouldn't celebrate with them. Besides, what if you were being really green and giving away all your baby things to friends with newborns who needed them? Why assume just because it's their second child they have everything they need - aside from the fact that they were nice and polite to let you know they did and you needn't feel like you have to drop a lot of cash on them.

I am absolutely shocked someone would be offended that a friend dared to invite one to a second child's baby shower. Especially when the mother kindly requested that no one should spring for expensive gifts, so no one would feel pressured to give again!

It's one day out of your life. And diapers are incredibly cheap. (Not to mention, if you are opposed to diapers, a small gift card to babies-r-us/etc is also very cheap!) If you actually value the friendship and she'll notice your absence, then take a deep breath, relax, and go.

If she's just some acquittance, then send her a nice card wishing her well.

Oops, acquaintance. Darn my phone butchered that one.

What is CD parenting or being a "CD mommy"?

Oh -- "cloth diaper" is probably CD? Duh.

Me tired ;)

I believe baby showers are for congatulating the mom, finding out the lattest news. Getting together and chatting. I wonder if your thinking this might be greedy of her. In that case, delcline. She wants to be happy and enjoy herself with thoughs who are happy for her. If your not going to let her enjoy this time, Then Please decline. I would have loved to have a party with each and every one of my kids. I used cloth diapers and breastfeed all of them. But if my friend wanted disposables diapers, I would smile and ask what brand? Then go out and do just that and probably more. Each baby should have a party call it what ever you like. And every friend, should get just exactly what she wants. Becouse she is your friend.

As to whether it's appropriate for a second child, of course it is. Assuming everything's still provided for the second isn't true for all.

Most people don't throw their own showers, so the person throwing it probably is trying to be helpful in asking for exactly what the new mom/dad wants. Not the best taste, but better to know what's practical, right?

If they're too busy to use a diapering system, why bother to try to convert them to your view? You know they're too busy and it won't work for them.

Giving biodegradable disposable diapers on your part is the most gracious solution - and when people are in the midst of having a baby, slips of etiquette shouldn't be the focus - helping them where you can and making their lives easier should.

This is the greatest discussion ever!! I can't believe how many responses have been generated; I might as well throw in my 2-cents!!

On the topic of 2+ baby showers - keep in mind that (at least where we live, among our friends), hardly anyone throws their own baby shower. I never CHOSE to have a shower for my second, but my friends insisted on it, just like they do for every. single. person in our neighborhood who gets pregnant with their 1st or 10th (I have an awesome neighborhood).

And for me, it was REALLY helpful to have a shower for my second - the second was a different gender, plus my husband is in grad school so we truly appreciated all the little things - wipes, girl clothes, pacifiers, handmade blankets, etc. - we got. No one went over the top but I felt so loved.

Otherwise, I agree with almost everyone else here!!

Hi Lydia, in the grand scheme of friendships having a child is huge change whether it be the first or an additional child. If you do not believe that there should be a shower then that is your right, but how will your friend feel if you do not attend? Are you willing to stand your ground and possibly damage or even lose a friendship over this? You can find a way around the diaper dilema gift since a lot of people go off registries even if there is one. So my question to you is are you a supportive friend or aren't you? Why are you making this one baby shower (2-3 hours of your life) such a big deal?

P.S. Where I live it is common to have baby showers after the baby/babies are born so people can see the baby. The idea is to celebrate the new child.

Just get a book, GC, or Earth's Best Diaper and go have fun. The point is to bless your friend. Each child is a miracle of God and a reason to celebrate.

I understand her plight and appreciate her question. What I don't get - no doubt because I don't have children - is the defensiveness of the comments.

I believe you can abide by your ethics and avoid being trampled by your friend's etiquette violation in one fell swoop. Here is Miss Manners answering a reader who was also taken aback by a baby shower solicitation:

"Parties such as showers and birthday parties are now commonly planned solely for the gratification of the honorees (who are commonly the hosts or the hosts' relatives), without consideration being given to the enjoyment of the guests, whose contributions are blatantly solicited.

Fortunately, attendance at parties is optional. You owe your friends your congratulations and good wishes; you do not owe them any form of child support."

Anyone wishing to celebrate a joyous occasion with friends without appearing to be soliciting gifts has a simple way to do this. She invites her friends to a party at her home, a friend's place, or a restaurant, for example. The hostess pays for the food and drink, and while catching up as friends do, her guests will learn of the impending excitement. They may exclaim, "Oh, you should have told me! I would've brought a present!" The gracious hostess will respond, "Your being here is all the present I could want." If none of your friends could honestly respond the same way, you may want to make new friends.

This isn't an etiquette dilemma. This isn't a moral dilemma. This isn't a diapering dilemma. This isn't even a good question.

This is about celebration, friendship, emotional maturity, being judgmental, and imposing one's values and standards on others.

To me, it doesn't sound like you really value this friendship, or are particularly happy for your "friend". If this invitation had come from a really close friend would you be having these "moral dilemmas"? I doubt it. I cloth-diapered both my kids, but can't imagine judging my friends as to whether they did too!

As others have said, don't go. If you don't have the love and generosity to share in the impending joy, you don't belong there.

This post prompted me to register, after a few months of reading.

Yes, I agree with you that its a bit iffy re a second "baby shower", but on the present issue, I think she was trying to avoid receiving useless things when she already has another child. It sounds like she wants a catchup with her friends before the birth, and if you wanted to buy her something, please buy her something practical and inexpensive.

I breastfed and cloth diapered my kids. I don't judge others for their choices. If your friendship simply comes down to these issues, its fairly superficial and I'd suggest you don't go.

I warn you, though, if you consider this to be an issue, there are bigger issues that you will probably face later- for example, when your friend doesn't discipline her child who hurts your child or when your friend has an abortion as something is wrong with her baby.

"Celebrating a child before they're here isn't much of a celebration for the child, it's about the parents, let's be real."

Exactly. Yes, all children deserve to be celebrated, but what does loading up parents who already have tons of gear with more gear before the babies are even here have to do with "celebrating" them? Let's not confuse naked consumerism with love for a child.

Wow - it is funny the way people carry on - I would never dream of asking to have a second shower at someplace like my office (which had an amazing shower for me) however I have a friend who would be beside herself if she couldn't throw a celebration for every pregnancy. For the second babies in the group - it was brunch and shopping, and brunch and mani/pedis - all about papmering the mom to be. For the one family in the group having a third baby - there is a surprise dinner with diapers, homemade frozen dinners, and gift cards coming up in a couple of weeks.

For those of us who love a reason to get together and enjoy our friends and the special times in their lives - why not have a shower, brunch etc - if bring a gift bothers then don't - the mom to be won't care - she will just be thrilled to be thought of and pampered for a bit.

I cloth diapered my baby from 3 months on, the first three months her super liquid poops (sorry) couldn't be contained in cloths so I used Nature's Baby Care diapers as others have mentioned. I did a little research and they seemed to be the "earth friendliest" diaper I could find.

Thank you designmind for posting Miss Manners' comment! Couldn't have said it myself. And yes - very interesting that those claiming that Lydia is being "judgmental" are the ones in favor of second showers themselves. And the ones that seem to be harshest on Lydia. Interesttttiiiinnnggg.....

The only issue here that I see is the diaper issue, if you aren't comfortable with disposables, give something else, or nothing.

Every parent should celebrate their parent in a way that feels comfortable, but if you don't feel the shower should be held, please don't go unless you can forget about that, and enjoy yourself. No one needs someone there reluctantly.

I think every baby deserves to be celebrated as much as the first, you may not need as much stuff (which is probably why your friend specifically mentioned gifting her diaper's). Regardless, if it offends you so much to go to a second shower, then you shouldn't go.

Why baby showers suck
by eeka

I'm usually of the "get over yourself/it isn't about you" camp, but I get where the poster is coming from in terms of the cultural piece (even though the first-child-only thing isn't an aspect of my own culture). I'm someone who is really uncomfortable with baby showers for a number of reasons, yet I also want to welcome children and help out new parents in my circle.

We're fairly religious Jews, so we don't buy/make things for children who aren't born and wouldn't be comfortable at a shower where people are doing this. We do send a card along with a shower attendee saying to expect something from us once the child is here.

Our family also isn't comfortable with female-only showers, being a same-sex-headed family with a number of transgender folks who are close to us. We never can tell from the invitations who is and isn't invited, because they don't usually specify whether they're female-only, and I frankly don't care to ask or clarify, because I'm not interested in attending something where only some members of my household or workplace are welcome, so I usually just wouldn't go to such a thing religion aside. It's also uncomfortable for a lot of GLBT folks to be at an event where everyone is talking about their assumptions and stereotypes about family and parenting roles -- usually leaving out the role of a father in a het couple and lots of very bio-baby-centric talk. Again, I know, the event is not about me or my family, but we're nonetheless not comfortable with events that revolve around subtle sexism and heterosexism.

Oh, and another more minor thing is that as someone who works with families of children with disabilities, I'm just skeeved out by the Polyannaish culture around expecting a baby, where everyone talks about how it's going to do this and do that and is going to be healthy and able-bodied. What if it isn't? Do you then no longer want it? People even explicitly say crap about as long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes, and the privilege and assumptions piss me off and drive me crazy, because I'm sure the parents of my kiddos who don't walk or talk would love it if their kid "only" was missing fingers. Then I'm sitting there thinking, do I act like an ass and ruin someone's baby shower, or do I say nothing and contribute to the invisibility and stigma of people with disabilities?

All this aside, I love to welcome children into families and circles. Once the kid is here, most of the assumptions and the excluding rituals stop. But I definitely get how the baby-on-the-way time can be obnoxious for people who are culturally different from the expectant family.

Oh, and I don't think that having environmental concerns is being judgmental or having poor boundaries. ALL OF US need the planet to still be here, and all of us get to choose how we spend our money. You are under no obligation to get your friend a present whatsoever, let alone one to which you have ethical objections. Because of my religion, I wouldn't buy pork for anyone for any reason, and that's based really just on a superstition.

I'm just thinking about how boring it is going to be to watch this lady receive a bunch of diapers, rather than fun baby gifts. Isn't the point of a shower to "shower" somebody with gifts and watch them open them? Sounds lame to me.

I'm with you on all of your three points. However, keep in mind that everyone does what works for them. For instance, you find it unethical that she uses disposable diapers because you use g diapers. I use cloth diapers, so I could judge you for using g diapers. But everyone does the best they can. Here's what I would do - either skip the shower saying you already have plans, or go and give a different small gift. No one else will feel bad because of it (though they may judge you for not following the "rules"). You probably would have given a small gift when the baby was born, right? So give it at the shower instead.

Wow- even though I agree with some of you and disagree with a lot of you- this is the most interesting Ohdeedoh has been in awhile! Yay for open dialogue amongst moms-- even those we don't agree with. :)

Sheesh, if you can't get over yourself then don't go. I didn't want a shower for my second (or third) baby, but loved ones gave me a small surprise shower for my second. And what is more welcome to parents welcoming another baby than a stash of diapers? Just because you use gdiapers or cloth doesn't mean everyone does. Get them something other than diapers if that is how you feel and if you can't refrain from making judgy comments then stay home.

Well, this sounds like a great time to use an amusing label I heard the other day: Sanctimommy!

Otherwise, what @mschatelaine said.

I am completely in agreement with this comment, and am reposting it because it is spot on with what I wanted to say:

"This is about celebration, friendship, emotional maturity, being judgmental, and imposing one's values and standards on others.

To me, it doesn't sound like you really value this friendship, or are particularly happy for your "friend". If this invitation had come from a really close friend would you be having these "moral dilemmas"? I doubt it. I cloth-diapered both my kids, but can't imagine judging my friends as to whether they did too!

As others have said, don't go. If you don't have the love and generosity to share in the impending joy, you don't belong there."

I think a shower for any child, regardless of birth order, is a great idea. Just think of the little brother or sister looking at family pictures and asking, "Did you have a shower for me, Momma?" and getting a "No, honey, my friends didn't believe in showers for little brothers." Second kids have enough to deal with.

Assuming you dont' mind giving your friend a gift, it's just the circumstances that have you bothered -- skip the shower with a nice rsvp regret, then give her whatever you choose to at a later time. Or if you think no gift at all is appropriate, just send your regrets to the party with a smile.

Celebrating the birth of a baby is wonderful. All babies should be welcomed and "showered" with love, regardless of birth order.

I would never judge a person for making a different parenting decision than me. I wouldn't refuse to give formula or bottles just because I breastfed, that was my decision to breastfeed and theirs to feed formula.

If you are going to miserable and upset while you are at the shower because you feel you are being forced to "go against your personal morals", don't go. The mother to be will be hurt and upset by the negative vibe and energy you bring.

Unless your friend is a Dugger, there's no reason not to celebrate her having another child. I'm guessing she just wants to get together with everyone to celebrate the birth of the second child and knows that people are going to bring gifts, even if she explicitly says not to. I'm making this assumption because this has happened at every single "no-gifts-please" baby shower/wedding shower/housewarming that I've ever attended.

Her request insures that she'll get something practical that she'll actually use, and while the diapers will eventually end up in the landfill, you can probably bet that whatever you give her that is unwanted will as well.

FWIW, I could easily judge you for using GDiapers instead of cloth. But that would be petty, right? So, either get over yourself, get some 'sposies and go, or don't go at all (because nobody wants to see the sour expression on your face when you notice the pile of disposable diapers that your friend has received).

If a baby shower is only acceptable for the first child, I assume the reasoning is that the parents already have everything they need for subsequent babies.
That is often not the case. I had 8 years between my first two kids. I hadn't planned on having more so I gave all the baby stuff to charity.
A friend threw a shower for my 2nd baby and we needed everything we received and were very grateful.
Everyone's life is different. I try not to judge and not to expect others to do things the way I would do them. Love your friend and respect her choices.

I don't think you should attend the shower. New moms want to celebrate their new babies and your attitude seems really negative. I'm having a party to welcome my second baby and if any one we invite is offended by such a joyous event (parties are not cheap for the hosts, so why have negative people there!), I would much rather have them not attend. Especially, if they aren't truly happy for me. I used cloth diapers with my first and honestly having disposable diapers on hand early on was a huge help. I don't think most people can (or want to) commit to cloth diapers 100% of the time.

Wow! Hope your friend (who is pretty identifiable in this post) doesn't read Ohdeedoh!

High five, designmind. I had my edition out and was thumbing for that exact passage when I saw that you had already quoted it.

I don't think the new mom in this situation meant to offend anyone. She probably felt that people would take "diapers in lieu of gifts" to mean "don't buy me crazy stuff." But the better way to think about it would have been to not expect anyone to buy you anything and then play "pleasantly surprised" when your sweet and loving friends asked what they could get you.

When my friends have had second babies, I always call them up to say congrats and then say, "Please let me buy you a little something. Think of a gift you'd like and let me get it for you." Which, by the way, is how we used to do these things before everyone put their registery info at the bottom of the invite.

I concur, this has been quite interesting.

Oh, and I don't think that having environmental concerns is being judgmental or having poor boundaries.

^^I also agree with this. I absolutely don't mind that the OP has her environmental concerns, or that she has an opinion or belief on how things (a shower, here) should be done. Heck, everyone has one. I think her question rubbed a lot of us the wrong way because it makes her seem all high and mighty.

But, anyway, if we think about it, if a second or subsequent baby shower is wrong (i.e. greedy, gift-grabby), isn't a first baby shower the same? Generally speaking, you're registering (a.k.a. asking) for gifts too. What's the difference? But I'm anyway one of the few that like to be told what to give, because I feel I'm giving something that's wanted.

Now I'm interested to know what Lydia will do.

Bless you for using an eco friendly diaper.

I don't think it's the crime of the century to use disposeable diapers. After all, it's human waste we're talking about.

However, I also get annoyed when people tell me what gifts I'm allowed to buy. Give them the eco friendly diaper you use. Go in with an enthusiastic attitude, and tell them why you love those diapers so much. Do so subtly and don't sound judgemental of their habits.

What a great thing it would be if you got them to change to that better diaper!

the only reason that a shower for a second or third, etc. baby could seem improper is because of the emphasis on gift giving. as many gifts were given to the first child that can and should be re-used, then a parent could appear greedy by holding a shower for following children, as if they are just seeking more unnecessary gifts. your friends seem to be trying to avoid that impression. asking for no gifts is often futile as people would still bring useless junk, feeling obligated. I bet your friends thought by asking for diapers, something easily obtained and pretty cheap, they would take the pressure off guests to provide a 'real' present and end up with something actually useful. (and yes, technically invitations should not mention presents at all, but unfortunately, presents have become an assumption and sometime benefit by being addressed.)

that said, you certainly don't have to take a gift (one is never obligated to gift). if you want to give something, you are also not obligated to follow their wishes. I would just take it as a cue that they would appreciate something useful. instead of diapers that you personally object to, get baby powder, diaper rash cream, etc.

I, for one, do not have babies. I do, however, LOVE throwing a party almost as much as I like attending them. I will find any excuse to throw one. Arbor Day? Bring it on. Fourth baby? Why not?! Point is, perhaps a generous, loving friend of your friend simply wanted to throw her a party. I wouldn't fault anyone for that. You shouldn't, either. Just don't go.

I'm not going to add anything new here... I think all babies should we welcomed and honored. For our friends having their 2nd or 3rd, we generally put on there, "bring a little gift for mom and baby," and people bring all kinds of things - thrifted clothing, soaps, IOUs for errands, etc. And also, if you don't want to go, don't go.

I think a lot of these comments are being a little bit harsh on Lydia. Isn't the fact that she asked for advice as to what to do indication enough that she cares about her friend? Please, let's stay focused on what we're actually discussing here and not punish Lydia as if she is every judgmental mom you've ever encountered.

That being said, where I come from, a baby shower is something a friend or a family member gives to the parents, and it's a celebration of life. I had no idea it was 'first child only' thing, and it's completely possible that Lydia's friend had no idea either. Sometimes you spot an issue where someone you know is committing (at least in your eyes) an etiquette faux-pas, but it's usually good manners to bite your tongue about it.

But regardless of the etiquette issue, Lydia, I see only two decisions that have to be made here. Are you close enough to your friend that you want to be part of the celebration? And if so, can you cook, because I know no new parents who wouldn't love a nice hot dish from a friend. ;)

So, Okay, I personally think that there is something to be said for etiquette of the past (no second shower unless opposite sex or sufficient amount of time between babies) and I dont like when people put on invitations what to buy either. But, that being said, they are my friends and I care about them, so, I make a few remarks about it to my husband and move on. I go to the shower happily and give them what they asked for out of support for my friend. The End

Is the gift about you or the recipient?

If you are troubled by the situation, then simply don't attend. send a thoughtful card, and perhaps include a small more personal gift for the baby or a gift card. NO need to get overly offended, as to each his own. For example, I offered to host a shower for my neighbor's first baby. She invited over 50 people! Instead of complaining, I just simplified my plans to curb costs. Adapt.

I agree with foodefafa (and anyone else who made similar points... I haven't read the whole thing yet) that the hosts of the party were probably thinking that requesting diapers would avoid giving people the impression that this is a gift grab. I have my own mixed feelings about multiple showers, but at least in this case, I think the intentions were probably good and they just want to get people together to celebrate. That said, if you have a moral objection to the diapers, you can always give them something else of your choosing, or just politely decline the invitation.

I'm sorry Lydia, but perhaps you shouldn't attend your friend's party. Your 'question' sounds very judgmental and it does not seem as if you're interested in celebrating the new life your friend is welcoming into this world. I hope your friend has a lovely shower with friends and family who support her regardless of what her future baby craps in. Seriously, don't go.

I'm surprised that a person who uses g-dipes feels superior to others. If you have ever spoken to a water engineer, particularly one who specializes in water treatment issues, you would hear a very, very different story about the environmental impact of g-dipes, and no small amount of cursing. If you live in a drought area, there is no "best" solution to diapering; it's all a series of environmental trade-offs.

And I love how so many people cling to "etiquette.". Didn't that idea come from the Victorian era? Etiquette and cultural practices have never been static. They evolve, constantly. Should I ever be blessed with a second, 8-plus years after my first, I would feel so lucky and grateful to have any celebration or gifts (a great deal of my gear went to Hurricane Katrina refugees).

I'm just amazed by the small-mindedness of some people... but I do appreciate all the comments and debate here. Very interesting stuff!

This has been very interesting for me, coming from a different country/culture. While I'm sure our tradition of having a baby shower probably has the same roots, they are seen as more of a celebration of a milestone for the mother, although I'd never consider going without a gift. Gifts are just as likely to be a little treat for the mother during pregnancy, like massage oil/skincare, or an offer of home cooked meals when the baby arrives. I've never heard the concept of only having a shower for the first child, although I get that it was probably to help first time parents set up for the child. I guess a bridal shower is along the same lines, although where I live, it's very uncommon for a couple to marry without living together first, so it's equally as 'unnecessary' as a shower for subsequent children given that reasoning. They've always been a chance to celebrate a milestone with the mother/bride to be for me.
The issue of a gift register is also interesting to me. Registers are not terribly common (although they are becoming more so), but are still thought of as a little bit crass - in effect specifying which gifts are acceptable. I'm getting married soon and would be mortified at the concept of 'registering'. Interesting how things are viewed in different countries, cultures and across generations!

To expand on what eeka said ---

There may be several reasons why one would not want to/find joy in/or feel they "should" go to a baby shower (whether it be a mother's first or second). I went through years of infertility and believe me when I say going to baby showers for nearly every cousin, friend and coworker who very easily got pregnant during those years was no picnic. I think I only opted out of one. For the others - I went, put on a happy face, brought lovely gifts and listened to their baby/pregnancy stories enthusiastically and showed my happiness for their fortune and blessings. And then I went home and cried.

Baby showers can be difficult for people for many reasons. My approach to it was to try and be a good cousin/friend/coworker and "be there" for them as I hoped one day they would be there for me. And for the one shower I missed, I made up an excuse and said I just couldn't make it. They were none the wiser (I think) that I was avoiding it because I just couldn't bare it that week.

My advise is to just not go if it is going to cause you pain, grief, or like you are compromising your morals by attending. My second bit of advise is to try not to let something like diapering or a difference of opinion regarding parenting or showers get in the way of friendship.

Ok... I don't get it. Why not have a shower? Why not support a second child (even if you believe in only having one yourself)? Friend's choices are _their_ choices.

I am a natural momma. But I know sometimes we all have to make choices that people won't agree with. Should she have ended the pregnancy? Have the baby but not celebrate it? Some people believe children should have siblings... does that mean she should not celebrate an only child's arrival?

We used cloth diapers for all our kids, and I breastfed way through to the preschool age. But gifts and gifts and needs are needs.

One of my greatest joys has been in helping new moms out in my area... we're rural and it can be very isolating to have a baby up here. The recession isn't helping many families. So we gather supplies... for the low income teen mom who has never heard of attachment parenting as much as for the farming super hippies I pal around with. We all need love, support and joy in our lives during the birth of a child. ANY child.

And yes... 7th gen diapers can be a big help... gdiapers cna be great, especially as a "gateway" cloth diaper... but in many places, they are difficult to get, or stores have dropped the product all together.

Support. Love. Joy. That is what we attend showers for. To celebrate a new human being. And if one can't be on board with that... then move on.

Well, first of all it doesn't really sound like you're good friends with this person, and in that case why would you feel obligated to go anyway... especially if you're feeling so judgmental about the whole thing. If I knew someone that was invited to my baby shower felt this way about me I would really hope they didn't even come.

Second, as someone who is pregnant with her long awaited second child, I definitely feel the need to celebrate just as much as I did with the first. And I wouldn't necessarily agree with asking for something specific as a gift, you don't have to go get them what they asked for. How about a gift certificate, something personalized for the mom or baby, or something handmade?

Sounds like the mother was looking for a smaller party to celebrate the 2nd child. I don't really see anything wrong with that. Miss Manners might not entirely agree. However, a shower's purpose is to shower the bride or mother to be with gifts. So it's actually ok to ask for specific things for gifts for a shower.

If you'd still like to go and the party givers still want you you could think of things you used for your newborn that you use up. You don't have to give disposable diapers. You also can decline the invitation.

Also, I'm pretty sure the couple does have a diapering system. Just one you disapprove of. But you probably disapprove of the mother working outside of the home as well. sigh

just buy your friend some diapers!

I just wanted to weigh in since I am one of the few who also don't believe in 2nd or 3rd showers. I guess I'm old fashioned! For some people, it does seem like a gift grab rather than a true celebration. I understand the need to celebrate every child however and I think the request for diapers is a good compromise. It lets guests know that they don't expect big gifts this time around. Yes, I know that cribs, car seats etc.. get worn out but I still think it's not right to expect big gifts for every child. All those baby shower gifts do add up and most parents don't need as much gifts the 2nd time around.

wow...starting to feel a bit judged here because i had a friend that was dying to throw me a shower for the arrival of my second. since i had another girl, i really didn't need a whole lot, but my friend's and family's generosity was really appreciated. i did tell those who were attending that if they were going to bring a gift, i would be more than happy for them to bring diapers or wipes. (yes, i am one of 'those' people that uses disposables...gasp!) my office even gave me a lovely shower. i didn't work there when i had my first child, so my co-workers were really excited to throw a party for the baby.

and for my 2 cents...cut the superior attitude. if you don't want to hang out with people who have showers for second (or 3rd etc) kids, don't hang out with them. don't attempt to rat them out on a public website while masquerading as asking for advice. it's just tacky. if you really care about these people, take them a dinner after the baby comes home. or offer to watch the older kid for an afternoon. if you want to be a friend, be a friend. you don't have to agree with every little life decision they make. we need less attitude like this in the world.

Lydia, I think you have to ask yourself: do you value your morals more than you value your friendship with this person? Personally, I have friends for whom I would temporarily put aside some of my misgivings if doing so would help them or make their lives easier. At the same time, I am also "friends" with some who I probably would not go to such great lengths for. I think at the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right, regardless of people's opinions.

I agree with all the folks who suggested compromising with a gift card. If a gift card doesn't sit well with you (or any of the alternative gifts that the other commenters suggested), and this whole shower thing still makes you uncomfortable, another suggestion is to respectfully decline but with a counter-offer/promise of visiting your friend at a later time to pay your respects to mother and child, and feel free to bring a gift you deem may be appropriate. A baby shower is not the only way to show support to your friend and her baby.

I'd love to know what Lydia decides to do! I would suggest either declining the invitation or giving a gift (or not giving a gift) that makes you comfortable. It doesn't sound like you're very close to these people.

It doesn't sound like you like this person very much, so I say don't go. I see NOTHING wrong with celebrating subsequent children and feel that they are actually asking for a very practical and modest gift. Isn't gift giving supposed to be about the person getting the gift and they're needs/or even wants rather than you're own personal opinions on how they should parent? And why not bring biodegradable/all natural/organic disposables. I feel sad that your friend or acquaintance is getting such flack behind her back for something so simple. Be supportive, or don't go at all, again, it does not sound like you're very close to this new mama. Sad, sad, sad.

If Lydia were as sanctimonious as you all are making her out to be, she probably would not have posed the question.

During grad school I watched a film called Message in the Waves. Nothing like seeing plastic outweigh plankton in our oceans and dead albatrosses with plastic sticking out of their skeletons to give you nightmares about pollution.

So yeah, some of us freak out over wasteful products. Watch those videos and see what we're really doing to this planet. Then ask yourselves how you're going to break that to your kids when they have to live with it.

Before you pat yourself on the back for being enviromorally superior to your friend, I need to tell you that gdiapers aren't exactly the greenest option available. One, they aren't used so manufacturing is required. Two, because the liners require replacement they require a drive to the store or being shipped. Three, the packaging.

Purchasing or bartering for used cloth diapers is a better option. But really, procreating in the first place is where the environmental offense occurred. Think of all the food that needs to be grown to sustain one human being. Yikes. I wonder if your childless friends felt conflicted about celebrating your child seeing how he or she is going to use up our resources.

In other words, I think a martini and chill pill are in order.

While I had no idea that second children weren't expected to get presents (!!!) I can completely understand Lydia not wanting to purchase disposables. I try not to judge those who use them and just be angry that they were ever invented - in my opinion they should somehow be illegal for the harm that they do to the environment, along with plenty of other things that make people's lives ridiculously convenient, and yes, that probably includes things that I buy/use. Diapers in landfills (and plenty of other things in landfills) last 300+ years - so I think it's incredibly irresponsible to have a kid and then throw garbage into a pit that's still going to be there when that kid's 13xgreat-grandchildren are born (if humans are still around then, I suppose).

I think that you may be forgetting that this is not about you and a shower is not about getting gifts... it's about the mum and her new baby and celebrating a new life in the family.
A beautiful friend threw me a baby SHOWER for my first baby and didn't want my second and third to not be celebrated in the same way so threw me a baby SPRINKLE for the other two. Same celebration on a smaller, more intamate scale with no gifts. She did organise a massage for me with baby sitting for after the birth though, I got spoilt :)

I think this woman is being quite sanctimonious, but I have to agree somewhat on the subsequent baby showers issue.

Maybe it's just from personal experience, but I have been invited to many baby showers for 2nd, 3rd and 4th children where the parents-to-be registered at 3-4 separate stores and had multiple pages of items requested. Im talking items like car seats, cribs, changing tables, etc. On every one of these invitations the registries were listed, and I was frequently reminded to check them by the parents. I find this tacky and offensive.

I see nothing wrong with buying gifts for the new baby, and I agree that ALL children should be celebrated; however, I do not agree when baby showers are used to essentially foot the bill for the parents. If the children are far apart in age, or if the parents are struggling financially, then I can understand. Otherwise, if friends and family want to buy an expensive item, I say let them do that, but dont request it from every invited guest. I also wouldnt disagree with having a baby "sprinkle" in which friends and family are invited to purchase other needed items such as pacifiers, bath supplies, keepsakes and clothes.

I think that Lydia's friend was doing just fine in her request for diapers, as those are completely practical items that every parent can use. Im currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second and asked that no one throw me a baby shower, as I have nearly everything I need. Friends and family have sent me gift cards and diapers to help, and I think this is an appropriate approach as well.

Regardless of the etiquette involved in how a baby shower is handled, I will always attend. I may not agree with everything, but that's life. Having a difference of opinion doesnt mean you need to be unkind.

Overall, this woman needs to come down off of her high horse and accept that her personal beliefs may not align with those of the people who invited her, but they still requested her company at the shower. Maybe creating a personal gift, like a handmade item, would show the parents that she cares without making her like she is going against her own moral obligations.

Monthcalledmae-

You shouldnt feel guilty at all for your friends and co-workers throwing you another shower! There is a total difference between throwing yourself a shower and having others give you gifts. If your friends and family want to help, let them and dont feel guilty. That's just silly. :P

I can't stand it when people think they're so virtuous for using cloth diapers. So you might add less to the landfill than I do with my disposable diapers, but since I'm not washing cloth diapes, I do way less laundry than you do.

If you really want to be environmental, don't have kids. Stay at home, grow your own food in your backyard, and stop wasting electricity by posting about your misguided morals on the internet.

People throw baby showers because they like babies and they like parties. But you obviously don't like either, so don't go.

I am literally shocked that someone would seriously agonize about this situation. Lighten up.

A baby shower is a celebration and a time to gather with the expectant mother (or couple depending on the style of the shower) before her/their lives become extra chaotic. For those of you who think having one for a second or third child is inapproperiate, you are really making a huge MATERIALISTIC leap.
Life should always be celebrated. If it was about the gifts then rich people wouldn't hold baby showers because they can afford all the baby things on their own.

As for the diapers, the request is probably because they have plenty of clothes, toys etc. from friends/relatives who've passed them on. Books are always a nice gift for the child. After all, they may request what they think will be most useful, but you are under no obligation to bring anything unless you choose to do so.

Rachiti - really honestly the purpose of the a shower is to give gifts. You are showering the mother to be or bride to be with gifts. According to all etiquette experts it's only party where you are required to give a gift if you attend. (no, you don't have to give a wedding gift or a birthday or any other gift for any other party you attend.) You don't have to attend and then you don't have to give a gift. But really the purpose of a shower is to help a bride to be or mother to be set up housekeeping or set up a nursery.

Hence why it's not proper to give a shower for a 2nd or 3rd child. Or even for a 2nd marriage. That doesn't mean one can't be given. And obviously this mother or the people giving the shower recognize this by asking for disposable diapers to help the mother to be out since it's not a big gift and a nursery doesn't have to be completely set up from scratch. But one doesn't have to bring that gift if one wishes to attend the shower.

However, really reading the OP's letter I think it would be best if she didn't attend since she seems so hung up on the parenting practices of the mother to be to be able to offer sincere congratulations.

I think it's a bit odd to have a second shower too. But it may be that your friend's family or whoever is hosting the shower wants to have one for her. No matter how much of a fuss I kicked up, my family insisted on a bridal shower (I insisted it be family-only), a baby shower, and a second baby shower for number two. I wasn't informed of the second shower until the invites went out. I think they knew I'd argue against it! The second one was after the baby was born, and was family-only. It gave all of my aunts (I have a few!) a chance to meet the baby. I was given mostly clothing, and I know that if a shower wasn't held, my aunts would've given me gifts anyway.

The diaper request is a pretty good idea for a second shower actually. They probably have everything else they need. It gives them something practical, and it's not a huge amount of money to bring a pack of diapers.

My advice would be to go, support your friend, and have fun. Or give a reason you can't attend, and congratulate your friend/celebrate her new baby in whatever way you'd prefer to at a different time.

Well, I hope my friends and family don't feel this way about my shower. I just adopted a little girl and guess what? I'm pregnant with my first baby. I didn't adopt a baby (she was five years old) so I have no baby things AT ALL. I guess I should decline offers of showers as well? Hmmm... I won't.

I was rather struck by eeka's post about how much baby showers suck. You're offended by baby showers because:
1) Your Jewish faith makes you uncomfortable celebrating a baby that hasn't been birthed yet
2) You feel showers are sexist
3) You feel showers are hetero-sexist
4) You think showers are, I think, insensitive of alternatives to birth like adoption? (although who doesn't throw an adoption shower??)
5) You feel showers are insensitive to same-sex couples
6) You feel showers are insensitive to transgender people
7) You think showers are offensive to those with disabilities.

<blink>

<blink>

Wow. Apparently a lot of people on here who use disposable diapers feel really guilty about it. I use disposables, but when I read Lydia's question I thought it was cool that she used gDiapers. I didn't feel like Lydia was trying to put people down who use disposables...she was simply pointing out that she is not comfortable contributing to a problem she takes very seriously. I respect that even though I am not doing the same.

Everyone chastising Lydia for being judgmental is being judgmental themselves. And I am probably being judgmental for judging you judging...but anyhow.

It seems like this is just a case of the tone on an e-mail being misconstrued. I doubt she was going to go to the shower and be unpleasant and I doubt she doesn't want to "celebrate the baby". I am sure she would have been comfortable celebrating the baby once it was actually born. Perhaps not all celebrations of life require a monetary contribution.

I say go. Showers are fun and a nice celebration for the baby. Every baby deserves a shower of some kind. Also, there is nothing wrong with having a diaper shower. Maybe she has all that she needs but would just like to celebrate and get diapers instead of outfits a gifts.

I say go and bring her the g diapers. She might really like them a lot. I saw them the other day, and even though we work, if I had another, I would use them. They are really cool and you might open her up to something new.

I cloth diapered both my babies 90% of the time, but still appreciated having a few disposable diapers on hand for those first few weeks of sleep deprivation, or to use exclusively at night. And I had a very busy, very successful career too. :)

Buy some Nature Babycare or wipes, cream, or baby lotion as others have suggested. I don't see the dilemma.

The only dilemma I see here is how important this relationship is to you. If you're truly struggling about putting your love for a friend before your 'personal economic morals', if you will, perhaps you should choose your friends more wisely in the future.

Life's too short for such nonsense. Really. The length of this thread should be proof enough of that.

How sad.

All of my friends and family that have had a second child have had showers as well. I believe its up to whomever is willing to throw the shower. I'm sure your friend received all the ordinary baby gifts for her first and diapers are what she know she'll really need. Just don't go if you're too morally against it.

I find it interesting that some of you are proclaiming Lydia to be judgmental when that is exactly what so many of YOU all are doing to her! We are all judgmental, to some degree, are we not? Gee, give the girl a break!

I personally do not know the "rule" for throwing multiple showers but I seriously doubt the mother is hosting it for herself. Now, I think that WOULD be tacky. Yes, that is judging.
But I live in a college town that is FULL of young parents, some with multiple children being born while in college. Having that many showers to attend can be straining, especially financially. So there is a "norm" for this geographic area which is to throw a shower for the first child, OR the 2nd child if it's a different gender or if you live in a new neighborhood with new friends who were not able to celebrate with the first child, OR for any numbered child for one who never had a shower thrown for any of her previous child, OR for an international student who has never experienced this cultural phenomenon or who does not have their parents nearby to help gather practical (or just cute) items for their new baby. It's a cultural thing here. I think it depends on your region.
Does it make you feel guilty or morally imposed upon that you are asked to support the disposable diaper industry when you yourself do not agree with the system? I would not want to buy a friend an alcoholic beverage, for instance, for a celebration because I do not condone drinking. However, that would not prevent me from showing up to her celebration, to honor her.
I agree with the other comments that another gift, that you know she would use and not waste, would still be appreciated and helpful. And besides, IF she is a good enough friend, wouldn't she KNOW that you don't use disposables and she might find it kind or thoughtful of you to bring her another gift, one that is more personal to you and to her! or don't bring anything at all! There is nothing wrong with that either! I would hate for a friend of mine not to show up bcse she felt guilty about coming empty handed. Like others have said, it's a celebration, an excuse and reason to get together and enjoy one another's company and the joy of bringing a new person to this life.
But If you feel too uncomfortable with the whole idea, however, go over later with a kind card and meal (that you know she likes, or that she knows you're great at creating!) and celebrate with her individually.

I hope you don't go, you'll be such a drag. And I hope I don't have any friends like you.

As for second showers. My son is just turning two and we've moved across the country multiple times in his life. We've given away/sold/only borrowed in the first place a large percentage of our baby stuff. When we have a second, regarless of gender, we'll need stuff again. However, this time I'll know that we really don't need most of that stuff they sell. My point is that everyone has different circumstances and a blanket policy of "no second showers" just seems silly to me. Oh and for the record, my MIL firmly believes in second showers and there is no way I'd be able to stop her from throwing one. I think that's how a lot of people's friends and families are, people like to throw parties.

Dear Lydia,

I completely agree with you!

According to etiquette, one should not be 'showered' for second, third, fourth babies. The reason behind this is that it appears selfish and as a 'gift bid'.

Sadly, many people do not think about the fact that etiquette is for a reason. To me nothing is tackier than people having their own showers hosting them in their own homes!

I believe that the other people's comments regarding celebrating the other children are valid, but what about giving a lovely gift once the baby is born?! There are other ways to celebrate babies.

It is also very tacky to say 'in lieu of gifts', afterall the diapers would be a gift.

Personally, if you feel so strongly, I wouldn't attend the event. Once the baby is born, you can visit and be supportive with a gift that you feel is appropriate.

Don't worry YakkoDot, I've never seen Eeka's comments fall into the "glass half full" category. Sometimes it seems he/she just likes pressing buttons for the possible response!

I think having a shower for a second, third fifteenth kids, is perfectly acceptable! Perhaps it is because I AM a second child, and why should a second kid be stuck with hand-me-downs from day one? How horrible is that? I am all about reusing and recycling, but a new life should get some new things.

However, I am more likely to buy a picture book that I love, and write a lil' personal note in it. I wouldn't want to bring disposable diapers either. If you have a probably with it, just say no.

I think a shower, especially something quite practical like a diaper shower, is perfect for a second or later baby.

I would go, I would take what was requested, and I would have a blast. If you are morally offended, then keep it politely to yourself, reply that you are unable to attend, and give whatever you would have given had the shower never happened--a meal for the freezer? a book?

(Oh, and I'm a cloth diaper-er as well, but I do not expect that or any other personal preference to be a requirement of being my friend).

Lydia, you don't sound like your value your friendship with the person having the baby. Why go at all? Send a card and a gift card or something and call it a day.

You said so yourself that they don' t have time to do a diaper service. Also, why would you post this on a website? I would be so hurt if my "friend" did that.

You should stay home and ponder the immense difference between moral choices and simple opinions.

When you are invited to someone's event you are invited into their world. If they are your friend you accept them and their world.

I routinely join my friends for Hannukah and my Islamic friends for their holidays even though I don't share their religion.

Lydia, I agree with everyone else. Stay home.

First borns aren't the only ones who should be celebrated, and even if the children are close together and the same gender, not EVERYTHING (think diaper wipes, shampoos & lotions, etc) can be used twice.
They asked for diapers in lieu of gifts because they clearly acknowledge that they don't need a lot of new 'stuff' for baby #2, but know people will still get stuff for them and ask "What do you want?" so that covers it.

Its not saying "Don't come if you won't bring a pack of huggies" its saying "PLEASE DON'T buy us another bottle drying rack/diaper genie/silver rattle/useless junk/etc etc"

First of all celebrating one child and not another one if just weird. Secondly, people ask for specific gifts all the time, it's called a registry. Disposable, biodegradable, chlorine free, Earth Friendly diapers exist. And lastly, I hope you have more important moral issues then whether or no to attend your friends baby shower because you don't want her to have a baby shower for her second child. You don't get to decide. If she is your friend, suck it up, be nice and bring the most Earth Friendly disposable diapers you can find.