The other day I followed a conversation on Twitter: a reader had done a victory dance after this post was published because it validated the argument she'd been having with her husband to do something similar in their home. He wasn't convinced. Apartment Therapy as marriage mediator? Here are some tips for finding decorating accord.
- Find common ground: In any situation where you're sharing living quarters with someone else, start with the places where you both agree and then work from there. Maybe you both want a big comfy sectional for the living room and white walls or perhaps there's a beautiful ottoman you lugged home from your honeymoon. Start with the things you both agree on — whether it's color, the feeling you want in a room, how you'll use the room or one piece you both love and then add in the other items.
- Divide responsibilities: Sometimes dividing up the work is the best way. For example, let one person pick the wall color while the other person picks the couch. Don't discard anything either person loves. You may hate his favorite armchair but, once it's recovered, it may very well work with the other elements in a room. Remember, you're both living in this space and it should reflect both of your likes and needs.
- See contrast as a virtue: Hard and soft, feminine and masculine, florals and leather are actually contrasts that work well to strengthen each other and are more interesting because they're unexpected. The floral pillows may soften the hard lines of the strong leather couch and make it look more inviting.
- Begin by virtually decorating: Avoid arguments by starting with a wishlist or inspiration board and a mission statement for each room. Cull pictures from magazines, websites and catalogs of pieces you each like. Find adjectives that describe the look you're going for.
- Divide and conquer: If you have enough space, designate areas that you can each decorate alone; his office or her crafting room.
- When all else fails, hire a third party: If things start to escalate into argument, it might be time to hire a decorator who can listen to the needs of both individuals and come up with a solution that looks at the big picture and incorporate elements that will please both parties.
Do you live with someone? How did you solve your decorating differences?
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Also: it's never the end of the world, there are more important things in life than decorating. At the end of the day, everyone must realize this!
This needs to a Cure series. Seriously.
i've been changing my mind weekly on the layout, color and design of our small apt.
it's driving my husband nuts. so lately, i've found pieces i liked on craigslist or other sites, printed them and cut them out.
last night, actually, i laid them all out in front of him. we chose a design that we could both agree on visually, and decided on pieces by what we agreed would look best in the space.
crisis averted!
My husband loves a modern, minimalist style. I prefer lots of color and texture (especially natural wood). We both love tropical, Caribbean-style decor. We haven't done much in our new house yet, but a friend of ours built us a gorgeous bed that perfectly combines both our styles:
http://gringationcancun.wordpress.com/2010/08/21/our-beautiful-custom-made-bed/
I hope everything in the house turns out this nice!
My "domestic partner" and I decorated our new house together. He had total responsibility for his room, his home theater and his office, I had total responsibility for my room, and the rest of the place we discussed. He wanted dark red for the theater (his hobby and the reason we built a house at all!), and he wanted pumpkin orange for the adjacent family room and the hall and stair well leading to the area. I had misgivings, but said OK -- then worked to find decor I liked to complement the color. So we got blue and white IKEA drapes and a blue IKEA sleep sofa, which look amazingly good with the orange walls and white trim. Most of the rest of the house is pretty neutral, in colors we both agreed on. Each new piece of furniture we discussed -- most decisions were pragmatic: we need a good sized coffee table with drawers for storage and a shelf -- so we looked until we found one we liked. I'm a librarian, and I took charge of our collected books, but we discussed how we wanted to access them together, we chose the drapery together, we made our decisions as a team.
Of course this happened after years of him sitting in when I watched decorating shows on HGTV -- prior to which he loved white walls and recliner chairs! In other words, he bacame more educated about design and more interested in making his huge investment of a new home attractive.
good tips!
also: if one person does not have design know-how, the other should not use terms like, "modern," or "contemporary," or really any adjectives, without explanation of what that word means to them. ambiguous adjectives can be taken too many different ways.
and: i've found my husband needs to SEE things to understand the look it'll create. so along with the picture of the couch i want, i'll show him a picture of a similarly styled living room w/ a similar couch, so he can see the whole look.
i think for some, it is a matter of lack of knowledge or design know-how that keeps their styles from melding. for instance, my husband likes comfort above anything else, so he'd make snap judgments by looking at a couch or chair, without even sitting in them! instead of getting frustrated, i just led him through the process, explaining how modern lines of a sofa don't mean it'll necessarily be uncomfortable on the cushions.
he hates anything that looks remotely like tchotchkes, so i compromised by putting my pottery collection on high shelves where it didn't get in the way of daily living.
i'm the designer in our house, but i want the space to feel like "us", not "me" so i was very careful to walk him through the process + check in on all big pieces.
We never agree on artwork, so i hang whatever i like up and he's to lazy to take it down!
The longer me and him stay together, it seems to be more my style as long as I let him have all the insane electronics he wants.
After nearly 4 years with two gutted bathrooms, my rule is "don't start anything until you have a plan".
My other rule is that if you don't contribute to the decision(s), don't complain.
A cure might work... but what if the SO simply doesn't want to spend $$ or put in the sweat equity? For me, moving forward required threatening divorce!
I had cultivated a home style that took my three years to develop. I took a hard look at my inherited furnishings and sold 90% of them and started over. Then I got married again. My husband has excellent taste, but our home styles are very different. I started to study what he likes and learned that great style and design can incorporate anything --- antique pieces with minimalist pieces, modern with baroque, asian with western. Magic happens with contrast!
So now my bombe chest and persion rugs and pot-belly brass lamp are living with a leather sofa, modern abstract art, and ... taxidermy! Guess what? it's gorgeous, and it wouldn't have happened without him. :-)
And then there's knowing when to just give up.
I suspect I'd wind up in a situation like lazy_lurker's if we tried a major remodel; my honey procrastinates WAY too much for me to rely on him to get things done. I'd have to make the plan with him, then go off and get it done myself.
We've been really lucky in the adjusting-to-living-together department and that includes decorating. I find that I start thinking that something should be changed, comment on it to him, and he usually has been thinking the same thing.
usually my husband leaves the home decor and design to me, but i still ask for his opinion. so as not to make our tiny place girly-girly, i tried the modern glamour / modern scandi design, with masculine colors (blue-green accent wall, modern painting, blue-green curtains) and clean lines but laced with feminine touches (zebra-print rug, some curved furniture, flowers, gold-orangey damask pillows). it's a challenge, but a fun challenge to incorporate bother masculine and feminine at home!
We have a picture (or poster) of David Bowie in almost every room. My boyfriend loves Bowie and I think it makes him feel good and comfortable in the space knowing thats "his thing." When we have differences in decorating we usually divide it up. He picks one thing, I do another. Its perfect!
I think some partners are a lot easier to work with than others.
My boyfriend and I divide, but the decision is never final. We pick 3-5 options each, hand over the list to the non-picker, who then chooses whichever they like the best. It's worked out well so far.
Truer words have never been spoken home body.
:)
It's reassuring to read that some other couples have had home decorating disagreements similar to those my husband and I have had--I used to wonder. Thanks for the practical conflict resolution strategies, too.
I'm picturing the "deer-in-the-headlights" look on my husband's face if I were to recommend that we develop a "mission statement" for each room.
@ lisa hunter- yep.
and heteronormative. AT, your audience is an urban design crowd, and yet you have more "he & she" than a cosmo. when will you realize how many queer readers you have and how often you exclude them?