This post makes me want to SCREAM. I once bought the idea that if earns more, and I do more housework, that's a fair arrangement. But he gets paid in actual MONEY, while I get paid in "oh this is tasty, honey" and "why isn't there any toothpaste?" Money is real; compliments (and complaints) are air. And when you have kids---I'm not even going to start that. Don't need to, do I? So when we got married, I insisted that ALL income is OUR income. ALL OF IT. Some of my friends found this retro. I found the other arrangement was turning me into a servant.

I'm screaming too. Work is work and his casually mentioning that he "pays for more" would have me reconsidering that future hubby status. Should a FT teacher do more housework because she makes less than her FT accountant partner? Should a FT social worker do all the cooking and cleaning because he earns less money that his lawyer partner? The value of our work can't be measured by income.

DH works outside the home. After a decade of marriage I stopped working outside the home and became a FT homemaker (not a FT mom ~ all parents, whether they work outside the home or not, are FT parents). His income is our income, and the state of California agrees with that. I may do more cooking, more tidying, and more of the little day-to-day homemaking, and certainly more of the childcare, but he doesn't get a free pass when he gets home just because he earns more money than I do. We clean the house together (all four of us now), and I love his attitude about it: "Housework sucks, and you shouldn't have to do it all by yourself just because society doesn't value the job you do at an at-home parent."

I do the lion's share of the housework because I am bothered if the house isn't ship-shape whereas he just doesn't get worked up about a gunky sink, a crumby floor, a streaky window, or a cluttered space. He is fanatical about doing the dishes though, which is great because I loathe dishes.
Is that the case for anyone else?

i work full-time, make 3 times more and still do the majority of the housework. He works part-time (10 hours on weekend nights at a bar), plus goes to school full-time. I know things aren't even or fair...but what do you do?

I have a feeling this post is about to get major feedback...

Ahh, the slippery slope: if the value of our work can't be measured by income, what happens to "equal pay for equal work" when you get to the workplace?

I got divorced over this issue (and others in all fairness). I worked full time, went to school, cleaned, did laundry, and cooked two meals a day while he worked one full-time job and rarely did anything besides pair socks and put the clothes away. Marriage is a partnership, no one deserved to be taken for granted.

If you're spending this much time keeping score, you're not doing it right.

Yeah. Right now, my husband earns more money than I do, because I'm back in school slogging away toward a master's degree, but two years ago, our situation was exactly reversed. It doesn't really make sense to me that we should trade off doing the housework according to who is making more money at any given time. To me, it makes far more sense to accept that our respective financial contributions to our household are going to vary over time, and work out allocations of the housework that let both of us have time to relax at home.

(And we wash up the kitchen together every night.)

I'm sorry, if a man isn't willing to make his money our money, I doubt he's willing to make his life our life. I couldn't live with that.

I expect that there are bigger issues at hand than the division of labor- And "casually" mentioning that "he pays more" is rather unenlightened, especially if you agreed to the arrangement before you moved in together. Harrumph- he should be ashamed.

Have you asked him to do more? If I ask for something to be done because I don't want to or can't do it, it gets done eventually. If I want it done my way, to my standard or in my timeframe, I do it myself. While I both carry the load of housework and bring in the primary income to the family (albeit at significantly fewer hours), it is because my standard is higher, and the dude can live with things being a bit messier (and my standards are low) and I tend to want things done immediately. We finally started paying someone to come in every 3 weeks and do the heavy cleaning. Worth every penny and probably will save us some money in marriage counseling in the future.

The division of household tasks (and that includes knowing when Dr's appointments are, knowing when family birthdays are, and all those things that you keep in your head, but your partner may be clueless about), if not mutually agreed upon, can be a relationship killer. It brings up all kinds of issues with equity in the relationship, valuing one another, and for heterosexual couples, gender politics (I'm sure gay couples have issues with this too). If you let your discontent with the situation fester, it will not be good for the marriage.

Figure out what works for you, and if it ends up that you do all the housework and you're fine with it, don't be ashamed or feel like a bad feminist, at least you came to that point consciously.

Missed.Congeniality hit the nail on the head.

I agree with CMCINNYC. I got divorced because I was bringing the dough AND doing all the housework because, well, it's "unmanly" to serve coffee to our guests after dinner kind of reasoning. That marriage lasted 18 months. I got married a year later and insisted that all money is OUR money and all housework is OUR housework. There's no "my" either money or housework, whatever the money each of us brings in.
Fast forward 16 years and 3 kids later, I'm home caring for our youngest son, homeschooling him because of his health problems. I make less than 10K a year, he brings home 9 times that amount. There is no question, mention or even the slightliest hint at me doing more housework because I'm home and he's out at the office 5 days a week. I'm not an employee, I'm not a slave, I'm his spouse.

A household can't be run like a company, a corporation. Money doesn't count when it comes sharing the work homemaking generates. What counts is everybody's comfort and mutual respects among of all the people sharing the household.

"old fashion": are we talking fashion or home-dec trends or family?

Just my opinion here but I think those women who just wouldn't touch home making with a 10 foot pole might have a bad case of misplaced pride. And those men who think "the wife" has to do more work at home because she makes less money should be forced to pay their wife for the work she does, a salary, so they appreciate fully the value of the arrangement.

Our husband and I only have "our money", there is no his or hers. However, I do essentially all of the housework even though I work much longer hours (45-50 compared to his 40) and much make more money and it's for a very simple reason: my husband doesn't care about the state of our home. We are trying to change that and start sharing things a bit more equally, but it's very difficult to do when you both have such different standards.

We each do what we like to do, and the rest of the stuff (which neither of us likes) ends up getting split, unofficially. None of it gets counted or measured. Probably lessons learned from unsuccessful first marriages.

I have this problem but not exactly the same. Until a few weeks ago my boyfriend was unemployed but went to school and I work Monday through Friday and go to school full time but I end up doing mostly all the cleaning except we're pretty good about rotating on dishes. But I do all the laundry, pick up the house constantly, do mostly all the sweeping and that's a lot because we have all hardwood floors and four cats and a dog! My biggest problem is that we live with two roommates who are friends of my boyfriend. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with boys who are complete slobs and don't care at all how dirty the house is? We tried making a daily schedule of who cleans what but majority of the time they don't even do it! I am beyond frustrated because I can't live like this and the other boys don't even go to school they just work and come home and then play video games the whole night. Does anyone know how to stop this laziness? I feel like all of their mothers and it's driving me nuts!

So what if I make more than my husband working 40 hours a week while he works 70+? Not that i don't get totally frustrated by the fact that the house work falls on me, i totally DO. But frankly, for us, it comes down to time and availability not who makes more.

And I agree with Miss.Congeniality- if you spend this much time keeping score, you have bigger issues.

I kind of think your future husband mentioning that he pays for more is kind of outrageous. But, I do think whoever has more time should do more housework. When my husband was still in school and I was working, I made 100% more than him. But he was just as busy, if not more so, than I was and I certainly did not expect him to do 100% of the housework. Now he makes twice what I make and we've thrown 2 kids into the mix and I'd say the housework is spilt evenly. Whoever makes it home first better get dinner started, because those kids come home hungry. And whoever did not make the dinner better do the dishes. Each of us bathes one kid and we alternate taking the dog out. And I realize this isn't an option for everyone, but we pay someone to clean our house every other week because neither of us have time for that. I'm really surprised and saddened to read that some of you are still stuck doing more than your fair share of housework. Marriage is a partnership and, especially once you have kids, each partner should just be doing what needs to be done to make things run smoothly.

Great post.

I think the best way to messure fairness in the home is in regard to "free time." Regardless of how much money each partner makes and what chores they do, if each has about the same amount of time to just chill or do a personal hobby, then things are ok. I make a lot more $ than my husband now, but because we each spend about the same number of hours each day working and doing chores, I regard our contributions as equal.

I'm single. I would feel like I won the lottery if I found a spouse willing to be my cook, chauffeur, gardener, and housekeeper while I was only tasked with putting food on the table and being grateful for my good fortune.

I have a somewhat similar situation - I'm working part time, in school full time, living with my partner and doing the very great majority of the housework (or "homemaking" as I prefer to call it). It's a funny thing - I think this concept is tied very tightly to "feminism" and what it has meant to play the traditionally female role of the relationship: lots of work, not a lot of recognition. It is a job that is noticed only when it is NOT done and entitlement (by the recipient) is often an outcome. BUT, to do the job and say "I DID THIS!!" or to do it in front of everyone just ruins it all - like showing Peter Pan's ropes on stage. Liberaci said "I don't give concerts, I put on a show." This is tough because it requires a great actor and an engaged audience (who respects the art) - the combination is not always going to be just right. I got lucky with (and was discrening in my search for) a great partner and a shewd disposition, but there are still very frustrating moments. C'est la vie.

Famous Amos- It is exactly the same for us! I do the lion's share of the "woman's work" not because I'm a woman- but because it BOTHERS me, and it doesn't bother my husband. He is perfectly content to sit with his remote after a workday (we both work full-time outside of home), but I get the jitters and can't sit still until I've wiped up dirty footprints, scrubbed the stove, and put away laundry.

To be fair, my husband helps with whatever I ask him to. Mind you he doesn't VOLUNTEER, and sometimes I get the bewildered "but I just did that yesterday!" - but I can live with that:)

I'm a teacher, he's an astrophysicist. We both went to grad school and have had times of "do we want to buy deoderant or shampoo this week 'cause we can't afford both" and also times of 6-figure income. If you make it about the money you make yourself crazy, ladies, because the sad statistical truth is that we still don't get paid equivalent income for doing the same jobs. Making your income your self-worth is not a happy thing.
We decided not to make it about money, but rather, number of hours worked. Get yourself a mutual online calendar (we used the cloud and iCal) and log in how you spend your day. It will be VERY clear visually whether or not the workload is even by the end of the first week. If it's not even, sit down and plan out the sched for next week together so it is even. If he doesn't come through, you sit down and have a frank conversation about how it's not 1950. If he still doesn't come through, ask yourself if you want to go through life with a partner who doesn't understand what the word "partner" means.

Now, now, everybody. You don't know much about my situation based on this post that I wrote, and it was actually meant to be somewhat lighthearted. Fail on my part! It is an interesting conversation here, but I think it's a bit presumptuous to comment on my relationship "issues" based on such scant information. People handle their finances differently for all sorts of reasons. We happen to keep ours separate. My friend suggested I "keep score" briefly to get a better sense of my contributions to the household. Please please please continue to comment, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't jump to conclusions about my relationship!

I'm a tenured professor and a mother. Being on the tenure-track is stressful and time-consuming, but it is also extremely flexible. If you read the literature on work-life balance in academia, mother-professors are often saddled with work and child-care because of the flexible schedule, while father-professors are often given a pass because researching, writing, and teaching are stressful and time consuming.

Oh, and yes: He will and does do more if I ask him. He definitely has "chores." I just happen to do most of the housework. But enough about me -- what about you?

I do nearly all of the housework and yard work because although our financial contributions are about the same I have a lot more time at home to get it done, and I am the one with particular standards. I do have specific requests - squeegee the shower every time, put everything away in the bathroom before you leave in the morning, and if you are cooking something to take to work clean up after it - if I don't get to eat it I won't clean up after it. It works out OK but I do find myself getting pissy if there is no effort to pick up after herself I don't want to nag about things that should be obvious. Housework provides everyone in the house with a pleasing restorative environment and it should be more appreciated.

@Katethemonty: THANK YOU. That is really good advice. I would say our workloads probably balance out most of the time, and he is really understanding when I can't keep up with the housework because I have deadlines. But yeah, the making less money part and trying to contribute equally can be a little rough on the self-esteem. We're definitely trying to figure out a system (or whatever you want to call it; I'm sure it becomes more organic over time) that works for both of us.

I consider myself lucky. Both my BF and I love to cook and split that and most of the cleaning pretty evenly. However, I tend to pick up more of it just because I want the place to be clean all of the time and he doesn't tend to think about it until I mention it. My ex was the opposite. Most of the time we were together we made about the same, worked about the same hours, but he passively aggressively refused to lift a finger. At all. Totally useless. 'Video games are fun. Cleaning is not. Why would I clean?' A major part of why we are no longer together, and really never should have been to begin with.

@goveg

you are in the exact same situation i was in for two years. i lived with my boyfriend and his two friends. and also a friend of a friend who slept on my couch for nine months and would turn my heat up to 90+ degrees when we were sleeping...but besides that. when it came to chores i didn't expect much. i did the dishes because if anyone else did they would still be dirty. my one roommate was very clean so that kind of helped but my other roommate would come home at three a.m. drunk and hungry and cook a three course meal. so i would get on him when he woke up. i would ask that he clean his mess/take out the garbage etc. and when that didn't work i would yell (which i am not recommending) and still nothing would get done. but by the next day he would do it because he knew i was irked and he knew he was at fault. basically, boys will be boys, just harp on them like you are their mother. or another option is to go on strike. do nothing. i did that once. worked miracles. eventually they will get sick of hair in the sink, the molding dishes, pizzas boxes strewn about, and realize they can't even play their video games without carrying a can of febreze with them. i know it takes a lot on your part because it's disgusting to walk around a dirty house but if you work and go to school full-time it sounds like you won't be there that much anyway, just keep your bedroom clean if it really is bothering you.

i hope your to be husband was just joking otherwise i'd make sure he'll stay a "to be".
anyway, i have a small photography business that takes up a few hours a week (sometimes days depending on how busy).
the rest of the time i'm a stay at home mom with two toddlers. my husband works a lot but he still manages to help especially with the laundry and sometimes dishes. usually i cook, and i deep clean the house, go shopping for food, entertain the kids and so on. it works great for us but i HATE when people make it sound like that's "womans-work" cause it's not. i have two boys and you wanna bet they'll help me dust, do dishes and laundry ... if i ever have a girl she'll do all the same things as the boys. including helping with handi house repairs! ;)
eventually they all move out and have to do ALL of the above themselves weather woman or man.

Two things:

1) Equal housework does not have to mean doing the same chores. Since my husband is an electrical engineer, when something wonky goes on with the house's wiring, he tackles it, not me. I grew up gardening since I could walk, so when the bushes need pruning, I do it. They're not even remotely the same task, but we tackle what we're familiar with for those odd tasks. In my opinion, regular chores don't have to be divided equally in order to be equal in maintaining the home.

2) We figured out housework based on how much of the day each person was physically in the house during waking hours. Since I'm home all the time, I do most chores. When I worked full-time, but a good 20 hours less per week than my husband, we split the housework somewhat evenly. It's never been about money, just about time.

@Missed.Congeniality i agree. we share. i dont care if i have to do more house work than him sometimes. we both work at banks and have the exact same schedules.. some weeks he does more, some i do. just depends. it all evens out in the long run.

now, if he helped with nothing, i'd be re thinking a lot of things!

I earn double what my husband does, and do nearly all the housework/cooking. We do not have kids yet. I have a salaried desk job that is strictly 9-5, my husband owns his own small business and regulary works 10 or more hour days, getting home around 9:30pm.

I don't view it as me contributing financially, mostly because if I did it would drive me nuts at the idea that I not only pay the mortgage but do the housework as well. I look at it as this: I get home and get to have some me time, I cook when I want and he is always appreciative at being fed a nice meal. I have the time to clean during the week, so I do it if the mess bothers me, however he NEVER tells me to clean. I have a lower tolerance for messy space than he does, so I tend to clean to make myself feel better. We each do our own laundry seperately. When something breaks in the house or on my car, he fixes it and I don't pay for it. When there's a huge brown spider to be dealt with, he kills it. When our 2 acre lawn needs mowed, he mows it. When the gutters need cleaned he does it (and it's disgusting). I appreciate all of these things, and I hope he appreciates what I do as well.

I guess there is a lot of give and take, and the most important thing is to communicate your thoughts on the situation if you are unhappy with it. If I was Ms. Stephens I would politely present a quote from the local maid service for weekly house cleaning and ask the fiance if he likes saving that much money every month.

Division of finances & homemaking are tricky.
I just got married (though we lived together before). Prior to our marriage all finances were separate, but we contributed equally to all expenses (by % of total income) & house work - we both work full time so we had the same amount of time to do house work. We got married & combined our money, but homemaking hasn't changed much.
It's striking a balance for all parties and doing what you feel more comfortable with. I hate dishes so he does them, but he hates vacuuming & cleaning the bathroom- so I do those. Also if someone happens to end up doing more work we always try to make them feel like their work is valued & appreciated so they don't begrudge being stuck doing it.That's worked for us so far. I thought the article below was interesting as far as finances go.
http://www.engagedmarriage.com/finances-careers/should-married-couples-have-joint-or-separate-bank-accounts

It seems fair to adjust the contribution to housework based on the numbers of hours of other work each person has (so that the total number of work hours is similar), but not based on income! What if one person works 50 hour weeks at a non-profit and the other works part time but makes a huge hourly wage? My observations of other couples and of my own relationship makes me believe really strongly that all income should be considered shared family money. Our worth should not be determined by our earning power, especially in family relationships!

*getting stuck doing it

I got tired of nagging my live in gf to clean up after herself all the time to the point where the mess was driving me up the wall. We tried splitting the chores in half but her half would never get done and it would cause constant friction. So I ended up hiring a house cleaner that I pay for along with the entire mortgage. I guess I'm the sucker here =/

Sorry to disagree with the majority here but cleaning the house isn't a job. If you're a staying at home b/c childcare is more money than you make, then that's totally understandable. Otherwise go to work. Not everything is about money. But a lot of things are.

I don't work, so the vast majority of housework falls to me. However, when I did work and my husband did not work, the vast majority of the housework still fell on me. When we both worked...yep, the majority of housework fell on me. I've tried everything to equalize this arrangement but somehow it stubbornly sticks to the traditional gender rolls. Yes, it's frustrating and yes, I resent it. It has made me think long and hard about the value of my time, and the value of our marriage. But I think the issue is larger than my own personal happiness. And I honestly don't know what to do about it. Personally, or politically.

@GNP: I totally get what you are saying and, on a certian level, I agree. Homemaking really shouldn't be taken so harshly on financial lines. However, if you are paying someone else to clean your house for you, then it obviously is a job.

I'm cringing reading this.

I'll refrain from jumping to conclusions on your relationship as you requested - which is odd since you posted it for everyone to comment on - but I think you should go back to your childhood opinion on "women's work".

Since both partners eat, wear clothes, and use the bathroom, it seems to me that the household chores attached to these activities need to be shared EQUALLY.
Trade-offs and compromises are an ongoing part of any successful relationship, so the details of who does what, when,can certainly be altered according to work schedules, etc.
But the responsibility for taking care of the day-to-day cannot just fall to the partner with the higher cleaning standard, because this in innately unfair.

@rocketscientist: I'm comfortable with people discussing the subject of dividing and valuing housework -- which was the point of my post, though obviously there's lots else to comment on -- but I think it's a bit of a leap to suggest that perhaps I shouldn't get married or that my husband-to-be is a jerk (anyway, everyone's a jerk occasionally). I'm sure there are some lucky couples out there who don't have any issues. I'm just trying to sort mine out the best I know how!

Also, I know LOTS more women who handle most of the homemaking than couples who share everything equally. To those of you who do: I'm glad you are out there to enlighten us!

@Takife, its not a job in the sense that when i'm doing chores, whether its dishes or cleaning the toilet, I don't expect for someone to go and give me a check or give me cash money. I'm doing it b/c they're chores that need to be done. If you think staying home all day cooking and cleaning is a "job," then maybe its time to go get a career. Nobody is saying its effortless but just because I come home after working 8-6 and spend 3 hours fixing a leaky toilet, it doesnt make me a plumber and it doesn't mean i have another job now. Its just an every day chore you have to do.

If you're going house to house cleaning people's houses for money then yes cleaning is your job. If you're at home cleaning the house and making food...guess what...a ton of us do that..and we work full time.

And I don't even think that cooking/cleaning is a womans job since I'm a guy and have done both for many years when I lived alone and everyone should be responsible for it. I just don't get the mentality of "I cook and clean so I do a job! Where is ze money!"

I am doing a masters degree full time and work part time mainly on the weekend. My partner works full time (40hrs) mainly 9-5 Monday to Friday. He earns more then me, we are in our 20s. He does a big clean of the house on a Saturday while I'm at work. That mostly sees us through the week. I tidy up probably more often during the week as I'm often doing uni work at home so I have time. We alternate cooking whoever doesn't cook washes up. We bot do the washing as and when it needs doing.

Although we have separate accounts our money is our money. There has never been a sense of I earn more so I do less. When he did his masters I did more housework, we base it on who has more time. I have always felt that people who say "I don't notice it so I'm not doing it" is a bit of a lazy cop out, as things like the toilet simply do need to be cleaned regularly! I do think couples have got to do what works for them but I do find it hard to understand how that could be anything but feeling that things are in someway fair.

We both do laundry, grocery/household shopping and housework, but since I'm a germaphobe/clean freak, I do more. He takes care of things I don't want to (household repairs + improvements) and I cook, which he loathes doing. I do more on a daily basis, but I'm fine with that. If the toilet is leaking, he takes care of it right away and does a good job. We're both happy with the arrangement.

@GNP
"And I don't even think that cooking/cleaning is a womans job since I'm a guy and have done both for many years when I lived alone and everyone should be responsible for it."

You're awesome! :) That's really what it's about. Everyone should be responsible for it and if some one happens to do more- they should get some appreciation for it. If appreciation isn't enough, then maybe ya'll should consider hiring some one once a week or a month to clean & get over it.

My husband and I combined our finances once we got engaged. Seemed easier to pay bills using all "our" money instead of splitting it up or having separate and joint accounts. Not saying this is the best option for everyone, it just works best for us. My husband has always made more than me, but it all goes into the same pot. We split chores by preference or skill (I am terrible at vacuuming and he can't cook). I do tend to do more of the chores because I'm a take-charge person and handle all scheduling (doctor's appointments, etc.) because I'm the organized one. When I start to feel overwhelmed, my husband will either take care of things when I'm not home, or tell me to put things off until he can help. He doesn't always notice the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, but if I mention that I'm too exhausted to clean up said dishes...they will be taken care of while I'm told to go to bed :).

@Tafike: Several people have told me to hire someone to clean twice a month and a few of my friends said it really helped their relationships. I think that might be the simplest solution!

I lived for 9 years on my own or with a roommate before marrying and am quite content to cook and clean my house while working a full time job. My current living situation is no different than in the past. If I want the house to be clean while my husband could not care less either way, then I clean the house. If he wants to help me clean, even better, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to do it (he has way more free time than I do) or I'd be waiting forever. In doing the work myself, the house always looks how I want it and I always get to eat what I want. On the other hand, I don't care about raking or having a nicely manicured lawn, etc. but my husband does and he's more than happy to take care of it himself. We do help each other out in both cases (just because) and I don't think we've ever fought about house or yard work. Whatever works.

Oh, and if I could make 96 grand a year for house/yard work I should quit my job right now.... for some reason I don't think that's the going rate in Ohio.

Who makes more should absolutely not be an issue, but the person who has more time doing more around the house shouldn't be a problem. All work, whether it's at home or away, should be considered contributions to the running of the house, put in the pot and divided as needed. Keeping score leads to resentment.

this is such an important topic to be talking about! housework is work, and the time you choose to devote to it can have a huge economic impact on your life. we need to take care of our caregivers!
this is a really great book on the topic,
The Price of Motherhood by Ann Crittenden
http://www.anncrittenden.com/about.htm

Oh boy. Tricky topic.

In our home it has more to do with free time. Income levels should not be relevant, however when it comes to the crunch I guess you need a certain level of income, and if one person's career takes off, the other person seems to land in more of a 'support role'' by default, especially when kids are involved.

I am not entirely happy with the division of home economics in our home, but being a bit of a control freak, there are some areas I feel better taking ownership of, while my other half has other areas he feels more ownership of.

I just don't think you can put a fair dollar value on the work done in the home. All it does is makes us all feel like slaves or disgruntled with whichever partner appears to (or may in actuality) get off lightly.

Other people don't clean as well as I do...to my mind, anyway. ^_^ There's a lot of peace of mind and satisfaction that goes with knowing the dishes are put away in the right place so I can find them next time I need them, or that the floor was swept and mopped, so I don't have to worry about what I'm walking barefoot on. Some people are good at cleaning, others still have yet to learn. Your arrangement with whoever you live with - family, friends, or a romantic partner - is personal taste. What's important is that you each see the value in and are grateful for one another's efforts.

HOW ABOUT A CLEANING PERSON? A European friend said to me (when I was a poor grad student): You Americans are crazy thinking you need to do everything yourselves, that scrubbing your own toilet somehow makes you righteous, even when you're busy as hell and have FAR more important things to do, jah? So I scrimped and saved and hired her cleaning person -- and never looked back! Now, my partner & I both have jobs & 2 young kids & work on the big old house we live in, so we're busy. Once a week or every other week someone comes and scrubs the bathroom, the kitchen, vacuums, etc. -- and it removes SO much household stress from our relationship!

We still have to do laundry and dishes etc., but it helps TREMENDOUSLY - and what's left we divide on the basis of who has more time that week. It's also a good way to deal with one person having very different standards of cleanliness than the other. And it brings cleaning/housekeeping into the dollars-&-cents equation -- which could be a strategic move for couples who disagree on this stuff. It's also cheaper than therapy -- or divorce!

I'm not married yet, but I would be really upset it my husband ever made a comment that he "pays for more."

thoughts on hiring a clean person in a 2 bedroom apartment? i've thought about it as a joke in the past...but maybe it's something worth looking into. i think the first time a cleaner would show up, my neighbors would look at me like i was crazy. it's not a HUGE place, but 900sf with 3 cats and a husband can be a lot of work. especially (as stated before) that I work FT, he works PT and is in school FT.

I do most of the housework. Not because my husband isn't willing, but things don't "bother" him as much as they do me. I used to get so irritated that he wouldn't clean up certain things, but he just doesn't see it. It doesn't dawn on him that certain things could be done to tidy up. And, I'm famous for leaving my towels on the floor which irritates him. ha! At the end of the day, I realized that it's silly for me to get annoyed at him for not doing something that is bothering ME. If the kitchen needs a quick clean, I just do it myself. If the bathroom counter is looking grimy, I wipe it down. He never makes the bed, it doesn't bother him. I love to get into a bed at night that's made. I love the ritual of pulling down the covers and getting into bed. SO... I make the bed. It's that easy.

When it comes to major cleaning and organizing, that's my department. I LOVE to organize and get things working most efficiently. He's not great at that stuff. He will help me lift and move the heavy stuff, but I don't expect him to enjoy the organizing. It's my thing.

He takes the trash out. He likes to vacuum. He shares in the day to day workings of the home, but at the end of the day... a marriage is a partnership. Just as with any team, each person has their strengths and weaknesses. Each of us brings something to the table. Figure out what those are and run with it. Don't expect anyone else to do something that you are hung up about. Be an adult and do it yourself! :) It's not worth having the same argument day in and day out.

This all comes from a household with no children.... I'm sure there are so many other factors that will play into that scenario. And, you both had a hand in making those kids so you better help each other out! :)

This division of labor thing (men fix things / women do laundry), especially as it pertains to the day-to-day household cycle, is not truly a fair arrangement.

There's no real comparison between how many times meals are made/dishes cleaned versus how often the trash is taken out, or a household repair (leaks, electrical, etc.).
The cultural myths about housework are pervasive - it's always the happy woman using the Swiffer, unloading the dishwasher, or pleased tough stains came out in the laundry.

Your post explains your situation in its first few sentences. Boys are too often raised with fewer chores than girls. We are put in the situation of having to do more from the time when we're very young. They grow to expect it, and so do we.

The people informing you that "keeping score" means you're doing it wrong have been resigned to their role as suckers. Stand up for yourselves and try to make sure the housework gets divided fairly, people. Money doesn't even enter into it: You both have a finite number of minutes in your life, and that means your time is worth as much as your partner's.

I have been living with my spouse for 14 years, and the organization of home tasks and chores took some time to figure out. I don't think that it is a matter of who does what, but negotiating a system that works for you both. Finding your way in a relationship is all about negotiating and figuring out how to make things work.
We do our own laundry. It never made any sense for me when we moved in together that I would do his laundry, so I never did. However, I wash the sheets and towels because I like a freshly made bed and clean linens.
I cook he does the dishes. We both pick up after ourselves and keep the home tidy. I usually clean the bathroom and he vacuums. He does the litter boxes and cleans up after the cats. He takes care of the garden, takes out the trash. I do the grocery shopping and pay the bills.

When I was going to grad school full-time and working 3 part-time jobs, I stopped doing most of the household stuff (except laundry and bill-paying), because I simply didn't have time and I needed my "free" time for sleeping. For example, I stopped doing any grocery-shopping and meal preparation, and sometimes if you stop doing something, someone else will start doing it (in this case because my husband was hungry). Now that I have finished school, cooking and shopping have remained my husband's job. He has enough time and he proved he was quite capable, and I love everything he cooks.

To be perfectly honest with everybody, it does upset me a little when he brings up that he makes more. But I also have to remind myself that he is extremely rational (think "Bones") and does not realize that this stuff can be fraught with emotion. He's just stating a fact. And another fact is that because he makes more, I am able to live in a comfortable home and continue to work as a freelance writer, which isn't the most financially lucrative career for most of us. I've really enjoyed hearing everyone's opinion here, even those strong ones that stung a little. I'm new to sharing my life with a partner in this incredibly (and usually wonderfully) entangled way. It's great to have a forum to share opinions on all things related to home life!

Mostly we need to make sure we are teaching our sons and daughters the basics of taking care of themselves, their dwelling, their money, etc. so they will not be dependent on the willingness of others

It should upset that he brings up the salary differential, because it's hurtful and arrogant of him to point it out.

And don't use the "oh he's a male scientist, he isn't capable of emotions" argument. Both my DH and I are engineers and we don't do this kind of thing to each other.

With all due respect, AnnaMaria, this is why commenters are telling you to take a long, hard look at your relationship. At the very least, you need to communicate this with him and come to a resolution before getting married. Best wishes.

I agree with RocketScientist. And, I was guilty of being arrogant about being the one with the paycheck when I was working for a paycheck and he was working for a dissertation: something I regret still.

So when my then boyfriend and now husband and I moved in together, we made a deal. He cooked and I did dishes. We do our laundry separately and at the time we cleaned our own bathrooms. I tended to take on the rest of the household chores but I need things cleaner than he does.

We both have masters degrees as engineers and work full time. I do make more than him but I wish it was the other way around.

Fast forward 6+ years, 2 cats and 2 kids later, he still cooks and I do dishes. We each do our own laundry and take turns doing the household/kids laundry. He cleans bathrooms (he made the mistake of critizing my cleaning and thus he became in charge of it) but I scrub tubs and clean the floors. We rotate on vacuuming depending on who has time. I do most of the childcare. He does trash. We both do household repairs.

There are days when I really need him to do more but there are days when he surprises me with getting everything done without me evening asking. I tend to do more of the organizing and sorting because I need that in my life. My husband doesn't seem to be bothered if there is mail on the table or dirty kitchen towels on the stairs. It is a balance and kind of worked itself out on its own. I am very lucky that he does so much. I think if you can find the system that works for you and your spouse that is what is important.

AnnaMaria, this post is much like the ones concerning kids where a million people immediately bring up any and every safety concern. Your relationship is your relationship; you know what works and what you need to work on. I have no doubt that there are thousands of facets to your relationship that you did not bring up here and play a part in each of your levels of happiness and satisfaction.

Even the commenters who specifically stated that housework sharing played a factor in a break up admitted it wasn't the ONLY reason. Take all these commentors with a grain of salt, and maybe read Young House Love's post today about criticism.

Also agreeing largely with Rocket scientist up there. At the very least, the mention of the fact that the money he brings doesn't balance the housework you do indicate something wrong. I don't have any miracle solution (wish I did), because every couple seems to find its own equilibrium.

I tend to be a very gregarious girl, and since I haven't been working these last three years, the housework fell on me. Now that we have a son and a daughter on the way, my job has changed, and my husband helps a lot more. He understand my problems: caring for a child knows no vacation (nobody works seven days a week except stay-at-home moms), I have no intellectual stimulation (used to study philosophy) and almost no distraction of any kind. Yes, doing dishes and laundry and tidying things up isn't intellectual work, but it's hard because it's basically boring and exhausting. We manage for me to have at least two nights out by myself, with friends, and we go dancing together at least once a week, with a baby-sitter. When I'll get to pregnant to do laundry, we'll hire a cleaning person to help for a few weeks. I'm not ashamed to ask for help, as long as I keep doing the best I can.

The other day, while we were having diner, I got the best salary I could ever hope for. My husband said, out of the blue, looking at our son, that he was really happy that we decided that I would take care of our children, because our son was fantastic, well-bred (let's hear that more often) and really fun to be with, and that made him also happy to come home. While I know that this is only one of many praises that a woman may aspire to, this made my day and I realized that after 8 years together, we had come to a good understanding of each other's work value.

Anyway, good luck on figuring out your own equilibrium ! It may take some time, but try to make it less about numbers. I thought that some of the comments were really great and gave sound advices.

Interesting post-- My husband (student) and I (freelancer) try to take it by the semester; when he has a busy semester, I do more cores and when I teach or have a lot of jobs coming in, he does more cores. Right now I do most of it, I actually enjoy it. Deep down I'm such a homemaker and use 'my turn' to do some additional redecorating/thorough cleaning. (:
We don't have a large income and make ends meet by being thrifty and getting the most out of life on a budget-- and we love it! We save money on things others pay folk to do, like cleaning, travel, finances, design work etc. Therefore to me those are considered 'jobs'... we save MONEY taking care of these ourselves. We didn't really choose to live like this, but is really starting to grow on us; we work to live, not live to work!
I do have to say that earning some money myself does help as some of the posts above discuss. You contribute to a good life in many ways; part of ours right now is to DIY!

OK, someone on Twitter just posted that it gives them the creeps that I like it when my man is relaxed when he comes home. Just to clarify, I'm not some Stepford Wife! He has a really tough job, especially right now as he's relatively new and has to prove himself while funding is nearly nonexistent, and I see it my role -- as his PARTNER -- to help him, at this particular moment in time, to come home to a relaxing environment. I can't take pride in making my house a welcoming place? So, OK, note to self: Don't bring up honest topics if you can't handle scorn and belittlement. I appreciate all your advice, but will definitely steer clear of such subjects in the future. I feel like a total jerk!

I perform all the housework. While I'm unemployed and off for a few semesters, my boyfriend works and attends school full time. I also proof his papers, handle appointments for him, feed and put him to bed on a somewhat consistent schedule, and ensure that he takes time out from his 16-18 hour days to unwind with friends or video games. Would he do the same for me if our situations were reversed? Probably not. That's not who we are as individuals. I'd probably do most of the cleaning anyway because I'm a neat freak and he's a total slob. He doesn't cook but he makes a mean PBJ with veggie sticks, and he'll grocery shop if I hand him a very specific list. On the other hand, most of his meager disposable income is going into savings so that I can go back to school next fall. His attitude is that it's an investment in our future and, even if we split up somewhere down the line, he'll get his money's worth by (almost) never having to do his own laundry for the duration of our relationship. We both love that our house tends to be where friends gather because it's always clean and stocked for impromptu guests. And, most importantly, I covet his infinitesimal spare time and refuse to share any of it with the vacuum.

That will change as our life together changes and we'll cross that bridge. There's no single solution to division of housework/income, except maybe honest and constructive communication about the resentment created when someone finds it unfair. Ultimately, I don't believe it should be viewed on a scale of equal time/money contribution but on a scale of happiness derived. If I am happy with our division of responsibilities and our mutual valuation of each other's contribution and my partner is not (or vice versa), then something needs to change.

Cleaning service. Best invention ever. As someone said above, it monetizes some tasks (taking questions of emotion, gender roles and your relationship, etc out of the picture), will free up time for both of you.

I hired a service when I lived alone in a tiny apartment, continued it in a bigger apartment with roomies (ending the vast majority of roommate conflicts) and continued when I bought a home, got married, got more pets, had a child, etc.

It isn't that expensive (at least in my neck of the woods). Our service is locally owned/operated by a mother/son team (yep, a burly 20 year old guy cleans my toilet) and uses organic products. And because it's their job, they have the best tools and techniques and they aren't emotional about anything (their gaze doesn't linger on any photos, etc). They just get stuff done way more quickly and efficiently than I do.

Also, our home is simply designed to be cleaned. Even if we have to do it, it doesn't take long. I'm always amazed at how people create work for themselves, then complain about how much they have to do (I'm not saying this is the OP's case - she doesn't sound like she's making more work for herself than she needs to, but I see it a lot on this site).

I don't do vignettes. They look lovely in photos, but they are a dusting nightmare. Our shoes come off at the door (guests and grandma can keep them on). Laundry hampers have many compartments so clothes are pre-sorted. We have 2 dish drawers, so there is always someplace for dirty dishes (even if the other dishwasher is running). We have a vacuuming robot that keeps the floors clean between cleaner visits. And we have a rule that kitchen counters and table have to be cleared off and wiped before bedtime. My 2 year old has to put his toys in the toybox before bed.

I do most of the grocery shopping and get our son out of the house on weekend mornings. In those times, my husband works on some major home renovation projects we've got going on (room by room replacing all of the woodwork in our house, etc).

We split cooking, but often do it in bulk on the weekends so that weeknights are easy.

Even with laundry (which includes cloth diapers right now), I doubt we spend more than 15 minutes a weekday on in home chores, and it is pretty evenly divided between my husband and I.

We spend lots of time on home stuff on weekends, but again, it is even, based on skill and doing projects we enjoy.

I think this is a really relevant issue, and I'm glad to see so many people sharing how things work for them. I don't think there's any one way to do things. My husband and I go the traditional route in that I do the more "girly" tasks (dishes, laundry, cooking, vacuuming), whereas he does the home, pool, and car maintenance, gardening, and bill paying. Although I'm a freelance writer and soon-to-be work-at-home mom, and he makes a gazillion times more money than me, we regard our income as OUR income, not his. We help each other out with our respective "chores" when needed.

I know our society regards this "traditional" model as anachronistic and anti-feminist, but it works for us. In fact, it's other people outside our marriage who tend to have an effect on my self-esteem when they don't recognize the work I do, NOT my husband.

Huh, really interesting post (and one that strikes super close to home actually) I live my with my bf and we're both students - although he gets paid (a teeny tiny amount, mind you) and I get paid...less..he's also in the process of getting his PhD in chemistry with and eye towards industry and I'm studying to be an art historian, needless to say he'll always be making more than me and that's just a fact.

Additionally, I can work anywhere, its predominately reading and writing, while he HAS to work at the lab. Thus, I'm home more, working just as hard, but it also means that I can take a five minute break and throw the laundry into the washing machine or throw something together for dinner so that dinner will be ready when he gets home (additionally, he's a good cook but a slow one, even if we did switch places dinner still wouldn't be ready til 10!)

Thus, I am the main homemaker and he comes home to a (mostly) clean house and a nice meal.

HOWEVER - and we discussed this early on when we moved in together that the money he makes benefits us both

Also, as an aside, as two people we're both super vocal, so if anyone starts to feel taken advantage of, we both usually voice that pretty quickly! :)

I work from home part time and make a significant amount less then my husband. I do the majority of the housework during the week but he does the yard work and shoveling, etc. I think we both are appreciative of each other and what we both bring to the table, both a nice home and a nice income, there is no score sheet, it just works if that makes sense.

@LSUGRAD03: Thanks for posting that article about taking criticism. It's a GREAT read. I guess this one got a little too personal for me. I enjoy sharing my life to relate to other people and to find out how other people live, but I have to admit I feel pretty sad that my fiance has became some kind of villain here. I must defend him, because you all know that one excerpt doesn't tell the whole story. We're planning a wedding, after all. From what I can tell, creating a home together and figuring out how to manage life and money takes a lot of trial and error and learning to compromise about nearly everything. Anyway, I'm thrilled that I sparked this conversation. It's fascinating. And consider my skin now thickened!

EK76 and Missed Congeniality got it 100% -- marriage is a partnership and there are good days and bad days, times you count the things you do for the other person and times you don't count. I would recommend Liz Gilbert's "Committed" to anyone who loves this post. Helped me see a bit clearly before I got married.
AnnaMaria -- thanks so much for this post.

@ ANNAMARIA
I'm sorry people are attacking the integrity of your relationship from one episode (though a very loaded one). One jerky comment doesn't make someone a complete unloveable -run for the hills & cancel the wedding- jerk. You seem nice and smart, so I'm going to assume that you have picked someone who is right for you. That being said, I agree with the basics of what everyone is saying... it's a partnership, communicate & do what is best for you. Good luck to you and your future husband on sorting this (and many more things) out.

Totally agree with the posters who say you should know what works for your relationship. Hubby and I do the things we each do best, and because he doesn't see dirt in the same places I do (yes, the kitchen sink needs to be scrubbed), some things I just do because they bother me, not him. However, he has started scrubbing the toilets on occasion after I explain that no matter how much more satisfaction I get from a clean house, I've never thought, "Wow, I can't wait to pick up a toilet brush!"

This is an excellent article from the New York Times in 2008 about efforts to be true 50/50 partners in housework and parenting - and why they often don't work as planned: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?pagewanted=1&sq=when%20mom%20and%20dad%20share%20it%20all&st=cse&scp=1

I think articles (and posts) like this are so important because they make us realize that what we think is just true in our own little home, is actually true for the *majority* of families.

This quote has stuck with me for years: "Women, she says, know that the world is watching and judging. If the toddler’s clothes don’t match, if the thank-you notes don’t get written, if the house is a shambles, it is seen as her fault, making her overly invested in the outcome."

A couple more:
"They agreed to share chores at home too, but their varying definitions of “done” soon made things unequal."

"The average wife does 31 hours of housework a week while the average husband does 14. If you break out couples in which wives stay home and husbands are the sole earners, the number of hours goes up for women, to 38 hours of housework a week, and down a bit for men, to 12, a ratio of more than three to one. But then break out the couples in which both husband and wife have full-time paying jobs. There, the wife does 28 hours of housework and the husband, 16. Just shy of two to one, which makes no sense at all."

I'm really enjoying this thread. Yes, it hits very close to home for a lot of us !

Seems like women fight on two fronts: habits from their parents (if your parents are anything like mine, your father couldn't boil an egg or make laundry to save his life), and the habits we took ourselves. I remember when my son was younger, I used to watch over my husband's shoulder to see if he was doing everything right. Then I realized that right = my way, and that wasn't good, because I ended up getting remarks like "if you don't like the way I do it, just do it yourself !". I did, was quickly overloaded by the amount of work and melted down.

While sharing housework isn't an issue in my home anymore, I have to constantly remind myself that getting my husband involved means accepting the way he does things, even if I don't like it, because otherwise I should do it myself, and I don't want that. That my personal battle. I'm so lucky he involves himself spontaneously, it seems stupid and absurd that I should try to prevent him to invade what I felt was my territory. Yeah, inconsciously, I feel like my territory is the laundry room and the kitchen, and I have to fight my control freak habits everyday.

As for being happy that your fiancé enjoys coming home after work: that's why we do chores, isn't it ? To make ourselves and the rest of our household, however large (and I include pets in this) happy to be together ? Sure, cleanliness, hygiene, clutter... but bottom line is, if the housework is going smoothly, you get more time to enjoy your family, and that's what it's about, isn't it ?

To be honest, I'm astonished - in this day and age - how many here testify to their male partners not sharing in housework (some not lifting a finger!). Certainly one who has more time at home might do more things, but this is work to be shared, hopefully joyfully. It won't always be even, but it is a "partnership," yes? Its not about money, its about the relationship.

If you don't have kids, and plan on them some day - this will absolutely explode in your face. Seriously, imbalance now will become exacerbated and perhaps intolerable. A lot of us men were raised in the 70s or 80s and our moms did almost everything in the house, but many of us have grown up and realized what it is to be a partner and share a life. If one hasn't - then he never really grew up and is still a boy.

Oh, yea - Annamarie - its good to provoke thoughts and ideas through a personal narrative. That shouldn't invite people to offer advice for your specific case. But I guess folks are always interested in offering unsolicited advice these days. Good for you if you'd like to make your partner feel at ease when they come home - that should be the goal of *any* thoughtful partner who arrives home first.

If you cook him a home cooked meal every night he can at least do the clean up... jeez

@STRAWBERRYPIE: Really interesting article in the NY TImes! Thanks for sharing!

@ Annamarie- I think this has sparked such an interesting debate, you shouldn't feel bad about sharing your personal situation. It's not really fair for people to judge you when they don't know the full story. Regardless of what they think or how they do things, I think people should appreciate your honesty in admitting sometimes we don't know or haven't found the perfect solution yet. Because life isn't perfect! Thanks xx

I'm a single mom. Division of labor was one of MANY reasons behind my divorce; when I was married, I cleaned up after myself, husband, and baby. I also did the majority of the childcare, since my husband thought that when I was home, it was his time to relax (read: disappear into the office and goof around on the computer, not engaging with me or the kid).

Now that I'm in my own home, I obviously do most of the work. My four-year-old daughter is learning to pick up after herself, and I'll occasionally let her do dishes because she gets such a big kick out of playing in the water, but keeping the house clean is my job. Then again, it's a much easier job than it was before, since I'm only cleaning up after one adult and one child.

As for the economics of it, I don't care. The amount of money I should be making on top of my full-time job, or the amount of money a homemaker should make, are moot points. That money is not there, and thinking in terms of what one "should" can breed resentment.

Firstly, I treat OUR money as OUR money; I earned more for a while, Then I stayed at home a year and now I'm temping part time, and all the time it's still a family and if we have to divvy up the spoils then we're doing something wrong. We each get a set amount per month of "fun money" which we can spend recklessly. EVERYTHING ELSE goes into the family budget/savings.

While I'm a stay-at-home or temp worker, I figure the chores are pretty much mine. If I slip on something he is NOT allowed to complain (he can do it himself if it bugs him) but I do feel responsible for helping to carry the burden of "our household" along.

When I was working full time, the basic breakdown was:
1) who likes to do it? I love baking, organizing, tidying, etc.
2) who loathes it? I HATE vacuuming, he doesn't, so he does it.
3) who does it bug first? I always did the lion's share of the chores because I'd look around and go "ugh, must dust!" before he did. BUT, if I didn't dust and it started getting to him he didn't turn to me and ask why...he got out the rag or duster and set to work himself.

I know why a lot of people divvy up the chores, but I've always just found it easier to make everyone responsible for their own comfort level.

Oh, and for the record: I am TOTALLY with you about wanting your man to be relaxed when he comes home. And myself. And any guests that might come over.

But mostly my guys and me, because we live here and if we CAN'T feel like royalty when relaxing in our own home then who exactly are we trying to make things nice for?

I HATE the saying, "boys will be boys!" (no offense to anyone who used it upthread, I'm sure you have your reasons). Apartment Therapy may not be a good example of this because it's somewhat gender-neutral (though I'd guess it skews female), but on other heavily female sites, cleaning, cooking and organizing tips are scattered throughout the fashion and psychology that attract a female viewership to shows like Oprah and blogs like "bonjour cupcake bubbles!" or whatever. While on sites and shows that skew heavily male there is nary a peep about the newest Ms. Myers cleaner or how to organize your landing strip in ten easy steps. So I, being a lady, end up knowing through osmosis how to cook & clean, while my husband has no clue. Not only that but I've been socialized to care and he hasn't. If "Call of Duty 4" and whatshisface Tosh emphasized the glamor of a spotless stove-top and clean refrigerator coils as much as female media outlets, I promise you "boys will be boys!" would refer to a scrub-brush in hand.

We try to split our chores and I still can't keep from worrying about his half because if it's the laundry, my clothes come back shrunken and my whites are pink (I'm wearing a bleach-stained shirt right now). But if we switch and he cooks he'll come up with totally unhealthy stuff and no clue how to maintain a kitchen ("spaghetti sauce is a vegetable right?" "butter has calories? really?"). So I have the stress of being the manager, but I'm not allowed to be the boss (cause we're partners). And I'm put in a position where I can be either a bully, nag or servant. Gee, what a choice.

Obviously if you're a guy who has house work under control I'm not talking about you. The "boys will be boys" issue is big enough that I think I can talk about it without implying that ALL male/female relationships play out this way.

@kittywrangler Yeah, the cultural implications are staggering and only sort-of anyone's fault. It's a thing we just need to move forward from. :)

I solved the laundry problem two ways:

1) I don't use bleach. I don't have it in my house. The one set of white sheets gets a pre-wash rinse with extra detergent once in a while, and that seems to work fine.

2) I buy based on how much care I want to put into the laundry. My wardrobe is almost entirely iron-free, non-white, and non-red. I DO NOT buy dry clean only items for any reason. And because most wrinkle-resistant clothes are synthetics, they also drip-dry really quickly when I want to save money/energy and skip the dryer.

Our primary hamper IS the washing machine. Because nothing has special care instructions, everything can just go in at once and no harm done. The only thing I have to show care with is my boyfriend's jeans; they wrinkle really badly if I don't take them out of the dryer at JUST the right time, and I can't iron them because they're the fire-resistant kind. (He works for an electric company).

@Shadlyn

Excellent advice. Yes, we got rid of the bleach after that incident (turns out he spilled it all over the laundry room and let it dry, too, so that when I set down wet things for months after that on random surfaces they'd get bleach stains, even though I thought I'd rid us of the bleach. Argh!) I figure a lemon and some vinegar can only do so much damage. We also have black sheets now, which is kinda sexy. Win/win.

The thing is, even if you're told how to do laundry you still have to somewhat figure it out for yourself and that takes a learning curve. And I don't own that many clothes (fewer after the husband-laundry experiment) so it makes me nervous. It's not an insurmountable problem or anything but I suspect that the "honey I don't know how!" situation (or ploy, if you're really cynical) is extremely common.

PS- I didn't know fire-resistant jeans existed. I kind of want some now.

I'm a woman and make twice in my 30-hour work week what my husband does in his 50-hour work week. While I do almost all the cooking, shopping, organizing and bill paying, he does most of the day to day child work (bathing, dressing) and 100% daily cleaning (dishes and laundry). We have a weekly person who does the more intense cleaning. I feel like I'm getting away with murder with this arrangement, but it works for us so far.

Neither of us feels that the arbitrary way in which my profession is reimbursed more than his is should have bearing on our household division of labor. The fact that he ends up doing more of our household labor is due to our personalities, I think. It's probably also relevant that he was raised in The Netherlands where his family/peers tend to have a very practical outlook on chores (people do what needs to be done) that doesn't seem as fraught with gender politics as it is here.

Both my husband and I have full time jobs and there has never been any questions of his/her money Vs our money. I guess talking about sharing the housework never works because nobody really knows what they want to do. I am a clean freak but doing laundry has never been my forte.
After about an year of setting up home together, things fell into place automatically and now we share the home and the "home"work together. I take care of the cooking, and he does the cleaning.
But like everything else in life, there are no fixed rules. I guess the key is to be understanding and responsible.

Looks like you snared yourself a handful of Judgey McJudgersons on this thread. Frankly I expected better from AT commenters than classic troll lines (i.e., "You're doing it wrong!") I'm glad your post was honest, and clearly you hit on something many other couples also grapple with: namely, that workable compromises in relationships don't always fall together naturally. They require thought and discussion, not unlike this one. And I think it's hot that you care about creating/contributing to a stress-free environment at home; your shared space is as sacred as your relationship, and remembering that every day is a great way to preserve love and romance long-term.

I find it extremely interesting that so many people equate a joint checking account with a healthy marriage. Women tend to be more financially vulnerable than men when they divorce or outlive a spouse, especially if they haven't been working for many years. (Not that anyone wants to even consider the possibility of divorce!) Admittedly, it's more difficult to budget and keep track of everything with separate accounts, but I don't think that makes a relationship any less valid. I've been reading a lot about this lately, and some financial advisors actually suggest couples ease into sharing, because it can be overwhelming for some people. Also, if one partner comes from a family that had money problems -- or if he or she witnessed the devastating financial effects of a bitter divorce -- it can be a lot more difficult to make that leap.

I wrote a followup to this post that will go up on Tuesday; I look forward to hearing more feedback! (Someone on Facebook called me an airhead, which was a definite first for me!)

I once bemoaned the fact that my then-husband always had a nicer computer than I did. A commenter asked me if he made more than me. Before I could step in, a female lawyer stepped in.

Paraphrasing, she said that she made twice what her science teacher husband made, and that, given fifteen years, it would probably be triple. And yet, when they went out to dinner, she wouldn't dream of forcing him to order the salad while she ordered the steak. She didn't make him drive a beater while she tooled around town in the Caddy. When they went on vacation, she didn't make him drink water while she got cocktails, or ride first class while he rode with the common folk.

They were a partnership, and once that money was in the house, it was theirs. She couldn't help out with the day to day tasks as much, due to her hours, so she picked up the weekend chores, like laundry or yard maintenance. She had more time online during the day, so she took up planning vacations and dealing with bills.

I took that to heart, and demanded an equal rig.

These days, I work from home and the SO works long hours, so I could have been in the situation above. I refused. Our compromise is that, though he can't cook in the evenings (we'd be eating at 10), he can do the dishes, and cook up a big batch of something on the weekend. He helps out with laundry, trucking it upstairs and putting it away (the part I HATE). He does dump runs and I run the kids to the babysitter.

Writer: one day, your man will stop valuing your work. Trust me. You'll look back at what you wrote and cringe.

@SARAI08:

I was in your situation. I left.

My ex never helped clean. The kids and I would be picking up around him, and he'd be banging away at a video game. I'd cook dinner, he'd grab a plate and take it back to his computer. I'd do all the shopping, he'd complain that I didn't get the exact cheese I wanted.

It's not about housework. It's about valuing your work, and valuing the life you have together enough to want to take an active part in maintaining it.

My fiance was never a cleaner, but now that we have a life together, he works hard to maintain it. He does the dishes, he cooks every weekend, he puts away the laundry, and he joins in when we need to pick up. He's a part of this house, not just a guest.

@ANNAMARIA STEPHENS:

I've done the checkbook thing both ways. I prefer to have all household cash in one account, because that makes things a lot less complicated for running a house. We each have our own bank account, though, with our fun money, and that keeps the SO and I sane. If he wants to spend every dime on video games, he can do it without bouncing the gas bill. If I want to save for a big thing, I can, and he doesn't have access to that money.

When my ex could see how much fun money I had saved, he'd often point to it when something went wrong. A bill is extra big this month? You have the money, baby. You pay for it. I remember crying one night because I had been saving up for a year for a new laptop, and, because he got a speeding ticket, I had to drain my fun account. I realized then, but wouldn't act on it until later, that everyone needs their own money.

When I was working part time hours (my husband was full time) I took on the bulk of the housework. Mostly because I actually like to live in a clean home. But he had his chores. He didn't get a free ride just because he sat at a desk for 8 hours. And dinner was never ready when he got home...mostly because who knew when that was going to happen (With traffic and all). So we split the work, but I just played management at my house and made sure it all got done....correctly.

My man does more of the housework because it needs to be done and he's at home more. He's in classes maybe 12, 14 hours a week, while I'm working 40 hours a week.When it was reversed (he in classes 12 hours a week plus working 20, me in classes 9 hours a week) I did more of the housework.

He's slowly getting less squeamish about spending the money I earn and put directly into our joint account. After all, when he was working and I only had loans to live on, I spent his money on things for us, so it's only natural he do the same now that I'm working.

A relationship isn't about you vs me, it's about what we need and what we make. It doesn't make sense to separate things out like that. If we complete a week with all the chores done, food in the cabinets, bills paid, then we get to relax and maybe see a movie. If we don't, we have to bust our asses on the weekend making it happen. It's all or nothing.

Great topic. I have to side with the your-money-is-our-money crowd. I've been married for three years and, while we got married in our mid-20s when life wasn't (isn't) settled yet, we've already been through several phases of paid work/unpaid work balance shifts. First he was unemployed for a few months thanks to the down economy. I worked. Then he got a job and I went back to school to finish my degree. I worked part time during one of those two years, then I got kinda sick and quit my job to focus on school and my health. Now he's in grad school and I'm a freelance writer and doing a heavy amount of volunteer work "on the side". And we have yet to go through the phases of him being done with grad school and making some real money (fingers crossed!), having kids, me being in grad school, etc etc. Our individual levels of commitment to tending the hearth fluctuate in stride with our other commitments.

The point is, who does what when and for how much money is likely going to shift throughout a marriage/partnership, whether by choice or necessity. I say both people should be working as hard as they can to reach the goals of the partnership, whatever those goals are. And if both people are working hard towards those goals then it shouldn't matter who is earning money, and who is saving money by cooking nutritious meals at home. IF (and I said if) any woman and her partner decide that it makes sense and is enjoyable for her to be the keeper of the home, whether part time or full time, then that is a woman's work and that's not hooey. What is complete and utter misogynist hooey is for the man in the relationship to feel like what he's earning is somehow of more value than what his partner is earning just because it comes in the form of cash.

In 20+ years of marriage, I have done all of the childcare and housework, even when I, briefly, worked full time (when our eldest was young). I could count on one hand the number of diapers my husband changed (we have 3 kids), or the number of times he babysat/ attended school meetings/ took the children to parties or playdates. Call me old-fashioned, but I preferred to do these chores myself than nag or provoke an argument. Having said that, I would not have wished to work the hours my partner did in the particular environment in which he worked, which has afforded us the privilege of having a parent at home to care for our children, and help, when needed, in the form of cleaners, babysitters and gardeners, which my husband has never begrudged. It's about valuing what the other person does, and based on the scant information Ms Stephens has chosen to share here, it appears that her partner does not value her contribution to their home life.

Oh, and just to be clear, I'm not saying that my last sentence is what your husband-to-be actually feels. I know we're dealing with incredibly limited information here, and I'm sure he is a great guy or you wouldn't be marrying him. It's just an issue that I have seen come up time and time again, and usually (but not always) it is the man half (of a heterosexual relationship) who brings home more money AND makes a fuss about it.

"I pay for more" is an argument that I had as a 21 year old. If you're keeping score dollar for dollar of "things paid for" and minute for minute of housework, you've got bigger marital issues.

These kinds of "studies" always crack me up. Yes, it would be lovely to get to be a housewife and make close to 100k a year but thats just not reality and it's just going to piss people off to say "gee, in a magic alternate reality, wouldn't this be great?"

For all the people flipping out over their significant others making more money so you do more work or whatever, I agree with other posters- you're doing it wrong. I WISH we could afford for me to be a old time housewife, taking care of kids and dinner on the table in my spotless kitchen everyday but the reality is, we like being able to pay all our bills way more. But if I could afford to be a stay home mom, to resent my husband for it seems petty. I already do more of the cooking/cleaning type chores but for the times I want to grouch out about it, I take a step back and tell myself about how I never have to fix broken things and drag the trash to the street and if I need things from the grocery, how he'll always hop in the car and go. All the seemingly endless tasks I can come up with, he happily does. You can't put what one person does on one side of the scale and the other person on the other, it doesn't work like that. Especially if this is someone you love so much.

@Annamarie

The joint bank account issue is interesting because while the bf and I see the money in our accounts as "ours" they are separate and will remain so for the foreseeable future.

I think that the reasons behind this are two fold the first being that we are not married nor engage nor do I think that we will be for a while so that if we were to split up, the separation would be much simpler. However, as two grad students in a metropolitan area, well, there just isn't much money to go around, so pooling our resources has to make sense, even if he does bring about 2x as much I as I do to the table. But, its also the little things, sure he makes 2x as much as me, but I'm also a pretty good cook (and hopefully getting better) so with my expertise, we're getting the most bang for our food allowance - he wouldn't be able to afford the same type of meals that I cook every night if we ate out.

But, like everyone has said above, its all about seeing yourself as an active member of a partnership and making sure that no one is feeling taken advantage of.

My boyfriend, who I live with, is also a professor, and I'm kind of struggling with the same thing. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this; it's good to know I'm not completely crazy for thinking like this.

Tale as old time. I got worse and worse for us as he got busier and more stressful responsibility, and I was down to something like 10% of the household income and working full time.

But, making more money let us get a maid (YAY!) who saved our marriage. You'd be surprised how many of your neighbor ladies would love a few bucks to clean your house. You might even be able to work out a swap arrangement for cooking.

@Annamaria

Yes, the joint account issue is interesting. I have no idea as to the right/wrong solution. I still think a joint account is practical for buying groceries and such things that are divided between partners. Really, I don't have the energy to keep track of what I bought and what he bought and make monthly calculations.
Maybe it's a good idea for personal spendings ? We only use a joint account, but I know that I have a certain amount per month to use on clothes and such. Maybe separate accounts would be better.

Looking up for the follow-ups on this post !

"You're doing it wrong." I guess that means you're doing it right? God, I'm so jealous of perfect people.

My husband and I have an unconventional arrangement, I guess. We both earn money, but we live exclusively on his income and put all of my income into savings. Since I work freelance I have the appearance of being "a homemaker," and, though we never consciously made the decision, I do almost all of the cleaning and cooking and yard work. Still, all of our money is OUR money--there's never any dispute about who is spending what or how much.

If my husband ever said something to me along the lines of "I pay for more" we would have a serious, serious fight. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of insinuation and I can't believe you would either. For your sake, I hope this article is more fictional journalism than truth. If it isn't, like many commentors before me, I would seriously reconsider that "future husband" status. That kind of resentment will build up over time and lead to major complications.

Have you read The Joy Luck Club?

One of the stories is about a woman and her husband who "mutually" decided to keep money out of their marriage by paying for everything separately. Of course, there ends up being inequity and it really strains the relationship.

Also, I like the idea of having MY own money. I love home design, and future hubby couldn't care less. Do I have to ask his permission to buy a lamp? Nope! He loves skiing and splurged on some fancy new skis last year. Did I even raise an eyebrow? Nope!

And the fact that he makes more isn't arbitrary. He worked his butt off for years and years to get a PhD, to become one of the top young scientists in his field, and to land a great job. Me? I work hard at writing, too, but I have so much flexibility in my job it's silly.

Frankly, I think it's old-fashioned that I should expect my man to automatically hand over his entire paycheck to our two-person family (which might change if we have kids, of course). That said, he DOES pay for more, from dinners to vacations (like the female lawyer was quoted as saying a few comments up, he doesn't make me eat salad while he eats steak).

My original point -- the only point, actually -- is that perhaps having an idea of what housework would be paid in the real market would demonstrate that I am contributing more than he realizes. And frankly, I do believe in earning my keep the best I can. That's the opposite of being a kept woman. If I were working a full-time job outside of the house, and could contribute more financially, certainly things would be different.

I find it hard to believe that people have stated that my man doesn't appreciate me and never will. We are both living with another person for the first time, and -- as SO MANY people have pointed out -- it takes a while to figure it all out. Judgy McJudgersons, indeed!

You're right, everybody! I can't believe he said something insensitive. I'm sure I've never said or done anything insensitive in my entire life. What a jerk he is. And I can't believe we're having issues with housework and money. It makes me cringe that we're not perfect. Obviously, we'll never make it because these things can't be figured out with communication and hard work. We're clearly the worst couple ever. Engagement's off!!!!!

Don't take people's comments too personally (mine either if they were out of line, which I hope they weren't). I think the reason that this topic strikes a nerve with readers is only that people who have been married a while know that money and division of labor can become a huge issue in a relationship. And not just in unhappy relationships. My own parents have been happily married for 30 years, and division of labor is the only specific thing I recall them ever having conflict over. But maybe you'll be one of those awesome couples that gets those issues out of their system early on, and you'll never have to talk about it again. Inshallah!

@Annamaria, I realize you're being sarcastic, but I hope you do actually listen to what many of us are saying. This is not a minor issue in a marriage. Division of labor, equality, fair partnerships and the like are MAJOR issues in many divorces. What might be a simple "insensitive" remark today can easily become entitlement down the road. If he doesn't value what you're bringing to the table now, how will he feel when (if) there are children involved and less housework gets done? What happens if your income decreases further or his increases drastically? These are serious hurdles to overcome if, at this early stage, you're already disagreeing in a big way on topics as basic as household chores and finances.

No, I don't think you should outright end your relationship over this, but I do think it's a bigger issue than you'd have us believe. Just the fact that you wrote this article and included his snide remark with it suggests you were looking for commiseration and understanding. I think you know this is a big deal.

So, first order of business, stop getting so defensive. I've read only one disrespectful comment here; most people are trying to help or offering their own financial-meets-marriage follies. Have you thought about reading them with an open mind?

@APK_101: Believe me, I know that people fight over this stuff. That's why my friend, the counselor, suggested I keep track of my work, so that I could have an honest discussion with my man. And that's why I even brought this up in the first place, so to have people judge me (which is pretty personal) when I'm just trying to start a conversation definitely stings.

My parents have been happily married for nearly 40 years, and housework used to be their biggest conflict. Then they hired a regular cleaning lady, and out of nowhere, my dad stepped up to the plate and started helping out more with other chores. It's still not equal by any means, but his efforts are appreciated.

My fiance's parents went through an incredibly bitter divorce, which I imagine would make anyone a little apprehensive about sharing all aspects of life together.

@Strangebird: Yes, that was sarcasm. And I am a pretty open-minded person, and open about my own life in general, which is why I'm a writer. I don't disagree with people that say we should figure this stuff out. You're right: It's a big deal. But we're both grownups and are emotionally equipped to change and compromise. And I'd rather figure it out now than let the resentment build for 20 years and then endure a horrible divorce, as I've seen so many people go through. Hell, some of my young friends are already on their second marriages. I just find it incredibly presumptuous that people would conclude, based on a few graphs, that I should rethink getting married. We've been together for four years and this only became an issue when we bought a house last year. We'll adapt. And maybe it won't be ever be anyone else's version of "right," but as long as it feels right to us, that, to me, is a successful relationship. No more comments from me. This has taken up more time than my flippin' housework. ;-)

This back and forth argument between the author and the readers is getting bizarre.

@ANNAMARIA: Yep, people have been harsh and that's not cool. You deserve credit for starting the conversation. It's one that's hard to start, whether on an online forum or at home with your partner. And of course it's super scary to start a life with someone, especially if you've seen your parents marriage implode. You guys will be great, don't worry. I feel like this is sounding condescending, which is so not how I mean it. I am 0% a marriage expert. I just think that since the two of you seem like caring, aware people who want to do right by each other you will have an awesome marriage. So HUGE congratulations on the engagement!! I'm sorry more people haven't said that to you. Marriage is seriously the biggest adventure ever, and its worth every second--even the arguments about money and chores. Those are small potatoes.

PS I will so totally hire a housekeeper when I can. I lived in India for a year, and had a woman who cooked (homemade Indian food!) and cleaned for me, and it was awesome. So props to your parents. Mine should probably do the same. :)

@Annamaria

I know some of us sound very judgmental, but what I see are a lot of people throwing up huge red flags. Many of the comments are coming from people who have been there, and who lost, or nearly lost, their marriages due to the issues that they're trying to point to.

I see you want to open a conversation with your fiance, and that's GOOD. Here's some things to you might want to consider:

- Both people should know how to do all the chores. This is practical: people get sick. My ex had no clue how to tend to kids or cook when my second pregnancy took me out. The house fell apart in weeks, and my son was living off of pop tarts until family swooped in and provided meals.
- Are you two letting money set your value in the relationship? If he screwed up, how would you feel if he offered you a twenty to make up for it? Pretty crappy, right? Money doesn't replace commitment to having a life together, and all the effort it takes to keep that running smoothly.
- He works out of the home, so it is probably easier for you to do the day to day stuff. That's fine. Are there weekend tasks he can pick up? Can he do the dishes? Can he do something that makes you happy, like be responsible for making the cocktails, or planning date night?
- Find the money solution that works right for you, and don't worry about what era it comes from. Look at the French, Cuban, and American methods. I do it the Cuban way these days, because that makes the SO and I the happiest.

@APK_101: Thanks very much. I *never* get so involved with my own posts, but boy did I turn into a fierce mamma bear about my man and our relationship!!! And I am super excited to embark on this great adventure called marriage. There is some truly excellent advice in the comments, which I will look back at often!

There has to be a more meaningful way to measure value in a relationship than trying to itemize what each person does, even if its just to make a point.
The beauty of marriage is the flexibility it affords to each person that they wouldn't have on their own. When my husband hated his job, we had enough money from my job that he could quit and look for something better... but only because he took care of me when I went back to school for my Masters. We both do whatever we can to have a good life together, and the specifics of that work change from one year to the next.
Anyway, best of luck on your marriage! I think it's great you're so open and honest about how you feel about complicated issues.There is no right answer.
I recommend checking out John Gottman's book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail", it was an eye-opener for me when I first got married. Gottman did actual scientific research to figure out why some people stayed married forever and why others didn't (spoiler: it wasn't communication & hard work).

There is no way in f*ck that I would work longer hours AND do more housework than my husband. This is why we have a weekly cleaning service. Marriage saver!

Work longer hours (in/or) out of the house!

We have found one of the advantages to getting married while still in school (and then, unexpectedly going back to school!) is that sometimes one of us is making much more than the other; sometimes the other one is pulling all the financial weight; and we constantly have to readjust expectations about who does what, and how much, instead of getting into a "she provides, he does dishes" rut or vice versa.

Not everyone can or will experience that; but it's been very helpful for us.

thoughts on hiring a clean person in a 2 bedroom apartment? i've thought about it as a joke in the past...but maybe it's something worth looking into. i think the first time a cleaner would show up, my neighbors would look at me like i was crazy. it's not a HUGE place, but 900sf with 3 cats and a husband can be a lot of work. especially (as stated before) that I work FT, he works PT and is in school FT.

Do it! We have a cleaning lady for our 3 bdr. apt. A home is a home! Who cares what the neighbors think??!

"My future hubby is a tenure-track professor, which means he works really long hours and weekends. I am a freelance writer, and although I have days when I'm totally slammed, I usually have significantly more free time than he does. I also bring in about a third of his income, so instead of paying exactly half the mortgage and bills, I do nearly all of the housework."

Organising things this way is totally up to you, and it used to be the way I thought about things too.

But then I realised that just because one job pays more than the other, doesn't mean one job is actually, objectively worth more than the other, harder than the other, etc etc. I agree that it makes sense for the person who works less hours to do more housework. But for me, it doesn't follow that the person who makes less MONEY should do more housework.

Also, it cuts both ways - my partner makes a lot more money than me but he also spends a lot more. There are things he wants to buy 'for us' that I can't afford/don't want so he buys them. But I would personally be very upset if he threw that back in my face.

I don't want to criticise and arrangement that works for you, I think things should be 'fair' and 'balanced' too. We can't all (and don't all want) high paying, high stress jobs.

I think you are more than entitaled to ask him to top making such comments. Of course he pays for more! That was the agreement you guys made! It would be just as unfair if you went around complaining that you do all the housework. I think if either of you arent' happy with the agreement (althuough it sounds like you are?), it might be time for a rethink.

I remind my boyfriend at least once a week that studies show that men who do more housework also have more sex. I don't know if it makes a difference but it's a fun statistic ;-)

well, after reading all the posts..how we do it..etc..all that mathhhh..the best one regardless of each person's income, is, tadaaaaaaaaa:WILLYNILLYKNITS.. : )

Augh! What a load of poop!! All the comments I mean. Give people a license to talk and you can't shut them up, right?!
I'm so shocked at how opionated people are..not surprised though.
Any "issue" can become a major issue in a marriage. There are no major issues. Everything is a choice. We choose to overreact, argue, pick out each others flaws. There are no right or wrong ways to deal with the housework situation. Who cares!! And we (women) most certainly can be the bigger jerks sometimes.
And there is NO shame in wanting your man to come home to a clean home. If more wives did that maybe their husbands would BE at home instead of in a mother woman's arms! Whhooooo saaaaa. Vent over!

*opinionated

"If more wives did that maybe their husbands would BE at home instead of in a mother woman's arms!" That's kind of an awesome Freudian typo.

But the idea certainly isn't awesome: not only do wives owe husbands housework, but they're starting out in some sort of fidelity-debt? What you described is like a sexual share-cropping situation! No way. Not saying that is YOUR marriage, just saying I find that idea odious.

@kittywrangler

Whoops!! Haha! That's what i get for posting on my iPhone after reading the previous dumb comments and getting fired up! Stupid autocorrect!

But I'll stick by what I say. And I'm not going to use big words so I can appear to be over the top intellectual..but I am a wife. To a husband. Who works 6am to 6pm. I homeschool 3 children. I cook, clean and keep my husband in my bed. I spend time with friends, I go surfing with my kids, I take adult education classes. I've been married for nearly 10 years. I AM NOT perfect. But I do know one thing. I know that alot of people place ridiculous expectations on their spouses. Why should he come home to a messy home? And he is more than helpful on days when I need him. YES my husband earns ALL the money in our home. Yes he has made the same comment that the writers partner has. And you know what our job is as wives to our husbands and mothers to the next generation? It's to show forgiveness. It's to speak to kindness and it's to uplift and encourage our husbands. I would hate for my duaghters to grow up being the kind of women that use sex or money or whatever against their husbands. And I'd hate even more for them to be unappreciative of their husbands going out to provide for the family. And yes, in my opinion that is a reason some men have affairs. And women for that matter. Not all but some. I know a few. So there ya go. I will say however, I draw the line at making lunches for my husband. THAT I don't agree with!

What I resist/begrudge is when I have to do all the thinking about the household management. Did through two marriages.

I'm fine with a lions share, because I am something of a perfectionist, and I'm trying to get better about that.

Right now I'm unemployed and retraining.
( J school students, there are papers paying minimum wage. Most will go under.)
While I am rebuilding my professional life, I took on a house manager position in our home.
I do expect that if I ask, he will contribute physically and mentally.

As for the day to day stuff, I cook, he cleans; I handle my laundry and household laundry (towels, sheets and the like) while letting him know what is getting washed the next load.
I split laundry into nonfuzzy and lintalicious.
If it makes lint, it is in one load.
Nonfuzzy is jeans, T-shirts, sheets, flat weaves and such.
I let him know the wash day and which sort I need to fill a load.
Amazingly, this method works.

Yard work is where he does the strategic planning.
I have an herb bed and pots. He has the rest. I have input.
I weed, he mows, I defend the blackberries from the mower.

Annamaria,

If you don't want people to make presumptuous assumptions about your relationship issues, don't post about them on the internet. I think your post speaks for itself.

There is no point in getting defensive here. Your fiancé makes more money, spends more time doing it than you do free-lancing, and consequently you do more housework. Your life, your choices. I'm not judging.

But I'd settle the money issues before you get married, rather than after. As far as the housework goes, all that matters is that you are both happy with the arrangement.

For the record, I've been happily married for nearly thirty-two years. Neither of us is any good at keeping house. We live in a run-down little tract house in the suburbs that is never going to be featured in House Beautiful or even Apartment Therapy. You'll have to trust me on this. If you love each other, if you treat each other with care and respect, if you can make your bills and save a bit, and you have your health, you have everything you need for a good life. The rest is just details.

The Power of Women and the Subversion of the Community

I don't like the idea that your bf says that he doesn't have to do housework as he pays more. What does that make you, his maid with benefits? I don't think that everything has to be accounted for to the minute, but my approach would be that each person in the couple gets to spend about the same amount of time on activities that are meaninful to them, paid or not. BF is not working somewhere in mind-numbing drudgery, but intellectually in a way which I assume is meaningful to him, and that assures him a shining future. That is his meaningful activity. Yours is your writing and maybe hobbies, self-development, time spent with friends etc. Apart from that there are chores. I'm not saying that they have to be split down the middle, but there should be some attempt at an equitable division of housework. Get home help if necessary.

Again the worst part of what you write is your bf's attitude to you. It is very utilitarian and sexist. and not very loving.

I have been married to this slob for 12 years, and yes he is a slob. before we married everything was nice and clean, even the bed sheets, now i am not really able to do most of the housework, but he doesn't help one bit. i clean the kitchen spick and span... 5 minutes later he will go in there to cook something and its like a bomb has hit it.
he saves tin cans and glass bottles which i throw away when i find them, so for you housewives who DO have a husband that is willing to help, i congratulate you, but then i think that if he's at least willing you shouldn't gripe, i would gladly trade places!!
We have a rent house which needed cleaning before we re-rent it, i have washed all the baseboards, windows, floors, and i can definetly say it was disgustingly dirty. what was he doing all this time??? well he did mow the grass on a riding mower, then he set out the sprinkler and sat on the front porch watching it!! so be thankful for what you have.

I must say how wonderfully timed it is for me to read this. I just got done fighting with my boyfriend about this. The cleaning and the fairness. I feel he thinks his time is more valuable than mine so he doesn't help out very much. Meanwhile I am in school at least 3 hours a day, walk our 2 dogs, teach tai chi and yoga (which makes me physically tired) and I work almost 30 hours a week as a server. He has one job and one hobby. Where did my hobby go? NO TIME. I look at how my mother has taken over all housework since they first married. 30 years later she is miserable. I can't let that be me. So how do you get them to see how much we really do as women? Will things ever change?

This is so late, but I HAD to post. I really think it depends on the amount of time each person has, and if you are a stay at home wife/husband. I've done both (stay at home with the baby, and go to work), I felt that I had more time when I was at home. I was able to cook, clean and take care of the house much easier because I wasn't under a time crunch. When my husband came home I gave him dinner. He only had a few responisibilities at that time, but it was me who did the majorty of the cleaning. Now, I am working and my husband is home with the baby. I started to feel stressed at first, because my husband was so used to me doing everything...but I spoke up, and now he does more.

It's not about who makes more money, but who has more time to do the housework. I think it is unfair to ask somebody who just came from work to drop everything and do dishes...it really should not be them doing the dishes.