With the due date of our second child quickly approaching, the list of preparations we still need to address is looming large: painting the nursery, cooking and freezing meals, choosing a name--you know, the basics. For most of the things on the list we have a plan, or at least an idea of what we need to do. After all, this is not our first rodeo. But there is one area where we are completely in the dark--how to introduce the new baby to our twenty-month old daughter.
We have started to ask friends and acquaintances and have gotten some pretty good guidance. But oftentimes their children were a bit older and were able to understand the concept and verbalize a response, something our daughter will not really be able to do.
I am open to any and all advice, but what would be especially helpful is hearing from readers who faced a similar situation to ours. How did you prepare your young toddler for the newest member of the family?
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My kids are 27 months apart. We had a doll and talked about the baby in my tummy and when it would come out. I tried to keep it too the first few months. Baby will cry, eat, sleep. We are very gentle with baby. He loved blowing raspberries on my belly and we kept that up on her tummy once she came
But really it was a world shift he did not get until she came. And so we talked about things as they came. Babies can't hold toys, they don't eat cheerios. She likes when you sing her songs or hold her hand. What really heaped was letting him try all the baby stuff out. He played in the baby gym and ate breakfast for a week in her bassinet on the floor.
I'm in the same position right now. My son is 25 months old and I'm 17 weeks pregnant with our second child. I don't have any advice to offer, but I am reading a great book right now called "Twice Blessed: Everything You Need To Know About Having A Second Child". It has a lot of good suggestions and is making me feel a bit better about how our first kiddo will adjust to our new arrival. Good luck to you!
I'm not expecting a child, but my son (who's 4) is always very concerned about a friend's baby that we see often. I talk to him about being gentle, not yelling too loudly, that kind of thing.
The funny this is, he seems to respect them automatically. Obviously, that's probably different for a sibling, but I think it has to do with size too. He also fears them taking his things: "Will she steal my toys? Will she be mean to me?" These are real fears in his world and it takes a while to explain how babies are different from a preschooler. He's started to ask "How does a baby get out?" questions too. So I think that just answering their questions and reassuring that no, babies won't take away Mommy and Daddy and no, you will still have a good life, that kind of thing.
My daughter was 22 months old when her sister was born. I spent the weeks up to the birth talking about the new baby, the baby in my tummy, etc, etc but she understood very little. Events taking place in the future ("next month we will have a new baby") meant nothing to her, so we pretty much just threw her in the deep end when the baby was born. Luckily other than a little bit of jealousy (mostly when I was nursing), she rolled with it. It's so dependent on the toddler's age. She's 2 and a half now and she understands complex ideas so much better now--it would have been a totally different story if her sister had been born now. For the first six weeks or so, when she would wake up in the morning, she'd say "Oh! A baby!" as if it was a pleasant surprise over and over.
Anyway, if you have a very young toddler like mine, we tried to keep her life as normal as possible. She still loved her crib and still (I know, I know) took a bottle at night. When I first got pregnant, I'd fully planned to have her off bottles and out of the crib before her sister was born. Our older daughter ended up getting quite sick and ending the bottles/crib never ended up happening. Two in diapers, bottles and cribs ended up not being the end of the world and it gave my older daughter much-needed continuity. Be flexible and go easy on yourself and your toddler.
Agree w/Nellymom -- same situation, my son was 22 months old when he became a big brother. In a way, it's great timing because they understand so little and aren't terribly miffed by the whole sibling addition. We did, however, make a "book" for my son about a month before the baby was born (email me if you want a template) that had pictures of him, and of a new baby, of the hospital and basically said he was going to be a big brother and that his life would otherwise continue as normal. We just printed it on a color printer and put it in a 3-ring binder in sheet protectors. He really liked it; who knows how much he understood. We also had the baby get my son a present that he gave him in the hospital.
Our son is 2 and we are expecting our second. He absolutely loves the Mr. Roger's book: The New Baby which we found at our local library. It really helps us talk about it with him. When our son was 10 months, his baby cousin was born and we got him a little baby doll to practice being gentle with a baby. It really helped once the little on was around all of the time! Good luck!
Our boys are 22 months apart. #1 knew there was a baby in Mama's tummy, we involved him in getting ready for the baby, read books, talked about babies, bought him a baby, and gave him gifts from #2 when he came to the hospital to see us.. Despite all of this it was still a shock to him when #2 came home and he realized the baby was staying with us. My best advice is to give as much attention to your #1 after the baby arrives (and get help from those who offer), I think trying to keep #1 on some type of familiar schedule helps too. Going from 1 to 2 was harder than I thought it would be (but so worth it.) Good luck to you. It really is a joy to see siblings grow and play together.
I agree with NellyMom and Taishan1. Our son was 20 months when our Number Two was born. Our toddler knew about babies and was kinda into them, but much preparation wouldn't have made a difference since sometimes the idea of family growth is hard to grasp. He did great with the transition though (we are four months into being a family of four). We made a point to spend extra special time with just him every day. We talk about being gentle with the baby (which is still the hardest lesson for him atm). And I would say that he's still grasping the major change. So know that your daughter will take a while to process, but overall I'm sure she'll do great.
My daughter was 2.5 when my son was born. We tried to explain what was going to happen (we read books and pointed out other friends with baby siblings), but at this age, they really don't understand. My biggest tip for you is keep your daughter's routine the same. My MIL visited when the baby came and we decided to keep my daughter home from preschool so she could enjoy time with grandma. She kind of lost her mind for a week- tantrums, no naps, attempts to change her own diaper- it was rough- and it made sleep-deprived hormonally-imbalanced me think I had made a terrible mistake by having a second child. The next week we sent her to school and she went right back to her normal sweet self. I think she really needed to have that consistency and her space to do her own, normal, thing. The good news is she was always gentle with the baby (without much instruction on that) and never directed her anger at him. From my own experience and watching friends, I do think that toddler girls grasp the whole "be gentle with the baby" thing pretty easily. In a few months, when my son became more interactive, they both fell in love with each other. Now, at 5 and 2.5, they have moments of strife, but mostly they are the best of friends. Now if I can just teach my toddler boy to be gentle with his big sister . . .
PS- our favorite book was I'm a Big Sister by Joanna Cole. So many of the new baby books have the main character upset that the baby is coming until they learn it's going to be ok. I like that this one was positive from the beginning. There is no need to teach the kid negative feelings that she does not necessarily have. But, again, my daughter did not really understand before hand- we enjoyed reading the book much more after the baby was born.
My children are 19 months apart in age. And I'm going to echo what the others said about keeping routines as normal as possible... the key is that you will always love them both, and that the older child doesn't feel any interruption in how life is... Our baby girl is now four (4) months old, and it has been VERY smooth. Our son knows that the baby is his, as a member of the family, and the only thing he's really had to learn is "Wait" when it comes to something that I have to help with.... While on maternity leave, I kept him at day care two (2) days a week (as opposed to his normal five), knowing that he'd be back at five (5) days when my leave was up. So while we weren't as punctual at drop off in the morning, I would wait until my husband got home from work to stay with the baby and I'd pick him up for a little extra "Mommy and me" time so that we could sing songs, and practice words etc before we got home. Every morning he makes a big fuss out of getting to hug her when he goes in her room, but it's a happy "Baby sister!" when I tell him to wait while I change her diaper before the hug. It's been great, and we are very very blessed.
Instead of a baby shower our friends hosted a "Big Brother" shower that was focused around our son. It had his favorite snacks, a pinata and he got a few gifts that were baby toys to play with the soon-to-arrive little brother. He felt really special instead of feeling left out. He wasn't very interested in talking about the baby -- until the birth and then it was like a light switch turned on and he became a great helper with the baby. They are 4.5 years apart which probably helps.
My older child was 27 months old when my younger was born, which is developmentally a whole different world. She understood the whole concept of the baby coming and to some degree timing. The only thing I really did was to avoid and discourage others from talking about how fun it would be to have a sibling, which is really false advertising. Instead we talked about how babies cry, need quiet, need gentle touching, need a lot of attention, and how they can play when they grow up.
Here’s my big tip: We reviewed the timeline daily as my due date approached: Grandparents would come and stay with her, her parents would go to the hospital, grandparents would take her to visit us and new baby at the hospital then take her back home, then we’d come home and would all be home together. That last point is key! We originally just said her grandparents would watch her while we went to the hospital and later learned that she thought she’d stay with grandparents forever while we started a new family with the baby. Oops!
Great post! I would also love to see a post about how you prepare an older child, or how you prepare a child for adoption of a sibling.
Our son is 5yo. My husband and I always planned to have one child, then adopt one, and planned for a 3-5 year difference in age between siblings. When our son was about 4yo he began asking in earnest for a little brother or sister, so we started the adopting process by having court-approved home-study, hiring an adoption attorney, and searching for a potential birth mother. We began to talk about adoption, how a baby will someday "pick us," and what babies need (love, attention, cuddling, gentleness). Luckily, he has ADORED babies since he was big enough to notice they were littler than him, and he asks nearly daily when a baby will "pick us."
However, because our son becomes so attached so quickly to other children, and because birthparents can change their mind about placing a baby for adoption up to 72 hours (3 days) after the birth while the baby remains in the hospital, we decided that if we were picked by a birthmom we would wait until after this period passes to tell him about any future sibling. We were actually picked by a birthmom last month and the baby (a girl) is due this October! We are very excited, but we are sticking to our plan about not informing him until the baby is born and the waiting period passes. We are involving him in other ways, however, by letting him help pick out a list of girl and boy names for the potential future baby. :)
My situation was slightly different in that my two are 4 years apart, but I've passed on these 3 tips to other moms and they do seems to help.
1) Make a big brother/sister box, full of items very personal to child #1-we got lots of things with his initial on, like a friend monogrammed some stripey towels with his initial, we put in some simple arts & crafts stuff to do with decorating with his initials like cardboard letters etc, plus I made him a TV pillow & blankie out of super-soft t-shirting which he still uses almost 6 years on. Plus, an 'I'm the new big brother" t shirt!
2) Get a baby doll, as near life-size as possible, and 'practice' changing diapers, feeding, burping etc. Do this with your 'little helper', all the while explaining that you're so glad they're there to help, how smart they are and what a great big brother/sister they will be.
3) Make sure that you schedule some one-on-one Mommy/Daddy + child #1 time and stick to it. Do something that's just 'yours', that the baby is too small for-go for ice-cream, go for a walk or to the library for story time, whatever.
Worked really well for us, our kids are 9 & 5 now and really really close, and baby #2's arrival and babyhood was a delight. She's a total diva now of course but you can't have everything!
You can prepare your firstborn for siblings by letting them sit a little longer in their dirty diapers, and ignore them every once and a while when they need something important.... also, tapes of screaming and crying in their bedroom at all hours of the night....
Did I leave anything out?
In all honesty though, life is a LOT cushier when there is just one, but after they get used to siblings (can take a LONG time), it will be ok. At first it's a bit of a shock. Especially if they are used to mom or dad staying home with them and now they have a needier human being in the room at all times... feeding and crying, getting more attention, pooping all the time- needing extra love and attention. Not that you throw child #1 by the wayside, but it's impossible to give all your kids 100 percent attention when you have more than one. Get past 2 kids, and good luck :) I have 3.
Our son was two and a half when his sister was born. As soon as we got home from the hospital, we all sat on the sofa and he "held" her. I think it was love at first sight! We just made a big deal of how she was his baby too and we all neede to look after her together. Also, I made sure I put him to bed as usual that night - I agree, I think it's quite important to keep as much as possible the same for the older child. So far, so good - our daughter is 10 months old now!
Since it seems the life/relationship topics aren't going to go away, Apartment Therapy should start a new section. It could be Therapy Therapy. There you go. It's even kind of catchy. And everyone will stop doing a double take to check if they accidentally clicked off AT onto some other site.
I am a mother of 4 grown children, grandmother of 2. The fact is that you can only prepare them so much for a new baby. You cannot keep things the same for them. It's not possible once a new baby comes into the house. Tell them they are going to have a new brother/sister, tell them the new baby's name, and try to let them be as involved as is appropriate for the age (choosing nursery items, helping you put baby clothes away, etc). When the baby arrives, let your older child "hold" the baby on a chair - supervised. Also, try to make sure the older child gets as much one on one attention as you are able to give them, lots of positive feedback when they do something good, and don't be surprised to see regressive behavior, as in the older child wanting to claim the new baby's toys as her own, potty training backslides, wanting a bottle/pacifier/breast when they see the baby with one. It's all normal. The best thing you can do is to try to be calm, relax and have a sense of humor about all of the inevitable pitfalls. Don't feel guilty about not spending as much time with the older child as you used to (although you probably will, like everyone else). Children are very adaptable and your older child will adjust. Just remember that if the kids are fed and changed and you actually got to take a shower, it was a very good day!
@Sepher - Ha! That's great :)
Picture books for toddlers, like the ones on this list: http://kids.smcl.org/en/node/2114.
@Sepher - Amen to that!
Whatever you do you're in great shape. I have four children and I believe the age of the introduction determines how the future relationship will go. Two and under children are usually too young to really know what's really going on and they just go with the flow. Children that are over three are usually super excited. Children that are between 2 and 3 are jealous and feel replaced.
Our daughter was 19 months when she became a big sister and she had zero interest in babies prior to that. lol So eventhough we talked about mommy having a baby in her stomach and that she was going to be an awesome big sister, she really didn't understand.
We made sure that she had her new big girl bed with new sheets and duvet cover before her brother arrived, so she wouldn't be too upset when he took over her old crib. We also gave her a gift from her baby brother in the hospital and she had her very own hospital bracelet that said, "Big Sister," which she loved. And although I didn't have an official baby shower for our son, my family got together and had an impromptu "shower" during Thanksgiving before he was due and she received several "Big Sister" gifts then too.
Still, when baby arrived, she wasn't really feeling him in the hospital, and did not appreciate the attention he received while nursing. But, she did like it when I asked her for her help with her brother because it made her feel important and of course I raved about what a great big sister she was.
I also think she kind of thought of him as a doll, so we had to have several talks about being gentle towards him. I don't think she actually saw him as fun to have around until he became more mobile and started sitting up on his own. He just didn't hold her attention for very long till then. It wasn't even because of jealousy. She just had better things to do with her toddler time I guess. lol
We have eight kids and lots of questions about introducing new siblings, some of them closer together than others... I think the most important thing is to make sure that your older child feels like they are still the main player in the party... I always make a point of sitting with them and the new baby and saying how "I am holding all my little ones and how lucky I am to have such special babies." Suddenly expecting the older child to be big is such a giant role change that it is bound to end up hurting!!! I blogged about the questions folk ask here: http://www.se7en.org.za/2009/02/11/se7en-things-people-ask-me-about-siblings
This question was raised on the NY Times parenting blog back in 2010, right before I had my second child. I found all the feedback in the comments incredibly helpful, and I always share it with friends who are expecting their second: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/20/becoming-a-family-of-four/
I think that the main thing is to never blame not being able to do something on the new baby ("I can't play now, I'm feeding/changing/etc. the baby"). Telling them ahead of time what to expect from you ("Mommy might be tired in bed for a while, but you can always visit me." "Mommy will sometimes be very busy and you may need to be patient, but I'll always have time for you." etc.) Preparing the toddler for what the baby will and will not be able to do and helping them brainstorm activities that the baby might enjoy (playing peek-a-boo, making faces, gentle tickling) seem to be some pretty sibling-building activities. Telling the baby all about their wonderful big brother or sister in his or her presence seems to be a ego boost when they need it, too. Good luck!
I was the big sister(age 3) when my sister appeared. I had moved into my own big sister room all by myself recently and had a new book to explain that babies were really good at crying, eating, messing up diapers, sleeping, and not much else. The morning after Sis appeared, I had my own brand new baby doll to take care of while Mom took care of Sis. Handy to show off for the stream of visitors. we still had bed time stories, but I could stay up "later" for my story.
I was also helping Mom by fetching burp pads and so on.
After a neighbor had a second son, I made sure to include a gift for the big brother as well as the new baby. I also asked big brother to show me baby brother and all the good stuff. He hears and sees it all, so he is an expert. :)
I don't know if this really makes a difference but I had some advice that the whole family should all bring the baby home together, i.e. the older child should not be home with one adult while someone else brings the baby home, he or she should accompany dad (or whatever friend, grandparent, etc.) as they pick up mom and baby at the hospital. It was kind of similar to advice we got about introducing the dog to the first baby (meet and greet outside). I think my son felt like he was bringing the baby home too and it wasn't all happening without his control.
At the time I read that it must be like a spouse bringing home someone new. That gave us some perspective.
Other than that I can't remember a thing... and after 25-plus years they're still living at home... sibling rivalry and all.
One really good tip I know is to have the baby "give" a gift the the older sibling when she or he arrives :) Everyone else is giving gifts to the new baby, but the baby gives a gift to the sibling.
New babies demand so much attention, but be sure to include your toddler in every day activities. I remember nursing my son and my older daughter laying her head in my lap. The three of us would sit there on the couch, all snuggled together. Such a sweet time in my life. (Now they're so big - waaaahhh.) Also, be sure to spend some alone time with her, even if it's twenty minutes reading a book. Mostly, though, you'll get into your groove soon enough and you'll notice one day that everything has just "clicked". When my son was about a week old, my daughter did ask when I was "taking him back", ha ha.
I just thought of another thing that may or may not be obvious. If there is something the baby will inherit from big sister, take it away from her now. For us, it was the crib. So, months before we needed the crib for the baby, we told my daughter that she was getting a big girl bed. We dissassembled the crib and put it away and bought the toddler a twin bed, picked out new bedding, etc. So, by the time the baby came, she barely remembered that had been her crib and never felt like the crib had been taken from her and given to her little brother.
Our kids are 27 months apart... We talked about it before hand, but most importantly I believe, we called her 'your sister Lorelai' instead of 'the baby', 'our daughter', or anything else that would deter from the fact that she was 'his'. Maybe it's just his natural temperament, but I think it instilled a great sense of responsibility in him. We also made it clear that we trusted him with her (not hovering to close when he wanted to touch her, letting him take her on his lap (sitting down on the floor, having him choose her clothes, hold her belly to prevent her from rolling around on the floor while diaper changing, etc.) More than 2 years later, he naturally shares with her, makes sure she's ok, that she has a hat on before we go out, etc. And she trusts him like crazy.
When my little sister was born, I was almost three. To make up for spending a lot of time with someone else, my mom started watching Disney movies with me when she put my sister asleep. I loved it!
My parents joke with me to this day about how un-prepared they we're with me meeting my 17 month younger brother. They talked to me, tried to get me ready. They tell the story that my dad walked me in the hospital room to my mom in bed holding him, I walked right up, smiled, said "brutzher!" ...and punched him in the face. Still haven't lived that one down!
My son was 23 months when my daughter was born. When we brought him to the hospital to meet Quinn, we had her waiting in the nursery so that Mom, Dad & Jack could go pick her out all together. And he was with us when we brought her home from the hospital. It made a huge difference that he was included in the procurement of the baby. He still talks about going to the hospital to pick out the baby.
It's going to be easier than you think! For the first few months that little one doesn't do much so you still have plenty of time for your older one to be #1. I liked to make nursing time snack time for Jack, so I would make him a snack, sit next to him in his high chair and nurse the baby. Not the most comfortable way to nurse, but Jack loved that he was eating and so was the baby. Good luck - and you'll do great! Two is WAY better than one.
I don't have a helpful comment but just wanted to say that your daughter is adorable. Oh, and I know that when my husband was little, his parents had a small gift waiting for him when they brought home his younger brother to try to make the transition feel celebratory and fun. It might be seen as bribery but my husband seems to have bonded well with his brother. Good luck.
I took my son to this cute class given by a midwife office in our area. They sang a song about bringing home baby, made "I'm a big brother!" t-shirts, and went through labour, birth and nursing using a pregnant doll (a very realistic looking one). I labored at home until about the last 40 minutes and amazingly my 2.5 year old didn't wake up. He woke up in the morning to our friend instead of us and totally accepted everything that was going on. When we asked him if he had heard mommy having the baby he shrugged and said "yup. She went UUUURRRGH!". Haha. I guess he was prepared for it from the class so he just rolled over and went back to sleep. That;s the kinda kid he is though, lots of questions and likes having the facts.
The BEST advice for me from the class was to create a snack bin. Just a rubbermaid bin or something, stocked with snacky things, juice boxes, or water bottles, raisins, cracker, and some special treats too like a lollipop or cookies. When you are stuck on the couch nursing is likely the time they will "need" your attention and suddenly be very hungry. You can then send them to the bin to choose one thing. They can bring it back to you to open and sit with you if they want. So helpful! Initially my son was always asking to go to the bin in the first few days we were home without help, but then the novelty wore off and all was good. I did the same for crafty things and dollar store toys for those "emergency" moments and made it a special treat box.
For the most part though, babies are boring. My son looked at his new baby brother a few times, but was pretty unimpressed...until he turned 6 months or so and could sit up and grab a toy that was left a little too close. Now that is a different story. They're 2 and 4 now...anyone got advice on how to prepare a MOM for that?
Yes, the single most helpful thing we did was have the baby "give" a gift to his new big brother. Weird, but it worked. Big bro came to the hospital and we had a gift bag ready for him. A big set of wood blocks. He still talks about it, a year later.
Oh, and we thought we were being so smart by moving him to his big-boy bed long before the baby arrived, so he wouldn't feel like the baby took his bed. BUT it turned out that he was NOT ready for it, and we ended up with a major hassle. I wished had just borrowed a second crib for however long we needed it (or at least converted a crib to a toddler bed, so he would feel more secure). Whoops.
Mine are 16 months apart, and honestly I think being younger and less able to "understand" what's going on it not a bad thing! Our son was curious about his little sister, but not really jealous. In the beginning my husband took him on a lot of little outings when I was at home feeding the newborn and recovering from delivery and this seemed to be a good way to ease him into his new life. The great thing about the less than 2 year age gap is that once your new baby is a toddler she will have a built-in best friend! Ours are 14 months and 30 months now and it is SO MUCH FUN to watch them play together and hug each other. Of course they fight now too, but seeing their closeness makes the tougher parts of life with 2 under 2 totally worth it :) Enjoy!
I knew I came to the right place for some advice. Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences, they are illuminating and entertaining to boot!
I just wanted to say that I found so many of these comments very helpful. I'm due with our second child in about 7 weeks and my daughter will be only be 22 months-old at that time. I've been struggling with ideas on how to introduce her to the concept of bringing home another baby and haven't been able to come up with much since she's still so young. She knows that "baby" = my growing belly, but that's about it.
We did get the book 'You're Getting A Baby Brother" by Sheila Sweeny Higginson which is very catchy and cute but, still, not sure she's making the connection so I'm sure she's going to be blind-sided when the event actually takes place.
I was wondering when to move her into a big girl bed, though, and figured we'd do it at some point later down the road after the baby's born since he will be inheriting her crib. It wasn't obvious to me that it would or could upset her, but I can totally see that now. Guess we'll be making a trip to IKEA this weekend!
Thanks again for the advice