Get an apartment, you can decorate it any way you want.

^Agree with Duane here. She who pays the mortgage/rent gets to decorate. You have a stronger leg to stand on if you are paying your fair share of the mortgage/rent and expenses. If you aren't paying at all just be thankful and appreciative that she is letting you live with her. I think it would be pretty rude to demand she redecorate, but you could kindly broach the subject of editing and see how it goes.

Do whatever you'd like in your own space, and as for the rest of the house, think of every knick knack as a reminder of how lucky you are to have a mother who is generous enough to provide you a place to live while you get yourself headed in a new direction.

Hmm... tricky one!

I think at this point, you Mom gets to make her house however she wants it. Even if you're covering half the mortgage (and that seems unlikely since you'll be at school), she is the owner, and she pays the maintenance and upkeep and insurance and all.

If she gives you a specific "space" (say, bedroom or basement), then I'd say you might ask if you can redo that space in your style - if she's not using it, that seems reasonable.

Good luck! I always say that if I got married this late in life, we'd both have to sell our places and buy a new one - ain't no way I'm letting anyone move into my house and change my stuff around. :)

It's not your house. You really don't/shouldn't have a say.

Linz...my thoughts are that you're really fortunate that your mom is willing to help you out at this time. IMO it would be inappropriate to suggest changing her decor. However, I understand how claustrophobic it feels to be amidst clutter. Perhaps if you have a room of your own to stay in you could make that a sanctuary more suited to your style. Whichever of your possessions don't fit would have to be put in storage. I experienced this briefly myself not too long ago. If I had a do-over I would not make the same choice again. It would have been better to do whatever I needed to to keep my own roof over my own head.

I would agree with Duane Hill. While your Mom's style is not yours you have to think of the sacrifices she's making by having you move back in. It's what parents do but you can't expect that she'll change her style in her house just because you're moving back.

Decorate your private space (bedroom) the way you like and leave the rest of the house alone. You're only moving back temporarily (for school) so it's not like you're stuck with her style for the rest of your life. However she will continue to live there after you leave and any changes you might make (paint, getting rid of her furniture etc) are more permanent for her.

Sorry for the lack of sympathy, it's a big change in your life to have to move back home and losing a fiancé etc but it's a change for your mom too. I'm sure she's been used to having the house to herself. She is doing you the favour not the other way around

Be grateful you have a mother that will let you move back in with her! I would be up a creek and having to find my own way if I were in your position. Plus it's not really not fair to her to say anything about the way she lives unless it's dangerous or unhealthy. It will just hurt her feelings.

Oops. I meant to type not really fair. :P It's the heat.

You are 28 and your mother has welcomed you into her home. Be grateful and keep your design opinions to yourself. And keep your room clean.

I would agree with @Duane Hill a little bit -- if that's at the top of your list for what's important right now (not judging if it is) then maybe you want to rethink living with her. I took the same step back at 27 and unemployed, and while I was none to happy about it, it's not like my mom was super pumped to have a roommate all of a sudden, either. She's lived alone, in her own space, to decorate or not decorate as she wants and was kind enough to let me in and take up half of it. So, her shabby chic bathroom and shoe pile by the door and beaded art and all the crap I'd never have in my own home wasn't really my problem. The best I did was keep things really tidy so clutter was as minimal as it could be. Which she appreciated, since her house was clean. But did I use that clash of styles as motivation to get my own place? Damn straight! But honestly, even though it's your mom, it's not like she and her home are fair game....

What everyone else said... It's not your house. You're lucky to have a supportive mother allowing you to stay with her after years of enjoying her space alone. If you don't like her stuff, best to make this living situation as short-lived as possible.

Plus do you want to take the chance that your critic of her style will hurt her feelings? If you were buying a house together then yes I would suggest talking about a compromise and merger of items but as I stated before you're only there temporarily. Do you want to hurt your mom because you might be slightly embarrassed of your temporary living situation?

You're exacty right, it's "her house."
She has generously invited you into her home while you sort out your life and return to school.
You've been an adult with (presumably) your own apartment for the past 10 years. I hope you let go of your "pet peeve", appreciate that you have a roof over your head and a mom that loves you enough to let you stay at her house.

I'm on the gratitude bus with everyone else here, but I'd like to offer some advice you might actually be able to use. I do sympathize with you, as I've had something similar occur. Moving home can be a real pride issue. As if it weren't bad enough that you've ended a major partnership, you have to leave your independent home and potentially slide back into playing the kid again.

I don't know your mom, but my guess is that if you bring this matter up to her and (kindly and non-judgmentally) admit any trepidations you may have about feeling like a grown-up with a grown-up space, she will be willing to carve out a spot for you that is solely your own (She's someone's kid too, after all). A nest within a nest. If this website tells you anything, it's the quality and personalization of the space that counts, not the size. The rest of the house is hers and is not yours to judge IMHO.

Even if she's totally unyielding and won't even allow you to have your basic Virgina Woolf things, do keep in mind that our parents don't owe us *anything* material once we're adults- including a tastefully decorated home. Your mom is making a generous concession because she loves you, so her work is more than done, and everything else is gravy. You can always use it as a catalyst to get back on your feet. In this I case I would suggest channeling your annoyance into planning and dreaming about what you will do with a space of your own when you have one. For example, you could make a nice, uncluttered Pinterest page, which will allow you to feel some order amidst the knickknacks.

Good luck!

Focus on the good stuff, most important of which is the fact you are going back to school! Channel all your energies into your studies and the delicious new future you are creating for yourself. Spend your down time on sites like AT and 'pin' decor inspiration for your future home. What a great, supportive mom you have! Cook wonderful meals for you and her. I am a 'mature' student too, I went back to school age 34 and have 2 more years until I get to live my dream of being an English teacher in the UK. Good luck to you!!

Her house, her rules.

I don't live with my mom, but every time I go to her house I want to discard all the knicknacks and clutter. But it's not my place, literally and figuratively. Think about as a temporary place that you are lucky to have to fall back on, and move out when you can. Good luck though.

You need to relax about the clutter - it's only stuff after all - and be grateful that your Mom is letting you move back in after all these years. You can ask her to move stuff out of your bedroom while you are there and use that as your "sanctuary" but all other rooms are off-limits. You can't expect your mother to turn her life upside down any more than she already is just because that's what you just did.
If you have true anxiety issues with the clutter, you might want to look for some professional help.

Gentle, people, gentle!

I'm 33 & living with my mom, so I understand what you're going through. It's cheaper than paying $2,000 per month for a studio in NYC. Far be it for me to judge you.

So, until we both reach the point where we are financially able to get our own place, talk to your mom about cutting down on the clutter if it's really a problem. I pay some of the rent & utilities so she doesn't mind me cleaning & organizing. If you're not contributing financially, you'll have to leave her things alone & decorate your own room however you like. Hope you get back on your feet soon. :)

Yes to what others said. That being said I have managed to influence my mother's taste a bit over the years (mom, why don't you get rid of that treadmill you never use and instead convert that big extra room into a guest bedroom with a queen bed so your children and their SOs actually come to stay more often?) type of thing. I would never actually criticize her taste, although we do not completely share it. She does on occasion ask my opinion on things and I try not to offend her but do offer that it is not in my taste. In the past few years she has seen the light on gigantic overstuffed furniture that does not fit her space versus smaller apartment-sized furniture, but she will never understand the minimalist thing, and thats cool because that is her prerogative.

While my sentiments are with the comment above (mother's house; her choice), I might add a slightly different perspective. If you're going to be at your mother's for any significant length of time (two, three years), maybe she'd like to de-stuff? I find in my middle-age, I have a tendency to hang on to things I really don't need, and welcome a nudge towards moving stuff out, getting rid of the clutter. Most people seem open to this, but many don't know where to start. I'd be gentle, maybe a few suggestions, maybe a couple of home makeover shows on HGTV (or many one of those awful hoarder reality shows!), and take it from there. If she doesn't go for it, then let it go. It is her house, after all.

I tend to agree with the group, but I do sympathize with you. I can't stand clutter and I think the main reason for that is because my mother was overwhelmed and unable to deal with organizing and cleaning our house when I was a kid. I wonder if you might be trying to tell us that your mom's super knick-knacky clutter is beyond her ability to manage?

Now that me and my mom are older, I sometimes visit her for a few days where I tackle a closet or room for her while I am there. It's not easy on either of us -- she gets defensive. But with love and patience, I let her know I am helping her with something she has some trouble with, and very very gently I try to get her to overcome her stuff. I know she appreciates in when we are done. It starts with a sort of "hey mom, I noticed these bags are overflowing out of the closet. I'm going to start sorting through them. Is there stuff here you want to donate to charity?" Then she will come over and we sort through the stuff together. She keeps a lot of stuff that I would not, but at least it gets sorted and put away neatly. Good luck!

I feel this quite a bit...I am 25 and in grad school and thusly living at home until I get done and secure a job that's the next step up in teaching. I moved back home after 4 years in undergrad out of town and have been able to create my own space in my room and have been able to help with the remodeling of other rooms in the house as they've been changed up. It was actually kind of fun getting involved in the planning of these changes as they were getting going and I was able to interject my different style into the house. It's also been a good way to get a sense of how to decorate my own space when I (hopefully) move out next summer. Good luck, Linz!

appreciate this time with her, be grateful she is still alive, do your room your way and keep your eyes on the future.

Since there's no acceptable way for you to ask your mom to stow her possessions, use this time to learn how to cope when life doesn't give you what you want.

I can easily imagine the horror of being engulfed in a sea of useless cheap kitsch that has no integrity, is never looked at, and serves only as an emotional barrier against emptiness. My mom's impulse was to fill every windowpane with plastic "stained glass" suncatchers and to have shelf after shelf of ornamental pitchers. She joined the thimble of the month club, seriously. Your job is to differentiate your emotions from your physical surroundings. It's just stuff. It doesn't control what goes on inside you.

I'm wondering...as a thank you to your mama for letting you back in the home, could you offer to help her clean up the place a bit? It's still overall her home and her say, but this could be a nice way for you to show gratitude for her sacrifice and hopefully pare down a bit on the clutter that stresses you out so much. Maybe have a couple of weekends to go through old items and help donate some and trash others. Of course, you would have to keep in mind that it's ultimately up to her if a) she even wants to have any sort of clean-up, and b) if she does, it's her decision what goes and what stays. Good luck!

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk through expectations at the outset ("What cleaning chores can I be responsible for around here? Will it bother you if I move the things you already have in my room? Is it ok if I put up some of my own items on the walls of my room, or even paint? Is there anything you've been meaning to fix up around here that I could help with?").

If the clutter truly bothers you and she's not willing to have you straighten things up at all, you may need to find a respite outside of the home to spend some time: the library, a coffee shop, etc.

Reading into your post a little more than some of the previous commenters have tried to do (jeez people...) I think you're faced with two problems.

First, you're a student. You obviously are going to need a place to work. Presumably, you'll have your own room and, since it sounds like this is going to be a long term arrangement, I assume you'll have some license to do what needs doing there, but as a 28 year old myself, I can't imagine packing my whole life into a single room anymore, so I imagine quarters will still be cramped. If there's not room in your bedroom for a desk - or if you simply find working and sleeping in the same space to be impossible - try to find a place in the house you can carve out as your own that won't be intrusive to your Mom's already-in-progress life. Maybe using a wardrobe will free up a walk in closet that can be come your zen work space, or perhaps there's a nook in the basement that could be brightened up with a (lot of) light and a throw rug. If that's not a possibility either...then I move to my next suggestion....

Your second problem are the shared spaces - the dining table, the kitchen counters, the end tables in the living room. I'm picturing your Mom's house sort of like I picture my Grandma's house - every time you sit down, you're afraid one wrong move will have you taking out a Hummel with an errant elbow. I'm not quite that bad, but I do tend to "live where I live" and I live alone, so there is always a book, a tv remote, a notebook, and a pen on the coffee table. It drives my boyfriend absolutely batty to come over and have "things all over", but it drives me crazy when he puts all of the stuff away and I have to search for my favorite objects the next time I want to sit down. We learned to compromise with the magic of trays.

When he sits down on the couch, he picks up the tray off of the coffee table and slides it out of his way. He is then free to survey they coffee table and make sure to set is soda down in a spot thus far unmarred by water rings (to give everything a nice even frat house appeal.) When he's done, he puts the tray back and I don't go on a whining rampage at 10 PM because I reached for the TV remote and it's not there.

Everyone is right, you're in this with her and because it is her space, there's a certain amount you're going to have to swallow, but that doesn't mean you should have to be miserable either. In my experience, living with your parents is hard enough - there's no need to make it harder by peaking your anxiety over something as silly as clutter. You're never going to like looking at it, but you can at least find an easy way to move it.

You don't. It's your mom's house, not a home you bought together and are now sharing. The boomerang generation (though you're a little too old to fit the demographic) doesn't seem to get that they are not entitled to everything and anything they want. It's your mom's house, and if you don't like it, get a job and your own apartment and move back out on your own as soon as humanly possible. Perhaps putting up with you mom's clutter will be motivation enough.

There might be some hope regarding the clutter if you can remember that everything is her call, and that since it's her house you should be helping her with her style, not trying to get her to compromise with yours.

I haven't been in this position but somewhat understand because we often stay for long visits at my in-laws, and it really is depressing trying to live surrounded by shoeboxes of old papers, peeling wallpaper, uncovered flourescent bulbs, etc...

We tried to outright "help" them in the past and it really did hurt their feelings, so I absolutely don't recommend coming off as critical or making her feel incompetent. What has helped a bit is just being a good example with our own place, and then they sometimes get motivated to follow suit with projects.

If you'll have a bedroom to control, you can be an example there, and you can always talk about your dreams for your new place and what you plan to do with it. That could open the door to talking about whether she wants to do anything while she has you around to help - so that you are doing her a favor in return for her hospitality.

If it's her house, it may be unreasonable to ask her to modify her design style for you.

Work out a compromise. Like your bedroom is off limits. The kitchen and the bathroom are communal areas and work out a sceme that works for you both.

It's going to be a bit of an adjustment but what a wonderful opportunity your mother is giving you by allowing to you go back to school. At about your age I should have went throught a break up but stayed, in some part due to the fact I couldn't imagine going back home. Well, ultimately the break up finally happened when I was 40, many miserable years later - with a child in tow and living in a country where we had moved due to his job. Hug your mom, deal with her place, and look forward to the new chapter of your life. The style in her house will not mean much in the long run. Good luck!

Like everyone else said: Her house, her style. Just be grateful she's letting you live there.

If you really want, you may offer - as a gesture - to pay for a weekly or bi-weekly cleaning service to come and clean your mom's place while you're living there. You could phrase it as a token thank you for letting you live rent-free while you study, and potentially keep paying for it after you graduate and get a job and move out, if your mom enjoys it. It's a small amount of money compared to what you'd be paying in rent, and with two of you living there and both presumably busy with work and school and whatnot, it may cut down on a lot of arguing.

Let it go. It is not the most important thing here. Focus on being grateful for and loving your mom.

Also, when I was single and in school I spent very, very little time at my place of residence. You'll make friends; you'll find places to study, and you'll rarely be there :).

Why do you assume you get to redecorate your mother's house in any capacity? If you have your own bedroom there, then go to town, but otherwise, store your things somewhere until you have your own place.

Mom's house, mom's rules.

It's her house. You're moving in with her. Hopefully you will have your own room that you may decorate as little or as much as you'd like. Until you have your own space, don't go tryin' to change yo' mama. Respect her space as you would want to be respected if it were the reverse.

A few thoughts -

I agree that you can't move into the house and get rid of your mom's stuff. However, I don't think anyone has mentioned this but there's a difference between clutter and hoarding. If your mom is a hoarder that's a totally different conversation. I grew up in that and didn't realize it was what it was until years later.

If it's just clutter, it's fair to ask that your space be your space. At 28, and coming out of a relationship, you need space to start over. You're an adult moving home which will bring it's own stresses. Adding onto that the pressure of starting school and the emotional stress of your break up you need a space to call your own. Your mom will understand that.

Give it some time and maybe your mom will be interested in help organizing or decluttering. But it may just be her style of decorating.

I'd have to agree! If she gives you your own room, make it your own little haven, but the rest o' the house is moms. Think of it in the opposite, if she came to live with you.... would you want her telling you it's time to get rid of the modern look? Ha! No way. Just fix up your room, save your cash, and check out apt listings every day :)

Don't see a thing wrong with decorating your room however you feel like even if it means putting some of her things into storage. Beyond that, it's her house now. You've been away for sometime and essentially have lost your vote in how her home looks. Go easy. Keep focused on why you are there and make the most of having something to fall back on.

Instead of fretting over decor, you should be more concerned about what time your curfew will be ;)

Agree with above comments, but here's another suggestion.

My parents' home has been pretty cluttery at times, but I know my mom would love the chance to have help to change that. If I were going to be there, I'd say "hey, while I'm here, are there any projects around the house you'd like help with?" and see where it goes from there. You can't force anything, it's not your space, but you could see if there are changes she wants to make and doesn't know how or where to start.

Additionally, if you get a chance to carve out your own space within her house, as others have said, if your mom complements or seems to like it, let her know you'd be happy to help her redecorate the rest of her space while you're there (or some of her other spaces...).

Never feel like you are taking a step back...think of it as a step forward in the RIGHT direction. I did the same at the age of 30 and never looked back. Haven't been this happy in a long time. Good luck!

As a woman who is probably about the same age as your mother, and as someone who is a bit of a clutter bug herself, I would advise that you not offer to "help" your mom get rid of her "stuff". If I had an adult child or other relative come and live with me, and that person took it upon him or herself to "fix" the way I live, that person would be told to find lodging elsewhere. Pronto.

Now, of she asks you clean out the garage or sort through a closet...do it uncomplainingly.

It's her home and you are living in it. She gets to pick the style(s) she wants.

If you don't like it, get a rental.

I am with the majority here. Its her house. You dont have any say as long as its not a hoarding situation. I suggest you sit down with your mom when you first get there and set some boundaries for you both.

As far as clutter bothering you....Stop and think how lucky you are. You still have a mom that has not been taken away by something horrible like cancer. She is still there for you to come home to. Mark my words, when that woman is gone you will miss every part of her home. Every nick-nack every cross stitch and craft. When its all gone you want nothing more than it all back. So put the OCD away and just enjoy being home. It wont be there forever and one day you will miss every part of it.

Though I did not read all the replies....I just have to say how happy I am with the advice given here. The first thing I thought of was..."Whose house is this...?" All the posters at the top said exactly what I had first thought and I am amazed that so many of you had such good sense! (Reading the news, I often wonder where that good sense has gone in this world and now I see it's here at apartmenttherapy.com) I am thrilled to know it is alive and well in the world!! Thanks to you all, you've made my dayyyy! okay, YEAR! :D

And to the girl who asked the question, please take this advice from everyone...your life will be MUCH easier and you have a great mom to help you out like this...know this and cherish it. xoxo

(One thing that I have learned in life is to listen to people who are older than you...we have no agenda and we have lived through a lot of life and our wisdom is given to you only with good intentions so that you will learn from our mistakes and we can help your life to be more peaceful and calm.)

Good luck to you ! xoxo

Be well...

Nancy

I can definitely empathize with the clutter issue as my own mother is a very messy clutter bug whereas I am a daily-purging organization freak. As far as the decorative style of the house goes, I agree with the rest of the commenters that it's not really up to you as to how the house is decorated. It's her house, she's lettting you stay there. If the "clutter" is her choice of knick knacks and decoration, suck it up and use it as motivation to get done with school and out of there as quickly as possible.

However, if the clutter is actual mess (junk mail piles, laundry baskets with clothes and whatnot needing to be put away, etc.) then that is something to address. It is a hindrance to your success in school to come home to chaos every day and then try to study in that environment. I would sit down with your mom and discuss ways that you want to help her get organized and allot a weekend for you both to tackle the messes (this may take more than one weekend, depending on the mess). If she's anything like my mom, this can be a difficult process to get started because often clutter bugs are pack rats that have a hard time throwing things away. But be patient and work with her. Once things are nice and organized, she may start clearing out some of those annoying tchotchkes on her own to keep the momentum going.

As with renters, it's not your own home, so don't go making any major changes. Keep your own room clutter free so you have somewhere to retreat to if you feel overwhelmed, help clean communal areas, and offer to pay for things. Don't upset your mum.

Everyone else has pretty much covered the fact that it's not your house, haha. (I really do get where you're coming from, my parents' house is always messy and they never fix stuff that breaks so it's really not a relaxing place to be.)

Aside from being willing to clean and pick up anything that's actually out of place, I would probably just focus on not having to spend much time there if it stresses you out. Since you're going to be a student there should be plenty of less distracting places you could study on campus... add that to classes, social activities, and (I'm guessing) a job, and how often will you even be home?

I know it will probably be a challenge fitting your whole life into one bedroom, but as everyone else said, try to keep your own space clutter-free. Use closed storage and try to make it restful. Put a TV in your room if you don't like hanging out in the living room (or if you and your mother don't watch the same shows.)

If you're bringing more than a bedroom's worth of stuff, maybe you *could* do a little redecorating as you're adding your things into the mix. Have a nice chair that would look cute in the living room? Maybe you could arrange and reorganize that space. Need to add a bookshelf that holds your school stuff? You'd be surprised how much arranging knick-knacks with books on a bookshelf instead of in rows on every mantel and windowsill can help with the overall feel of the room, and your mom might not mind if you're doing it to make your own things fit in with the space.

I have the opposite..I moved in my 77 year old mother on a temporary basis until she can find a senior housing. I am 55 years old.
I have ENCOURAGED her to decorate her room any way she likes. She a bird lover and oh yes, there are birds tacked to everything. I've coverd lamp shades in pretty fabric with birds for her and by luck, I found 2 cute bedrooms lamps where the base is a bird and she just flipped when she saw them. I'm the one that has gone out and searched for cute 'bird items' for her room. I want my mom to feel welcome but she also knows, the rest of the house if mine and she has never, ever attempted to re-decorate my home. I agree with everyone else; her house, her rules and you are truly lucky to have a mom that is welcoing you back. Not many do..

I agree with everyone that it is her house. However, depending on her and the house you could suggest some minor changes. Suggest is the key point. I would primarily look if there are any unorganized parts of the house or funiture that really has seen better days and maybe nicely suggest to organize, declutter a little or replace/restore a piece. However, it really should be something that she herself is not 100% happy but maybe never really bothered to replace. If its stuff she loves there's no way you can change that. But many people have some things/situations they just live with so in this parts you might be able to change something. But always, be tactful and carefull and respect her wishes! Good luck!

I would go live in the woods before I'd live with my mother again.

As everyone else said, it isn't your place to say anything about decor.

I'd give anything to have just 10 minutes back with my mother...in her Hummel-filled house.

If you can keep your room the way you'd like, and do MORE than your fair share of cleaning, you'll be fine. And try to remember her generosity when she may need to stay with you later in life. Hopefully you'll put some shelves in her room for her knick-knacks.

Have one room in the house which is yours. Keep it exactly to your tastes and compromise nothing. As for the rest of the house, leave it be.

My son is nearly your age. If he were living here and telling me how to decorate my house, I'd invite him to find his own place.

In your position, I wouldn't dream of saying anything to my mother. I wouldn't even insist I have "space decorated to suit my taste." You're going to be a student, so study.

Did that at about that age, myself. Mom's house, mom's rules. I moved the very SECOND I could afford to. (It can be highly motivating!)

OK, I will be the lone voice here. She invited you to live we her, so she now has a housemate and should consider how her things affect others. (Just as anyone would if they lived with a partner, spouse, housemate, younger children, ect.) If she loves you, she would probably not want you to be miserable in your own home (because, yes, it is now your home, too.)

How you approach her about it is another matter, depending on her temperature, how she feels about change, and her attachment to things in general. You may offer to help her tidy, or you may ask if she can make room for some of your own things in the common parts of the house. Or, you can leave some magazines lying around on the off chance she'll be inspired to do something different.

First off, I have to say I had to register after reading all of your comments on this topic, which I found very inspiring and helpful. Nice to see all the love and respect towards that one person we can always count on!

Linz, I know times are tough now. The anxiety and stress you may be experiencing at this time might make you funnel some of the frustrations into the form of your pet peeve(s).

If I were you:
1) I'd be relieved to be out of a relationship before I wasted too much of my precious time with someone I was not a match with. I'd take good notes of the lessons learned and use them to find the perfect (or quasi perfect) partner for myself. I'm sure you'll find lots of suitors in your new surroundings! :) Don't close yourself, don't change your essence, don't deprive others from the chance to see the real you . . . and the chance to love you and be loved by you!
2) As many others pointed out, I'd let my mom have her things the way she likes them. She has lived long enough on her own and is used to having her things her way. It would probably drive me a bit crazy, if I were spending lots of time at home with her but . . . you are going to university and are going to have a very busy lifestyle anyway. Even if you chipped in financially, it is ultimately her house and you will still be a temporary guest. I would definitely not let any roommate change my place around because they were renting a room from me! I have to say, when my friends come over for dinner and offer to wash/put away the dishes, it drives me insane the next day if I cannot find a cooking tool where it's meant to be - or I find a dish that doesn't pass my quality control because I'm a clean freak!
3) If I found my room to be occupied (or maybe decorated) with my mom's stuff, I'd kindly ask if I could put all those things in storage for her in order to make room for all my things - winter clothes and schooling items can take A WHOLE LOT of space. I would probably try a: "Mom, you think I could move some stuff out of my room to make space for my things? Would you like me to put them somewhere else, or I could pack them up and put them in storage until I leave?" If she chooses to put them somewhere else in her house, then it would give me an opportunity to suggest helping her sort out certain areas on certain dates to "make room" for these things. It is essential though, that the one making the decisions is her, kind of like coaching her without her noticing!
4) If I could not concentrate because of my surroundings, I'd have to find alternate places for studying.
5) I'd make sure I helped her with chores to ease the burden AND would make sure to do much more than my fair share, after all, she did a lot for me when I was under her care - and I'm not a child anymore. This would also give me an opportunity to go through (i.e.) old photo albums, help her sort them out and maybe, maybe sneak a style attack on her without raising any flags of suspicion! ;)
6) If there was a make-over program that I enjoyed, I'd definitely try to get her hooked! Think of it as a challenge to get people do things you want them to do by leading them to make that decision without them noticing! You can show others where the water is (and maybe drink yourself a bit and even say how refreshing and delicious it is), but you can't force them to drink it . . .
7) ABOVE ALL, I'd try my very, very best never to offend my mom. That's not something I'd want to live with. I am aware that one day she'll leave this world and it would be sooo hard on me and my brother (we are reaching our forties already) . . . so, if I do anything that would hurt her or offend her, I'd make sure to make up for it. This is the reason why I keep most of my judgements to myself (out of respect, when it comes to my mom, because I am not generally shy to dish out my opinions) and offer advice on what I deem absolutely necessary. I think this is one of those instances in which one should count to 1,000 before speaking our minds and saying something we might later regret.
8) I would discuss curfew FOR SURE!!!
9) And yes, there will be LOTS of sacrifice AND patience involved (in this case from your part) but she'll be compromising as well, let's not forget about that!
10) I have to clarify, my mom (who is 73yo and very conservative) is not the easiest person to be around, but she tries her best to improve everyday and she deserves big kudos for that! I'm sure your mom is awesome too!

BONUS: You will be well fed - don't forget to exercise!

P.S.: And I would never feel bad for having these reservations about my mom cramming my style . . . I'm only human and she still (thank goodness) loves me! :D

Good luck and best wishes! :D

fuzzyEgg most times, not always, being "the lone voice" means you are wrong. An invitation to stay in someone's home is not a reasonable excuse for anyone to think that it is now their home and that they should have say in how it is decorated. That is not reasonable or logical when one considers ownership.

"Have one room in the house which is yours. Keep it exactly to your tastes and compromise nothing. As for the rest of the house, leave it be"

That's not reasonable either. The adult daughter does not own the home or the room that she will be staying in.

If your mother's house is clutterific and clutter is one of your pet peeves, I don't see how this is going to work. Since you are a guest (yes, a guest) in your mother's home, you don't have a say in decoration but you will become fed up with the situation sooner rather than later. Is living with Mom really your only option? Can you not find any sort of housing assistance through your school, e.g., become an RA, etc? Failing that, you may just have to accept the status quo for the time being.

the question seems more to be about the technical issue of merging two styles and not about how to gently break it to your mom that you don't like her style without being ungrateful... to offer some advice, i would say you can try to keep her stuff but maybe hide or highlight them. clutter lining shelves can be covered by adding doors or putting up curtains so that everything can be displayed or reached when needed but still hidden when something more minimal is desired. you could also try asking her if she wants to go through some of the knick knacks that don't have sentimental meaning to her or maybe more tactfully try choosing a couple of items you both like and displaying them more prominently as artwork or tell her that they are enhanced by creating a focal point around them. creative storage/arrangement may also help if there are things that can be organized out of sight into decorative bins or baskets.....

and if all else fails you can try making your private rooms to your style and maybe nicely and tactfully ask your mom to compromise on some of the more communal clutter-tastic areas if you help her make other rooms in the house specifically in mind for her. like if she likes to sew and the house is shrewn with sewing things, try to group things and dedicate one area to display and house all of her things more efficiently for her. you will succeed in making your mom somewhere special for her, letting her know you love and appreciate her, and getting some of the clutter out of other areas of the house.

With all that's going on in her life, her higest priority is to focus on her mother's clutter? She is 28, without an education - and her response is to whine about trinkets and ask help so she can make demands on her mother? Maybe she needs to figure out what SHE needs to do to ensure that they'll be able to live together successfully until she finishes school.

I'm SO GLAD I don't live with some of you commenters.
She didn't ask for your personal (and quite judgmental) opinions about her life. She asked about style/design...you know the entire theme of this website?

Linz - Here is some advice in regard to the ACTUAL question you asked: talk to your Mom.

You know her best, you know what will and won't upset her. I too moved back home after life gave me lemons and I (gently while being quite appreciative for being given my old room back) pointed out to my Mom that she could tweak a few things and give the place a calmer feeling. I personally updated some of her furniture (after discussing it with her first) and after those few changes she was willing to admit that she had been holding on to things that lacked function & were unnecessarily. The small home projects became something fun we could do together.

If she isn't receptive to what you're saying then you've got to respect that. Take the space she's given you and turn it into your own personal paradise. And remember that this too shall pass.

BEST WISHES!!! <3

Do your room the way you want and leave the rest of the house alone. Its your mother's house and you have to respect that.

Like everybody else I'm going to say, her house, her rules, her stuff. You have nothing to say about it, just consider yourself lucky she lets you move in with her.

This being said, if you start by already worrying about "her clutter" before moving back in, living there won't be a piece of cake for the two of you. For all you know she might relish her independence and she will have to adjust to having someone living permanently at her place. The last thing she needs is you to come and ask her to make adjustments to please you.
If there's a possibility for you to get a part-time job and move in with some roommates elsewhere soon, that would be saner for your relationship with your mother (and hers with you).

If not, make the best of it, help her clean the house regularly, help her with grocery shopping, cooking, as a way to repay her for her hospitality. Take advantage to get to know her better as an adult, not as "your mom". Ask her questions about her childhood, her parents, her favorite foods, learn how to cook them. Do things with her (hiking, whatever), take her out to things she might enjoy (movies, music) but might feel too timid to do on her own.
One day she won't be here anymore and you will feel sorry to have felt so judgmental about her decorating taste.

Everyone has their own style for their own home. If you don't like living there then don't move there, this is your Mother we are talking about, she has the right to have her home the way she wants it. If it was a partner you were planning to move in with then yes negotiation to fuse two different styles would be required.

Have you thought that she may not particularly like have at 28 year old child cluttering up her home, once you leave home to set up a life independently you traditionally only come back to visit not move in.

JOnathan

Now, back to the actual topic...
Many people struggle with being able to work effectively in clutter. Great idea to be proactive in thinking through the best way for you to manage in that environment. When I was a consultant I did not always have the best work areas. I would find a space at a table and clear a useable section. I would organize the other "stuff" on the table into groups like a little fortress around my work area. Somehow, having everything pushed together as a group made it more like furniture and less like chaotic miscellaneous items. The same concept works with sleeping spaces (I have slept in boarder-line "hoarder" homes). Group items together to make them more like a single item rather having the visual distraction of multiple separate things to process. Only do this in areas you are in alone and are actively using to avoid seeming rude. You can put the items back each time you finish using a space (out of courtesy). Get creative with the concept. For me it is usually just about calming down the visual stimulation. I also spend a lot of time outside or at the library. :-)

You pose a very interesting question: How do you modify an environment temporarily (for example, a work space you share) to make it work for your needs? I hope others will weigh in on their personal strategies.

P.S. Off topic for a minute but... CONGRATULATIONS... for NOT marrying someone just to make your current living situation seemingly easier... for going back to school to further your education... for being brave enough to change course and chart a new future for yourself. Back to topic now.

I agree with everybody here. If you want/expect your mom to respect your design decisions in your own place later, you have to respect hers now.

I sympathise with your anxiety about clutter. I recently had to move back in with my mum for 5 weeks while I was between jobs and apartments. I found it helpful to start with purging my own belongings and establishing my own breathing space. I had brought a huge amount of stuff with me, as well as the boxes of storage from when I first moved out.
After she saw how much I culled of my own belongings and reduced my storage to just one box, she was asking me to take away the old heaters and fans that don't work any more, and the kitchen appliances that are broken and cant be fixed etc.
You can always try balancing a bit of a purge with fixing loved items too. Like fixing broken door hinges, replacing a frayed cable on a favourite lamp etc. let her know her home is loved and cared for.

I'm 49, so definitely old enough to be the OP's mother.

One thing that strikes me as I read this forum is that the younger people (20-somethings, shall we say) often strike a tone that assumes THEIR style choices are correct and based on cutting-edge style knowledge, and that those of older folks are based on nothing: no trends, no looking at magazines, no careful thought about the space.

I am watching "The Dick Van Dyke" show on Netflix right now, and it keeps striking me how much the couches and dining areas on that show (1961) look like the interiors posted on AT. Wall murals, MCM furniture, egg-like dining chairs, etc.. Before that period, the furniture was not in style, and after that period, it was out of style for a long, long time. (The public school where I teach still has some orange furniture from the 70s... and it looked very shabby and low-class for a decade or two until orange came back in!)

For me, it's very hard to re-embrace the 70s. It was a tasteless and tacky decade, from furniture to clothing. Girls, really - tube tops again!? And maxi dresses?! (They make me think of the illustrations on the vintage tampon dispensers in my smoke-filled high school girls' room!) But, as I'm exposed to this stuff longer and longer, it begins to look "normal" again, and so goes life.

The mother of the OP was in her 20s once, and probably made her fashion choices in direct contradiction to everything HER mother had believed was stylish. I daresay that a lot of people would find her mother's style charming and sweet - and the daughter's style harsh and scanty. And I know it shakes your brains to hear it, hipsters, but your MCM-minimalist-FYNCT styles are going to look dated and tired in 10 - 15 years. And in 30 years, your children are going to look askance at your decorating tastes, which were forged in your intense youth.

Linz is certainly not alone in this situation, and I hope can take heart from this. Here in Europe (I live in southern France) there are regular reports on TV of young people (and sometimes entire families) in Spain, Italy, Portugal, Greece moving back to live with their parents, having lost their job and sometimes their home as a result. It is clearly a traumatic experience but hopefully is temporary. Going back to university (college) is a great challenge, I did two masters degrees very late in life. Look at the positives if you can and your new challenges, new friends, new opportunities. Bon courage!

I can totally relate, Linz. I moved back in with my parents at 25 in order to start a new career. Some of the people posting are really harsh- it's not easy to take this step, whether it be back, as you see it, or forward, as you will in the future! Better to live at home and not incur debt!

But the home decor thing... I was right there with you. My advice is similar to many here: make your room your sanctuary and the rest of the house motivation to push you toward your goal. Go Pinterest crazy "decorating" your future apartment/home. Good luck!

idkmybffjas - Thank You very much, out of all the comments, your comment was most useful.

Everyone - I believe I should have explained further. She does not own the house, it is a rental, I will be paying for half of rent and utilities. As I do and will continue to work 40-60 hours a week and go to school at night (and online courses). I was asking about style/design questions on how she could keep her knick knacks but perhaps ideas for displaying them instead of them being scattered everywhere. Also very big note to point out, my mother asked me to move in with her to help both of us out as she is having difficultly paying for everything in this economy and I agreed as along as I could continue my plans to return to school. Also to be frank....I am more of a house keeper then my mother. XDD

Also I do appreciate the comments, I just don't appreciate being judged and attacked about my life choices, when I asked about design and style cohesion ideas.

Linzfae - excellent clarification. So, in this situation, it's more that you and your mother will be roommates, sharing housing expenses. In which case, IMO, you do get some say on decorating. Theoretically.

But, mother-daughter relationships being what they are, I'm not sure it will ever play out in a "we're fun roommates of different ages" scenario. The ties and links and history sitting there are tricky and treacherous.

Best of luck. It could end up being a really treasured time. I moved into my old bedroom at 25 or so, when I got a teaching job right near my parents' house. It was really nice coming home and having us all talk about our work day, as adults. And I socked away tons of money!

I do remember one particular conversation, though, when I said something like, "It's hard moving back in with your parents after you've been on your own," and my mother looked at me and said, "It's hard for YOU!?" That was my first adult realization that maybe it wasn't always delightful and joyful for parents to have their children living that closely with them. :)

Learn to meditate and work on getting yourself in a position to enjoy your taste in your own space.

@Linz, you can tell from the overwhelmingly harsh comments which demographic most AT members fall into. Some have good points, but most are expressing them poorly, and many are projecting like crazy. I would really recommend asking on another forum with demographics that aren't as skewed -- and please include the relevant facts from your update!

Since it's your mother's house, you have to respect her style. But... There are a couple of things you can do, so that you can both feel comfortable.
The first (if your mother agrees) is to decorate your bedroom with your style.
The second is to place all your mother's many and little things in a different way: group them. That way, your mother still keeps all her stuff . You will have the feeling that the stuff are fewer because you will be looking at fewer groups and not many individual stuff. In order to convince her, suggest that you will make changes in only one self (a test self). If she likes it, you will continue with the rest of the house, if not, you will place all her stuff the way they were before.

If she's been living in the house for awhile, there's probably not much hope of being able to redecorate anything because everything's already there. Keep your room how you like it and figure out a place you can go to for some away time, like a gym or yoga studio or something, when you need to escape.

@Linzfae: Based on the incomplete information in your original question, and your choice of words, "taking a step back in life... moving back to live with my mother", I assumed that you were moving back to the family home, in which case your 'pet peeve' did seem petty and ungrateful. As it is, I would still advise you to just keep your own room tidy and minimalist. Facilitate tidiness in communal areas by having designated storage, and think carefully about how you will use the space, and optimal furniture arrangement BEFORE moving in. Other than that, I would try to keep the peace and turn a blind eye as this is only a temporary situation for both of you.

My condolences to you regarding the break-up. Even if it is for the best, that doesn't make it easy. It can feel like you're losing a part of yourself when you reach the end of a relationship and had to uproot your life AND feel like you can't even control the space you live in. I can relate to the desire to hang on to my voice, so to speak. I know it is a process, and it will likely take a year before most of the sting is gone.

Since you and your mother are helping each other out, I'm sure some discussions could lead to an appropriate compromise. It can be hard to harmonize a more minimal aesthetic with one that favors "coziness" (I prefer minimal myself). But who knows... until a conversation happens there's no way of knowing just how agreeable she might be to getting rid of (even selling) some of her extra items. The decluttering might be refreshing for her.

"The Joy of Less" by Francine Jay is a great book that talks about decluttering in the most minor or major way that suits you personally. Everyone feels better when they release themselves from stuff that burdens them... even actual tangible stuff! Good luck to you.

Have you had a conversation about this with your mother? It's tough if you are moving into a space she has already been living in for a while. Doesn't matter if it is owned or rented, the fact is that for almost anyone, no matter how happy she is to be living with you, it will feel like an invasion. Middle-aged women (a group which includes me) enjoy having their own space, and are usually pretty set in their ways, no matter how open-minded they are. We've lived long enough to know what we like and what works best for us and our lifestyle. It is important for you to keep this in mind. For your mom to need a roommate and share expenses with her own daughter out of necessity, it most likely also feels like a big step back for her. Please be sensitive to that, because you know that for you this is temporary, and that you have many years ahead to rebuild, it is harder to feel that way when you are approaching 50.

But if you both view this as mutually beneficial, then you need to have some serious conversations before your move in, just as you would with any other potential roommate, conversations that go way beyond decorating. How will the finances work? Food sharing? Chores? Utilities? Laundry? Having friends over? Drinking/smoking? Overnight guests? (Especially those who will be in your bed!) Pets? What are your expectations of one another as far as communicating when you'll be home? Will she (or you) think suddenly you're going to want to eat or hang out together all the time? If not, then how much interaction will be expected? If either of you decide it is not working, who will be the one to move and what are your obligations to one another?

It is hard to break out of parent-child roles, no matter how much you want to. It is important that you can communicate well and that no one falls back into old habits. Don't take anything for granted at all. Lay it all on the table BEFORE you move in.

As far as decorating specifically, you should tell her that one of your concerns about living together is that, while you love visiting her home and seeing all the things that mean so much to her, you would also feel stressed and distracted by so many knick-knacks and keepsakes around. Then ask her how she thinks the two of you could create a home environment that is comfortable for the both of you. See what she says and let the conversation begin.

Without specifics, no one here can advise you are combining two styles that are basically diametrically opposed. But really it's about the communication, isn't it? If you can't talk about this now, before you move in, when there is no conflict, how will you work with it when you are already there and you're stressed and irritable and feel trapped? As much of a problem solver this is for the two of you on one level, it is bringing with it a whole slew of issues that need to be addressed before either of you make a final decision.

Kind of a late comment, but my husband and I just moved in with my dad and went through a similar experience. Here are some tips from the trenches:

1. Be gentle with each other. It's not easy for either party to be losing her personal space. If you miss being able to walk around the kitchen in your underwear, your mom probably does, too.

2. Pretend you're Maxwell, or Niecy Nash, and make function suggestions, and then let your mom make the design choices. As long as you've got a clean and clear space to sit down and eat a meal, for example, you can let her choose the style and color of the table. That way, your mom can still feel at least a little like the adult/boss/decision-maker (this is part of #1, above).

3. Your mom probably has more stuff than you do, like figurines and books on shelves. In common areas, you could try styling her stuff. Even though you probably would rather throw that crap away, try styling it the best you can like you're arranging it for an Apartment Therapy photo shoot. That way, her stuff is still there for her, and you can live with the look of it (hopefully!).

4. Try designating certain spaces where she can display her stuff, and spaces where you can agree to keep clear. For example, display stuff on shelves and mantles, but keep the dining table surface clear of things at all times when not in use.

Good luck!