I feel the same way. I've had all good relationships with neighbors in the past, except for this brand new one. Unfortunately I owned this place now so moving out is not really an option. He was unreasonable to me, and when I tried to calmly ask him why it bothered him, he walked away. Stubborn as I was, I tried to tell him I wanted to solve whatever that made him mad because I wanted a good relationship with my neighbor, he simply told me to stop talking and walk away while I was standing there on the verge of crying (lame I know). The point is you just have to accept that they might have other stresses in life so they are not as friendly to you as you expect. It's hard to accept it but maybe to some people, neighbors are not that important. Sigh.

Honestly, I ignore my neighbors is because I'm an introvert and find their chirpiness intrusive and annoying.

I'm shy, AND I'm deaf! I don't usually say "Hello" first, but if someone says hello to me and I see it, I will say "Hello" back. If someone waves at me, I wave back. Sometimes I wave first, but I don't usually say "Hello." I'm just shy, and if someone greets me first then tries to engage me in conversation, then I will stay and talk to them. I just can't make the first move myself, especially when I am the new kid on the block.

There's a difference between, say, a professional relationship and friendship. I try for a nodding, friendly acquaintance, and anything beyond that is gravy.

There is such a thing as seeming overfamiliar.

Neighbors don't need to be friendly to one another, but they should look out for one another. My husband and our old neighbor became good friends based on real neighborly gestures: taking a delivery for one another once in a while, or shoveling the other's walk when doing his own. I'd stop trying to strike up conversations and just bring in their garbage can for them every once in a while. If the neighbor doesn't reciprocate, or at least say thank you, then just stop. It's no loss!

I hate most of my neighbors, but I still smile and wave at them. Even if I dislike them, it's no reason to be impolite to them.

I work in retail and by the time I get home, I'm tired of smiling and being super-friendly all day. I'm not going to ignore my neighbors, but I'm not going to start a conversation either (I will smile and say hello, but that's it). I think people that ignore others or are acting in such a way that is rude, just simply turn off when they get home.

I live in a four unit complex. There is only one bully in the complex. Unfortunately his front door is a yard away from mine. He is a mean, demeaning and mental human.

It isn't you. It is your environment. You live in an apartment on top of people and these people need their space.

We just moved from the city with it's density and a sense of anonymity that comes with living in an apartment/condo building and now live in a house in a leafy well manicured neighborhood. Every neighbor has introduced himself or herself and want to chat every time they see us.

It is like night and day.

I am friendly with my neighbors, but not friends with them. I don't need to be that close with people who can watch my every move.

I say "hi" to my neighbors if it's unavoidable -- like if we make eye contact. But I don't go out of my way to do so. I don't really want to be friends with my neighbors... I feel like they already know too much about me, adding a friendship on top of it would be weird. :) So I like to keep a distance.

Ah, you must live in central NJ.
I think it might have to do with the neighborhood you're in. I live in a middle class suburb but I'm a divorced woman with a teenager. I might as early be invisible to my neighbors who are all married with younger kids. It's birds of a feather flocking together.
But if you're in an apartment or townhouse development, I have found that the best way to get to know your neighbors is to break some rules. Like, don't recycle your cardboard or leave a tool out on your front stoop or forget to close your garage door. I guarantee you'll be hearing from them.
The best advice for you is to move. Apartments aren't the best place to socializing anyway. You need a house with a front porch in a neighborhood full of front porches.
Good luck.

I think you inherit the relationship the previous owner/renter had with your neighbors. Unfortunately for me the person that owned my townhome before me was retired and very gregarious. My next place will be on a bazillion acres so I don't have to deal with neighbors.

I have a neighbor who has lived next door to me for years. He is not a chatty sort, and when I say hello, he seems like he'd rather endure a rectal exam than speak. But he plows my driveway in every snowstorm, and recently lent me his electric clippers when I decided to tackle my out of control hedges with hand clippers. It was an extremely humid day, and he took the time to show me how to use them so that I could get the job done without dismembering anything or killing passersby. So, if he doesn't care for mindless chitchat, that's fine with me. Time and again, he has helped me without my having to ask, and that, to me, is the definition of a great neighbor.

This is a little bit of my soapbox. I'm in the same boat as some in that I'm introverted and I like to be on friendly terms with my neighbors, but I also don't feel the need to speak to them Every. Day. That being said, SHARED DRIVEWAYS ARE ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. There is nowhere for you to go. There's no way to put a fence through the middle. Keep this in mind folks. Some people just feel the need to invade your privacy like it's their right, especially if they own half the driveway.

Don't worry about it. It has nothing to do with you.

@ Duane Hill - I agree. When I lived in an apartment, there was a comaraderie when all of you walked down the same street to get to the bus stop, and there was always the guy who would read in the lobby with his dog, but it wasn't really being neighborly in the way you could be in an actual neighborhood, like helping each other receive packages, keeping an eye on homes while others are away, etc. I've had more conversations with my new neighbors in 2 months than I had in the 5 years of apartment living.

I registered so I could post. Honestly, I say hi to my neighbors but that's it. I have been too naive and nice in the past and realized too late that I was trapped by overly zealous neighbors eager to rope me into TMI conversations or worse, start asking unrealistic favors ("could you let my cat into my apartment when you hear him whine day or night?".) It could be that by seeming TOO friendly your neighbors see you as being THAT neighbor who will trap them or become way too personal way too fast. Sometimes being nice can backfire and lead to some really bad boundary crossing and make you wish you had just been polite, not uber nice. If they don't make noise or have sketchy habits stick to a smile and save friendly gestures for friends.

I'm a smiler, hi-sayer, and waver. Big exceptions are my immediate neighbors to N, W, & E. We started off well enough (I've lived here 30 years, they are much newer) but for various reasons, some of which involve law enforcement (ahem!) we no longer speak. But if they were magically transported out and I received new neighbors in their place, I would start off with a smile, hi, and wave.

I honestly do not understand the glum, unresponsive, anti-social types and I am an INFP of the ye olde Myers-Briggs type. In a perfect world, neighbors should look out for each other. Dream on.

Our neighbors are quirky--for example I won't see one of them for months then he'll come over to say hi and bring us his leftovers. We've made friends with a family down the street, and I make effort to talk to our next door neighbors too. Its a very diverse neighborhood age wise, and I like that my kids get to talk to neighbors that are grandparents. Probably the most we encounter our neighbors is in the winter--when we help each other out with shoveling.

Where we live half the year everybody stays inside from the heat so there's that and then the rest of year, most people pull into their garages and close the door so...I do know a few people on our street. Not BFF's but we do wave and say hi and we always say hi when out running and passing other runners or walkers on the trails. Even just a hand up to say hey is nice I think. I'm fine with the amount of or lack of interaction. Better to keep your distance and play it safe cuz if they turn out to be a nightmare, what are you gonna do? Sell your house? Not likely these days.

I live in the country, but still have several neighbors in a little grouping. I wave at the ones on either side of me, they're all right, but we rarely talk, they think I'm a city girl (and rightly so) and I think I don't give off the chatty vibe. Prefer to ignore the ones across the street do to various...encounters. How I wish it would go is the one neighbor would stop shooting very big guns for target practice in their backyard and scaring the ever loving crap out of me when I'm out watering. The other, it would be great if she didn't assume I want to be old pals when she stumbles over into my yard completely hammered at 7pm on a Friday. The third, well, the only way that man would make me happy is if he packed up his cigarette stubs and his barking dogs and I never saw him again.

I can't imagine going back to apartment life. Even then I very rarely even saw my neighbors, and I can't think of a single one (in 10 years of renting) where we struck up a repore. Mostly I just heard them, with varying degrees of annoyance.

@KHinNJ - Why townhouses? They're not at all similar to apartments. The houses are stuck to one another, sure, but you don't have people completely surrounding you and you can still have a yard, a balcony, etc.

Borrowing an excerpt from "The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World." The Dalai Lama's words on Sense of Community (or lack of community) :
"Tibetans are always shocked to hear of situations were people are living in lose proximity, have neighbors, and they may have been your neighbors for months or even years, but you have hardly any contact with them! So you might simply greet them when you meet, but otherwise you don't know them. There is no real connection. There is no sense of community... In today's world you will sometimes find these communities or societies where there is no spirit of cooperation, no feeling of connection. They you see the widespread loneliness set in. I feel that a sense of community is so important." The book goes on to cover building the spirit of community, *relating on a basic human level, awareness. Some interesting food for thought, on depression & medication. Maybe rather than prescribe antidepressants, orders should be prescribed to say hello to those you meet & do one or two acts of kindess a day. Makes people feel more connected & better inside!
We are very close with our nearest neighbor, who is 93 and we adore. As for the others, who we may not have much in common with or be as fond of, we're always sure wave & smile. :)

I think that it really depends on where you live. I've found that southern neighbors are far friendlier than northern neighbors.

Though there always seems to be at least one non-speaking weirdo that stares no matter where I live.

It is not you. Most likely the neighbor is an introvert and does not care to be friendly. Perhaps he thinks if he talks to you, he will forever be sucked into conversation every time he sees you. If he does not cause you any problems other than not speaking, I would say he is a very good neighbor.
In my neighborhood, I am friendly but hate having to get into long conversations every time I go out for a walk. I remember one day when I was out for a walk with my dog I saw in one direction a neighbor walking their killer pitbull and in the other direction an overly chatty elderly neighbor. It was a really hard to choice to decide which way to go.

I try to say hello to all of my neighbors, even though I'm pretty shy and introverted. I don't really want to have a full conversation, but saying hello is easy. I had one neighbor whom I tried to say hello to for the entire year I have been in my building. When ever I would smile or say hello, all he would do is say nothing and give me an evil stare. I was really offended so I stopped speaking to him when I saw him.

Come to find out OVER A YEAR LATER. Apparently my dog barking while I was away from home was disturbing him and his family. (I didn't hear this from him, but the property manager). THEN, I find out last month that my alarm clock was bothering them. They left me a note on my door this time.

I've tried to fix everything, but GEEZ, if you would just tell me I could fix it. I'm not trying to bother you on purpose. All he had to do was say so instead of giving me the look of death.

I live in a rural area where people normally look out for one another but because it is New England there's also a certain amount of reserve. It's all good. But, I moved into a house last October and there's only one other house that I can see from here. It's fairly close by. A week after I moved in and had said hello to the new neighbor, we were hit by a freak snowstorm that paralyzed the region for days. No power and no way to get around since my car was in the shop when the storm ocurred. Said neighbor and I spoke once the morning after the storm when she was excoriating me for not trying to get snow off a magnolia tree in my side yard. I'd been shoveling out and simply hadn't gotten to it. I told her I had no transportation at the time. We had no power for six days. Not ONCE did she or her boyfriend, who were constantly coming and going, ask if I needed a ride to a grocery store or anything else. I hitchhiked everywhere until my car was repaired and that wasn't always easy in a super rural area. I've never spoken to her again. So much for neighbors taking care of each other. It was unusual in these parts where people have traditionally been so neighborly. Perhaps, she has a good excuse but at this point, I'm not interested in hearing about it.

@Gwendolyn - Funny you mention the difference between Southerns and Northerners because it took me a while to realize that it has nothing to do with geography, but everything to do with mentality. I've had more than a few people comment to me that being from the Northern VA, DC area, I'm a "Northerner."

I always Smile when walking by someone. Most of the time I'll say Hello. If I know the person I will say "What's up?" or "How are you doing?". I feel like this is common courtesy. If I'm having a horrible day I try not to make is show on my face. I too like to make people smile and it's difficult when coming across a grumpy encounter. I like to "kill with kindness". :)

I just moved into my apartment a month ago and everyone is so friendly it's weird. I've had people help me break down boxes when I took them outside, and where to put it. I have had people tell me the best washing machines to use. In the elevator people always wish me a good day when I leave for work in the morning.

I'm honestly not used to this much genuine happiness.

I'm the person who says hi, every time. I've gone so far as to invite all of the tenets in my new building over (tomorrow night actually) so we can at least all get to know what we all look like and maybe foster some kind of friendship. It's a small building, so there aren't so many of us that we can't really afford to be anything but polite.

I live in a senior complex and the best advice I got was to say hello and keep walking. I'm a friendly person but don't want friends. My neighbors know I'm here when they need me. That's the way I like it. I will ask if they need anything from the store, water their plants, bandage their scrapes. Some seniors are so lonely because they have no family.

I never even see my neighbors to say hi to them and I live in an apartment building. It's a little weird but it works for me. I'm not interested in more than "Hi" and a smile.

Don't take it personal. Some people have miserable lives and are just trying to make it day to day. We used to live in the city and would avoid the neighbors. I once witnessed someone next door have their apartment cleaned out with a U-Haul and assumed they were moving! :P

We moved to the country and had a terribly nosy landlord couple. They used walking their dog as an excuse to walk in our yard and look in our windows, even at night. Then they had the nerve to come and knock on our door Christmas Eve after dark! This is the country mind you. A knock on the door can be terrifying when you're used to city dwelling. We couldn't wait to get out of there. I told our new landlady the stories and she's kept a respectable distance. The landlady and the other neighbor we have are acres away and I LOVE IT!!!!!

i'd rather a quiet and unobtrusive relationship (hopefully still respectful) over a disingenuous one that makes me want to hide and avoid potential neighbors. that being said, i would return and probably initiate succinct and simple greetings...

I have lived in France for the last 10 years after 30 years in Central London, where I never even met my neighbours opposite - I mean their front door was two yards from mine.

Here in France everyone says Good Morning etc but you do this even when you walk into a shop or restaurant, it's just a general Hello to everyone. Despite this, within my French apartment complex, there is absolutely no spirit of neighbourliness - for example, people do noisy work after hours or on weekends, even though it's forbidden under the co-ownership rules. And last night someone was partying till 4.00 am, wich is strictly against French laws (punishable by fine or more) but no-one did anything to stop it. I find this streak of anarchy and selfishness worrying. At this time of year there is also a conflict between owner/occupiers and short-term holiday renters who just don't care.

I live in Boston in a very neighborly area. I know the majority of the folks on my street, and am friends with a lot of them. I love it. Yes, there are people that I only say hi to, but there are many that I have genuinely become friends with. It helps that I live in an area of the city where people tend to congregate on the stoop. Most of my friends are extremely jealous.

Friendly neighbors, friendlier dogs, and couple of courtyards go a long way to establishing a sense of community in my complex. That said....

"Perhaps you've been burned by overzealous neighbors in the past, trapped in 20-minute conversations when you're already late for work?"

There is always at least one neighbor that just won't quick talking even when you're doing the pee-pee dance. Another time I said "hi" with a smile to a maintenance guy and suddenly he's telling me about all his charity work and how much the kids love him and how much the school administrators revel in his wisdom; it took me 1/2 hour to extract myself from his flood of what-a-great-guy-I-am!

Hmn, I live in a building with three apartments. The family on the ground floor are super nice - we chat, accept parcels for each other, I bring them back candy when I go to Europe and they helped me with a computer problem. Perfect!
The other neighbours are a couple around 30, but behave like frat boys - zero regard for others. They party all the time, including charming things like smoking in the stairwell (because their apartment is non-smoking, and not just cigarettes either), and last weekend someone lost their dinner in the hall. :( And, their guests apparently can't read, or at least they regularly ring my doorbell at like 3 am (finger glued to button until someone answers...)
Thankfully I'll be moving away soon.

When I lived in a big apartment building, I would've been weirded out if someone constantly said hi and tried to talk to me in the hallways. If someone smiled or something, I would've smiled back, but, you know, who cares? There are 40 floors, this isn't a small town, and I have my own life. I think if you're in a big city, people walk through the streets with a sense of being by themselves and not acknowledging other people, so that attitude just carries through to the hallways of your apartment building. If it's been 7 years for you with no response? Give up. It's not politeness if the other person doesn't want or care to say hi.

That said, I made temporary friends (until I moved) with a guy who was playing pool in my building's lounge, since that's a more approachable area. And in my current place there's only one other apartment in the building, with a shared entry, so I'll make small-talk the few times I run into the nice guy who lives there.

I'm polite to my neighbors--I usually say hi or smile when I see one in the hall (I live in a 27-unit apartment building, so it's hard to meet all of them.) I'll make small talk with my neighbors when we happen to be in the foyer or laundry room at the same time, but that's about it.

I agree: to be friendly but you don't need to be friends. A hi, hello is fine. I don't want to hear how your day went, what happened between you and your partner nor do I want to hear how Little Timmy won the spelling bee.
I have my own devil to dance with so I don't need to invite others to the dance. Some neighbors just want to pour all their crap onto you and that is just a no.

Saying hello and smiling is just being polite and having good manners. You don't need to stop walking and have a conversation. The same thing happens to me, I always say hi or at least smile to my neighbors, but some don't even look at me. Being shy is not an excuse for absolutely ignoring someone you see nearly every day, in my opinion.

I am most likely to just give a friendly acknowledgement. I've lived in my apartment for 3.5 years and am pretty sure I'm the only one in the whole building who is left from when I first moved in. I make an effort to recognize who my neighbors are (my job often requires me to leave my apartment at all hours of the night, so I like to be aware of who 'belongs') and I almost always say a friendly hello or make small talk. Most of my neighbors reciprocate (I also live in west Texas, which is pretty darn friendly). However, I do have one CRAAAAAZY neighbor who I avoid like the plague. She'll leave her front door open (on 100+ degree days) so she can air out her cigarette smoke fumigated apartment, and asks me for something every time I see her. She often comes and knocks on my door asking for something (she's asked for quarters, ice trays, access to my internet connection, to announce her birthday, and a host of other odd items/things).

So, moral of the story, I'm quite friendly, to the people I know (and know aren't crazy).

I've always said that I want to be friendly enough with the neighbors that if they hear shouts for help coming from my apartment, they'll call 911. Instead of being glad that maybe I'll finally move out of the place.

I'm an introvert. I prefer to stay on "Hello," "Goodbye," terms with neighbors, instead of becoming best friends and chatting all the time. I think this has puzzled some people in the past, because I'm nice and polite, but not interested in sharing my life with them.

But I don't mind feeding someone's cat for a week, or taking in their mail if they're away--as long as they are willing to return the favor in some way.

I try to be considerate and quiet--soft-soled shoes in the house, headphones for music and TV, that sort of thing. The one downstairs neighbor who really disliked me, well, that was because I would not vacuum during his preferred hours--8 am to 6 pm, Monday through Friday. Oddly enough, those were the hours he was out of the apartment for work. Strangely, I was also out of my apartment those same hours. I waited until after noon on weekends to vacuum. He would have preferred that I go downstairs and outside and around the building to check to see if his car was there--and then only vacuum if it was not. I refused to do so and he was Not Happy. Fortunately for me, our landlord sided with me, not him.

I live in the midwest--people tend to say hi, whether on the neighborhood sidewalks or when they make eye contact. I also live in a pretty friendly neighborhood, so yeah I say hi.

Apartment living lends itself to neighbors who keep to themselves because turn-over is relatively high, compared to a neighborhood where the homes are owned for several to many years and you see the same faces everyday. (Of course, living in such a neighborhood can have its issues as well, if you get into a feud with a neighbor or if there's something unsavory happening in the neighborhood, you can't just up and move away.)

For the last two years, however, I've been living in an apartment complex populated by young families and young(ish) professionals and some retired people, so the turn-over is not as high as usual. So while we still don't talk to each other or hang out or whatever (personally, I'm introverted and find that level of constant interaction in my home space, which is for peace and quiet, exhausting) we are on a nodding basis. I cultivated that much just for safety, as the neighbors are probably the best first line of defense against snoopers and would-be burglars since they know who's supposed to be there, and who's not.

At first I thought the photo went with the OP writer, but then there was the mention of a hallway. How many apartments are in your hallway? The 'next doors' on either side and directly across from you could be considered 'neighbors'. Anyone else; just 'other tenants'. At this point, a nod and "hi" should be sufficient if you feel you need to be pleasant. Don't beat yourself up over it. Please, thank you and you're welcome are always appropriate in a situation & you're not being too chummy. Same with the security; be pleasant without expecting anything in return (except bldg security) & save the cupcakes etc. for those you know will genuinely be appreciative.

My neighbors; one side; nice, but could talk 30 min nonstop if given the opportunity; other side, also nice, but only see often enough for a "hi" & we're ok with that amount. I'd say nowadays there's all kinds in every part of the country. No region has a monopoly on politeness.

My husband and I moved into a townhouse (in Iowa) just after getting married. Of course I was friendly to a couple that made an effort to come and say hello (plus they had an adorable little 1 year old boy). However, in our subsequent meetings, I came to realize they were both super religious and super political, and talked about it all the time. God or something about how awful the democrats are came up every other minute, I swear. I really regretted making an effort to make friends with them until just lately. Turns out, the more I got to know them, the more we were able to talk on other subjects. I still silently sit through 10 minutes on the praises of the republican party occasionally, but I've learned they are really wonderful people. I'm glad I have these friends, now, as they are teaching me to be more accepting of people who are different than I am, and are helping me to put an effort into my consideration of my political views (which, as a rule, I never bring up with them, because I'm fairly I move a little more to the left every time she monologues on politics)

I just moved back to NY from PA...everyone says New Yorkers are mean but sooooo not the case. I took brownies over to new neighbors, they would not come to the door. They pretended to take out the trash and check who was at the door. They took the brownies and NEVER spoke to us again. My closest neighbors (friendship wise) were a biker dude next door and an 83 year old couple (which moved away) Anyone else on our block acted like vampires, we never saw them outside (afraid of sunlight...:) ) I love NY!!!!!

I live in a small community in West Hollywood dubbed "Little Russia" because of the large Russian population that lives in such a small radius. My building consists of 20 units, 17 of which are inhabited by elderly Russians who are hands down the most abrasive, unfriendly, and often rude people I've ever encountered. I'm aware that some of our differences are cultural, but these people seem to generally despise everyone, including each other. I've lived here over 2 years and verbal attacks and heated arguments occur in our courtyard daily, if not hourly, complete with the waving of walkers and canes. Being that I'm a third of their age I don't expect there to be much common ground, but it would be nice to at least get a "hi" or a "goodmorning" back when I address someone in a common area. The most I've ever gotten is a slight head nod, but typically I get a borderline agressive stare down anytime I make any contact what so ever. My courtyard has an awesome pool and lounge area in the back of it and the one time I used it, literally every person walked to their front door or window and stared me down as if I were drowning a puppy. I've never gone back, even during blistering summer heat waves. It's sad because my apartment is awesome, and a steal at the price I'm paying but all of that creepiness and negativity already has me on craigslist looking for alternatives.

I've lived on my block for 9 years, don't know a single persons name and there are only a few people that I will wave or smile or say hello to. Even fewer that will wave or smile or say hello back. But it's not because I haven't tried many times. I was the first gentrifier on my block and was blamed for rising rents and evictions and house sales. Of course my neighbors will speak to me if they want to bum a smoke or borrow a dollar. Then it's all smiles and hellos.

I love my neighbors. I live in an inner city area that has a lot of outside life, people sitting on stoops and porches, watching kids play in the front. It can get a bit noisy and when I first moved here it took a while to get used to the loud voices, as where I had moved from, The Netherlands, you rarely hear a peep from people. Here, people honk their horns when driving by someone they know, shout across the street and wave, call out to each other. I know all my direct neighbors by name, some up and down the street, everyone looks out for each other, does favors, loans things. My boyfriend, being a carpenter, fixes stuck doors and windows, helps with various small repairs mows lawns and helps move things. I garden in the front, share veggies and gossip.

SSDMMF: "They pretended to take out the trash and check who was at the door. They took the brownies and NEVER spoke to us again." But I'm sure they remember with a little bubble of disquiet that someone gave them something they never said thank you for. Enough of that and you never know, somewhere down the line they may actually become reasonably human.

I live in the UK - these people are experts at being rude but making it sound polite. Having said that, my neighbours are all really nice. I'm always very friendly (I make cake/cookies for new neighbours.) and everyone else is very nice.

We do have a very passive-aggressive building manager who is NEVER happy with the state of the garbage room in the basement. He leaves notes in our mailboxes. My husband and I call him the bin-nazi. He's pretty polite in person, but very confrontational on slips of paper - complete with caps and underlines.

Hm. I dunno. My experience has been different. I have found that after a few times, even the most dour neighbor/security guard/receptionist warms up and manages at least a hello. I've lived in both apts. and houses, in NYC, Brooklyn and Miami (and believe me, Miami is a very rude city), and in every case there is eventually a comfortable, polite, distant amicability.

I wonder why you're having this problem. I mean, certainly others don't tend to initiate, and seem put off a little at first, but I feel like once they realize you don't really want or need anything from them, they relax.

I think you are lucky! I live in an apartment where every single person wants to be my friend. I am a loner and prefer my own company to some random person wanting to take up my time. It would be ok if they said "hi" and moved on but they all want a conversation. I had a neighbor in my old place that would come to my door between 2-10 times a day, 99% of the time with nothing to say......how many times could I stand "wanna hear a joke". He was one of the reasons I up and moved to a different city but low and behold he is moving to the building next to me. So just think what you would rather have?? I chose the neighbors who don't want to be friendly.

I always go back and forth on this in my mind. If I did what I truly wanted to, I'd never speak to anyone nor would they to me and we just help each other if needed. But, I know that's rude and so I do say hello to people and have meaningless chit chat with them when I can't avoid it. That being said, I have found almost every time when you start talking to someone, it never ends. And the conversation is almost always about other neighbors, complaints about wherever you live and so forth. And for me, I have also been put upon by neighbors calling me, knocking on the door, etc. once I've started talking to them just to be nice. I think they feel if you live alone you have no life and they want to insert themselves into yours not realizing that you want your peace and quiet. After working all day, I want to be left alone. So, I think a polite hello, how are you is the right thing to do and then move on. And move on quick. Beyond that can get too much - people can't help themselves. Some communities whether apts, townhomes, homes (and I've lived in all) are friendlier than others. I say if your neighbors don't talk to you, while insulting, don't fret it, stop saying hi and just move on.

I avoid my neighbors like the plague and most of them avoid me as well. Perfect. I don't like small talk, they don't like small talk, we just mind our own business. It works.

(Except for one who always flags me down when I drive past and keeps talking forever and sometimes even follows me around town. And also shoots at imaginary coyotes and Wildcats in our backyard. But he's mostly a nice guy, so it could be worse.)

I had a really supernasty guy living directly across the street -- he was horrible. I avoided him for years. finally his wife kicked him out. goodbye jerk! he didn't go gently, of course --he came back to have a few scenes in the middle of the street but I didn't mind so much seeing him crying and begging and not acting at all like his arrogant sneering rude self. (the wife quickly replaced him with a younger much cuter guy.)

I am one of those that does not say hello, but neither did they...or else we would do the head nod of "I acknowledge your existence", but I would pull their garbage in from the street after the truck went by, or make the call on their behalf if the garbage guy skipped them completely and leave them a note that I had done so, or rescue their dog or cat from the middle of the street because someone left their door open . I am not a happy/friendly person in general, but I am a good/quiet neighbor.

There is definitely a lack of sense of community in the States, but I personally don't mourn it. (I suppose it's nice when it's there, but I don't miss it having not experienced anything like that since I was 12, in suburbia, where the whole neighborhood was composed of similarly aged families with kids in school together -- a significant bonding agent.)

I work with the public. After hours I am not interested in being with people. Even my "domestic partner" and I often spend evenings, after supper, in separate rooms doing individual things. I don't have a bunch of women friends to "lunch" with. In fact, I'd be hard pressed to round up enough people for a party... But I'm a hermit and I live that way by choice. I have never in my adult life known my neighbors, including apartments and houses. Now we live on a six-house cul-de-sac, and because of the homeowner's association, I know and wave to all my current neighbors (except for a couple of college aged kids to whom I was never introduced.) But we don't DO anything with each other. And that's just fine.

In America these days, we are very mobile. I don't think I know anybody living in their childhood home, we have all lived many places over time. In Tibet (whence the Dalai Lama drew his comparisons) people most likely live in the same group most of their lives. They walk a lot more and probably attend the same events, share meals, live in each other's pockets. That's what villages were like here, too, before cars... But once that changes, people are more self-sufficient, more self contained, maybe less social. Everything changes.

But as someone who used to be a neighbor in an apartment, I'd not be interested in being pals. I'd be civil, I'd probably agree, reluctantly, to take in your mail or feed your cat for a day or two, but no invitations in for coffee and brownies. And I would call 911 if I heard a loud domestic dispute, not tap on your door... (I have had psychotic neighbors and you do NOT want to personally confront one of them for making noise. That's what management is for!)

When I lived "up north" (that being north of the 60th parallel) I met a lot of people and there was a general air of friendliness that still allowed people their space. Now in Metro Vancouver I rarely get friendly with anyone other than immediate neighbours. I don't even like to make eye contact with strangers because it so often leads to getting cornered with some kind of unpleasantness. Requests for money (moments after a seemingly harmless friendly greeting), TMI revelations and generally rude crowding of your personal space. Some of this stuff can only be stopped by being extremely rude yourself and in order to avoid this I'd rather not get entangled in the first place. Once the friendliness genie is out of the bottle it's hard to get it back in and if you see these people often you'll be faced with the problem regularly. We have gatherings with some of our immediate neighbours fairly regularly but others prefer to keep to themselves. It's nice to have the choice and not have it forced on you.

ITA w @DUANE HILL - when we lived downtown in the city, my neighbours used to press the door close button if they saw me coming with my stroller. Kids weren't very welcome in our condo.
When we moved out to the semi country/semi burbs where we are now, I know majority of the people on our street, they watch out for my kids and vice versa. We get surprise baked goods and extra treats. It is incomparable the our previous location.

@Oh_Fallon - It was wrong of them not to let you know much sooner. But did you really have no idea that leaving your dog barking all day wouldn't bother someone? I only ask because I am having similar problems with my neighbors. Though, unlike in your situation, I have addressed it with them and they don't care at all unfortunately.

I say hello and will make conversation if a neighbor starts talking to me but I wouldn't do more than say hi on my own. My husband doesn't like when our neighbors rope him into conversations-he just wants to get home.

I think its nice to say hello but if someone doesn't want to be your friend to just let it go.

This is actually one of the very hardest things about my relatively recent transition to living in England. I seem to live in a very buttoned-up town, and people just don't talk to one another. It is REALLY hard! I guess some people just feel better/ safer sticking with people they've always known-- but that is just not how I am (especially since I have moved so often, so there never *are* people I've always known around.)

I wrote about this as a culture shock issue (here: http://and-here-we-are.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/expat-life-lets-talk-about-culture_24.html) but what I learned quickly from the comments on that post was that it's a really common phenomenon in many places. I'm not sure that makes it much easier, but I guess it's mainly important not to take it personally...

We are lucky to live in a very friendly neighborhood where people wave, stop to chat if they are able, and watch the kids play ball in the street. Several years ago, we put a large front porch on our house and it is now the gathering spot for the block. We serve drinks nightly (you can tell we're "open" by the neon martini light in our window). @KHinNJ, I am in Central NJ--please stop by!

Why can't some understand that there are people out here who do not want to be bothered? Some people want to be left alone - they want their privacy. No "Hello!", no "How are you?" Many folks just want to mind their own business and have you mind yours. It might not even be about them liking or disliking you; they might just not want to be bothered. Home is supposed to be the one place you're at peace but when you have neighbors who are constantly trying to talk to you or whatnot, it quickly gets downright annoying. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying bad behavior or rudeness. There are times when speaking to your neighbors may be required like in the case of an emergency, or when you're literally passing each others path. It's only good manners to acknowledge the other's presence. It doesn't even have to be verbal. A grunt, a head nod or smile will do and keep it moving.

Bottom line is your neighbors can be friendly people but not be interested in befriending YOU. If you're desperate for friends look elsewhere. I try to always say hello to my neighbors (at least the ones I like, lol) but I never do it expecting anything in return. I'm OK with it, whatever. Just my 2 cents.

I just moved into my first condo in October, I am kind of quiet and shy but I dont want to be unfriendly. I grew up in the boonies with no neighbors so it is still weird to me to have neighbors as an adult. I have kind of taken cue from them. One side of neighbors seem pleasant enough, she at least says high or smiles. The other ones are not friendly. I think they are worried I will turn them into the HOA for taking up too many spaces of our shared parking area, which I am tempted to do because it is ridiculous or that they drilled into my garage wall to hang stuff in their garage. Yea.. You'd think they'd be warmer.

Totally off topic, anyone have any idea what kind of door that is in the picture. I have a similar door that is original to the condo from the 70s and it needs to be replaced as it is warped, has some water damage, and doesn't have a peep hole. Any ideas the style or places that sell similar styles?

I honestly think that if you get to be friends with a neighbor then you're lucky. I've only been friends with a neighbor once. Mostly I don't have anything in common with my neighbors except the building we live in.

i'm introverted. also, my neighbors thus far don't seem that interesting. i don't care to talk to strangers, in my apartment building, or elsewhere. i don't care to talk to most of my coworkers. sometimes i will say hi or give a half-smile to them, when they force me into it, but generally i'm happier with the people who just walk by me without saying anything, just like i do with them.

I find it creepy when people try to get to me to adhere to social contracts I never agreed to in the first place. When I moved into my space there was no understanding in place I would feed your cat (I don't care for cats; I am a dog person) be your friend or a sounding board for all your rants against society. The only contract I signed was between me and the bank or the landlord. I don't think this makes me unfriendly, nor do I care if it makes me seem unfriendly but as my friend said, "This country puts too much emphasis on noisy, all-consuming, extroversion. (Not that there is anything wrong with being exroverted). Fine, fine... be extroverted, just don't expect the world to conform to YOUR expectations."

PI, around here, townhouses are controlled by associations and the neighbors Run for the board. Then they walk around the street tagging people for violations. I've had neighbors leave anonymous notes on my door for a banging piece of fascia that came loose in a windstorm. They'd much rather report you for a violation than lend you a ladder or the name of a good handyman. Some neighbors have chased me to the dumpster to tell me my garbage bag was tied incorrectly. Mind you, the person in question would have.had to be watching the street from inside her house at time with binoculars.
That's been the extent of my interactions. I know they have block parties but unless you are married with children between the ages of 1-12, you're not invited.
Yes, I'm planning on moving. Just getting my house staged as I write.

Ugh living in an apartment like mine, makes it pretty hard to avoid people. Which sucks cause that is my goal in life... being soo socially awkward and all, plus, having social anxiety. I always run to my apt if I am outside and shut my door and make a "ahhhh sound, and exhale" When I take my pups potty in the dog pin, I wear sunglasses and avoid looking at anyone sitting on their porch. My fiance and I just moved from a quiet huge corner apt where we only had on neighbor next to us on the top section...and that was nice cause we barely ever made contact. Now, we downgraded to a small one bedroom in the same apts, diff building, and we are smack dab in the middle...neighbors on each side of us, across from us, etc. On one side is a grumpy old man who sits in his thousand year old rocking chair and has never once looked or said a word to us :P and I am scared to say anything to him. On the other is a nice middle aged women with a beautiful porch garden which makes our porch look good!

I have had this very same experience, living in the same building for four years. I think it's frustrating because I selfishly just wanted my friendliness to be returned, to be honest. I had to suck it up and realize that I didn't want to go out of my way to be friendly to someone who couldn't spare much more than a blank stare.

Sidebar: Folks need to lay off the "Southerners are so much friendlier than Northerners" bit. The most un-true cliche, ever. A-holes are everywhere. And so are introverts, and weirdos.

I'm amazed at how many people want their neighbors to leave them alone. I'm originally from Pittsburgh where knowing your neighbors and shooting the breeze on the porch in the evening was normal. One grandmother had an open door policy that all her children followed once they had houses of the own. The other grandmother lived Ina more formal neighborhood where it was more customary to "call" on the neighbors and sit and chat for awhile. I picked the cherry harvest from the trees of the neighbor across the street and ran errands for some of the others. This no socializing policy is just bizarre and very hard on those of us who live far away fom our families.

I'm with Sherrybinnh. I'm an extreme introvert but have a job that requires me to be friendly and outgoing. That's fine--I'm a nice person and I want people to be happy--but it's exhausting for me. By the time I get home from work I definitely don't want to hear about your kids, pet, spouse, job or apartment. I live in an urban area and fortunately most people accept this. So long story short, unless you're a person who accosts reluctant people with tales about yourself, it's probably not about you.

I cannot imagine not acknowledging another human being who has greeted me in a perfectly normal and polite way. How do you not say hi or smile back at someone who says hello to you? Wow.

These comments make me appreciate my wonderful, diverse, thickly settled and friendly neighborhood even more. I'm going outside to say hello to and smile at people right now and will think how lucky I am every second of it.

I'm pretty sure I read that making connections with others in your immediate neighborhood is a key component in being happy. You don't have to be overly friendly if you don't want to be, but saying hello and a quick conversation never hurt anyone. More importantly, it can be a big plus in security if you know your neighbors by sight and therefore have an idea who should be in your building.

TL;DR
This makes me feel bad for you, Tess. I am a bit shy myself and don't usually take the initiative, but if I were your neighbor, I would certainly respond in kind to your friendly overtures. That's only decent, whether or not I am introverted or busy or whatever. But -- I think some housing set-ups/buildings/people are just not conducive to friendly relations. I have lived in my house for many years now, and I am at this point friendly with many of my neighbors who are also long-term residents, but I find that this can be an exception in San Francisco, having heard horror stories from other SF friends and family -- parking wars, barking wars, eyesores, etc. Maybe you just need to be in the right place at the right time. In my first apartment in SF, a neighbor insisted I attend a performance he was giving. I didn't want to go, but he had invited me (so I thought), and when I got there, there was a big cover charge and a minimum drink policy. And I was poor at the time and hadn't even wanted to go in the first place! So, I lived and learned and became a little more standoffish.

Then, years later my husband and I moved into a huge loft in an industrial building over on Third Street. It was all light industry except for us and the couple who lived next door to us (also artists, like my husband.) We were all sort of marooned together in this industrial wasteland and became friends almost by default (even though, I learned later, the eccentric male half of the couple had advised his girlfriend "don't get involved with THEM.") My husband and I are long divorced at this point, but we all four are still close friends, with tons of great memories of our crazy days out on Third Street. I guess we just got lucky -- or, as I mentioned earlier, were in the right place at the right time.

I'd like to also add that I do say hi to most people I see that are my neighbors. Even if I do not know them. I'd say 80% of the time they just stare at me and say nothing :( Which is rude...so in return I will not try again after soo many attempts. I'll usually just give a friendly smile to people I see now, unless I know they will return the hello.

Maybe I've been lucky, but I've always had extremely nice neighbours. No complaints whatsoever. I try to be a good neighbour in return.

Wow, lots of introverts. Actually, I thought I was introverted, but I do make an effort with neighbours because you see them regularly. It would be awful if I felt I couldn't ask them for a simple favour.

I can't explain the phenomenon, but I'll second your question. I don't have this problem with neighbors, but I have some people like that at work. I think that when you are passing someone in the hall, unless one of you is in a terrible hurry or otherwise occupied, it is simply polite to say hi, or at least nod and smile. Nothing more needed, no "how ya doin'"--just a hi and keep walking. Most people do this, but there are some that won't return or even acknowledge a simple greeting. I willfully continue to say hi to them anyway, and I just consider them to be rude and obnoxious human beings when they don't reply. If there is some other explanation for their lack of courtesy, I'd like to hear it.

I've had friendly neighbors in apartment buildings, and unfriendly neighbors in suburbs. Really, I think it has a lot to do with the individuals involved, and possibly a culture in the neighborhood that may have developed before you ever moved in. Right now I live in a community of single family homes in a city neighborhood, and it is by far the nicest neighbor experience I've ever had. I guess everyone is close enough to see each other constantly (not like the suburbs which seem like ghost towns because everyone disappears into their garage at night, then I guess hides out in front of their tvs or in their private backyards), but has enough privacy too. Also, the homes are nice enough that people are committed to the neighborhood and become long-time residents, but not so nice that people are uptight about things. Some neighbors are real friends now, most are very friendly and will go out of their way to help each other, and only a few seem to keep to themselves. We have block parties, neighborhood groups and events, see each other at the park/playground/community garden, etc. For years I had wanted to move to the country, and now I think I would have a hard time leaving this city neighborhood behind.

p.s. all this is coming from an introvert who often finds interaction with others exhausting. I don't think that's any reason not to be polite and say hi when you see someone. Not share your life stories or ask for favors, just say hi for goodness' sakes. It's not that hard.

I'm in the camp of "very naturally introverted", so I do find it draining to talk at length with people I don't know well.

That said, when my neighbors (in a condo building) smile or say Hi to me, I smile and say Hi back. It seems like the least one can do. However, if your neighbors ignore you, I wouldn't take it personally.

Also, I do feel fortunate that I've gotten to know my directly upstairs neighbor fairly well, if only because we had a huge flood from the neighbor above both of us, so we had a common cause for an extended amount of time. If you live in a multi-unit building, it is good to have at least one neighbor that you feel comfortable saying more than just "Hi" to.

I, too, am surprised about the number of people not interested in having a relationship with their neighbors on this post. In live in an old historic home that has two apartments and an office. We are surrounded by other historic homes that are just offices. Basically, it's just me and my neighbor and I'm very glad to say that we've formed a friendship. It's nice just knowing that there is someone else present in a close space to mine that I'm on good terms with. This post has made me realize just how luck I am. I do think that a lot of maintaining a good relationship with people in general is paying attention to the signals they send off about when they are open for a quick chat and when they are not. I really value my sense of community and look for it not just in my neighbors, but in the gym I work out at, the businesses I frequent, and the hobbies I take up. As a military brat we moved a lot and building a sense of community was always a top priority when we settled in somewhere new. It made the constant upheaval a little less harsh.

@TessWilson, I'm sorry that you've got a stubborn unfriendly neighbor. I would feel the same way you do if I was experiencing the same thing.

Move the the Midwest where being a neighbor still means what it used to. When I lived in California, I couldn't even get a return hello except from one couple downstairs in one town who acted like the neighbors of my youth (and of TV neighbors in the 50s) Turns out they were from Nebraska

I grew up on a small private street. half of the homes were pretty much open door policies. All the kids played together. That was great when I was 8. While house hunting, my hubby and I saw and stopped at a home for sale in a nice neighbourhood. The house was empty so we went to take a look. The neighbour lady came out and was very nice, telling us all about the house, but she just kept talking! 30 minutes later she was still telling us life stories when all we wanted was to check out the yard and peek in the windows. All I could think was, 'She's very nice, and would notice a burgler, but the yard isn't fenced, and is she going to stop by everytime one of us in the yard???' *shudder* My current apartment has about 40 units. I'm friendly with the neighbor right across from us; he's an elderly guy who is very pleasant. There is another young man on my floor who chatted my ear off one day but he was very polite. There are the smokers always hanging outside the building we try to avoid for health reasons. In my building there are a lot of head nods and smiles, but everyone holds doors open and helps with the awful elevator doors when your arms are full of groceries. I'm reclusive at times, but I am very much an extrovert. I kind of have this weird thing were I can talk to anyone or anything but I also want to be left alone. My husband is an introvert and hates talking to people he doesn't know.

I love my neighbors and I feel very lucky to live in a neighborhood where people make an effort to be kind. When I moved in, all my neighbors stopped and introduced themselves when they saw me working in the yard. Well, all except one neighbor, Joan, and her kids. I have tried to be friendly but she completely ignores me. So do her teenage kids. The only time she spoke to me was to come over and scream in my face when another neighbor trimmed her tree and she thought it was me. So now I officially hate her forever, and hope she becomes the victim of a home invasion robbery/murder. I can really hold a grudge.

I wish my neighbors would fall off the face of the earth. Every time, in my long life as a homeowner, that I have extended the hand of friendship to a neighbor, I have had it bitten. Every freaking time. I simply ignore the neighborsand they (largely) return the favor. That is, unless they are aggressively trying to make my life miserable, which they do every so often.

So why not move? I have found that people are people wherever you go. The actors change but the play is the same.

I had a much more positive view of neighbors when I was an apartment renter surrounded by other renters.. Perhaps when people don't feel so nailed down by land ownership they can take the risk of befriending the folks next door? I suspect apartment dwellers in general are less territorial that the owners of freestanding homes. I mean, you are already sharing common spaces, so you need to get along to some degree.

Maybe they just want to be left alone. They seem to be giving you that message nonverbally. Maybe you could try leaving them alone.

@HANGRILYLA, you should post some of those notes to http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/ ! Get some laughs and some sympathy.

May I add a note about neighbors who "just stare at you" when you say hello? Keep in mind that some -- especially those you see at a distance or when you pass one another in cars in the burbs -- may not recognize you. I have poor eyesight and I will sometimes miss someone waving hello, or not recognize a car, or not see who is driving, or be unsure whether someone who has newly styled hair is in fact the woman who lives down the street. I tend to be preoccupied most of the time, too, which makes it worse. Someone moves into my field of vision, out of context, and I may not be able to fit them into the proper mental file quickly enough to come off as polite.

"I have no intentions of ceasing to say "Hi" or "Good morning" when I pass my neighbors in the hall. I am polite, dammit"

Badgering people at home and at work when they have made it clear they don't care to chit-chat with you really isn't very polite. Frankly you sound more than a little self-absorbed and definitely obnoxious. My neighbors WILL talk to me, the security guard at WILL smile at me and never fail to acknowledge me - you seem like an aggressive person and that could be why none these people like you. Try respecting other people's feelings. Get over yourself and find people outside of your building and your job who will pay attention to you. Your poor neighbors, that poor security guard...sheesh.

My parents have the most wonderful neighbours and I know them all by name. If they've been baking they invite each other over for a cup of tea to share the food, if someone is unwell in the street their neighbours will check on them and bring them homecooked meals, help out with the garden or looking after the kids. The elderly who have no local family have people looking out for them and if anyone is every in need of help here is a line of people offering. They live in a city of over 2 million and only 10 minutes drive to the centre so it isn't like it is a country town.

It makes me sad that where I live now there is only a wall separating me from my neighbours but I have no idea who they are. It is hard to make eye contact with them in the lift let alone get a smile or a hello. It makes me feel really disconnected from the community.

Badgering people at home and at work when they have made it clear they don't care to chit-chat with you really isn't very polite. Frankly you sound more than a little self-absorbed and definitely obnoxious. My neighbors WILL talk to me, the security guard at WILL smile at me and never fail to acknowledge me - you seem like an aggressive person and that could be why none these people like you. Try respecting other people's feelings. Get over yourself and find people outside of your building and your job who will pay attention to you. Your poor neighbors, that poor security guard...sheesh.

One of the few rational response. The rest of you people sound like awful, self absorbed extroverts who do not understand not everyone finds your endless chirpiness and blathering engaging.

I registered just to post a question in response to this post! I'm moving into a new condo this month. I'm a musician who plays a pretty loud instrument. I'm very respectful of sleep schedules, and keep my practicing between 10 am and 10 pm, but I have to practice to earn my living - no option not to, really!

I'm stuck in the place for now - how would you recommend being a good neighbor? I was thinking of stopping by with baked goods, introducing myself, and saying something like, "Hi! I'm a musician, and I just moved in. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be practicing during the day, but I'm very respectful of quiet hours. Please let me know if there is a specific time of day you need quiet." Is this acceptable? I'm now worried, after reading these comments, that it would be considered too aggressive or intrusive...but I have to practice, and I'd like to be able to do it without disturbing people, AND avoid people getting angry with me.

What would you do?

@LIZATRMBN - You might want to look into finding some place else to practice. I don't think it matters what time you practice unless you know for sure that your neighbors won't be home during specific hours, it's going to be an issue. People at home sick, with children, watching TV, trying to relax after work or who just don't want to hear you have a right not to. You could check to see if they'll be home during certain hours and try to schedule it that way, but otherwise find someplace else.

WOW! This is truely scary
The majority of responses indicate the the average person does not want to deal with their neighbors. I live in NE in a city (75K). My street is has 20+/- houses (mostly 2-3 unit older apts in duplexes built in the 1920s)
I have only been here for five years. I speak with at least 10-12 residents weekly, They are aged 30-70. We share gardening at the community garden, snow removal issues, dog walking, recipes, etc. Have we become this disconnected in this country?
Daryl

I've had a wide variety of experiences living as an Expat in Abu Dhabi - big mix of people.

The worst experience? Living in a very pricy villa neighborhood with roommates (we were three guys). All the neighborhood expat stay-at-home moms were the stereotype nightmare "concerned" moms that we drive too fast or have loud parties. Got a little ridiculous. These were from different backgrounds too.

Best experience? Where I live now, in some clustered apartments (maybe 10?) that share a pool. My boyfriend and I (also a taboo in many cultures, lol), will sit by the pool with a beer (again, with some of the Muslim neighbors, one would think it's taboo.. of course, back in the states some people do too!), and they're all super friendly, whether just there to swim, use the indoor gym, or with their kids at the pool.

Not sure what separates the experience, but the only demographic difference is income levels (apartment dwellers vs very-nice-villa dwellers). Triple the income.

I tried to be friendly with a neighbor that moved in behind me and regretted it. Once after spending all of a hot day putting finish on my deck, she decided to walk up to my back door uninvited and walk right through it. I felt so good about being able to afford that home improvement, and she just crapped all over it really. My back door isn't even an entrance that anyone comes into. You've got to walk up on a patio. Every time we are in the yard or walking by, she's got comments, questions. She has heaps of garbage against the side of her building I've got to look at. She's just kind of a pathetic, lonely, cat lady with no job who lucked into a place owned by a rich old man who bought it and rents it cheap so he can keep his view. I honestly wish she'd leave us alone. I've gotten to the point I don't even answer her now and just walk away, and she still won't shut up.

I'd say if your neighbor isn't responding to you, they're giving you a message they want privacy and it's best to respect that.

Ah, @KHINNJ, I can really relate to your current situation! And I love Pittsburgh.

I am very lucky to have fairly friendly neighbours-I chat regularly with our neighbour right next door-especially now that it's summer and we keep the doors propped open-my dog keeps squeezing out and dashing into their apartment to play with their dog. The rest of our neighbours I rarely see, but there are other people in the building I see regularly and always chat or at least say hi to. I feel fortunate that we get along well, because on the rare occasion we have parties (like when we fit 20 people into our 600sq ft apartment) we have never had a complaint.

Our friends live in the building and they have a terrible time with the neighbours. Our strata has a rule around "quiet hours" on the weekend, and their neighbour bangs on the door and threatens to put in a formal complaint to the strata if they hear a peep from them well before quiet hours kick in. They even called the police on them once-when they arrived they actually knocked on the door to apologize because they stood in the hallway for a bit and couldn't hear anything.

Unfortunately, when you buy a condo it seems to be luck of the draw!

I've just read halfway through so I'm not sure the poster will scroll through all the comments.
I'm generally polite unless I miss seeing or hearing the other person (it does happen, folks), but just saying hi is enough for most everybody.

You have no idea if your neighbors have, say, chronic pain, are very shy, are loners don't speak your language, or simply do a job where they have to deal with masses of people every day.

I used to have such a job and at the end of the day, when I came back home, I couldn't stand talking to anybody, or getting touched - after you get hugged and have to shake hands hundreds of times a day the idea of just having to deal with yet another human being was unbearable.

So if your neighbors don't want to talk to you, acknowledge they have certainly very good reasons to want to be left alone, and please respect their wishes. Think about it as a situation where someone tries to pick you up and it gives you the creeps. It's likely your relentless tries at "friendliness" give them the willies.

Just nod and say hello, and go hang out with your real friends who love and value you for real, warm relationships.

ah and sorry, I forgot to say: I used to be extraordinarily shy. If unknown people said hi to me, I would almost faint. I can't remember how it felt at the time, but please bear in mind that for some people, interacting with others is incredibly difficult/painful. Please don't add to their misery by badgering them or thinking they're rude. They're not, just socially inept. I certainly was.

After we moved into our house seven months ago, the neighbors (husband and wife) across the street stopped us while at the mailbox and invited us to a home cooked meal. They said they never got to know the previous owners and didn't want the same to happen with us. We now have a really great friendship and we've even gone on trips together such as kayaking and theme parks, and we all get together just about once a week at either house.

That said, the neighbors on one side are super nice, but they'll hold you in a conversation lock. Neighbors on the other side haven't said a word, and their kids climb in and out of the windows as if the front door didn't exist.

Long story short, we enjoy socializing with our neighbors if they'll let us.

We live in a nice leafy neighborhood full of families with kids. We were thrilled when a new family moved in next door with a little girl and a boy on the way (I was pregnant with a boy too). Fast forward 6 years, we watch their pets while they are on vacation, bring in their mail, even take care of a fallen tree and fallen fence when they are away.

In return, they throw loud dinner parties in their backyard EVERY SINGLE SUNNY SUMMER EVENING FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS! They invite tons of friends, drink heavily and get louder and louder as the evening wears on. It is steaming hot at night, but we have to shut our windows just to get some sleep. And, their two children are also encouraged to climb the tree on the fence line and constantly peer at us as we sit on our deck (just 2 feet from the tree) trying to have dinner, chatting us up about whatever. As adorable as they are, we would like a few dinners with a bit of peace.

Honestly, we would have liked to have been friends but they are just so inconsiderate and seem so unaware. I think the real rub is that they never invite us to the parties, but always ask us to watch their house and feed their pets when they are away. :(

@lmcummings

Geez, I wish we could just reply to individual comments! I hope you find this buried in the 100+ replies to the post.

http://www.crestviewdoors.com/ is a nationally known purveyor of mid-century modern doors, awnings, room dividers, etc. I believe most of their doors have window cut-outs in them, but if they don't have what you're looking for, perhaps they could direct you elsewhere.

http://www.doorsandcompany.com/modern-1.html in Austin also advertise modern doors, but looking on their website, I don't see anything like yours.

Honestly, if I wanted to replicate the door pictured with this article, I would buy a plain, paint-quality flat door and get a custom-furniture carpenter to piece molding in that design. It would be time-consuming because of the measuring and miter-cuts, but the door and molding would be very inexpensive. Once the trim-work is complete, paint with good quality paint. You might be able to come up with something cheaper than if you bought a door from a specialty company, especially if it had to be shipped.

Many custom-cabinet makers have time on their hands these days because of the bad economy. If you are willing to pay their standard hourly wage, in many cities you can hire a good one for a small job these days.

I think sometimes this dilemma is simply due to lack of a conversational opening, beyond "hi."

Unless you're walking a dog (always a great conversation starter) or maybe wearing, reading or carrying something unusual, where's the springboard for much of a conversation, if you don't already know the person?

It's too bad that condo associations/boards in particular don't do a "welcome" event for new residents or perhaps do monthly organized potlucks or get-togethers in their community room, pool or wherever. It'd be a casual, relatively easy icebreaker - just so long as people have a "grace" period where they can be reminded of names later. I can remember most everything someone tells me during a conversation except their name! (Another idea would be to have a condo community Facebook page or email list, so folks can invite each other to events, organize group events, or post other community info.)

I've lived in my condo complex for about 5 years now, but partly due to my unusual work schedule, I don't see most of my neighbors most days. Fortunately, I've made friends with several of the neighbors who live closest to me, and there others I regularly exchange greetings with, but there are others I don't know by name or even by sight, and there's at least one with whom there'll probably always be lingering tension (due to an initial problem with his dogs barking for hours at a time when he was at work).

I feel for WSEATTLEMOM. The idea of the neighbors having parties all the time, never inviting her family and then asking her to look after their place while they're gone, that's a helluva note. Or is it that the neighbors put their acquaintances in one of two categories -- those to get drunk and loud with "versus" those they trust to actually be adult enough to look after their home? ...

to be honest i'd rather my neighbours not talk to me. we say hello if we cross paths on the stairways but other than that no one bothers with each other. i personally think its a bit old fashioned to be all chummy with the neighbours and if they clearly not interested, why bother?

To the musician who asserts he HAS to practise! That's precisely the kind of excuse I have had from neighbours doing their building projects at all times of day and night. Most building regs forbid any kind of - even essential - noise outside 9.00 am to 7.00 pm, and you can expect neighbours to complain if this is violated, and yourself possibly asked to leave (if the tenants association is particularly vigilant). Pratcising a musical instrument, like any other noise, should not be heard outside your apartment. It's up to you to provide adequate sound-proofing or find somewhere else to practise. Sorry to sound harsh, but we all have to earn a living but not at the expense of other people's right to the quiet enjoyment of their house or apartment.
P-D de R.

@Wseattlemom " I think the real rub is that they never invite us to the parties, but always ask us to watch their house and feed their pets when they are away. :("
I do that for my neighbours and vice versa, but we don't tend to socialise. If you want to be friends, have you ever invited them to a party at your place?

When I'm at home, I'm in a space where I don't want to deal with anyone. I definitely say hi to people in the hall, but I won't go out of my way to have conversations with anyone, especially people I don't know. You never know who's a wacko!

We know and really enjoy about half of the neighbors on our street. Everyone is pretty friendly and helpful - I have so many examples but don't want to be long-winded. From the 85 year old widow on the corner, to the young families with kids, the retirees, us (the DINKs), the elderly couple, and the gay couple: we are an eclectic group that still manages to get together once or twice a year (block party, Christmas party, crawfish boil, or just enough people end up outside talking and someone breaks out the BBQ) and look out for each other.

Once I mentioned to the new family on the block (from Louisiana) that I really like the Abita Strawberry beer that comes out every spring - but it's so hard to find it in Houston because it sells out so quickly. After about 2 weeks, I came home and found 2 six-packs sitting on our front porch. They had gone home to LA for the weekend and been thoughtful enough to bring me some booze back. Great neighbors, I tell ya!

Also - the other half of our neighbors keep to themselves, and that's fine. As some of the other posters have implied, we're not dragging them out of their homes kicking and screaming to talk to us. A friendly wave here and there, but I couldn't pick any of them out of a line-up.

Social neighbors hang out with the other social neighbors. The "introvert" neighbors get their privacy. Everyone wins.

I'm generally a pretty friendly person will smile and say hello to my neighbors, even make small talk with a few. I live in an urban area and even so, most of my neighbors are friendly in return.. However, I try not to make too much small talk or become overly friendly bc honestly it's just plain HARD to trust people you barely know AND should your neighbor be a wacko or just plain annoying it just makes it that much more awkward to cut ties.

A good lesson in letting go of expectations. If you feel like smiling and saying hello, then do. Maybe you get a smile back, maybe not. No problem. All you can control is you. Putting a smile and hello out into the universe is a good thing. :-) I don't even see my neighbors, especially in the hottest part of the summer. Once in awhile I see a kid on a bile in the street ... we don't live in a densely populated area ... semi-rural and people go to their jobs and come home and once in awhile come out to mow the lawn. But when we do cross paths, most often in our cars, we do the North Carolina low key hands on the wheel slight wave and nod that means "Hey y'all!"

kid on a bike

NOT

on a bile

that wud be icky!

Wow. It's amazing how many comments are by people who really don't want interaction with their neighbors. If you DO, then a great housing philosophy to check out is co-housing. My family lives in a co-housing community in Colorado. While it's not all a bed of roses, the benefits of actually knowing and caring about your neighbors far outweigh the negatives.

I'm surprised by the number of people who want absolutely nothing to do with their neighbors. When the last big hurricane blew through our town, one side of the street had power and the other didn't. The rows of extension cords spanning the street made it very obvious who had bothered to meet their neighbors and who hadn't.

Losing more faith in human empathy every day. Sorry, but I do HAVE to practice, or I don't make money. Babies cry, dogs bark, musicians practice, too bad. I'm happy to practice around others' schedules, but not at all, and not in my own house? Sorry.

This is a very disturbing thread. While I am surprised at how many extreme introverts there are, I am more surprised that most people don't want to say hi or be the least bit civil.

I live in a 66 apartment building in America's busiest and allegedly most unfriendly, city. I have lived here for a long time and, for years my two neighbors were either my closest friend or someone I had dinner with and long chats in the hall.

While the new neighbors in the building often keep to themselves, we all take the elevator, a space that has its own rules. I say hello to everyone. If there is a dog, I pet it or talk to it. I make a comment to, or about, a child. I often make a funny comment and people laugh. We're not friends, we're neighbors. What is the big deal? I do the same thing at work, where I am an executive.

Having people impose on you is a different issue - you need to set limits - as are neighbors who are problems. But why you don't want normal human interaction is beyond me.

@LIZATRMBN I'm assuming that you play trombone? I'm sorry but that's the problem with living in a space with shared walls. I live in a free standing house and work from home so I wouldn't care too much if you practiced next door but if someone was practicing trombone on the other side of the wall where I was trying to work it would affect my ability to make money. If you can find a time when your practicing won't bother your neighbors then great, but if I was your neighbor and it affected my ability to work, relax, nap, whatever, then I would call the landlord and see to it that you stopped. That's the reality of apartment living.

There have been so many thoughtful & insightful comments- thanks for those! I especially relate to the mentions of being exhausted from interactions at work (I used to work an especially intense customer service job & remember the feeling that there was barely enough *me* left at the end of the day to talk to my loved ones, let alone strangers) and being painfully shy (I was quite a shy child, but a dozen years of customer service have cured me of it).

I must admit to being shocked- okay, terrified- that anyone would consider it acceptable, even preferable, to not acknowledge the existence of another human being in your presence. Not every stranger on the street, but the people whose lives are linked with yours. How strange it would be to walk past a neighbor or coworker or friend-of-a-friend as if they didn't exist. This is not to say that we don't all have moments when we simply can't bear to interact with anyone- I've certainly been there. But the idea that we should be ignoring each other is painful to hear.

I also can't get behind the idea that other people's level of friendliness/rudeness should define our own. Of course, we should all read the situation and act with as much sensitivity as possible, but we can't stop saying please&thank-you because so few people do, stop smiling because so many people walk around with a perma-scowl, or stop being nice because so many people are mean. The first 9 people might hate you for saying "good morning", but the 10th person might need it desperately. I'm sure many of us have had moments when all seemed hopeless & dark, and someone's kindness, no matter how casual or tiny, saved us. But of course, I don't say "hi" to people because I think I might save them- it's just fun.

An interesting conversation, indeed. I'm a musician and need to practice as part of my living. I've always depended on understanding neighbors and so far people have been nice about it. I'm grateful. I understand people want their privacy, but the reality is that people have different obligations and duties, they have babies, dogs, annoying noises, etc. As we are all imperfect and human, I also find it even more important that we acknowledge one another as neighbors and say hi and be kind. I for one find it emotionally rewarding to know that I'm on good terms with the people living right by me. Yeah we don't need to have long chats about life, but a cheerful hello can really brighten my day. At least, that's how I feel.

Losing more faith in human empathy every day. Sorry, but I do HAVE to practice, or I don't make money. Babies cry, dogs bark, musicians practice, too bad. I'm happy to practice around others' schedules, but not at all, and not in my own house? Sorry.

Why not rent a rehearsal space? Or live in housing that doesn't have neighbors in close proximity? This is an entirely avoidable situation, so make no mistake: you are choosing to pursue a course of action that will likely impose negative consequences on your neighbors.

Why do you care so much just because some random stranger or neighbor doesn't say hello to you? Do some people really want attention? What is with the 'hey, look at me' attitude some people possess? I didn't even know people were overly concerned about trivial things like getting to know your neighbors. I always ignore my neighbors cuz I don't care about their business and they shouldn't care about my business either.

I avoid my neighbors, to the point of waiting to leave the house if I hear them outside. It's because if I see them, it would just rile my blood. I'm a quiet girl, who can't stand smoke or banging at all hours of the night. I also just came out of an abusive relationship. So while I complain to the landlords, my downstairs neighbors still smoke like a chimney, and my next-apartment neighbors continue to out together furniture of whatever they are doing all day and all night.

I am afraid that I'd blow up at them, they are so inconsiderate. But if I confronted them personally, I'm afraid of them being violent to me. That's why I would never say hi, or acknowledge them if I could help it. Plus, they are just not awesome enough to have earned the pleasure of knowing me.

"put together furniture or whatever"

Sorry about that. Autocorrect reared it's ugly head again.

I was in a condo tour and it was really bad. I'm naturally smilling and easygoing, but some people don't give a ***. Concentrate on the nice ones and the other ones, too bad for them.
Do your things and if anything happens, protect yourself (when people are hostile, harrassment happens quite often).

I find most of the people living in my apartment building are mostly friendly, at least having the courtesy of saying hello or acknowledging me when they run into me. I am the longest renting tenant in the building, so I get some credit for that I suppose. Some are not native speakers, and yet they make an effort that is appreciated. I am a reasonably friendly person and I absolutely expect this courtesy of others. There have been a few oddballs over the years - one such person even took the same bus to work as me for years, but could not summon the courtesy to say hello. I really feel sorry for folks who are too shy, rude or so self absorbed that they can not engage with others in their world or at the very least their neighbors. I'm not bothered by unfriendly neighbors, but I certainly do consider them odd.

The prime reason I totally ignore my neighbors is because I am rather shy and I don't really feel comfortable chatting with or even saying hello back to people I don't know. I can't put up a fake smile and act all friendly to my neighbors or random strangers because I don't care about impressing anyone. In your question, you state that you have been trying to say hello to your security guard for 2 years and you describe yourself as stubborn. I think you should give up because it is obvious attention whores like you revel in making others feel uncomfortable with your personality. You need to get rid of your narcissistic 'look at me' attitude and leave strangers alone.

@JAIRAGH
"I totally ignore my neighbors"
"I can't put up a fake smile and act all friendly to my neighbors"
Fine. Nobody really suffers from the isolated antisocial, but insisting that friendly people owe it to the shy or miserable to ignore them (how is anyone to know btw) is more than unreasonable. It's a recipe for a further decline in civilized society. We acknowledge that we are all in this together - because we are. I don't care about my neighbors but I'm friendly. It isn't hard. It's part of being a responsible adult and citizen.
Secondly and more importantly: You don't have time to utter a one syllable greeting but you can log in to spew insults at someone for asking a question. Your comment is offensive (I considered just flagging it). Your assumptions are unfounded. It's mean. The name-calling (which I won't quote) is beyond the pale. I'm calling you on it so I'm sure if you read this you'll hate on me too (fair enough) but I just hope you might consider what kind of person you want to be. Being a jerk is easy. I respect the writer and commenters who have the decency to be pleasant. That's what takes resolve. It must be draining to the descent to have run-ins with the malicious.

That's just a lack of manners. If someone says hello, you should say it back. It doesn't mean you need to have a conversation with them. It's worst then being anti-social, it's just weird and socially awkward.

@pearmelon - That's a good question.

We are definitely not as party-throwing as they are, but when we have one we do invite them - I don't think they have ever been available to attend. Their son and our son are good little buddies. We have invited them to his birthday party, but they have been unavailable the last two years. Their son often comes over often for playdates and popsicles, so we hoped this would show we are willing to be friends as well. They often have other famillies with kids over, and our son will see them playing through the fence and ask why we were not invited. We just explain that everyone has lots of different friends, so we spend time with each of them at different times.

I know it sounds petty - but we just have so little opportunity for sunshine in Seattle. So, it's hard to have them sort of "hogging" the backyard privacy so often. It gives us fewer opportunitites to entertain (we usually invite just a few couples over - and aren't nearly as noisy) or just to enjoy our deck as a family. We have even thought about approaching them and asking them to alternate summer weekend parties, but it just seems rude.

Part of it, I think is the difference between apartment living and having a house and yard to yourself; part of it is just the personalities of the individuals involved. I lived in an apartment for almost three years, and not only did I not know any of my neighbors personally, I actively detested them -- sometimes for things they could truly not control, like yappy dogs, or screaming children. And unfortunately, I'm non-confrontational, so while I never sought them out to complain about their dog barking at 3 am, had I been forced to have a conversation with them, my ire would doubtless have made itself known. And ultimately, apartment living is more or less designed to be temporary; there's no real urgency to be friendly, since one or both of you will probably move before any real issues crop up. Now that I've moved into a house of my own, I have a nodding acquaintance with my next door neighbor, enough to say hello and trade gardening tips; her son occasionally mows my front lawn if I haven't gotten to it yet. We're friendly, but we aren't friends; and I'm perfectly happy with that.

it's interesting for the people who don't have any contact/interaction with their neighbors you still refer to them as neighbors - I don't call my neighbors "neighbors" they are; just the people that live next door - that's it! I have lived here for 10 years and do not know one person I could go to in a pinch or if I needed help we literally live right next to each other and don't even make eye contact I would like to be at least friendly but, from the moment we moved in they made it very clear they were not interested so, I gave up I won't even do the "wave" what for? I think it's kind of false they might wave on the road in their cars but, I see them in the back yard and they turn the other way it's sad that people are right at your finger tips but, you might as well live in the woods what is the point of having "neighbors" if you can't be neighborly? We live in a nice normal well kept neighborhood and it's very unfriendly. I would love to have just one nice neighbor.

I say hi to my neighbours and that's about it. I'm very introverted and I don't really care what they think about me. It's probably nothing personal. Although frankly some people might withdraw if they think you are trying too hard.

Personally, I inherited my house from my parents when they passed away. I was born and raised here, though I have lived around the world, and moved away in my early 20s. My husband and I moved back in when my mom was too frail to live alone. There are only two homes from the entire block that are the original neighbors, people whom I have known my whole life, whose lives I know well also. Everyone else seems to come for a couple years, and move away, so quite frankly, I really don't WANT to get to know anyone. It's almost an annoyance to have to look up from what I'm doing to say hello as I know they're just passing through. Maybe the folks next door to me now are ok--they've been here about 7 years. When I lived in an apartment downtown, in my 20s, we used to all know each other, go to one another's apartments, have dinners, parties, barbeques together--again, we all moved away from the building one by one...

I think commonality is also lacking. I don't have kids, and don't go to church, so a lot of the things people try to lure you into are just time wasters for me.

@lizatrmbn do any of your neighbors work from home? If yes, I think the courteous thing would be to either seriously curtail your practice time (say to just one hour a day during business hours) or rent a practice space; many universities or churches have practice rooms. I work from home and if I had to hear five hours of trombone practice everyday I would consider that a serious violation of neighborhood noise policy. Yes, people have dogs and babies but these things seldomly make loud noises consistently for hours on end. I understand you need to practice, but I'm afraid your profession is a loud one and your neighbors shouldn't be subjected to it just because they share a building with you.

I don't understand why people feel they need to be best friends with their neighbors. Being acquainted is one thing. Being on good terms, fine. But when I move in somewhere, I'm not looking for a close relationship with those who live around me. And it has nothing to do with not liking them or hating them -I'm simply not a people person.

I think it's a little ridiculous to expect anything of perfect strangers, especially that all of them are going to want to get to know others on a personal level. I think it's better to just accept that if your neighbors don't want to talk with you or get to know you that it's not meant to offend you or hurt you and that it has more to do with their own personality than anything else in some cases. They simply don't care to have a personal relationship with you.

And I say this because I recently had an elderly neighbor yell at me for not saying hi enough, even though I've only seen her like 5 times since moving in 1 year ago. She even went so far as to call me and my fiance "un-american" for it. Okay, so since when did America become the only country in the world where people say 'hi' to their neighbor? For all she knows, I'm not even from America. Anyway, it just thought it was rather rude, and because of that, I now don't talk to her AT ALL. Moral of the story: If you want your neighbors to say hi or be more social with you, it's probably not a good idea to scream at them and call them names.

Hi & great article! In fact, I signed up just to leave you a comment!! Only yesterday, I posted something eerily similar on my FB page. What prompted my reply, is the amount of responders who said they were introverted and not looking to be besties with the neighbors. I'm am introvert too, though some that know me may find that rather hard to believe, but it's true! I'm an introvert to the core, and rarely leave my home, a hermit, and have been so for the last 38 years. When I do get out, I smile and nod at passerby, and take it as a personal challenge to get surly sorts to smile back. Not because I require anyone's approval, far from it, it's just fun to see who you can get to smile back, or not, and if they don't its like waving red in front a mad bull to me. I "charge" right anead!!

Here's the snippet I wrote yesterday and posted on FB, enjoy!

St. Louis city dwellers, I love you!! The nicest folks in the world! People passing by make eye contact, smile, say hello, some even make (gasp!) random small talk, to complete strangers!!! It's such a contrast to the county, where my smiles, nods, hello's!, are either simply ignored or I'm given the "don't feed the stray dog" look.

In the city of StL, it's not uncommon to hear "Hi neighbor! How are you today? Isn't it a beautiful day?", from someone who not only is NOT your neighbor, but someone you'll likely never see again. And to the lady in line behind me at the bank, who was hollering positive remarks about my Obama bumper sticker, girl- you're the bomb! To connect with someone & share an LOL with a post election gloat, while waiting for the ATM is a most pleasant surprise!

Peace to all my "neighbors" both far and wide! My "neighbors" are those pleasant people who take the time to smile and interact with their fellow man while out performing often mundane tasks. The people who have a smile ready for everyone & are kind, no matter how messed up their day has been, who always have positive words to say to others. Sadly, they seem to congregate mostly east of me in the city proper.

I don't why suburbanites close themselves off from one another, but to my "neighbor-neighbor's": Look around you, smile once in awhile. I'm not going to follow you home if you do and beg for scraps. I'm not trying to be your "friend" when I randomly smile at you, & I'm not trying to "pick you up" either.

I'm just trying to be a good neighbor, neighbor.

I live in a pretty quiet neighborhood and I get along with all of my neighbors but I have not met any of the other neighbors down the street the only neighbors that I talk to
Are the people that are the closest to me and my parent's house and they
Seem pretty nice and friendly and my parent's and I live in a trailer park
And It is very nice and quiet there is not a whole lot of noise that goes on
Around here but I like things nice and quiet. And so do my parents.

I also find it creepy when people try to manipulate and coerce me into relationships that I do not want or to adhere to social contracts I never agreed to in the first place. I wonder where they get the expectation that the world is suppose to conform to their expectations.

I used to be friendly, but keep my distance and do not stick my nose into other people's business. Despite that other people try to involve me in situations that I want no part of. Now I don't want to know my neighbors as I've had bad experiences. I tend to avoid most of them like the plague and I do not want to be involved in their ugly horrible existences.

While I'm not rude I do everything in my power to avoid them. I find given my experiences that it is just wise to not trust people that you barely know. Also I've learned to regret being a "nice" person, given that some of my neigbhors have demonstrated that they are manipulative and out right whacko with horrible boundaries. No one needs that in their life, so if you just keep the distance it makes it less awkward to cut ties, if you need too.

ha yes, L.A. apt dweller, i pretty much stay to myself in my rent controlled 3rd floor apt that i have lived for 10yrs, I have a psycho black lady living in the adjacent apt (bathroom wall connected) who likes to run water all the time, has never worked since ive lived there and sounds like she practically lives in her bathroom, the young people next door (share hallway) are in and out all the time and slam their door. The creepy asian guy (down the hall) who rushes to his car everytime im in his near vicinity. The white lady who "collects and sells" others people resellable trash also on the 3rd floor. I have some young girl, who i dont know, on the 1st floor, who trys to get my attention by saying "hi" everytime in our parking garage, last time, she got belligerent, yelled at me and said "im not very nice" in front of her boyfriend while i was going down the stairs and they were coming up. I made the mistake of telling her my first name a while back while i was opening the garage door to exit. Now she calls me by my first name when she wants attention. Apparently, she is now upset that i dont acknowledge her back. I think she likes me but i dont think she knows im gay, i dont live in the "gay ghetto" of west hollywood and to my knowledge i dont have any gay neighbors. I just want to be left alone and go about my business. Nosey neighbor(s) that prob wants to know my business which i am not inclined to give, im sure that is what is upsetting her, but why do i care, or am i supposed to? she had no business yelling at me esp in front of her boyfriend, was this a power play on her part, show off to her boyfriend?.

i dont know their business or anybody else in my building for that matter and i dont want to know. I once had a "kids" drawing placed on my divers side window in my garage saying "smile", where do these people get off? We dont live in the south or very north where people wave to total strangers, between the psycho bathroom water lady and now this needy attention girl is borderline stalking.

I dont want "relationships" with my straight neighbors, some questionable. If im waxing my car in the garage and someone approaches me, or doing laundry, sure, i'll chat. But when im going somewhere and its obvious, why do i need to stop and acknowledge when im in a hurry. Sometimes, in the elevator, i'll make small talk, but when that door opens, good bye.

i am sure during cases of emergency, like power outage, fire or earthquake "the building" would come together and we prob would help eachother like all people do in an emergency. But until that happens, you keep to yourself, i will do the same. Otherwise, ive usually had no trouble and have enjoyed living there. I think just some people have to know others business, the only one should know is your manager, limited of course.

I'am one of those neighbors that every one finds difficult I have caused people a lot of trouble I guess I have mental disorders and stay home all day,in the past neighbors have driven me insane with there yelling abuse at me,I do want to get on but I'am highly introverted and now just want to be left alone so if I look at you funny or strangely or act weird don't take it wrong I have ALOT on my plate.

You can't let it bother you. Be grateful if the worst problem you have is unfriendly neighbors... it's much better than BAD neighbors or even neighbors that are TOO friendly and intrusive!!!
People are people. We also have a tendency of generalizing and saying all of our neighbors are creepy or unfriendly when the truth is just a few of them are and we forget about all the friendly ones. Sometimes we just have the luck of having all our immediate neighbors as the unfriendly one's and all the friendly one's just happen to be down the block.
Again... just be grateful if you don't have neighbors that block your driveway, play basketball all freaking day, hang their carpet to dry on your fence, mutilate your tree, blast music, start fights with you... etc. I will take glum, unfriendly people ANY DAY over that!!!! :>)

(partially) in reply to Basil&Bones quote:
"All I could think was, 'She's very nice, and would notice a burgler, but the yard isn't fenced, and is she going to stop by everytime one of us in the yard???' *shudder*"

Be glad you didn't move in and deal with something like that. My wife and I live in a condo (these are old apartments that were converted over to condos), and we can't stand our neighbor who lives next door to us and is just like that... maybe worse. Unfortunately he moved in a couple of years or so after we did (we've lived in our place for about 7 years now).

To put this into some physical perspective, pretty much all of the units in our building have a patio. This is a 3-story building. Those of us on the first floor (which includes us and the neighbor) can enter and exit our units from our patios. We also have what is technically the 'main door' to our unit which comes off of a common hallway. We pretty much only use the 'main door' to go get mail and do our laundry (there is a shared laundry room with machines that take quarters). The rest of the time we use our patio since we park our cars in the parking lot right outside of it.

Before I go on about this specific neighbor, I'd just like to point out that in general I try to be friendly to my neighbors. I'll either say hi to them in passing, or reply to them saying hello to me. There are a couple of people in the building who at times I've had longer conversations with, and for the most part they are good people and nice to talk to. Neither my wife or I try to get too "chummy" with anyone in the building, as I guess you could say that we are sort of introverts. It's not that we don't like socializing with people at times, but we aren't really the type who like to have people randomly dropping by for no particular reason at all (or for any minor reason they can think of). When we come home from work, we generally just want to relax and not be bothered. But we do like having a rough idea of who our neighbors are, look out for each other if anything suspicious goes on etc.

So, getting back to the particular neighbor in question, this guy has NO sense of boundaries or personal space. He is in his 50s, divorced (apparently more than once, though I forget the exact amount of times), has a daughter who has all kinds of problems apparently (she doesn't live with him).

If I recall correctly, the first time I ever really talked to the guy (which mainly consisted of him doing the talking and me kind of giving one or two work responses) was in the middle of frigging winter when I was scraping the snow and ice off of my car to get ready for work. I'm busy scraping, and he's just standing there, a few feet away, telling me his name, and random facts about himself like him having a daughter, etc. It was very awkward and the whole time I was just wishing he would go away.

It wasn't too long after I had first met the guy that during another conversation he was telling me about the colonoscopy that he just had. I'm not joking... this is not an exaggeration... he was telling me about his colonoscopy.

And when he talks, he has this tendency to sort of mumble and ramble all at the same time. Then when he "tries to keep things short" as he puts it, he will actually waste a lot more time by saying that he's "trying to keep things short" or trying to rephrase things and say "I guess this is the best way to put it". And even when he gets to the point of whatever the hell it is he was wanting and trying to say, that's never the end of the conversation. He always wants to veer off onto another topic/tangent, and doesn't know when to stop.

And he's always looking for someone to talk to. I am it's borderline stalking in our opinions (my wife and me). He'll do things like leave his card doors or trunk open to make it appear as if he's unloading groceries or other items from it, when in reality he's not doing anything... he's just making an excuse to either be outside or be able to step outside if he sees someone coming by that he can stop and annoy the crap out of.

He's almost worse in-doors, though. If he's looking for someone to talk to, he will apparently hover around near his door that leads to the common hallway, and if he hears someone's door open down the hall, his will 'mysteriously' open just a second or so later.

My wife and I have our computer and desk set up right near the 'main entrance' to our unit that leads to the hallway, and our kitchenette is right next to that. We mainly set it up (the computer) there just because it was the easiest place for us to fit it with all of the furniture that we have. Because of this, we can hear anything going on in the hallway when surfing the internet or cooking in the kitchen. Not that we are trying to listen in on people general or anything (we are of the mind frames that in general we mind our own business and don't want to be wrapped up in the business of others), but it just happens to be an unintended side effect.

But as a combined result of being able to hear these things and us picking up on our neighbor's behavior in order to avoid him, we have noticed that if we hear someone's door open down the hall, his will often magically open immediately after that.... and he will either start talking at the top of his lungs to the person if he sees them (a combination of him being hard of hearing and having a hearing aid.. and just simply being obnoxious), or if he sees nobody (if they moved fast enough, or if they were entering their unit rather than leaving), suddenly his door slams shut immediately after. I think there's some issue with his door and it's not quite lined up right, because it always closes pretty hard and makes a lot of noise. We can actually hear that while watching TV in our living room where we otherwise can't hear most of the goings-on in the hallway. His door may open and close several times within a few minute period, and we KNOW it's him just stalking for someone to talk to. Even if he's doing laundry, it shouldn't require him to leave and enter his unit 5 times within a few minutes... and when/if he has actual groceries, he brings them in from his patio door.

The thing of it is, as messed up as all of this is on his part, I'm not completely heartless and I do kind of feel bad for the guy. He lives alone, he's a trucker and is on the road a lot (which from the annoyance standpoint is nice for us since he's not around when that happens), it sounds like he doesn't have much in the way of close family to speak of. His daughter hasn't been around to his place anytime in the past few years that I've been aware of, and I recall him saying something about her trying to kill herself at one point. The guy is probably just genuinely lonely, so there is a small part of me that does feel bad for him. But I don't want to extend any genuine friendship to him (or god forbid actually invite him into our place) because once I open that door, it will be impossible to close. I also like to have a repore, where possible, with neighbors where we are at least looking out for each other in the event of any crime or suspicious activity going on around the building, but he makes that difficult.

On occasion, if a long time has passed since I've really talked to him, and if I'm not in any kind of hurry, I may take a few minutes to talk to him if I happen to bump into him, but I often end up regretting it. A few weeks back he was complaining about another neighbor who lives on the second floor as I was getting my mail. That guy (the 2nd floor neighbor) has this obnoxiously HUGE truck which can't even properly fit into the parking spaces (and because of this one truck, the association has recently enforced some new parking rules for larger vehicles of that nature). My wife and I hate that truck, too, and it's often in the way of things (though we have no other specific problem with that other neighbor outside of the truck issues). Well, my annoying next-door neighbor was upset because the truck was parked in the one of the spaces just outside of his patio, and he has told the guy that he doesn't like it being parked there. I pointed out to him that per the new rules, there are only certain spaces that vehicles of that type are supposed to park in, and that the 2nd floor neighbor was violating those rules by parking in any of the spaces by either of our patios.... and he was glad that I reminded him of that (he had read the new rules but forgot about them), and was going to use that to his advantage. Now, had that been the end of the conversation, it would have been fine. I helped him solve a problem, and now I was ready to take my mail, go back to my place, and relax for the evening. But then he started up on another topic and wouldn't stop. I'm standing there with my door partly open so I can go in, but he won't let up. My awesome wife helped me out by setting the timer on our oven for 1 minute (even though nothing was in it), so when the timer went off, I was able to say I had to go in to check on the food in the oven. This was the last time that I gave him an inch, and haven't given him one since.

If I know he's home and if I need to do laundry or check mail, I will often try to open our locks and the door itself very slowly and quietly to avoid catching his attention. But sometimes I forget or just don't realize that he's home (it can be questionable because his car is often still in the parking lot even when he's on the road), and then I get stuck.

I actually made the mistake of not being more careful about this just a couple of days ago.. the morning of Christmas Eve. I was trying to get some laundry done that morning because my wife and I had plans to go to my Mom's house later that day (and then to her family's house the next day). I had the laundry basket in my arms, I open our door, I'm just barely a few steps down the hall, and he opens his door and says he has something he wants to ask me about, and I point out that I'm busy and am trying to get my laundry done. He says that he'll talk to me in a few minutes after I load up the washers (I say nothing in reply). Now, being that it's Christmas and all, and knowing that he probably had no where to go, I really didn't WANT to be mean to him, but at the same time my wife and I were busy getting a lot of things ready for both that night and the next day, and I really just didn't have the time or patience to deal with him. After I loaded up the washers and started to head back down the hall to my place, I ould tell that he's in his unit waiting for me with the door closed.... his door is the one at the end of the hall (my door is perpendicular to his), and I can see the light under his door and the lack of it where he's standing and moving around.

At this point I'm only carrying the bottle of detergent. Instead of actually going into my unit, I turned early to go to the stairwell where I go to get mail, and ended up going all of the way up to the 3rd floor. I really had no plan, I was just hoping that he would go away. As I get to the top of the stairs, I hear him open the door at the bottom of the stairway, and he makes some comment like "oh hi" to some other neighbor that was moving about down there (so I knew he was there. At this point he couldn't see me, and I just proceeded to the 3rd floor hallway. I went to the other end of the hallway and went down the other flight of stairs. As I get to the bottom, I hadn't opened the door to go back out to the first floor hallway, but I could hear him (this leads to right near the laundry room where I had been previously, so he must have been looking for me there). I ended up going back up the stairs (only to the 2nd floor this time), then back down the previously stairway. By the time I get down the stairs, I can hear him banging on the door of my unit saying, "Brandon, are you home?" At this point I was just livid (and my wife was, too, as I found out shortly there after... she was still in our unit when all of this was going on).

Finally I stepped out of the stairway, and he (in a 'friendly' voice) goes, "oh, there you are!" and I just ripped into him. I said, "What the hell do you do? Stalk people?!" he backed off a bit, and said that I must have woken up in a bad mood like he did that day (which wasn't the case at all... my mood was fine until I had to deal with him). He was asking about some other neighbor down the hall who recently moved out. I said I really didn't know much about it (since unlike him, I don't need to know everything about my neighbors, right down to their anal health) other than I saw them bringing boxes out of their unit the other day. Then he tries to go on another subject or something, and I said I have to go, and he kept trying to talk, and I just went into my unit, shut the door, and locked it. Luckily I didn't run into him again when finishing up my laundry later.

A few hours later in the afternoon, my wife and I are getting ready to go to my Mom's house to spend Christmas Eve with my family. We are getting bags together of presents that we are taking and some snacks and deserts that my wife made. I look through the blinds, and I see his trunk open as I'm getting ready to go outside. I wait a few minutes, and there's no sign of him, but the trunk is still open (to the best I can tell, nothing was in it, though I didn't have a clear view). We just end up going outside of load up the car because we don't have time to wait for him. My wife gets in the car, and I go to lock our patio door after loading up the last few things that I had. As I'm walking to the car, out of the corner of my eye I see him coming to his car looking in the trunk as if he's actually doing something (which he isn't), and I don't actually look his way, I just get in the car and take off.

Later that night, after we got back from my Mom's house, I went to check our mail (and was quiet when going through the hall). As I'm heading back to my unit, he's apparently coming down the hall from somewhere roughly around the laundry room. I didn't see him, but suddenly I hear him say, "There he is!" (his "jovial" greeting that he often likes to use when he sees me which just grates on my nerves to no end), I just sort of jumped and cringed upon hearing his voice. I didn't turn around or acknowledge him... I just went into my unit, slammed the door, and locked it.

I really don't wish bad things upon him, but I really want nothing to do with him, and he lives right next door. We can't move because thanks to the 'stellar' housing market, the value of our condo is WAY down (like 1/4 of what we closed on it for back in 2005), and we owe way more on the mortgage than what it's worth. For a number of reasons (many of which are separate from our neighbor) I wish we had never bought the place, but what I wouldn't give for either him or us to move out.

Hi
I like to be courteous and acknowledge my neighbours, but not to the point of being friendly. I have a unit next door that is rented (I am an owner). A young woman and her child moved in and on the first day she was non stop at my place asking to borrow tools, phone book, etc. That was an early warning sign...she ended up being asked to leave - took it upon herself to remove semi mature trees from the common garden area, which made my blood boil. She is now gone and I am stuck with trying to regenerate the garden.

The other thing that I have on either side is basketball rings/courts. Thud, thud, thud, bang, at any time of the day or night. It is like some kind of torture - they should use that when trying to get confessions from people.

I would be happy just to have respectful neighbours who respect the home they are in, whether thiers or rented - dont leave rubbish and look after the garden etc and who have common decency about the noise they are making. To the musician - I think you sound very disrespectful to your neighbours - as has been pointed out to you, your craft is noisy and you should not be polluting other's right to quiet with that - rent a space.

I have had so many varied experiences with neighbors. I have moved around alot when my husband was going through he ropes in his career and I mostly had ran into other stay at home moms or the elderly. Sometimes drunk college students and grown adults living at home in the parents basement. I would say that even with the few good experiences in my opinion... It's better to just keep to yourself. I lived in mostly upper class areas that were either gated or were well sought after areas...so that being said, should tell you something. The first place we lived was an apt in the Midwest that was very private and wooded. High on a hills and close to the city where we would bike in on any given Saturday and have lunch. We were just married and had not started our family yet so we worked and were very busy. I don't ever remember seeing an neighbor or anyone saying hello and I didn't think a thing about it. We did once get a visit from the local amway rep and I can remember inviting her in and having lemonade on my terrace with her. I was you g and I was far from where I was born and raised.
The next place we lived was down south... Deep South. Where if your not born there and pack a friend... Your tolerated at best. I did meet others like me but we had not much we in common. Either thy were much older or they had kids. I was told by two local business ownes that if you moved here and had money people would first ask your last name and then check around and if no one knew you... You were trouble and most likely a drug dealer. I asked these two business owners why they would be so friendly to me a d they said that they were unlike most of the folks around town. It was very odd. We glad to move when we did.
We then moved upstate and lived In a townhome next to nice friendly elderly couple who were very nice and would bake us cookies. Their grown son was a user and was in and out of trouble often... Thankfully we found that when we were moving and I didn't have to worry about my home being broke into.
Then we bought our first home and met our new neighbors who were too friendly who wanted to socialize way too much. We did not want to drink every weekend with them and then they just stopped talking to us. It was weird. They were quite offended by that. And they smoked in their home while we were visiting. I have asthma and yet I stayed way too long. I mentioned that and yet they kept lighting up...we then had them in our home later and had an smoking area outside on the patio...they were insulted by that.
Then we moved back home where are planning on staying for good. And the neighbors here are a mixed bag of nuts. One elderly woman has no boundaries and talks extreme political views and gets angry if you don't agree with her. I put her on the hello and goodbye status and then she went talking behind my back to the new neighbors who are way too friendly to the point of creepiness. I avoid them like the plague. The other neighbor said my dogs can't bark in a rather rude letter. Legally they can bArk up to 15 minutes a day. I never broke that rule. Apparently this guy has alot of enemies and he is quite shady. They have very odd habits. Will leave it to that. He threw a Rick in my basement window. I called he police and they said he has a record of arrests and DUI so I just avoid him as best we can.
We then have a crazy woman who walks her dog every three hours who lives with her mother. She is bipolar and is downright nuts. She also spreads rumors and apparently has no life and needs medication.
I have give given up on people. I seem too much and honestly people as crazy. I will say hello if spoken to but I keep on walking as I speak it.
I really enjoyed the comments here. And I agree with the senior citizen here said that the best advice she has ever gotten was to say hello but keep on walking

Sorry for the typos! I am trying to type on my new phone and it's very challenging !

Oh my god! I forgot one experience that I should of added. I will agree without poster here about basketballs! Awful. We had a very large family across the street who always bounced basketballs! The single mom has wild parties at night and he drinking drug parties went out into the street. Swearing and hearing glass break as common at 2 am. Next door to her was a religious nut who drove her churches van home and would scream at her poor children to get out and open he door in the middle of the night... It was in a very demonic voice and she was quite abusive to her children... Who cried and tried to reason with her. Next door to me was a drug bust that had the parents jailed and kids removed.
The entire plan was full of people who were either on drugs or just plain crazy.. The few good people ran into their homes after work and you never see them again.
I found out later that the last two home ownes had issues too and that. They both lived there under 18 months
My lesson here is that when in doubt to buy a home... Don't. I had doubts about this plan but was told it was very affordable for the area and relatively safe. It wasn't. It was a upper class slum ghetto. Looked nice and had an HOA whom hid their heads in the sand.
Thankfully we got out before the crash and was a me to sell with no loss. If e had waited even a few months later we would of be trapped there As the values went down 30 grand almost over night.

I am sorry leavemealone... I understand that. I have figured most people out and the verdict is I don't like most. I used to be friendly... Life taught me not to be. I woke up and now I am much happier and safer too.
We have a creepy couple who moved in... Right away they got very Nosey and asked alot of personal questions and insulted my husband for not being friendly to my face!
I told them he is very shy and it's not personal but they went on and on and kept slamming him. My husband told me if I was more like him I could spare myself other people dramas and insults... He is right!
In fact this couple is way too Nosey and I am rather suspicious of their motives... Without going into why here... I will say this...

You have way more to worry about that Nosey perky neighbor than you do about the one who seems aloof!

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I have lived in apartments almost 20 years, moved to FL, I have a nice inexpensive studio apartment, I like it, I HATE MY NEIGHBORS. They are from other countries, they are loud, and rude. I cannot stand them, I used to be friendly, now I will not even acknowledge them. I apologize, I try to tolerate others, especially different cultures, but several of my neighbors I just cannot stand. I ignore them, they pretty much suck. As long as I live here, I will not talk to them, even acknowledge them, they behave like animals.

I can understand this issue, my best advice is don't talk to them. I know it's sad, but I have been living in a apartment with another neighbor right down the hall and he is paranoid, so I tried being nice and kind, but the more I do the more he acts weird, he's nice back too sometimes, but I've resolved to never speak with him as long as I am not required, because he just acts too weird. He once asked me if he had heard about neighbors or kids at the college I attend calling him gay, and thought I was sent by someone to get information on him because he believes in ufos. I just have resolved to never ever speak with him if I can avoid it.

I know this is a late comment, but I just had to comment and say something. Now I don't live in an apartment (I used to) but I live in a neighbourhood where most of my neighbours hate me for some unknown reason. I have been nice to them, I've smiled and waved, I've said "hi", I've said "good morning", I've even tried to start conversations with them, but they hate me. Only one neighbour is nice, but we've never even talked to each other, but his son has waved at me, so they must be nice.

I've lived here for almost 5 years (My parents rent the house from my Dad's Mother, I'm still a teenager so I obviously still live with them), since we have moved in they just glared at us, literally. But it really all started about 10 months ago... My neighbour, Mary Lou, had friends over, but they all parked in front of the house and blocked our drive way, so my Mom and I couldn't leave to go to the store. My Father politely asked the guy to move his car, his wife said sure but he said it's a free country and he shouldn't move it. My Father asked again, the guy finally got really, really, angry, and my Dad touched the truck and said "Could you please move your truck? there is plenty of room on your side of the street." The guy flipped and said if you ever touch my truck again, you'll be asking for a fight, and then he finally moved it but he stared at my Father across the street with his hands on his hips, and said "You're what's wrong with this world. You Obama lovers." (Which is funny, because my Dad didn't even vote for Obama) and started flipping my Father off so my Father returned the favour.

So a few months ago, this whole deal with them staring at us started again, and my Dad flipped the guy off, and then the guy started threatening My Father saying stuff like "Oh, I'm going to kick your ass." and my Dad said "What?" and took a step closer to the street, and the guy flipped out and got in his car and sped away. Then the cops showed up, and said that they said my Dad made threatening remarks to them, and that he flipped them off. But my Dad only flipped them off, nothing more. It was crazy.

Then about three months ago, or so, one of our neighbours was talking to the mailman, and my Dad walked out to put the trash out, then the mailman come over and started a verbal fight with my Dad. The next day my Dad and the mailman got into another verbal fight, but then they both got to the truth and patched things up. It turns out that neighbour asked the mailman if he knew us, and he said no, she then proceeded to say that we were troublemakers, and we're always watching people.

(Which isn't true, this is a neighbourhood full of elderly people, who ALWAYS watch us, I can always see the blinds opening up with someone makes a move outside. Except the guy on the corner, who owns a camera shop, and has a really hot teenage son, well he's in collage now, so he isn't a teenager anymore, but he's still hot)

Anyway, so she told the mailman all of these lies about us, so he thought my Dad was watching them when he came out to put the trash out. So the mailman apologized for believing so quickly and for just getting one side of the story, and my Dad apologized for yelling at the guy.

So anyway, our neighbours really suck. They hate us. Oh and Mary Lou hates my little brother and I because we're homeschooled and she used to be a teacher. She doesn't believe in homeschooling.

Wow, I'm so sorry that was really long, but I guess it's good to get the whole back story in.