Can I add "don't be ridiculous in your food preferences"? It's one thing to have food allergies, keep kosher or hallal, be vegetarian, vegan, or gluten free (for medical reasons) or a matter of other things I would consider a "must do"...but you don't like cranberries so could I make a salad without them? Or to be told, "Oh, I'll find something" doesn't instill a sense of warmth. It's clear when someone doesn't like what is planned, and doesn't think they'll be able to enjoy the meal. At some point, it's not because I haven't planned a good meal; it's because their demands are too great to accommodate, and the rest of the party suffers.

Also, "don't be a freeloader" and "stay for the people, not the food." Don't come just for a free meal, and leave right after because you have plans.

On a funny twist, I was just invited to a BBQ where the invitation said to bring all my own food (main, side and dessert), drinks, utensils, napkins, and grill. Seriously, I might as well stay home. Being a good guest and a good host kinda go hand-in-hand.

Great tips, I will print this out.

House-sitting is a favour you do for a friend. It's already enough. I agree with leaving the house clean and in good order, but you don't owe them a bottle of wine or a meal as well.

Agree with bringing your own pool/beach towel. Organise your own transport. Anyone who cooks is always welcome in my house, too.

I would be thrilled if guests would RSVP in a reasonable amount of time (as opposed to the day before the party) and show up if they said they would attend. It's difficult to plan food, drinks and seating when you aren't sure if there will be 8 or 20 people.

I absolutely love these suggestions. I will apply them on my next stay. EM

along these lines, i appreciate when party invitees ask me BEFORE the event what they can/should bring, not call me on their way over when i'm already up to my eyebrows in party preparation!

PI you kill me and I empathize. I had a friend who didn't like anything, and my take on the issue is, when you enter someone else's home, you eat what THEY have, and not complain that it is not what YOU eat.

Here is a good one, don't get so drunk that you have accident on the host's bathroom floor. Yes, I was the proud recipient of that one.

Houseguests: Make yourself at home, but not to the extent that YOUR friends take preference over the host's guests. In fact, don't invite people to stay unless it's to your own place.

This is a great post. Definitely re-post it next May. Here are some more...

- Do not set up a makeup workstation in the bathroom. When you're not using it, the only thing that should remain in the bathroom is your towel and a toothbrush.
- Do not bring pets unless they are specifically invited
- If you smoke in a house of non smokers, smoke far outside and discard your butts. Air yourself out before coming back inside.
- If you have children and the people inviting you don't, then don't assume they're invited
- Make breakfast or occasionally go into town and grab breakfast. Don't wake up and go "what's on the menu for today?"
- Keep your stuff in your bedroom and out of the living areas.
- If it's for a week or more, plan one or two days on your own exploring the area. It's good to get a break, even from people you love.
- Plan to have your own transportation. If it ends up not being necessary, you can always cancel the rental.
- Look up things that you'd like to go and see in town. It's often something that your hosts would like to see also. And it takes some of the pressure off of them to constantly entertain.
- Help strip the bed and clean the bathroom when it's time to leave.

This stuff seems obvious. But you'd be amazed at how many people don't understand the basics.

May I just say how much I love the mention of a 'thanks'? Wherever I go, be it friends parent's house for sailing, or on a backpacking trip that I did not have to plan, I always send a thank you note. For all the people I have to my apartment, though, I have yet to get one. It seems like they enjoyed themselves.... so my conclusion is they just don't know how much a quick note and a stamp will make my day. Compared to all the effort the host went through to make you comfortable and happy, five minutes to write that note and stick it in the mail box is nothing.

We have a new rule among our group of friends - if you were specifically invited ahead of time, and you cancel to close to the event (<24 hours for dinner, <1 week for a trip), you owe the host a bottle of liquor. Each time it happens, the quality of the booze must increase!

How do I get a life like yours?

Oh, to have such thoughtful houseguests. I never have, but then most of my guests are relatives (and why is it relatives don't feel the need to be thoughtful?).

Regarding hostess gifts, here's a dilemma I've faced with dinner invitations: I phone or e-mail hostess to ask what I should bring, hostess says bring nothing. I arrive with no meal contribution, only to find that others have brought things (once it was even a birthday party and there were gifts, but no one had told me, and I was mortified). Should I just not ask and bring whatever? Should I ignore the hostess instruction and bring stuff anyway? The thing is, I have had people bring food to a meal I had planned carefully and cooked and baked for, and they expect me to serve what they brought. One guest brought an entire bakery cake, but I had spent an entire day baking one. What to do?

A bouquet of cut flowers is, by the way, a nice gesture, but it can be unwieldy for a harried hostess to deal with as guests are arriving. I would always prefer, as a hostess, a small, thoughtful something in a gift bag that can be tucked away until later. If you want to give flowers, send them ahead of time (alert the hostess), bring them in a case or arrangement, or bring a live plant.

Bring your own toiletries. I've had entire families arrive and plow through my toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, even moisturizer. I often keep a little basket of sample/hotel sizes, but I've been told, "Oh we just like to use whatever you have out for yourself."

Don't behave as though their house is yours. If you're sharing a bathroom with anyone who lives there, don't leave your toiletries in there, don't hang your pj's on their hook. I once had a guy put his stuff over mine on a hook, and the hook pulled out of the wall. Don't help yourself to the washer and dryer without asking first.

I think a lot of these are great tips, but also agree with melissapauline about housesitting. I've house/dog-sat for people before, and they've offered to buy me dinner as a thank-you, because I wasn't a "guest" per so, I was helping them out and saving them money. Their other option was paying their dog-sitter extra to hang out with their dog and keep him from being lonely. I vacuumed up after the cute little shed-monster, and cleaned the kitchen after I used it, but I wasn't about to go buy them a bath mat.

With house-swapping, that's different, since everyone's doing everyone else a favor.

*Paying their dog-WALKER extra

So I have to bring two gifts if I'm staying with someone for the weekend? Seems a bit excessive. I think one thank-you gift is enough, along with the other suggestions. Another good suggestion is to make sure the host can use your gift. I have family members who don't drink yet are given bottles of wine and liquor all the time by well-meaning guests. They'll serve it to the guests if given before dinner, but otherwise they're not using it.
Don't be overly dependent on your host. This can be anything from talking to other guests to getting yourself breakfast to finding things to do. A good host will help with this, of course, but cannot do it all by him/herself.

As someone who has been more of a houseguest than anything, I'll say that I always try to be invisible. Not getting in the way, allowing the family to do what they always do and work around it. I have left money for people, and sometimes it was sent back to me. And can I say, that I have stayed with a family who made it clear you are not very welcome here? They did so with smiles--it was little things they said, how they hushed when i came into a room because they were talking about me, but it made it very awkward for me, even though there was no reason why I should be (quiet, with my own car, tucked away in one of 2 guest rooms downstairs and cooking for myself,). I even offered to help with any errands and they loaded them on me ungratefully. It ruined my trip feeling unwanted.
Guests should always always be considerate, but the people they stay with should want them there; if they don't, we can tell.

I agree with MELISSAPAULINE that the housesitting suggestions seem like a bit much. A meal, flowers, stocked fridge, and a gift? If someone did that for me I'd think they were in love with me.

I'm the guest who arrives with a giant basket of grapes-- three or four varieties. the basket always loks gorgeous and is appreciated-- grapes get eaten and odd varieties commented on. if I can't find stunning grapes I add other fruits that are easy to nibble. I bake a lot, so I usually bring pumpernickel rolls or madeleines in addition.

I hate overnight stays unless I really know the person and am close to them. -- I'd rather be in a motel than in a dingy guestroom and have to deal with a dirty bathroom -- how do you ask for cleaning supplies? you really can't .

don't make rude comments or "helpful" comments about the decor. you're a guest, not their decorator. I had a guest that kept on about a complete gut & reno job on my kitchen ( not gonna happen and her endless chat about moving appliances and windows and tearing out the pantry grew tiresome )

This is all great advice! I would amend some of the house sitting stuff though - if somebody was house-sitting for me, I would expect them to clean up their own messes (and clean the bathroom, please!) but I would never expect a gift. If anything, the home owner should get the house sitter a gift for taking care of their home.
I feel your pain @Rural and rueful. I once spent hours in the kitchen making a beautiful cake. Then one of my guests showed up with a cheap-o store bought frozen cake expecting me to defrost it and take care of it. Since it was still frozen solid, I put it in the freezer telling the person "I already have a cake, so why don't we save this for future use?" She got mad and told me we had to have hers because that's what she happened to be in the mood for.
My mother-in-law disregards pretty much all of the advice above. She is famous for bringing random food items that don't go with whatever is for dinner. Telling her not to bring anything doesn't work, so for a while I was asking her to bring appetizers. Since she's also famous for being late (as in 1-2 hours late), we've had a couple of dinners without appetizers. Now, I let her bring whatever she wants realizing that all I have to do is put it in a bowl and put it on the table - I don't have to eat it. Luckily, my husband stepped in the year she brought 4 pots of artichokes (2 artichokes per person) for Thanksgiving dinner expecting us to heat them up for her (we only have a 4 burner stove and we were using 2 of them already, you do the math).
In her defense, she tries to help but she is one of those helpers who will do your dishes (very nice) and then put them away so you can't find them (ARGH).
On the other hand, I've had some wonderful guests who could write books on how to be a good guests. @PI - We once had a guy stay at our house who took your advice to heart (and almost too far). He didn't tell us that he doesn't like fish because he didn't want to inconvenience us. I was planning a nice fish dinner for my guests and remembered to ask if it was ok. He didn't say anything but his friend spilled the beans and we had hamburgers instead, which everybody enjoyed.
I've had some guests who were so neat that the only way you would know they were even there was because of an extra pair of shoes by the door (of course, they kept their spare shoes in the suitcase).
When my mom stays with us, I have to sneak to the grocery store because otherwise she will insist on paying for all of our food. She also helps around the house but she always asks first if it's OK - as in "Can I help with dinner or is it easier if I stay in the living room and out of the way?" The best part about that - she is fine either way, she loves to help but she understands that sometimes "help" doesn't really help at all.

I make and send Thank You cards for anything anyone does for me. Even if I've gone out with a friend for a simple dinner and movie. I thank them for their time.
Personally, when I say no gifts, I mean no gifts and everyone who knows me knows to take me at my words. No means no. I think it's disrespectful to the host request when you take it upon yourself to do otherwise.
I had a friend who would stay with me during the week for about 6 months on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays since her commute to work was over 100 miles one way. I did not charge her anything to stay (a freind of 35+ years) but asked her to bring her own food. She would bring wine, sweets or plants which was her way of saying thanks, but I continually told her that I could not afford to feed us both. She finally 'got-it' and brought me a huge package of chicken that would feed an army. DON'T TAKE YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY FOR GRANTED. They just might close the doors that next time.

I absolutely love these suggestions. I will apply these to myself the next time I am ever in that type of situation. I think one thing that bothers me the most about guests are guests who don't clean up after themselves. O, and guests who don't show appreciation at all. Its nice to have someone but at the end of the day I prefer my own privacy.

CBREYNOLDS - I feel your pain! While I realize that not everyone can afford to put on an extravaganza for all of their friends, I am tired of "bringing a dish to grill, one to pass and a beverage". At a recent event I watched a guest pick the mozzarella out of the caprese salad I brought because, not only did we have to provide our own food to share, there were no plates or utensils provided by the host.

I love having friends over for a meal, and I always think it is appropriate to bring something to the host, but I am over the potluck, BYO everything. I prefer more traditional, and might I add reciprocal get-togethers with happy hosts and appreciative guests.

I second the suggestion to have something to do already planned. And have preferences! If you're visiting and have a budget, be clear about it. If the host wants to go to places you can't afford, it's ok to speak up and suggest an affordable option.

I had a houseguest, someone whom I am very fond of, who stayed for a week and never had any plans of his own and never seemed to have any preferences. Planning a whole vacation for someone is a lot of work, and not all hosts have the time off from work when you're visiting to do it. I should add, that other than that he was great.

To be honest, I think I can be a difficult guest because I'm vegan, but I always research restaurants in advance to have suggestions ready and I'm willing to eat the ubiquitous hummus platter at a restaurant the host prefers.

I'd say the rule for gifts is to make it something that doesn't require immediate attention, or dusting- pastries, chocolate, booze, etc. Although it breaks the dusting rule, I've found that everyone can use a trivet. For a weekend, I try to bring a pie. If it doesn't go with dinner, it'll make excellent breakfast/snack.

I used to host alot of couchsurfers, and learned two things: Get out of your hosts way periodically. And do the dishes. It's fool proof. I loved not having to do it, and if they were terrible at it... well, I'd expected to do them anyway, so no loss. On the other end of the spectrum, an unexpected (and not entirely welcome guest) tried to help out by tidying my house, and months later I was still finding things is odd places.

Under "Weekends Away", I especially like the suggestion to plan to spend some time alone. I will have family members from out of town arrive and expect me to entertain them the entire time they're there. After 5 years in the same location, I've run out of suggestions of museums, parks, and other venues to take them to. I just want them to settle down and enjoy some quality time together without having to be their tour guide.

The funny thing is, when I'm their guest, they don't plan a weekend full of activities for me. They often go about their usual routine and I join in or find my own fun.

One to add: Houseguests, no matter what your financial situation, you should pick up the tab for something during your stay. Even if it's just a bridge toll, an entrance fee, a tank of gas, or pizza delivery.I have hosted relatives (of course!) who looked the other way while I picked up restaurant tabs, drove them everywhere, paid their entrance fees to museums or parks, bought and prepared meals. I've even had visiting nephews and nieces who all but demanded I buy them souvenirs. I don't mind paying the way up to a point, but past that point resentment rears its ugly head. Guests need to give back a little if they ever plan to return. I have become, with age and experience, really good at coming up with excuses when certain relatives want to come and stay. (Because I live in a popular tourist spot, I will often say I have someone else staying at that time, darn it, but I can recommend a good hotel...)

I have two more to add, for overnight guests:

1 - Make your own plans, but don't treat your friends and family like a hotel. Make an effort to spend some time with them and to fit into their routines. If you want to come and go as you please, at all hours, get a hotel room.

2 - Depending on your relationship with your hosts, and if you are comfortable with children, offer to babysit for an evening or an afternoon, or to take the child(ren) on an outing, even just to a nearby playground. I do this every time I stay with friends who have kids, and it is always well-received by parents and kiddos. It also helps me build relationships with the children I love who don't live nearby.

I have to disagree with leaving the heat or AC on, particularly if it the home will be empty for a few days. It is a waste of energy and money. I can see leaving it on low - to prevent pipes from freezing or the house plants from withering - but certainly not at full blast.

I always come to a party with a case of craft beer and the hosts are usually shocked/really happy I did since most of my friends are still in the college mode of showing up with nothing hah.

@BonnieProjects, I love that idea! I have a particular friend who bails on me at the last minute all.the.time.

As a regular house-sitter for a good friend, I always leave the bed stripped, the house spotlessly clean, and replace anything of theirs that I might have eaten (they make it clear that we're free to enjoy anything we find in their kitchen, but I'm not comfortable finishing anything I can't replace).

I am not the sort of person that likes to spend the night out of my own home, but the last time I did, I looked up etiquette. (This site was a big help.) We showed up with flowers, and bought them dinner out that night. We were only staying one night. We kept our things packed away as much as possible, and got our own breakfast out because we are early risers.

However, my host couple were not the sorts that have guests much, and were completely startled by the flowers. We found they had dirty sheets in the extra bedroom. (Enough so we could really tell.) so we slept on top of the bed clothes with our sleeping bags. They were freaked out by that, but I didn't want to tell them the sheets were disgusting, and I've been camping on dirt that was cleaner. I just said it's a thing for us. We do it in hotels. . . That seemed to mollify them.

That's my one and only host/guest experience. This article gives me hope they aren't all like that.

If I have overnighted, I strip the linens from the bed, fold the blankets, and make a nice stack so the room doesn't look like a hurricane. I will take the bedding to the laundry and, with host permission, usually start the wash before I leave.

I also like to leave a thank you card on the night stand, the follow that with a phone call a few days later.

Be considerate and don't be a freeloader should be no-brainers, but apparently some people still don't get that.

If you plan to visit friends, please set up firm dates and commit to them well in advance. Don't plan to show up anytime "during the second half of July" without ever notifying your host. Who might have other plans or obligations conflicting with your loosely planned vacation.
I just kicked out a very old friend out of my house who never bothered consulting with me when he could arrive; which would have saved us both tons of grief as I have a close relative staying at the same time (I told the guest many times but he apparently decided to do what he wanted without checking the 4 emails I'd sent him. Hmm).

If you don't drive, or even if you do, don't expect your hosts to come pick you up at the airport and drive you around everywhere so you can save on a rental. Your hosts aren't your private chauffeur. And as someone said above, even if you're short on cash, you need to pick up the tab on something during your stay (groceries, lunch... something), clean up after yourself, don't expect your hosts to do your laundry.

Ah, and don't send advance requests to your hosts asking them to make you gluten-free waffles or pancakes from scratch for breakfast, with a list of the particular (and expensive) brand of jams and orange juice you like to have... if you can't survive without some specific items, buy and cook them yourself.

I'd like to suggest being nice to your house sitter! I know people that take care of neighbors' pets and yards constantly during the summer and don't get much appreciation for it. I took care of my mother's and sister's houses and pets for several days--watered lawns, potted plants, and gardens, scooped cat litter, fed pets, etc., etc.--and they brought me back a nice gift from their vacation.

1. Strip the beds
As house guest, strip the bed and ask where you can put the bed linens and towels you used. It is a nice gesture when guests make up there bed, but kind of futile since you are going to change the sheets anyway.

2. Use technology in your own space
There is nothing more irritating than a guest who sits silently on their smartphone in the midst of family space. If you are around people engage with them. Otherwise, use your technology by yourself.

Something I did most recently which a friend told me about was, to wash the linen on our last day of departure at a laundromat. We left all linen cleaned and neatly folded with a note letting her know we had done it. She texted us in the airport after we left and she was so thankful. Will def continue doing this in the future!

We've been fortunate enough to be invited to use several generous friends' summer houses while they were unoccupied, meaning that we were guests without hosts. As a thank-you gift, I like to bake a banana bread or some other treat that freezes well and leave it in the freezer, along with a note so that the hosts will know to look for it when they next get to the house! A frozen quick bread will keep for a few weeks or even months, so there's little danger of spoilage, but it defrosts quickly enough that the recipients can enjoy it soon.
On a note related to the one about smoking, I would say that guests should be extremely considerate about anything that causes unpleasant and lingering odors. Bring extra plastic bags to tie up disposable diapers and ask if there's a preferred trash into which to put them; think twice about asking if your dog can come with you, especially if your hosts don't own a dog themselves; and don't assume that taking your cigarette outside means that you aren't bringing the smell back in with you! People tend to become inured to their own scents, so while you might not notice that you reek of tobacco or that your baby's diaper is pungent, your hosts probably will!

I'm utterly amazed to see so many comments here from people who appear to be exceptionally thoughtful guests. Why don't I know you guys? I'd be satisfied with less than half of what is suggested here.

I'm considered to be a good cook and I used to enjoy giving a dinner party. Appetizers, drinks, sit-down-to-beautifully-set-table, fancy dessert on a Friday or Saturday night. I would spend a lot and work hard. Just as I always imagined reasonably sophisticated hosts do.

I have given up on it. I can't tell you how many times people cancel at the last minute ("Well, it looks like it might snow."), arrive at all hours (as if the roast in the oven can just be served any old time), bring unannounced people, arrive in time to eat but then rush out the door ("I can't make the sitter stay out too late"), never return the invitation, etc. It seems to me that the people I know just assume that all entertaining these days is totally casual, no one serves anything but a buffet, I'll whip up something else for them to eat if what's on the menu doesn't meet their requirements, and they have no responsibility to make polite conversation with people they might not know all that well (which doesn't mean bragging about your kids, complaining about your job, or proselytizing for your church for two hours).

So I've retired from the Martha Stewart routine. I invite very few people these days and stick to those who actually need and would appreciate a free meal. I actually had one of the worst offenders say to me recently, "You used to give such nice parties. Why don't you do it any more?" Forget the thank you notes and the hostess gifts. I'd be satisfied with your complete attention during the hours specified.

I would second the "please don't leave the air conditioning on" comment. It depends, of course, on your living situation, but I live in an apartment and always turn off the air conditioning when I'm not home.

I have a relative (through marriage) coming to visit soon whom I haven't spoken to in six years. But we have a new addition to our family so they invited themselves to come and visit (using my spouses parents). I have no idea how to handle the initial meeting considering the fallout happened after a true disaster of a visit before. I think I am a pretty decent host (very clean guest bedroom and bath, fresh flowers etc) but in this case it won't come naturally and already feels incredibly awkward. Could you write up the a similar article for the hosts, please? Then at least when I am stunned or knocked speechless by something (instead of calling my Mom for the umpteenth time) I can consult the check list and soldier on. Also it was kind of comforting to hear that other people have these experiences. I have some great stories from these past visits though: a jar of special pickles made for my husband and I was brought for us made by his then recently passed Grandfather - the sibling ate them all, we didn't get to try a single one. When I asked for the recipe, they gave it to me, but with the 'mistake' of using water instead of vinegar so I wasted an entire crop of cucumbers. Another time they arrived on our first anniversary (called after they booked the flight) and proceeded to plug both our upstairs and downstairs toilets within a half hour of arriving. Then told me what kind of plunger I should go out and buy. The same visit, invited other distantly related family to my home while I was at work to come over for dinner and my spouse had to come and tell me on my lunch break that we were having eight people to over for dinner with their children (we didn't have any at the time) and what groceries should he got out and buy. And (now that I'm ranting, I'm sorry) the absolute cream on the cake that time was that when I came home, they had climbed up and pulled my rarely used important tea cups from the highest most inaccessible shelf and my FIL was drinking pop out of a really neat unicorn mug that my Dad brought home for me when I was fourteen from a trip to the UK. Now whenever I see that mug all I can picture is my FIL's big ol' walrus mustache slurping orange pop out of it. Arrg! I'm sorry.

These are great tips. I wish my house guest last weekend had followed ANY OF THEM. He requested a homemade meal, which I was more than willing to make, but about half way thru our meal decided it wasn't to his taste. He actually got up and went and got himself a bag of McDonalds. I've never been more offended in my life.

Also, don't assume that you should have access to the hosts computer.

Re: the pets issue. I was recently asked by a friend if she could bring her dogs to a weekend in the country and I said sure if they are polite and well-behaved. Within minutes of her arrival she casually mentioned that her dogs were banned from the dog park for fighting but that her dogs and the other 3 dogs in attendance would all 'work it out.' Two days and four dog fights later she's no longer on my invite list. The frustrating part of it I'm really not sure what I could do to prevent something like this from happening in the future. I love having doggy and human guests but a few more weekends like that and I'd be done!

@jukesgrrl - I feel your pain - been there, done that. Hosting people is expensive and time-consuming. What I really want them to do in return is turn-up, on time, and enjoy themselves. People's attitude towards reliability and punctuality these days is amazing.

Calling at the last minute with regrets, or arriving an hour late, is plain rude.

Re: smokers. Please ask for an ashtray, use it religiously, and smoke AWAY from doors and windows. I've lost count of the number of times guests have left butts all round the garden for me (a non-smoker) to clean up. Gross.

Oh, and I agree that a hosted weekend away requires a follow-up thank-you note in the mail. I can't imagine *not* sending one, but apparenlty that's a lost art, as well.

@Janet Brandt: "If you plan to visit friends, please set up firm dates and commit to them well in advance. Don't plan to show up anytime "during the second half of July" without ever notifying your host. Who might have other plans or obligations conflicting with your loosely planned vacation."

That's the single most annoying thing - people who don't commit, or change their plans last minute. It's not fair on the host or other guests. I used to be accommodating , with the result that I sometimes had overlapping groups, and up to 20 guests staying at the same time because some decided to stay longer or arrive later/earlier. Now, I tell people they can't come on dates that are already 'taken'. If they still don't respect my and other people's schedule, they don't get invited back.

I love visiting my friends and staying with them, nevertheless I believe in treading as lightly as possible when I visit. Despite their having a car, I will rent my own car for the duration of the trip and carry them around in it. Why? Renting a car spares their vehicle wear and tear plus, sometimes I like to visit places they may not want to go and I don't want to leave them stranded. I do clean up after myself every day and make the bed, even if I have the fortunance of having a separate bedroom and bath. I believe in being very generous when I visit and automatically pay for gas, tolls, food, meals and any expenses I even remotely think are associated with my visit. The thankful result is that my friends have as much or more fun than I do when I visit which for me aside from the great visit, is the very best outcome one can have.

@Magpiec: Not to get too personal, but what role does your husband take in all this? Regarding inlaws, my wife & I have a rule: you manage your family, and I manage mine. There is NO WAY I would allow my family to impose upon us in this way - I would never tolerate that sort of disrespect towards my wife, our relationship, and our home! I know she feels the same way.

Wow, I'm surprised that there are so many great guests and hosts on here! I for one will be keeping this post in mind as we stay with family next month. We always rent our own car and take our hosts out for dinner at least once- actually I think that we mutually enjoy taking turn paying for treats! It's easy however to get into the holiday mode and forget the tidying up all the time etc and I find it awkward giving a hand at tidying in another person's home especially when you know that the person likes things a certain way. There can be a lot of issues arise and I think a lot of it has to do with personalities.

If you invite someone over enjoy their company and allow them to enjoy yours! If they invite themselves.. and you aren't prepared for guests show them the nearest B&B.

Yeah, I have to say that if guests are this rude, you need to put your foot down and stop inviting them if you can. I understand it gets sticky with family, but I don't think you should have to tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone. And if it's your family member that's being inconsiderate to your SO, you need to step up and do something about it. Never let your SO feel like you've chosen your family over him or her.

Reading these comments is horrifying, and bringing back some awful memories. Mostly, I would suggest that once people actually show up, if they ask for something you don't want to provide, you can say NO. "Sorry, it isn't possible for me to pick you up at the airport. Please take a shuttle". I always ask about food allergies or strong preferences before people arrive, and if their list is more than 2 things, my response is "oh, it sounds like you had better bring your groceries with you" -- I wouldn't do that to my dear old aunt, but for an able bodied adult? You better believe it. People who use my house as a free hotel and restaurant, not an opportunity to visit with us? I generally won't allow them to stay in the first place, but if they show that hanging out with me wasn't part of the trip, I will firmly tell them they would be more comfortable in a hotel. Honestly, I don't have extra time or money to spare for people who try to use me. Even relatives who prove to be crappy guests -- when they call to visit, I direct them to the nearest hotel.

@magpiec - don't apologize for ranting. You have some seriously legitimate gripes and it sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband about his setting some boundaries for his family. They aren't your family so it shouldn't be your responsibility. Way too awkward. But you are being taken advantage of by some unbelievably thoughtless and/or rude people. You can choose to let them get away with it, or not. Don't suffer in silence (or only vent it to us).

And btw, I LOVE these houseguest/host-from-hell stories - they are always SO entertaining! Rarely do I sit and read through all the comments on a post but these were some great entertainment.

P.S. Totally agree that *buying a gift* for the homeowners when you've done them the favor of housesitting (presumably for free) is just way over the top and downright weird.

As someone who has owned a "country house" upstate for nearly 30 years, I'd like to invite all you thoughtful guests up.

Seriously though, I have a few pet peeves about guests. One is the guest who brings everything -- coffee, fish and vegetables, cheeses, etc., -- for several meals and takes over my kitchen to prepare them. She even brings her own rubber gloves. She's a great cook and means well, but I am also a great cook and I feel she's missing the opportunity of being a guest by always having to be in control.

Another is the guest who doesn't listen. City neighbors asked about a bed and breakfast in our area for a 4th of July weekend. We said they could stay with us, but specified, many times, that they should think of us as a bed and breakfast. We had an agenda, and it didn't really include entertaining them for a 4 day weekend. They never left the house unless we dragged them out to something. On their last day, they asked if they could stay a little longer -- awkward. We said no, and have never invited them again.

One more I haven't seen - if you have dietary restrictions, it is up to you to let the host know far in advance! I have a severe gluten allergy, I always follow this rule. Even if I've stayed with someone before it's good to offer a reminder...I can't count the number of times I've had someone say "oh right, thanks for the reminder" and then I can eat the food and they don't feel awkward that they didn't make anything I can eat. And if you have an allergy or dietary restriction that is unworkable, you can offer to bring your own food...

My big bug bears:
-Don't cancel less than half a day before an event unless there's an emergency
-Don't RSVP and then not turn up (it's not a facebook invite!)

Almost every time I provide catering for people with special requirements (gf scones made by hand, vegan roast instead of meat when no one else is vegan etc) they are the person who fails to show up.

We have housesitters quite a bit as we travel for work. Please, f we've dashed to meet a plane or something at 4am and left a few dishes in the sink, don't leave them and just wash your own for the three weeks we're away. Yes, this has happened. Same with food that has obviously gone off in the fridge!

I have to agree with those who said RSVP'ing and then not going or not RSVP'ing and going, throws off the host when planning the event and is VERY rude!

ARGH! I have tried to write this post 3 times, but to really give an idea of how HORRIBLE our recent house-guests were, I'd have to give away too much identifying info about them and I just can't bring myself to do it.
Let's just say it involved a LOT of complaining , drinking, complaining, neediness, and complaining on his part. She was normal, but inexplicably did not apologize for him, which shocked me.
The worst part is that I felt really sad about the whole thing and felt as though it was my fault that he seemed to hate his vacation, especially since the wife is a longtime friend of mine, but after putting it in perspective, I realize that it wasn't my fault and that I am not a bad hostess. It was them.
Never again!

We generally have very/moderately polite houseguests. The only snag I usually run into is that we don't keep a lot of junk food in the house for snacking and it seems like we're the weirdos when people come to town. Neither of us really has a sweet tooth other than the occassional craving (vanilla ice cream with berries...so risque), so I always feel bad when we have someone over and there isn't anything to snack on after dinner.

I've bit the bullet and will usually go out and buy a bag of chips/pretzels/dip and some ice cream when we know we're having guests stay for the weekend. My husband loves having treats around, but I hate it. I'm glad he can act as the human garbage disposal and consume any leftover junk food in the week after the guests leave.

We pay our cat/housesitters and often travel for a month at a time. They are typically grad students and are happy for the fairly easy job. The ones who follow the rules outlined above are the first ones we call again! I have come home to a thoughtfully placed recycle basket by the mail slot (solved a problem of piling things on the table by the back door), amazing homemade cupcakes, flowers, other baked goods. I also usually pay them a little extra when they do these thoughtful things, it gives us the impression that the house has been well cared for in our absence. The general theme is letting people into your home is a pretty private thing and its nice to know that is recognized by the invitee.

@MRJ I had a similar situation, but it was the wife of my husband's friend. I actually wrote a bit about it on this site too and was labelled as bitter. Well, what you learn from those situations is that I have no desire to have people stay with us. She was an incessant complainer, tried to use me as a sounding board and therapist when her husband was out of ear shot, never bothered to help or to even ask if I needed any help with cleaning, lacked graciousness and never demonstrated an ounce of appreciation for what I did. They had a 10 month old baby with them and a toddler and they got sick and in turn my husband and I both got ill as well (me with 102 temperature). Despite that they were "too cheap" to get a hotel and instead stayed with her sister or us, because at the time they were purchasing a more expensive home. That was the end of the friendship for me and eventually the marriage for the both of them as it dissolved into a bitter divorce.She had been over previously when it was confined to weekend visits and she had never behaved that badly, but she was a very unhappy person--that is no excuse and she could have done a lot of repair work to the relationship had she taken some measure of responsibility. I've had experiences of other guests who have also behaved badly, so it pretty much squashed any desire to have other people over. When you encounter selfish people it tends to change how you feel about hosting others let alone allowing them into your home.

I have had some of my relatives stay, but they do/did not behave poorly like that. I've run into too many people who do not behave appropriately, so I am no longer inspired to have people over. One would think that people would not behave so thoughtlessly, but they do.

most of my guests have been exemplary. The only one I had a problem with invited herself.... note to self...

@arkay, @sth, @greenheronfarm, thanks, it's still nice to hear I'm not crazy. You're exactly right @arkay, eight years later we've finally come to the 'you manage your family and I'll manage mine' rule/point. I didn't want to do too much backstory or get too personal but my SO's family has some fairly unique circumstances which doesn't mean they are thoughtless bordering on downright ignorant but does complicate how we go about explaining our boundaries. There were definitely a lot of hurt feelings though and for the first part of our marriage it was really the only thing my SO and I ever seriously disagreed about. If anyone reading this is having similar issues, I strongly recommend their SO write a letter to their parents explaining the boundaries, reasoning behind them and consequences for ignoring them. It's mostly down to a dull roar of disaster when they visit now (barring the nuts SIL coming this month) and they stay in a hotel and text before they come in the morning and eventually take our sixth or seventh cue at night to leave. And I inlaw-proof my kitchen (and china). It's not great but it gets better everytime, however slightly. Although the SIL's visit should be interesting, the last time she came she sat in the chair facing my bedroom door and stared hostile daggers at me everytime I opened the door to come out. She went swimming in her clothes in the ocean and then insisted on sitting on the leather chairs in wet clothes, saying she would change when she was ready. And she made me drive her everywhere in her car but made a clicking noise everytime she thought I should have been signalling in a parking lot and loudly mimed stepping on a brake when she thought I was going too fast. The humorous stories are many, I hope I made guys laugh :)

May I join in? Perhaps I imitated my parents when I came up with my guest etiquette? At around 9 years I remember thinking I can't leave until I say "thankyou for having me" to my friend's mother after a birthday party next door. I was so earnest and I think I made her smile. I've been a guest far more times than a host and think my attitude and behaviour have endeared me to my hosts, even though I do feel a little old-fashioned. Not saying thankyou or "I've had a great time" when I'm saying good-bye seems careless and I'd feel rude if I didn't. Not everyone cares, but many appreciate it, I can see it clearly on the face, possibly because they enjoy entertaining, maybe because they have put a lot of effort into our time together, or just because they would simply like to know that I did actually enjoy myself. Gratitude is usually appreciated. I appreciate it. I just think when someone's gone out of their way for me I should express my gratitude. And because it's genuine.

May I suggest simply be considerate, watch what's going on around you, and try to adapt to the host's way of doing things. As a good host tries to make you comfortable or at ease so you'll enjoy yourself, so I think a good guest tries to be amenable, ie. eager to join in with whatever's going on, pleased with whatever is offered, willing to lend a hand, easy to get along with. Never difficult to please, difficult to get along with, out of step with what's going on or disinterested, expecting to be entertained and waited upon. Some of the stories above are crazy! How awful some people can be! Some people have yet to learn manners it seems. And why are some people determined to be upset, or easily offended? Please don't be doormats just because you're a host. Remember there are good hosts but there are good guests too. It's a two-way thing!!. Communicate politely about expectations and rules if you're a host (remember no-one is a mind-reader and subtlety can be, well, too subtle), but give your guest some lee-way (we're all a bit set in our ways). If you're the guest, ask questions and let the host know you want to fit in, and invite them to let you know their preferred ways of doing things. Well, that's what I do anyway.

I recently spent a week with my aunt & uncle in Melbourne. We all had to adapt and I had to bite my tongue when my aunt and I had a disagreement. Over me moving the car, immediately, that was to the side of the double driveway as per previous instructions, immediately, after just getting in with a heavy, grumpy cat cat stuck in a box, immediately, that had been stuck in a cage, all day, at a cat show. Knowing full well my uncle wouldn't care less about my car being there, IF he actually got back in the next 2 minutes it would take me to let poor cat out and return to car to put back on street as usual. Phew, raving. Hmm. I stood my ground, released cat into guest-room, then moved car. Uncle's arrival much later. Hmm. For a few minutes I wanted to escape. I texted my mother and her hilarious response made me put things back in perspective. Meltdown reversed. And the whole no outside shoes to be worn inside thing took real effort... But really, all in all we enjoyed one another's company and I never took their generosity for granted. I am welcome back, even told I must come over more often, even though I've taken my cat with me the last two trips (and my aunt is allergic!) Looking at the list above and the many suggestions, I really am a good guest. And please, don't stay with, or invite, people you don't like or get along with. What's the point?? As dear Daddy always says, "You just can't please some people", so do yourselves a favour, and please yourself, and don't feel bad. The best guest can't do anything about a lousy host, and vice versa, if you know what I mean.

And if you do have a bad experience, just remember, this too will end. It's only temporary. Lucky escape.

I could read houseguest-from-hell stories ALL DAY. Thank you, sincerely, for sharing--your misery has some redeeming value! And may I atone for being a less-than-stellar houseguest in college by being a good one now...I was never awful, but I could have bought more groceries and left more gifts.

I would like to add, also, that I detest people bringing food without running it by me, especially store-bought crappy food, and alcohol (we don't drink for religious reasons, which people seem to "forget"). Do not volunteer to pick up bagels for my son's first birthday and then be an hour late. And if I ask you to put your jackets and purses in the bedroom, please do so! I worked hard to decorate my small living room and it's prettier and more comfortable without your polar fleece all over my sofa.

Thanks to my wonderful mom friends who try to clean up the toys their kids played with--I love that you are conscientious, but it will take me 2 minutes at naptime, no worries.

And to the guy who brought artisan rum raisin ice cream, damn you for turning me onto something that I didn't know I love and now crave all the time :)

Such an interesting comment thread!

I'd also add, however, that one way of being a good host is to allow people to be good guests. As someone with difficult food allergies (beyond the familiar wheat, dairy allergies), it can be a herculean task to convince a host to let me bring my own food or at least supplement my food. It's quite often that my attempts to do so end up with:

1) The host insists on making me food. This involves asking me for the detailed list of allergens and often several conversations beforehand in planning. When this goes well, although I appreciate it, I've still felt slightly uncomfortable in the incredible effort they've gone to.

2) However, it often doesn't go well. They go to great effort and yet have missed items leaving me with very little to nothing to eat for an entire evening. (This has happened so much that I bring '"back up" food and leave it in the car. Bringing it out, however is still awkward as it demonstrates my lack of trust in their abilities. But, the other option is to be hungry and watch other's eat or to leave with the host feeling like a failure).

My advice for hosts:

When a guest asks if they can bring their own food because of food allergies, consider the following:

1) Ask if there something you might be able to offer. You need not alter the whole dinner, but perhaps one salad or the dessert is do-able? If not, maybe you can offer something to drink. It feels better, (as a host myself) to be able to serve something to everyone. As a guest, it can feel good share with others if possible.

2) Offer to let the guest know what's on the menu so they can bring something appropriate. If others are eating tacos, I bring my own version of tacos because it's less intrusive, supports the mood or theme the host is going for, and helps me to feel like I'm actually sharing the meal - which is part of the point of the evening, of course.

magpiec, I have had similarly horrible experiences with my in-laws. Trouble is, my husband did not stand up to them, and it caused terrible friction in our marriage. Finally, I decided that if they visit, he can stay and host them, and I will go stay at a hotel, ( a lovely, gracious family therapist suggested this,) OR, he could say, "Great, I will give you a list of hotels in the area." If a big deal was made, he would have to tell them why. This has worked for us, even though it has angered and caused tremendous self-pity for the in-laws in question. Crazy people are crazy. It actually affected my physical health knowing they were coming, dealing with their oppressive behavior, and recovering for a month or so, with head and stomach pain. I would question myself, my selfishness, over-sensitivity...finally I stepped back and saw that their behavior was narcissistic and really unhealthy. The truth hurts. You have to decide what hurts more.

As far as leaving on the air conditioner or heat, I think the author specified that this was only if the owners were returning immediately.

As far as buying a new bathmat or anything else that you "notice needs to be replaced;" unless you personally damaged the item, it might be rather insulting to me if I returned to my home and the house sitter had replaced some every-day item that my eyes had gotten used to seeing, and I had not noticed it was in sub-par condition. I might feel judged, or that my house-sitter, whom I considered an employee, in a sense, was being a bit condescending. A loaf of banana bread and a half gallon of milk sounds lovely.

@Sarawelder "most of my guests have been exemplary. The only one I had a problem with invited herself...."

Come to think of it, that's been my experience too. I think it takes a certain type of personality to invite oneself.

And it definitely takes a certain type of personality to invite oneself, and then one's own friends.

Pearmelon, one of my husband's friends kept hinting about and trying to invite himself over by way of suggestions. Given my previous experiences of having to deal with my husband's friends, I suggested to my husband to tell him that I had been dealing with health issues and to come out and just let him know how poorly some of the people he has known have behaved. He got rather defensive about it and so when I finally met the guy I approached the subject when the opportunity presented itself and offered a few tidbits of how I experienced people's poor behaviors. If I feel someone responds with a judgement or lacks understanding then that tells me all I need to know about that person and how they will more than likely behave as well.

I don't care to host people any more given my experiences. It is not enjoyable to me and has often felt like a complete invasion of privacy. Perhaps I'd feel differently had my experiences been better and if I had met considerate and thoughtful people who demonstrated appreciation for my time, friendship and energy, instead of the rude narcissistic people that I've encountered.

I have lots of house guests and I'd just like to add, yes, please bring something to do. A book, whatever. It's exhausting to have to entertain every single minute. I've also had a guest who let herself be served every meal. Really? Offer to help or to clean up a time or two. One lovely guest planned a menu, bought the ingredients, and prepared a meal on her own. (I did offer to help). It was so nice and greatly appreciated. And it's very nice if they put their bedding and towels in the laundry room when they leave.

I have read most of the comments. It is good to read something like this because it is nice to see what is expected of people. I do have one or two objections though, in other words, the things that I will not do and the things that I will not do.

@Margo10825. You seemed to be upset because someone brought gloves. I have very veiny and dry hands so I have to use gloves all the time. I use gloves for the bath, cleaning, etc., and I use gloves for the dishes; different colours so they never get mixed up. I stayed at a friend's house and she seemed upset that I was washing the dishes with gloves. She said that she works hard and does not have a problem with her hands. Well, I have to use a lot of creams for mine to look half decent, so I will really have to upset people with this because my hands looks dry, old and wringled when I do not look after them.

I did notice that I had guests from the States and they stripped the bed. I was very upset about it. I am from a country where we don't do that, and it was very annoying to me. We make the bed up as we met it and the host/hostess will remove the sheets when they are ready. I found my room looked very untidy with the matress showing. I once visited a relative with a cousin in the States and she ran and stripped my bed and removed the wet towels from the bath that I was leaving to dry. She asked me if I was not going to strip the bed. I told her that I was not brought up to do that. Now, the room looked untidy and the wet towels had to sit in the laundy room until the host was ready to wash them. I would prefer as a hostess to remove the sheets when I am ready to do so and to remove the towels when they are dry because I might take a few days before washing them. On no occasion would I go to someone's house and wash their linen. I do most of the things that the writer says but I don't like taking over people's home.

I think Angela12 raises a good point. I am in the States and have always stripped the bed and left the linens folded on top because I thought it was the most helpful thing to do with them. It had never ofccured to me that it might be better to make the bed. Perhaps the best thing to do is simply ask the host which option is more helpful, since the whole point of doing one or the other is to make the host's post-guest clean up routine a little easier.

Most of my house guests have been horrible. The worst being the one who got upset w/ me because I wouldn't allow them to bring a Craigslist hookup into my home. The same houseguest was also pissed because I would not allow them to borrow my car to go and score drugs. They were the uninvited plus one of a casual college pal I'd graciously allowed to stay in my home (they asked to crash) for an event happening in my town. and needlessly to say, I no longer speak to that person.

Ideas please for how to send this to my Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-Law? They show up with nothing, expect to be cooked for an entertained and don't understand the value of alone time.