Whether you got your first roommate at age 2 or 22, chances are that sharing your space, even with someone you love, has caused more than a few disputes. There's nothing that derails spring cleaning faster than a housemate who refuses to help (or worse, increases the disaster level), but there is one simple effective solution for dealing with many conflicts — though it's not one that many will want to hear.
I'm the kind of person who will spend hours sorting the linen closet, separating fitted sheets from flat in neat little piles while my husband happily folds the laundry, but believes that “organizational systems” are a form of flesh-eating bacteria that must be wiped out by stuffing as many things in a mish-mash on a shelf as possible. At times I'm tempted to throw my hands up in despair and avoid spring cleaning altogether, but there is a way to get past our disagreement, it's just not always easy.
In three words: let it go.
The sooner I realize my husband will NEVER, EVER replace the toilet paper roll, the sooner I can stop blowing my lid every time I see it sitting by the sink instead of in its holder and take a mere thirty seconds to replace it myself. If it doesn't bother someone that their clothes are next to the laundry basket instead of inside it, or that their dirty dishes are piled in the sink — infractions I myself am guilty of — it's difficult to convince them that there's a problem. In fact, it's really only a problem to the person who is bothered by it.
I'd never argue that one person should bear an unfair amount of household chores or avoid dealing with underlying relationship issues, but when it comes to the little things that drive you crazy (rationally or no), whether you seethe quietly or scream and yell, chances are your blood pressure will be a lot higher than if you just clean up someone else's mess and let it go.
MORE APARTMENT THERAPY TIPS FOR SHARING SPACES:
How To Share A Bathroom Gracefully
Living with Roommates: Lessons from 5 Communal Homes
10 Passive Aggressive Notes We Wish We Wrote
Chore Charts and the Equitable Household
Ellen's Thirties Style Small Space
Juan's Garage Turned Modern Guest House
Good Food to Share 
The Big Book of Small, Cool Spaces 
Apartment Therapy Presents 
The Eight-Step Home Cure 
Commercial Flour Sa...
How to Cook Moist & Tender Chicken Breasts Every Time
Recipe: Thai Ginger Chicken Stir-Fry
I disagree. I'm a perennially neat person who live with a perennial slob. My bedroom is neat is as a pin while theirs stinks of dirty clothes, stremw across the floor.
How do we survive each other?
There is such a thing as common ground and common space. We've been able to meet each other halfway, I don't pitch a fit if something's out of place, and they don't use the common spaces as their personal dumping ground.
I don't know... after living with the slobbiest boyfriend in the world for five years I finally reached a breaking point last month. I would rather be on my own than live with someone who would cause me to add another 40 hours of cleaning by myself onto a 60 hour work/school week.
You can try to accept that that is who they are, but those frustrations will always resurface. And if you can't afford a maid, then get a new roommate or go it alone.
I agree with this post if the messy person is your significant other. I too am extremely neat and organized, to the point of OCD! while my other half is the messiest person I've ever encountered.
It took me quite a while to get to this point, but I find that I am so much happier if i just do it and get it over with (which normally takes at most 5 minutes), instead of nag and wait for my husband to do it.
That being said, if it's a housemate, i don't think it's fair to clean up their mess. They can do whatever they want in their room - but should keep the common area tidy.
I agree with both the post and with modestalmond here. Passive-aggressiveness is the one ugly personal trait that I consciously work away from each day. I've found that if I let things fester, I make things miserable for myself and for my loved ones. Therefore, I communicate like crazy and try to reach agreements about boundaries and common courtesies.
However, in a shared living situation, not everyone has the same idea of what is given courtesy. If you can accept that you will always be the one taking two minutes here or fifteen seconds there to straighten, tidy, organize, arrange, etc., then you're halfway there.
Personally, I've found that the second I'm on the verge of nagging, if I give a hug to that person or send a text full of Xs and Os, instead, 89% of my anxiety dissolves. Which means it wasn't really worth taking on in the first place. :-)
PS- I could never live with a true slob. But as long as nothing molds, and as long as I can't smell you, I'm happy. :-)
This photo is making me feel a little sick. Please add new article.
"In three words: let it go."
My OCD just kicked into hyperventilate mode.
I thought you were going to say that the solution was to require that each roommate had to kick in an equal amount to hire someone to do the cleaning, and that each promised to consider the other's stuff and private spaces as off-limits.
Oy....I feel it. The empty toilet paper roll especially.....and then there are the dirty dishes in the sink....next to the dishwasher....does he remember we HAVE a dishwasher????
Saw a cutsie little sign at a decor store the other day and while I'm not into cutsie little signs this one was tempting, it read "changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage".
With roommates it's a little harder to let it go, but if the joy of living with certain people outweighs their lack-of-organization there's little else to do. I've had to learn to let the small stuff (shower curtain, toilet paper, dishes, etc.) pass because I love my messy best friend more than a perpetually neat stranger!
I'd add to that sign Cookie79: "NOT changing it MIGHT!"
I am a bit of a slob & my boyfriend is rather neat. It has just worked out that he cleans, which he seems to enjoy anyway & I cook, purchase fresh flowers weekly & do the laundry.. (sometimes)
The house isn't always pristine but it works 90% of the time.
While I believe "let it go" may suffice with a spouse, it hardly seems enough for common room mates. I really would not call it surviving, as much as, as I would call it accommodating. In a marriage, you know what you were got yourself into and if you want to just give in, then do it. But, for room mates, wouldn't it be a common courtesy and just a little show of respect, to keep common areas tidy. I'm not the neatest person around but, I don't mind a little extra cleaning up here and there in common areas, just reciprocate every one in a while without having to be asked.
For room mates what about just having a list of responsibilities (what and when) that you both agree on. If some things are not completed, you get penalized (say buy dinner or drinks for a week.) If that doesn't work, find a new room mate.
Love is distinguishable from economics. Yes, for your SO you have to let it go. But not for a roommate whom you are living with to cut back on expenses. In that case, keep all your storage separate, and split the cost of paying someone to come in and clean common areas if you can't reach an equal level of contribution by agreement (and performance)
General disorder is not the end of the world- my boyfriend is a bit of a slob in the organization department. Sometimes I deal with it, sometimes I let it go, sometimes I just throw stuff anyway.... That said, lack of a certain amount of cleanliness is plain disrepectful and I can't just let that go. If it's too dirty to touch then clean it up! Dirty socks in the middle of the living room? really? we are grown ups now, there is no excuse for that nonsense.....
Messiness can be ignored. Dirtiness can be forgiven. But there is NO excuse for not replacing the toilet paper roll.
After many years of less-than-ideal roommates and also living with a husband who likes to shed his socks everywhere, I agree with this article. There (especially with roommates) do need to be well-delineated boundaries and rules, eg. do not clutter the common area, but to be honest nothing you say or do will reform a truly slobby person. Ideally you'll live with someone with the same level of messiness as you, but otherwise I think you need to make a decision between having a communal, relaxed atmosphere at home (no nagging) or having a home that's as neat as a pin but a tense atmosphere.
Some important things that have to be accepted are:
1) don't expect the other person to do chores on your schedule or....
2) the way you would do it.
I could not live w/ a "neat freak" obsessive type (someone who cares if the tp is under or over). There is a difference between being messy (unmade bed, unfolded clothes) and being dirty.
I live by myself (and can be something of a slob when there's too much going on) but at work, I got fed up with having dirty dishes at our sink, so... I started just putting them away without washing them. Downside is, I have to wash something whenever I want a dish, but upside: don't have to see them anymore, and can actually get to the soap dispenser.
So it isn't common courtesy for roommates to just deal with it and spend a minute out of their life occasionally cleaning up their own mess?
As someone who has seen and dealt with people who's opinion of "clean" vary (was a dorm mother), I can say that this is actually sage advice, given one exception: When the level of cleanliness in question is actively effecting the health and lifestyle of your roommate.
if you have a serious roach problem: get nitpicky about the dishes in the sink, and taking out the trash.
if you have some serious breathing problems: get nitpicky about air circulation and vent cleaning.
if you have a scary looking staircase: freak out when your roommate leaves shoes at the top of it you can trip on.
Your home is where you feel safe and comfortable. That extends to you AND your roommate. If you're the type that can't learn to compromise, then you should probably find a private room.
with roommates "letting it go" leads to nothing but broken relationships. For me (being the neat one), I was so annoyed and frustrated because I did all the cleaning. My roommate only cleaned when I would tell her that her dirty dishes were gathering bugs in the kitchen. After going a week without being able to find a bowl (which were all dirty in her room), I gave up on everything. I cleaned and kept the common areas tidy, piled all her mail and stuff left sitting out outside her room. We don't talk anymore. My advice is #1-don't live with friends and #2-inspect a potential roommates living area before moving in with them. I didn't do that, big mistake. luckily my boyfriend is kind of ocd about cleanliness as well so that works out quite well.
I definitely don't agree with "Let It Go". If you let it go it just means that they (roommates) are free to be inconsiderate and disrespectful without any repercussions. You're their roommate not their mother/father. If they're old enough to move out of their parents house, they're old enough to pick-up/clean-up/replace toilet paper/etc. after themselves.
Oh and "get a new roommate" is not as easy as it sounds when there's a lease involved. *sigh*
The best piece of advice I ever got is related to this point.
When an issue comes up, whatever it is, try to step back and think about it objectively. Answer the question "whose problem is this?" In this scenario, sometimes the problem is that a person is being messy to the point of being disrespectful - they are the ones with the problem. Sometimes the problem is that the neat freak is overly obsessive about the way things are done or the standards that they are done to. The cleaner partner might actually be the one with the problem. After you've made this objective evaluation, you can't really expect the person that isn't the cause of the problem to change - sometimes it only takes a change of attitude.
I am by no means a neat person, and I will be the first to admit it. It's to the point where if I'm hanging out with my sister and an episode of "Hoarders" comes on, she looks at me and says, "That's you in like 10 years, you know."
I disagree vehemently, but can't argue at the stacks of fabric and unfinished sewing projects spilling from my sewing table into the living room.
In my last apartment, I lived with another messy kid. We thought it'd work out well but, it turns out, we were messy in completely different ways.
I am fine with having piles of dishes on the counter, provided there's no food bits and I have a sink available; roommate leaves a pot soaking in the sink for a day.
I leave a delicate crocheting project on the coffee table in the living room; roommate picks it up and moves it to my sewing table and partially unravels it.
Or, my personal favorite: leaving paper trash on the floor. Not cool when there's a garbage can in practically every room.
Yes, there's the element of "let it go," but there's another point of knowing what you're getting in to. If you're a neat freak, maybe check to see if you're moving in with a slob. If you're a slob, check to see that your slobbiness is compatible.
If you're the compulsively organized type, yeah you're gonna have to let some stuff slide. Not everyone cares if the spices are alphabetized.
OTOH, the refusal to replace the toilet paper is just rude and obnoxious.
I am very clean. My boyfriend lets things fall where he stands, whenever he is finished with them. The house is pretty clean overall, and I try to let it go and put away his deodorant, pick up his socks, throw away his paper towels and soda cans, and move dishes from his desk to the kitchen. He doesn't even close cabinet doors after opening them. I come home from work and find them all open.
About once every two weeks, his own mess drives him insane and "we" have to clean the house top to bottom. Usually this means he cleans all day while I'm at work and he expects me to do the rest when I get home while he sits on the couch - cause of course, he's done his half.
Needless to say we are trying something new. I do 50% communal work, instead of picking up his little messes, I keep my things spotless. Next time, instead of doing chores until 10pm while he watches tv, I hope to point out "yours...yours...yours..." Some might say that's spiteful, but it is getting to the point that I have to stand up for myself, and he truly does not realize what a mess he makes every day.
In conclusion, I love living with my boyfriend and my rant here is part of "letting it go." He is messy, I don't have to be our maid, and that's fine with me.
i can let it go depending on the day. with my roommate, i do most of the tidying up. i notice the dust, he doesn't. if i am putting my dishes in the dishwasher and his dishes are in the sink, i load his too. what i've noticed is that he does not do the same. if i have dishes in the sink and he is loading his into the dishwasher, he more often than not leaves mine in the sink. this puzzles me.
Wouldn't it be better for the health, sanity, and quality of life of all parties if the messy ones were the one to "let it go?"
Ah, this reminds me to text my girlfriend to put her dirty clothes in the hamper before I get home.
Let it go? No way, that's like saying that their time is more valuable than mine. Not fair. I barely have time to do my share of the cleaning and I am not a neat freak.
i would have to say 'letting it go' is my toughest issue at this point.
i grew up in a house with a mother that required us to finish ALL of our chores on saturday mornings before we could do ANYTHING. being in that environment, i learned to clean things very quickly, very efficiently and very thoroughly.
my husband grew up in a house with a mother that did ALL of HER children's 'chores', plus working 2 FT jobs. that was just her way, as she wanted her children to be children for as long as possible.
therefore, HER DECISION has now impacted me with more work to do. he's currently working from home, so i tend to come home to a mess of a house.
we've found that it's best to put together a chore list as a group effort, and to bring things up when the house is completely spotless. You can both look at your place objectively and say...'THIS IS WHAT WE'RE STRIVING FOR!'. you can break down what it took to get you there, you don't sound like you're barking orders at each other.
there may be some times where polite reminders are in order, but as long as you both have a common goal, it should be easy to get 'the messy one' to comply. because, let's face it, when your home is clean, EVERYONE is at peace!
In terms of replacing the toilet paper, I have an easy suggestion I've seen elsewhere - get a tp holder that's open-ended (ie, you can just slide the roll off with one hand) and extra rolls in easy reach. Lowering the effort required to do something makes it more likely it'll happen.
That said, I'm not a particularly neat person, but I find it impossible to 'let it go' when someone's not doing their share. Once, I came home on a red-eye flight from a long weekend vacation across the country to my roommate's girlfriend's hair in the tub (after having asked him about once every other week to stop for a few months)... and that was the moment I knew I had to move and get my own apartment.
My GF is lazy when it comes to putting things away and finishing jobs. I am inherently lazy but clutter makes me stressed so have had to make myslef change my ways as it's worth it to me (plus we have a really small space and there just isn't room for clutter anywhere). When I was unemployed and she was working we both loved it since I had enough time and energy to keep the place clean and tidy, cook etc (and I enjoyed it), and she didn't have to do anything except go to work. Now I am working we really struggle since she is oblivious to the mess and I get stressed about it. We are working on a life plan which means I won't have to work and she can enjoy her job while I keep house. I hope it works out soon! :-)
I'm unable to "let it go." My husband's time isn't more important than mine. Boy's gonna have to get a housekeeper or a divorce! ;)
There is no right or wrong way (or time) to do something, as long as the result is the same and agreed upon. I often thought that when faced with a mess or with dirt, "clean that up" is very vague, and I've been living with quite a few roommates up to now, so know how it is to be the one saying it and to be the one it's being said to.
So @ aprilheartsaaron, I think what you wrote is one of the best advice I ever read: "to bring things up when the house is completely spotless. You can both look at your place objectively and say...'THIS IS WHAT WE'RE STRIVING FOR!'"
Help!! I'm a reasonably clean and tidy person,not obsessive but I just like the apartment to be presentable enough to have guests over. 6 months ago my friend moved in with me. She is a complete hoarder, lives with her belongings piled high in plastic bags, never ever cleans up or washes her dishes etc. Its been impossible to clean her bedroom or even close the door to it because of the belongings piled high and blocking the door. Its really stressing me out as I just want to be relaxed and live comfortably with things being reasonably clean and tidy. In the city I live in I can't afford to live alone anymore but I'm also not comfortable at the idea of sharing with a stranger either. Whenever I try and bring up the subject of domestic standards with my friend she blocks the discussion with either sulking, face-pulling, passive aggression, going into a mood, making it about me etc and I end up feeling like the bad guy. The worse part is that its not just that she won't clean up after herself, she gets irritable and moody with me when I clean up her stuff for her!! Does anyone have any tips??