In recent weeks, this series of events has happened to me at least three times: I wanted something so badly but I knew it was unobtainable, then the object of my desire suddenly became available to me, and I realized I didn't actually want it in the first place. I blame Out-Of-My-League Goggles for clouding my vision…
I know what you might be thinking: "Did you no longer want it precisely because you could have it? Was it only the thrill of the hunt, the lure of the hard-to-get?" And while that is a factor that it is a very good idea to be aware of, I don't think that was at play. Here's an example:
At a very nice beer shop I spotted a 22-oz bottle of locally brewed fennel beer and got so excited: I love fennel seeds, and fennel seed flatbreads are my favorite cocktail hour snack to bake. I wanted that beer so bad, but it was $14. Later, I saw it at another shop for $5 less- still a splurge, but a more reasonable one- and was all set to buy it when I realized it was fennel beer, not fennel seed beer. I am ambivalent about fennel, and am not about to splash out on it, but in my initial "I can't afford this!" haze, I neglected to notice the difference.
And that exact scenario has played out several times in regard to household products and clothes, and it's got me thinking: this very process of idealizing something you know you can't afford or otherwise obtain could be a major factor in general dissatisfaction. When you're flipping through a magazine full of gorgeous home goods, it's easy to think, "Woe is me! I want every single thing but there's a comma in every single price." But if you really got into it, like if you had to register for your wedding from that magazine, there might be only a few pieces you would want to live with. (This theory may not hold water: it's based on a game I play while reading Vogue called "Is There Anything In This Whole Magazine I Would Actually Wear?" There's usually a piece or two, out of millions of dollars worth of clothes.) There are so, so many things out there, and so many websites and magazines full of beautiful things, it's easy for it to all blur into "I Want It ALL"...but do we really?
So what I'm advocating is this: the next time there's a couch or a wallpaper or a job or a hottie that you're convinced you can never have, really break it down and escape from the haze. Is the couch itchy? Is the wallpaper pretty but headache inducing? Is the hottie rather annoying, now that you've removed your crush-blinders? Really pretend that you're going to buy the item at hand, judge it harshly, and I predict that many times it will turn out we don't actually want that item we've put on a pedestal.
(Image: Flickr user Pleuntje licensed for use under Creative Commons)
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In my family, we draw a name for a gift exchange. We all put our names in a bowl and we draw which person we're going to buy a Christmas gift for. That includes, my brother and sisters, their spouses and their adult children. The younger nieces get gifts from all of us. My niece picked my name so I had to make a list for her. Knowing that I might get only one gift, other than maybe from my close friends, I'm rethinking everything on my list. I do have a long list of things I want badly, as you say, we see things in magazines but now also on Internet, in blogs, Pinterest, Etsy, etc. My Pinterest boards and Etsy favourites are full of things I really want lol Making that list for my niece, it now makes me think twice about what I really really want.
I was just thinking along these lines yesterday as I strolled through a very expensive galleria. Everything looked amazing, and since I'm still unpacking from my last move, I suddenly thought "If I bought ANY of this stuff right now, NONE of it would look amazing. And neither do most of the things I've unpacked in the last week"
Took the shine right out of the displays for me
thank you for this!
We are so obsessed with possessing, but mostly, consumption. We are rabid consumers. It is not sustainable. Even if you buy used stuff and consider yourself recycling -- where does the need to acquire end? The need for novelty has acquired a new status in our culture. Probably fueled and engendered by our rabid consumption of new technology that quickly supplants its predecessors. This need to acquire, this need to consume, this need for novelty ... it cannot lead us anywhere good. Also, our attention span shortens each time we indulge our obsession for consumption for consumption's sake. I know that on this earthly plane we are tied to the body and tied to things. We do exist on a material plane after all but we often forget other equally important things (like people and relationships, the health of the planet) in this hyper-consumption mood. Furthermore, we infected most other cultures with our materialism ethos ... pathos? If everyone on the planet (other non-Westernized and emerging markets are steadily making gains on their own purchasing power) follows our lead of hyper consumerism, we are going to have bigger problems than we already have.
I completely agree. Sunday I told my husband what I want for Christmas. I had waded through my over-stimulated senses and lists of lovely things i want and arrived at the fund account of my dear friends who are adopting. As much as my heart would sing when I look at a new piece of jewelry or a vintage something or other, my whole life is going to sing when I look at the faces of the two children she is adopting, What we we want most of all usually aren't "things" at all.
This post came right on time for me. I've been thinking about the constant acquiring of new things and, affordable or not, if one is constantly buying - how could that person really enjoy what they already have? It comes down to asking yourself do you really want that item, or is it just the forbidden fruit syndrome?
It you buy everything you liked, you would need a big home or be constantly getting rid of items to fit more in. I'm 53, and learned to consider any purchase for being practical, a color I like, good price, durability etc. There is no hurry. And most important of all: how difficult would it be to clean? A lot of designer things look like a nightmare to dust/clean & few people like to do endless housework. I want to own a few things, not let them own me. Classic style is the best as I tend to buy for using an item 10-20 years at least. Having moved recently I found I can live with a lot less things.
While in engineering school, I once saw a gorgeous pair of yellow patent leather 5 inches stilettos. But at 120$, they were way over my student budget. I kept drooling over them until they came in sale at 50$. I decided to try them on. No half sizes, the 8 were too narrow, the 9 too long. And then I realised : I keep running from class to class to concrete lab to structure lab to computer room. And then public transit to and from home. No real use for the not-quite-fitting shoes, besides have them look nice in my wardrobe. So the shoes money was used instead on actually useful stuff!!!
I am 62 and have been living on very little money my whole life, so I'm kind of a cheapskate. When there was extra money, I usually spent it on rugs which I still enjoy. I recently inherited some money and found that I'm still a cheapskate, I still like to shop at the thrift store and eBay. I also found that the things I enjoy the most are the things I've messed with, I've had a hand in transforming into the object of my desire.
No matter where I'm shopping I use the same criteria; do I love it, can I use it, is it well made. I think surrounding yourself with your vision of beauty is really important but it doesn't mean spending a lot to do it.
I do the two week rule that a lot of financial gurus have advocated through the years.
If I want something very badly, I write it down and add the date to it that I wanted. If I still want it in two weeks, I'll consider buying it. Usually, I don't want most things on the list after the allotted time period.
Interesting post. I used to subscribe to so many fashion magazines in high school (even going so far as to rip out pages with things I liked and keep them in an 'inspiration' binder). Then I went through college and eventually had to start completely supporting myself, and ever since then I've 1) sort of stopped looked at fashion magazines, and 2) stopped wanting those clothes. Something about having to go through [what will probably be] the most difficult financial period of my life these past few years has really helped me clarify what I actually want and need, and it's no longer fancy clothes. At first it depressed me how little I could afford, whereas now I kind of just shrug it off, and am better at prioritizing my spending. Of course you have to treat yourself once in a while, but I no longer EVER pay more than $50 for a shirt... especially at places like Anthropologie where they put everything on 50% off as soon as it goes on sale. It feels silly to even think of paying full price for anything anymore at those kinds of stores if you get good at finding sales!
There is a bed I want. I designed it in my mind down to the very detail. I could build it, but it would not be cheap and it would take a lot of time. I would buy it, but such a thing does not exist. But lo and behold... it turns out it does. At Design Within Reach. Which is pretty much the same thing as not existing, when it comes to realistic expenditures.
I can so relate to Carrih. I now use the "if I buy it, where will it go, what will I take out of my space to accommodate it" spiel. Sounds crazy, but I've begun to use a similar analogy of relationships too: who is this person and what will they bring into my life, is it something I really want, or do I want them because they are "unattainable"
Thanks for the therapy (on both levels). The check is in the mail!
I lusted after the Herman Miller leather lounge chair/ottoman for years. A couple of years ago after getting a bonus at work I could finally afford it. When I went and actually sat in it and evaluated it I realized that it really wasn't ideal for how I would use it in my smallish home, especially considering the price. I decided to forgo purchasing the chair and a few months later my partner became unemployed, so I was really glad that I hadn't dropped the 4k on a chair.
Nice to read the comments here that show a lot of us are re-examining what we buy and why. An economy based on ever increasing growth isn't sustainable. For those who are de-cluttering and don't wish to try to sell excess stuff on craigslist or elsewhere, freecycle is a great way to re-home all kinds of items that are still of use (every state and most major metro areas have freecycle groups).
we are also over saturated with images and blogs and pinterest, it makes it hard to ascertain what is a need versus a want, another thought, i have started buying artisanal, hand made or limited edition pieces, often less expensive and more interesting because most things move from high fashion or decor to knockoffs so fast that it is very difficult to be an individual not a trend victim. i have taught myself to take a breath and wait to make sure it is a need not a want and reflects my vision not someone else's, that being said yours is my favorite dreamy blog for real ideas not just trendy bits.
I was just thinking to myself how much joy I have gotten from the really (cheap) but practical things in my life. Take for example, the simple pyrex lidded dish. I bring it to work several times a week, and it works perfectly. It made me think twice about what I am buying for myself and for my home (although I do have a particular weakness for YSL and Lanvin heels at 60 pct off sales - not practical at all). The lust item du jour is a set of vintage platner chairs - at 2500 or so each, they are not cheap. I'm thinking I may have to sell some of my shoes and clothing to finance it. I haven't yet been able to convince myself that it's less than it really is.
After downsizing and moving from our house of 17 years, I realized that you need very little to make you happy. Now when I'm out shopping and see something I like, I think, this is just one step away from being a garage sale item.
Sometimes it's more fun to want things than to actually have them.
Sometimes people get caught up in getting, and don't consider the cost of ownership, whether it's a house, car, expensive furniture or clothing that must be maintained.
As I've matured (50 is right around the corner), I find it much more satisfying to give than receive. Like Carrih, I'm a cheapskate. I have been saving and saving for things that I wanted. Now I don't really want them so much. I want fewer, better things, and enjoy maintaining the things I have, to make them last (if a car doesn't last me at least 10 years, I'm unhappy). But now I have $ to travel and help others.
When weighing the value of possessing a thing vs. helping someone who needs it, the latter wins. Don't get me wrong--I do love a modern style house or sofa, artwork, etc. I just don't feel an irresistable urge to possess them anymore.
I'm in the same boat as Karen608. I think as one gets older, you start to pare down. But on the flip side, if I really, really want something and I have the money, I go for it. If it's so-so, I wait.
I have a mermaid poster that I wanted for about 5 years but could not locate it anywhere in the states for purchase. On a fluke, I found the artisit who lives and works in Europe. I purchased it for a about a total of $40.00 (exchange rate) and love it. I would never think to purchase a poster for that amount of money but I have no regrets. On the other hand, there is a mermaid clock on ESTY for $18.00 that I've eyed for about 3 years but waiting for a sale.
My favorite gift: When my 8 year old great niece tells me I'm the best Great Aunt ever!
From the perspective of living in a studio apartment, I've learned the hard way that it's easier to buy something coveted, than it is to find someplace to put it. So for me, what economics couldn't change, a small home did. I now consider space whenever I find something I want, but maybe don't really need.
So true, Violet!
mattab,
The Eames / Miller lounge chair and ottoman are the windmills toward which I tilt. Ah, but the difference is that I want Vintage...and sooner or later craigslist will deliver. It always does, just gotta be patient and vigilant. I've found everything from vintage fiberglass Panton S chairs to my Florence Knoll dining table...just by waiting!
My big issue is knowing the difference between stuff that is just generally useful and stuff that is actually useful to me. I tend to accumulate things from the thrift shop just because I get all thrilled at finding a "useful object de jour" and not because it's something I have a specific need for. Turning that around, slowly.
I want to be debt free so everything I 'want' has to be measured against my desire for no debt. "Is it a want or a need" is my mantra :-)
I have long lists of things that I 'want.' When it comes down to it, I often rather end up spending my money on things I can experience, nothing major, but going to a concert, an interesting convention, dinner and drinks with friends. While these things can't be worn or decorate my home, they are often trumping the things that could in importance to me.
Completely agree! That's what I love about Pinterest. Sometimes just knowing that something exists is enough.
As a teenager with little money, I would get the J C Penney and Montgomery Ward, etc. catalogs and pretend I could buy anything in them. That satisfied the need. Later I'd imagine this item (home or clothing) with that. I still do this sometimes when catalogs come in, but I do not buy until something really hits me. I recently bought a beautiful, reversible coverlet from The Company Store that I'd looked at forever and it was on clearance. Now or never. I decided if it was still available by a certain date, I would buy it. It was, and I did. I got the last one, and it is fabulous. I could no longer get the pillow shams, which I didn't think I'd want but I do wish I had them now. I seldom have regrets about what I didn't buy.
For something like two years I considered buying a rose gold Michael Kors watch that was anything but cheap. But I didn't like to wear a watch so I adored it from afar. During that time I got a new job and needed to wear a watch, however, due to more meetings and such. I considered cheaper watches but did not love any, and I knew if I had a watch I adored I would wear it. So I bought the Michael Kors and I do wear it almost every day. It is in my wrist now. I don't think I will tire of it anytime soon, which is usually the case with a planned purchase.
I do consider when buying things: how long will it last, how will I dispose of it, and how much will I use it? I read in a book once that if you buy a blouse for $50 and wear it 50 times, you paid $1 per wear. But if you buy a cheaper blouse for $10 and it doesn't fit as well and you only wear it twice, you paid $5 per wear. The better bargain, IMO, is the $50 blouse. I think of that when buying.
And I think of where I will put something in my home and if something else will need to go if I get a new item. I want less stuff and better quality of what I do have. I prefer gifts to be something that will consumed such as nice lotions or movie theater passes.
I will be downsizing within the next two years, and I have been selling and getting rid of things I no longer want over the past five or so years already. It is time consuming to do so, and this helps me in not buying as much as I used to. I'm so much more now into experiences, especially travel, than material goods. But we do need some material goods and for the most part I prefer to have good quality in those and in colors and styles I love so I can spend less time shopping and more time having fun.
This is really a fantastic post and a great reminder about keeping priorities straight, especially during this season of "oh so much stuff!"
I take a picture with my phone---I "own it". Amazing how this works.
When I get into this mode I try to seperate what I 'want' vs. what I want to experience. What I mean by this is that a lot of times when you're looking through home magazines for example, the rooms are so amazing, and the things that are on offer are really cool, so I ask myself "do I want to stand in that room or play with those things, or is this something that would actually work in my life?" A lot of the time I find that what I'm creaving is the escape or the chance to experience something outside my normal life. It is precisely because these things are outside my normal life that helps me determine that they wont work as part of my life. It's the things that honestly live at the intersection where this or that can help my life/room/morning coffee be better and complement it that I truly want. The rest is just a fun fantasy. ^_^
I notice that I crave "stuff" a lot more when I'm broke. When I've got some discretionary cash, I'm much more discerning and less likely to buy out of a feeling of Deprivation Desperation. It's odd, and I haven't totally figured out yet what this is about for me.
Ditto, violet+violet.
I also like the process of finding neat things a lot on its own, so I greatly enjoyed finding furniture for my sister when she moved back into the country. Likewise, I enjoy the process of selling my own and my (retired, soon-to-move) mom's stuff on CL, and finding more useful items to (cheaply!) stage her house with.
Not impulse-buying is pretty important. If you're going to impulse-buy, it's better to do that on used items, so if you wind up tiring of it you should be able to recoup your losses when you resell it. But given enough time I've found my desire for particular items (like a womb chair) greatly lessened. I think part of it is seeing it everywhere--not in the "everyone has it so I don't want it" sense, more like "everyone else has it and I can enjoy seeing it in their spaces rather than having it take up a lot of real estate in mine" (I don't actually know anyone in person who has one, mind. XD)
I can identify with much of what has been said. I certainly wish I had the self discipline to do the 2 week wait! I noticed the same phenomenon as englishdaffodil ( and I am a brit in the USA ) .
At one point in my life I had plenty of spare cash but I noticed I had lost my love of shopping. When I met hard times a few years later, the thrill was back. I usually like to indulge at Goodwill which lets me feed my bargain hunter soul and lets me part with items more easily when I am tired of them or work out they weren't really what I needed. Having grown up with very little I haven't learned to let go of things properly ....even though I have far too much now!
I think this constant need to get "better" things is a kind of sickness brought on by a near constant exposure to marketing, designed to ensure no one is ever content in life. If I can be more clear about what I want and what I value, I tend to stop getting excited over mere products.
I come from a family of 'collectors' and I have inherited so many beautiful things I don't need to buy anything for my home. I will continue to inherit from a few more relatives in the older generations over the next 20 years and the challenge will be finding a place for everything and deciding what to purge. I'm very lucky to have similar tastes to the loved ones who've left their material possessions behind.
I actually find the opposite happens for me... eg I read a lot of magazines, visit this website frequently, and also the My Marrakesh blog. These places contain many, many beautiful things. But I find that the more I look at them, the less interested I am in "things" in general. Everything starts to blu together and become meaningless. How can everything mean something when it is competing with everything else? It's kind of the equivalent of eating a whole bag of lollies and then feeling sick.
It's great, I get my "stuff" fix without actually having to buy anything. It also means that when I do buy something, it is something very unique and special.
I find that right now, I keep wanting to purchase things that I think will make my home feel "finished." It doesn't take long for me to remember that my home will always be a work in progress (mess). And that's fine.
I don't always follow my own advice, but when I do, I feel so much better.
I like @rocketscientist's two-week rule. For years, I've applied the "if I'm still thinking about it the next DAY" rule -- but two weeks could be even better -- unless it's something unique, used, vintage, etc., that might get snapped up before then. But if it's something that's mass-merchandised, 2 weeks sounds logical.
I just wish that some of the big mass merchandisers, like Pottery Barn, would let folks know when something's about to go out of rotation. I still wish I'd bought their Teresita wall candle holders or their Verona floor lamp before they were discontinued. Meanwhile, certain other items, which I've never liked, continue to show up in their catalogs month afater month for YEARS on end with no sign of ever going away. Feh!
Please share fennel flatbread recipe...mmm...
@Violet+Violet, so true!! I've found this quite often.
The only (not necessary) thing that makes me feel happier having it than looking at it is a small bunch of fresh flowers. And after drooling many weeks over an expensive bouquet of tiger lilies I splurged on it only to realize that these flowers were too loud for my simple house, and actually I liked a lot more the vine branches a friend gave me from her garden. So now I always buy simple & cheap flowers. They make me smile!
This is funny since I dont get this at all. I'm actually someone who sees something expensive and nice and immediately thinks I dont need it and I see all the flaws. I have to force myself to buy things, and even then, I'm guilty of great splurge dresses, that I do wear, but no belts, earrings, cardigans, shoes, etc to match. But my office is surrounded by designer fashion (I work in Paris near the Champs-Elysees), so while I see lots of Vogue-style clothes, they dont look as good in real-life when your speed-walking on dog-poo dotted sidewalks on your way to the Metro.
The best 'unobtainables' on AT are so many pieces of art I really like. Some are originals and others, no time to source them out and couldn't decide which I REALLY wanted for a small space.
More and more, I'm telling myself, the last thing I need is another accessory. There are three pieces of blonde furniture I've had my eye on locally for a long time; reasonably priced, but I keep telling myself none would be a huge WoW if I brought them home.
I've found that as I've gotten older the 'desire to acquire' has tapered off severely. I still love to look at all kinds of beautiful things, but I don't feel the need to own them. My dh has asked me what I want for Xmas & I can't think of one.single.thing. I'm so very very lucky.
What a blessing on so many levels! Our family has adopted one child and is in process of adopting again...your present is a gift of life!
I agree whole-heartedly and was inspired to write a blog post about this on my blog. How do we shop with intent? Good commentary by the AT readers too! Love you guys.
Hahaha, home body, my dream bed exists too... for $4000 at restoration hardware. Ugh. When I really can't afford something, I just think to myself that I'll buy it in thirty years when I build my forever home. Currently saving my change in a jar for the $18,000 stove that belongs in my dream kitchen. :-D
As far as stuff I can afford, I keep a "wish list" pinterest board for items I've been thinking about for months. If it's really a classic worth buying, it should still be for sale when I get around to purchasing it much later. (Currently on there: le creuset and mauviel cookware, frye boots, and a couple of art prints from etsy.)
@Sitt- I learned to make Blue Bottle Coffee's Fennel Shortbread and came home inspired to make something similarly fantastic but more cocktail-friendly (& vegan). I took Smitten Kitchen's Crisp Rosemary Flatbread recipe http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2008/08/crisp-rosemary-flatbread/ and omitted the rosemary, cut the olive oil by 1/3, and sprinkled fennel seeds on top. (I recommend making half the batch fennel to have with drinks, then sprinkling the other half with anise seeds and sugar for dessert!)
I agree with serrins_k- The more stuff I see, the more it all looks the same and seems less special. When it finally comes to buying something, I can't make a decision because it seems dumb to spend money on something that I've seen a thousand times before and am already tired of.
Once on apartment therapy I read a great quote... something along the lines of viewing the world less as a shopping mall and more as a gallery. I try to shift my mind to this mentality whenever I get the "woe is me, I wish I could afford that" blues. I enjoy window shopping at boutiques- even if I know I won't come home with anything.
Another thing that has helped me feel better about my modest budget is gratitude. The fact is that I own a lot of cool things. It's just that sometimes it doesn't feel that way when I'm focused on all the great things I want but can't afford. Sometimes it helps to take inventory of what I have.
Try ironing a shirt that's been hanging wrinkled in the closet. Sew the button on the sweater you haven't worn in months. Wear those heels that you always deemed "too fancy". You will begin to see you have more than you realized.
Ha! Perfect opportunity for a Steven Wright quote.
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
@Anna Lisa- Le Creuset cookware is worth saving for. It lasts forever.
I've been paring down for years and the more stuff I get rid of, the more comfortable my home feels.
Its the hunter-gatherer in us.
A friend introduced me to the idea of 'temporary' ownership. Sometimes it is enough to try on a garment or carry something around in the store for a while, then put it back.
Being a second-hand shopper, I think of that few $ for a dress or dishes, etc as 'renting' for a while, then donating stuff back again.
Totally agree with @serrins_k!
I am completely this way too... I would have been one of those Inspiration binder people if I had the time, and using pinterest to save only the things I absolutely love, is the key to not actually having to buy them.
I can't do that two-week rule as I LOVE to shop at thrift stores... and you can't wait two weeks... it will be gone that day or the next.
Like many others, I subscribe to the rule of never buying things unless they are on sale, and not buying something "just because its on sale". I love my stuff, but I'm pretty good at getting rid of things I no longer need, and promise myself it will not be replaced by something else once it is gone.
Sometimes you have to let yourself have a few "impulsive don't really need it" items though. Great example from this week: I've been dying to have a little table for my two year old to play with playdoh and colour ... etc. We don't really have the space, so I have been putting it off. I found a unique set at a thrift store that not only serves a two year old, but 'grows up' with him and can use it as a desk later. $27 later, I was posting our lounge chair on Kijiji (like Craigslist). Sorry lounger, but the two year old is pretty happy!!!
I am at the age and at the stage in my life; where I can determine what I want to purchase versus what I think I need to purchase to be happy.
It is hard when younger to think that you "have to keep up with the Jones'" when in actuality, you don't need to, you just want to.
I want one too and they're on sale.
I am a total pro at visiting items I want in a store or online. It will eventually be gone or go on sale. Will I still be living if it is gone and I don't get to buy it? YES! If I am still visiting it & it's on sale, it gets bought and I am forever grateful that I didn't overpay for it weeks earlier.
I don't cook like at all but yet am coveting a Wolf or Viking gas range for the kitchen because they look fantastic.
I saw a pair of trousers in (the original) Filene's Basement that was marked down from 2,000 to 200 and I couldn't make myself buy them because it seemed like a silly thing to buy. I still wish I'd gotten them. (nearly 20 years later) They were the sort of thing you wear to a party, the kind of party I don't go to. But it's the only thing I've ever not bought I was sorry about. Deciding not to buy 'things' is almost always the right decision. I know this because I have way too much stuff.