The article suggested that people don't respond to dinner invitations anymore and that people will cancel last minute and via text message. I would like to respond to that notion by saying that it's not the medium, it's the message. Canceling last minute is just as rude no matter how you choose to do it. Text just seems slightly less personal. As for dinner invitations, I've never received a paper invitation. All of the invites we receive and send through the last half decade have been through text and social media.

From the NYT article: "What is surprising is that fewer still see the point in accumulating china, silver and crystal at all, a truth driven home by the dwindling of departments devoted to table-top appointments at traditional purveyors like Tiffany & Company."

I see this being used as an example of dwindling sophistication, but I think it's just an acknowledgement that we shouldn't do these traditional things just because they're traditional. Silver, china, and crystal is expensive and it's impractical to have a cabinet full of things that I may use twice a year. Really expensive things that could have instead paid a bill. When you're an adult who has to pay bills and actually think about the money leaving your pocket, you look at everything in terms of that. One Tiffany plate can pay a month of electricity, or some groceries, or transportation. I'd rather have all of those things rather than a Tiffany plate.

I just don't get this. When you see your friends, what do you do? You eat and drink. Yes, when we were in our 20s we tended to go to restaurants for this, but now that we're older and lazier (meh, parking) and some have kids we do it at each other's houses.

We had 10 around the table for dinner on Saturday. We made tacos (tenderloin on the grill) and the first friends who arrived were tasked with making a pitcher of mojitos. We sat at the table from 8 until 12 and went through the mojitos, beer, and I think four bottles of wine (which friends brought). Is that not a dinner party?

Yeah, articles like the NYT one would put people off throwing dinner parties. Tiffany silverware and fennel appetizers? Just make more of the food you would normally make. Our regular tableware only has 8 settings, so husband and I had plastic plates. None of our wine glasses match - they're the leftovers of broken sets and free wine tastings. The party was not ruined.

I see this article signifying something different than just changing priorities. I haven't read it, but from Pi's quote above, it seems like perhaps these traditional dinner parties that the author is referring to are now reserved for the 1%. Having any "good china" would be nearly impossible for me due to space and money. I'm sure I could make it work, but at what cost and for what benefit?

These days, the "dinner party" is less formal. When my friends and I do this it's usually a potluck, or my partner and I cook a nice meal for perhaps 4 friends due to space restrictions. Otherwise people go out to restaurants for formal dinner parties, or if you have some money to spend they'll hire a caterer who will bring the "good china".

I've dined in the homes of the 1% and the dinner party referred to isn't dead, it's just too expensive for us commoners to try and replicate at that scale.

I used to love throwing dinner parties (8-10 adults, sometimes with a theme, sometimes casual) but honestly since having kids 10 years ago this kind of dinner is much more difficult to pull off, mainly because of the hassle and cost of arranging babysitters. We still get together a lot with friends, but usually just one or two other families at a time, and we either eat together with the kids, or have the kids sleep over at the host's house and then eat once they're in bed. Neither is the same as an elaborate, adults-only dinner party though! I guess in a few years our kids will be old enough to leave at home...

When you're an adult who has to pay bills and actually think about the money leaving your pocket, you look at everything in terms of that.

I'm pretty sure my parents and grandparents and great grandparents all eventually became adults who thought about bills and money and yet they all still had china and silver and crystal, as do I. Becoming an adult and paying bills wasn't invented by the most recent generation.

Yes, but that money has to come from somewhere. I think now days people would rather put that money away or buy something more useful than spend it on fine china that gets used once a year because it's no longer seen as necessary to have matching sets of crystal and Tiffany plates.

I think it all boils down to "convenience". As in it's more convenient to just meet people at a restaurant, it's inconvenient to go through the fuss of setting a table and planning a meal, responding to an invite is too much trouble, texting is easier than calling, sitting at home on the floor in your sweatpants is easier than brushing your hair and tucking in your shirt.

The original NYT piece is hilarious. The author recounts, with no hint of irony, someone rushing to buy up about-to-be-discontinued Tiffany plates. I especially like this nod to the 'plebs':
"Guests at Mr. Monn’s dinner parties are served hors d’oeuvres of raw fennel, celery and carrots, with a spiced dipping powder of turmeric and curry, a recipe swiped, he said, from the repertory of Mrs. Grunwald. He also serves pigs in a blanket, which he stocks up on at Costco."

Why does China and crystal have to be reserved for only once or twice a year?

We just had a neighbourhood dinner party on the weekend. The hosts supplied the main course and everybody else contributed a signature dish, some of them way too sophisticated to be termed "merely" potluck. There were lots of candles in beautiful holders and everybody brought their contributions on their best plates. The hosts put out their favourite pottery and glassware collected over the years. Everybody was dressed somewhat festively but first and foremost comfortably and the conversation and wine flowed and sparkled. Slightly different aesthetic but the essentials were not lacking. A good time was had by all and the kids and dogs behaved well too. The party provided excitement for a couple of weeks leading up to it as people made their food choices and prepared, the dinner was a hit, and will be a topic of conversation for a long time. Those who missed it won't miss the next one! Now that's my idea of a classic dinner party.

I was at Target this weekend, I saw what people were buying...44" flat screen tvs, video games, designer skateboards and dog bowls. These aren't the things that will be passed on to future generations. I totally get that people don't see it as necessary to have matching sets of china that will serve 12 people. But let's just be honest and not pretend it's because we are all so thrifty that this money is instead going into the bank...new cars, new clothes every season, the newest gadget. Which is all fine, it's fun to buy that stuff. What I'm saying is the stuff we do buy isn't going to be around to give to our grandkids like china and silver and crystal was/is. That 44" tv is going to be replaced a couple of black friday sales from now and that iPad will be outdated in 6 months.

Alright Donald, we all get it... You host traditional dinner parties.

There are adults out there who pay bills and are responsible grown-ups, but who don't have the cash left over to buy pretentious dinnerware. Some of us have priorities other than impressing others in our homes (such as travelling, charity, dining out). When I have a dinner party, the guests always feel welcomed, we cook good thoughtful meals from scratch and I never feel inconvenienced by my guests. I sometimes even buy flowers!

But... I don't send paper invitations because it takes too long and it's wasteful and costly, I don't have "fine china" because it is also wasteful and costly. I don't have crystal because I think it's ugly. I haven't had any complaints about my hosting, even though dinner is served on Ikea plates and none of my cutlery matches. You don't need all those things to have a good time. All you need is good company, good food and booze (and good lighting).

Spot on!

You do realize if someone disagrees with you, it's not an attack.

Dinner parties might be parred back (for example, no linens or fine china) but they're still a great way to get friends together. I happen to have a lot of friends who really enjoy cooking and socializing that way, so I don't feel that the dinner party is disappearing. Of course now parties might end with a round of Apples to Apples.

I wonder how much of this has to do with downsizing of homes. My husband and I have agreed that we won't buy a home until we've made more of a dent in my huge student loan debt. The result is that we'll be living in apartments for the foreseeable future. Although now we are planning to actually buy a dinner table (whoohoo!), I can't imagine inviting over 8-10 people in our 906 sq ft apartment. I'm not saying it's impossible, and I'm sure some people could do it...I'm just not one of those people.

I also wonder about work schedules. I know many of my friends, including myself, would have to actually take off work to prepare a meal like that. Someday I'd love to take some time preparing a meal that takes real work and serve it on my great aunt's china that I inherited, but how many people feel at liberty to lose pay to do something like that?

The result? We have a couple friends over sometimes. We eat from the slow cooker if it's a weeknight or have a roast chicken on the weekends. We're slowly working on getting a full set of matching stoneware plates, and are delighted to have matching drinkware and flatware from the wedding. And that will have to do for now.

There was no hint of irony about serving piggies in a blanket because that was the point: gooddinner parties don't need to be fancy.

The best dinner parties, as detailed in the article, feature very simple (but good) food -- chicken potpie, roast chicken, a stew... it's not the food, it's the company, it's having the social skills and the mix to make something that is greater than the sum of its parts.

And being able to create that sort of atmosphere requires some basic supplies -- plates and dishes. IKEA will do.

When I was growing up, my parents had dinner parties. My mother never had silver, but even when we were relatively poor, she made sure to go out and buy a set of matching dishes for 12 (Mikasa Wheat Sheaf bone china, in silver), cheap because it was being discontinued.

What I hear here is a lot of defensiveness...

To me, a great dinner party is the definition of heaven. (Two of my favorite movies of all-time are Eat, Drink, Man, Woman and Babette's Feast, and am constantly daydreaming about dream guests, and conversations I would love to have...)

I started hosting my first dinner parties when I was a teenager, for my birthdays. I had a broad assortment of friends, and would challenge them by bringing them together over a meal, served on my mother's china (I did all the cooking). They were a blast. The punks, the science geek, the semi-pro athlete and the piano prodigy who was winning international competitions, the French boyfriend, the stunning blond... They all came, year after year.

You need comfortable seats, a table big enough to accommodate all, good food, good will, and good conversationalists. You need certain social skills, and it sure helps to have enough glasses, cutlery, and place settings -- but it doesn't need to be fancy.

Sure I do. My reply to you also wasn't an attack, just an explanation that dinner parties can take many forms. If you like hosting fancy parties then by all means. But don't look down your nose at people who don't prioritize the same way as you do - equating not serving on fine china as equivalent to "sitting at home on the floor". It's just a bit insulting.

What DonaldN is saying is that it's simply a matter of your priorities, which vary from person to person- some would rather spend their money on going out to eat, others on vacations they'll remember, and some would rather have nice plates and servingware for entertaining company. One's not better than another.

I like dinner parties a thousand times more than large gatherings. Around a not-to-large table, there are few enough people that everyone can get in on the same conversation , at least at times. This is far preferable to standing around awkwardly trying to figure out what to say to some lone person you know absolutely nothing about.

DonaldN, while it's true that previous generations paid their bills and also had fine china. But things also cost less, and china was budgeted into the bills. You were expected to have fine china, so it was done just like paying the electric bill. I am choosing to not add fine china to my budget.

While it's true you can't hand down TVs and iPads, you don't have to hand down fine china. Some people intend to hand down their furniture, or collection of salt and pepper shakers. There's no rule that says you have to buy fine china, and no rule that says you need to hand it down.

I think it's time our "stuff" defines who we are or how included in society we should be, and this includes fine china, crystal, and silver.

*it's time we stopped saying our "stuff" defines...

Totally agree with donaldN. I prefer to buy beautiful things that can be used forever and passed on for generations. I prefer that to electronic gadgets. My cell phone is ancient - a sidekick- (LOL). And one day, I shall have a matching 12 piece set of dinnerware and cutlery. Just not from Tiffany's, which tends to be full of stuffy and ugly.

I love having friends over for dinner - and the presence (or absence) of fine linens and china do not a dinner party make (or break). I have my grandmother's good china, usually, I have too many guests at dinner parties to use it.

While I agree that having friends over for drinks, dinner and conversation seems to be a dying practice, I don't think doing so requires dusting off the crystal and laying out the linen. The idea is to do something special and different to make the evening more exciting - and that may be as simple as turning off the TV, lighting a few candles and putting on some great music. What's wrong with that?

I resent the idea that a dinner part is, by definition, pretentious or fake. I also resent the idea that only people who have money and time to burn can afford to host parties. Anyone can host a dinner party. If you have limited means and small children then make it a potluck family affair. It's no less a "dinner party" because of it.

But yes, I value those times when friends can get together, without kids, and simply enjoy each other's company and the old fashioned art of conversation.

In our home, that's a regular event, and everything in our kitchen has been tailored to suit that lifestyle choice.

the sitting at home on the floor reference came directly from the article this whole post is about, I wasn't pointing a finger at you. I just assumed the article had been read. My apologies for making that stretch.

The NYT article, to me, says less about "the death of the dinner party" and more about "the death of rich people having lavishly expensive dinner in order to shame their rich friends and make it into the society pages". It's the very elitism that the NYT is constantly wringing its hands over that turn many people off to the idea of a dinner party. But you know what? If I cook a pot of chili and my friends want to come over in their jeans and sweatpants with a 6 pack in hand and spend time sharing stories and laughter and meeting new friends, that's a damn dinner party. I don't need to get embossed invitations or go buy Tiffany china to make that happen.

All of my "dinner parties" with friends are potluck. We'd rarely get together if one person had to spring for the whole meal.

The sort of dinner party you throw can evolve based on your means, too.

When I was in university, I'd throw dinner parties with chili/cornbread, or roast chicken/carrots/potatoes - done right, and shopping sales, you feed 10 people for about 20$, which is about what you'd spend at a restaurant anyway. No, these aren't the fancy dinner parties with china/crystal/paper invitations (and getting people to respond to paper invitations... ye gods, good luck with that), and the tables/couches/floor cushions got used as seats, but they serve the same function of getting interesting people in a room together for conversation and food.

I'm now in my late 20s, and I throw somewhat more elaborate dinner parties (cooking is a hobby, and I can't eat gluten, so eating out is a PAIN). A lot of the same people are invited. The apartment is bigger and actually decorated, the table can easily fit 10, I only have fine china because I inherited my grandparents wedding china (and I love it, and use it at least once a month, minimum).

I think that dinner parties are "disappearing" in the same way that "people don't read" - it makes for lovely headlines, and people might not entertain with the same general flamboyance or think that china/silver/etc are necessary, but people go places to spend time with friends and meet new people and eat.

With effort, I have some sort of dinner party about every 6 weeks. Yes, I have a life, four kids and make a modest income. It is all about priority. I make good comfort food, no "potluck" here, no one uses disposable plates or silverware, and it is a fun time. People just do not value talking with others face-to-face anymore. I try and preserve it and teach the value to my children.

When I was a kid, parents would have dinner parties and they would put all the kids (under the charge of the oldest kid in the group) in the family room with the TV and instructions to keep quiet and don't interrupt the party. A tray of hot dogs might get shoved under the door at some point. Meanwhile, the adults had a good time of it, and usually ended up drunk.

These days, my mother can't get any of us to take on the family china. It's beautiful but who wants to store it?

I host a big dinner party every year (for about 20) before our graduate school version of prom. It's a lot of work, but I love hosting. At first its difficult to get my friends to agree to come (I force them to dress up in cocktail attire even if they are not attending the later events), but by the end everyone at the table seems engaged in an interesting conversation, laughing and having a great time. I'm looking forward to having some smaller dinner parties and continuing the tradition once I graduate and have a home of my own.

I would like to add though - getting people to RSVP in a timely manner is an impossible task. I've even resorted to facebook (electronic is so much easier, and Facebook reminds you the event is approaching) and put strict warnings that if they do not RSVP, they can't come. If the deadline is approaching, i specifically ask people. No matter what I do, I always have someone show up that didn't RSVP and a few last minute cancellations. At least it tends to even out. But, it does bother me that people don't realize how much effort and money goes into a dinner party. Yes, I enjoy hosting, but I would enjoy hosting a lot more if I knew how many people I had to cook for. Since my apartment is very small, it also requires a lot of effort to move around furniture and get folding chairs so that all my friends can fit. Usually if there is a shortage of chairs, I'm the one left standing.

I think it's interesting that the article and many of the comments here assume that people do or should even want to have dinner parties at all. I have maybe one or two friends who wouldn't give me the side-eye if I asked them over for a dinner party. To many of the very young (early twenties), dinner parties seem outdated and affected, not to mention boring. I learned this the hard way when I invited over some of my significant other's friends from graduate school - they didn't talk or eat much, and they seemed relieved when they felt that enough time had passed that it was acceptable to leave.

DonaldN your comments are spot on! I'm amazed by the fact that some seem to think they are changing the world here and are the first adults ever. I'd like to share, fine China, can be purchased at Thrift Stores (profits go to charities), flea markets, and yard sales. One learns, things of quality lasts a life time and often from generation to generations. As shared by all, there are millions of ways to throw a dinner party. May the art of entertaining never go away! Cheers to those who live life and know the value of real life friendships. Long, live the Dinner Party!

I'm always both amused and a bit disturbed at the defensiveness that is revealed through these posts.

'Dinner parties' are not in danger of extinction. Really. It matters not a whit whether food is served on fine china or paper plates. Or whether it's labeled a dinner party or a potuck. It's all about fellowship with friends & family.

I fed my family and extended family on my china at least twice a month for many years. I am surprised how many of the posts here take a mocking/negative tone about dinner parties with china and crystal, i.e.: don't want to store it, don't care about it, rich people, etc... Wll, I ain't rich but I like pretty and elegant.

My friends and family loved to feel special and it was gratifying to see their appreciation and enjoyment of a nicely appointed table. There was beauty and elegance and social grace AND it was fun. The "look" of china, crystal and sterling can be easily replicated and even redesigned for modern sensibilites and budget with the enormous selection of dinnerware that is now available at lifestyle shops and mega stores. Beer steins can be bought cheaply at Walmart and chilled in a cooler. Cloth napkins are sold at the dollar store. My guests loved the element of surprise and I loved making them happy.

Paperplates and styrofoam cups have a role to play (office, play dates) but you can never replace the feel of richness that comes with weight, finish, luster, brilliance, texture, history etc.. with grandma's china and great-aunts's silverware. When you make even a little extra effort, it says you care. Set the table and watch the magic happen.

That may just be your circle. I'm in my late 20s, my siblings are in their early-mid 20s and all of us throw dinner parties often. In fact, that's what we prefer over going out now that we all have our own places (it's cheaper and you can actually hear each other, unlike at a bar).
Usually the host makes the majority of the food and a few guests will show up with dessert and drinks. Sometimes a close friend will help out with a side dish.
We don't have fine china or crystal or paper invitations, but we do set the table nicely (I'll echo NoirBlanc, thrift shops are a great resource!), use serving pieces and linens and provide appetizers. No one in our circles think it's stuffy, guests often end up staying late into the night and truly enjoying themselves. In fact, my sister just hosted a dinner party for her 25th birthday this past weekend.
I enjoy hosting since I love to cook and as a single parent, it's easier to have people over than find a sitter and go out. I use my nice things on a daily basis (yes, including linens), so they are definitely not a waste of money for me. I've been hosting dinner parties since my junior year of college! Some of my favorite memories come from sitting around the table with my friends and family, the remains of a meal spread out in front of us, talking for hours.

A huge part of dinner parties is about showing off and gaining social status. I have no interest in that and know no one else that does. Fancy dinner parties for the general populace probably are over but having friends over for dinner isn't.

I did read it, I was reading your comment in the context of your other comment, which seems to put down anyone who decides not to own fine china. Your comment also seems to expect that any adult should have a set of china. My apologies for connecting your comments.

@babybamf - I do that often as well. I think the NYT missed the mark when it framed its article to be mostly #richpeopleproblems...oh the horror of Tiffany discontinuing a line of fine china. I can't relate to justifying a $50 plate, let alone lamenting the demise of one.

We love throwing dinner parties, our friends cannot wait until we have the next one, yet we are the only ones who have them. But, I do think it is a dying form of socialization. And I don't think it has to do with money. Here are some different possibilities. I don't know if any of them are right or not:

1. The explosion of cooking shows and cookware and cookbooks these days just make things seem so complicated and intimidating. I can see how people would feel that you have to have a kitchen full of great stuff and pretty "tablescapes" (puke) in order to throw a dinner party. Not true, yet the average Joe or Jane might find it all too much.

2. Gender roles and gendered housework are so much less defined. It used to be that the woman took home ec. in high school and for the rest of her life she knew how to cook and host and made it all happen. Now everything is up for grabs. Both men and women can get to their late 20s without knowing how to cook anything. We have take out and convenience items. (Both of which could make a fine dinner party meal but I think many would feel dumb serving to guests.)

3. It takes time and effort to throw a dinner party and people are too busy with other life priorities and other kinds of socialization. When I was a kid, my parents were cool with having a real social life and I sometimes came second. I think people are now obsessed with their kids. The spend so much time working and feel guilty, so on the weekends it is all kid time. People also get so preoccupied with shopping, improving their home, buying the next latest and greatest, doodling around online. Who has time anymore for planning, shopping, and cooking for a dinner party?

4. Space. Most people I know don't have formal dining rooms anymore or if they do, the dining table is piled with junk. People eat in the kitchen, they eat in the great room, or family room kitchen combo, and they cannot imagine hosting in that space. We turn our dining rooms into home offices. A don't need that formal room and table just sitting for the one time a year we would have people over for dinner.

It all saddens me. I love dinner parties. I have entertained for years on a shoe string budget. I love the depth and quality of conversation that comes from having a group of people sit down and talk together for a good three hours.

Wasn't there an article on AT fairly recently about inheriting china? I am so thankful that my great grandmother, my grandma, and my mom all decided space for the beautiful set of 12 I now own was a priority. While my ancestor that purchased the dinner plates, bullion bowls, butter pats may have been very wealthy, we certainly haven't been since. Thank you, women of my family, for deciding this was important enough to keep for this long. I will carry on the tradition.

Thorndale, I think you've identified a number of factors working against dinner parties, but there are probably more.

Here in North America, there is nothing -- no social force, no custom -- actually celebrating dinner parties. We are told over and over that it is elitist to have china and crystal (just go back to some of the posts here on wedding registries -- everyone eschews formal china, and, along with it, dinner parties). In France, the dinner party has been democratized -- everyone celebrates good food, and sets a beautiful table. Everyone. It is not considered elitist. There, the table is considered to be the first and most important purchase when you set up a home -- here, I increasingly see condos with only breakfast bars and no space for a table at which to eat.

We keep denigrating dinner parties, perhaps as a way to justify not hosting them. Deep down I wonder whether at the root of the denigration is insecurity -- not knowing how to do it, not feeling secure in our abilities both social and culinary, feeling like we need to throw parties like Martha Stewart.

We have a culture where we are expected to give our all for work, and have little time or energy left to carve out such a social life. Our downtime is not considered to be important, and back when we were young, there is less and less of it (my husband is always on his blackberry, and yesterday, a Sunday, worked half the day).

It saddens me too, because those wonderful, soaring conversations are my idea of sheer heaven.

Er, the irony comment was in relation to the Tiffany china. As for the pigs in 'a blanket', being British, I had a vision of him getting a blanket from Costco.

I love throwing dinner parties, but my friends have been too flaky in the past. Last time the boyfriend and I made food for 10 people who said they were coming, and then only 2 people showed up. I gave up trying to get people over to eat after that flop. We'd had a little bit more success with earlier dinners, but it cost a lot of money and it was so much work getting people over at times that worked for all invitees. The stress wasn't worth it.

I need new friends.

@thorndale - I agree that you've identified some factors, but some of them aren't necessarily a bad thing. I don't want defined gender roles. My husband isn't absolved of responsibility in the kitchen, and I cook for our dinner parties because I want to, not because I'm a woman.

I think the problem with the NYT article is that it confuses hosting dinner parties (which anyone can have) with hosting fancy parties. They're not the same thing. Anyone can have a dinner party, whether they're serving macaroni and cheese on a paper plate or prime rib on fine china. Fancy parties is a whole other thing, and that's what I think most of us are commenting on, this persistent need to keep up with the joneses or to put on an image of sophistication.

Another thing I thought about...placing such importance on inheriting china is kind of strange when you consider that a lot of recent immigrants probably aren't buying china, and their parents and grandparents probably didn't, or couldn't, either. And there are plenty of folks who don't have family members to give them heirlooms. I think the idea of inheriting things goes to the old days of being able to trace your lineage, count yourself as son or daughter of so and so, who was the son or daughter of this person, and your family was a branch of this other family, and so forth. It's nice to think about, but not realistic for a country as diverse as the US.

I'm over 60 and I'm here to tell you that not everybody "passes down" fine china. Nobody in my family has ever owned china or crystal, even back in the day of my grand parents. Nothing to hand down, which is fine with me because I'm sure it would be some dorky pink rose pattern I couldn't stomach, anyhow! ;^) (And I don't have kids to pass my property down to, either, making that argument moot.) Fine china and crystal are not supposed to go into the dishwasher, so not only do you have to properly store them, they are extra work to maintain. I can (and sometimes do) set a pretty table without them.

My kitchen storage is kind of small, so I have my IKEA dishes, as well as (recently) an assortment of vintage porcelain dessert/bread plates in several pretty Asian designs (from thrift shops). We don't have lots of friends to invite to dinner parties, and I rarely cook, so these days we entertain a smaller number of closer friends frequently with movie nights AFTER dinner, serving cheesecake or some other tasty dessert after the movie. Which works for all of us.

I'm kind of interested in the amount of alcohol posts here suggest AT readers consume. My partner and I both dislike wine, and we both find beer to have too many calories so we generally only have a couple of those per YEAR. No hard liquor at all. All our closest friends (of all ages, from about 20 on up) are the same. Nobody drinks as part of meals or entertianing. (We are, collectively, big Diet Coke drinkers! Also iced tea.) When I was in college, drinking was a right of passage, and I certainly did my fair share. But it didn't last, thank goodness! I'm bemused when I seep posts about setting up a home bar...

Formal dinner parties are fine for those who enjoy holding them. I like a great mix of people and conversation, but it's a lot of work to assemble that kind of group in our situation, so I have more or less given up on the idea. I don't think it's a value judgement on society, though, if that entertainment format is morphing, as everything does, into something different, and less formal.

At AT there's an blog a few days ago about being true to who you really are. My feeling on this thread somehow ties to that one. I love dinner gatherings at home for 6 to 8 people. Whenever I was at HomeGoods I'd see something and thought "it'd be great for my dinner parties". I have matching silver plated vintage utensils from Etsy, plats and bowls for 8, placemats/runners/candle holders, and mid century condiment caddies to boot.

But do I have dinner parties? Yes, in my early 30's and no, not now in my 40's. Friends have gotten married and moved away or they are saddled with kids that can't be left home along. In Los Angeles, people live miles away from each other in various 'burbs which makes drink and drive unsafe.

I still dream of having small dinner gatherings at home but I may have to wait until my friends no longer having a busy life with no need to hurry home and able to enjoy meandering conversation for hours on ends.

BTW, the only thing matching is my utensils, the rest are all in even numbers, 2, 4, 6 of thise and that. The themes match.

I think it depends on your social circle and how you grew up. My mom is not a fan of having people in her house, so no dinner parties there. My paternal grandmother never actually hosted anything, but there was always someone extra at the dinner table. So- no fine china experience or formal parties there.

My roommate LOVES to throw parties, however we use paper plates, because its such a hassle to do cleanup after you get all that china out (yes- she does have set). (And it is a huge pain to pack up and move all of that.) If we want to get fancy- we get the sturdier paper products. No one complemented the fine china, and no one cares that they are eating on paper plates.

I HAVE noticed that the formal parties (i.e. themes, invitations, and rsvp-ing) had a much lower attendance rate, than the impromtu dinner/movie gatherings. So we just keep a stock of paper products and go with the flow.

Love dinner parties with casual dining chairs, tableware, healthy peasant food and a fruit/sorbet dessert. The best!

I think the article is less about the death of dinner parties and more about the death of formality.

People still entertain, have friends over, eat, drink, be silly, etc. but the way in which that is done has changed. Just like everything else in society. Think about when people threw dinner parties, most men wore suits and hats and women dresses on a daily basis. That has changed so why shouldn't dinner parties. It's all good.

Yes it's ok to be informal, but to be honest, I like a little formality and agree with DonaldN. Dealing with plastic spoons, paper plates, frozen re-heated food, and your annoyingly noisy kid who has to run around the house eating because you never taught him enough manners to sit at the table and eat, doesn't all need to be replicated at a dinner party. Put some effort behind it.

It's like people who go to the grocery store or travel in airplanes in their pajamas. Their excuse, "I want to be comfortable." Well, if you can't give your self any consideration, atleast give consideration to those around you. Same thing when it comes to entertaining.

It hasn't been mentioned here, but another correlation to this decline is probably the near extinction of households using hired help on a daily basis. It was not uncommon for a middle class family to have a maid who helped with chores and in the kitchen. I know that when we get together with friends, none of us have the time to spend the whole day cooking and when guests arrive, we would rather be socializing than serving.

Hmmm. We don't really have "dinner parties" but we do have people over for dinner (and go to others' for dinner) with some frequency. Part of it may just be a semantic thing; I am really not big on "parties" so I just don't have them (or go to them). To me, the example in the post was not a "dinner party" (especially when there was a movie to be watched--personally I would have just let people keep talking; it was having a bunch of people over for a good time. I am in my mid-50s and remember my parents having lots of parties, dinner and otherwise, even thought they and their friends had kids, worked, and didn't have household help.

@EdmundD - There's a huge gulf between formality and feeding people leftovers. Being informal isn't serving reheated food and letting kids run amok; it's letting people come as they are and not expecting them to show up dressed to the nines. I think my friends make plenty of effort when they come to our home for dinner, and we do as well. We're dressed casually, in jeans and sweaters, but it doesn't mean we're not "making an effort."

The first dinner party I ever threw was to thank 16 friends who helped me through cancer treatment. I was single, young, and living in a studio apartment. I went to Chinatown and bought my first set of matching plates, white ones for 60 cents a piece. Everybody had a blast sitting around the "dinner table", which was my kitchen table, desk, and a drafting board found in the alley all pushed together. Ever since then I have been bitten with the bug of entertaining and throwing dinner parties. It is sort of my hobby.

One reason I think I am so comfortable with it though is that I grew up around it. My grandparents were always entertaining and I'd help them cook for their guests. In fact, they had the original Martha Stewart entertaining cookbook. When my grandma was dying she gave me all the love letters she and my grandfather send back and forth to each other while they were courting in different cities. She was trying to figure out when the wedding would be based on how much he had saved up at his job as a garage door sales man so they could buy their shrimp cocktail forks. How dare a nice Jewish girl get married without enough money to complete their dishwares with a set of shrimp cocktail forks?

DonaldN and EdmundD bring up great points.

There is a loss of respect and manners, neither of which cost a cent, at more than dinner parties.

The formal dinner party may have changed, but in my various circles of friends we regularly get together for potlucks and group meals, usually revolving around a general theme.

I do have to chime in with the erosion of proper manners though. I just hosted a potluck this past Saturday, and one of my usually tardy guests was unusually late. Dinner was delayed as most of my friends wanted to wait for his arrival, but after 2 hours of him not picking up the phone or answering texts, I insisted we start. 4 hours later, he calls and says he is on his way. I re-heat some food and wait. And wait. An hour later, he calls to apologize to say he's now too tired to come by.

Others simply don't respond to RSVPs and there will be no response from these types (no email,call or text) until the night before or day of the gathering. And there's no apology or a reason either-- 2 of them are self-employed and 1 barely works (trust funder). They post on Facebook and Twitter constantly, but cannot spare the 5 seconds to respond to an email reminder. I've noticed that these offenders also never host, so maybe that's why they have no idea the kind of planning that's involved.

@KidMoe

"They post on Facebook and Twitter constantly, but cannot spare the 5 seconds to respond to an email reminder."

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone in noticing this sad devolving of consideration.

And therein lies the gulf of the two points of view...for me, making an effort never means "jeans and a sweater". If they've asked me to come over and help clean out their gutters, sure. If they've asked me over for dinner then at the minimum it's khakis and an oxford and jacket (which isn't dressed to the nines). And the great thing is, there's plenty of room in this world for both of us and our differing styles and traditions and things we place value in and on. If a fun night for someone is pizza and paper plates then I hope it's a knockout of a night. Or if its your grandmother's china I hope it's a fantastic time for everyone.

I don't know if they count as dinner parties, exactly, but we have started holding weekly Shabbat dinners. When possible, we invite friends to joIn us; other times, it's just our family. Bringing back this tradition from my childhood has allowed me to make time for special meals eaten at a leisurely pace-- just the point of a dinner party, I think. MakIng it a weekly ritual motivates me to pull something together, even after a hectic week. Hooray for dinners with friends, whether or not you call them "parties"!

Well, my grandparents were poor immigrants who managed to do well enough to buy china and silver, which got passed down and I use it today. These were not pedigreed blueblood people. They were just hardworking and aspirational, and having those things was considered proper for a household in their day. Can we please stop playing this "I'm poorer/more frugal/come from a more immigrant background-than-thou" routine? It's tiresome and regardless of what you may believe, that attitude does not somehow convey "authenticity".

My ex husband and I used to host dinner parties all the time - probably once a week. He'd invite between 4-10 people over and we'd have dinner. His need for dinner parties meant we had to buy a huge table, then find a home big enough for said table, buy groceries etc for the meal. It probably cost us an extra $700 a month between the added space, the payment plan on the table, and the groceries. That does not include my time - I would work from home on dinner parties days to pre-cook, clean, and then spend half the week doing the dishes. When we split, I wanted none of all the stuff accumulated for the dinner. Now, I have the occasional dinner party on a table built lovingly from scratch, on my deceased grandmother's fine china, and enjoy the experience much more.

Who makes MODERN silverware? NOT stainless steel- silverware.

NYC had the ultimate dinner party, Dinner en Blanc this summer. It was attended by 3,000 people with 30,000 on the wait list. Obviously, the dinner party is NOT dead. It has just taken a new form.
http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20120821/lincoln-square/dner-en-blanc-draws-thousands-of-white-clad-diners-lincoln-center

All of this is very annoying.

The New York Times, which is a bourgeois newspaper, is lamenting on the disappperance of dinner parties. Good grief, it is so crass. Working-class people never had dinnner parties, at least not the kind with paper invitations and Tiffany plates.

On the other hand, I am with Donald. Today's middle class people who say that they cannot afford good china, have to pay bills, etc., but have enormous flat-screen tvs and even bigger cars are disingenious.

Dinner parties HAS to happen, cmon, it's central to life - keeping in touch and getting to touch another individual, oh no, i run the risk of sounding offensive, NO, i dont mean physically touch, but emotionally, soulfully, 'life'-touch. i dread cliches and dont like the phrase "no man is an island" instead i'll just simply put.... - whatever is natural, we gravitate to. we need water - we reach for the glass, we drink. we need sleep - we plonk, on bed/couch/floor.. whatever whenever, when we need sleep. likewise, we need to connect. it may be (age) 12 when we realise, age 24, age 45... 75... whatever age. whenever. some like to say "this age, this time we are in, this era" etc etc... (and therefore pple behave certain way) my take - whatever is natural? We will gravitate to. We need contact - we will engage in contact. Dinner party just happened to be my way. So therefore, so long I need to engage with human beings, I will hold my dinner parties. Thats only going to change if
1) i dont need to engage with people anymore - ie: I have finally 'becomed' an island.
2) I change modes of connections. At this point - i still use dinner parties. So - Viva Dinner parties !

So, what do they find interesting, your young friends? Playing with their phones?!

Amen, Maggie13. I have crystal wineglasses, vintage silverware and antique serving platters... and I use them every single time I have dinner guests.

The beauty of living in the modern internety era is that if anything breaks, meh, I just find a replacement on eBay.

I'd just like to pipe up in defense of fine china. OK maybe it's not for everyone. And it certainly doesn't have to be Tiffany (that well may be a 1% thing). But it makes an occasion feel special to me when I use mine and I LOVE it. In fact, I like to do it precisely because it is unusual! I don't mind if I eat off paper at other people's houses (it doesn't even occur to me to notice- or maybe I notice if they found cute paper products!) but I like to serve people on mine when I have the time to get it out. I inherited two sets and keep both because they represent tradition and family to me. Nothing wrong with a little extra effort to make your guests feel special- it doesn't have to be pretentious it can just be an element of warmth and hospitality.

As for dinner parties, I throw them and love them in all forms on the casual-fancy spectrum!

Sorry, but it's not a matter of money for many people. I have multiple sets of china and crystal boxed in my garage that were inherited and intended for my nieces. They don't want them. They live in McMansions and entertain constantly. But they whine, "It's too hard to take care of nice things." Seriously? You'd rather eat off paper plates and drink beer out of cans?

Also, I used to work at a bridal registry. Brides, who could receive nice tableware they don't have to pay for and would last for a lifetime instead opt for cheap goods that will be broken in a couple of years. Quantity over quality.

Like many people have stated here, they and their friends don't seem to be capable of accepting an invitation in advance, showing up on time, and following the lead of a hostess on how the dinner will be served. They expect to know all the attendees, many will be fussy that the foods aren't things they eat, and if there are strangers there they will find that boring and will make no effort to mingle politely. Someone always wants to go into the den and turn on a sporting event. I've seen young men come into my nieces' homes and leave their hats on all night.

There is a time for informal entertaining. I'm always ready to feed guests on short notice. But there's something magical about coming together with people from outside one's daily life and enjoying a special meal that the guests have looked forward to. Try it sometime.

In a related piece by the same author, there is more 'expert' guidance for dinner party guests and hostesses:

“Mix a C.E.O. with somebody in the theater”

“I treat my table like a little black dress,” Ms. Gutfreund said.

“When I send a reminder and say the dress is casual, some people come in blue jeans,” said Ms. Gutfreund. Casual is not hoodies and Uggs.

“Unfortunately, it’s still considered the job of women to listen ... Businessmen in New York are not going to draw you out and flirt the way Europeans do.”

We're going to agree to disagree, i suppose. For me, it's not about money. I could afford it, but I have other things I'd rather use that money for and make my dollar stretch further. It's just not really necessary to have fine china at the moment. Do I admire it? Definitely. Do I think it makes a meal seem more special? Sure, like dressing up to go out at night or putting on a really nice pair of shoes. But it doesn't make a gathering any more authentic and people aren't lesser than anyone else for not serving on fine china.

Why do so many people in here assume that if you're not serving dinner on fine china, then you must be using paper plates? How about normal, everyday dishes? There can be a middle ground, y'know.

I don't consider prioritizing a better car (which most people will spend a lot more time in than they will eating off dishes) or a TV/other electronic gadgets over china to be disingenuous at all. A full set of fancy dishes is most definitely a luxury item for many, many people, and if other things will be used more often then to me that's an easy call to make.

As for formality, some people must be watching too much Downton Abbey.

Two words: picky eaters.

I love having friends over for dinner or just to hang out, but the odds that I can invite eight people I think would hit it off AND that those people would be able to eat the same meal are basically nil. Not even drinks are safe - there are people who don't drink alcohol, don't drink coffee, don't drink juice, don't drink tea, don't drink caffinated water, don't drink tap water. My friends are vegan, low-carb, nut allergic, fish-hating, celiac, or just plain onion-phobic, pick mushrooms out of everything. They're great people. I love their company. We need to be in a restaurant where we can order things we can each eat, or we need to be in a potluck situation where everybody knows there's at least ONE thing they can eat.

"I'm kind of interested in the amount of alcohol posts here suggest AT readers consume......friends (of all ages, from about 20 on up)..... Nobody drinks as part of meals or entertianing. (We are, collectively, big Diet Coke drinkers! Also iced tea.) .....I'm bemused when I seep posts about setting up a home bar..."

Ditto. I can't decide if it's intriguing or concerning but 'bemused' works. Our circle of friends spans several generations as well and still I know no one who stocks a bar. In fact, I don't recall EVER being offered a cocktail when dining with friends even at a casual-formal dinner party

On another note, as someone mentioned, the meaning of 'casual' has morphed with the times. These days casual means jeans, contrary to what I was taught. Back then formal meant tux, informal meant suit & tie, and casual meant khakis, no tie, blazer. Last Nov we were invited by one of our young friends to an outdoor wedding with reception following. The invitation was quite formal (no note re dress) so dh & I showed up dressed accordingly. The bride was absolutely glowing in her sleek modern dress and.....cowboy boots. All the guests save the best man (military dress uniform) were in jeans & boots. The reception was basically a BBQ served from a street vendor cart hired to cater the occasion. Woulda been nice to know in advance. Woulda made walkin thru the pasture to the pondside wedding much easier as well. Oh, and did I mention? The 'seats' were hay bales. Yeah, we stood at the back during the ceremony.

I keep up with changing times but it never occurred to me to call someone & ask what I should wear to a wedding! Honestly, I think we need a Modern Ms Manners to lay down some updated guidelines....not for me/us but for this generation who grew up without any.

I love putting a dinner party together and going to one, but I no longer do so for one reason: People don't show up.
I am a former Pro Chef and would "put on the dog", 15 people would say "I am definitely going to come, that sounds awesome" and invariably one solitary person would show up. It's too much effort and expense, and quite frankly it is insulting. Plus it is so hard to get people out of their comfort zone and talk to people they don't know.
The reason I think dinner parties are going the way of the dodo: good manners are disappearing. Rather than commit or be honest and say they have no intention of coming, people give a "ray of hope" that they will show, rather that hurt someone's feelings. Canceling at the last minute is more hurtful.
I've vented and feel better now.

Don't know how I missed this AT post! I read the NYT piece with a lot of interest - mostly because I myself host 8-15 people a couple of times a month! I live in a one-bedroom apartment with a tiny (tiny, tiny) kitchen, but I pride myself on my hosting abilities. I definitely don't have any fine china, but no one has ever complained.

I think that the few commenters who remarked on the class assumptions of the Times article are spot-on. Having said that, if it's possible to do a dinner party, I really recommend it - I love introducing friends to one another, I love cooking for a crowd, I love having people in my space. If you like those things, or think you might, dinner parties just might be for you.