3-5-ivf.jpgWe're offering our services free of charge. Based on a number of conversations in the past year, AT has discovered that not only are more and more men stepping into IVF/infertility clinics to unburden themselves of their small army of swimmers, delivering them a la paper cup to the lab, but these rooms are frighteningly and depressingly decorated.

Reportedly, the rooms are small, brightly lit with flourescent lights, and contain one old chair, a number of dog eared pornographic magazines from the late 90's and a television which, instead of showing some romantic, erotic one on one action, more often shows hardcore, group sex. We want to know, is this the right environment in which to begin a family?

Here at AT, we'd like to offer our services, free of charge to any IVF clinic in NYC that would like to give their rooms a makeover.

First of all we'd articulate the goal head on: To create the happiest, family friend ejaculation possible while placing minimum stress on the swimmers (so they keep swimming).

Then we'd go to work.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Kill the flourescents. These give off a cold light, make you look awful and ruin a sensual atmosphere. We'd put in small, red pendants from Zia Priven.

2. Paint the walls with color. While a nice off-white could be fine, we'd take advantage of the situation and AT LEAST give the wall behind the TV a strong accent color to stimulate the environment. We'd go with a rich warm brown like Ralph Lauren's "Home Sweet Home".

3. Carpet the floor. Something soft under the feet makes a big difference as cutting down on anything cold in the environment will help to warm the vitals and enhance the mood. Our first choice would be the Paul Smith collection at The Rug Company, but Flor Tile would be fine in a pinch.

4. Get a new chair. Nothing kills the palate like knowing that a thousand guys have been there before you. Keeping the furniture fresh and unblemished will speed up the process and aid turnover of the rooms. Personally, we'd go with something upholstered and a little luxe from Thomas O'Brien at Aero.

5. Provide some fresh pornographic choice. Only providing one old, hardcore video may work, but is tasteless and potentially embarrassing to many men. Since the porn industry spits out hundreds of new titles in many flavors each week and they cost so little, providing a rotating selection of DVDs (and magazines) clearly labeled would really be an easy. It would also provide a much more pleasant, memorable and more virile experience for the men going through this tricky and fragile time.

Of course, we could get into more detail if we could get our hands on a few of these rooms, so please email us at newyork(at)apartmenttherapy.com and we'll come visit.

And to pay for it all, shouldn't we be able to find a donor who would like to have his name on the wing, just like the Kravis wing at the MET or the Annenberg Pavillion at NY Hospital?

(Pic: FirstIVF.net)