As each new social network catches on to the mainstream, we're putting more of our lives online and on the record for anyone to see. Sure, you can set privacy settings. But more networks means more brain space is taken up and it's more likely that you'll absentmindedly leave yourself logged in on a computer you share with a roommate or significant other. Nick Bilton of the New York Times' Bits Blog talked with ABC's Diane Sawyer about whether or not it's OK to snoop.
In an interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer about tech etiquette in the digital era, New York Times blogger Nick Bilton set it straight so we can call off the dogs on snoopy behavior:
I told Ms. Sawyer that it’s important for couples to have their own personal identities online, but that can change when it comes to questions of infidelity. In a situation where someone suspects the significant other of being unfaithful, snooping is justified.
Of course, etiquette is a subjective—well, subject. It's up to interpretation and different between distinctive nations, cultures and even each couple's relationship.
Having snooped once or twice myself and found what I'll call "objectionable content" in e-mail and Facebook messages, I can see how a tech expert like Bilton would say snooping because you suspect infidelity is justified. And since I have nothing to hide, I wouldn't slight him if I caught my S.O. snooping.
But I also understand that privacy is cherished and it's critical to respect important values in a relationship. So we want to know what you think, readers. Is it ever OK to snoop around in your honey's digital world?
(Image: Flickr user kevinthoule under license from Creative Commons.)
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Comments (17)
It's pretty much never okay. The only way I would find it alright is if someone's life depends on it.
No no no no no. Never cool.
But then again, if you are using a shared computer to do clandestine business, you are stupid and deserve what you get.
And people, clear your Browser History unless you don't mind that your partner, typing in "Big Lots" is served up "Big Muscle Bears" instead.
Sadly, I caught an exboyfriend cheating on me this way! I'm glad I did it in that situation.
I wouldn't mind if my current significant other snooped through my emails - unless I ordered something as a surprise and he found it! :)
I don't think it is ever okay. If you feel you need to snoop, you should get out of the relationship. Don't be with someone you don't trust.
Accidents will happen on a shared computer, I know I've clicked into my husband's facebook messages on occasion before realizing I was in his account. But once I realize I log out of his account immediately. If he does have some small secrets, that is his right--I trust that if he does, they are not of the variety that would in any way jeopardize my safety or our relationship.
Just curious... what kind of secrets are kept on Facebook that can't be shared among partners?
Sorry, but if you were suspicious enough to snoop through someone's email, there was already a problem.
The higher road, then, is a confrontation. Not a retaliatory breech of trust.
No, it's not ok to go snooping. As others have said, if you're suspicious, there is something wrong with the relationship (which could be the fault of either or both parties).
Truly accidentally stumbling across evidence of cheating is lucky in a sense but shouldn't be used as justification of violating trust in a different relationship. Don't allow the bad actions of a former significant other to cast doubt on your current squeeze.
It would never occur to me to open my husbands mail or email. I don't even answer his cell phone if it's sitting around.
uh NO.. if you are uncomfortable with an aspect of your relationship, then talk to your SO, keep your dirty mitts out of my private communication. Being in a relationship for most people doesn't mean that you've signed up to be some sort of sick co-joined people. I am still my own person, even if I'm married..
Would it be okay for my (somewhat jealous) spouse to put a little camera on me all day while I interact with people when he's not around? NO.. then it's not okay for him to read my communications with other people online either.
I never have, nor would I want it to be done to me. I agree with others, in that if you're are snooping is because there's something not quite right in the relationship to begin with. If you're caught doing it - and that person has done nothing - you've just proved You've got a problem and some serious trust issues. Either way, something wasn't right and time to correct the problem. Just ask, problem solved.
Ask yourself if you'd rifle through a wallet, dig up cell phone call logs, follow them around in secret, etc. Just because communication happens online doesn't change the fact that it's private.
If you believe that spying is justified (and let's not use a euphemism to make ourselves feel better about it), then walk the walk and do so everywhere. If you wouldn't spy on your partner offline, don't use "it's on a computer" as an excuse for doing it at all.
I really don't think it's okay to snoop through someone's stuff.
Some people say "if you feel the need to snoop, then there's already a problem in the relationship." I don't think this is accurate. Some people just have rocky pasts with crummy past partners. For them snooping is just a security measure. They don't suspect anything, but they don't want to be let down again. It's a personal problem, trust issues, not relationship issues. That's not true in all cases, but let's not make some blanket statement that any suspicion means the relationship is broken.
The really bad thing about snooping (especially if you get mad under false pretenses) is that you just ruined the trust you had. If my wife found some emails or facebook messages that were completely innocent, but she felt like I was flirting with someone as opposed to just keeping in touch, what would I do? I would probably find another way to do it, or cover my tracks. That's never a good road to head down. That seems more likely to lead to infidelity than before, and smells fishier if you get caught. It's a slippery slope on both sides.
The other solution is to what, no longer stay in contact? That's not healthy either. You'll hold a grudge and wonder if staying in the relationship is worth not talking to your old friends anymore.
All that said, my wife likes to look through my texts. She feels connected to my friends when she reads them, so that's nice for both of us. We are very open and trusting of each other, and that's a good thing. I read her emails sometimes and she reads mine. Neither of us consider it snooping because it's not a surprise if we come into the room and the other is reading our messages.
Stupid question. The answer is "No, not ever."
I do it occasionally text messages. I don't expect to ever find anything & sometimes I even laugh at the idea but I don't think there's anything wrong with it & I wouldn't mind if he checked mine. I think to trust anyone completly 100% is rather foolish. I am sure he would be pretty unhappy if he knew I checked but I have to put my own peace of mind ahead of that.
Depends on the situation of your relationship. It might be a younger generation thing, as far as technology goes but with me and my girlfriend, we don't really spy on each others emails but have no problem in each other looking at it if they want, its just that there's really no need too.
Of course its different for everyone else but for me, if I wanted a friend, I'd get a friend, if I wanted a friend with benefits, then I would get a friend with benefits but as sick as it might be, I want to be with someone where you share things and have nothing to hide between each other. That doesn't mean, we should share everything, its just that we shouldn't have anything to hide. The easy thing is, if you have nothing to hide then this shouldn't even be a question because it wouldn't matter either way and would just be a matter of respect or the situation of the relationship that you are in.
Also, as someone said above, most people share a lot more information willing these days on facebook anyways, the only problem I could see is if the emails would be a security problem for work or anything else like that.
So the short answer is, yes, it shouldn't be a problem for personal emails if done right and the only problem would be on your intentions and whether you were spying on them or doing it for the wrong reasons.
Those that have said that "if you're snooping in your significant other's email, there's already a problem" are absolutely right. I used to snoop in my husband's email/browser history from time to time, and was able to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating. I would have loved to be able to blindly trust him, but I'm glad I trusted my instincts. I'm no longer with him. I've now found somebody new, and have never, not once, even been tempted to peek at his email. It's a refreshing change to be with someone you can trust. ;)
Snooping is not all right. I regard computers the same way I do toothbrushes: use your own and stay away from everyone else's. That includes email.