Name the best mail order/online catalog out there today? Dean & Deluca? Design Within Reach? West Elm? Nieman Marcus? All very nice, but completely WRONG! They all play second fiddle to the one and only official catalog of air travelers the world over: Sky Mall . There is no catalog filled with such utterly useless devices, doodads, and thing-a-ma-jigs that you absolutely must have (possibly due in part to the few drinks you might have had before boarding the plane) than the Sky Mall catalog. Upon buckling your seat belt, more likely than not, you've settled into that uncomfortable 17 1/4 degree angled body receptacle known as your coach class passenger seat, ready to be whisked away into the magical world of Sky Mall, where all your dreams can come true for $4.99 and up. Or is that just me?
So here's my top and bottom five home products available from the Sky Mall catalog [under the cut]:
The Good:
1.
Screen Vac Brush: I hate dirty screens, and pulling them off to soap, scrub and wash can be a pain when you're on the second floor. For $5, this is cheap enough to warrant a try.
2.
Carpet Tiles: Budget version of FLOR carpet tiles, made of berber and priced at a reasonable 20 12"x12" tiles for $30 dollars. SCOR!
3.
Hair Dryer Holster: We like having our hair dryer readily available to coif our hairdos. And this makes it feel a bit more manly, when we stare at ourselves in the mirror and yell out "Reach!"
4.
Nettlestone Library Ensemble: I have to admit, I was on the fence about this one. It's cool, in a bookish-nerd trompe l'oeil sort of way, and a good use of small space. But $1000 to fake your friends out, like a pair of Tom Cruise's lifts? No thanks.
5.
Cigarette Receptacle: This claims to contain the smell of used cancer sticks, even a hundred of them. For the Charles Bukowski in your life.
The Bad:
1.
Hidden Toilet Paper Holder: peek-a-poo, I don't see you! Do you really need to spend $30 to hide your toilet paper away? You might as well use dollar bills as toilet paper, if so.
2.
Insta III Airbed w Back Rest: Didn't Luke Skywalker and Obi-wan ride into Tatooine on one of
these?
"This isn't the airbed you're looking for".
3.
Basho The Sumo Wrestler Table: Something has to be said about a person whose interior decor includes a bent over, miniature sized, grossly overweight japanese man. What that particularly might be, it's likely best said from a safe distance away from the owner. In a police station.
4.
Forest Faces: "Little Bobby Jr., if you don't fall asleep this instant, Mommy is going to make the Tree People visit you again! We wouldn't want that, would we?" People who purchase this should be automatically registered with child protective services.
5.
Mobile Massage System: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...Turtles in a half shell, turtle power!
The Ugly:
*
Genuine Turkish Wraps: Uhhh.....dude...
see the book entitled "skymaul" - i perused it on amazon and it is a riot!
Honest to God, the SkyMall is my favorite part of flying. Somehow, up there, it all seems so clever and useful. While I have never purchased anything, I know my time will come.
The pictures of the people with those smoke-inhalation masks on never fail to crack me up.
I'm shocked that the Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker did not make this list.
SHOCKED!
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=7315042&c=
HA! I love posts like this... God bless ya, gregory, for actually perusing the catalog long enough to come up with these rankings. Whenever I fly, the copies in my seat pocket are always in such super-ratty condition: crinkled and smeared with cheesy snack mix fingerprint grease. Lovely... Thanks for sharing the craptastic goodness.
avocado- it's the air pressure, there's a reason it's not delivered to homes.
Ana - I figured it was the Bloody Marys.
the pop-up hot dog cooker has always been my favorite!
I've seen those tree faces in real-life. They are downright freakish. Scared the crap out of me.
Wow, I'm actually interested in that toilet paper hider. Not that I find the sight of toilet paper offensive, I just have cats that like to shred it. Right now it's in an easily-reachable drawer, but sometimes my guests can't find it.
That's a HUGE freakin' bed. The girl most likely isn't 4'10, so given the average size of an adult print model being 5'7-5'8, that thing is a king-sized bed.
If I had that much room for an airbed that size, I'd buy a bed. Or just put down some masking tape on the floor and write "bed" inside its 4 walls.
You know...that Turkish wrap would come in real handy if you're a fan of steambaths or saunas...hrmmm...maybe I should...
Holy shieeet, I feel like I'm on a plane right now!
Oh I'm definitely buying those tree faces. Halloween is going to be fun next year! I might try putting them on the trees outside for the holidays this year too!
The REAL(!) gold and enamel roses are the worst.
But I am seriously going to buy some of those tree faces and put them in my parents' yard to give my father a shock when he mows the lawn.
OK, this is the funniest AT post ever.
I think I was traumatized by Sky Mall when returning to the U.S. after returning from El Salvador and time spent people who had no running water, medicine, electricity or Sumo Wrestler tables. Honestly, I hope Sky Mall never falls into the hands of the terrorists because I can't think of a more effective recruiting tool. But it also frightens me that it might fall into the hands of the French. Think of the scorn we will suffer.
Don't make fun of the hidden toilet paper holder. I have a dog that LOVES toilet paper and that handy little invention saves me from having to clean up mountains of shredded toilet papper
Jim: You could always keep the bathroom door closed...it's really not that difficult. Simple, and you've saved $30 and having an ugly wall mounted toilet seat roll holder.
My favorite is the ad for the fire escape ladder that you hang off of a window frame. Even though black sooty smoke is pouring out of the window, the woman and the child escaping are smiling without a single blonde hair out of place.
I want the hairdryer holster!
Hilarious post - thanks for making me laugh!
What about the remote control golf ball, dammit?!?!
Ed! You just cracked me up. Yes, whenever I take a child out of a burning building it is very important that my hair is all in place and my makeup perfect. Thank goodness for Sky Mall to put everything in perspective.
I had to go to the site since I am severly unhip and never fly. Seriously, though, I like the turntable you can plug into your USB port and digitize your music. Not even too expensive.
OH MI GOD! My dad has #4 on a tree in our backyard. God, I hope it was a gift and that he didn't buy it.