apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

I think the best advice with parents is to invite them over or call often enough that they don't drop by out out of the blue. Try to gauge how frequently they want to see you and get together on your terms. Let them know you are busy, and that they are important in your life. Schedule visits and don't feel bad about sending them away when they come by unannounced to bug you. Just say "I'm so glad to see you, but I am very busy right now. Let's talk this Sunday at Brunch when we can both relax and enjoy each other."

This situation is not as bad as wishing you could see your family more often, and not being able to.

This situation is not as bad as wishing you could see your family more often, and not being able to.

This is so true. I live 600 miles from my mom, and after 10 years, I'm thinking of moving back closer to home. Not to my hometown (oh, hell no), but close enough to visit over the weekend whenever I feel like it. Especially now that she's getting older.

Good points, raven. As freelance, work-at-home folks, drop-ins are extra difficult for us. No one, aside form other freelancers, seems to understand this.

RE: this post and how to do deal? I find that Mom focuses on the next event. If we have a fun plan to look forward to, it doesn't have to be on 'Tuesday'. Making plans for a future date makes us both happy, even it is a date that is a month or two away.

I live almost 3000 miles from my parents and find our relationship is much better over the phone. And yes, I do miss them tremendously but like wig3000 says, it makes us happy on both sides to plan a future event (whether it be the holidays or a wedding) when we'll all get to enjoy each other's company.

When we lived in the same town I made a point of letting my mom know I would be nude and or having sex at any given time. It worked like a charm.

hahahaha

This can be such a difficult dilemma. When I lived in the same town as my mother (I lived WITH my mother for a brief time after my divorce) I always found myself taking a subservient role whenever I spent any time with her.

I moved several hours away, and for a number of years was really happy with that distance. Now that we're both older and I've firmly claimed my adulthood, I wish we lived closer. I do miss her alot.

My son moved out a month ago and I've really been trying to give him the space he needs to claim his own adulthood. I call before I go over - even if it's just to drop something off, and I've refrained from giving him decorating advise usless he asks.

We miss our family - one set is 7 hours drive away, the other set is 2 days plane flight on the other side of the world.

hdtex hahahah! makes me recall a very funny near embarassing moment with my family arriving a bit too at my home early hahaha!

I live in Spain, down the street from my in-laws. And I mean ALL my in-laws because my 30 and 40 something brother and sister in law still live with Mom and Dad. I have had to be very firm about claiming our house as hands off territory for a mother in law who still washes the underpants of her adult children. Luckily, being the foreigner buys me some space to do my own thing. They just throw up their hands at my strange customs, like cooking and cleaning for myself.

But as others have said, my job is to balance that pushing away by making them feel involed in my life in ways I can control, like visit them in their space, or meet on neutral territory. And lots of times I just send my husband over to visit without me!

My children and I lived a mile from my parents for about a year. And for six of those months, my (adult) little sister lived with them. I invaded their space much more often then they did mine.

Geez. I have two kids ages 9 and 10. If they have similar attitudes to those expressed above when they grow up, I think my response will be 'don't do me any favors'! I would prefer to spend my time with someone who actually wants my company -- if its not my children, then so be it.

Being the youngest of three girls, I've always been close to my mother. Now I am her caregiver and she sometimes treats me like I'm still 12 years old, which is hilarious to me since I'm doing all the "mom" things she used to do.

When my son moved out, I did drop in on him once or twice without calling before I realized how rude it was. When I apologized & stopped doing it, he gave me a spare key. And he came home to do his laundry - himself.

My oldest sister lives a few blocks away. She teleworks two days a week and my mother makes sure not to call during this time. Because she respects those boundaries, my sister visits on Friday through Sunday when she's off and also is available to take her to the doctor, etc.

So living close can have disadvantages, but the advantages in this family surely outweigh them.

I so agree with raven that "This situation is not as bad as wishing you could see your family more often, and not being able to." I live 24 hours away (by flight) from my parents. I used to meet them atleast once a week when I was in the same city, I do miss that very very much.

outonalimb_2008, you must understand that people here are not talking about doing favours on their parents, but rather about setting boundaries. Quite often we see parents interfering too much. It can be quite painful for parents to let go of their children, but they must do that to 'retain' them.

Hah, good luck with the "please call ahead" strategy. If your mom is anything like my mom (and it sounds like she is), asking her to call ahead will elicit something like, "What, I have to make an appointment to see my own child?"

I moved out for the first time months ago... across the street. I still do my laundry and eat dinner sometimes at my parents house, but the move was wonderful, but a little lonely. My house everyone on top of everyone, all in my parents room hanging out. Now theres a lot more solitude, but I am growing to like it. No one visits me though - I think because I have no ac/cable/internet/real food/furniture. lol

JH4285, say, "Yes. Because while I am still your child, I am no longer a child. Adults make dates/appointments with other adults, and now we need to do the same."

Or something to that extent.