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She doesn't click with you and your friends, so she's a dud, huh?

Maybe all the trite, self-absorbed metrosexual superiority trips about living green and recycling simply bore her to death.

No, no. It couldn't be that.

Well said Parks. Forcing introverts to behave like extroverts only makes them dislike YOU (of course, they'll be too polite to say so).

what happens if that "dud" becomes a permanent fixture in your life and happens to be your new sister-in-law.. and seemingly has no interest in you or your family? any suggestions? we're really trying!! :)

ciniqueeni - try talking about her. People tend to open up a lot more when the focus is on them rather than on you.

As someone who is not comfortable in social situations, I enjoy it when someone gives me something to do: help in the kitchen, set the table, etc. I appreciate it when people give me time to relax.

That's an excellent suggestion, Sciencegeek.

ciniqueeni - same thing happened to me, but Oneisco hit it on the head. I just had to figure out what she liked to talk about. Pretty much all we have in common is a love of animals so we usually just talk about our pets.

thanks everyone for the suggestions, i continue to struggle with this. she's a hard one to crack! aside from that we are trying to find the positive in her because when she entered the family she did some hurtful things so i will use these tips to try to bridge the gap. i can't stand the uncomfortableness! hopefully it will pass, i am trying to put my feelings aside and trying to make a connection-i think it's important.

Some people just take time to warm up to new environments and people. They take time to observe and learn before deciding if they feel safe to express themselves. They also might prefer listening to talking. Relationships take time to develop, and conversation doesn't need to be forced. Let someone know you're glad they're present, extend opportunities for conversation, show an interest in them, and be sensitive to their pace.

Being forced to be an extrovert at a party is one of my least favorite things. A few tips from the other side:

-Don't mention that a guest isn't talking. This seems so obviously rude to me, but it happens all the time! If someone is sitting off in the corner, not talking, don't call everyone's attention to it: "What's up Debbie Downer? Why so quiet over there?" doesn't do anything for party energy.

-Make them a private ally. If you're sitting next to someone who's clearly shy, talk to them privately-- make a connection with them that doesn't include the group. For example, lean in and ask them, "How do you like the chicken?" or make them feel like an accomplice: "Is my mascara on ok?" etc. Eventually, this comfort will translate into more talkativeness.

For a new family member, this is especially important: invite them gift shopping for another family member, or ask their advice on something genuinely important.

-Give them a task, like ScienceGeek says.

-Good ol' fashioned ice breakers, either the structured kind (games, etc.) or just off-the-cuff, everyone-answer-this-question.

Im pretty socially awkward at times too (but crazy silly/talkative once I'm given time to adjust and find my comfort zone). I appreciate being included in conversations, but HATE when people try to drag me into their world before I'm ready too. All the above comments are right--if you 'force' me into anything I will probably never accept an invitation from you ever again lol.

I wouldn't label myself a "downer" though. I'm just not overly chatty/perky/silly/ energetic around people until Ive gotten to know you...I like feeling out people's energy first.

I like these suggestions. I'm an introvert in many ways (especially in new situations), and I think quiet people can be so misjudged. A lot of the time they're feeling so awkward, they're just staying quiet to avoid doing something stupid. I know a lot of people thought I was judgmental and haughty, when I was just freaking out.

Of course, a kind gesture is appropriate, even if it isn't received well. Maybe if they see someone striving to reach outside themselves and genuinely drawing someone out, they'll reciprocate, at least in part.

It's not clear if you have a shy person, negative person, difficult person, etc.

If someone is shy do not pressure them, especially if you will see them regularly, it will maybe just make them more uncomfortable - just be friendly, and here is my biggest helpful suggestion, give them tasks to do. Some people do take time to warm up and feel uncomfortable just sitting around in a social situation, but feel much better if they have a task to focus on. Whether gabbing plates, getting drinks, ice, assisting in the kitchen, etc.

Negative people are difficult to deal with generally. i hate being around people who see all glasses everywhere as half empty. These people are often hypercritical of everything. I try to change subjects or ask them about things they DO like. Hobbies, things they like, etc.

I would also say if you are really really good friends with someone you can ask them to maybe simmer down on the negativity. One of my best friends is very very critical and negative (not towards me, but generally everything everywhere). I generally tolerate it well, but she came to stay at my house for two weeks. It was horrible. I couldn't deal with the constant barrage of negativity about everything. So I told her I needed a break from the negativity and she really extended an effort to be a little cheerier.

Very well said, Jacasi.

It's important not to misinterpret someone who's not talking much as being someone who's not participating. Listening is a trait we often take for granted. Perhaps the current subject of conversation is something the person doesn't know enough about to feel comfortable contributing, but they're enjoying learning though listening.

A lot of good comments/suggestions above.

Another possibility could be the one that applies to me. In groups and especially in noisy background environments like restaurants, bars, etc., I have an extremely difficult time differentiating the voice of the person talking across the table from all of the background noise. It simply all blends together and I end up catching only portions of the conversation, making it very difficult to join in. And, yes, I've been to a specialist to have my hearing checked, only to find out there is nothing wrong with it.

My husband and I prefer to live as hermits and avoid parties.

... I've been sitting here wondering if Cini Queeni could possibly be my sister-in-law.

(I can't help it! I can't participate in conversations about constitutional law, or authors I've never read! I'm not a Debbie Downer, only a Debbie Downs Syndrome!)

As someone who has struggled to make a connection with her inlaws for some 20 years (!), I'd like to make you aware that you may be talking about people and events that don't include her, and that may be why she is being quiet.

My in-laws are not only French (and never made an effort to make sure I understood what they were talking about), but they would spend holidays talking about people and past events that I didn't know, and so had no contribution to make (they'd never fill me in). When they had their fill of that, they would play board games that tested your knowledge of Quebec culture (movies, tv shows, and books) going back 3 decades. Again, something that completely excluded me. My French is pretty good, but I am not a native, and cannot schmooze yet in the language -- that is a level above me!

So, be considerate and make sure that your conversations are truly inclusive.

I'm quite introverted, but I find that there's a fine line between shyness and rudeness; it's easy to be socially lazy and use your introversion as an excuse. If your host is gracious, you need to figure out how to muster up some polite responses.

My main tip to draw in someone new is to make it a conversation and not an interrogation by first covertly interrogating the boyfriend (or whatever mutual friend is bringing along this new person). Ask him in advance if the two of you have any common acquaintances, hobbies, school affiliations, etc.

Then, rather than just drilling questions with single word answers -- Where did you go to college? Do you know Joe Smith? Where do you work? -- you can start a discussion -- John tells me you loved State and that you and Joe Smith go way back. Have you always worked in insurance?

This is something that I personally am bad at, but I've noticed that it is a shared trait of all of the truly socially graceful people I know, so I'm trying to turn it into a habit.

I am delighted to see the writer being called to task about comparing introverts to downers, and all the good ideas about helping introverts/shy people warm up and relax. However, Shirley I felt moved to point out that, "Debbie Downs Syndrome" is in really poor taste. People saying things like that at parties are a good reason I keep quiet.

I'm shy & working on it, so here is my personal point of view on this : I dont talk much in social situations but enjoy being with new people & listening to their stories.Again, it does not mean I am not enjoying myself. There is a difference between & a different approach to a shy person & a debbie downer. One just needs to warm up to you and will probably turn out to be a nice person, the other is just... a party pooper? You will know quickly enough.
ps: english is not my first language, so please try to ignore any mistakes I have made.

I'm a very comfortable introvert - I love being around people, and I'm comfortable being me. Still, there is nothing more uncomfortable at gatherings than someone drawing attention to the fact that I'm not talking much. "You're not saying much..." is the equivalent of a huge neon arrow pointing out someone's differences. It's not polite to point out how much someone is talking, so why then would people think it's acceptable to point out how little someone is talking?

I agree w/the suggestions above - just had to reiterate that, as it's a pet-peeve.

Come on 'cini queeni! Give us the deets. What did she do, how could your brother marry someone so incomparable with his family? You can't put it out there and not follow up with the juicy stuff.

@Akay, good suggestions! I'm an introvert and am rarely at ease with new people but I do try. I realize that silence isn't going to help me get comfortable nor is it going to help my hosts do their job so I try to ask questions and answer with more than one word. Having been on the other end as well I can say that one word answers are a surefire way to exasperate the person trying to reach out to you and make a really bad impression.

@kaia87, I didn't see the author as comparing a true downer with an introvert, just saying that it can be difficult to tell the difference. And either way, someone who is clearly not having a good time can be a downer, regardless of if they are negative or if they are introverts. That's one of the reasons I turn down invites to situations I know will be really uncomfortable for me when I'm not feeling up to them.

I'm offering a link to a really GREAT article that uses humor to very accurately explain why some of us appear not to bubble over with manic energy at parties. We are not superior, boring, shy, misanthropic, or a DUD. We are introverted and prefer to have one on one conversations with people, and tend to clam up in large groups.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

to: shirley-temple-of-doom,

no-i don't think i am! but don't you wish there was more advice on in-laws (other than mother and father-in laws) ?? i do! good luck with yours :)

maybe this would help you? sometimes when no one is talking about anything i can relate to or even touch on i just volunteer my info and gracefully (not interrupting) start a new subject. how will they every know what i'm interested in if i don't open up and share?

If we were all extroverts who would flatter our egos?

akay: thank you for pointing out that the shy/introverted person needs to make an effort too!!!

slobound: She can indeed "put it out there and not follow up with the juicy stuff." Particularly since this is a public forum.

I am a shy extrovert. I am quite terrified in largely new social situations where I'm supposed to just sit down and chat with a slew of people who all know each other. I don't even like parties with people I know and LOVE where the whole point is to sit there and gab.

I really appreciate it when hosts make attempts at breaking up the large group; I have no problems interacting with people in smaller groups (or one on one). I personally try to make games and other structured ways to interact available; my social circle is very into games, so they're always welcome.

BTW, Ina Garten's advice (she's a poster child for extroversion) is a sure recipe to exhaust all the introverted people sandwiched between extroverts. That scenario is exactly why introverts hate going to parties in the first place. Put two of us "quiet" people next to each other and we will end up having a lovely conversation amidst all the other noise going on around us.

to: slobound,

how to sum this up? whew......

-she uninvited her fiance's (now husband) family from their wedding via email after invitations had already gone out

-they had a rapid engagement so we didn't get much time to get to know her before she was legally bound (which posses no problem! but now she's been around for a while but no one really knows her)

-she is socially awkward and cold and doesn't speak unless spoken to and shows no interest in trying to fit in with the family unless it's on her terms

-has an air of superiority towards me and my significant other (we think it's because we aren't legally married yet and she is, thus feels superior)


....there are the juicy deets... no i feel guilty!
but i am stumped as to how to move on from this!

"-she uninvited her fiance's (now husband) family from their wedding via email after invitations had already gone out"

That's pretty major. Something similar happened in my family with my brother's wife. I just don't talk to her anymore. Sometimes it's just not worth the energy.

As far as dealing with downers, I liked Wait Wait There's idea of making them a private ally. I've found that works really well. I used to be quite introverted and always appreciated someone who would start a one-on-one conversation.

This post brings out an interesting perspective issue. Extroverts often assume that introverts are uncomfortable because they are silent. But as an introvert (i.e. the Debbie Downer at the table), I often find that extroverted people are far more uncomfortable with me NOT talking than I am with them talking, and talking, and talking. For certain kinds of extroverts, an introvert's silent attention is just as excruciating an experience as it is for me when I am asked why I am being so quiet. Extroverts sometimes feel they are losing their sense of who they are if they don't know where they stand with others. After learning how to use certain phrases to move conversation along, I get along much better with the extroverted people in my life, without having to make myself uncomfortable. Sometimes a simple, "How interesting," "cool idea," or "How funny!" can go a long way toward relieving the tension extroverted people feel when conversation lapses. They know how I see them, they feel reassured, and now, I look like a good listener instead of a Debbie Downer.

to: clampers,

it is very major and i can't go into allllll of the details (this is a public forum) but just not speaking to them? i honestly would be relieved if i could do that. but i see her quite often and this is not an option. i'm trying to come up with solutions so i don't become very bitter, because i love his family therefor i am very protective of them!

what do you do when there's a family gathering? still ignore?

Daily Nuance, me too. I'm shy but have learned to be more sociable. However, the more people there are around me, and the more stimulus and noise, the harder I find it to carry on an intelligent conversation. I tend to become sort of spaced out. Not good when I don't know most of the people at an event; I tend to retreat.

Great advice from wait wait. I think many of these tips would draw me out.

'Cini queeni, I feel your pain. I have a horrible SIL too and unfortunately there is no fixing it in my case. I mean this in the kindest way, but I think your first clue comes from the last line of your last post. You do need to move on and try to forget about these past problems. Not easy, I know. It sounds like you are dealing with a highly insecure person. Maybe things will improve with time, maybe not. Your intentions sound good. Maybe you need to take half a step back and invite her to move forward? She may be such a nervous type that your efforts are overwhelming her?

'Cini queeni, Fortunately for me, my family and I live in different states, so we actually don't see each other but once every few years. There are YEARS of drama and bad energy between us, so it has been *relatively* easy for me to wash my hands of it. But still, it is a vicious cycle that continues on: I don't want to talk to them, so I don't, then I feel guilty for not communicating, but at the same time I don't see a reason to, then I feel guilty for THAT. It is just way too involved to get into on this website and not the right audience, anyway, plus people have their own family dramas and I'm sure they don't want to listen to mine.

My problem is that she is not introverted at all, she is WAY too in-your-face! But like ElleBee said, I think it all stems from insecurity.

Anyway, just remember that you are not alone! Lots of people have shitty family members, introverted or extroverted or whatever.

to: clampers & ellebee,

whew! i can't stand to try and not fix things, it irritates me! but i think i'll have to just distract myself from the unpleasantness.. it may never get better, which is not up to me or in my control (frustrating!!!)

thanks for sharing all of that. good to know i have company :) i'm in my mid/early 20's so... i am learning, i'm learning!

thanks again (sorry for taking over the board everyone!)

This has been a really interesting conversation. Thanks to everyone.

Well, I have to side with the majority of the other commenters here that blanketing all quiet people as "Debbie Downers" was offsides. On the other hand, I can see how dealing with them would make you think they all were Debbie Downers if you had the idea that as host/hostess your job is to ensure that everyone is talking and having fun during the entire evening. I'm 31 years old, most of the people I have over to my house are about that age. If an adult can't or won't take advantage of the help I give them by introducing people and topics that I know to be of interest to them, well I'm just not going to worry about it all night.
If they're squished into the corner of the couch saying nothing to anyone because they just want to be quiet and take time to warm up, I'll hear through the grapevine and they'll get another invite sometime. If they're sulking or superior or a real Downer, I'll hear about that too eventually and they won't get another invite - which will probably be as much of a relief to them as it will be to me.

Hosting frustrations can sometimes be dealt with internally - by changing your own attitude about what the responsibility of the host is. No need to complicate things by trying to guess the right way to handle an unknown quantity.

As eyemandy and others have said there is nothing more uncomfortable at gatherings than someone (the extrovert) drawing attention to the fact that you're (the introvert) not talking much. As eyemandy further points out, it's not polite to point out how much someone is talking, so why then would people think it's acceptable to point out how little someone is talking? So very true. And so very rude.

My suggestion to the introverts when asked the rude question of why they're not talking is to turn the question around and ask why the person asking is talking so much!

I agree with denisegk -- there's a big difference, even in body-language, between someone who is being introvertedly quiet and someone who actively does not want to interact with a particular group (i.e. a real Downer). Yes, sometimes these two types overlap to begin with (I know I really physically shut down when I'm thrown into a room with a bunch of strangers), it can be pretty easily read in body language when someone starts to get more comfortable (or less so).

Pay attention to people's body-language -- it's often a BIG indication of how they're feeling. Much more so than chattability. I can happily sit at a party for hours, watching people, engaging with the room, and not say more than 20 words unless asked. But my body says "I'm here and I'm happy", not "please someone stop me from stabbing my eyeballs out with a fork".

Our bodies are more expressive, sometimes, than any amount of facile chatter could be, about how comfortable we are in a situation.

I just like to let people talk! I actually enjoy listening to others' exuberant stories and hear them go on and on about their careers and kids. When it comes my turn or I have something valuable to say I will interject and have the floor for a moment and then I go back to listening. It's just my way.

For example, my husband's family LOVES to talk. And talk. And talk. So I just let them. I learn more about them that way. But when his aunt asks me to tell her all about something, she knows she's in for an earfull. We have a nice balance this way.

@cini queeni--your SIL sounds really insecure. You may have done this already, but try "killing her with kindness" to see if she opens up a bit--if it doesn't work, well, at least you gave it a whirl. Is there anything the two of you could do together like go to a movie and then coffee, or go shopping?

Back to the thread: I'm also one of those comfortably quiet until I get to know you types, but can be raucous once I warm up.

I can really relate to a lot of the comments on this post. I'm introverted, not really people oriented, and even family gatherings are an awkward experience for me. Unless I'm doing something, or talking to someone one on one, I tend to keep quiet and inject a laugh or nod to seem interested. In reality, I'm spacing out (like someone already mentioned) or shutting down. There were excellent suggestions offered and they do work...in my experience. Also, I have my share of family dramas. It's nice to read that I'm not alone. Excellent post!

I love my quiet time, moreso in the last few years.

I usually dread any type of function I am invited to, but can hold my own, unless the company is dire..... the most extreme being invited to an "all-guy" dinner that a friend of mine did as a note of appreciation to all the other guys he worked with. I walked in, and everyone was playing videogames, screaming "F**KNG" this and "F**KNG" that, calling each other "fags", breaking wind, etc..... There CAN be such a thing as a party where everybody ELSE is a downer, yes?

(And I don't think you need to be a gay introvert to be mortified at such a sorry soiree....but it helped to seal the deal for me)

I have Asperger Syndrome, and am a bit hard to pull out of my shell at times.

I think there's a definite difference between an introvert, who appreciates listening to others talk and a debbie downer, someone who, in my book, puts a damper on the party.

Even though shyness was offered as one form of downerism, there are definitely other ways to be a debbie downer at a party. For example....

Last year, I hosted Thanksgiving at my house with an assorted group of friends from different walks of life (grad school peers, soccer teammates, co-workers, etc.) My crazy soccer coach and his wife invited themselves to the party.

Upon arrival, the wife insisted that each guest pen their name and recipe name next to what they brought (it was a potluck). Some brought more than others, and this couple happened to bring a lot (mostly because they are crazy about "homemade preparation" for Thanksgiving). She insisted it was so that if someone liked another's dish, they could ask for the recipe, but I know the reason was just to show how much they brought. Reason being? They put their name on a 30 pack of Coors Light they brought to the party (which I paid them for, btw).

But there was more.....

Even though the invite listed dinner at 4, the husband began complaining at 3 that his food was not in the oven yet (he was a vegetarian, and the turkey was being cooked all day). Even though there were PLENTY of appetizers around, he stormed out of the party and went to Starbucks to grab a couple bagels. I was on the porch, and buzzed at this point (had to be, CLEARLY), so how do I know this? His wife tattled on him.

At some point they also had a mini-marital fight, when she mentioned her favorite part of Thanksgiving football was on, and he promptly changed the channel.

For months after, my other friends would joke about the crazy couple who knew no one else at the party, but began ordering people around from the minute they walked in the door.

If ANYTHING was not homemade they complained about it and made whoever brought it feel stupid. How did I get through the event? Welp, like I said, I had a 30 pack of Coors on the backburner, in addition to plenty of wine. Needless to say, they will not be invited back to my place for dinner parties. Even if I can appreciate their quirkiness, it seems unfair to make others tolerate their rude behavior. Debbie Downers 4 Life!

homebody....wonderful link...and so true!

cmelton13 - me too with the Aspbergers. I am okay with people labling me a Debbie Downer, it's their choice to not understand someone's handicap. If someone tries to force me into a conversation, I try to politely decline, go to the bathroom, get a drink, whatever. If someone will not let it go and is making a scene, I leave. However, usually someone will step in and explain that the happy hostess needs to knock it off, or the person I am with will pull the main offenders aside and explain my disorder.

So yeah, if you get the message from your guest (especially if he or she is a plus one, or an obligatory invite) that they are just fine not talking, leave them alone.

I agree with everyone who has said that the worst thing to do with a quiet person at a get-together is to draw attention to how quiet they are.

...Actually, the *absolute* worst thing you can do is try to force someone to dance who does not want to. Stop grabbing me and pushing me onto the dancefloor. I SAID NO, DAMMIT!

graefix, I also dread the won't-it-be-fun-to-drag-person-who-doesn't-dance-onto-the-floor situation. It's the worst. I've learned to predict it though. It usually happens when the dancing extroverts discover that there are only a few people dancing, then they get lonely (oh the horror), and attempt to drag anyone in the vicinity onto the floor in order to make it more fun for themselves. Lonely dancers is always my cue to fade to the back, or better yet, another room.