apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

Three rules: Live. Laugh. Leave.

Live it up.
Laugh a lot.
Leave when the time is right.

I am in full agreement with your minimalist rule structure -- reasonable without being anal. Any more than that might turn one into an un-Funyun

No red wine near my sofa.

When I was growing up my parents had a strict no shoes rule and it drove me crazy. Carpet and rugs are meant to be walked on!
If a family wants to reduce wear and tear in their daily use by taking off shoes on a regular basis that's fine but when you have guests over they should feel like guests and be pampered. I would never ask my guests to load the dishwasher - why should I ask them to take off their shoes? Get out your vacuum/spot cleaner afterwards and chalk it up as part of the price you pay to enjoy your guests.

I like the no-shoes rule, especially in wet and muddy weather. I always look to my host to see if I should take my shoes off or leave them on. When in doubt, take them off!

I think taking off shoes and not smoking goes without saying. But I suppose it has to do with the culture you are living in. I always remind people the cats are not allowed outside, the cats have escaped on occasion (one particularly sneaky cat) I find it ironic that peoples immediate response is to watch the cat run, then come inside and slowly tell me what happened. I then have to run!!!

My biggest rule is when I decide the party is over... its over. Some people will just sit there and drink everything you have until they pass out. I can't tolerate this (anymore)

Definitely no smoking. I prefer guests take off their shoes but I think I only ask them too if its muddy or wet outside. That's it. I suppose if I had nicer furniture I might try to get people to use coasters, but my coffee table is a beat-up hand me down so I don't care.

No offense intended, but I absolutely can't stand "no shoes" rules. I am one of those people who think FEET are a somewhat intimate part of the body, and A) don't care to see other people's feet and B) don't care to expose mine. If it's close family and close friends, yes maybe it's OK. But I think a bunch of adults at a dinner party who might not know each other very well sitting around eating fancy food and drinking expensive wine in their socks or bare feet is way too informal and kinda gross.

Carpet and floors are meant to be walked on. By people. In shoes. If you don't want them to get dirty, then don't invite people over. Asking people remove their shoes is pretty personal and intrusive. Assuming my shoes will get your floors dirty or ruin them somehow seems so inherently rude. How can I assume that your floors are clean enough for my socks and safe for my feet? If someone steps on something sharp, I hope your homeowner's insurance will cover it. And if I get a run in my tights, I hope you're ready to buy me new ones.

Sorry, it's just one of my biggest pet peeves.

I really hate the no shoes rule well as well. Yuck.
We don't have any rules for our guests, really, although we have had people behave so badly they have not been invited back.

I didn't know that so many people have a blanket expectation that people take their shoes off when they enter their home. That indicates a level of informality that I wouldn't just assume as a guest.

Mine are no smoking and keeping the TV at a reasonable volume. The second one is more of a consideration for my neighbors since I live in an old-ish house where sound really carries and the wall are thin.

As a host, I'm a fan of the no-shoes rule. I've lived in Seattle and now Chicago, and with wet and muddy weather throughout the year, it's a bad idea to wear shoes indoors. That said, I also don't own carpeting (just bare wood floors) because I can't police this rule all the time and I don't want to be paranoid about a rug every time people come over.

However, as a guest, I understand why people are uncomfortable removing their shoes. I've been to a couple of houses where the floors were just...grimey. Pet hair, dirt, etc. all over the floor. By the time I left, the soles of my feet were covered in a mask of grit and I didn't want to put my own shoes on again. So this is my solution: I carry around a pair of clean, fuzzy socks. Whenever I find myself in a no-shoes situation, I take off my shoes and socks and put on my spare pair. When it's time to go, I take off my socks and put them (inside out) back into my purse.

It's clear that you 'all shoes, all the time' people live in places with relatively nice weather. If you came into my house with wet, muddy, or snowy footwear and did not take off your shoes, you would not be invited back. I don't know where you've walked in those shoes, but it's usually safe to assume that your feet or socks are at least washed occasionally.

Bx: the wonderful thing living here in Los Angeles with a population from all walks of life is the no-shoes policy is hardly even regarded as an imposition. Most cultures promote no shoes in the house (floors and carpets have and are not always designed to be walked upon by shoes), both out of respect for their host and also because who wants someone bringing in dirt/grime from a very urban environment. So my United Nations of amigos y amigas not only respect the decision, they completely understand the benefits from a cleanliness standard. Plus, my friends have great taste in socks and hosiery and it's usually quite fun pointing out each others choices in footwear.

We have the no-shoes rule, too, but on a daily basis, not when there's a party. But if the partiers want to go sans shoes, they're welcome to.

With the kids, the volume level rule is "No talking louder than mom & dad are talking right now. If you're in another room, don't yell, go into the other room and ask the person."

I think the shoes rule, as people have commented, is very cultural. Since I grew up in an Asian household, now I wouldn't DREAM of allowing anybody to walk in my house in their outdoor shoes. They can wear indoor guest slippers if they want.

The thought of microscopic bits of dog shit, urine on the sidewalk, all kinds of creepy crawly germs being tracked into my beautiful clean house and taking up permanent residence in my rugs and carpet...is gross beyond all comprehension. Vacuum is minimally effective...

A lot of this has to do with very Asian cultural distinctions of inside/outside, clean/unclean, as compared to any rational such distinctions.

Taking your shoes off seems to be almost a given these days but I really don't like walking around in my stocking feet, not even in my own home. (It's partly because of a recurring condition that makes one heel ache, especially when I'm shoeless.) As a guest, my compromise is to bring along a pair of shoes that I can honestly promise have never been worn outdoors.

I have a no-shoe rule as well in my home especially during the winter time. It is more of an un-spoken rule (my husband and I keep a ton of shoes at the front door so it is a subtle hint) but when asked, I always say I prefer them to take their shoes off. When I was younger (and my parents still do this), my family would bring sleepers with us to homes we were visiting and we would all wear sleepers in the house.

Also I am a coaster person. I always make sure there are tons of cork coasters in addition to our standard coasters during parties. There is definitely no smoking in my home but I have never really had to break out that rule. Other than that, there really is no other real rules in my home.

Wait, rearrange infants and children?

Jenc, I think that's a good point. I live in LA so when people ask me to take my shoes off at parties it doesn't quite make sense, but if I lived somewhere with a bit more "weather" I'd be more understanding.

That said, it really is strange to me to ask for shoe removal somewhere like Southern California. PLUS, I'm always bummed out when I have to take my shoes off at party as my shoes are part of my ensemble :) and it feels strange walking around in a nice outfit but barefoot.

My only house rules are no smoking inside and keeping doors closed for the kitties. Oh and that you have to make yourself at home!

I HATE the no-shoes rule. Not only are my shoes perhaps coordinating my outfit, but I usually don't consider whether bare feet or stocking feet will go with my dress. Plus, then I am cold and uncomfortable the entire time I am in your home. I find it RUDE when people ask me to bear my feet for their function.

Those that entertain - get a doormat. If it's wet/snowy outside, put one outside and another inside and ask guests to please WIPE their feet. Most will do it on their own when they see you have put them out.

Then anticipate the floors will be dirty and they will need to be washed. Just like you will probably have dirty dishes and perhaps a broken glass or spilled drink.

I'm totally with the person who made the comment about no-shoes being dictated by location and culture.
Here in Vancouver, not only is there the constant rain (and therefore mud) to be worried about, but as a high % of people own dogs here and not everyone cleans up after them, I'm not interested in feces on my floors thank you.
I do what someone else here does, I always bring socks (if my feet are going commando) in my purse when I am invited somewhere else.
That and no-smoking in the house are the only 2 biggies.

I live in Alberta and around here, unquestionably, shoes worn outdoors are for outdoors and public places, not inside people's homes! For the majority of the year it's so we don't track melting snow, dirt, mud or water in, but all year 'round it's a way of showing respect to your host. Some people, especially older folks, will bring "indoor" shoes and that's fine.

I live at the beach and have 3 rules, 1) leave the sand outside (there's a hose right by the front door with a big sign) 2) no wet bathing suits on the furniture and 3) no wet beach towels inside (we have hooks by the front door)

I hate the no shoes rule although i completely understand since i usually have more sand inside my house than on the beach...

I never would have asked guests to remove their shoes...until recently. At my last party, some of my friends wore high heels that left small indentations in my wood floors ALL around the kitchen bar. It looks like there was a tiny hail storm in the kitchen. I think I'll need to refinish the floors to fix the problem, and I'm still not sure how I'll address the shoe issue at my next party.

Guests, do not do this to your host!

If you have people over and expect them to take off thier shoes, it's important to let them know in advance...then they aren't at your door worrying about their big toe peeking out of their mismatched socks, or worse :) unpainted toes. It also saves the person who thinks it's rude/inconvenient to opt for not coming.

Sounds like we all have very much the same rules, and are all over the place on the shoe thing. I, myself, am all over the place on the shoe thing. I have been wanting to implement the no-shoe rule for my husband and me for a while now, but it isn't taking. Since we're wearing shoes when others come over, they see us wearing them and tend to keep theirs on. Winter time, however, is another story. It just doesn't make sense, in any of our homes here in Minnesota, to carry the slush around the house. Regardless of the weather, however, I always ask, if not immediately remove them, when I go to others' homes.

And, yes, NO SMOKING! Even when I was a smoker, I couldn't stand the idea of smoking indoors. But, most folks don't have to be told. It's kind of the unspoken rule, I guess.

Otherwise, it's my goal to make my guests comfortable and to encourage intimacy and fun, so we're pretty casual when they're here.

I feel strongly about the no shoes rule.

A host should strive to make their guests feel comfortable. There are so many reasons why taking off shoes could make a guest feel uncomfortable:

1. they don't want to tear their stockings
2. they don't want to dirty their socks
3. they're self conscious about the way their feet look/smell
4. they feel short without their heels on
5. their outfit doesn't look complete without their shoes

Tracking in germs has never been a huge concern of mine. Partly because I mop my floors regularly, but mostly because my floors are walked on, not eaten off of.

That said, I know sometimes weather conditions are so extreme that even wiping feet off on a mat will not stop rain/snow/mud from being tracked in. If you simply must ask your guests to take off their shoes perhaps its best to let them know of this rule well in advance? That way they can plan their outfit ahead of time, and maybe get a pedicure too!

My only rules are:
no smoking indoors (there's a balcony)
don't terrorize the cat
if you ask for a glass of wine/alcohol, please drink it

With regards to a comment above, would you seriously sue a friend if you stepped on something sharp in their house? Are people REALLY this uptight? With these attitudes I don't think people get invited to other people's houses much at all.

As for the barefoot thing, I was raised in Asia so the no shoes thing was a normal part of everyday life. It's like learning about different cultures, you don't go to japan and complain about taking off your shoes to step on the tatami.

On the other hand, a host might warn people in advance or provide alternate footware for those less comfy about de-shoeing in public. My parents used to have house slippers for people.

As a guest I always ASK if I should remove my shoes. As intrusive as it may seem to the guest, your presence is far more intrusive to the host and it is best to respect their wishes.

As for my house- I'm a bit of a furniture freak and everyone knows it. So, people are very gentle on the vintage Eames, and everyone -EVERYONE -uses a coaster on the coffee table I made by hand.

Other than that its just be respectful (sometimes a conservative AND a liberal can live together) and also know when the evening is getting late.

I think as a host, you should have either slippers or nice soft cushy socks that you keep by the front door if you expect your guest to take off their shoes. That way, you win by keeping your floors clean and they win by keeping their feet covered. And if they freak out about already used socks, which have been washed and are perfectly fine, you should probably not invite them over anyways. That is not a very fun person.

i always remove my shoes when I enter someone's house because as a guest it is the polite thing to do for them.

For the people on the shoe bandwagon and say put some rugs down if the weather is less then ideal...

a rug outside your door and inside your door isn't going to do it. I'm from the midwest, and we get a lot of snow. and that snow sticks to your shoes. A simple 2 rug thing doesn't do anything to it, your carpets will get wet and dirty no matter what.

I used to have people over my one place al the time and we had 2 rugs, and it didn't do much. I still remember the one time a friend came over, wiped her feet in both places and took off her shoes. When she left that night, there were giant wet spots where she left her shoes, soaked into my carpet.

So how about this, instead of leaving this pressure on the host. Just be a good guest and take your stupid shoes off.

Wow, who knew there were so many foot freakout fetishes. Makes me wonder if it's decent to wear sandals in public. I really prefer that people not wear shoes in my house, but I don't ask anyone to. Anyway, I visited a Chinese family once who did much as sabrinaa suggested and offered around house shoes. I thought that was nice.

Hollie - I think the guests who stare after the cat are just in a sort of mild panic mode... it's a sort of "duhhhhh... now what?" moment.

We have the "no shoes" rule for everyday life, when it does apply to playdates, the sitter, close friends who take off shoes because they know we do. The baby does try to eat off the floor, and I'm a little germophobic about shoes.

However, if we're having a party or it's not close friends, we do not ask them to take off shoes, and I would feel a little weird doing it. We've done parties where I have shoes for the outfit and everybody including me leaves them on. We've also done more casual parties where we have ours off and many other people notice and take theirs off too. But I don't care either way. The floor's going to be dirty after a party regardless!

The only definite rules we have are to smoke outside... generally that means people go downstairs to smoke, but once in a while my brother and SIL ask to smoke out the window when it's gross weather outside, and that's fine too. Don't think I'd like it if it were a daily thing, but they're not in town more than 3-4 times a year.

And shoes off in the bed... The only TV is in the bedroom, so sometimes kids playdate friends pile in there to watch TV or last night, us and our best friends hopped in to watch election coverage. But it's a rare situation!

I think our only one house rule is no smoking in the house, which of course always relocates the party to the backyard, but deems be the rules! I do my best to make it my responsibility to secure the pets so that my guest and fury friends may be comfortable, outside of that, just have a good time and leave your drama at the door!

Oh, whytephoenix, your right, Ive chased that cat down the street at 3am, snowing, barefooted, I suspect its fun to watch me run too ;)

Whenever you pay a fine, you put it in the kitty. When someone lands on Free Parking, they take the kitty. Kitty is seeded with $500 at beginning of the game. (see: http://www.playagaingames.com/games/monopoly_home_rules )

No farmer's hands ( http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070603170745AAUQE8K )

The shoes issue has come up before. I grew up wearing shoes (no, not muddy winter boots, but yes, shoes) in the house and I'm much more comfortable in shoes. I'm also perfectly willing to remove them in someone else's house (though if I have only a 2x3' doormat to remove them on, well, I'll do my best!). In response to truenic, however, I don't think it makes a lot of sense if the person asking for shoe removal also owns a dog! It's not like you can remove the dog's shoes when it comes inside, after all.

i lived in many countries around the world and accustom to many cultural differences. nevertheless , i now live in US, where water (including hot) and variety of soap and cleaning solutions are readily available for everyone to clean the floor after the party. i find it extremely poor taste to ask guests to remove shoes. as many mention before, it could be part of attire for some, discomfort of one sort or another for others. as for me, i'm only 5'1", wearing high heels as natural as breathing for me. my pants length depends on it, my dresses and skirts depend on high heel proportions, why in the whole world after trying to look nice for the party do i have to disassemble my outfit just to feel short and dumpy in instant?! i rather prefer to be not invited. i also have a dear japanese friend, who feels more comfortable in my house without shoes but never-ever asks me to remove mine in her home. After my inquiry on that subject, she simply stated that the tradition is- the family removes shoes before entering but when guests are invited, their comfort and enjoyment are far higher priority for hosts. she would not ask her guests to remove shoes even if you'd bit her with the sticks.

I recently moved from Michigan to Texas and have gone from removing my shoes to now keeping them on. In Michigan, there is a line of shoes by the door and you are taught to remove them as you enter your home or anyone else's. Here in Texas, no one takes off their shoes. We looked funny when we went over to someone's house and my whole family "dis-robed" our feet at the door. They just looked at us funny.

I don't serve food or drink that if spilled would stain horribly.

I don't put out glasses that if broken would upset me.

I tell new guests that I have cats before they arrive so that they can opt-out or take allergy pills if needed.

I wear house-slippers in my home, and guests who feel comfortable removing their shoes may -- but I never request they do unless they ask me first if I prefer it.

I don't invite children into my home during parties. Most adults I know with kids of their own agree that kids will damage just about anything they touch, and are happy to get a sitter. Parents always asks if kids are welcome before they bring them along on other occasions -- and I make sure to provide kid-friendly snacks and distractions that won't leave marker/crayon/food stains on the floors, walls, or furniture, such as books, blocks, and dolls.

PS

in this day and age, who on earth would be so rude as to smoke in someone ele's home without asking? or wouldn't just assume that they should go outside to smoke??

I absolutely HATE the no shoes rule. I can understand though the mud/rain/snow reason for the folks who live in those sorts of climates for most of the year.

If I am dressed up for an occasion at your humble abode DO NOT make me remove my shoes unexpectedly! Shoes can make or break an outfit, lol. The least you can do as a host is warn people ahead of time so that they aren’t groaning about your dumb rule behind your back. I just don’t feel comfortable taking off my shoes in someone’s house, especially if I don’t know them that well. It bothers me less if its family though.

All that being said the only rule at my house is no smoking.

No smoking and now, after our last party, no stilettos. Someone had to wear their most pointy shoes and completely destroy our hardwood floors.

We are a shoes off house but I would never ask my guests to take off their shoes. Luckily for me, about 99% of my friends also have no shoes houses so they always take their shoes off when they come here.

(The stiletto incident was a fundraising party for a cancer walk that I am doing so there was loads of people that I didn't know in my house- hence, they destroyed floors.)

I figure - if you're a person who is inviting guests to your home and asking them to take off their shoes - you should provide a reasonable alternative for them. Martha had a show on this a few years ago - a shoe bucket near the door filled with basic house shoes/crocs/whatev in various sizes for people to wear inside the house. A happy medium?

In reading the postings it seems that it is very regional. Growing up in western NY we ALWAYS removed our shoes, especially in the winter, it just carried through to the rest of the year. My partner, who is also from the Great Lakes region, is the same way. Not only will you track in the snow/wet if you leave your shoes on, you'll also track in all the salt/sand that was used to melt the ice. The salt is the worst. It gets everywhere, and that is not fun to remove from all the floors in your house. Now that I live in the SF bay area we don't really request people do anything, if our guests leave their shoes on we deal with any issues as they arise. Any of our friends that grew up in snowy areas automatically take of their shoes without us having to say a word. It is usually our born and raised in California friends that keep their shoes on. I'm just happy people came over!

I grew up in Hawaii, where the overwhelming majority of households are shoeless, and now live in the Pacific Northwest (land of eternal rain and mud) but would never dream of insisting that guests remove their shoes.

The purpose of etiquette is to put others at ease. Telling your guests to remove their shoes is poor etiquette on the part of the host, assuming you don't live in a culture where this is the norm.

The closest I get to a "rule" is that I prefer guests not smoke in the house. My in-laws, however, are strongly addicted to nicotine, and if it's extremely cold outside, I'm okay with them smoking near an open window. The weekly poker guests, though, are forbidden - too many cigars and the basement would stink for weeks!

it is quite interesting to follow the shoes discussion. I was raised in Poland, and it seems to be a quite similar tradition to Asian countries. For us it was absolutely natural that you just don't wear shoes indoors. I remember when I was a kid and watched American movies, how shocking it was to us that people were wearing shoes indoors! I couldn't understand that! :D I still feel bad when I walk even a little bit in shoes at home. I take them off momentarily, and put on my slippers. it helps me relax, and is a signal of coming home.

Back in Poland, when people were coming to visit it was understood that you took of shoes. But - it was also natural that you always had extra pairs of slippers for guests. We never had any real parties (oh, the communist times!), people didn't care about the outfit coordination that much ;-)

Now, that I live in the US, I am torn. I feel uncomfortable whenever I visit someone, because I never know what to do! I don't know if I should be "American" (learned on movies) and keep my shoes on, or to take them off... When I had people over, I didn't say anything and let them decide what's most comfortable. I promise myself to buy extra guest slippers, so it might be a bit of bringing my own culture to my home.

I remember an American family who lived in Poland for a few years - they bought two dozens of slippers and kept it in a nice basket by the doors, because they wanted to obey the Polish tradition of the host country! I think it was very nice.

I think it would be the best if I as a host tried to be the most accomodating and welcoming host ever AND I as a guest or the guest who is coming to visit me, would try to be the best guest ever. Understanding and respect for both sides is the key to success.
Other rules for my house ? No smoking.

And even though it's not a rule (I would never mentioned it to anyone) I HATE when people think it's ok to look around my apt not invited for a tour. If the doors to a room a closed - they are closed for a reason. My bedroom is off limits - it's my haven, my sanctuary. Unless I want to show my close friend a new bed covering I bought - stay away from it!

Three weeks after we put in beautiful Brazilian walnut flooring I hosted a bridal shower for one of my best friends. It was our first party in our new space and I was so excited! The evening was perfect but at the end of the night, I turned all the lights on (it had been a candlelit evening for the most part) I was greeted with hundreds of divots all over our brand new floor from the guests' high-heeled shoes. And there was an 8" square section that was so torn up the unstained wood underneath was showing through in the deep scratches. I nearly died... and my husband was livid.

Needless to say, we learned our lesson. We have a shoes off policy for the most part and absolutely no hard soled shoes (men's dress shoes, women's heels, etc). I have wondered about an appropriate way to let people know ahead of time that we have a no shoes policy without sounding too rude. Any thoughts? I just feel that would be awkward on an invitation.

I have to add I'm in canada, so the no shoes rule is a given, dont have to tell ppl that. i associate shoes in the house with people who dont clean their floors, I've seen it too many times. Yuck!

My mother in law insists we wear slippers. I hate wearing slippers, more than socks, which I always wear. Every xmas she gives me a new pair and every year they magically disappear

Personally, I do not own a dog.

We also do not wear shoes in our house, (this is quite evident once you walk in the entryway). Also have hardwood floors and even said on our housewarming invitation for people to not wear stilettos as we had just had them refinished.

What boggles my mind is that we have friends that have a no-shoes policy yet insist on walking in my house with their shoes on, forcing me to ask them to remove their shoes. (?!?!)

I do think the idea of offering slippers is a fair compromise though (even though I don't wear them-my feet get too sweaty!)

What to do when having more than a few people over?

jhill-I've also wondered how to do the same without posting something that will end up on passiveaggressivenotes.com. :)

My rule:
- No smoking inside or within 20 feet of the door and windows.

Not rules, but common courtesy:
- As a good hostess, I will always offer you whatever I have on hand to drink and munch on. Don't rumage through my cupboards and fridge and ask "hey, are you gonna eat this?"
- Opening every door, closet, cabinet and drawer or reading mail (unless it's a magazine or catalog) is just rude.
- If you're making a stinky, please use the exhaust fan, a courtesy flush, and/or air freshener. This isn't a truck stop, people live here.
- If a bedroom door is closed, respect it's privacy.



The shoe thing is understandable in situations of bad weather and culture. If you're anal about your carpet, maybe you should get a darker color, or not have guests. That being said, if you MUST ask guest to remove shoes (for whatever reason), you should keep a basket of (new, clean) socks in various sizes near your shoe removal area. Asking guests to remove shoes can be inconvenient and intrusive. Runs in stockings are a major annoyance, and 1 person with smelly feel can ruin the mood for EVERYONE in the house.

We love to have people over, and most of our friends have children. Because entertaining and making people feel welcome and comfortable in our home is so important to us, I avoid owning items that are too "precious." We have plenty of wonderful items that are valuable but worn, full of character built through use. Our rugs are washable, and we took our carpet out for this very reason. I cringe at the thought of chasing people around with coasters or making someone feel terrible about the occasional accident that may happen with a glass of wine or a wayward toddler. I don't believe in showroom houses-- they are LIVING spaces, and life should be full of people and warm memories shared in our homes.

Let me clarify that *I* would NEVER actually sue anyone for stepping on something sharp in their house, but in this day and age of super staph infections and litigiousness, it COULD happen. People can be rotten like that sometimes.
It's a sad possibility.

I understand some cultural expectations and practices are different. I would EXPECT to take my shoes off in Asian households. If I EXPECT it, it's easier to deal with. Then I can plan my outfit and pedicure around it. It's going to places I didn't EXPECT it that I think it's rude. If you have a no-shoes house, OK, but TELL people beforehand! And don't throw formal parties at all, then. 99% of some people's formal outfit is the shoes. It ceases to be formal OR in tasteful when everyone's corns and fungus and holey socks are on display.

I think the idea of having house shoes or slippers or socks is a nice idea, but STILL. If I showed up in Blahniks - not knowing it was a no-shoes house - and the host asked me to take them off and said, 'oh pick out a pair of Crocs from that bucket by the door' I think I'd have to decline as politely as possible. AFTER I fainted.

And thanks to those who commented that spikes and stilettos ruin hardwood. I hadn't really considered that before. Great info!

*No tobacco consumption of any kind during the visit. I'm very allergic to cigarette smoke, so if someone went out to smoke and came back in smelling smoky, I'd still be in serious trouble.

*Be nice to the cats (it's their home, too) and don't let them outside.

*A closed door means "Do Not Enter."

*No shoes on the Oriental rug IF it's been steam-cleaned recently. I don't clean it that much (as I tend to kick off my own shoes at home), so this doesn't often apply.

I think i like the first commenter's rules: live, laugh, leave.

The shoes thing freaks me out. I grew up in an asian family, wearing shoes indoors would be a mark of serious disrespect. When i figured out other people wear shoes indoors, I almost decided not to throw any parties ever! I've loosened up since, close friends know and will take their shoes off anyway; people I dont know that well get to keep shoes on (in nice weather, atleast), but i have a (suggestive) set of slip-ons by the door. In any case, the vacuum cleaner rushes out as soon as they leave.

This shoes vs. no shoes thing is completely foreign to me. I had no idea it was such a point of contention in some places.

Here it's just intuitively and automatically no shoes. It's a common sight to see piles of boots and shoes at the door whenever you go to get-together. If someone's house tends to be cold they might have slippers for people (my grandmother always did). But in the fall/winter/spring people always wear socks anyway.

Maritime hospitality however, would dictate that if someone prefers to wear their shoes, they do (I'm in Nova Scotia). I always feel uncomfortable wearing my shoes in someone's home, it's just plain weird and rude.

To me, keeping the shoes on means you are strangers, you don't want to get to know the other person, and you're ready for a quick exit.

We're a 'no shoes', 'no smoking' house.
We live in so-cal.
We have a toddler who plays on the floor and I don't want him playing in lead dust, or feces.
It's hard enough to keep a home clean without the added worry of all the crap getting tracked in on shoes and then my son rolling around on it.
When we were younger we smoked inside and wore our shoes all over the place- but we weren't as concerned of our health or that of our carpets and it showed.
I really don't get the vehemence of the no shoes hating people...

I've lived in LA since 1984, and I only know two people who have a no shoes rule, and neither of them are of Japanese descent. My floors are very old, uneven and hardly pristine. You wanna go barefoot--don't blame me.

No smoking indoors, please and no sneaking treats to my dog, thanks. But I'm not all that doctrinaire on the first one, but my terrier needs no encouragement to beg.

I don't have a strict no-shoes policy, but most people tend to automatically take off their shoes and place them by the door. I tend to leave my shoes by the door, and people seem to take the hint. For small gatherings people continue this trend, but for large parties most people keep their footwear on since they'll travel in and out of the house throughout the party. My hardwood floors will be fine. I also provide a basket of fuzzy socks at the front door (don't worry, they're washed often) in case people's toes get cold. Plus, it's fun to slide. :)

I won't allow anyone to smoke inside, but no one's ever tried it and I doubt it'll ever come up.

The front and back door must remain closed because of the cat but if it might cause a problem (large party) the cat vacations somewhere else so it doesn't become an issue (it's her house too, but I'd rather not be stressed, and the kitty doesn't like loud noise).

I have a shoeless house--I find that my house stays so much cleaner that way. my friends and family know the drill and no one has ever had a problem. or, if they have, they haven't mentioned it to me.

at the same time, I tend to only have small gatherings with friends or family. I don't have a lot of big parties for colleagues or casual acquaintances. if I were to have a party like that, I would probably just vacuum and clean the floors really well afterwards. (not really an issue as my apartment is small.)

I give parties constantly - you can wear your shoes, you can smoke inside and outside (luckily i have a deck and french doors that open directly from the dining room. they're always open anyway) but you CANNOT BRING YOUR DOGS or YOUR CHILDREN! I was shocked when i first gave a party here in LA and people just showed up with their dogs. I already have dogs. I don't want any more...and unless i included children in the invite, it's an adult party.

If you're over 30, people should be free to be adults. That is, they should be able to take responsibility for themselves. I've never had a party where a guest was awful in any way and as I say, I have no rules at all -- parties are supposed to be full of mystery and excitement and potential, great food, great conversation, great arguments and flirtations, excellent wine, the right music and lighting, someone to drive you home or put you on the couch if you've overindulged, a host that knows how to introduce people to each other and include them in the party and happy hangovers the next day.

I smoke and drink and wear my shoes and introduce new people to each other on a monthly basis with lots of food and dishes all over the place in the morning, and cups left on the porch and guess what? No adverse effects. I clean up. I get thank you notes. I take a couple of aspirin if I need to -- in other words, I'm a grown up.

I don't think anyone's house should have more fun than the people in it.

Too bad so few of you on this discussion would enjoy yourselves at my house! I give the best parties!

Isn't not smoking inside the default? As in, it's an automatic given now, unless it's not, so it's not really a rule at all. It's the unwritten law.

Having guests makes me feel nervous, so I never have them. However, when I'm a guest at someone else's house, I always follow Jake's rules.

ugh, i never ask people to take off their shoes. ever. it's rude. i have pergo floors that are easy to mop and a kilim rug that's easy to clean. get over it, germaphobes!

my only rules are:
- smoke outside (unless i get drunk and decide i want to smoke inside)
- keep the bathroom door cracked when you shower to let the steam out
- if we start playing strip poker, you have to participate or leave

I believe 'shoes off' is pretty universal in most Asian cultures, not just Japanese. I am Korean and I was taught that it is disrespectful and just plain wrong to wear your shoes inside anyone's home. It's not a germaphobe thing, it's a cultural thing. Though the germaphobe thing makes sense too...

A handful of times when I've prepared to take my shoes off in others' homes I've been told not to. I've also noticed that a number of non-Asian households I've visited have a no-shoes policy also. When I enter someone else's home, I do whatever they do. If I'm not sure, I ask. It's their home, not yours! Remember that you are a guest!

It's not rude to ask someone to take off their shoes. It's rude to ignore the preference of your gracious host.

Forget shoes, we have two rules that are up on a chalkboard in our kitchen... this way I don't have to keep repeating myself and they are in black and white - so no argument!

#1. If you see a snake call an adult.

#2. NO climbing on the roof.

Everything else I will deal with as it arises and I rely on the guests being fairly house trained. Those that aren't don't get re invited.

Here is a picture of our house rules:

http://www.se7en.org.za/2008/09/27/saturday-spot-house-rules

Not wearing shoes is being both respectful & "green" -- sorry I don't want traces of pesticides, chemicals, toxins, dirt and other ickiness tracked all over my clean tranquil haven. Bad feng shui also! Come in, remove your shoes, and relax....

My room mates and I don't wear shoes in the house unless we're just running in to grab something. I prefer that guests take their shoes off, but I've never had to ask anyone. People generally see me take mine off and add them to the collection by the front door, and follow my example. If someone wanted to keep their shoes on at a party or whatever that would be fine though. It's definitely not worth offending someone over.
A good friend of mine wears shoes in his house all the time because of a medical condition, and his carpets are a patchwork of dirt stains. Even when he steam cleans, it's only a matter of weeks before his carpet looks dirty again. I think that's a pretty good argument against wearing shoes in the house on a regular basis, at least in a rainy climate. I also don't like the idea of the pollutants from my shoes being tracked around my house and then getting on my skin.

not a "no shoes' fan... i've actually left places that ask/expect you to do this (especially open houses). when installing flooring in my home, i chose a material that *could* be walked on, thrown-up on (the cat, not us), and take the abuses that a floor should be able to take (and also be easy to clean)... having floors that cannot stand up to reasonable traffic (which, to me, includes hard-soled shoes) is like having a pickup truck that you're scared to go to ikea in for fear of scratching the bed with an expedit box. to me, a floor is not a tabletop, not a counter and not a bed. why people insist on installing softwood floors and complain about damage is beyond me... but, hey, to each their own... none of my friends are smokers, heroin adicts, rock stars or trust fund kids, so the general "golden rule" holds up well...

Only rule: No smoking.

I lived in snow country for a long time and got used to no shoes indoors. I usually went barefoot most of the time. After I got older and started having painful heel cracks, I read up on all the home remedies, but the easiest cure was just to wear shoes. So now I do.

Our guests leave their shoes on or take them off as they please here in the high desert. I did leave a party one time wearing someone else's sneakers - hygiene is over-rated, lol.

We shut our cats up in a bedroom when we have guests over so they won't freak and run.

A no TV rule should be universal. I hate visiting someone when they leave the #$%$#% idiot box on the entire time.

shoes-off is bullshit. take them off yourself if you like, but nagging a guest to do so is rude. just skip entertaining if you are so inflexible.

My only real rule is no smoking. Shoes? Well, we had wall to wall carpeting, please take the shoes off, esp since I live where its pretty dirty outside 75% of the year. Now I have hardwood and as long as people wipe them, leave them on! Or as my friend Robyn always says "keep your shoes on, the floor's sticky!"

OH and my other rule, which is really for my husband, is NO TV ON! I so agree with you Poster!

pugluv, I'll go to your parties. i don't smoke, and don't enjoy smelling cigarette smoke, but for some reason my anal self generally loves smokers. i live with it, with my shoes on.

Growing up (in Buffalo) my mother insisted that we take our shoes off when we went to someone's house. But we always wore our boots and brought a second pair of shoes for inside. I still do this today with my son. I don't think I could possibly walk into another person's house with dirty/wet shoes on. Just seems like common courtesy to me.

I also want to party with pugluv. I want people to have fun at my house, whatever that means...but, no kids!

If there are big parties, guests are not required to take their shoes off. We always take our shoes off upon entering the house (Russian upbringing) and all our family does when they come over and visit. We have since bought a small stool, that also doubles as a regular coffee table in our living room, so that my father in law (big man) has an easier time taking his shoes off.

If we have a few guests come over and they ask, I always say yes, please take your shoes off. And if have a crawling toddler in the future, no one comes in with their shoes on. I'm on a hunt to find slippers that are gender neutral so that my guests are more comfortable.

And yeh, no smoking in the house.

I'm amused at how angry some people are about taking off their shoes when I have yet to ever encounter anyone exhibiting such a response when I've politely asked (and always ask as a kind request, not a demand). Most people are pretty observant and considerate and notice all the shoes in the entryway and remove their shoes on their own accord.

But maybe it's a generational thing...I've noticed people under the age of 35 seem to practice this sort of thing as second nature, maybe having experience with no-shoes households growing up. It also helps our apartment has a reputation for being very clean, floors and all, so our friends seem to be wonderfully considerate. And despite that request, we have more fun altogether than should be permitted, socks and all!

I've grown up taking my shoes off heading into people's homes, so I always ensure that I don't have unappealing feet situations (ungroomed toes, holey socks, stank feet, etc). My general rule of thumb though is to follow what the other guests are doing. If you are hosting a shoe-less party, ensure your closer friends are there first which will create the setting.

I don't have any specific party-rules per se, since my circle of friends generally acts the same way I do.
But here are things that would catch my eye:
1) Semi-unknown friends of friends heading to unpopulated places of the house.
2) Shoes on furniture.
3) Trying to use the master bathroom without permission.
4) A person taking a cell phone call in the middle of an area where folks are trying to have a conversation.

The biggest party foul (non-college) I can think of is when people bring a 1 to a party when there was no 1 being offered. This leads to my last party rule - only invite guests you are comfortable having over. As a guest, ensure you do the same for the host. I think the respect rule goes both ways. The host should try to make the guests as comfortable as possible, and the guests should try not to overburden the host as much as possible.

btw - the last part of the post should have read:

The biggest party foul (non-college) I can think of is when people bring a (plus 1) to a party when there was no (plus 1) being offered. This leads to my last party rule - only invite guests you are comfortable having over. As a guest, ensure you do the same for the host. I think the respect rule goes both ways. The host should try to make the guests as comfortable as possible, and the guests should try not to overburden the host as much as possible.

I think it's rude to keep shoes on inside the home (it certainly is in my family and in the cultures I grew up with) and I am truly astonished by how many people here are bugged by it. My guests always just see the shoes stored in the entryway and pop theirs off, although I do say to please not bother if someone is coming in only for a moment or is wearing shoes that are very hard to remove. Shoes are filthy; my home is very clean and pleasant underfoot and I make an effort to keep it that way. I think it also helps people relax immediately at a party. Of course, if it really bothers people I would not insist, but frankly the guest-host thing goes both ways-- as a host you bend over backwards to make the guest feel comfortable, and as a guest you bend over backwards not to impose on the host.

I think we have the same rules as Gregory... no shoes, no letting the cats out, and NO SMOKING. If you smoked in our home you would be lucky if we ever spoke to you again, let alone invited you over.

Usually it would be no smoking in San Francisco and no shoes on my bed (I lived in a studio) but in France to ask someone not to smoke in your house is like appalling rude since EVERYONE SMOKES so I try to place an ashtray near an open window and light a lot of scented candles.

Also, no shoes, seriously? I'm thinking all these no shoe wearing people must be surbanites because seriously, I don't any city girl under 35 whose going to slip off her high heels to hang out in someone's apartment. That's a really important part of your outfit! Since when are shoes just utilitarian items to walk from one indoor space to another? These must be the same people who wear polar fleece. If you walk into a house and someone asks you to take off your shoes I'd laugh and walk right back out, because if that isn't a sign of a totally lame, uptight gathering i don't know what is.

I don't have a no-shoes rule, but everyone takes their shoes off anyway when they come in. It's de rigeur in Montreal. Wearing shoes indoors is like eating spaghetti with your fingers. It simply isn't done.

However, all my friend are in their 20's and rent, so maybe if I had some friends with some expensive flooring that they had paid for i'd be more apt to remove my shoes.

I'm more than happy to take off my shoes when I'm a guest. After all I wear slippers in my own home (but don't ask guests to remove their shoes). But there are those moments when I'm barefoot in sandals and my heart sinks when I realize I have to stand barefoot on their floor all night. Invariably, my feet are freezing! It's the most uncomfortable thing. A few house slippers for guests would make all the difference. As the host, please take pity on my naked feet and offer me something!

I'm Canadian, AND I live in the North where if it isn't snow, it's mud. It's pretty much a given here that you take your shoes off in a person's house, as a guest. The host doesn't have to ask. You just do it. In fact, when someone instructs me NOT to take my shoes off, I get incredibly uncomfortable, because leaving your shoes on is, if not a sign of disrespect, is definitely inconsiderate. My in-laws all laughed at me when I was in Ireland because I would quietly take my shoes off and tuck them in various corners whenever I came into the house, because I just couldn't let myself wear my grody sneakers in my mother-in-law's immaculate house.

That said, when they came to visit us in Canada, I didn't put up a fuss about them not taking their shoes off in our house because a) they were here when it was relatively dry, and b) I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.

my barely post-college but super nesty perspective:
mostly no rules, just subtle suggestions, ie. leaving out coaster on nice surfaces if i want people to use the or setting up bar and food areas if it's not a dinner party so people don't go through my cupboards looking for stuff.
dogs and even children are fine if u ask first. generally almost anything is fine if u ask first and i'm prepared.
One rule i CANT believe i have to have - no ripping/cutting live plants (except ripe figs on the tree). If u want a cutting ask for it, but please don't just tear off an orchid flower. It's a living being that it took hard work and care to nurture.

Smoking: as a recovering smoker i tend to allow it, but now that I have a back yard, i prefer it happen there. In bad weather i think i will continue to allow smoking by a window, and put ashtrays there.

Shoes: does NO ONE remember that sex and the city episode? Casual gatherings tend to turn be shoeless (in fact sometimes they tend to be clothing-less, but that's just my years-long-conversion of close friends into "naked ppl") IF a party is nice enough for me to get dressed up, then i'm wearing shoes and everyone else is allowed as well. Half my friends are in the fashion world and would not be ok with removing their shoes in that situation. As a barely adult height person i sympathize. My floors are hardwood but i think the stiletto dots add a nice patina. However, if everyone is coming in in snow-covered hiking boots or something they tend to take them off anyways. PLEASE don't remove your shoes if your feet are smellerific.

Also, I doubt I'd ever SAY this, but it's bad manners to bring extras to a formal dinner party, or to show up super-late for one. I don't know why people my age think that's ok. If i'm cooking for 15 people, I want them sitting around the table an hour after the start of the party. That shouldn't be hard.

No smoking inside the apartment under any circumstances. (We don't smoke, so why should our home smell like it?) I've never had to actually tell anyone that though, since they know we don't smoke & head outside on their own.

As for shoes, we live in Holland where it rains (and rains and rains and rains!). I walk my dog in a pair of converse that I take off and put on right near the front door (and store in the coat closet) because they usually get pretty wet and muddy from playing outside.

I'd never REQUIRE anyone to take their shoes off, as I know I don't always want mine off when I'm not at home (sometimes bare feet are just tooooo casual!) & when I'm out, I'm usually wearing shoes I like & have picked out for my outfit, so if I had to take them off, they'd hardly ever get any wear! People here seem to take their shoes off if it's wet/muddy out without my asking and keep them on if they've wiped on the mat and it's dry and not going to make a mess. I mop the floors at least once a week and sweep daily, so cleanliness isn't an issue...

Otherwise, I'd prefer people stay out of our bedroom, but don't mind them anywhere else. And I'd rather be the one getting the food & drink out.

We have two big dogs who delight in running, digging, and rolling around in the mud before running inside the house, so I never require guest to take off their shoes if they don't want to. However, my husband and I do spend a fair amount of time wiping down dog feet and mopping our floors so that *we* can walk around in house slippers or bare feet in the house - and guests are welcome to do so as well. Most of our friends just take off their shoes automatically, partially for cultural reasons (lots of European & Asian guests), and partially 'cause they see a big stack of our shoes by the front door. When we host big parties shoes typically stay on, since the party almost always flows onto the patio.

I'd say the only big taboos at our house are don't smoke in the house (which I've never had to actually tell anyone) and don't give the dogs any of your food. To facilitate the second one, guests are shown where the dog treats are, and encouraged to request the dog to sit, speak, shake hands, or balance the treat on its head before being getting the it. The fur balls love the attention, and their obedience training gets reinforced, rather than their begging skills.

This shoes vs. no-shoes discussion was amazing! So many vehement opinions. It seems to me, though, that the divide is more about what type of home / lifestyle folks have, and what kind of entertaining they do there.

No-shoes rules seem to fit comfortably for folks with home-and-family oriented places who have gatherings of close friends, neighbors, family, etc. Their guests would likely have no trouble understanding or following such a rule.

On the other hand, people who host lots of dressed-up, formal events would never dream of asking the guests to remove their shoes (and would never have floors that could be damaged by shoes).

It seems like problems arise when a type of party doesn't match the home where it's held, or the guests it's planned for. I think hosts have the responsibility to be flexible and to make their rules match the parties they're hosting. If your rules don't match the event, perhaps your own home may not be the best location for the party in question.

I've never been a shoes off person. My carpets aren't really that nice to begin with, so I never insist others take off their shoes. I myself usually leave them on unless there is snow outside or I was doing something that might make my shoes muddy or nasty. If I did want people to take off their shoes, I would probably provide some slippers/socks for them.

I also don't really have a no smoking rule that I enforce... mostly because I've never had to. Most of my friends don't smoke, and those that do always go outside if they want to smoke without me asking them to, so it's never been an issue for me.

Other than that, don't break my stuff... cause I like my stuff, and don't rummage through all of the files on my laptop to see what I have (yes, it's happened... my one friend did not believer me when I said there was no porn on my laptop... and no, there actually wasn't). Otherwise, everyone is pretty free to make themselves at home.

i'm canadian; we always take our shoes off in other people's homes, probably because of the months of snow or rain, depending on the province. who wants to wear snow boots or rain boots indoors? so this has been quite eye-opening!

oh, and while people's pets are welcome in our home, they're not allowed in our bedroom. one friend's dog got into our bedroom and ate HALF of my month's supply of birth control pills. seriously. my friend had to call a 24-hour vet helpline to see if her dog, maggie, would be okay. the response was that she'd be fine, and likely would not be getting pregnant. so, no pets in bedroom anymore

"It's clear that you 'all shoes, all the time' people live in places with relatively nice weather. If you came into my house with wet, muddy, or snowy footwear and did not take off your shoes, you would not be invited back."

I grew up in Boston, and never in my life did someone expect me to take off my shoes, no matter what the weather. That's what the boot scraper or the rug by the front door is for.

It's only since I've been in California that people seem to think I want to walk barefoot on their rugs (and I could gag right now thinking about walking on someone else's bathroom floor) and their floors.

I don't. I won't. If I have to take my shoes off, I'm leaving.

No TV in the livingroom, which is my only entertaining space.
I will provide a TV for children in another part of the house, and one for football, but you're not plopping your ass on my couch to watch the Idiot Box while my guests try to talk with each other.
Also, I have a dog which means that my floors are filthy, I must insist that you wear your shoes in my house.

I have to object to those who say "oh you must be aging suburbanites who wear fleece." I am 100% young & urban from LA, relocated to SF, and my adored stilettos would *trash* our beautiful, newly finished floors. To me it's funny that people think "take your shoes off" is uptight-- I feel the opposite, who could be so vain about an outfit as to ruin someone's floors or dirty their home? Not one of my very fashionable female friends would balk at popping her killer heels off... in fact most take them off as quickly as possible to show off that pedicure and get comfortable with a glass of wine. This is not a way of life only for traditional Asian families, Canadians, and suburbanites!

I think "no shoes" rules are very cultural. When I lived in Eastern Europe, we vacuumed and mopped every day, the floors were immaculate, and it was assumed that EVERYONE would take off their shoes when entering someone's home and either put on slippers provided by the host, put on slippers the guest had brought with him, or walk around in socks/barefoot. The only time I ever wore my shoes indoors was if I knew the person VERY well, was only going to be there for a minute, and was absolutely positively 120% sure it was OK. Wearing shoes indoors was a very INformal thing to do, as if you were treating that person's home as if it were your own or making light of the work they had done to clean it. In America it's the other way around: we consider it informal to take off our shoes or to ask someone to. It's all a matter of expectations, but those can be pretty deeply ingrained.

Being considerate is a two-sided coin. Being a good host means wanting your guests to be comfortable, but being a good guest means not being rude to your host. I never wear my shoes in the house and it sets my teeth on edge to watch someone come indoors from the rain and walk on hardwood floors and expensive carpet in muddy shoes, but most of the time I bite my tongue rather than make a friend feel uncomfortable or like he's been rude. When I go to someone's home, I look to see what the homeowner is doing, and if I'm not sure, I ask what they would prefer I do.