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My ex-BF was in a similar situation when we started dating.

My Advice: Move.

I think this maybe a bigger problem and you are going to need a professional. I don't see that getting council on AP is going to help you. I would contact a local woman's abuse center or hotline to see if they can give you any advise. if the girlfriend of the piece a crap keeps taking it I don't see any changes in your situation. ... maybe get a petition going in your building.

We had next-door neighbors like that. Apparently there was some sort of rule at the management company that after the police came 3 times, they could be evicted. If your building doesn't have a rule like that, maybe you could suggest one?

getting them evicted won't help the woman in the abusive relationship. In fact, it will cause more stress for them both and very well may cause him to lash out even more. As LoriSF said, call your local woman's abuse center and ask for their help. They can likely send out a social worker to look into the situation. It sounds like you are worried about more than just the noise situation here, which is good, because really that's the least of the issues.

Call Department of Children and Family Services. They will come check things out and file a report. They will also be able to give the woman free services if she needs to move to a battered women's shelter. If he won't stop after you keep making phone calls maybe he will at least move!

move, you can't mess into other 's probs, move.

i work in the domestic violence field and have to echo the suggestion that others have made: call a local domestic violence hotline.

there are many many reasons why she won't leave or report her abuser just yet. if she's evicted or even hassled by landlord, her situation can escalate quickly.

you may want to talk to the hotline volunteer about how to approach her about domestic violence services. a lot of women think of domestic violence agencies as just the shelter, or just for "other people." some times, it's just about letting someone know her options, letting her sit with it for a while, and then make up her own mind about what she wants to do.

and also keep in mind that the average woman leaves her abuser 7 times before the relationship & abuse actually ends. it's a long, vicious, repeating cycle. kudos to you for caring enough not to ignore it!

I agree with charmac and LoriSF -- contact an abused women's center to see if they can intervene or offer advice. At the very least, should eviction be the only recourse, you'll know you've done your best to help the abused party while trying to regain some peace in your own home life. Good luck. :(

also, i have to say -- getting any sort of social service agency involved really limits the ability of the woman to be a self-advocate.

leaving your abuser is an incredibly difficult experience. it's not as simple as, "he hits me, that's bad, i should leave." please please please call a local shelter or the national domestic violence hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Unfortunately I've dealt with a similar situation; and continue to deal with it. My across the hall neighbors are a single mother with 2 young kids; the father of whom was drunk and violent one night months ago and was taken away by the cops at 3 am but only after pepper spray was unleashed in our communal stairwell and crept under our door. I don't intend on staying here for the long term. Even if this man is out of the house more often now, the kids are still loud and the mother equally so; and i overhear far more than i want to. I don't plan to make this my permanant home, sorry if you love your apartment; the cycle of abuse never lets up and unpleasantness will continue to happen.

As someone who has experienced an abusive relationship, i have to strongly disagree with the person who says you can't involve yourself in other peoples' problems, and you should just move. Think about it- if you hear someone abusing a person, and you just let it slide, you are basically saying that you are ok with the abuse that is going on.

Battered women are often brainwashed to the point that they believe they deserve what is happening to them, or that if they leave the abuser, he will kill her or harm her family. If not for neighbors and friends who witness and report abuse, battered women can suffer serious injuries or even be killed.

Please please please call a local domestic violence agency or battered women's shelter to find out what can be done in your area.

I wrote a long reply that didn't take, so I'll just do this one short, but in a nutshell ... always call, regardless of if it's for your benefit or not (although keep your own safety in mind too). Anything that will stop an attack for even a few minutes is important, even if she pretends nothing is wrong when the cops come. I've been on both sides of it ... my sister was in a very long marriage that was violent and her neighbors never once called, but on the other end of it, I was once saved by a neighbor (in a building I'd never been to before) calling to stop something dangerous I'd walked into.

Oh, and my old neighbor a few years ago did get evicted for having the cops come to his house too many times. I don't know how the landlord did it, but the cops came 2 or 3 times to break up violent fights, then the landlord got them out.

Oh, and something maybe not everyone knows, but you can always file a police report anonymously. Yes they technically know where the call is coming from, but if you ask to be anonymous they can't put it in any records or tell the responding officers who called. So if you're worried about the violent person hurting you, unless it's obvious that it only COULD be you, it's not that bad to call the police.

You've gotten great advice from those who know-call a domestic violence center for steps to follow. As for me, I'd like to say continue to care....it is so, so rare a thing to find in this "not my problem" world.

If possible, start looking for a new place. I would also be very careful about how much you choose to get involved. It is important to be an advocate for those who, for whatever reason, cannot be one for themselves. But first and foremost you need to think about your own safety and the safety of the people you live with.

The only reason I bring this is up is because I once called the authorities when my neighbor was getting beat up by her boyfriend. The woman refused to press charges or to even admit that anything happened and as soon as the police left her boyfriend came pounding on my door and threatening me. I was a single girl by myself at the time. Needless to say, I moved soon thereafter.

Just be careful.

teamnap is totally right ... always be sure of your safety in that situation (sorry so many replies from me here ... this is a topic very close to my heart), but if it just comes down to annoyance (and I'm not judging the OP, because I've been in that spot too) please keep one thing in mind:

however much of an uncomfortable situation it is for you in your apartment, it's 10,000 times worse in theirs. It's of course very important to be comfortable in your own home which is your long-term goal (including sourcing legal options) but in the heat of the moment please think of the person being hurt on the other side of the door first. Like hurleya said, battered women are not in the right frame of mind about the situation and most times are too afraid (or brainwashed) to help themselves. Somebody has to look out for them.

okay, off my soapbox now! ;-)

sad to say... but there's not much you can do. My dad was a cop for 25 years and he said that domestic disputes are the touchiest and toughest for cops to even respond to. That said... you can keep an ear out for when drastic things happen and call police to respond. At least the abusive male will know that people around them will try to help.

I did once have the same thing occur when I lived downtown nyc - and I yelled things to the male bully in the relationship (from the safety of my window) trying to threaten him and it did nothing but escalate the situation. Then finally they (or just HE) moved out and the noise stopped. I hope that the same happens for you.

Oh please, oh please do not go over there yourself or say anything to the woman about getting counseling. They always have rage toward the messenger and you live right there. I know "assorted" said to ask the abuse hotline person how you could approach the woman about getting counseling but TRUST ME it is a bad idea. I think you are doing all the right things by calling the police etc. but don't put yourself or your girlfriend in danger.

I had this experience in my childhood with the neighbors who lived behind our house, EVERYBODY in the neighborhood tried to do something about it, cops, priests, men, women, everyone tried, but it took to that lady to realize she was abused the day his husband stuck a gun up on her face. Sadly, most people in an abusive relationship are like drug addicts, until they realize they need help, there's little you can do to change that. Either you get them evicted or you move out.

How could anyone suggest to ignore this and move. It's difficult to get involved. It's even more difficult to sit back waiting for a tragedy to happen.

Unless you have a relationship with your neighbours, there's not a whole heck of a lot you can do. I've thankfully never been in an abusive relationship, but I think that hearing my options from a stranger would cause me to go on the defensive.

The law isn't as tough as we want it to be, but it's what we have to go on. At the very least you're creating a paper trail when you call the police, and that sets up a history for when she does decide to leave or press charges.

why is there tension between you and your girlfriend? Do you fear for each others safety or is it exposing problems in your own relationship?

My main concern is this woman's safety. I'd continue to call the police. The law enforcement is trained in these types of domestic situations and even if she; the girlfriend/wife, does not want to press charges, they (the cops) can/will.
The special police unit knows how to deal w/these matters and there's really not much any one else can do but call when you hear this type of disturbance. She can obviously not protect herself against this man - they know this, which is why they will step in and charge him themselves without her consent. I'm not sure if that's changed but I'm sure they ultimately have to step in after a certain amount of calls.
As a neighbor I'd just keep an eye out for her. You don't need to speak to her about this, as I'm sure she knows her neighbors know the situation. I do the same with the seniors in my building. They don't know but many of the tenants keep an eye on them. Really that's about all you can do.

I think you are doing the right thing. Calling the police, being anonymous, and having a healthy fear/concern for the woman involved and you/your girlfriends safety. It is definitely a tough situation to be in and hard to know when your involvement is too much or not enough. You are doing everything you can within reason/law. OKgoodanswer: situations like this could cause a lot of tension in a relationship, whether it be a stable one or a healthy but rocky relationship. This neighbor situation could cause fights about how much/little to get involved, fights on whether to move/not move, fights on whether the reaction to the neighbors fighting is done safely, fights about compassion/too much compassion, and a million and one other emotional responses to something like that. I hope I answered your question without, David, the original poster feeling compelled to divulge his personal relationship with his girlfriend and get off the subject of this post.
Ephcee- you are right. Most people being abused would just go on the defensive. But you also never know where the woman is in her "cycle of abuse", as Assorted pointed out, so calling a woman's shelter to have a professional see if she is willing to leave would be a good idea.

It's true that many women will go on the defensive, but that's not a reason to not try to help if you have a desire to do so. Calling the police is step one and all you really have to do, but if you do ever feel interested in also approaching her for support, I'm with the others who suggest calling a help line for tips, but you shouldn't avoid it only because you think it won't do anything. The reason many women are so brainwashed in this situation is because an abuser's #1 weapon is isolation. He has most likely convinced her that no one cares and that she has no place to turn to. Maybe just gently saying "hey ... if you ever need to talk" (not openly confronting her about her boyfriend) when you see her in the laundry room is all you can/want to do, but you'll never know how much that might mean to her.

But as always, be safe. The girl who yelled out the window at the bully is much braver than I am!

@ teamnap:

After he came threatening you, call the cops again and file assault charges.

His girlfriend wouldn't press charges but you sure as heck should have.

Lots of different opinions on here . . . Definitely call an abuse hotline, because they're always going to have the best advice on the next step. Beyond that, I kind of agree with Ridge_Van_Winkle. Maybe approach her one day, and without directly addressing what's been going on, just mention something like, "I can sense you guys have been kind of stressed out lately when I see you. If you ever need to come over and vent, or just take a breather and get some space, feel free to come by." It lets her know that you are an OPTION, someone that she CAN turn to when things get rough. That alone may be the first step she needs to realize she needs to get out and can get out of the relationship.

Yes, that could have some dangerous repercussions, but worst case scenario, if her boyfriend starts to come after YOU then YOU have the ability to create a restraining order or just get HIM evicted.

HappyLAgirl, I hope you never discover that someone in your family or friends has been abused without anyone who knew about it coming to their aid. Having watched my aunt suffer through this cycle for 10 years I agree with much of the above. I used to stay over on the weekend, because I knew my uncle would make himself scarce, and restrain his actions toward my aunt and cousins. I'm in no doubt they suffered the rest of the time. But he would never provide the rest of my family with proof of what was going on.

I agree with all the posts above. Contact a helpline, know the local options. You or your girlfriend could discreetly let the lady know you are always available for a chat, or to help her get access to services. Make her aware that there are people in the building who can call in the police if they hear terrible things happening.

Perhaps If you were feeling particularly ballsy, you could leave flyers for the local shelter or posters about benefits events or volunteering at the shelter in public areas of the building. A not-so subtle reminder to the abuser that his actions are not supported by the community.

And also kudos to you for taking action.

I have had a similar situation across the street from me. along with calling the police, I mailed them an anonymous letter and knock on wood - - the mayhem has stopped.

get the name of a local case worker- get a handful of her cards and put them on/under thier door anytime there is the slightest escalation. SHE will get the point that someone is looking out for her, HE will know that the walls have ears, AND YOU will have given her a tool to get some help with out intervening personally and making yourself a target.

good luck.

You've got to keep calling the police. That is the best way to stop the abusers behavior in the moment. Also, look up a local domestic violence organization and get information. Document in writing with the police what you see or hear (this can be done on the downlow). Sad to say that the cops don't do the right thing in these situations, but here in LA they are mandated to make an arrest even if the victim doesn't press charges.

I'm one of those types who says, stay involved! Abused women need someone to advocate for them, even if they refuse help initially. DON'T LET IT GO!

This is your duty as a neighbor and as a good person.

Also, I've found that abusers are sometimes violent towards others but oftentimes only to those who allow it -- I'm like the girl who yelled out the window. When I lived in NYC, I had no fear confronting bullies -- partly because i was obviously young and stupid but also because it sends men like that a message: NOT ALL WOMEN will put up with their bullshit and not all women are victims. It might seem slight, but it makes a difference.

Call the cops, over and over again. Call the domestic abuse hotline - be brave, don't move out, and let us know what happens!

Good luck!

I asked a family court judge this question and this was her reponse:

"the only thing I can think of is that the landlord can do a notice to eviction either 3 or 30 day depending on the lease for a nuisance...most leases have such a clause and if enough neighbors complain and the police are called enough, there you go. Problem is that that puts out the victim as well. I think there is new legislation in calif (or it is being talked about) that prevents an eviction for a period of time against a victim of domestic violence if they seek assistance of the court with a protective order against the perpetrator. The problem is in this case is that she keeps letting him back, a symptom of a battered person. Other than that I think that the neighbors should not get involved especially if the guy is violent...it could turn back on them."

In Washington State we have a nuisance neighbor ordinance. If you can prove your neighbors are not allowing you to enjoy your property, you can sue them in civil court for $4,000 per person (so, 8k for you and your GF).

I my neighborhood, we have used this as a bargaining technique against a deadbeat landlord and his deadbeat tenants out. We've never actually sued anyone, but it's a way to convince someone to stop a certain behavior.

While this woman may need some support, my guess is that a male neighbor isn't the place she should get it. Your getting involved could be very dangerous--think Ron Goldman.....

Be warm to the woman when you see her, but recognize that it's very likely dangerous for her to speak to other men.

Let the police do the interventions here. Continue to call when you fear a crime is being committed.

And don't feel too badly about contacting the landlord. An eviction could be a wake-up call.