apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

Buy nicer underwear.

Ignore the nosy neighbors. Avoid them. Enjoy your life and don't let them spoil things for you.

do something naughty in full view, and stop in the middle and wave at her. that should stop her.

On the plus side, if anyone ever breaks into your place or scopes it out for robbery, she'll notice.

Invite her over. Mention that you have seen her at the kitchen window. Be friendly and direct, and she will either follow suit or at least stop spying on you so openly.

I understand your frustration. I'm in the same boat. We live next to a retired, elderly couple and a very self important woman who we have been struggling with since we moved in. I enjoy trying to grow plants in the backyard, but I feel every time I go out back to putter around, either annoying neighbor is right there, either to offer their opinion as to what I'm doing, or just stare. Some of their comments have been downright rude and judgemental, I guess in an attempt to give me gardening advise, life coaching, etc.

We rent, so a privacy fence is not an option. We did, however, attach sheets of bambo to the rails of the deck for some privacy. It looks shiteous, but it does the trick. We are fans of the window film as well. I am a friendly, warm person, but I have succumbed to being standoffish. That may be the best barrier, I have found.

I have extensive experience with nosy neighbors and have found that being blunt and direct can not only be amusing, but pretty effective.

When they stare into my windows, I stare back until they, basically, run away. And they do. Try it.

When they stare in a more up-close manner, I accuse them of checking out my tits and ask them if they're some kind of sex offender. This also makes them run away.

The blinds that open from the top down are also a great way to let light into your place while maintaining privacy.

I went through a similar problem when my (now) husband and I moved to our house. Our "Mrs. Nextdoor" would openly criticize the across-the-street neighbors for their inter-racial relationship, and asked if my (then) fiance was Jewish, and if we were married. She was also watching over our fence, and monitoring who came ad went from our house. Annoying, creepy and offensive.

I have to agree with Raven, though, that simple kindness can really help, especially when dealing with a lonely, elderly neighbor. We invited her over for coffee, and now we just get a nice, accepting 'hello' when we see her out on the street.

well, the first thing i have to say is that we should all admit to a certain degree of voyeurism, considering how much we enjoy looking into other people's homes via apt therapy!

but, more to the point, i recommend standoffishness with your neighbors. it's the least confrontational, anyway. good luck!

I say let 'em be nosy. Accept the fact that you can't change her behavior and move on. If you see her peeking over the fence, say hi. Maybe invite her over sometime. She's probably just lonely and keeping track of what her neighbors are up to gives her something to do.

I wish I had the problem of a simply rude onlooker. Unfortunately, I have the problem of a work-at-home transsexual MtoF woman upstairs who has developed a crush on me. She knocks on my door 2-3 times a day, when I am home. She runs out to the yard the minute I go out to take my trash out, and asks if I need help. I keep declining her invitations to have dinner or drinks. I can't seem to bring myself to be rude and direct with her, but it's been a source of stress, since she seems to be marking my every mood, and then coming to knock and make comments about it. I think she's a full-on hyper-vigilant obsessive compulsive. I value my privacy!!

Anyone have advice for what phrasing to use in such a case, to put a stop to the knocking and coming out when I am trying to enjoy a peaceful moment by the trash cans? Obviously, I can't conjure a mean-spirited phrase and it's a problem!

she might be nosy but she is probably also bored or lonely. i'm with inviting her over, or waving, or smiling. best to kill them with kindness.

other than that, stop letting it bother you. she's in her house or yard; not in yours. why does "watching" morph to "judging" or even "uninvited concern" here. you just my be more interesting than the tv, the radio, or anything else in her life.

ami_l

option A - try to tell her politely
"I'm sorry but you just aren't attractive to me."

option B - try to tell her less politely
"I'm sorry you just aren't attractive."

option C - try to scare her away
"I'm sorry mate I can't have dinner with you as I have to shave my eight cats tonight."

option C - if all else fails
"Look you are scaring me, F the F off you screw ball! I swear to God next time you ask to help me take out the trash I WILL PEPPER SPRAY YOU!"

personally I think option C would be the most entertaining =D

I'm finding the comments way more entertaining that the original post.

The comments on this post make me love the apt therapy community all the more. Must go forward this to everyone I know now...

jessicamt77 ...thanks for the awesome new word!

I don't know if you can call someone "nosy" for glancing at you through facing windows. Movement triggers an almost automatic response in humans. We look when we see movement. It's likely a survival mechanism which is in our genetic make-up. When it comes to the facing windows, you can have light or you can have privacy, but you can't have both unless you're willing to move away from everyone else. Also, you are obviously looking at her occasionally through that window if you know she's looking at you, so you can't blame your neighbor for that.

As for looking over the fence, it probably isn't about judging so much as curiosity. If you get to know your neighbor, the curiosity will decrease and this looking will likely stop as well.

The bottom line is that you can't control anyone else's behavior. As long as they operate from the privacy of their own property, they can look at whatever they want. You can choose to control what is visible, but you can't have open windows, curtains, and shades and have privacy.

You think your neighbors are nosy?
Don't move to New York, everybody is nosy!

As far as stalker-lady is concerned, be direct. Some people just don't get when you are not into them and you have to tell them upfront. I know it's not a pleasant thing to do, but unless you want to take out your trash in the dark of the night to avoid your neighbor it will have to be done.

As far as the nosy one goes I would also be direct. The inviting to coffee might work, but I personally wouldn't want to invite my spying neighbor.

Talking of annoying neighbors: Our neighbor upstairs plays the piano, almost daily and very very badly. Repeats the same tunes over and over and seems to be getting worse, not better with time. But unfortunately I can't forbid him to play.

I was thinking that you should start hitting up the Halloween costume stores now.

You know, pick your nose in front of the window with a Freddy glove:
http://www.frightcatalog.com/Halloween-Costumes/Costume-Accessories/Deluxe Edition Freddy Glove-1305015/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=pf&utm_campaign=ci&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=1305015

Dance around in the backyard with a "magic stick" in this outfit, saying "And you must grow, and you must grow, and you must grow..." as you whack the crap out of your bushes:
http://www.buycostumes.com/Foliage-Fairy-Green--Adult-Costume/12429/ProductDetail.aspx

Free: Head to Burger King, get one of those cardboard crowns, and INSIST on being called "Your Royal Highness".

Get a Whoopie cushion, squeeze it off often near the kitchen window, followed by a loudly vocalized "Oh, I don't feel so good".

Put up a skull valance in your kitchen window and take to wearing an eye patch:
http://www.vickiesvalances.com/Store/tabid/36/List/1/ProductID/349/Default.aspx

Get a cardboard Elvis, cut a hole where the mouth is, start making out with the cardboard Elvis, and swing it around showing the plain back side with your tongue wiggling through the mouth hole:
http://www.hollywoodstandups.com/product_info.php?products_id=847

And if that doesn't fix the problem, on the seventh day, you replace all your kitchen lights with black lights and do your face like this:
http://www.theglowcompany.co.uk/acatalog/UV-FACE-BODY-PAINT.html

I had EXACTLY the same problem with a transexual MtoF - unfortunately she was part of the group of friends I used to hang out with - whenever we were at the same parties she would take photographs of me all the time until one particular boyfriend I had (who was the ultimate in jealousy anyway) basically bawled her out - she backed off after that - it didn't help that I had the same name as her cat!

As for the nosy neighbour - make it obvious that you can see them every time you catch them looking - wave at them - these kind of people usually don't like you to know they'er watching you so make sure she KNOWS you can see what she is doing

If you decide to be friendly you could tell her straight out that it creeps you out - make up a story about having had problems in the past with a peeping tom that really upset you - that way you are not saying she IS a peeping tom but you're clearly implying her behavious makes you feel the same way as a peeping tom would/did - if she is genuine and just bored then she'll back off so as not to cause you any more upset - if she continues you can then be as nasty to her as you like as shes obviously a horrible person

Another cheap solution to the window problem is to mount conventional shades upside down in the window. Mount the roller shade at the bottom of the window frame. Tie kite string to the shade pull then string it to the top and around the window through screw eyes to a cleat where the string can be tied off to set the shade height. This solution allows plenty of light through the window in the top, while insuring privacy on the bottom.

Also keep in mind that during the day light often hits windows at an angle that largely prevents peeping by creating a reflection. You can simply test this by attempting to look through your windows at different times of the day. If you're seeing your own reflection, thats all your neighbor is seeing as well. If this doesn't work, try out the window film.

ami-l, i recommend you take a class with Model Mugging/Prepare Inc. They do great exercises on how to handle verbal confrontations. They would have you role play this scenario with a padded instructor and, believe me, you will feel like you are right there talking to this neighbor.

it did wonders for me. also, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

I say kill her with kindness and let her know you see her. Always respond when you see her, especially if she is trying to be be seen. And make comments about how you've noticed the behavior 'again'. "Oh, I see you're admiring my garden again just like you do every Tuesday morning..."

I was thinking about this when trying to go to sleep...

Are all the people that have nosy neighbors relatively new to the area/neighborhood/home?

My folks, before they died, lived at the same house since the mid-seventies. They had the same neighbors for, gee, maybe 20 years? Or longer? Like one of the neighbors I think moved in without kids and they had three children who are now all moved out and off to college.

So for at least 20 years, there had been friendly banter over the fence. The sharing of the great zucchini harvest when the neighbor would plant vegetables. And mum had made plum jelly from the fruit tree, that went back to them.

The neighbor husband was always eager to use his chainsaw, and whenever anything needed to be done, he'd race over to be a lumberjack.

After dad died and mum wasn't doing as much as she had previously been able to do, and the neighbor's kids were gone, the neighbor husband would sometimes go out to sweep his sidewalk, and then continue down to do mum's sidewalk too.

Twenty years of habits don't disappear. I've been in this apartment 15 years, and mum has been dead for about a year and a half...and I still think about calling her over something I saw locally, something I want to share with her. Or expecting a phone call or email to know she's coming out.

And then recently I had a friend who ditched me. Someone I would speak with online via mail many times a day, just about everyday. So I keep checking the mail to see if anything is there. But there isn't.

It's an all-of-a-sudden realization, every time I go to look at mail or call my mum that there isn't anyone there anymore. And I have all this time...with no one to talk to, to share anything with.

So maybe these people are yearning for what they used to have. Maybe that looking in the kitchen window was a signal to meet for coffee or out in the yard and chat or to wave and call each other on the phone.

The person gets that all-of-a-sudden feeling and then just sorts of drifts off, thinking, not really staring in the window, not really looking at anything.

The person who races around knocking on the doors or coming out to greet someone at the trash bins, that might have been part of an old habit too. A good friend or neighbor who always invited that person in, to gab and enjoy the day.

Working at home can be hard, if she's alone, as her "breaks" don't really allow her to escape work and relax. Home is work. So that she might be looking for a "break mate". Lots of people in the workforce have "break mates", people they always go to lunch with. Maybe the former neighbor was the break mate.

And maybe these people are as socially inept as I am. Something always goes wrong. And the more I try to "fix" whatever I think might have gone wrong, the worse it gets, because it wasn't what I thought at all.

Guess what? Nobody reads minds. The people that are "nosy" are obviously expecting SOMETHING. Something that is supposed to happen, but you folks have NO CLUE as to what it is. Neither do I.

And it COULD be completely innocent, as mentioned by Orchid64. The movement. The neighbor could also be a clean freak who putters all day between the kitchen sink washing things and doing chores. Or a baking kind of person who spends a lot of time in there. And then there's the thing about eating...lots of people eat around the same times, and clean up afterwards...around the same times.

So think about the reason why YOU are in the kitchen and consider that could be the very same reason that your neighbor is there.

Just wave at her and say hello! I have an elderly neighbor who likes to sit out on her porch almost every day. For quite a while she would often turn her chair around and watch me gardening -- as though I were a TV show! It didn't bother me and in fact one day I waved and said hello. She went, "HMPH!" in a very offended way, turned her chair around, and now won't look at me at all! Pretty funny, if you ask me!!

Also, things could be much worse. At my last place, one male tenant, who'd moved in years after I did, took some sort of dislike to me. His windows overlooked the building's back yard, which I had turned into a garden. So one afternoon, I guess he got his girlfriend in on his "randomly hate on the neighbor" action. And I do mean action . . . they were going at it near the living room window complete with her moaning and screaming like a porn star. I guess they were trying to make me feel uncomfortable. It definitely worked. I really felt weird about maintaining the garden after that, which kind of broke my heart as I'd put a lot of work into it.

Moon her.

Or, like John H. suggested, mount shades or curtains halfway up the window - that way you get lots of light.
As far as the garden peeping, I'd just say hello when you catch her looking. She probably wants to know your business because she's bored - most elderly people are kind of nice and useful once you get past their odd behaviors.

Walk around naked and wave - inside and out. This also cures parents of dropping by to visit without calling first.

How sheer or opaque is your privacy screen? How tall is the fence? Does your neighbor have to go to great lengths to look over it, like using a ladder?

For privacy inside your house, I'd install sheers so you can get lots of light, but no one can look in during the day. At night, you can use opaque curtains. Double curtain rods will allow you to put up sheer and opaque layers of curtains. I have these myself: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=14417664

OP - I think you have some great suggestions here, both comical and practical. I have a neighbor who is in love with my cat. She calls to her (and of course my cat responds by meowing for ten minutes), and even knocked on the French windows/doors when I was home, to "summon" the cat. They then had a meow-fest, human to cat, for 5 minutes. It seemed an eternity; I was livid. I didn't know what to do and was in quite a tizz.

However, the friendliness thing seemed to work - I say hello every time I pass, force a smile, and she has stopped her invasive/annoying behavior (for now!). She is unemployed, she is lonely, she loves my cat. Not the worst crime.

I would vote on the side of compassion, especially where the elderly are concerned. They are lonely, their kids probably never call (if they had any), everyone is just too busy for them. They are the neglected in our busy busy lives.

I also agree with the poster who asked how long you had been there. Maybe she has lived there forever and is curious to see what the new people are doing with the place. Just show her! Say "you seem to have a green thumb", ask some dumb gardening question, but fully take her into your yard (since she's so damn curious about it!), and give her a tour of the house to boot! I really believe she will stop the surreptitious looks once she has had a proper eyeful. Being neighborly and compassionate are good things, no?

Good luck! I know it's thoroughly annoying but I think your kindness will have good results! :)

I like kristykreem's response and TrueBlue's first response the best. Have fun thinking of creating things to do in response to the nosy actions and you'll not only stop the nosiness (hopefully) but have fun in the process!

first, rent "Rear Window". We all do this to some extent and it is fun to see inside someone's house. But, when the "Old Nosey" neighbors go overboard and seem to want to be in your life, just tell them simply & quickly your feelings (not angry or too nice). Also, euro-americans seem to have lost that old world everybody in your life together we struggle way of looking at things, whereas old timers are more likely to have grown up that way (esp if they grew up in depression/war times).

The funny posts on here having me laughing aloud. You guys are hilarious.

Listen,

Just say you are a private person, but you welcome the fact that they are alert and looking out for you.

In NYC, having a nosy neighbor to me is a plus. They can tell the cops EXACTLY what happened...