apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

I'm about to move in with my partner, so this is a hot topic for us. We've determined that the best way to divide things when breaking up is to talk about them when acquired/consolidated. It may sound like a bummer during the very exciting moving in stage to constantly be discussing breaking up, but it's practical, something we both share.

I'm planning on sticking around her as long as she'll let me, but now is the best time to work out the particulars should it not work out that way.

When I broke up w/ my first ex, I took only the things that I brought into our home whether I owned them previously or purchased them on my own - until I had enough to fill my Volvo station wagon. Everything else I left behind and I didn't miss a thing - after all, who needs the karma of junk you bought together?

My second ex moved out of my place - It was super-easy to determine what belonged to whom: all the suburban Ethan Allen and Pfaltzgraf crap belonged to him (bleckh), and all the cool vintage and retro stuff belonged to me.

Reminds me of that scene in "When Harry met Sally"
Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.

my divorce liquidation was pretty simple too. she kept most of it! i moved to the east coast and all i kept were family heirlooms and some other stuff that i could not replace. much cheaper to just buy new (or stoop sale) items to reformat my life.

I actually had this conversation with my partner with whom I'd been living with for several years now. I bought most of our furniture and he's bought most of the electronics - an easy split. But then he went on to build our bed, our bookcase, our table BUT with a lot of design input from me. He insists on keeping his handiwork in the unlikely event of a split-up - but I'm a bit miffed since I kinda "commissioned" him to do them. :P

My boyfriend and I are in a similar...but different situation. We've been living together for 3 yrs in a college town and now are moving back to our hometown and moving in with our individual parents. So there is a couple of things we've planned for....trash, selling, his, and mine. I'm totally embracing the trash/selling aspect and want to get ride of all the big items...sofa, bed, desk, etc....and he wants to take it all. 75% of what we have has been given to us via friends family and freecycle.
It's a process that is best done before hand...before the stress sets in. Besides I figure the more we leave here the cheaper the trip b/c we won't need as big of a moving truck.

When my partner and I seperated- It was pretty heated and he mostly took trash bags of stuff. We later liquidated the apartment and weren't too attached to the hand me downs. Good thing we got back together he had absconded with many of my books!

Oh I forgot to add that we plan to move in together again after I snag my career in a fabulous big city...and so we'll probably end up living in a tiny lil apt, so I have the edge in negotiations right now. :)

I left everything behind when I divorced and left our home in California. I wanted to start fresh with no things that reminded me of that bad relationship and the home I had never felt "at home" in.

ubertimmo- right on! I was thinking the exact same thing LOL! I have left stuff on numerous occasions... out with the old and in with the new! You might have HAD the coolest stereo/tv/couch/fridge/record collection..... but NOW you get to pick out a newer- and most times BETTER- one to replacement! Which also goes for the ex... moving on up!

It's a topic that will come up again and again, in family matters. Including death of relatives. My mum had died last year, and there was a houseful of stuff. There was some very nice stuff. But I didn't have the space for it. And I knew that it was too much for me to take care of. So that I would rather it be given away for free, to someone who could take care of it, like the beautiful crystal and china, than to have it come to me where it would be broken.

Splitting up things with my brother, I did not want to fight or argue over anything. There were things I did want, but he wanted them too. So they went to him. I did not want to look at any item, knowing that he had wanted it, and that it may be a source of anger or frustration. It would have bad karma.

So that these things, during my divorce or death of relatives, I felt it should be the way of least resistance. I'll take what's left over or isn't wanted or is truly mine. But it's not worth fighting during these times of stress and pain and lost dreams.

Each item can become a weapon, meant to hurt the other person/people. So that even if you don't want it really and don't like it, you will fight tooth and nail for it, simply because the other person wants it. Much like that horrible wagon wheel table mentioned by ubertimmo in the movie When Harry Met Sally.

It was funny, as my brother for some reason thought I would fight over everything. And I did not fight at all. The most precious thing I think is the copy of a photo in a crappy frame of my mum that I didn't even know existed until after her death. I have that over by my bed, so I can see my mum.

I miss my mum.

sorry to hear about your mum. =|

I have always thought this was the single best reason not the move in together in the first place. I figure, serious co-furniture shopping is strictly for the legally bound. Why take on all the stress of a divorce unless you are actually getting a divorce!

When my Wasband and I divorced, we each kept the pieces we had whence we came together. From there we made a few agreements over shared purchases. I offered to trade the couch we bought in exchange for an unusual antique side table of his I'd always loved. He left the landing strip shelf in exchange for some framed paper cuts.

Here's a sad truth. I looked upon our forthcoming separation with disappointment because I'd have to say goodbye to his deceased uncle's beautifully framed chinese textile that worked perfectly in the living room. Years later the space still hangs empty because I can't find anything as perfect. (but I did subsequently find a perfect partner, so I do think I came out ahead in the end).

When my partner and I broke up after seven years living together I had the "it will all even out in the end attitude". But he went through the house top to bottom and made an inventory with check boxes and assigned values to everything. Even the cats made the list!

Even though I was moving out of state, I thought I needed to take as much stuff with me as I could. It all seemed so important to me at the time. I rented a giant moving truck and moved it all; twice. Once to a short term apartment and next into the loft I'm in now.

Looking at the list after the move, I ended up owing him several thousand dollars. Once I settled into my loft, I realized I didn't need or even want most of the stuff. I kept all the art and some favorite furniture but ended up sending a lot of the stuff back to him. And much of the rest was donated to charity.

It turned out I wasn't as attached to the things as I thought I was. It was much more fun to start fresh and get rid of all the old baggage. I just wish I'd have realized it before hauling it all over the country.

In the end, the list evened out nearly to the dollar. And we each kept the cat we came into the relationship with.

Wow. Those of you in supposedly happy relationships now, talking about planning for your ultimate break-up, are destined to split from your significant others for sure.

Back to the question. When a former partner and I broke up it was pretty easy. I came home from work one day and he met me at the door with the news that we were breaking up and he had already moved all of his stuff out that day! It was pretty obvious who was getting what. Funny thing is, he was in such a rush moving everything out that day that he missed some things that were clearly his. But when I ran across them my thinking was that he informed me he'd already moved everything out that was his, so what was left was, in my opinion, no longer his. Not that I wanted to keep it. Felt good throwing it out on my own, his entire stash of pictures of him growing up included.

thank you phase2phase, that was very kind of you.

Daily Nuance, I agree. Regardless of the divorce rates and breakups and broken hearts, I see each relationship as the potential for that happily ever after. At least, NOW I do.

If I go into it with pre-nups and endless documentation of what belongs to whom, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have a friend who is like that, says he doesn't believe in marriage. So he and his "girlfriend" live together. No legal ties. And it's sort of like holding someone off at arms distance, to me.

I want to say "We'll be together, forever" and mean it at the time anyway. To be full of hopes and dreams. And to be willing to work on the relationship to keep those dreams alive. To reassess our lives, our needs, and to build upon the initial foundation, a lifetime of togetherness.

Everything needs maintenance or attention or upkeep. Why would relationships be any different than a home or carpet or windows? We don't forgo windows because we KNOW that they will need to be cleaned.

And running around naked at work because you don't want to invest in clothing that will require cleaning is usually a big mistake.

It's a dividing line that doesn't need to be there...the line between "Yours" and "Mine". It's deadly psychologically. Moving into "his" house...does it ever become "our" home?

It didn't when I was there. It was always "his".

I kept my beautiful bed, let him keep the mattress-I didn't want "those" memories to follow me, and it was uncomfortable-and kept the furniture I brought into the relationship. He also got a monster of a entertainment center, that I paid for, but really didn't love, plus it was waaay to heavy to move. The only thing he kept that I wanted was a cute Buddha statue, but I figured I gave it to him so it was technically his.

The last time someone didn't live with me no more, he came on a Saturday with his parents and sister and brother-in-law, and scavenged my apartment for his things. It took about an hour as they stuffed things into garbage bags. It was very traumatic. They were in my house not talking to me as if I wasn't there. They didn't take my stuff, didn't want it. I didn't want his crap either, not most of it. I was being a little petty and tried to hide some items I didn't think he'd miss, not sentimental things, but just useful that I could use and would appreciate more than he did, but he asked for them and I gave them back. He said his mom said I could keep the bed. I don't want your fucking bed, and I certainly don't want your mother's permission to keep it. It was full size anyway, and the mattress was ancient. I wanted to get rid of the frame as that had been in their family (I thought). I lived there about 6 months more before I left the state, had long disassembled the bed, dragged the mattress out to the trash and finally convinced him to come and take that frame the night before I moved. It was too nice to leave out on the curb, but I didn't like it.

After I moved, I put down the cash to stop sleeping on the twin mattress (I'd had) on the floor, and sleep up off the ground on a queen size bed with nice nice sheets. Still haven't picked out a frame/headboard for it. It's pretty good.

On one hand you don't want the bad karma, on the other hand you loose a lot financially. This dilemma alone can be a good reason to live in a small apartment and/or own minimum stuff.
During their temporary break-up, a friend of mine was complaining about that she was paying for daily life and holidays, and her boy friend was paying the mortgage and buying furniture. So she will have nothing, but he will have all the assets to move on. Maybe this is the subconcious reason why they'll marry in 2 weeks now.
For me it was easier. My first ex payed me appr half of the value, when I left the house and everything in it behind. So I could buy a small condo.
My second ex wanted that I sell him that condo to half price as we lived there together for 4 years, and took almost every piece of furniture away and demolished the rest when I disaggreed.
Well, a lot of opportunities to change the decoration...

I'm facing a possible break up (long story: I cheated a long time ago and came clean recently), the thought of dividing up our belongings breaks my heart. It's not so much the value or practicality of the items but the act of deconstructing our home that we put together with the intention of living happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, I want ALL the stuff but I would give it all up if I could just keep him.

TRUE BLUE- What you said about your mother death was so eloquent. I've always promised my mother that when parents pass (hopefully that day will be far far away), I will not argue with my brother about furniture of all things... after all, he's all I will have. I'm sorry about your mom. I'm sure that's tough to go through.

And I agree about building your relationship on prenups is a self- fulling prophecy. Whether it's together forever or not, if you go in with an exit strategy, it casts a doubt on the entire relationship.

I'm actually going through this right now. Well, sort of, considering the mess that *is* breaking up with someone with whom you bought a condo.

Fortunately, one or the other of us bought most of the things in the house. I bought the bed, she bought the nightstands. I bought the entertainment center, coffee table and living room tv, she bought the sofa.

I came home to find that she had moved the bed and all of my bedroom things into the second bedroom, though the bed was sans mattress, as the mattress is technically hers.

I'm more concerned about the animals. Technically they're hers, but I love our puppy. She's getting the five cats, I kind of wish she'd leave me the dog, as he and I are very close.

Ah well, it's always complicated. Right? Financially, emotionally, furniturely.

awww, True Blue I miss your mum now to. I'm sorry.

I dunno. I just moved in with my bf and we had to make some big purchases together - a couch, mattress/boxspring, tv. This is my first real cohabitation and I've never made such big purchases with another person and it completely freaked me out. We talked about it and just agreeing aloud what would happen to the items in the event of our breakup took the stress out of it for me. Leaving it unsaid or undealt with is leaving some honest communication out of the relashe so I don't feel that it's self-fulfilling an end to our happy coupledom. It actually made me feel closer to him knowing he was willing to discuss my icky feelings with me. And the living together is going great!! We are more in love than ever.

I've been divorced twice and pretty much lost everything but my clothes both times. Suff isn't important. I've even thought abouit how I'd want to split up items from my current marriage. Not much I really want except MY cats, my books, art work, bookshelves and nesting tables built by my brother and family pictures. He can keep all the furniture, appliances and brand new expensive lawn tractor. My parents are in their 80's and one of these days it'll be time to divy up their stuff. Do I want anything? No. My sibs can fight it out. I figure I have too much stuff already.

Very interesting responses. I am a divorce attorney (someone's gotta do it) and had one party insist on about five marital items, one being a salt and pepper shaker set from a prison gift store.
Of course I have a different prespective to the issue of pre-nups. People fight over money. People get divorced still fighting over money. Everybody is happy in love planning a wedding and pledging their lives to each other without ever discussing the reality of every day. Pre-nups force you to look at your daily decisions. If you decide one spouse should stay home with the kids you have made a decision that impacts career, income, health care, retirement and social security benefits for both parties.
In fights over furniture both parties make a list of must haves/wants. For contested items we trade value or use rock, paper scissors when people just can't agree. Just be glad you are fighting over a couch rather than who gets the debt on the upside down mortgage.

I got the baby. That was all I cared about. She was the best thing that happened during the marriage.

When I got divorced, my ex got pretty much everything. I even left behind some clothes and my wedding dress. At least I got custody of the cats. When the relationship ended, I didn't care about the stuff I lost or left behind, I just wanted to start fresh and move on, which is exactly what I did. Even stuff has baggage, bringing back memories and such, so I would rather not have it around as a reminder.

The toughest part was the dog. I loved that little guy. Throughout the relationship, it was well understood by both of us that he was hers. It was plainly stated from the get-go. But then when it ended, it suddenly dawned on me that, after three years of having him at my feet, I'd never see him again. That was so much worse than her taking off with my security deposit.