apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

It’s just a matter of being smart. You are no less of a friend or no less trusting of your boyfriend/girlfriend by planning ahead and putting things in writing.

-Ask your landlord if you can pay the rent with 2 separate checks, each tenant responsible for their portion. That way, if it is Due Day for rent and your boyfriend/girlfriend is lagging, you don’t have to scramble or pay for them
-Put both names on the lease
-For any large purchases, keep the receipt and put in writing who gets the item if you should split (“Couch = $1,700. Mary paid in full. Mary gets to keep” or “TV Stand: $350. Bob and Mary each paid half. Mary to pay off Bob ($100) to keep the stand.” Have all parties sign it.
-Contribute $20 (or similar amount) to a monthly fund, which should be used for dish soap, paper towel, toilet paper, repairs, etc.

Holy crap, that seems ridiculous. Moving in is something that should be a huge next step, and the step before marriage. If you are moving in with someone it should be someone who you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, and with that you should see yourself trusting them implicitly, weather that be with your love or money. My fiance and I had a joint checking even before we got engaged, and we don't even look at whose money is paying for what. . . I think the only time it was an issue was when we did the whole ring thing.
It seems to me that in today's society, people think that relationships are doomed to fail, so they plan that in advance. If you plan to fail, you will fail. Why not suck it up, combine your money, and plan to succeed in your life together? If it does end, figure out who gets what then. It may cause a few arguments and tears, but its better for it to suck when it ends than for it to end before it starts.

I think the best thing to do is to open a joint checking account and each of you deposit an agreed upon amount into the account each month to cover rent and other household related bills.

Everything else (money wise), you keep separate. That way, you can do whatever you want with your money and as long as the bills are paid, there shouldn't be any money fights. It also gives you the freedom to spend your money how you want without the other giving you crap for it. It also allows you the suprise one another with gifts!

Such a good question. First, I'm not so sure I agree that getting both names on the lease should be taken for granted to be a good idea. I can easily imagine circumstances in which the person whose apartment was moved into would find it very, very unfair to suddenly face the possibility of having to sell it and split the proceeds or -- if renting -- to have to find a new place. What if the couple splits up 2 months later? Stranger things have happened than people falling out of love. And -- maybe not in other cities so much, but in NYC at least -- a great and affordable apt. is very, very hard to come by. I think it is smart for the person who is doing the moving in to sublet their place, not necessarily on a month-to-month basis but maybe for 6 months or a year. There's no harm in it, you can always get out of the lease at that point if you are still thrilled with your new living arrangements. (I should add that I'm a lawyer, so maybe I am inclined to be too practical about things like this).
Sabrinaa, I appreciate your reasons supporting your point of view but I think you have to at least acknowledge that not everyone will share that point of view. Some people, for example, might perfectly well imagine themselves spending the rest of their life with the person they are moving in with, and *still* not be into the institution of marriage the way you are. They might just plan on living together, without that being a point on a linear map of the rest of their life. In any event, not sharing a checking account does not mean a couple is thinking that their relationship is "doomed to fail." Look, you have car insurance, don't you? Do you think you are going to get in an accident every time you get in the car? No one needs to think that way for the insurance to make sense. Also, not everyone is inclined to use their finances to make a statement about their relationship.

If some people can't talk about money matters before move in day and how to handle that they should focus on that a little more because if you met someone better (or the other person) or just want out I think its smart to be prepared before you possibly get screwed with the bill. :\

I agree 100% with sabrinaa

Sabrina, I'm happy that all for one, one for all worked for you. But the reality is that most relationships that fail do so over a few small reasons. Money, sex, and children (and of course obvious things like abuse and addiction).

My ex-husband and I never had money issues. We had one joint account into which we both deposited a percentage of our paycheck. That money paid the mortgage, bills, consumer debt, groceries, etc. We each kept a personal account for a smaller portion of our paychecks and from that we made purchases that never had to be 'vetted' by the other. It wasn't about trust, it was about adult freedom. I like shoes, he likes gadgets. As long as the bills were paid, we were fortunate enough to have fun-money for personal pleasure or vacations or whathaveyou.

Why did we divorce? It wasn't money, and we didn't have children.

When we did divorce, there were no arguments over money -- we split our assets in half and bartered for the furnishings we preferred. In fact, I had inherited a very small sum and used it to pay off all of our mutual debt (a whopping vet bill, the home depot credit card).

It felt great to have had such a good financial partnership and in the end, that was one of the things that allowed us to separate amicably. But it was in fact the mix of financial independence and sharing responsibilities that made it work.

In California, at least last time I checked, even if both names are on the lease, each tenant is responsible for the rent in full. Talking things through with your partner before you move in together is certainly smart, but trying to involve your landlord in keeping things separate seems really odd. Two rent checks are fine, but don't think this will keep one of you off the hook for the rent if the other one doesn't pay his/her half. Your landlord can and likely will evict both of you for non-payment of one-half the rent, though of course, s/he'll have to go through legal channels to do so.

My boyfriend make substantially more than i do (being a student I can't work as much) So we have split it up this way: he pays rent, i pay utilities, and we split the groceries in alternating weeks.

sabrinaa... i don't know about you... but i know myself and probably many others out there in AT land have had relationships they were *certain* were the *one.* I've been there. in fact, that's where I've been for the last two years with my partner... yet in august we're moving into seperate places. we'll still be together, but not as intensely and not under the same roof. even if we do move back in together eventually, i'm REALLY glad we haven't combined our finances yet, because that would make this fall MUCH more difficult.

there are break-ups that you see coming, but for the most part they are largely unforseen. that's why being up front about money when you move in together is so important.

and not everyone views living together as a precursor to marriage. the last purtains gave up and moved on long ago.

I really appreciate the maturity in kimg924's comment. Thanks!

You might want to trust one another implicitly, but not everyone is responsible! Ok, it's easy enough to find someone who is financially responsible, and be financially responsible too.

I really don't know. It would be so easy if you could just live in a perfect world. I have lived with someone who defaulted on the lease, and I have also left someone and we were both responsible for the rent until the end of the lease. The contract is with both people. The landlord needs the full rent for the lease to keep you in a place, but if both your names are on the lease, he can only go after you for your half. You'll get thrown out, but you don't have to pay more. If you want to stay badly enough to cover for your partner, expect them not to pay you back, but you could take them to court. Judge Judy would be there, but hey.

Moving in is a big step, marriage is a big step. It's not a mistake to take big steps, but it's a mistake to assume it will all work out. How long can you wait to find someone you can be sure about? How sure can you be about someone you feel sure about without having this talk? Open communication is the most important asset in a giving and forgiving relationship, and if you want to ignore that fact and live in a fantasy where you just "implicitly" know, you get what you get. You can't say you didn't know just because you didn't think it was prudent to ask.

I think everyone's opinion is valid. The way money as well as all other aspects of the relationship are handled depends on what makes the two people involved most comfortable. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with finances in a relationship.

Sorry, but married or "living in sin," both partners need to be in control of their own finances. Even the best plans fail. Plus, having your money and understanding how to take care of it contributes to your feelings of self-worth.

My mom has been out of the workforce for a long time, but still managed to save quite a bit in her retirement account, Roth IRA, and CD's. Even though her and my dad share everything (and have for close to 30 years), she could still survive without anyone else's money.

I plan on following her example.