apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

half half half half....

So about half of marriages end in divorce...
About half of couples move in together before marriage....
About half of those couples split....

So that means that still, half of the couples that don't move in together before marriage STILL have their marriages end in divorce.

Seems like other factors would be involved here and no one can say that one way is better than the other and that what is right for one couple may not be right for another.

Talk about chores! Talk about what level of cleanliness you prefer, and what you can live with. Talk about who's going to do what chore and how often. And then, you know, stick to that plan. My ex and I had a time figuring out how to divide chores in a way we both considered fair when we first moved in together; we figured it out fairly quickly, but deciding beforehand would have been the better way to go.

1. expect to have to work at being succesful living together. a lot of people move in with the ''hey, we'll just see if it works out" philosophy. they are the ones who will be moving out soon. people very rarely just 'happen' to be great at living together right away. there's a lot of trial and error, a lot of compromise, a lot of patience needed. it's a lot like marriage-- and people who enter marriage with that attitude are the ones who will get divorced.
2. *before* you sign the lease and move in, check off a list of every little thing you want/need to talk about. will it seem anal and perhaps paranoid? yes. but it's better that it's said now than for one person to assume something (and you can always blame it on an article you read online). seriously, talk about everything-- even things you think are common knowledge. what does keeping the apartment clean mean? sweeping once a month or doing a weekly scrub down? do you split the grocery bill 50/50 if he eats twice as much as you at dinner? yes it's your cat, but will he *really* not scoop the litter box from time to time?
3. let he/she who is interested in decor not handle the entire financial burden of furnishing the apartment. this has been a big issue with a lot of my friends. the conversation goes like this: "honey, let's get curtains." "okay." "no, I mean, can you get us some curtains?" "but I don't think we really need curtains. if you want them, you can get them." "but I bought the couch, and the area rug, and table." "yeah, because you wanted them." "but you use them, too. apartements need these things. I just picked out the style. I can pick out the curtains if you want." "yeah, so you should buy them." "but they're for both of us!" huge fight follows.
4. do not share large purchase unless you're comfortable selling it when you break up (and even then, it can get messy). yes, couches, beds, etc. are expensive. but it's better that one person buys an expensive thing and the other buys 10 cheaper items to even it out. then if you move out, it is clear what belongs to each person and there's no argument about how much to sell it for on craigslist.
5. pick your battles and don't resort to passive agressive behavior to fight them, (especially if it's so passive the other person doesn't even notice and nothing comes of it). but really, just say something in a nice way.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for the last 6 months in a 200 sq. ft. apartment. We also work at the same place and go to the same university... so, it's not as if we exactly have our own space. But we manage to keep from killing each other. Somehow...

I think these are a few important things to remember...

1. Do your own thing. You don't have to do everything together. Hell, you don't even have to talk all the time.

2. Be friends. Before you move in together make sure that your relationship doesn't revolve around candlelit dinners and flowers every other day. You have to be able to have fun that doesn't involve "whispering sweet nothings."

3. Don't hide. Give up on trying to pretend you don't wake up with morning breath or that the smell lingering in the bathroom didn't come from you.

It hasn't been that long, but I haven't killed him yet. That's got to count for something, doesn't it???

Ah, a topic near and dear to my heart. My boyfriend and I have lived together with minimal conflict for 3 years now. The largest problem we've ever had with our arrangement has been trying to defend it against the attacks of family and friends.

While my parents were sympathetic and supportive... his were... not so much. After 3 years, I think they've finally reconciled themselves to the fact that we're living in sin. I'm just glad we don't have to keep our sin a secret from his teenage brother and sisters anymore (of course, they knew anyway couldn't have cared less).

Though I can understand disapproval from immediate family- especially where religious values come in- I am still offended by openly disparaging commentary from friends. Though my man and I are in a solid relationship, rarely argue, and are very comfortable in our shared space, we STILL have to fend off rude remarks about how we've made the wrong decision, or about how the stats say that we're doomed to failure. It amazes me how people are always bold enough to naysay- even in the face of our happiness and success.

My recommendations?

-Don't get wrapped up in the statistics (if we did that, would any of us ever drive cars again). Think about your unique situation and your history. How long have you been together- and how much time are you spending together? If you've been perfectly happy together for 4 years but only see each other two evenings per week... this might be a rough transition!

-Find a living space that allows for alone time- even if it's a little nook.

-Don't put yourself in an arrangement that guarantees constant frustration. When my boyfriend and I first moved in together, we only had enough room for one desk... but we both needed it constantly to do our schoolwork. When we squished in a second desk space all of our irritation evaporated. Remember to separate your annoyance at a situation from annoyance at your partner. Work out a creative solution to the actual problem instead of calling it quits.

Step One: Don't move in with a control freak that uses passive aggression and manipulation to take over your friends, space and life.

Step Two: Have an escape plan.

:)

I'm fine with living together as an alternative to marriage. I couldn't imagine going through all the hoop-la of a wedding after seeing what my friends have went through. We are on the same page with the big things (ie kids, future, day to day) which makes it work. Perhaps that is forgotten by couples these days, married or not.

For a giggle I imagine he and I at the altar, sweating it out in front of 200 people, then dancing to our first song amid curling plumes from the smoke machine. Don't even get me started on the part where he takes my garter off with his teeth!

I think playing the "fairness" game can set people up for failure. Suddenly the argument of "you're not picking up your share" becomes the thing that sets off every argument. Mutual respect and the responsibility for your own actions should be more important here. And if you can't take responsibility for yourself, don't move in with someone else. They shouldn't have to demand from you a "share" of chores or funds.

My BF and I have been living together for 10 years - since our sophomore year in college. A lot of people don't understand why we don't just get married, but to us a piece of paper will not make our relationship and living arrangement different. In the end - moving in together is not changed by a marriage license - moving OUT is.

I've lived with my boyfriend of 7 years (!) for 2.5 now. We'll get married one of these days, but if it's ain't broke, don't fix it!

We have a joint checking account to pay for bills, rent, groceries, eating out, etc. We each put a certain amount in each month... everything is split 50/50. It's completely easy and avoids anyone feeling like they're paying more than the other. We also have the same bank... so transferring money is a cinch. I pay my own bills and he does the same. We never have the "you spent how much on those shoes?" convo because we're spending our own money, not the joint money.

We, however, are both architects and make generally the same amount of money... this helps.

I second the comment above that encourages making sure you have space for alone time--even a little nook is plenty! while not living with a partner, i am living with a good friend, and we needed to develop a little area that would be for reading (an activity i do more of) and tv/movie watching (an activity he does more of). Its important to make space for the things each of you like (bike fixing, sewing machines, fancy knives, a cavalcade of baking dishes)

Since the discussion of bank accounts came up, I thought I would share our set up which has worked incredibly well through 10 years of varying salaries and employment statuses. We have our own bank accounts and a shared account. Each paycheck we deposit a percentage of our paycheck into the joint account (the percentage has grown with growing mutual expenses such as vehicle purchases and mortgages). The joint account covers all mutual expenses from utilities, groceries, mortgage and car payment to even eating out together. This allows the amount paid by each individual to be fair according to how much they make, while still leaving an ample amount of money in our individual accounts for personal "don't judge my purse habit" purchases.

I've lived with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We moved in together out of convenience, but it became a lot more when we realised that we wanted to be together forever.
We've had a lot of problems with school, employment, and paying our bills... but I feel that after 3 years of struggling to get by, we've finally found our rhythm.

We created a very detailed budget to make sure we are paying our student loans down as quickly as possible, as well as saving for emergencies, retirement, and vacations.

It's been hard, and if we argue it always seems to be about money... but you make it work. We've had to sacrifice a lot but I feel that we've hit a point where we can start doing more things together. Like take a class, learn a language, spend more time enriching our lives...

Most recently, my boyfriend started working nights and this has lead to another hurdle to get over. Our schedules are pretty much opposite now, but we have to make time to do things together in the evenings so that we don't feel like we live alone.

It's hard, but I think it's totally worth getting through all these complications NOW instead of when we're married and you get that dreaded feeling of "oh god, I have to live with this forever!" or "I am way too young to get divorced, how am I going to get through this?!"

I think living together is great.

It gives some folks an easier out once they get past the sexual fascination and realize that they are horrible partners.

For others, it is a more gradual marriage, with their lives becoming more and more entwined the longer they are together, as opposed to the Big Bang theory of traditional marriage where two lives get smashed together in an instant. (The sexual innuendo is also completely appropriate here.)

Just get the papers signed before the baby is born. Children need their parents to be completely committed to them---- mentally, emotionally and legally.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 3 years now. We've lived in a variety of places: cabin in the middle of Alaska, 1 Bedroom apartment Portland, and now moved into a 2 bedroom apartment in Denver. We have also done a couple cross country trips, sleeping in tents, cars, friends floors, etc.

Amazingly we have made it work and enjoyed it immensely. My advice with moving in with a guy, is it has to all happen very naturally. It's not a lot of discussion and debates. It's just co-existing together in a way that flows. It just feels like home. We don't split chores, we do things that we seem to gravitate too. he loves to cook, so he does most of the cooking. I'm kind of a neat freak, so I do most of the hard cleaning. It all just balances out. And I am not afraid to ask for help if I need it. And he has enough respect to help out. Anyways remember it shouldn't be tons of discussion, it just is, and hopefully it feels like home.

shockthebourgeois -My husband and I actually did not move in together before getting married, for a variety of reasons really. I've actually found that we had the opposite problem then you and most posters. Our friends and coworkers could not believe we didn't want to live together first. We got lots of "but how do you know you'll be compatible living together?" But you know what? I'm glad we did it the way we did, and we have been very compatible living together. I don't judge my friends moving in with their boyfriends at all, most of my friends actually do or have lived with a boyfriend. Its a personal decision, that's all.

4, "Be meticulous about money", strikes a chord personally. This was the one thing I did not do -- I trusted my boyfriend, we'd been together for three years already, he'd been supportive and understanding, we hadn't had any difficulties in our first starter apartment. So when we moved into a larger apartment together -- in France, a foreign country for me, and I was a freelancer -- I didn't mind that he put only his name on the rental contract. As a foreigner and freelancer, landlords raised their eyebrows at me; they'd never have rented to me as a single woman (this was proven true afterwards). Also since I was a freelancer and new to the country, it took a year before my bank would agree to give me a debit card. And so I didn't mind when my boyfriend bought all of our furniture (with a share of my money that I gave him) on his card, and thus in his name. It was easy, I trusted him, our relationship seemed sound.

He started insulting me, then threatening me, and physical aggression eventually followed. I left him at that point. He took everything... he could, because it was in his name and we weren't married (no legal recourse for me). It's taken me five years, and the incredible luck of finding landlords who understood my predicament (when all other landlords literally laughed me off) to work my way back to a normal life.

Don't let this happen to you. Get both of your names on rental contracts/leases. Pay for your share of the furniture, by check if necessary (as I should have done), even if it is a hassle. Keep receipts for major purchases. That said, no need to see this as being fearful or suspicious -- see it as being equitable, which is indeed what it is. Someone who truly loves you won't refuse you an equitable share. It's a warning sign when someone tries to talk you out of that (which my ex-boyfriend did for the lease -- I found out later that it would have posed no problem whatsoever to have my name on it).

(That includes computers, something others may take for granted, like I naively did -- the main reason it took me so long to get back on my feet was that everything he took included my work PC. Just try earning money quickly when you've lost all of your contacts, portfolio, paid software, and past work. Sigh.)

To add to Grace's comment about getting rid of duplicates before you move in, I'd like to suggest that six months later, you engage in Phase 2 of Organization. During the stress of the move, you tend to stuff everything into the closets just to complete the move, without alot of thought. Later, when you catch your breath, and have adjusted to living in a single space together, it's a good idea to do the process with more thought. That way, you both can find things when you're looking for them. My colleage Donna Walcavage at www.edaw.com is just about ready to start Phase 2. She and her boyfriend recently moved in together.
Janet Valenza
Closet Revolution
www.closetrevolution.com

I've been married for 25 years. Here's my advice--make sure you're both equally responsible for all financial obligations--rent, utilities, etc. Don't get joint checking or credit cards, loans, etc.. If you want to buy a house, make sure you're both protected.
Don't share a computer hard drive.
Do share chores, but play to your own strengths--if you can load the dishwasher for maximum efficiency, then do that job and have your partner do something else.
And don't make a chart for household chores.

My best living together/married tip is to hire a cleaning person! (If you can afford it.) I did this with roommates too before I was married. Makes everyone happy -- including the person you employ.

Perfect textbook case that correlation does not equal causation.

Many people who do not live together before marriage these days are religious. There's little other reason to not cohabitate besides religion, especially when in more "serious" stages that lead up to marriage.

People who feel strongly enough about their religion to avoid "living in sin" are also more likely to feel divorce is wrong, or have families that are very anti-divorce, or even supportive communities (church, etc) that will work hard to make sure that couple stays together.

Even if they're miserable.

I am about to take the plunge and officially move in with my boyfriend this weekend! This post has been really helpful - especially everyone's comments. I think it's easy/natural to want everything to be all sunshine and buttercups, but living with your partner can be hard sometimes... but I've found that we're a lot closer when we manage to work through the bumps along the road.

Now, if I could get him to pitch in more often with the dishes, my life would be perfect.

The blog post:

According to yet another report by the Centers for Disease Control, about half of all couples that move in together end up separating within five years (thus supporting our parents' reasoning of, "Why buy the cow when the milk's so cheap?").

Try looking at the success rate of all couples who DON'T move in together after 5 years. Relationships fail for many reasons not just cows or milk or whatever.

I am young (24) and have lived with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. It's been great, but maybe that's because we have a good relationship w/ minimal drama.

Positives:
-I love how he is as messy as I am!
-He has a car, but I don't, and he occasionally chauffers me around.
-If we lived separately, we couldn't have rescued a relative's unwanted dog. Of course dogs are A LOT of work, so we divide the tasks. He walks the dog in the mornings, while I walk the dog after work because I get off work earlier.

Negatives:
- It's awkward when I have to remind him to pay me rent EACH month.
- Unfortunately, I learned that I am a control freak when it comes to cooking, but don't have the energy to cook every night. We don't have the budget to eat out all the time, and I was getting resentful of having 100% the cookies duties, so I taught him. First we went to the grocery store - he had no knowledge of seasonings or different cuts of meats, etc. Now he goes on his own, unprompted! Then we walked through cooking 3-4 "core" dishes - easy stuff like pasta, steaks, pizzas. Now the last two steps involve me getting out of his way. I have to go to the gym when he cooks otherwise I'll hover and critique too much. And lastly, I have to happily enjoy his cooking "mistakes" because I know he's fallible and that he's eaten plenty of my dishes that were burnt or undercooked. Plus I don't want to discourage him from cooking in any way.

Fraise - wow, you've had a really tough couple of years, and you must have had to stay really strong to get yourself back on your feet, I hope the best is yet to come for you, you've earned it.

Living together sounds like a 24-hour-a-day job interview. Not for me.

I've lived with two partners and have learned a few things from those failed relationships. My current girlfriend and I have been together for three years and really want to live together but circumstances haven’t quite worked out yet. (I own a 450 sq. foot home and need to rent it out before I can afford to move. A tiny home is not a good idea for two independent people.)

Anyway, from my previous living together experiences here's my advice...

1) Timing is everything! Don't rush into moving in together. If the relationship is solid, you have your whole lives to live together. Make sure you two have reached a place of common respect and open communication before living together.

2) If you and your partner are codependent, work on that before living together. If you move in together when you're already codependent it's a recipe for disaster.

3) Probably the most important piece of advice I have is when you are ready to move in together get a new place. Don't move into his/her place, or have him/her move into your place. To use an analogy, someone's already pissed on that space. It's really hard to share a space that someone else has lived in alone for however long. It's THEIR place even when they say “I can’t wait for you to move in.” Picture your partner saying something like…

“I'll make some room in MY closet for you." (emphasis on the "my.")

If you two are moving into a new place together that sentence might go more like…

“Isn’t our closet nice and roomy."

I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and living together (extremely happily!) for eight. We had to move from our hometowns to attend neighbouring universities and we just decided to move in together. I certainly didn't expect to be one who ended up with her high school boyfriend but basically, we get on incredibly well and live together easily. Oh and the love thing. We have a joint bank account where our money has always been pooled as 'ours' - this won't work for everybody! All things good and bad are in both names (cars, house, furniture, world's most awesome dogs, credit card). I laugh at people who say that our relationship is easier to get out of than a married one. We'll tie the knot one day, probably sooner rather than later at this point.

My advice:
*Have clear rules about housework - who does what and when. Don't make a chart though, you do that for kids, not your partner.
*If your partner is cooking-challenged then make sure that you teach them a couple of basics - it's fun and you'll appreciate it later.
*Have two computers!
*Expect that each person is going to want some alone time - you don't have to be within a foot of somebody 24/7. Usually it will happen naturally - eg I will want to get some work done on the computer while he will want to watch the latest Lost episode.
*Forgive your partner for their choice in tv shows.
*Make sure that items bought jointly are in both names.

How I've learned to live with my father's love of Fox News:

Television headphones.

Works well for couples, too.

I second the advice to hire a cleaning person. Even if it's just someone once a month, it's totally worth it. At the very least, you can just have someone come in for an hour or two, for less than $40.

An added benefit is the inspired 'pre-clean': a lot of people get shy before the cleaner comes, or they don't want to pay a cleaner to do regular chores like the dishes, so there'll be a burst of cleaning just before the cleaner shows up. Even the most cleaning-averse (or perhaps, particularly the cleaning-averse) are prone to the pre-clean, so it's a good way to level the cleaning field once in a while.

And, if you're the cleaner party in the relationship, you know there's always back-up scheduled and on its way, so you're less likely to get so frustrated with your partner.

Half of the couples who cohabitate solit before they get married, and half of married couples divorce. Interesting point: considerably more than half of the couples who lived together before marriage divorce. In other words, you have a better chance of staying married if you don't cohabitate beforehand.

As been said by a few people above me, half of all couples divorce. I don't see it as a deterrent to living together, I'd much rather figure out that I can't spend my life with someone when the only legal contract between us is a lease and not a marriage contract. I can't believe people DONT live together first in this day and age--it just makes sense.

I think there is also a point to the fact that couples who choose not to live together before marriage often have religious and other factors that impact their view of marriage and would deter them from getting divorced--even if they are miserable.

Why do we talk about divorce like it's the end of the world? Obviously, it's not the best situation, but I think it's better to see an unhappy couple divorce as amicably as possible than to stay together because that is somehow supposed to be "better" for all parties involved.

I live in a 320 square foot apartment with my boyfriend, who I also work with, he's neat and organized, I can leave laundry on the floor a week and not notice. My advice? Go out without eat other, expect to fight over the little things, and buy a pair of headphones for the computer/TV.

OK, I may be unique here. I lived with my guy for 6 years, got married to him, after 5 years we divorced, we lived apart for another 4 or 5 but remained friends, then we I moved back into the house we co-owned (never took my name off the mortgage or deed, but he could affort to maintain it and I couldn't so I lived in an apartment) and then we sold that place and built a new house with dual masters -- one for him and one for me. We are "domestic partners" for life, we do not expect to get married again, we do not sleep together any more, but we share our lives as though we were still married, otherwise.

It works for us. Your mileage may vary.

From all that, here's my advice.

Be friends and stay friends. Care about each other before you move in with each other, don't expect unrealistic things from each other. If one of you tends to feel "used", don't let that happen -- make sure you always keep a balance, if it's financial or housework, or whatever. (I do more housework now because he spends more money. He wanted the pet rabbits so he's in charge of cleaning up after tham, and I manage the cats.)

If things don't work out, part gracefully and stay friends. It takes two to make a relationship, but it takes only one to divorce, at least in no-fault states. Don't try to grab (or let the other person grab) more than was brought into the relationship. Be fair. AGREE to be fair from the outset. Don't get acrimonious.

Marriage was great, it's nice to say "my husband" and all that. But I really think marriage is essential only if you have kids. I know lots of single parents manage, but if you WANT to have kids, I think you should start by being in a relationship you believe to be secure and try to keep it that way for their sake. That means really knowing each other and liking each other and being ready to forgive each other. Especially, I think, in sexual "adventures" which often lead to an affront that means instant divorce, but is almost a given in contemporary life. People have the urge to have multiple partners. It's only a small component of life, sex is -- don't let that end something that is otherwise good.

Finally, be honest and forthright. Nobody can read minds. So if something irks you, say so in a factual, not an emotional way. ("It really bugs me that you leave the toilet seat up" as opposed to "Why the hell can't you EVER put the seat down?") Work it out, don't let it fester. And if you are the one being challenged, listen and try to understand why they are upset and what you can do about it to make things better. (You love them, right? So you WANT it better for them, right?)

I am 21 years old and I have been married for 7 months, and the first night we spent together was the night we got married. So, not only no cohabitation before marriage, no SEX before marriage. Chew on that one.

Things we have learned/do:

1. We have one checking account and one savings account. All our money goes into these accounts every month, and we don't even look to see who gets paid more. We take rent out, groceries out, everything out. And we don't ever fight about who pays for what. If we want to go shopping for clothes, movies, or a new razor, whatever, we just talk about it, see where our fiances are, and make the fiscally smart decision. There isn't ever a need to argue about money. We worry about money, but never argue. We have had this set up for about 2 years now (yes, before we were even engaged), and its works peachy.

2. Living together before you are married isn't required to know someone. Spending time with them, talking with them, asking all the uncomfortable questions that you don't want to ask will suffice. I can honestly say that I haven't been surprised once in the past 7 months by his day to day stuff. I already knew he didn't put the toilet seat down, I knew that he is a freak about water on the floor after showering, and knew that he doesn't like to do dishes. I have, however, been surprised by flowers, and breakfast in bed, and his general awesomeness as a husband and lover.

3. Having your own computer is VITAL. V-I-T-A-L.

4. Argue naked. Seriously. You will find your arguments become very short, and things get solved very quickly.

5. Don't ever go into a relationship thinking it is temporary. Be in it for the long haul. Marriage is not easy. You have to work hard every day to be able to snuggle freely every night. If one person thinks there is an easy out, they will take it. Make sure you are both committed to your goals and your life together.

6. Be on the same page with kids.

7. BE FLEXIBLE. Don't set anything in stone, except loving eachother and always resolving fights in a reasonable amount of time (for us, its 12 hours, for you it might be 3 days)

To those who think marriage is just a piece of paper.....do your homework!

There are hundreds of legal, financial, and health benefits to being legally married. You can be on each others' insurance, you don't have to pay taxes on inheriting half the house, you can make medical decisions for each other, you do not have to testify against each other, you can receive the other's social security (after TEN years of marriage, btw).

Without marriage, the government sees you as a COMPLETE STRANGER to your partner. Ask any gay couple WHY they want the right to get married....."because we love each other" is just one of over a thousand reasons.

Legal marriage has NOTHING to do with love and compatibility. The government, health insurance companies, banks, and the hospital do not care how much you love each other.

If the only reason you have for not being married is because you THINK it's just a piece of paper, wise up and get married.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER.

I'm all for living together, don't get me wrong. But please understand the real purpose of a marriage certificate before you decide it's "nothing".

And besides, if you call a marriage certificate "meaningless" now, how can you then possibly assign it such tremendous meaning if you DO get married?

Money management and splitting of chores are the main things imo. My boyfriend and I have not officially moved in together yet as he is going away for a year, but since a few months after we began dating we have pretty well spent 6-7 days a week together. In living separately but together, some of our differences are more highlighted, so we are forwarned when we do make the move... Here are a few of the issues that we have encountered in our separately together living:

1- He is a very tidy person, whereas I tend to throw things down and leave them wherever if I am tired or busy. I binge clean, but he keeps things consistently tidy.

2- Clutter wise, he picks up after me, but dirt wise, I clean up after him. Some of his dirt-making habits (such as spreading almond butter and jam onto bread without a plate, and leaving the dirty knife on my good cutting board, and standing too far from the toilet) drove me crazy at first, as mine did him, but we have both realized and compromised by trying to minimize our habits, and then accepting the other's. It pretty well evens out.

3- Furniture taste: I like to have nice matching wood for a good price (ikea's antiqued pine stain). He likes to find things on the side of the street, some of which I cringe at, others of which I applaud. There are some household items that I buy that I do not reveal the price of, or i just say "on sale". Luckily, we both like a similar overall look, so my bought things will stay, whereas most of his found things will go- and we will find more things once we know what we need in an apartment together.

4- Cooking and food: We both work in kitchens, so usually by the time we are at home, cooking is minimally appealing. He is a faster cook, I like doing a day or two of baking bread and goodies better. Usually we make the occasional gourmet meal with cheese and wine, but most of the time he cooks, and I do the dishes sometime between when he goes to work and comes over again. Food wise, I keep my fridge stocked pretty well, but if either of us is spending a fair bit of time at the others home, we bring a back pack of groceries. When we move in together, we plan to do either alternate in paying for groceries, or to split the bills. Little treats are spontaneous (we both have poor judgment when deciding how expensive is too expensive for a good cheese) and not split. We also tend to alternate with coffee treats and dinners out.

5- Understanding finances: He makes close to 3x more than me, as I am a full time student. In knowing this, he often will help me out a bit more when I am tight. I try to pay him back in massages or special cooked dinners, and in buying extra groceries when my finances are better.

6- Respecting Space needs: I need a desk for my schoolwork, and space for my painting supplies and my dressmaking supplies. He needs space for meditation and yoga. We decided that we will sacrifice neighborhood for space, and get a two bedroom, so that he can have a room to himself for yoga and meditation (that I can use too), and good storage, so I can take out my work materials when I need to, and enough room to leave out works in progress.

Main thing is to discuss your plans for the future (is marriage in the question? Do you want to buy a home together? Dogs? Cats? Children?) Know where your finances are going, and what money you might be making in that future. In knowing this, you can know if your long term plans are compatible, and if it is worth making an investment in living together, or whether you should keep the financial boundaries that you do with any other roommate.

I found this interesting to read. Me and my boyfriend of 2.5 years FINALLY (thank GOD) decided to move in together, come July-ish. I mean, we've practically been living together since we first met (staying over in each others' rooms/apartments, etc). While joint banking accounts aren't in our immediate future, I did appreciate everyone's input and I'm definitely bookmarking this for...later.

i lived with my BF for about 6 months before we got our own place. my stuff was in a couple boxes or bags in his closet so it was SO nice to have my own closet when we finally made the move.

it took us a while to make the move for money reasons and i think we needed the time to make sure we were in it for more than saving a few bucks. so far so good! i cant say there havent been a few fights here and there, but it keeps the relationship healthy- calling ourselves out on a dip in our communication.

we talked about keeping kosher, about cleaning, about the cat and figured we'd decide the rest as it came. the only thing now is to get him to buy less sweets and more veggies! needless to say, he doesnt go shopping alone often.

we have a one bedroom and can sometimes feel a little cramped, but still being able to occupy two different rooms is great! he can play his video games and i can watch my cooking shows.

if i had any advice i'd say keep communication OPEN- good advice in any relationship but especially vital when living in the same small space. if you do get upset, take a deep breath and think before you speak. dont attack! and keep this in mind "if you ask someone to do something they will do it their way unless otherwise told- and if you can do it yourself DO!

- msjessiemeghan, I am so sorry - I think you and I may share an ex :( I'm sorry there was no evidence I had that would get him off the streets.

- Sabrinaa - fabulous! I am with you all the way. My husband and I not only didn't live together before we were married, we hadn't lived in the same state for a year before we were married, and for the first year of our marriage, he was deployed. We (on opposite sides of the world) picked out bedding and dishes together online, etc. And it was an awesome adventure and a true gift to finally welcome him to our home.

I don't care about whether other people choose to live together unwed. I do wish for all of my girlfriends who lived for years with their boyfriend/fiancee before their weddings and say of their wedding day, "It was like any other day - it didn't feel any different" - I wish they could have experienced the absolute ecstatic nirvina I experienced on my wedding day. But I got a pretty amazing bestfriend/lover, and it sounds like you did too!

(P.S. Rules are silly. Guidelines and expectations communicated clearly are fantastic, helpful, and not demanding. ...Nor can others' fail them as easily as they can break rules).