apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

This sounds like a similar issue that folks have of using shopping as a substitute for dealing with their feelings.

Instead of shopping, you keep these objects which you are using to keep you from dealing with your loss - these old sheets and candleholders are your way of helping you pretend that your granny isn't gone, but just in the other room.

Emotions are OK. Sadness is natural. Dealing with the clutter will help you deal with your loss and allow you to move on with your own life.

Good Luck.

i'm dealing with it right now. my mom just died and it's terribly painful to part with the things that she loved. i cannot keep them as i live in new york and she lived in los angeles, but i cannot get rid of them either, not yet anyhow. so i find myself eyeing certain things that just aren't quite my taste, but the sentiment and the love i have had eating off of those porcelain plates, for example, makes me want to keep them. i'm generally very very good at purging and i'm pretty much a minimalist, but i already see myself building new shelves to house that serving set for 12! i'm sure i will pick and choose carefully. right now it's too soon to think about getting rid of the objects my parent loved.

but.....when i do, major yard sale in los angeles!

My parents were burgled 5 times after my dad's parents passed away. Because they were insured, it was a huge blessing in disguise. They never would have been able to let go of 100 yr old wedding dresses, much less the far more mundane items.

Failing that, you could try Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui. That book is amazing. I don't believe in FS even the tiniest bit, but it is a quick, very motivating, clutter-busting pep talk against keeping things that are not frequently used or enjoyed. It even converted my mom, the worst of the packrats.

I've experienced the same. My mother holds on to every little tiny thing anyone ever gave her (but she's not a crazy hoarder!) and demands the same of her offspring. I have half a dozen plastic bins in my basement full of just "things" that don't suit my life or my style. Must wait until my own mom forgets about them before parting. I've chosen to hold on to a few precious things: jewelry grandma wore and gave to me, a blanket she made, a vase, a set of beautiful old glassware. Other things I've received I'm repurposing, thus preserving the memories in a functional manner: making vibrant toss pillows out of the vintage linen tea-towels, mounting the crocheted doilies in frames for a bold piece of original art in the spare room, the crystal jelly dish as a jewelry spot on my dresser.

Tell me about it... I'm doing the cure, that's why the mess... but I've put notes to identify everything that I can't throw out because it was my grandmothers.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/21305917@N06/sets/72157604109111213/

You don't even get to see the serving set for 14 and the drawer full of silk scarves...

After my father died I inherited his house and all his stuff. I had moved back in with him so it was the house I was living in at the time. A year after his death I had a major garage sale. My parents' taste was different from mine. I kept things that I liked and some things I honestly wasn't ready to part with yet. I still have my mother's floral china in a box that I haven't touched since I packed it up.

For me, the few things that I have around the house represent my parents and me. So I think I enjoy them more than if I was living with all of their stuff. I wanted my home to represent me. I'll always have my memories.

I sold 90% of the furniture in the house at that garage sale. It was actually satisfying to sell the pieces to people who were just starting out and needed furniture.

It may have been easier for me since I was raised by parents who believed if you didn't use something or want it anymore then donate it or sell it.

When my mother- in law died, we cleared her house in England and shipped a ton of stuff back to our home in New England. It has been just over a year and I've found my 8 or 10 most favorite things that I use all the time. But I still have a lot of china stuff that's really not my thing at all, but it's precious because of memories of her.

Lately I've been toying with ideas for projects that could transform The Stuff (which is how I think of it) into other things that would be more useful and/or beautiful.

I saw a fantastic floor lamp made with china teapots and jugs, stacked up, with a metal tube threaded all the way through. I don't think that's the right project for me, but something like that, to transform all The Stuff into one or two art projects that have a sense of fun and joyfulness.

Maybe, someone in AT land has some ideas?

Yeah, my dad died a few years ago and due to the fact that he had no will and a rather nasty ex-wife who was his current business partner at the time of his death, my brother and I got very few things that were his. Instead I have a hard time getting rid of the things that he gave me, mostly electronics. They still work very well (I did manage to get rid of the boom box that he gave me for my 13th b-day, almost 20 years ago, it no longer worked), but the older TV, stereo and disc changer I still have (despite the fact that I don't have speaker to attach to the stereo and cd player). I will get rid of them eventually, but it might take a little longer.

It's a bit easier w/time- we had 2 legacies more or less at the same time to deal with - 3,000 mi away...I am getting som very nice 60's furniture - but I live in a small apt., not a house - We are trying to rearrange things and replace some particle board stuff with the things that are coming....You know, I really don't like minimalism to LIVE with - I prefer a shabby chic old-English country house feel, anyway...it's mre HUMAN. (Where do they put their BOOKS anyway. Or don't the minimalists READ?)

christine- if you have to put notes on it to remind you it was hers, the item itself clearly has little sentimental value. Let it go! Sell it and spend the money on something you know she'd enjoy seeing you enjoy. Vacation? Repairs?

The advice "just sell it" is easier given than carried out. Ebay is a full-time time investment, with costs associated, and Craigslist will burn up your time with a thousand emails and flaky no-show-ers who will offer you pennies on the dollar no matter what your starting price is.

I don't think Christine was saying that she has to put post-its on things to remember where they're from, but that she made those notes so that anyone who follows that link to her pictures would understand which things are from her grandmother.

Ok, maybe this is anti cure-ish, but I think you should hang onto the stuff until you're really sure you want to let it go. It looks like you were lucky enough to inherit some quality pieces, and even if you don't want them around now, you may one day. I always think storage units are a laughable waste of money, so what I prefer to do is to lend stuff out that I can't use right now. I'm sure several of your friends would be happy to use that stuff until you're sure of what you want, and then you have the satisfaction of seeing it when you're at their place.

I have to say, too, that your attachment to your grandma is really touching. I really hope someday that I have a grandkid that feels the same way about me. And who will cherish my nice rug I bought when I was pregnant with their father.

I have the same issue. A lot of my nana's things are in storage at my parents' house. I really would like to have a lot of them out but I'm limited on space, too. Things will be better for me when my evil roommate finally leaves in May. I've been thinking very hard what to do with that room.

As for the things you hang on to that aren't your taste, that probably won't ever get used or placed in public view--is it sentimental value that makes you hold onto them, or guilt? Try to evaluate this carefully on an object-by-object basis. Those old sheets from the '60s? I've yet to find modern sheets cooler for a muggy summer night and THEY DON'T PILL. I'm keeping the sheets. The 12-place setting of dishes with the pattern you'd hate if they were in the store? That could be guilt.

Sometimes documentation helps to assuage the guilt. You've got to do something, because right now you've got clutter AND guilt, neither of which are making you and your home happy. Take pictures and file them immediately in an album (so you don't create new clutter). Label them well, perhaps jotting down your favorite memory of the item. Or have a friend video you and the item, with you retelling your favorite memories. Whatever it takes for you to be able to let go. Then later, when you need the memories, you have them. And you'll know that someone else is enjoying the stuff that would otherwise have become clutter you resent.

But yeah, it can be hard to get there. Good luck :-)

Oh, I LOVE all my inherited stuff (and with my parents and grandparents dead--and a brother who hates antiques--I got a lot). Luckily grandma had excellent taste. She collected early American antiques and shopped at Bergdorf's back in the day (yet wasn't rich and lived in a small town). She has largely defined my adult taste.

(That being said, I got rid of a ton of stuff via tag sales, auction houses, and flea markets.)

parhelia--totally with you on the sheets, old crispy cotton sheets are vastly superior. And I still use my grandparent's wedding towels, amazing!

For the past three years, I've kept my grandfather's stir stick collection tucked away in a box and haven't had the heart to give them away. I've also kept an old sweater of his, a couple of baseball hats, some mugs...

It's a challenge moving on.

yes, ptoo - you are SO right!

i also think you shouldn't get rid of it right away. it gets easier with time to let go of the things you don't absolutely love. imagine you are going to buy a home soon (bigger than your apartment). imagine what you'd like to fill it with - if you see yourself surrounded with those things then don't get rid of them. i think tossing everything will make you regretful later because you're not always going to live in a small apartment and you will think why did i get rid of that. however if it's not meant to be with you, its presence will start annoying you and then it will be easier to part with at a yard sale or to a charity pick up.

i coveted a lot of my grandmother's things but when i brought them into my home, i realized i couldn't live with them and they are gone except for a pasta maker and a pizzelle maker because of course someday i'll make them with my son to continue the tradition. :) yes, they're taking up space, but not that much and i don't see them.

i have very similar stories to you all, hence my mother's attic being full of my grandfather's old furniture!

...just wanted to thank Laure and everyone who commented here for sharing their stories :)

Bless your heart, Laure ... you don't have "clutter," you have wonderful and meaningful things of the sort that many people wished they had in their lives.

Years ago, I so envied my next-door neighbor who served salad from her grandmother's beautiful old bowl and had many other things that had been lovingly handed down through three and even four generations of her family.

You're so lucky that the choice of what to keep and what to get rid of is yours! I had looked forward to the beautiful Wedgwood and other lovely things that had been stored in our basement for many years after my grandparents' apartment on West 96th Street was emptied ... but the minute my father passed away six-and-a-half years ago, my mother sold all of it -- converting every single last thing into cash that she could. (And no, she wasn't desperate for money ... she had several hundred thousand dollars in the bank.) The beautiful painted Italian porcelain plaque that had hung over my aunt's desk was wrapped in a cloth and stored in the bottom drawer of my desk in my old bedroom for decades ... that's yours, my father had promised. After his death, my mother denied any such exchanged had taken place, and told me sternly, "I know my husband, and he would never have agreed to give something away without my knowledge" -- as if he weren't also MY FATHER, and as if handing something down to a family member was equivalent to GIVING IT AWAY!

If it hadn't been for the fact that my dad's cousin had also taken a few things from my grandparents' apartment which she saved FOR ME (including the beautiful Chinese porcelain duck I used to pet as a child whenever I left the apartment), I wouldn't have anything from my grandparents!

Don't feel compelled to give up anything now that you want to hold onto ... in time, the things that can work themselves most meaningfully into your life will make themselves clear, and you'll be able to divest yourself of the rest.

We too are clearing my mother's house out and even split five ways it's a LOT of stuff. We took piles of stuff to Goodwill and similar charities, keeping mostly things that had either strong emotional attachment, current utility and/or that we would choose to put in our homes if we were out shopping today. Like parehelia, we actually took photos of many items we weren't keeping. It helped to know we would be able to still "look" at them whenever we wanted without tripping over them. This was the ideal solution for many things we remembered fondly but that don't work in our current lives. It was a brilliant solution for the ugly or broken things that had figured in some important way in our childhood.

I had read a very helpful suggestion about separation from another AT post -- she took digital pictures of things that she had trouble parting with and loaded them up to her computer. She said that she didn't know why, but it helped her get rid of things. I have yet to do that, but I have a lot of things that my sister had given me over the years and I feel like I'd be betraying her memory by giving them away. I think the pictures will help to cheer me about the thought behind the gifts without feeling weighed down by the physical objects.
But definitely hold on to the things that were involved in activities you did together. If there is still too much for your apt., then rent a small storage space.

I guess I'm lucky - My folks sold their homes and got rid of nearly everything in them when they retired and bought a motorcoach to travel the continent in full-time a few years back.

They asked what I wanted, and I gave a list of a very few things that appealed to me - a small set of Wedgwood china and a couple paintings. Everything else worthwhile (the carpets, furnishings and enormous set of china that they brought back from Portugal, clocks they had custom-made for them in Michigan, artwork, a dining set and other odds and ends) I felt my Sister would appreciate more - and they all look wonderful and get used frequently in her family's home.

When I visit, I help make cookies with my Sis' kids using the chrome mixer that Mom and I used when I was a boy, and I bake cornbread for the family using the cast-iron pan that my grandmother used.

amynyc, I was about to suggest the same thing. I got the idea from the Discardia website (scroll down to the heading "How do you let go of a souvenir without letting go of the time it reminds you of").

The memory is what's precious, not the object, and taking photos or recording the memory in some way can help you send the physical object on to someone else who needs it.

stringy -- this is a terrific link. It also addresses all those 'bad decisions' I've made but have trouble 'fessing up to by giving them away. Thank you.

Laure -- check it out.

My mom passed away nearly four years ago when I was 25. It took awhile for me to sort through all the inherited stuff. If you are able to take your time, then I think it is best to deal with the stuff as part of the grieving process (I've read/heard that the grieving process typically takes a year or two). When a loved one first passes away, it is hard to let anything go as you already have had to deal with letting go of them.

As time passes, I have found it easier to let go of the things that I kept that I'm not using. The stuff that I truly love I use.

I think the turning point for me is when I felt weighed down by all the clutter I had. The stuff that I didn't use had turned into clutter and not memories of my mom. Only then was I able to donate or throw things out. Eventually I had to move forward and not be bogged down with clutter from the past.

When my father died in 1996, I couldn't get rid of a thing. I moved everything to the basement of my rented house and then carted that stuff around from place to place and even across the country. Occasionally I'd get rid of something, but mostly I got rid of my stuff and used my dad's things instead.

I finally got rid of the last thing I don't love just a few months ago when I gave away his antique cow horns on craigslist.

Another idea for dealing with something that is not your style but prompts too many memories: keep a part of the whole. (i.e. keep a piece of china, but not the whole set). If you use that one item as a vase or catchall in a place where it will be seen, you'll end up remembering and enjoying it much more than you will if it's tucked away in a box as part of a set you'll never use. I liked the idea above of making pillows out of hand towels.
If you take pictures of something that prompts a memory with the goal of getting rid of it, take a few minutes and write a note of why it was special to go with the picture. This will mean much more to you and your family members in the years to come than an item that is kept, but the importance of it never discussed. These stories will tell much more about the person who is gone than the "thing" that is kept.

After going through the mess of dealing with a loved ones things, I want to edit my own belonging more than ever before. If I haven't thought about it, seen it, or used it in a year it's gone. So that means I'm keeping my wedding dress, but ditching 10 year old check stubs!

I am drowning in inherited clutter from various family members. Some of the stuff I love because it reminds me of that person, or time spent with them, and some of it because they are beautiful things that someone has loved, and I can't bear to think of them discarded (even if I don't need them).

My progress in reducing the quantity of stuff has been slow, but at risk of being a total hypocrite, these are some things I have found helpful.

Take photos of items - keep them digital or print them and make a journal. Write down the stories that go with them - memories and who has owned them etc. Then give the items away.

Make something you would use out of the item. Make linen into cushion covers or quilts, use pots or cups as vases, planters. Alter clothing. Use glassware as candle holders. Ideas abound on sites like these for ways to refashion and repurpose things. At the very least make sure you use the items, not just keep them as "special" and never used.

Collect items together that you are using the same excuse for keeping, then edit them. Eg, I have a pile of handknits that my mother made me - they are beautiful, and precious reminders of her, but mostly they no longer fit me. Each time i come across one in my wardrobe or a storage box, i cannot bear to let them go. I started a pile of them, and it actually made me laugh how big it was. If i am only keeping them as reminders of her and her devotion to us then I don't need the whole pile. i am keeping one, giving the rest away. Also, when i think about my mother, I really have to admit that she would probably rather her hard work was being worn by someone who needs it, than hiding in my blanket box, so in that way i am keeping another precious memory of her alive as well.

Last idea is to give them away! I find it hard to think of precious things being lost or not valued by others. So give them to people who you know would value them - others who might want also want a reminder of that person, or someone who has tastes more similar to the person you inherited it from. Share the special meaning of the item with them. (this technique is not so good if you have a lot of likeminded friends, you will just end up swapping stuff)

Sometimes your insight or eye for beauty in an item can make others see the value in them, and you can get others (especially relatives) to take care of them for you. (When i helped clear out the belongings of a great aunt of my husband, there were many beautiful items that I couldn't bear to see thrown away and I took home because noone else would. Once I got them home, cleaned up or displayed well, my husbands family started admiring them and seeing the value of them. Actually now that we are getting divorced, I checked with my ex whether his family wanted to make sure he got all these items in his share of the assets. When it came to a bookcase with leadlight doors that I rescued, he refused to let his mother have it back because he said I deserved it because I rescued it when noone else could see any value in it!)