Now that I'm an adult, I can look back at the number of times we moved when I was a kid (a total of twelve or thirteen), and reflect fondly about how each place we lived shaped my character as I was growing up. Having been an Air Force brat, I was privileged to live in countries that most kids had never even heard of, and visit even more.
I stand by my opinion that moving as a child is beneficial to emotional and cultural growth, but as an eight year old, I really just didn't want to be the new kid at school again. No matter how much foresight you have as a parent that your child will be fine a few months after this move, take it from me; that is the last thing they ever want to hear. These tips, however, will help in the process:
1. After you have made the decision (or have been told, in the case of some careers) that you will be moving, be as upfront and honest with your children as possible. Knowledge about the future makes kids feel empowered, secure and also part of the decisions.
2. Be prepared for all types of reactions. Upon hearing the news of our sixth move (to England from Virginia) I choked on my peas in tears at dinner, and my brother started bouncing up and down with excitement. Expect anything.
3. Explain everything in ways your kids can understand. For younger kids, be specific about moving things and people to other destinations in trucks and boxes. For older kids, visit community websites on the internet together to see what's in store for your new hometown.
4. Let your child be emotional. This may take awhile for your kids. School is a tough place, and younger kids will most likely do much better. For preteens or teenagers, starting a new school can be nothing short of excruciating. Try to understand, listen, wipe away tears, and help them remember that one day, they won't be the new kid anymore.
5. Try to get internet and television set up as soon as possible in your new home. I know this sounds silly, but as a kid, regular TV shows and nowadays, social networking, will help your child feel as if they are in a familiar environment. The Simpsons got me through about ten whole years of moving.
6. When in doubt, book an appointment for your child to talk to a therapist. Teenagers especially need to vent, and most of the time, not to their parents.
7. If you're not a mover, teach your kids to treat the "new kid" with kindness and respect. There's nothing scarier than being alone.
Got some to add? I'd love to hear them!
(Image: Me in the red hoodie with my brother, 1984, after third move. Photo by Ronda Wurster)
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As a "mover" I really appreciate this post. We will likely be transferring our family again this year and really appreciate #3, especially. My six year old son's major fears were assuaged when we explained to him in detail how ALL of his toys and things would be transferred to the new home. Also love #7!
I'm an Air Force brat too! Isn't it great? And I lived in England too. When/where were you there? Judging by the photo, we're about the same age.
Number 7 is so important! It's tough to be the new kid. And it's key to remember that there are all kinds of moving. Some kids move into a new house in the same town -- they may get to stay at the same school with same friends, but a new home can still be an adjustment. Ditto for kids who stay in the same house but maybe have to switch schools (districts change or they shift from public to private school, etc). Even if it's not a full location move (new home, town, and school), the changes can be tough on kids. Either way, there are great tips to be had here for all kinds of moves. Great post!
Young children may have surprising beliefs about the way things will work. We were not moving houses, but just moving our 3yo child to a larger bedroom in order to recycle the "little bedroom" as a nursery for his soon-to-arrive sibling. It turned out he expected we would hire carpenters to physically move his room downstairs!
We moved from England TO Virginia - was your dad at TAC or SAC bases, too!?! I threw an absolute tantrum when I found out at age 13 that we were moving from VA to TX. It has been hard for me not having a hometown - glad you are on the positive side about it!!
I resent my mother moving us so often. It wasn't to better or bigger cities; there were moves within San Francisco. I do not have any childhood friends because we always moved into a different district. I remember having made a few really close friends and then my Mom up and move us. I will always remember Genevieve and Anthony when I lived on Treat Street in SF but never stayed in touched after the move..I was only 12 years old. I feel like I missed out.
I think it's also important not to make a huge deal about it before giving your child time to react. Sometimes parents have a way of inflating the issue so their child(ren) feel that a certain type of reaction is necessary or expected.
My parents moved a lot as well. It was really hard and I'm working hard to not have that happen with my kids. We stayed in Los Angeles but moved from Hollywood to Pasadena to Los Feliz and then Hancock Park. Even moving from neighborhood to neighborhood can really disrupt a kids life. I feels like another country if you live just 20 min away by car, to a little kid that's a place you can never walk to again.
I would add that having kids suffer through a week long car trip to you new home, and then again to the NEW new home a few years later is an awful idea. It's incredibly unhealthy for kids to be that inactive for long periods of time. I have no idea what my parents were thinking.
Also, as another AF brat, there was no harder move than when my father retired and we moved to a civilian community that wasn't as accustomed to newcomers. #7 will be incredibly important to me when I have children of my own.
I never moved growing up (my parents still live in that same house) and my husband moved all the time (he attended 6 high schools, which borders on child cruelty to me).
However, I have a suggestion based on my child's friend that moved away: Stay in touch electronically with at least one or two friends (you can help them if they are young). If they are older, Facebook helps them keep in touch (or get back in touch) as they transition.
Knowing that your friends still remember and love you is a great comfort.
Mcross I wish this was FB and I could like your comment. :)
First, I'd like to high-five all of my fellow USAF brats here... AWESOME!
Second, I'd like to suggest that parents should be calm about moving, themselves, to keep the kids feeling like everything will be okay. As you can tell from my first statement, I moved a lot as a kid and I lived in a community where that was the norm. (Especially, apparently, to England, where I lived, too.) Kids I grew up with could pack their bedroom in under 2 hours by the time they were 12. No sweat. Where are we going next?
However, my husband only moved in once in his civilian childhood, yet his parents made such an (out-loud) big deal about how traumatic it MIGHT be on the kids BEFORE the move, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. You would have thought they were relocating to the moon, not 1 state away. This kind of doomsday attitude validates irrational fears that any kid's imagination can run away with when give the suggestion.
Bottom Line: If you keep your cool, your kids won't stress out as much because they'll sense everything is under control.
I suppressed most memories of my childhood moving history until I was a relatively mature adult. In first grade alone, I believe I attended 5 different schools in 3 states. I was too young to discern any "why" and too intimated by my mother to ask her why, ever. She was an early proponent of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Between these frequent moves we would return for a short while to our so-called "home" town where my dad remained. Hooray! But then he died and 2 years later we moved again to another state for the last time.
I have lived in my present house for 30 years and want desperately to move from this city but am afraid to face the moving process alone. I think all the trauma of moving, always attending new schools and leaving any friend I'd made behind, has left me unable to pull up the roots I've established here.
Please, TALK to your kids about it when/if you need to move and offer them some extra support.
oh, I have so many suggestions. here's one: if you can, move between school years. we often moved mid-year which was awfully disorienting, socially and academically. curriculums don't match so you're out of that loop and friendships can be tough to break into, depending on the age group. moving mid-1st and mid-3rd grades was traumatic, but then, I'm also on the introverted side.
also, consider alternatives to public school. I would rather have gone to boarding school than move from Connecticut to North Carolina before my senior year, but it never crossed my mind. in retrospect, I wish I'd just home schooled or "un" schooled.
Wow... this is pretty fascinating.
I never moved as a child, yet desperately wanted to - it seemed so exciting. I've always been more adventurous than the rest of my family. Mom said I was the only 5 year old she'd ever heard of, begging to move somewhere - mostly to town, because I grew up on a working ranch.... town seemed so much more exciting.
Granted, I am very grateful for the amazing childhood that I had.... but I always thought school would be easier if I were the exotic "new girl" rather than the skinny kid with the stupid perm!
I moved 8 times from Gr 1 - 8 and b/c of this have almost no childhood friends. I swore as an adult I wouldn't do this to my own children. I'm still every envious of older friends that have life long friendships.
We moved houses 11 times in my K-12 years (not counting the 4 moves we had before kindergarten.) 8 different schools in 13 years. Having to make a new set of friends every time is not fun. Having to test into the higher classes every time is not fun. I'm still pretty bitter about the whole thing. I've been on my own now for the same amount of time I was in my parents house. It seems like the more distance I get from it, the more clearly I can see it for what it was. I would never, ever do that to a kid. Every time you sign up for a new account you have no secret answers to things like "what street did you grow up on?" or "who was your best friend growing up?" I dunno some kid on some street... until we had to move again.
Perfect timing, thanks for this! We're moving our family back from Australia to America. Both of our sons, 3 and 1, were born here so don't know America & we're lucky that they're too young to totally "get it," but we're still trying to keep them in the loop on why everything is changing & why our house is such a mess & most importantly, why Mama & Dada are acting so batty all the time. Really love this advice & am enjoying reading all the comments - keep them coming, I need as much help as possible.
I remember when I was 7, my (now) best friend came to visit our church before her family moved to our town. They would drive the 2 hours to our town on Sundays for the month leading up to the move so their kids could acclimate to at least some part of their future life before arriving.
Because of their trips to church, I was excited to have my new friend start at my school, and she and her brother had a much easier time transitioning, despite both being wildly shy.
I'd recommend something similar, if at all possible (obviously not an option for moving across the country, etc.)
Pictures. We bought a larger place when our daughter was not yet two. There was 6 months between buying and taking ownership. We made a video of all the rooms and the yard and street. Before we moved she asked to watch it again and again especially the part with her bedroom.
I have mentioned this to other parents. Some who were moving out of town were able to take pictures of not only the new dwelling but also the school, street, skateboard park, church, favourite chain restaurant etc.
We're planning a move & have been talking about it. Our 4 yr old was very uncomfortable w/ the idea. Upon further discussion, she thought we were leaving our home to live nowhere, no other home. After she got comfortable with the idea of leaving this house for another (better) home with more yard, she wanted to make sure we were bringing Daddy!
Ha! ClickChick, Me too! Grew up on a farm in a small town in Virginia that my family has lived in since the 1600's. I couldn't wait to leave that town. Now, I'd love to get back & give my kids that childhood. Horses, rabbits, swimming in the river, boating & roaming 90 acres as freely as I chose!
I was an Air Force brat too! And I also spent time in England! My dad was an exchange officer with the RAF though, so we ended up living in a small English village for three and a half years instead of on an actual base (although technically we were stationed out of RAF Fairford). To be honest, the move to England was much easier than the move back. I was nine when we moved from Ogden, UT (where I was a minority of the non-Mormon variety) to Thornbury, a small village near Bristol. The move back to the US (to Tucson, AZ to be specific), when I was thirteen and in between 7th and 8th grade was much worse. I missed my friends, I stood out like a sore thumb at my new school, and was way behind in the one subject I had always excelled in (math). However, I eventually found an amazing group of friends who I remain in touch with to this day.
If I could any advice to any parents preparing their own children for a move, it would be to realize that the ramifications of a major move extend far beyond the 3-4 month "moving period". In retrospect, I think #6 might be the best piece of advice on the list. As close as I always was with my parents, as a "good" kid I was often to reserved and "responsible" to vocalize the way I really felt about all of the moving. Plus, I'm a firm believer that every teenager, even the really together ones, could use a session or two with a therapist from time to time.
I moved (apparently like many others) from England to Virginia too!!! Twice! I lived there in the early 90's then in early 2000's. I actually think I enjoyed moving. Once since I wasn't thrilled with my circle of friends and would be glad for the change. Plus in a DoDDS school all the kids are 'new kids' so it was fine.
DoDDs! Never thought I'd hear that again! @norainapeartree, I was at RAF Alconbury and Woodbridge. And YES, @cactusnel, the move back was much harder.
I'm 19 years old now and i moved 7 times. I like your post! It's hard to leave your friends, i don't have much childhood friends, because between my 6th and 10th birthday i moved 4 times.. BUT - i'm living ;)
(Sorry for my English - i am from austria)
I am only 26, but I've never lived anywhere for more than 8 years, and being a shy child, I haven't kept any of my childhood friends. My younger sister is a social butterfly and has made and kept all of her friends with no problems, she enjoys change. I think it really depends on the child. Because I was older, moving was excruciating and being the "new kid" where everyone else had gone to kindergarten with each other was lonely. I appreciate the different states I've lived in, and have wonderful memories of my childhood once I got settled and it DEFINITELY makes me feel closer to my family since we all experienced it together. I just don't feel as though I have a "hometown"... is it my place of birth(3 years)? our first home (6 years)? where I started highschool(6 years)? or where I made my best friends and went to college(8 years)? OR is it this crazy southern state where I met my soon-to-be husband and now deal with year round humidity(3 years)?!?!
Definitely talk to your children, and allow them to express their feelings on the matter.
@AndiePowers: I was at Alconbury too! When were you there? We lived on base, and I went to the Jr. High for 7th and part of 8th, 95/96 school year and 96/97 school year. Before that we were at Upwood and lived in Sawtry, 1993-1997.
@NORAINAPEARTREE I was there for 5th/6th grades in 92-94. Just missed me!
I really appreciate this post. Thank you!
Any other Oil Brats out there? My family moved essentially every 2 years and yes, I would sulk and act like, well, a brat - but I adapted and now I couldn't be more grateful for the way I grew up and hope to be able to give my children the same experience.
It does stick with you though - the moving bug. After my first 2 years of college I was itching to move somewhere new so I've moved to England for a semester. Moving has taught me so many lessons and given me such a unique outlook on life and other people that I would happily go through all the tears and packing again to be able to have all the incredible memories I have.