I've been thinking about walls lately. Walls hold up our roofs, they give us privacy, protection and are an indispensable part of our home. As Robert Frost quoted his neighbor, while mending their shared stone wall: "Good fences make good neighbors." They give us boundaries and divide us. Sometimes we need this.
I've always said that our home is just an extension of ourselves; that's why "apartment therapy" is just that, "therapy." When you work on your home, you are working on yourself.
But walls are rarely lovable. And sometimes our walls are too high and too thick, and rather than support us they imprison us. We know this too.
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it, And spills the upper boulders in the sun, And makes gaps even two can pass abreast."
Why do we build walls? When are they too much?
When we've been very hurt, when we've been very wounded, we protect ourselves and we build walls to keep the world at a safe distance. We don't want to feel the pain anymore. These walls are like armor, which eventually imprison the softness of the heart, and we become more fearful, hardened and alienated.*
When you meet someone with thick walls defending a great wound you can often feel it. They are hard to reach, hard to connect to, hard to communicate with. They are defensive. Perhaps you argue or fight. There never seems to be a shared understanding. They go away from you.
"I see him there Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed. He moves in darkness as it seems to me ~ Not of woods only and the shade of trees. "
Or maybe this is you. When you meet people you feel like people don't understand you and are often unkind. You feel threatened and seek to get away. You crave peace and quiet. You want to be alone or with the few people in the world who really understand you.
But you become more and more separate and the walls grow into a prison.
How do we bring down our own walls, open our house back up and let in the warm spring sun?
There is only one way.
Our hearts have to break.
Maybe your father dies.
Maybe you fall very sick.
Maybe someone leaves you.
Maybe you can't have a baby.
Maybe you just witness someone else who is really suffering.
There are a million opportunities to witness pain, but we keep them as far away as possible generally. I have.
When we allow ourselves to sit with the pain that wants to break our heart, when we breathe in pain, the sheer heat and discomfort melts our walls. It's almost as if instead of holding back the fire, we burn our house down to the ground. But gradually, we soften up and our walls and the heavy, creaking armor don't seem so big and strong.
When this happens, a tension dissolves, and we breathe deeply again. "A kindness and a tenderness begin to emerge." We no longer want to run away. We begin to feel connected to all those around us. We feel compassion and understanding. We begin to feel unfathomable love.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him, But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather He said it for himself.
Unlike in our real house, when we melt our own walls we do not discover that our roof falls in. On the contrary, our entire being opens up to the world again, and the sun comes streaming in.
Related Post: How I Learned to Stop Trying So Hard & Love the Garden
*Many of my thoughts and the words here are drawn from Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart. All the block quotes are from Robert Frost's Mending Wall.
(Images: Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan - Top two @ Shaker House and bottom one @ Turkey)
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This made me think of Brene Brown's TED talk about her research on vulnerability.
High wisdom! High wisdom! Thank you!
It was heartbreak that made me build walls in the first place.
Deep. Thanks.
This is interesting given that I just read the joys and drawbacks of living solo and some of the comments. I don't live solo, but I so crave privacy. I've always loved the Robert Frost quote on good fences and agree. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that quote from the wife of a neighbor (I felt that someone was at least on the same page) when they approached us about replacing a fence between our property. Our property borders 4 different homes and each section of fence was erected at different times. I actually wish the fences were more uniform and on their side higher, given the retaining wall. I really don't want to see their backyards or spaces.
It is not that I'm anti-social, although I am discerning and I have every right to be and to decide for myself who I choose to associate with or not. We don't always have this type of luxury when we have to earn a living and work with and for others (I don't get to choose everyone that is hired in a company). That is why I so savor my privacy and solitude, when I don't have to cope and deal with the incessant demands and bottomless neediness of other people. We all need those places to recharge and to self-nurture, so those walls do not feel like a prison to me. In fact, just the opposite as they create a welcome sanctuary. I recognize the meaning of this post, but for me and where I'm at right now I'm feeling just the opposite--I'm enjoying the beauty of walls, appreciating them for what they are and I'm still building and loving them. Self-protection is a very good thing.
It's amazing what being vulnerable can do to a person. I've had my heart broken. When it happened, I reached out. I reached out to family, friends, acquaintances who had asked how my day was...and it worked!! And of course the heartbreak hurt, and I was angry, but I chose to concentrate on the love and the kindness that I was receiving from the other people in my life. So, instead of feeling the need to put up walls, I was reminded of how thoughtful and compassionate people can be.
Very nice post by GardenMuse, and I agree 100%.
When I moved into my current house, I waited about 2 days and then I approached my neighbours (on both sides) because I needed to build a fence as I have 2 greyhounds. At the back, the property behind me had wood fence so fortunately, I had to only erect the fence on two longer sides and put gates on each side of the house.
My neighbours on the right side turned out to be total a-holes. It was an owner of the house and his renter (and the renter made about 10x more fuss about it than the owner, although the owner contributed his fair share of fuss, too). I assured them that the fence will be a few inches into my property (and I did not even ask anyone to share the cost with me) and still they were not happy about it.
My neighbours on the other side, a retired couple, were so nice. There was very low retaining wall between our two properties (the street it sloping down somewhat) and although technically the property line was about half a foot past the retaining wall into my side (who know who had built that useless wall) and there was tree futher down, right on the property line, they encouraged me to erect the fence right on top of the retaining wall and around the tree on their side because this solution was what made most sense from the point of the terrain so it was actually them who lost a few inches. They said "who cares about a few inches" (well, many people would take me to court for a few inches).
The neigbhour with the renter made my life a living hell for 2+ years (extremely loud parties till early a.m., etc.). The owner was less bad on his own (the renter was the cause of all problems) but I had no intentions of socializing with him because I had heard a lot about him and he basically drove the orig. owner of my house into selling the property and moving elsewhere. Even though my fence was only a chain link fence, I was grateful for the line that it drew between us. I was relieved when he put the house up for sale after 2.5 years or so and I have decent neighbours on both sides.
You should read that Frost poem again because the narration doesn't support what the neighbor says about fences.
Good readers make good neighbors.
@tm444 - It *is* possible to emerge from the very depth of despair. Guaranteed. The most essential thing is persistence is searching for the right support and then persistence in learning from that support system. The fact that you posted here is an indication that you haven't lost all hope. There is goodness, joy, and change out there. I wish you well.
Holy cow! Nice post.
For TM444-Many of us at some point in our lives have had to deal with depression, big problems, or very hard moments in life. I am not the exception. But, yes, as Ellabee expressed, it is possible to emerge from the depths of despair. Sometimes what we take for rejection is more in our minds than in reality. I admire your courage to express your thoughts. You are also very articulate, intelligent, and have great ideas, by what can be read in your previous comments. Do not despair. Rise. You have the power and the mind to do it. Reach out. Wish you the best.
It's funny how people who are hurt build walls and argue with the norm to protect themselves, I am one who does this often and while I cannot see the benefit, it's still hard to avoid doing. It's easier to push people away from the beginning, than to let them in close to your heart and hurt you. Doing so though, you virtually never find life long companions.
@Canadianmango: So sorry to hear that you had to deal with such difficult neighbors. I've had my share of very unpleasant dealings too and that is why I'm all for building "good fences".
I tend to appreciate neighbors who keep to themselves. I avoid most of my neighbors because when we first moved here we had experiences that I wouldn't wish on anyone--experiences too involved to get into here. It creates too much stress. More than a few neighbors were singularly unpleasant, and I'm being generous with that assessment, so I see wisdom in keeping to oneself. I'm certain some people may see me as being unfriendly, but I have good reasons for avoiding people. Life can be difficult enough, without the added burden of having to cope with difficult contentious neighbors. If you like where you live and want to stay in your home and community it's probably wise to avoid potential conflicts. It's sad that this is how it is, but that is the reality. I'm glad that your neighbors are better now.
Makuto: "Sometimes what we take for rejection is more in our minds than in reality."
A truer word was never spoken. I may have lost a 20-year-long friendship over the weekend, through imagined rejection. The imagining was done by me. It's an extremely self-destructive personality trait.
TM444: I agree with some of the other posters here too and you can emerge from the depths of despair. I'm not the exception either, and it's so true that many of us have had to deal with depression and our share of big problems--so often they seem overwhelming, but we manage to pull through. Please take heart and I'd encourage you to search for the right support too.
NOFROSTFAN is right. That is totally not what the poem says at all. I prefer my neighbors to have reading comprehension skills. Frost meant that boundaries alienate people from each other and that it is a good idea to think for ourselves instead of passing on past wisdom that might not hold up to experience.
His poems aren't very good if you read them literally instead of ironically.
@NOFROSTFAN: I agree. I think that Frost was being ironic and a bit sad that fences had to be built between their large properties because his neighbor didn't trust him.
The language, the images, and the thoughts expressed here, both in the text and in the comments.... WOW.
I'd absolutely love to see more posts like this.
Beautiful thought-provoking post!
It made me think not just of myself but of several people I know & love who struggle with the walls they've built around them, either through choice or circumstance. I've learned in the past couple years to recognise that, oh! This person isn't actually mean or distant, but they have a hard time tearing down their walls. When someone like this eventually begins opening themselves to me, I realise it's an honor to be so trusted, and it is the first way they know how to show love for you. I'm in a transitional point in my life (going thru a divorce) and I'm trying very hard to be self-aware and not build thick walls around myself. It can be hard to let people in your life when you're scared and vulnerable but it's those time you need others the most.
I am about to build a literal fence to separate our backyard from the neighbor's, and am keenly aware of the metaphorical wall that it will put into place. I think in the end, both sides will appreciate the privacy (very small, city yards with just a chain link separating at the moment.) Even though the backyard neighbors are renters - in fact, a half-way house of sorts where the smokers hang out all day - I still believe in being a good neighbor. I do look forward to feeling like I can hang out in my own backyard, though.
What's important is respecting people's 'walls' or boundaries. It could also be cultural - in some cultures, it's perfectly normal to turn up at someone's home uninvited and expect to be treated hospitably. This is how we are, and our front door is always (often literally) open. My partner feels upset if this openness is not reciprocated, but everyone's different.
Nofrostfan & SSA. Cole, you're right about the need for reading comprehension, but I think it's more your comprehension that needs work. This essay does quote Frost's neighbor at the begining, and his neighbor has a point - good fences do make good neighbors, in a way. We most often keep our fences around us in order to coexist politely without bothering each other. Being neighborly often has to do with keeping space between people, with being quiet, with not encroaching or trespassing on another's feelings or sensitivities (or hearing, as the case may be). But the rest of Maxwell's post talks about the very point Frost makes, and the quotes he uses are from the rest of that famous poem. The walls people put up are often walls of defense. They hide hurts or fears that are dark and deep and keep people from opening themselves up to experiences and to relationships that are not superficially "neighborly," but real. Breaking down the fence is precisely what Maxwell is talking about here, and it's what Frost was talking about as well.
Great post, Maxwell. It reached me on a day when I needed to read it.
Wow. Pretty timely. Just literally bought a little bungalow that just so happens to be missing most of her wall in front, making it pretty exposed to the street. It's my first project on the list and what I thought was a pretty simple deal has turned out to be lot more involved that I first thought (cost, permit, design-wise.) I was literally sitting down to get some inspiration and saw this post. As a single person who bought this with an intention of getting into something more "family and community friendly" and dealing with some of the trepidation this step entails, this is a fascinating post and I find it no accident that I ended up somewhere giving me the opportunity to contemplate and happily create this for myself. Great post! ;}
Thank you for this - it is timely for so many of us. The combination of poetry and photography along with your thoughtful words is really perfect, conveying the intention directly and indirectly. I particularly appreciate that you gave so much space to ideas that are not about selling a product, but rather about living one's life and being conscious. With gratitude, Erin
Very heartfelt, and lovely the way you integrated the elemental Frost poem. Thank you Maxwell.
My new neighbor (10 years ago) with a degree in horticulture, took down a jointly owned fence (without discussion) and incorporated her garden into the 82 foot long stone wall I had built by the fence on my property. Years went by. Anger simmered. She refused to rebuild the fence even if we paid for it. New dog entered the picture. He kept flying over that stone wall to poop in my garden. Enough. One last warning about keeping her dog on her property. She finally built the fence. Acrimony still exists. Crazy stuff. A neighborly solution could have been reached long ago. Rather simply.
it's always something when you have neighbors. i have managed a friendly split-cost rebuilding of one fence that was rotting away. i too have a sighthound and needed a tall fence (6 foot limit here), so that worked out. another neighbor, after years of an old fence about 3 feet high along the sidewalk, just tore that down and installed a very tall fence and a high solid gate with a keyed lock. this tends to make his house look like a fortress and is somewhat off-putting. and we are deprived of the fragrant plants that peeked over the previous fence. he can't be bothered with gardening. there is only so much each of us has control over.
@crabsnest
My father was bipolar and suffered from the deep despair that comes with being socially ostracized. I hear your pain. I've had difficult neighbors and it isn't fun to be the one to call them on their behavior-they included one who allowed their child to destroy my garden and another who had large parties that we were not invited to that spilled onto our property. And then their kids destroyed my side lawn and broke my windows playing basketball. In retrospect I would have been better off erecting a fence or planting a hedge as soon as we moved in to make the boundaries clear.
This article makes me think. I definitely keep to myself and will engage in small talk or say hello to a neighbor, but not interested in establishing a friendship with any of them. Are these walls are just a product of being an introvert.
Thanks for a really great read, the article and the comments, especially agree with @Kiera - well said.
I just love these meditative posts here lately. I really do have to read and re-read stuff like this to center my mind each day. I am a former therapist and current special education teacher in harlem, nyc, and getting myself (read: dragging myself) to work each day is a challenge. I think at the root of it, I want to just avoid witnessing so much suffering and pain. Great post and great reminder to me that it's okay for my heart to break a little each day. Thanks.
"When you work on your home, you are working on yourself."
Out of your entire post - oh, and the line about the need to have your heart break in order for change to take place (at least that is how I'm interpreting it) - the work on home/work on yourself line has come and taken a seat in my heart. Thank you.
A little over three years ago I inherited a house (and everything in it that lived there for 40+ plus years. The keepings of someone else's marriage, their travels, photographs, ephemera, kitchen tools, clothing, sewing kit, etc.). My benefactors had no children and, sadly, no remaining relatives. I was out of work at the time, and moving the half hour into new territory and a new home was exactly the adventure I could manage. Or so I believed.
We, Coob (chip off the old block, my 'tween' daughter) and I, moved their things around to make room for ourselves, then we stopped. Really, I stopped. And stopping allowed overwhelm to move in with me and despite all I imagine and want to change and do, I have been stalled in that house for the better part of three years. I have been afraid to get rid of their things, their belongings, in essence their life. Who will know them if their things are gone? It is paralyzing.
None of this has amounted to me working on either the house nor myself. We, the house and I, are both frozen. But not for much longer... today, I'm beginning to thaw with hope.
Work on the house = work on yourself.
Thank you :)
Calls to mind these lines from 17th c. poet Mizuta Masahide,
"Barn's burned down, Now I can see the moon"
I think this is a great post, just not sure it belongs alongside design and decorating articles. Look at all the 'agony column' replies, nothing to do with how to fix your design problems or what color to paint your stairs. Just saying.
It has everything to do with how to fix your design problems. Read it again:
"When you work on your home, you are working on yourself."
You can design a space that welcomes guests, family and your own self, or you can design one that's hostile. One that frees your soul, or one that freezes it.
What a great post to find! I originally made the jump just so that I could rage against the constant misquoting of that poem, but then I was caught by the insightful metaphors of fences and walls. Just what I needed tonight. Thank you!
Thank-you for this post, there is much to ponder here. "They go away from you." I know this feeling.
For those who must build metaphorical walls and fences, always include a door or gate. Eventually, there will be someone who is safe and worthy to let in.