A couple of weeks ago I flew home to attend my younger brother's college graduation. As we talked about college memories and finally being out, I asked him what his plans were after graduation. While looking over his shoulder, he told me that he was moving back home and "finding a job is going to be his full-time job."
Young adults move home to help pay off school loans, save for a down payment on a house, or just to get ahead financially, but it is important to develop new adult relationships with parents and look at the relationship as more of a partnership vs. one person taking care of another person.
Expectations change when a kid becomes an adult and grown children are excepted to work full-time and contribute to the financial well-being of the household. Moving back in with parents can be a blow to ones ego; however, it can be a situation where everyone involved can win.
- Discuss Household Expenses: Within the first week of moving back, initiate the conversation regarding household expenses. It is important to know what the monthly expenses are and how much each person is going to contribute. You may decide that you want to split the bills 50% or each person pays a certain bill. Either way, if everyone knows upfront their responsibility in regard to the household bills, there is no confusion when the bill comes due.
- Share Dining Expenses: As a child we are accustomed to our parents paying the bill at the restaurant. However, as a responsible adult it is considerate to rotate who buys dinner.
- Purchase Items on the Grocery/Household List: Technically it may be another household members responsibility to purchase the groceries; however, it is helpful to pick up a few items on the grocery list when needed. Working together as a team will ensure that the household runs smoothly.
- Be Conscious of Forgotten Expenses: As an adult, we start to experience first-hand the many smaller bills that accumulate in a month. Turning off the lights, taking shorter showers, and unplugging electronics helps keep the often forgotten expenses within the budget.
- Set Financial Goals: Even though parents may be excited about the extra bonding time with their children, everyone generally assumes the move is temporary. Parents are more motivated to help out financially if they know there is a plan. Set a move out date and discuss goals for paying off debt.
If everyone works together, the household as a whole can meet financial goals. I would love to hear any other suggestions that worked for a smooth transition.
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I'm semi-interested in a similar topic as someone who is soon to be imposed upon.
My 18yr old sister (still in college) is moving in with me in the fall and although I had no intention of charging her anything coworkers disagreed.
-Should I impose a nominal fee? Show her the regular bills and ask for 5%?
-Set some responsibilities/chores?
-Spell out considerations that selfish teenagers might not notice? ( don't drink all the milk without notifying me, Don't forget to clean your hair out of the drain?)
-How do I make up house rules? (Boyfriends need to sleep in spare rooms? If not coming home send a text by 11?)
While this is a clear set time-line the whole starting with ground rules seems like a good idea, but I need a guide-book!
Depends on the parent's finances, but the best practice among my parent's friends is to put together some sort of monthly payment, that then gets "rebated" to the child when they move out.
Having someone outside the family to be able to talk finances with the child helps, too. In our case, this is a woman who was my Girl Scout leader and is a real estate broker. She gets an enormous amount of business when her ex-scouts and their friends go to buy houses or look for apartments.
My parents were EXTREMELY generous when I moved back home. I graduated in 2008 (right when the job market really started to sour). They let me move back, no rent, no bills (they even paid for my car and health insurance!). I did get a part time job at Bed, Bath, Beyond a week after graduation while looked for more permanent work, which I found in January 2009. They continued to let me stay rent and bill free until I moved out in July 2009 (but I did pay for all my furniture/deposits/moving expenses). I did do all the laundry, much of the cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping without any prodding.
I don't think being this generous will work for everyone. My parents could tell unemployment was really wearing on me, that I wanted nothing more to become independent as quickly as possible. I also never asked for money in college except for help with some books and I don't ask for money now, so maybe that factored into them letting me stay at no cost. Also, they got to claim as a dependent on their taxes for two years.
Laurie--
If you don't make your sister aware that she has responsibilites to you and herself in exchange for the privilidge of living in your home - You're not only doing yourself a disservice, but her as well.
Now those responsibilites don't necessarily have to be monetary - They could be as simple as:
"If you are attending school and getting at least "B"s, are helping with the housework, and abiding by my house rules which including being in by Midnight, having no overnight visitors, zero drug use, no drinking in excess or on school nights, and cover your own cellphone bill - Then you can live here for free. If you break any of these rules, there will be appropriate consequences."
If that sounds "Mean" - it's really not.
I moved in with my aunt in November 2007 as a 26-year-old in order to pay down debt and save money to buy a house. We slowly worked out expenses -- in the end, I paid the electric bill every month. We bought our own food, but frequently cooked for each other. A big way I "paid" my way in the house was cleaning and caring for the dogs when my aunt was out of town on business. I moved out in August 2009 when I purchased my house and my aunt was sad to see me go.
I'm living with my mom right now and I actually try to pay more than she wants me to pay. I've offered to take over my car insurance and cell phone bills, but since we and my sisters are all the same plans, she says it's easier just to pay for it til I move out and I can just save up money. Of the house bills, I do pay the electric and toll road bill. She does the major grocery shopping, but I tend to stop several times a week to pic up food and such. But money tends to flow pretty freely between me, my mom and sisters. If one needs help or has some cash or we're out and one of us is broke, we just pay for it. It all tends to even out without us even trying.
The dining expenses are something you just have to start thinking about. It's not that you want them to pay for it, it's just been that way for so long and my mom is usually willing to pay. But when I started making money, I wanted to pay, so I consciously do it. It's nice to be able to take you parent out for a meal so they don't have to worry about the money.
Laurie, yes, yes, yes and yes. You're sister is only 18, so she's even younger and less mature than kids moving back from college. Plus, this is her first taste of freedom (I'm guessing), so she's gonna want to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. You need to set some ground rules. If she has a bathroom of her own, tell her it needs to be cleaned once every week or whatever. Tell her she can empty the dishwasher. Stuff like that. You could charge her a percentage or make her responsible for a bill or two (even if it's small stuff like water and garbage, some groceries). Let her know house rules before she moves in. If she doesn't like it, she can live elsewhere. Maybe post them on the fridge for a few weeks. Just let her know your expectations ahead of time so you aren't constantly fighting.
I've lived at home off and on after college for various reasons (looking for a job; nursing a parent) but I sat down with my parents before I moved back to set up ground rules, divide household tasks, and figure out a monthly rent. I took on most of the housework, some yard work, and errands. My parents were fairly lenient about a lot of things so I made sure that I stuck to my side of the deal and tried to do extra tasks where possible. It drive me crazy when people act like their parents' (or siblings) home is a hotel and treat the rest of the family like servants.
Very interesting article, Marcia - and very timely, given the number of young people having to move back in with parents due to financial pressures.
I am a Certified Family Mediator in New York City and perform mediations for families all over the country via internet and teleconferencing. In my practice working with families in transition - particularly in cases where older kids are moving back home with their parents - people tend to quickly revert back to old roles and old, negative patterns of behavior. One way that I've helped families to move forward on a more positive track is to pull everyone together and assist them in drafting an agreement that lays out everyones' expectations right up front. This could include expectations around shared expenses, length of stay, shared labor such as cooking and cleaning, and expectations around socializing (like visits with friends and dating). I've witnessed that when everyone comes together to negotiate an adult agreement AS adults, the entire dynamic begins to shift. People begin to treat and respect one another as peers. The changes are both positive and powerful and extend well beyond the temporary move-in.
Petra Maxwell - Mediation.Line (phm415@gmail.com)
pmaxw00 - thank you for sharing your expert advice and experience
Right now my newborn baby, my husband and me all live with my mom right now. We do pay her rent of $600 but that is for two rooms and includes all utilities. It is not easy. It does help us both financially. Her boyfriend of 13 years recently left and so she needed help with the mortgage, and since I am in school full time right now, we are living off only my husbands income. I actually think the hardest part of living with a parent again is the cleaning. There is no way I want to tell my mom, "hey, I have been cleaning the kitchen a lot, can you maybe help out?" not going to happen. So I resent her for not cleaning more, and I'm sure she thinks the same thing. It is hard for my mom to see me as an adult even though I am 27 years old!
Laurie - Depending on if your sister is working, you could assign her a smaller utility bill to pay. Or if she isn't working then certain household chores you expect her to do. On the boyfriend thing, it is your house your rules type of situation...so she shouldn't get offended if you ask her not to have male overnight guests. Cleaning up after herself and making sure she makes a note of things that get used up (ex: milk) as well as picking up necessary groceries at least occasionally.
Even though they make more $ (they're dinks), my late 20something inlaws always get the parental units to pay for dinner out...never offer to pay, even for birthdays. Is this common practice in America...
When I briefly lived at home after college, my parents would have found the idea of me paying them insulting. I certainly contributed -- helping to cook and clean -- but for them the compensation was having some extended one-on-one time with me before I really moved on with my life. I'm lucky they have the resources to do so and that we have a relationship with that kind of trust.
I have, though, known more than one person for whom that would have been an enabling act -- allowing them to procrastinate growing up and fending for themselves. For those who are struggling to find a path, pick a career, or manage their own life, creating goals and financial responsibilities is a fantastic way to show them that they are capable of doing it for themselves.
Laurie: this all depends on your relationship with your sister. If you're financially able and are doing this "out of the goodness of your heart" and don't think she needs to pay, then don't charge her rent. I would expect some help with groceries and household cleaning items (laundry detergent, etc...). I lived with my parents for a spell right after college, and although I didn't pay rent, I did buy dinner for my parents every so often, and I paid for the cleaning service every 2 weeks, and if I was picking up my drycleaning, I'd pick up theirs, too, and pick up the tab for it.
Insofar as other house rules are concerned, if you don't want male overnight guests, then there are no male overnight guests. She is staying in your house, and if those are the rules, then they're the rules. I would broach the subject in a nonconfrontational manner (not, "Okay, here are the rules, now obey them"), since she is your sister, and tell her that, for instance, you're not comfortable with the idea of male guests overnight, and that they'll have to stay in another room if they do come over; you'd appreciate it if she'd call when she's not coming home, etc... This conversation needs to happen before she moves in!!!
And it's perfectly okay to say, "You're going to be helping make messes in the house, so you get to help clean them up." It could be just as simple as her washing her own dishes, her own bathroom, her own laundry, etc. or you could split up the chores (she does them one week, you do them the next, etc...) When I lived with my parents, if my mom cooked dinner, I did the dishes to clean up. It will depend on what approach is best for your situation, and it might take some time living together to figure out how this will work best. If an initial approach doesn't work, suggest you try another one.
Part of helping her to become a responsible adult is teaching her to live like a responsible adult: considerate of your housemate(s) and taking ownership of your expenses and obligations to the household.
Nothing to contribute but I do want to know what show/movie starred Hugh Laurie, Anna Chancellor and Benedict Cumberpatch?
@Bridget212323
It wasn't a movie.
It was the short-lived BBC television series "Fourty-Something"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0370139/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortysomething_(TV_series)
Thanks - will have to track it down....
"... it is important to develop new adult relationships with parents and look at the relationship as more of a partnership vs. one person taking care of another person."
I don't see living with a parent free of charge as taking something from someone else. In fact, in my own experience, it was definitely a partnership because my parents didn't want me going through the first couple of years of post-college life with a large amount of student loans and no savings. I didn't need to pay them rent or setup a chore schedule to teach me responsibility. I was already a responsible person and I just needed a way to get started so I didn't struggle. My parents were able to help, they encouraged me to put the bulk of my salary towards savings and paying down my student, and everything turned out okay. In fact, they were sad to see me go when I was finally able to move out.
@Laurie, I think a conversation about mutual expectations is more reasonable than a rules list. She's your sister, not your daughter--though I don't know your age difference or relationship, that may be the usual dynamic between you. But I think it will be better for the relationship if you give her a chance to volunteer to empty the dishwasher and share bathroom cleaning duties and to admit that her boyfriend probably shouldn't sleep over.
That also lets it feel like a negotiation, and that you're giving her some say and giving some ground, even if you end up negotiating into what you originally intend. If she says "yes boyfriend sleeps with me" you can concede, "not in the same room, but in the guest room" if that's your comfort line. You're so generous and reasonable! Everyone wins!
I don't think there are any hard and fast rules for this situation, beyond doing what works for your family.
I do think it's nice to give new grads a window before charging rent. My parents bribed me with free rent to move back to my home town after college. I found a place of my own about 9 months later. Towards the end there my dad started feeling nervous about whether he should start charging rent, and whether I was learning enough responsibility.
But in the years after that my parents were thrilled to have me move back a few times rent-free. They liked having me around and weren't worried about me learning to be responsible. I would buy my own food and we'd share, but otherwise they just kept paying their regular mortgage and bills. Oh yeah, and I had to buy a six-pack of good beer for Friday or Saturday "happy hour" once a week, and my dad called that my rent. They didn't want help--the whole point was for me to save for my next endeavor. And of course I took much more care to ask before using their things and I cleaned up after myself.
I think the big thing is that in any of these situations, everyone needs to be on the same page. The anticipated length of stay should be clear -- even if it's "until I save enough money for my own place". The money business needs to be clear. (If I were an 18-year-old used to being supported, I might not even THINK about how much extra it would cost my sister to have me in her home -- so TELL her! Nicely, but clearly.)
Unclear expectations on either side lead to festering resentment and/or fights. People may feel really altruistic before the fact, but once in the situation, it's very easy for the whole thing to become a big mess.
I'd try to handle it much as any other "roommate" scenario, as much as possible. Live your own life, carry your own weight, pay your own expenses.
One way to handle the idea of charging money from family members is to put their monthly payment into a separate bank account and use it as needed to cover increases in electric bills, food, laundry, etc. If the actual costs are less, the money can build up and be returned to the sister/child/whomever toward their own place later on -- kind of an enforced savings plan.
thank god i never had to go through this! got a job before i graduated. i feel lucky lucky lucky.
My husband and I lived with my mom when we moved back home from college and were looking for jobs and a new place. We were there for four months. She didn't want any rent, but my husband would help with things around the house, taking out the trash, helping with repairs and heavy objects, etc. We would also buy lots of groceries for the house. We tried to keep our use of the utilities to a minimum, and we got her a really nice gift for Mother's Day. I think my mom was happy to have company...my younger brother is never around and doesn't help her with anything or spend time with her. I actually felt kinda bad leaving once we moved out.
We DID have a period of frustration though getting re-used to my mom's habits...she's a neatnik and was constantly moving my things around and putting things "away" so I couldn't find anything. At first it grated on my nerves a lot but I just got used to it after a while.
You all should come to Italy, were 40-year-old still live with their parents, spend all their money on trivial stuff and never grow up.
Oh, and when 30 year old men want to move in with their girlfriend, their mother says "Why?! She can't clean and cook as well as me".
I have never had to move back home since I left Uni but my 29 year old brother still lives at home with my Dad and has done since he dropped out of Uni after the first year (he has always worked fulltime though, he isn't a waster by any means).
I don't know how they manage expenses and suchlike - I think he pays rent and something towards bills. Otherwise they live much like housemates as far as I can tell. They never know where the other one is, and they don't pass on messages :-) Seems to work just fine! Sometimes I get momentarily jealous when I think about the financial differences in the help my parents have given him (nearly a decade of living with them v me moving out essentially when I went to Uni, and them supporting him almost totally when he was job-hunting and then not earning a huge amount) but then I wouldn't want to go home, it would drive me nuts after having my own place with my GF. He does have an awful lot more spending money than I do even though we earn a similar amount, and he doesn't help much with big household chores like gardening or maintenance so I guess that's a definite benefit of not owning a house.
toast -- I don't think it is common practice in the U.S. since I live here and I always always offer to at least help pay or pay my way unless it's my birthday or anniversary or something and I was already informed whomever I'm with wanted to pay my way.
I don't think it would be wrong of Laurie to mention to her sister what she expects before she moves in. If she doesn't like guys in the house at night, that is the rule - but that probably would only work if it went both ways. It should be handled as a roommate situation with probably Laurie getting the most bills to pay. Anything else should be halved...and a phone call if she isn't going to be home that night/going to be in very late should be expected well because I'd expect that from my fiance.
Laurie— in my view, it is perfectly reasonable to lay out your expectations before your sister moves in. She is entitled to know in advance, otherwise you can't expect her to comply. And your sister may not be like that, but some of us feel less than comfortable when someone is being as generous as you, so it would help to know that there are requirements and not just giving with nothing in return.
When my husband and I lived with my parents, they refused to let us share in the expenses, saying their bills hadn't increased all that much since we moved in. We were students and weren't making that much, but we insisted on just contributing a certain sum of money for my parents to use at their discretion (towards bills, or food, or gas, or anything). We also brought groceries home when we could.
thanks for the comments all, truly very helpful.
I think
-we will have a "negotiation session" before the actual move, setting up a foundation for talking about such things.
-I will not charge her a set fee, but ask for her to be aware of and pick up items like detergent or milk as is needed
I like the idea of a house fund to separate expenses
I don't like the idea of someone thinking because they vacuumed the stairs once they are all "paid up" for 3 months of living expenses
She did have quite a time last year while living it up away from home, and I have been living quietly on my own for a couple years now, so this will be interesting...
I moved in with my sister a year ago... or rather we moved in together.
The cleaning thing was definately an issue since although I consider myself quite neat she is ocd about cleanliness.
We've worked out a system or which chores we each do. Since she cleans much MUCH more than me I pay the bills (we both pay equally for everything but I'm the one that calculates and mails it all out), as well as do all the shopping to even out the work load.
Over time little things that don't seem important at the time will grow and grow until a fight erupts over something that could have easily been talked through.
Personally I would avoid demanding that she be home at a certain hour. Since she is 18 it might seem like you are trying to be a parent instead of roomate and she in turn may resent that. Instead of setting a curfew for 12 set a noise curfew. After 12 it has to be quiet. That way you can get your sleep and she can have her freedom.
Also something me and my sister do is give each other a heads up when we are going to have someone over be it boyfriends, friends, or even family. That way your not surprised to walk in and see stangers on your couch lol.
It's not just young people who are moving back in with their parents. For example, my 54 year old aunt moved back in with my grandma a couple years ago when her financial situation unraveled. Some of my 40-60ish coworkers have also moved in with their parents. This crummy economy is effecting everyone and even though older people who move in with their parents can get away with it more gracefully under the guise of helping an aging/ailing parent, they could use the advice just as much as young folks, if not more, since it's been a greater number of years since they lived with their parents and I'd imagine it'd be a drastic adjustment.
Marcia, thank you, thank you, thank you! My son just moved back home after finishing college (to save money of course). I was just about to have a discussion with him about expectations when I read your blog. He then read it. Tonight I came home, to my amazement, and had dinner ready for me and he was busy washing all the floors, cleaning the mirrors, toilets and dishes. I think after reading everyone's comments, he realized how lucky he was (he pays for nothing). If this continues, I'll be happy to pay all the bills and have him at home. Next will you write about bad bosses. Maybe I could get my boss to read it and change also.
My husband and I are moving back home to my parents' house at the end of this month. My parents are truck drivers so we'll have the house to ourselves most of the time, thank goodness. I don't think it would work so well otherwise.
My parents are awesome so we're not even paying rent but we will be paying utilities and keeping the house clean and looked after.
We might even be sharing with my brother if he ends up bunking there for a while too.
My strategy is going to be to keep things as lovely as possible and do small projects around the house so that my parents feel that we are an asset and not a burden.
Also, if you're a married couple moving home, remember to keep all arguments and disagreements in your own private space. Never bring them out to make the family feel awkward or to ruin their day. They don't want to hear your crap and it'll only make them want you gone.