Last week we reported on a shocking article in Elle Magazine about girls who are compulsive hoarders and suffer from Disposophobia (Insane Girl Clutter). It brought in this relevant comment and question:
My boyfriend doesn't consider a closet something that should be accessable on a daily basis. He thinks it's for long-term storage, so he stuffs things in our front closet until I can't find anything! He had piles of knitting, clothes, bike gear, stuffed in corners for months.
I am exactly the opposite. I have to keep areas clear, and I get anxious not knowing what exactly is in any piles of stuff. It drives me crazy.
Anyway, do you have any advice for boy hobby hoarders? Or for girls who 1. Want to live with their boyfriends but not the hoarding, and 2. How far can you push a person to stop this behavior without enchroaching on their individual rights?
Anyone got help? MGR
PS #2 (different person): Does anybody have a clue as to who the young start-up furniture maker using corn by-product fiberboard at ICFF was and, in particular, what is the product that he was using????
he had PILES of knitting!? you have bigger problems than clutter. i wouldn't push him too far to get "his stuff" out of the closet...
signed,
fellow "knitter"
Wow, that's pretty offensive for someone who doesn't know me. Why should someone's hobbies determine their sexuality? You should review your stereotypes, and open your eyes. It's a hipster trend, and I haven't seen any gay men knitting.
sara:
1) get a sense of humor.
2) hipster trend?! missed THAT memo.
3) i am gay, and you're right.. we're too busy being fabulous to knit.
Now stop emailing me at home.
xo
I just love it when people take another person's simple question or statement and make it into a completely stupid, vapid, superficial, vain quest for attention. Don't attach your email if you don't want to be contacted at "home."
so glad i brought some love to your life.
I lived in a one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend and his two messy friends after college, and I can tell you that unless your bf or roommates also realise a place is cluttered and messy, no one is going to pick things up just to make you happy. They may thank you for organising or cleaning, but they won't follow through on their own.
My mom's solution was always to give my dad his own space to muck up while she took responsibility for cleaning the rest of the house. I could sometimes get my ex to clean when I was also cleaning, so maybe set out a group cleaning time when you tackle your mutual mess. Obviously, you have to sit down and talk to him and set out mutual rules that keep both of you happy. You aren't the maid or his housewife, and you should assert yourself [I never did 'til it was too late], but also realise that he probably won't change radically. Try finding a happy medium -- give him the front closet on the condition that you both clean up your dirty clothes and clutter every night so you don't go crazy. If he does think he needs help organising a specific something, work with him to get, say, the knitting stash boxed together or the bikes hung up in some cool way. Be patient but firm. Cleaning up is a new skill for a surprising number of people.
Take a good long look at your relationship too. Part of the problem with the whole situation was that my ex had a bunch of other crap going on in his life that took a lot of his energy, so neither the house nor his relationship were priorities, and you could tell just from the way he treated his stuff. Even so, I still had some good victories, like the day he realised that all of the dirty clothes on the floor were his and vowed to do a better job, or the day he independently cleaned off his desk and found an uncashed paycheck of mine.
I am so disgusted. I'm not miss white glove, but my husband and I purchased a house and the kkitchen table cannot be used to eat on. He keeps piles of mail and cameras and watches and anything he brings up from the basement that he has an interest in. In the living room, he has more of the same crap on the coffee table. When I ask him to clean it up, his response is just leave it there! I need help!I feel depressed and embarassed to have anyone drop by. When he knows someone is coming he gets rid of it for one day and the house looks great, but as soon as everyone leaves it all goes back!
it is really about taking control of your lifves, and it is important and emotional, because it is about how you live. and you're not crazy! i can empathize with you entirely. clutter saps energy.
i moved in w/ my boyfriend in december- into his space. and the kitchen table, which is near the entrance to our apartment, was clearly his spot for dumping the contents of his pockets when he came home- and anything else he had on him like mail, work papers etc. i know what you're talking about!
i kept on trying to get the stuff into other places- put awayor at least off the table. i suggested we could move it to the shelf next to the table. he said he had tried that and he kept forgetting to take things with him when he left. like his phone, wallet, keys, bike light, etc. he 'needed' it to be on the kitchen table.
i told him i needed to contain this ever-sprawling pile which never seemed to go away... and we have done just that. our table is against the wall, and i put a cute shoe-box sized basket at that end of the table. so he can dump his pockets when he comes home- at least it is out of the way, and 'contained' to a specific area. if he forgets to do it, i just chuck it all into the basket, it doesn't take me long, and i don't have to nag or get aggravated. emotional energy saved!
i think you need to look at the situation, and see where you can contain things, or limit the sprawl to specific spaces. put things where they are most convenient, so it is easy to put things away- or so when he starts his tower of paper on the coffeetable, it's in an 'inbox'... and it is a compromise on both your parts.
my boyfriend would not have minded the way he lived before... and i used to live terribly cluttered (in uni), so i know people like to live that way. i didn't want to impose my way of living on him. so i've slowly been organizing things to the way i need them to be to feel comfortable (organizing the drawers, shelves). so we know where to find things, for example, which is very practical, and has less to do with how things look and more to do with how i want to live. and he's taking to it, and appreciates that it is easier to find things, it is easier to prepare dinner, and you generally feel more at ease and creative when you have space, and things are not a jumbling towering mess.
but if your husband is not responding to your changes, or not recognizing that it is a conflict in how either of you want to live... then i'm worried he may not be willing to compromise. i can see why you're getting depressed! it might be time to get some help? this is big important stuff, all this daily living.
also check out this brilliant book, it covers the development of systems, and reducing the waste of time and space. it's from the perspective of keeping things logical and simple:
"Confessions of an Organized Homemaker" The Secrets of Uncluttering Your Home and Taking Control of Your Life: By Deniece Schofield
Wow! I am almost two years late, but I love the cat fight between Sara and Patrick.