apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

Now Now Now! She may never have the great situation that exists now but she'll need to find someone as compatible as possible and that needs times. And besides, if you told later she may never get over that bad feeling that she will more than likely feel at first. Give her time to get over the animosity and mend it while still around. That way you'll always be friends.

Buy a great bottle of wine and ease into the conversation. And DON'T have him there when you do it.

You should tell her now. You could offer to help her interview prospective new roomates or start asking among other friends if anyone is looking to move into a rent controlled apartment. it sounds like a good deal so it shouldn't be that hard to find someone your friend would enjoy being roommates with, especially if you start looking sooner than later.

As for your friend's depression about singledom, as these will be your last months living together, perhaps you should try to schedule more together time which could include hanging out at all those places where singles meet.

Good luck!

Tell her now! Among other things, she'll be more annoyed if your boyfriend lets your plans "slip" in front of her before she's officially told.

Moods come and go. Leases are more permanent. You cannot manage her mood for her, but you can give her a fair chance at making a considered decision about her own housing needs.

Dear Abby,

What does this have to do with apartment living and design?

Being a forlorn single gal myself, definitely tell her sooner rather than later. My friend once didn't tell me she was seeing someone because she was afraid I'd be upset...but it makes it worse to have people tiptoeing around as if you're a most pathetic creature because you're single! Anyway, it ALSO helps with finding a suitable replacement for you...just sit down with her and say "When you see her, just say hey, I have some news..." acknowledge that you'll miss her and the fun you have...good luck!

Bad news is always better delivered swiftly and honestly. Be sure to identify why you are moving as it does not relate to her but to your continued happiness.

jennie, you obviously don't know Maxwell or the reasons for this site.

some insight here (thanks to Anne/the first one from Dallas)
http://tinyurl.com/7p2bz

You should tell me when the lease is up first, so I can move into this rent-controlled gem.

But yeah, it's best to let her know as soon as possible so she can find a similar situation. Otherwise, it'll be too much of a shock on too short notice.

Tell her now. When I decided to live with my now-husband, I was nervous to tell my roommate, because we were such good friends and actually enjoyed living together.

It was all fine, but in NYC, you need as much time as possible to find a good situation. You could even help her screen replacements--I once moved into a place where the roommate moving out vetted me and then introduced me to the new roomie, who gave final approval. It worked out really well, and that former roommate and I are still good friends.

Sooner > later

sooner is way better than later

my roommate (a million years ago) decided to move me out to move her boyfriend in, and we're still very close. everything was handled on the up and up -- and don't kid yourself that s/he won't know something is wrong if you don't deal directly.

ASAP. it'll take the pressure off of her and give her more time to find a good replacement, not just the first schmoe to pass a credit check.

besides, there are probably plenty of people who already know they will need to move by the summer, and i know they will be just as thrilled to line something up this far in advance, too.

NOW

Definitely sooner. I had a roommate once who basically destroyed our friendship by not telling us (her other two roommates) until it was too late. Granted, we were in school, so it was a more delicate situation timing-wise - by the time she had told us, even though she had known for over two months, all of our other friends had made arrangements for the following school year, so we couldn't fill the space. If she had told us in December, either we could have found a third roommie or there would have been enough other decent apartments left for us to rent. Instead, it was almost march and everything that wasn't a slum was already rented. The two of us ended up staying and paying the extra rent.

This counts as an AT Good Question, seriously?

Isn't it common sense and courtesy to tell her sooner rather than later?

this is a no-brainer -- tell her now. it might lessen the blow if she thinks of it this way: that while your move means that it is the end of a great living arrangement it also means a new beginning for the both of you. That's scary but exciting. Anything can happen. Who knows -- getting a new roomate might lead her to meet someone special.

Now-now-now-now-NOW. She'll have ample opportunity to find a good person. By delaying the inevitable, you lower the probability that she'll have a broad field of hopefuls.

Sheesh. :)

(And thanks, jamie pup!)

Here's how this may be a slightly more traditional AT question -- is your roommate's name on the lease? It sounds like no, in which case a lot of the advice here is moot since the rent could now jump to the going rate in your building and your roommate might not be able to afford it. In that case, see if you can get his/her name on the lease now, probably without mentioning to your landlord that you're leaving. If this is part of your question, let everyone know b/c I'm sure other people here have good ideas about how to handle that kind of situation.

Otherwise, tell him/her now, follow all the good advice posted here, and good luck on the next exciting chapter of your life.

telling her now is the kindest most thoughtful thing you can do. how she reacts is her choice.. it's best to confront situations straight away. now, the important issue is how do you plan to decorate the space you and your boyfriend wil live in?

I'm sort of with Jennie and Carlin here. This isn't about apartment living at all, it's about a relationship and communication. Please tell me this isn't turning into a relationship-advice site (complete with stock photos of angsty-looking couples) for people who just happen to live in aparments.

Jennie - there seems to be such a good group of people who write in and "converse" I can totally see why this question would be posted! Think about it. Cheers to ApartmentTherapy and Maxwell for posting the question and everyone for the good advice. Tell her now, rip the bandaid off and offer to help interview people - who knows, she may have someone in mind already. She will adjust and I bet she has had to adjust to bigger things in life. Good Luck!

This is not the first ethics/etiquette-related matter I've seen on AT -- consider the lengthy debate about asking guests to remove their shoes.

I concur with the majority; tell her now.

I have two friends that are enemies because of a situation like this. The ONLY thing you can do is tell her ahead of time so she has time to prepare. Together you can brainstorm friends who might be interested in moving into your room.

Am I missing something here? Is the lease in your name or hers, or in both? Whether she can keep the lease on the apartment or not its still most caring for a friend to tell her sooner than later. If she will need to move elsewhere it will be a necessity. Does she read Apartment Therapy? If so the cat is already out of the bag.

Tell her now! Just think if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want as much time as possible to look for a new roommate?

... and I just keep having this flash on a scene in which it turns out the Other Roommate has been fantasizing about having a different living arrangement, but is contemplating passing up her dreams because she thinks the questioner here is committed to renewing the lease together...

Or it may be that the questioner wants to leave room for her own moving "cold feet". There is a delicate balance between looking out for yourself and looking out for your friend. But the roommate should be given enough time to find a replacement for you, or to organize a move herself.

True. I'm guessing that the roommate might have some kind of history of reacting badly to news such as this, or the bandaid would have been yanked off by now. Or... that the questioner might have had some slight tinge of hesitancy about proceeding.

There is, of course, a Friends episode about this. One could look up which season Monica and Chandler decided to live together, and either rent or buy it, watch the episode together, and let that ease you into it. But only if you're planning on doing TONIGHT! Right after work! Now!

If she's of TOO delicate a consitution to take news about your life that may or may not impact badly (temporarily) on hers, but that helps ease you down whatever path (I sound so Oprah now, don't I?) you need to travel on, then you might have to ask yourself if you're really needing to be that boyfriend, or if you're really just trying to escape a roommate that's too high maintenance! If that's the case, then just go ahead and board your pets safely away before telling her.

Oh, and I absolutely think that, regardless of the fact that we do tend to focus on design matters here, I think that both words of Apartment Therapy make the question absolutely pertinent to this forum, and I think that having 20 or more posts by fairly sane people in here saying pretty much all the same thing is going to help the questioner do what needs to be done, and I don't mind that one single bit.

Jamie Pup et al;

Thank you so much for passing along that link. Maxwell has an excellent way of looking at home design, and to me, is the only way - start with the person and build a space from what you learn about them. Get them back in control of their lives and they can rule their roost with pride.

I'm by no means an expert on the subject of 'apartment therapy', but I've studied 'home therapy' extensively for my own clients; there was simply no way I could design a space until I had in-depth conversation with them first. Most of them, I found, had no idea what they wanted for home design, nevermind what they even wanted out of their lives. I found this emotionally draining at first, but I'm learning to accept that many people truly need designers that are in touch with more than what textiles to select. So many want to throw money at me and make everything 'go away', solve all the problems, throw up the new paint, and be done with it. I couldn't allow that to happen to them, or to me. I needed to take charge and help them to figure themselves out first so I could build a space from there. Thus, my mission to understand them better.

Everything Maxwell spoke of is completely relatable to me. I had a client that actually cried for hours because she was fired from an upper management role only 30 minutes before I had arrived to install her art. After crying for two hours straight, she wiped her tears and very coldly said, "Okay! Let's get to it! Time to decorate!". I sat there stunned. All that negative energy in the room and she wanted to decorate. I kindly turned her down, she wrote me a check for 'just being there', and I offered to return at another time. It was fair to her, and to me, to avoid working amidst all that negativity swirling about in the air. As I put the check into my bag, I felt like Billy Crystal coaching Robert DeNiro in "Analyse This!". Defeated, stressed, and ready to call it quits with this client, and all clients going forward.

I've had other clients express that they 'don't care at all' to be involved in the process of designing their space, they want to just leave and then return home again with everything completely finished. Too much reality television, I guess. I think Americans, as a whole, are creating a lot of their own stress. When I spend time in Germany with my family, I start seeing all the traps Americans crawl into very clearly - you know, after gaining some distance, you start to see things for what they truly are. Americans seem to be losing touch with families, friends, etc. and replacing all that with entertainment and endless hours in the office. It's only reasonable to conclude that this would happen to their place of dwelling - it would reflect all the confusion, chaos, and often, the lonliness that so many families feel.

When I worked in the corporate world, I walked by cubicles and offices all day long with clutter and chaos exploding into the aisles. When people went into my space, they always asked why I played soft music and had my own lighting and a minimalist environment. They couldn't understand why my desk wasn't piled with rubbish. I didn't have to scurry about to find my phone when it rang. It was in clear sight. I knew where pens, files, post-its, and CD-Rs were stored. My space was a well-oiled machine because if I didn't control my space, it would start to control me. I'm a 'warm' person, so of course I had my fashionable stripe planner sitting there and some lovely photography on the wall, a few plants, etc. But, everything was in my control and I didn't feel stressed out when I sat at my desk. My colleagues didn't get it. My manager even suggested that he should give me more to do because 'your desk doesn't set a good example, it looks like you aren't doing all that I know you really are. You have to mess things up a bit so people think you're busy'.

Aha! Maybe that's it. If we're a walking disaster, with a starbucks in one hand, a cell in the other, and our secretary trailing behind us taking notes, we are the man. I see it differently. I think it's more like we are the man out of control and need to remedy that ASAP.

There's so much more to design than just waving a magic wand and the space fairy appears, quickly shuffles everything about, and poof! an amazing new home or office space appears with items that fit the home owners exact taste and personality. Exceedingly difficult if the home owners have not a clue who they really are and what they're all about. Teach them to fish, I say. Not give them fish. I applaud AT's new book and can't wait to read more. I'm sure I'll have many aha! moments as I read it.

Okay, back to the string...I'd suggest taking her to dinner and discussing matters as adults, sooner than later, and then follow the meal with some delish cocktails and an evening of dancing. Make the big departure conversation less 'we need to talk' and more 'this is what's happening, I still need you in my life, let's have fun and enjoy ourselves NOW'.

Holly

Tell her now and offer to move back in with her when you and your man break up. Best of both worlds!

It seems like everyone is agreed that the kindest thing is to talk to your friend ASAP. I don't know if you and your friend think feng shui is a bunch of feng hooey or not. But, your friend's relationship luck might improve if she shifts over to the space you occupy in the apartment you're sharing. That's if she's able to stay in the place with a new roommate. It's just a suggestion; YMMV.

Tell here ASAP so that she will have plenty of time to find a new roommate.

She probably won't be THAT crushed. She doesn't plan on you two living together forever, I'm sure.

As someone who's roommate has kicked them out of an apartment to buy a house with (then) boyfriend - just 4 months into a 12-month lease, no less - I certainly would've appreciated a timely heads up to what she was planning to do. I wound up with 3 weeks to find a new place and move into it, and it's taken a very long time to trust and like this friend again. She might be hurt initially, but showing that you're taking her feelings and living situation into consideration will soften the blow.

thank you for all of your answers, - i pretty much knew sooner was better - i think i just needed to hear it from someone else to get me going - and i really appreciate all of you doing so. i'm sorry if some people don't think this is a question worthy of AT, but i would rather ask the general public than ask a bunch of friends - and i knew some of you would have experience with it - as i DEFINITELY don't want my roommate to be the last to know (if i consulted friends), or find out by accident. i'm going to tell her in two weeks, she is away this weekend. thanks!! (and i normally read this site for decorating ideas, etc, not for personal therapy!) - M