Can I throw "thank yous" into the mix? :-)

I used to have a big holiday party every year, and this is why I stopped. I sent invitations the old-fashioned way but asked for an RSVP by a specific date so I could shop and plan. Fewer people responded over time, and I would either have to track people down for an answer or have a party with no idea how many people were coming. It made the whole process less fun and more stressful.

I do RSVP to invitations I get, printed or electronic.

I have sent out 50 invitations for my wedding, and ONE person has RSVPed. (Today is the deadline, btw.) It wouldn't be so bad, but half of those people would be insulted if they didn't get an invitation.

(sigh)...it's not just you! I think it's a combination of all the reasons you mention. In addition, I have noticed that the same people who don't reply to my evites are often really bad about responding to email in general, to the point that I wonder if they only check it once every two weeks.

I think the melding of personal invitations with business or charitable invitations on sites like Evite contribute to the attitude of not taking invitations seriously. When you get invited to fundraisers and kids parties in exactly the same way, it's natural to treat them more the same. But I don't give as high a priority to a business-related gathering as I do to, say, my child's friend's birthday party, so I may not immediately respond.

I have noticed that people even procrastinate on returning written invitations for a wedding (if they respond at all.) It's just the times...

What kind of invitations do you send?
If it is a private party with only certain people I ask in person or on the phone, and follow up with a snail mail invite that includes a self-addressed stamped envelope with small blank card for a yes or no response. If I don't receive the envelope back within 2 weeks I call or email the person telling them I regret they won't be attending but perhaps a rain check. I do not want them showing up if they can't respond.
Electronic or printed? Handwritten.
What has been your experience with RSVPs? Most people who know me respond rapidly, even if it is with regrets. I think that is because I enclose the means by which to respond.
What do you do when people fail to respond? I already wrote about that.

I am old enough to know that it is a busy world. But I also know that my time is no less busy than any other person's time, nor is my time any less valuable to me. Yet I want to ease the way for my friends and family not complicate them. Hence, the written invite which includes the response.

This has become one of my biggest pet peeves. When my husband and I got married, we had to track down quite a few people to get their RSVP's. Then! We had a ton of people who responded that they were coming and just didn't show up. We had about two whole tables at our reception that were left unused. Do people not understand that we paid for their table, chair, dinnerware, napkin, food, etc.? Then our baby shower was this past September. It was RIDICULOUS how many people responded and didn't show, or that ignored the whole thing completely even when I tried to track them down.

I don't think we'll be having another party in the near future. People are so inconsiderate now a days.

I just wanted to add, my husband's cousin was invited to our wedding. She and her fiancé refused to RSVP no matter how many times we tried to get in touch or in what way (phone, Facebook, email, family) and they wound up just not coming at all. We haven't spoken to them since, but they had the audacity to send us a invite to their wedding... What is WITH people?

Plain and simple, manners are on the decline. I'm with keltrue on "thank you's" - especially when an email thank-you is now pretty acceptable, yet so many people just don't take the time (guess they are busy posting snippy comments on blogs -- LOL!)

One of my biggest peeves is young men who don't remove their hats indoors. A gentleman removes his hat when indoors -- period!

I cannot agree with this story more. I think people just have so much going on now that it is easy for things to slip through the cracks. That's no excuse in my opinion but it does give you a little something to think about. When I got married a few years ago generally most people RSVP'd in a pretty timely manner but I did have to chase down some stragglers. To me the bigger issue (at least then) was people who RSVP'd and said yes they would attend and then didn't show (that is a whole other vent though). Overall I'd agree manners do seem to be on the decline.

I agree with all the comments above.

This is what really burns my backside. I'll send out an eVite, and won't get a response, which then means I will have to track down the person or persons who didn’t RSVP only to hear him/her say, "Oh, I've been really busy?" Really??? Well I noticed you've been updating your Facebook status daily / almost hourly basis letting everyone know you’re stuck in traffic, or that you just left Starucks, and are heading to Target…and later on you and the hubby will be going to the movies to see [fill in blank] movie or going to try that new restauant in town...

Argh!

Call me crazy, but it seems to me, in the time it takes someone to update his/her Facebook status, these same people could have RSVPd. To that end, I don’t think “I’ve been busy.” is a legit excuse.” Maybe what’s really going on is people do not like to commit. We have become a society of commitment phobes.

My two cents.

:-)

HUGE pet peeve. No one is that busy or that important they can't take a few minutes to reply when someone cares enough about them to invite them. RUDENESS is the worst kind of arrogance.

It is irritating to say the least and I always RSVP within a day or so. Then I make sure to put it into my calendar so that even if something else comes up I am reminded of the commitment I've already made. I do think evites are handled so casually that most people do not realize its a big deal if they come or not. A written invite shows that planning & preparation is involved and hence a menu etc... to prepare and buy for. If I don't get a response within 2 weeks I have a friend who is attending follow up with a call. That usually works.

I used to make pretty handcrafted invites for my annual Christmas parties, and I would have to chase down RSVPs from friends, so I switched to using Evite thinking it would be easier for them to RSVP. I still have to chase friends down to find out if they plan on attending though, and it makes me think I just need to stop hosting parties. I have a big problem with people RSVPing yes and not showing up too.

Chasing down missing RSVPs to my daughter's recent wedding was bad enough. What really floored me was the number of UNINVITED guests that showed up to a sit-down dinner for which we had agonized for weeks over who to cross off the list due to limited space and budget. With no notice whatsoever, teenaged nephews brought girlfriends, friends of friends showed up whom the bride and groom barely knew... For a sit-down dinner? Really?! Fortunately, there was a whole family that RSVP'd but didn't show up, so there was room and food available. I think younger people especially are so used to casual evites that they think it doesn't matter whether they show up or not, that there will be unlimited food and drink whenever and wherever they want it, anywhere they hear there is a party going on. Aargh.

reading all these makes me so glad its not just me. its such a sign of laziness, it makes me irate. I live in an area where everyone works hard and long hours (DC), but be polite. The amount of people, and friends at that, who wont rsvp then show up an hour late befuddled by what the big deal is makes me want to rip my head off and throw it at them.
(can you tell i recently planned a wedding?)

We send handwritten post card invites to our yearly holiday party and now that I think about it, that's our standard for anything bigger than a 6-8 person dinner party. The majority of our friends are pretty good about RSVP-ing on time, thankfully, but I've found that the bigger the group, the more likely there will be a few people I have to track down.

If, after I've tracked someone down for an RSVP. they then don't bother to show up? Depending on the strength of the relationship, I might give them another chance - or not. If the only time I see this person (or couple) is when I do the inviting, then I'll take the no-show as a sign that they really aren't interested in being my friend. It bums me out, but it saves me from getting disappointed again and again!

I always send out paper invites to my holiday party. I'm a sucker for a proper invitation. After years of frustration over dealing with RSVP's I have started throwing a holiday open house. I still include the rsvp request, but I don't count on getting many and I don't bother tracking them down. I just make a ton of food and have plenty of drinks on hand to accommodate the entire guest list should they decide to show up...which they all usually do.

Its called "rudeness". I too have largely stopped hosting major social events - it seems wrong to have to chase down guests who are so little enthused they can't be bothered responding in time: it makes one feel belittled somehow.

I attribute it to the fact that with 24/7 entertainment and ready-made food available everywhere, there is no concept anymore of the effort or love that goes into hosting a party.

The day someone arrived one and a half hours late for a luncheon that I hosted (that person having implored me to hold another one) was the day they stopped being invited by me to anything significant. We are letting our human social life fall into disarray and " social media" and fast food outfits don't really supply an adequate replacement - the world seems less warm somehow.

We're using TinyPrints and their online RSVP service for my daughter's second birthday. We've received one "snail mail" invite RSVP and a couple of digital invite RSVPs. I thought we would receive RSVPs from the digital invite set almost immediately, but alas, everyone is still lagging. I even texted the digital invite bunch and told them that the invites were sent and to please check their Spam folders in case they went there instead of their Inboxes. Maybe it's the fashionably late thing going on here, also? I agree, it's annoying.

Absolutely. If you can Facebook everything under the sun, you can write an email to attend a party, decline or send a thank you. Pretty soon we require manners courses for the general public.

I have an evite out right now for a Dec. 1 event. I wish I could buy just enough food and drink for the RSVP'ers and, when people who didn't RSVP show up, tell them to leave the goodies for the people who did!

I have to side with @VoluptuousVegan and @jannette on this one. I don't think it has anything to do with being too busy (or maybe it's just that I hate when people use "I'm so busy" as an excuse - we all make time for that which is important to us, but I digress). I think it's a little bit of laziness, mixed with people not wanting to agree to a date in advance, in case something better comes up - which is even worse when you think of the time and money spent in party planning.

There was an article in the NYT recently on the decline of people committing to show up for ANYTHING. When you can dash off a text to get out of a commitment, nothing seems important anymore. I figure people are waiting to see if they get a better offer for the date in question so they don't bother to RSVP.

My sister in law told me that she thought that it was more polite to not respond at all than to decline an invitation. No, no, no! Anyone who has ever had a wedding should understand how frustrating it is.

What blows me away is that people today may lament the lack of parties and not realize that hosts/hostesses are tired of waiting for you to decide if it is worth the trip nor do they want to waste their time or effort. Courtesy has totally gone by the wayside. Then again, social media, which we all use, has brought out the worst in people in many ways. We all know what things your kids did and why you are angry at your spouse or what football team you hate or why so and so celebrity sucks, but God forbid you answer a luncheon or dinner party reply. Or even filter yourself a little. Ahhh, I know I sound like a crabby old coot, but manners should still matter.

The only time I ever open the email app is to copy the tracking number for some expected delivery. I really hate wading through all that junk mail that can't be stopped no matter how I try.

People are allowed to get away with not replying to an RSVP and they still get invited back. So why should they respond? If I invite someone and they don't RSVP I give them one more chance and if they don't RSVP to a second event I don't invite them again. I am old enough to remember when this was generally the standard way of doing things. These days I bet most people would ask why they weren't invited and you could gently explain to them how an RSVP works and tell them that they never responded so you thought they wouldn't be interested in your next party. Then you could try them again and they will probably RSVP. If they don't then don't invite them any more to your events.

I've actually had people complain over which e-invitation brand I use! I sent an evite and someone complained, "Why don't you use Paperless Post? Their widget is much cuter. I don't like Evite's widget on my phone."

Whatever brand I chose to use, I generally have to send out an invitation, send out reminders, and then when it's close to the RSVP deadline (like the day of or before), if it's close friends, I generally send a threatening reminder to RSVP. It's SO frustrating!

I think waiting to see if they will get a better offer is true for some people. I am always thrilled to get an email from certain individuals, very promptly by the way, saying "it sounds interesting, I might come". They then wait until the deadline to send regrets.

THIS is exactly what happened to me as well! After spending all that money on custom printed invitations, booze, food, etc, and not getting RSVPs, my cohost and I decided to stop throwing the party after 10 years.

I bet most people don't want to commit to showers and holiday parties- will they be in the mood on the day? Will they have to track down a gift? Will something better come along? But for a wedding, that seems weird- unless it's a guest list of hundreds and they aren't really close friends, then, the same non-committal thing. A lot of the people who respond with a yes are probably just those flaky types and those who don't like confrontation (like you calling them to ask), but have no real intention of showing up, or then again, they might. I wouldn't take a yes as written in stone these days. People aren't necessarily trying to be rude, but prefer a more spontanous get together over a planned one.

It's not so much laziness as it is plain Me Me Me-ness. Heavens that people should be inconvenienced! And I'm not laying this particularly at the door of the GenX and GenY group. My own Baby Boomers do it too, although they are a little more pretend-apologetic when you call them. And the "whatever" "it is what it is" prevailing atmosphere doesn't help either. People don't feel guilty any more about failing their responsibilities.

Harumph harumph harumph. Sorry.

It's the last-minute no-shows that frost my flakes, too. "I have a headache" or "I had a terrible week at work" and am not coming to your planned dinner party is not sufficient. You'd better be running a temp, or your child should be, before you don't come.

This is an absolutely irritating trend.
I just don't get it. You see the invite, you open it, check the date on your calendar, and decide if you're coming or not! Simple. Takes 5 minutes! You either want to come or not. Just make a decision and respond! Why is this so complicated?!!!!
We usually host 2 parties a year, and will invite our friends through Evite. There are always about 50% of the people who won't give us an answer until a week before. You can tell that they have opened the Evite, because that website shows that. But they will simply ignore it until you have to track them down.
Absolutely annoying. And no! Being busy is not a good excuse.

My favorite? When they don't RSVP and then they show up with a guest, empty handed. To a dinner party. This happens all the jfdklsjdfklds time. It's hard to be civil in this situation when everyone is still hungry at the end because they had to eat a much smaller portion because we planned for 10 people instead of 12. It astounds me how thoughtless people I call good friends can be and it always casts a shadow on the event in my mind. I usually swear off hosting, but then a month later....

Maybe it's the size of the parties so many people have that leads to non-RSVPing? I just planned my son's birthday, sent an evite and heard from all but one person. But, it was a small party and I had also spoken with the parents of most of the kids.

For larger parties, we often do a potluck. I'll always prepare the main food, but then there's always enough. It's also a lot less stressful. If we go paperless, we'll design an invitation and then send it as an attachment in email. I'd say we get at least an 80-90% response rate.

I sometimes think that paperless invites like evite, where you can see the whole guest list, encourage people to wait and see if certain others are or aren't planning to attend. Bottom line: Some people will never RSVP, the same way they don't reply to email or texts, offer thanks (or send thank yous) or return phone calls. If you love them, you learn to roll with it. If they're less important to you, let them go.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It is so rude to not rsvp (even a maybe is better than nothing). I don't have a lot of money and I don't want to spend extra on people who have no intention of attending but are too lazy to rsvp.

I used to hold big Halloween bashes and would whittle my list down every year by not inviting those who didn't rsvp the previous year. It seriously drives me mental.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It is so rude to not rsvp (even a maybe is better than nothing). I don't have a lot of money and I don't want to spend extra on people who have no intention of attending but are too lazy to rsvp.

I used to hold big Halloween bashes and would whittle my list down every year by not inviting those who didn't rsvp the previous year. It seriously drives me mental.

We planned a party over the summer and invited more than a hundred people. We received a number of yes's, a few no's and a ton of maybe's. We ended-up with around 30 people total, dropping in and out throughout the evening. We simply had no way of knowing how many would attend. We thought it was just us but we went to a couple of other parties held by our friends and they had the same issues. We always make sure to RSVP because we know how irritating it is when people don't. Plus, I don't think "maybe" is an option. I agree that it seems like they're waiting to see what their options might be. To me, it's horrifically rude. It says "I don't like you enough to commit to spending a couple of hours with you." pffffftttt.

I once went to a holiday party where the hostess asked everyone to RSVP - paper invitation, RSVP via email or phone call. She put on a seriously elaborate spread and clearly went to a great deal of effort for her guests. I was in the hall of her apt. when more guests arrived and she answered the door. It was one of those invited who not only hadn't bothered with an RSVP but showed up with 2 other people. She casually said, "Hi. What's up?" He said he was here for the party and when told that she hadn't received his RSVP she got the "busy" excuse. She simply stated to him that she was sorry that he made the trip but that in the same way that it was disrespectful of him not to RSVP to her as the hostess it would be equally disrespectful of her to allow him and his guests to come in and enjoy the same privileges as those guests who made the effort to RSVP. And with that she wished him, "Have a good night!" Closed door. Bam! Well done.

God help me if I have to do that at my own wedding.

I can only think it's a complex mix of busy lives saddled with declining appreciation for courtesy and manners. Let's hope if the pendulum swings far enough that we might swing back and drum up a shred of civility once again.

I think the best way to avoid this is to actually call/text people. Obviously that won't work for a wedding, but for a dinner party or something, I think it works well. in the age of the Facebook invite, people get these notices that so-and-so is having a party and it just doesn't feel that important. "Oh, it doesn't matter if I RSVP, look at how many other people they invited. Other people will show up."
I find that calling to confirm is the best way to make sure that people don't flake out.

Grrrr! I always say "maybe" does not constitute and RSVP! It's either "yes" or "no" and if you don't know figure it out! Rude, indeed! I feel your pain, Jenny.

Maybe it's just my group of longtime (former) friends, but I KNOW that the ones I've stopped being friends with are the kind of people who will bump you at the last minute if they get what they consider to be a "better" or more "socially advantageous" offer, even if they have confirmed. It can be for something as simple as going out to a movie together or as elaborate as a dinner party. Or they show up late. And you may or may not get a call saying they aren't coming. One of them even has done this with me professionally, bumping me back behind new jobs for something I'm paying for, or just showing up without calling first. I've not only stopped hiring him, but I now give him terrible press when asked for referrals if I just don't mention him at all. And trust me, he needs the work but Kanye will take precedence over me any time, even if I have sawdust all over my living room.

About 6 months ago one of my oldest (male) friends, who lived for a long time in CA but moved back to Virginia some time back, told me he was planning to come out to CA for two or three weeks in the summer and asked if he could stay at my house for 5 of those days. He also asked if I would accompany him to a night time family wedding so he didn't have to go alone. I said sure. So as it got closer to the date, I asked him if he wanted me to secure tickets to anything or had special requests for my time. No response, though he sent me emails about politics or gossip after my inquiry. About 3 weeks before the arrival date, I asked for his airline arrival and departure plans, and whether since he was coming to my house first he wanted me to pick him up at the airport (15 minutes away, LAX) No response. Two weeks before, I asked if there was anything special I should stock for him to eat, especially for breakfast, since I live alone and drink tea in preference to coffee. No response. I bought a new dress for the wedding, not knowing exactly how fancy it was going to be, but knowing it was important to my friend to make a good impression. He had already mentioned to me how grateful he would be if I went with him so that he wasn't just perceived as "the weird old bachelor uncle," which, actually, he IS. Finally, with less than a week before his planned arrival (he had already told me he'd bought his ticket months before) I sent him an email saying I REALLY needed to know, that I'd delayed making other other appointments etc. and that I didn't understand, since he was sending me regular updates on things like the crisis in Greece, that he had refused to let me know what was going on. In the meantime I had ordered new wooden blinds for the house in time to hang them before he got here instead of waiting another week for the sale. He sent an email promising he'd let me know by Friday, which came and went, that he'd had some car trouble and was having to replace a part and his back was bothering him (WHAT ?) So Saturday night, with him supposed to arrive on Tuesday morning and me having bought a bunch of cereal and steaks and chicken and things like that to cook for him that I either wouldn't eat or was too much food for me, I called his house and when he didn't pick up, left a voice mail saying he couldn't stay at my house, that I wouldn't be going with him to the wedding, that I couldn't believe how rude he was.

Wouldn't you know that on Sunday, I got an email saying that he had been planning on sending a mass email that day letting everyone involved know he wasn't coming at all. No explanation why. And sarcastically thanking me for "throwing our friendship under the bus and calling at 11 pm his time, when he was asleep. Seriously. I don't know who he was planning on staying with after me, but I DO know they had more time than I did to change their plans or make other ones. They probably hadn't bought a dress they would hardly ever wear again either. With friends like that (honestly, at one time my closest male friend, for decades...and never a romantic relationship either) who needs enemies ?

And don't even get me started about thank you notes, even from family (the children particularly) after Christmas. Coal for them this year. Over it. Becoming a recluse.

We invited nearly 200 people to our wedding last fall (mail invites, mail RSPV cards). We didn't have to track down a single person. Nearly everyone RSVPed, and the handful who did not, we were not expecting them to attend due to health, cost/cross country flight, work, etc. 6 months later, we throw an engagement party for another couple. We had to track so many people down to RSVP (invite in mail, RSPV via email or phone). Not to judge, but my fam (my 27 year-old, single, brother sent a thank-you for his birthday gift even!) and the hubs' fam are all pretty considerate and punctial, as are our friends, so I think it has a lot to do with the company you keep...and if it's family who don't RSVP, unfortunately you can't choose them.

Noelle, you should check out my comment to see how one hostess I knew handled that very situation. It would take some mustering of courage but her approach couldn't be argued with.

I'll admit that sometimes I don't respond right away. It depends on who it is and what kind of event is being thrown, as well as when I get invited. I don't have any rules for responding, but if I'm one of 50 people invited to a birthday/halloween party for someone I haven't seen in a few months, and it's tomorrow, chances are that I might not give an answer until I know for sure whether I'll be coming or not. If I have a week's notice for someone's dinner party I would of course let them know right away and expect the same.

But some people throw "please RSVP" on invites when it really doesn't matter how many people show up since they've invited dozens of people from various social groups. I recently had a good friend send an invitation email for her "going away party" where she was going to europe for the winter (and returning in the spring). She managed to invite everyone from 3 previous employers as well as a number of people from random social clubs she belonged to.

Sometimes when you cast your net too wide it really takes away the meaning of the invitation, and it dilutes any real sense of obligation

Lack of courtesy.
"Consider the source" seems appropriate here.

A MAN removes his hat indoors. Boys, of whatever age, do not. I've been amused at the educations I've seen passively given to those boys. ;) The hat is snagged and tossed onto the highest dustiest shelf in the building for the duration of the visit by a MAN. Boy is allowed to retrieve the hat upon leaving, himself with no other help. If a second infraction, boy is given chores as a guest in the house. Those who serve in the military have this courtesy pounded into them along with many more formal manners.

RSVPs- no matter what age or region, there are inconsiderate clods everywhere. We had to chase down wedding guests who were shocked to learn the little card needed to be filled out and returned in the pre-addressed and stamped envelopes or they wouldn't be eating at the reception. Got invite, opened it, saw date and never did anything else with it. We had someone reply "yes" and then called the week before with a major surgery that week. Very thoughtful!

Thank yous- I've always wondered how brides have plenty of time to open a gift, but no time to immediately jot out a quick written note before opening the next gift. So, all those gifts are sitting around unopened a year later because you are so busy. Usually, the baby shower appears next in my mail without the bridal gift thank you. i politely send my regrets for being unable to attend, but do send off a very nice congrats on the new baby card. No gift cards, or money inside. A comment from family and friends querying the lack of any gift and my response of not wanting to "tax the mom-to-be's time and energy" gets the point thrust home. For those who do write the fast note, the recipients remember that note for decades. Amusing how differently those brides are treated from the thankless.

My biggest peeve is with informal family gatherings. We know there will be at least one for each holiday this time of year. Yet, organizing the specific date and time only happens a month before and excludes those who had no warning to schedule time off, flights, hotels, etc. Most companies require 6 months or more advance scheduling for vacation time. The organizers are then peeved no one will be appearing at the commanded gathering.

I like Sauveteur's method. No reply, no further invites. Gets the message across.

AGREE! This is why I hate throwing parties.

My husband's 50th birthday party was catered, so I needed a hard number of people for the caterer. Not only did people show up that didn't RSVP, I had people that didn't show up at all that did RSVP, others that brought friends, still others that RSVPed and came, and then went to dinner! My round birthday is around the corner and I told my husband that I would rather take a trip than have a party. People!

It's little to do with checking the calendar or replying to an email.

Most people are hesitant to commit right away, for fear of missing out on another better event that might come up later. i.e. They will attend if only nothing better comes up. Sometimes, nothing better comes up but they had forgotten the RSVP. It's very rude on so many levels.

I'll be there.

In my case, it is "Or is he or she simply waiting until the last minute in case a better offer comes along?". Then again, i have loser friends. Sorry friends.

Looks like I'm the odd one out here, but this trend doesn't bother me in the least. Instead of complaining about how your friends won't bend over backwards to meet your uptight expectations, why not change how you plan events to adapt to the new standards? I'd much rather host (and attend) a casual, family-style, more-the-merrier party over some fussy, overly planned, sit-down affair any day.

Saying a warm "thank you" however will never go out of style.

A few weeks ago the bf and I had a potluck and emailed a bunch of people it and specifically said to RSVP. A few people did, but other also didn't respond to the email and just showed up -- with no food.

What bothers me also is that they all have gmail and I see them on chat all the time so I'm pretty sure they got saw the email early.

People in this thread should invite each other to a dinner party. Since there's a shortage of people with etiquette and manners nowadays and people reply on this thread do, might as well group up and have an awesome dinner party!

All of these comments seem to be from annoyed hosts of parties. I'll admit to being one of those people that is really bad about RSVPing until the last minute. It's not laziness, or busyness, it's true that RSVPing to an evite is super fast and easy. My problem is that I truly have trouble planning as far ahead as a lot of the invites request. For a casual party, there are a lot of reasons I might not end up going 3 weeks from now- maybe I'm super tired that night, or stuck at work, or not feeling good. Maybe some people would consider those lame excuses and say that if I commit to an event, I should suck it up and go. But would you really want me to come to your party if I'm not going to be a fun guest just to eat the food you bought? In my experience, people find it a lot more annoying to get no shows from people who RSVP'd than for someone to RSVP late, so I feel that it's better for me to not respond unless I really am sure I can make it.

I should point out that I'm talking about casual parties among friends here. Most people in my social circle expect a good percent of their invitees not to respond and still show up, and they just plan accordingly. Usually those that do go would bring some food or alcohol, so the amount of refreshments ends up matching the number of guests pretty well. And it honestly doesn't bother me when people don't RSVP to my invitations. I usually don't even bother requesting it. But for something like a wedding where I know the head count is really important, I would absolutely RSVP.

Well, I'm going to be a nay-sayer here, but we don't generally have this problem or at least it doesn't bother us. We invite people for little things via email or a text message and plan accordingly. Sometimes you end up with just one other couple for dinner because few people could make it. Sometimes you have to bring a bench up from the basement because a friend was coming home from something else, but really wanted to see everyone, and oh do you mind if my cousin comes too? and you get 13 people squeezed around your table eating spaghetti and knocking over glasses of wine. Just roll with it. Your friends are your friends because you like them, right?

When we have a big party (once or twice a year) we send out the evite and allow people to add on to the guest list if they'd like. Then I make some estimates on numbers based on experience and the RSVPs. Make something that can stretch as needed, be relaxed if people who get there late don't get much to eat, and welcome anyone's offer to bring stuff. Some years we have half a bottle of wine left at the end of the night (and a few people sleeping on couches). Other years we're packing up cookies to send home with people. It all evens out and is fun. If you resent the amount of work you put into something and think it's not appreciated, you should cut back. The only thing you can control in the world is yourself. If you think your friends and guests are such horrible people maybe you should try considering what they all have in common. Ahem.

Also, if you slam the door on someone's face because they didn't RSVP, there are now two extremely rude people in the world.

For our wedding (in 2007) we sent out 100 invitations and got 17 back, that's right, 17! We also had an entire table say they were coming to our wedding only to find out the night before they still hadn't purchased their airplane tickets to the location. It baffles me these days!

As for RSVP'ing, my husband and I run a business from home and receive about 25-30 pieces of mail each day. We collect the pile and take 2 hours (!!!) every Sunday going through the week's mail: junk, shred, respond, bills, etc. It may take us a week to send a rsvp back but it always gets sent! If we get a electronic invite, since we are 2 people, it may take 2 days for us to respond because we have to discuss/coordinate both our social, work, and travel schedules. Regardless, we always respond.

I've stopped hosting so many dinner parties because I'm sick of people either not RSVPing or not showing up.

The rudeness is narcissism, and it's all over our culture. "I'm waiting for something better/I'm too busy/I don't know if I'll like the food/Who is is coming?/I don't eat . . . . . . /I don't like your electronic invitation app" is just ME ME ME bullsh*it.

This 'rudeness' does, however, allow you to winnow out people who aren't worthy of the attention. At 53 I have fewer friends that I want to invite over, but I definitely enjoy being around them more.

I think people don't RSVP because they're not sure if they can commit to the event. I try my best to give a definitive answer, but I feel terrible if I respond with a "Yes" and can't make it despite my best intentions.

Sigh.

Consider this a sort of confession. I have, indeed, not RSVP'ed (by the way, RSVP is actually a verb co-opted for nounhood, so I will use it as a verb). I was not too busy, but probably forgetful.

Same with thank-yous. No rudeness intended, but effects of rudeness acknowledged.

I now try to make a point of responding right away. I'm still not as great with thank yous, but am trying harder.

I send my repentance out into the universe. And, I pray that this is all anyone asks of me is to be sorry and try harder next time.

Most people at least I know do rsvp for the weddings. For other more informal parties you can go evite of paper but keep in mind that some older people do not use computers. Also its easy to delete something but accident thinking its junk. Most smart people say "regrets only" Then if you are coming you do not have to call. I think that is the smart way to go.

I side with the few people here who aren't bothered much by this. Invite who you want and be flexible with who arrives. Keep some extra stuff on hand (case of beer, a few bottles of wine, frozen munchies) in case it's bigger than you expected, or be prepared to send leftovers home with folks. No big deal. I've been a no-show occasionally, and I've arrived with last-minute notice. Things come up, plans change. Maybe they're looking for something better, but more likely they're tired, ill, or the new person they're dating had other plans that night and something had to give.

As for thank-you notes, yes, they're lovely to get. But Miss Manners taught us that gifts are to be given and accepted freely. If you give a gift with the expectation of receiving something in return, even a thank you note, then it wasn't truly a gift -- it was some sort of odd quid pro quo.

For a gathering at my home, I try to only invite people who have a history of replying to a RSVP. (That weeds out dozens of people, but the rudeness and laziness are unacceptable) And when I send out e-vites, I include something like: please let me know by Friday (I always make the deadline less than one week) and then on that Saturday, I send an email to anyone that has not responded by stating: "Sorry you cannot make our party. We'll see you sometime soon!" - - that usually gets an immediate response!

As I've gotten older I've realized how important it is to RSVP, and to send thank you notes. But I know that a lot of my friends haven't gotten to that point yet (especially if they've never planned a wedding and their get-togethers tend to be more casual). I just make it a point to phone people who haven't RSVP-ed and usually they're sheepish and apologetic.

I know that as life gets busier it is easy for things to fall through the cracks. Sometimes I forget to RSVP too, so I try not to judge too harshly when someone forgets.

I hate to break it to everyone, but this isn't a recent development. People have pretty much always been sh!tty about responding, s'il vous plaît.

WOW. The amount of callous people who have come up with excuses for why they don't RSVP or if they do, and don't show how that is okay.

For those who have trouble planning that far ahead, or are afraid they may be "tired" come that day (ATCommenter). Then say no. Please don't come. You obviously don't think I'm important enough to make it. And if things come up, or plans change (DavidAlex) the polite thing is to call the host and let them know that something has happened and you won't be able to come.

I'm not buying extra just to accommodate those who are too lazy to RSVP. Most of my friends and I have casual gatherings where an invite isn't formal, and we'll make sure we get a response out of you. So the FEW times there is an actual formal invite, that clearly states an RSVP is required, please respond. And if you aren't certain, or are a maybe - then please, please, please reply no.

I hate the lack of response too. I think it's because there are no negative consequences for the rudeness. I give people three chances and if I never get an RSVP, they never get invited back to my home.

I think often for electronic invitations, nobody wants to be the first to respond, especially when you can see the entire guest list and see who has rsvp'ed already. You don't want to appear overeager or look like you check your email constantly or be the only one to respond, especially if you're not super close with the host, because it just makes you feel awkward. On the flip side, if you can't see the guest list, you don't want to respond because you don't know who will be there! So then you tend to open the email, check it out, and think, I'll respond later! and end up not doing it. Basically, electronic invitations just suck.

Guilty as charged, at least about snail invites. What usually happens is that everything goes into a pile to be dealt with at once, & then the pile grows & grows....sometimes until I start getting 2nd notices on bills. It's a weird thing I've never been able to overcome, even tho' it's gotten me into lots of trouble in the past, both financially & with people left hanging over RSVPs. It's not deliberate rudeness, but I'm sure it feels like it.
Maybe other people have the same problem??

We have a game with our friends - if you've committed to be somewhere and cancel less than 24 hours before, you owe the group a nice bottle of booze next time.

But yeah, we had only 50% of our wedding RSVPs back by the deadline. AND people who had said yes cancel less than a week before.

I'm someone who really appreciates etiquette, but I cannot stand email invites that have a built-in feature of rapid-fire email alerts that so-and-so is coming. I've actually all but stopped using my email because of this. Seems as soon as I rsvp, it opens up a can of email worms. So I stopped rsvp-ing to email invites. I'll gladly respond to a phone or snail mail invite.

I have to disagree that manners are getting worse - there are plenty of people out there with great manners. The problem is that you keep inviting these people with terrible manners!! If you are rude to me, you don't get any future invites!

I'm amazed at all the people with wedding horror stories!! I'm planning my engagement party & would be livid if the same thing happened to me! I think I'll adopt one commenters approach of sending a "sorry you can't make it - lets catch up another time" email/call if they don't respond by the RSVP date - then they know they've missed the boat & can't turn up at the last minute!

@emilyryz - what if I'm a maybe? I'd like to be able to respond with maybe and let the host decide how to handle my response...

And RSVP is overused on invitations, so it get's diluted and meaningless.

If you really want an RSVP and the reason isn't obvious (wedding, dinner party, get-together at a restaurant requiring reservations) then say why it's necessary in the invite. If it's just so you know because you don't like surprises, then I don't think it's integral to the functioning of the party. If it's because of capacity of the space and if the invitee is not going to come it would open up a spot for second wave invitees or guests, then say so!

Also, I should probably mention that I'm not one of those people that minds ruffling feathers. If anyone turned up to my wedding that wasn't invited or brought a boyfriend/girlfriend that wasn't invited I would have no problem politely pointing out to them that they weren't invited & will have to leave. After all (even if they are family) they are blatantly disrespecting your wishes on your big day & deserve to be embarrassed!

I hate all this blame on "younger people." I'm an events planner at a large university (and a Gen Y-er), and I can tell you that age has nothing to do with the ability to be polite and RSVP. We are constantly tracking all sorts of people down for their responses, and we always get people who respond "yes" and don't show (with no notice) + people who don't respond and show up anyway. Drives me batty.

I am grateful that my parents taught me to always RSVP and write thank-you notes.

For those weddings across the country I can't attend and told the host so, but I still send a gift, it would be nice to know the gift actually arrived at the intended destination. No, they don't always arrive due to screwy stores, crazy delivery people, acts of weather, or thieves. Imagine sending an expensive gift with shipping to match and never hearing the gift actually arrived! A thank you note in that case is more than courtesy, it allows the giver to begin the paperwork to track the missing gift.
My mother tells me that was how folks knew their beautiful gift went awry, because no note was sent.
Miss Manners also said gifts should be acknowledged.

Sunny_Bunny, weddings are odd events. Family relationships are are very complex. You can manage to insult whichever relative/branch no matter what you do, and yet, they are allowed by the rest of the family to go scot-free on manners, courtesy, and so on.
More fun to let whichever inlaw directly involved with the planning to apply the two-by-four to those problem folks. Inlaw knows which buttons to push and which guilt trips to dump out for maximum effectiveness. For your wedding, learn to laugh now. Every wedding has some craziness.Expect it, revel in it, and prepare to share all the hilarity at future family gatherings with those people involved. ;)

Oh no, I'm one of those people. Of course, I only get invited to small, casual events via Facebook so I never feel too obligated to respond anyway. But, most of the time, the reason that I don't RSVP is because I'm very indecisive and afraid to commit one way or the other. Sorry! Strangers even comment on my politeness (comes from being a Mississippi's) but this is one area where I guess I've been really rude.

I'll also say that I hate pressing that "not going" button... So I just either click "dont know" or don't answer if I'm not going. Oops. I'll work on that.

I'm having a house-warming party this weekend, and maybe 10% of people have RSVPed. I knew it would be an issue so I just made it an "Open House" and bought enough food/drink for the people I know are coming. That way, people can show up whenever, and --as an added bonus-- will probably text when they are leaving and ask "can I bring anything" and I can say "SURE we're out of _____ can you pick up a bottle, bag, etc?" Also, the food I prepared is all stuff I will eat if there are leftovers.

Yes, RSVPing is a major problem but I find more frustrating the fact that people simply don't show or cancel at the last minute when they have said yes.

The New York Times did an article on this that I thought was interesting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/28/fashion/let-your-smartphone-deliver-the-bad-news.html?pagewanted=all

The last four times I have hosted something - everything from a private birthday dinner where I explained that the space was limited to just 12 and if people couldn't make it to please let me know know right away (four bailed that afternoon), to a casual "come over for a BBQ" - people have canceled at the last minute, often simply sending a throw away text.

This problem is nothing new--don't worry that it's only the younger generation. I'm age 64, and have been having parties for decades. In my experience, rarely more than 50% respond in a reasonable time frame, even for black-tie, multi-thousand dollar events.

What is different (and scary) is that strangers think it's OK to show up. That would never have happened 20+ years ago--unless Aunt Sally wanted to make a scene. The only way to take care of that is to state, ON THE INVITATION, that invitations will be required at the door. Then post someone strong to check and 'police' the guests. Sad, but I guess necessary.

For the non-responsers, I have a system. On your list, count the YES responses, then subtract them from the non-responses. Add back in about 50% of the non-responses and you'll have a pretty good count. For example, let say you invited 60 people. 10 responded, 50 did not. Half of 50 is 25. 25 + 10 = 35. So, 35 is your party total. This system works pretty well. I've used it for parties ranging from 50 - 300.

To cope with the cost of non-arrivals, I have another method. Get the restaurant/caterers to serve the food "family style" instead of plating it. This is also a great compromise between a buffet line and individual plating. I have done this even at restaurants that NEVER do it. Your costs will be less, the guests like it more, and you will be able to absorb the non-show-ups much more easily.

Happy planning!

As someone who just got married, we were blown away at the amount of people who just didn't return response cards after six weeks! And don't even get me started on the people who canceled (via text message) the night before...

Uncle Beefy, that's the best response ever from the hostess. I would be so tempted to do that if I had someone not only not RSVP but show up with extra guests as well.

It's not a new thing or an e-invite thing.

My mother has hosted a Ladies' Christmas brunch, Christmas Eve party, and Christmas dinner for at least 20 years. She sends out paper invites, expensive looking ones. Every year about half of the people invited to the event\s (and mostly the same people are invited every year) don't RSVP. Drives her nuts. We've finally come up with the policy that if someone shows up without an RSVP, they are welcome to stay, but if there's not enough chairs, they can stand. If there is not enough extra food, then they go hungry. We're not making extra food to cover all the people who don't RSVP but might show up anyway, anymore. It's just too expensive.

@UncleBeefy - LOVE that response by the hostess! Maybe if more people had the balls to do that, a clear message would be sent for the future of the non-RSVP'ers.

Wait til you try and plan a kids birthday party. It's one thing when invitations get lost in school backpacks but it's entirely another when you witness parents go all out for a party and then have 2 out kids out of the entire class show up or only 1 RSVP'ed. This is why I swear I will never ever allow my kids to have class birthday parties.

I've had quite a few clever friends use the "Regrets Only by -----" such and such a date. That way they only plan for the people that RSVP. If non-RSVP people show up, too bad. Goodbye.

I am also annoyed at people's lack of ability to commit to or decline an event invitation. But reading through these comments, it appears we're all in agreement. So where are all these people who don't RSVP? I would like to hear from some of them. State your case!

meecee, that was very well-said. The world would be a better place if we all tried to be as kind and reasonable as you....:)

We invite friends to gatherings because we like these people. We don't invite people to show off, to plan a perfect "event" or fancy meal. Yes, it can hurt your feelings when people are not properly excited, grateful, or attentive to your party planning efforts, but from these comments it sounds like too many of you are planning these event primarily for your selfish enjoyment and giving little attention to how your friends and their guests may want to plan their life, spend their time, or interact with you. If you really like your invitees, you should cut them some slack and stop acting like the world revolves around you and your event. It's just as rude to invite people and then treat them like naughty children for not playing your party games exactly when and how you designed them (the turning people away at the door thing just blew my mind, it was so insufferably rude).

I can sympathize with the commenters lamenting wedding RSVPs, as everyone knows how expensive and stressful weddings can be for the host couple... but for parties in general? For holidays? Brunches with friends? Why the hell would you turn away a friend at the door because they failed to RSVP when the whole point of the party was to SPEND TIME VISITING WITH YOUR FRIENDS? Oh, I guess it's because too many people just want people they barely like to come to their beautiful house and "ooh" and "aah" over your lovely food and superior hostess/host abilities. With "friends" like that, no wonder so few people RSVP to your parties!

Seriously, learn how to throw a modern party: open house for the win. Only invite people you really LIKE so you will be genuinely happy whenever they show up. Have unprententious, plentiful food that can be multiplied with a quick store run if you're lucky enough to have more guests than you anticipated.

Stodgy invites, RSVPs, overbearing hosts, and over-planning in general are not fun. Everyone is not equally busy (people with kids have way more unexpected demands, from a sick child to parent-teacher conferences they don't mail you about until the weekend before) so please don't assume the world revolves around this event you had the priviledge of planning on a day/time that definitely works for you... not everyone else will be able to confidently block out that time very far in advance. If they are truly people you care about and want to spend time with, I just can't understand why you would hold that against them. Is the party about enjoying these friendships or is it about casting all of these people in some fantasy event where you are the star/host and everything revolves around your grand master plan?

Sorry, but aside from the very legit wedding complaints, everything else sounds like people are missing the point of inviting friends to your home. And if you can't scale up for an extra <5 people at a home-based party, then you definitely spent too much money, tried too hard to impress, and need to take the pomp down a notch and focus more on fun and abundance than having everything Martha Stewart perfect. ;p

@beatrix: I agree. It's not an age thing. I've met some young people who are extremely courteous and respectful. And I've met some older people that are the same.

Whatever method used, I think it's very important. And I learned it the hard way. I missed sending one once - I had actually never heard of or seen an RSVP card before (sheltered life) and a friend of mine was getting married. His mom called me to follow up. I felt so ashamed not realizing it was in the envelope and sending it well ahead of time. Actually, I'm embarrassed even telling the tale now.

Now though, I rarely have to worry. Most people I associate with create events in Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. So I don't even get invited. It's quite sad really.

Sorry pandabot, not all of us throw keggers with pizza in our homes. To be frank, when you show up unannounced and empty handed it's seriously rude. All it takes is a text saying "Hey I found out I can make it, can I still come? I have a friend, what can we bring to contribute" makes all the difference. I really don't understand how a host is rude for putting the time, energy, and money to put on a fun night and actually caring when people abuse that.

Oh I forgot to add, I feel terribly uncomfortable "showing up" uninvited. At times a friend of the host has said I should go, but I decline. I think showing up without being invited or responding to the invitation is really, really uncomfortable and inappropriate.

And yet the people who have tried to get me to go have at times seemed offended that I didn't go along with their plan. It's so simple in my mind, but it ends up being so bloody weird.

This is it exactly! VoluptuousVegan...Hysterically put..but this is def the reasoning..and of course, the decline in manners..all messy behaved people...plane rude..i'd slight them next time..they're NOT worth it.:)

Such an interesting topic. Can definitely see how lack of RSVPs could be vexing! Instead of trying to buck what seems to be an inevitable trend, why not just switch to casual gatherings? Part of why people aren't RSVP'ing could be because they're not sure what they're going to be doing. Go with the flow and just wing it. If folks are available and motivated, they'll come. If too many show up and you don't have enough supplies, hopefully they connect the dots or head out to get something for all to share. Also - have you tried texting? Urgent stuff seems to go that route (or calls). Taking all this stuff so seriously seems like a needless headache creator. Let's get the national debt under control and let RSVPs die the quiet death they deserve.

If after reading the invite, you're not excited about your good fortune of being asked or know that date is already committed, then RSVP a pass ASAP. If they're really close; you'd do ANYthing for them, then send an 'accept' RSVP ASAP. Anything that gives you a 'maybe' vibe, please, just pass; you'll be doing the hosts a favor.

Jeff, that's a good point about casual gatherings. As some people above have mentioned, they've opted for an "open house" approach. And that might work for some things.

But what about events you DO want to know how many will be attending? Do I prepare Cornish game hens for the 3 people who said they'll show and let the others who show up unannounced watch? As a host it's a nightmare to plan for.

Wow! I had no idea this was going on...!

For our parties, we always issue personal invitations -- phone, or in person. Sometimes email. If we don't get a response (which usually comes right away with most people), we follow-up a couple of days before. We've always had good attendance at our parties.

WE sometimes have an issue with kid birthday parties, as the invite comes home right at dinner time, and then gets carried away by one child or other. It's only when a I several stabs of memoir (usually at 5:30 a.m.) that I realize I have to track it down and reply. (But we always go and bring great presents... )

grrr. autocorrect.

"It's only when I've had several stabs of memory"

People are RUDE!

This is completely true! I have been giving cocktail parties and brunches for years around my birthday (the idea is to honor all my friends/family members who make my life enjoyable) and probably only about 1/4 of those invited RSVP. Then, some who do say they'll come end up not showing up. It's very frustrating. Some call at the last minute (say, the day of the party) to say they can't make it, after not having responded for weeks!
I prefer to send paper invitations, but have tried e-mail invitations, too. Neither seems to actually get people to respond, though.

A relative of mine got married, issued RSVP invitations, and planned according to the responses. On the evening of the event, TRIPLE the number turned up, most bringing uninvited guests. The food ran out and the "guests" had the nerve to complain about the lack of food and tables. Not only that, but it was being held at a hotel with limited capacity in the function room, and the manager was tearing his hair out because of fire laws. It was thoroughly rude.

Folks, when people are putting on a nice event, have booked caterers and have budgets it is rude in the extreme not to respond, or to turn up with uninvited guests. If you prefer casual events just RSVP "no" and move on.

I usually don't RSVP because 1) I have to check with my husband to make sure we are both free (then I forget), or 2) because I don't want to go and have to think up a polite excuse (which I never come up with, so the RSVP is delayed). I know, I'm a bad person.

From what I can tell, no one seems to have blocks of free time anymore, and if they do they are so exhausted, they don't have the energy to socialize, especially if it's a party that lasts for several hours like a seated dinner.

Yeah, totally!

Glad it's not just me who has these problems! We're a small not for profit and even with workshops it's impossible to get people to commit. People will always complain 'oh why don't you run workshops in [insert location] and we often have to say, we did but no one turned up.

if people don't rsvp we have to cancel and we don't get paid and have often turned away work to keep the date free. Frustrating. We often recommend organisations who book us to charge people a fee before hand to ensure commitment...

I agree it can be frustrating. Although some of the responses are making me giggle -- waaah my precious handmade invitations didn't even get an RSVP. You made those for your own pleasure, not because it was more likely to garner a response. And sure, people are white-lying with the "I'm too busy" excuse, but also I think we tend to forget that because our party is a big event in our lives, it's not necessarily the same for everyone else. A few people had really nice reasonable solutions -- just call people up. Or if that is too strenuous, just get over it if they no-show/show up unexpectedly. It's a dang party. Try to enjoy it.

Are you serious? I fail to see how everyone's busy schedules can't possibly accommodate a 5sec message saying 'yes, I will be there' or 'no, I have other plans'. At the very least, someone who doesn't bother to answer should not just show up. If there's an RSVP, assume there's been some planning involved and have the courtesy not to throw that off if you KNOW you're not expected.

Really, the amount of time, money, and effort spent planning is up to the person throwing the party. We like to go to the extra trouble to make our friends feel like we went the extra mile for them at the holidays. The whole point is to give them the best time we know how, not to show off. If someone makes you an extra-special (and maybe expensive or time-consuming) gift, do you assume it's all so they can show off? If so, that is very sad.

wow! 108 comments.
i NEVER RSVP! actually.. i did for the first time this summer; for a friend`s wedding--I was so proud of myself!
I don`t really know what stops me from doing it....I think i am a bit commitment-phobic, and I also looove to procrastinate (which is what usually brings me to AT in the first place).
Also I find official invites and RSVP-ing kind of stuffy and formal...not really my style. It turns me off of attending an event; like the whole thing hinges on my one reply!
yes. i realize how narcissistic I sound. aren`t i fantastic?!

Invitation is the noun. Invite is the verb. eg: I invite guests by sending them a handwritten invitation. Has anyone else noticed more and more people refer to an invitation as an "invite"? It just goes to show the culture of sending invitations and responding to them is on the slide, if we can't even call these things by their correct names any more! Perhaps we should word invitations as "RSVP if you will be attending, no reply needed if you cannot attend"

I reply. I always reply Right away! I want it on my calendar and I know how the party-giver feels not knowing what the final count will be, whether the party will be a "bash" or a soiree'.

What I find really terrible, honestly, is the trend to not reply to kids' birthday parties. What gives? It seems like the height of rudeness and inconsiderateness... these are kids' feelings we're talking about here. Parents what to know how to plan for a party.

We have devised a three-point plan for birthday party invitations. 1. Float interest among those you most want to have be there, and plan around their availability. 2. Send out invites en-masse electronically. Best if invitations go out three weeks or so before the event. 3. Follow up with non-responders a week or so before the event, everyone else gets an electronic reminder of the date and time.

Our friends are moderately good at RSVPing, but it would really get up my nose if they didn't, so I guess we are lucky to have such well-mannered friends! LOL

I am teaching my kids good old fashioned manners. My grandparents absolutely insisted that we spend the morning after Christmas doing thank you letters. It was drilled into me, and while I used to sigh about it, I appreciate it now.
No email thank yous for us. My kids have to write cards the old way. People went all-out for their gifts, so a nice card is the least they can do.

I was not so careful about this until I threw a party and viewed it from the hostess' perspective. THEN I realized how important it was: I was in the position of having 12 children attending, but the 13th had not yet responded. The party favors came in packs of 12. I had to order a total of 24 party favors to cover the possibility that the 13th child MIGHT come. Responding in a timely way allows your hostess to plan a party that people want to attend: not all of us can casually throw something together and have it be fun, tasty, and memorable off the cuff. Responding allows your host to throw a better party . . . DO IT!

"Things come up, plans change. Maybe they're looking for something better, but more likely they're tired, ill, or the new person they're dating had other plans that night and something had to give."

This is just downright rude, and I think a large reason why people don't RSVP. It's called hedging your bets and just plain bad behavior. With the exception of illness or an emergency it's just not cool. Seriously, way to make a friend feel loved by saying, "oh I'm not RSVP-ing in case my boyfriend or someone more interesting has better plans that night." Ugh. If you can't commit to a couple of hours just say you're not coming. And then don't come. Not really that hard. Who wants someone at their party who is only half-interested in being there anyway?

Those that were brought up with manners do RSVP. Those that do not, well, they were raised by wolves.

I almost never RSVP yes to anything on evite. A 'no' if I know for certain we have a conflict and a 'maybe' if we don't.

I'm an introvert who works with people all day. Sometimes I am so worn down by meetings and chit chat that I need some solitude to be able to function. if I answer 'maybe' and it's a bad meetings day, I can no show (or stop by quickly and leave) without feeling awful about it and without being incredibly unpleasant to the host because I am done with people for the day.

For weddings and more formal events, I do try to go with a strict yes or no by the deadline.

@ Mister B...good wording for RSVP cards!

Text invitations/replies don't work either. Once after a hectic, overworked, and lonely week, I sent a text to 20 people about seeing a movie Friday night (I sent the text the night before) I got a few maybe's and one yes, a couple "oh, I've been wanting to see that!", but 20 people and only 6 responses. I had given the name/time of movie and ended up going to the theatre *hoping* someone, anyone would show up. 2 minutes before the movie started one friend sent a text she was still at work and couldn't make it. No one else replied, or came. I was sitting the lobby looking like a fool. I was too depressed to see the movie alone although normally I would, and went home dejected.

A text message. Yes. No. A TEXT message. If you can't take the 2 seconds to reply to a TEXT message, you're horrible.

Short answer? People are d-bags. Long answer? They're hedging their bets in case something better comes along. Which brings us full circle to the short answer.

I am similar. My family has chronic health problems. We want to be able to participate, but if we've been up til all hours the night before, you really do not want us at your party.
I lean towards more simple, "open house" type things that are flexible. People are already so stressed out these days- I want them to be able to relax and kick back without worrying about if they mailed a card to me on time. If I run out of something, or over buy supplies, well, I just have to get creative. Life happens. that shouldn't ruin a real relationship. Its less about the event and more about the people themselves.

That's exactly it - people don't want to commit.

A kegger is not a solution to people being d-bags.Especially for things like Thanksgiving dinner (5 people is the difference between a 10lb bird and a 15lb bird). I understand when life happens, but it is seriously offensive when people do that. It's not neurosurgery to say yes I can/no I can't/life happened, I can't make it in an age where there's 17 ways from Sunday to get in contact with people.

Besides not wanting to commit (which seems to be a huge problem for people) do people hate simply checking the "no" box? Does it seem rude -- because "no" means the same for "I don't like you" and "I'll be out of town"?

I'm not sure why people's lives are busier these days than every before -- and why if friends are expending all kinds of energy to host a party guests can't prioritize the time to be with them.

Man, calm down people! I sometimes don't RSVP because I have a schedule that tends to change unexpectedly, so for an informal gathering, I don't want to commit to something that I might have to miss last-minute. But can you really not account for a few more people showing up at the last minute (formal events like weddings discluded)? My favorite dinner party I ever threw was a Passover Seder with people of all faiths that grew from 8 to 15 as the night got later, with 10 yes RSVP's.

But maybe it's because of the tradition of Elijah's cup during Passover that I'm so open to this practice of expecting unexpected guests. That and I'm in my 20's... The times are changing, people shouldn't expect these practices to remain stagnant.

People have a huge amount of choice these days, in home furnishings, Starbucks coffees, internet dating, TV stations and subcultures.

And this has leached over into their social lives. People expect to have choices, and actually settling on an option, way ahead of time, feels constrictive. Why decide a month ahead what you'll be doing on a certain Saturday when a better option might turn up on the Friday?

Also, in our age of Facebook-fuelled narcissism, it's inconceivable to us that a host might prioritise having enough food and space over the (unanticipated) glory of having us as a guest. When we actually choose to go to their party, we expect them to be grateful, even if we never alerted them ahead of time.

Al of this, it must be said, is subconscious. But it's there.

My husband and I attended a wedding reception a few years ago where the bride and groom placed all the received RSVP postcards into a basket and drew names for iPod Shuffles and gift cards. We'll probably do the same thing for our next catered event (most of our parties aren't the RSVP type, so we haven't had a chance to try it yet).

The reasons I sometimes (rarely) do not RSVP are:

It's an informal party, especially if there is no indication of time on the invitation (eg, drop in from midday till dusk type of bash).

Invitations are sent WEEKS before the event, and I mean to reply nearer the time, but then forget to (particularly true of parties my children are invited to, unfortunately).

Unwillingness to commit, but not in case something better comes up. It's just hard for me to predict if I will have the time and energy on any given day.

Unwillingness to disappoint the host by turning down the invite (I know this makes no sense, as it's more disappointing for them to have no response at all!)

For all those reasons, our parties are mostly casual affairs, where we call or text friends on the morning of, or the day before. I don't think I've ever thrown an 'RSVP' event in my life.

Having said that, if I fail to RSVP on time, I would never show up at an even where I'm not expected. And if I DO commit to doing something, there is NO WAY I will not turn up or let my host down, especially if they have incurred costs. It's happened to me, when I made what I thought were firm travel plans (involving international plane and train tickets) with a 'friend', only for them to change all the plans about 2 weeks prior. Turns out they hadn't made any travel arrangements, and had kept their plans 'loose' in case their schedule changed - or another invite materialised, no doubt.

Good grief, I can't believe the way some people (an absolute minority, thank God) are defending their rudeness.

Look, we're all busy, and none of us can predict exactly how we're going to feel at point x in the future. It's beside the point. Someone extending you an invitation to a hosted event is effectively saying, 'Hey, friend, I like you and I want to spend time with you! So much so, that I want to offer you food, drink and entertainment in return for the pleasure of your company. What say you?' By not RSVP-ing, you are answering 'Meh'.

Either say 'No, thank you' or 'Yes, great!', and follow through accordingly. You are wasting your friend's time, money and mental energy with your prevaricating, which is really ungracious.

Best post ever, because who doesn't love validation?? It's a shame we can't invite each other just for the joy of actually getting a timely response. As irritating as it is to have your own invites go unacknowledged, it's painful to have that when it's your child's party. It was so bad when my daughter had her first party (at 4) that we now have a standing policy that she attends every party she's invited to, after a prompt response of course!

X number of years ago, when my best friend and I were in college and sharing an apartment in NYC, we decided to have a big Christmas party, and to invite absolutely everybody we could think of who would dislike each other. (Chalk it up to youth and warped senses of humor.) We invited about 120 people. Soon the party filled the entire apartment, including the bathroom, and flowed out into the hall, up one floor and down one floor. Sensibly, the tenants joined the fray. I met scores of interesting people I'd never seen in my life. Food and booze quickly ran out and were magically replaced by guests who went out and got more. Somewhere around 2 a.m. a Metropolitan Opera tenor sang several arias and caused some weeping. The two editors we thought would most surely hate each other subsequently got married. Three other couples met that night. RSVP indeed!

I had a friend write a printed column about a year ago touting why he always RSVPs as a non-committal maybe - in case he makes up his mind at the last minute. His piece infuriated me. I hate that disregard to the planning process for the host is commonplace. I too have this peeve about lack of commitments with RSVPs.

If it makes anyone feel better, I was director of a governor's mansion for eight years, and we had a terrible time getting people to RSVP. Lawd, if you're not going to respond to an invitation from a Governor, when will you? Are you waiting for something from the White House?

I had a lot of trouble getting RSVPs back for my wedding this summer. Most of them ended up being a "no" and felt guilty. But it's sooo much less awkward to just circle "no" on the pre-stamped RSVP and throw it in the mail than me e-mailing, facebooking, and texting you (I'm an introvert, so no talking on the phone for me).

Also, I had one person RSVP "yes" and then the day before sent a facebook message saying she wasn't going to be able to make it. She lives halfway across the country, so it's not like it was a last minute decision or anything. Plane tickets are expensive, so I wasn't offended at all, I just thought it was funny.

I am astounded by the lack of "thank-you's," especially when a monetary gift is sent out of town. I cannot stand when the only way I know it was received is by cancelled check.

I threw a big party two years ago and hardly anyone responded, but most showed up. I ran out of several items as 40 extra people is not just adding a couple more plates to a dinner table. I will not waste my time with a large party again.

It takes a lot of unpaid time and energy, plus a ton of money, to execute even the smallest party or get-together. If you don't realize this, you are probably not a good guest.

On another note, it is annoying when I plan smaller parties for family and close friends and they demand food geared to their specific diet. I have allergies, but I had never expected ANYONE to plan around that (and they do not) and I do not do this either. I hope that the food appeals to me, my immediate family and the majority of guests, but I don't specifically cater to gluten-free, etc. I think people forget that every party is not about THEM. They want the party to be worth THEIR time, serve food for THEM, have guests THEY are interested in, etc.

I tell my kids all the time that manners infractions seem invisible, but people remember them forever. I am called judgmental, old-fashioned and a bitch by some of my friends and family, but I think I am right.

Exactly! And to those who say those who are more flexible wtih RSVPs are unforgiveably rude, then I accept not being invited to your parties. I've thrown my share of parties and the number of attendees has always been about 10-15% more or less than the number who respond to the invitation. It's called a margin of error -- learn to love it. And incindentally, you get a similar margin of error for who brings stuff (food and booze) even when they're told not to! Put another way, you can only plan so much, and beyond that the goal of the host is to be welcoming, flexible and gracious.

And just to echo Pandabot's thoughts, the people you've invited are your friends. They're not perfect, but you love them anyway. Just as you're not perfect but they love you. The point of parties is to spend time with these people, so if one type of party stresses you out, it's time to find some other way to spend time with them, rather than get your panties in a knot because certain friends don't conform to your expectations.

My impression is that people, particularly younger people, are not socialized to be polite guests. My mother was a stickler for ensuring I wrote "thank you" notes to all my relatives, every Christmas and birthday. That habit has stuck with me through adulthood.

Today people just don't seem to take anyone else's time seriously. Whether this is because of social media or not, I don't know. But I see a lot of entitlement and rudeness in general, and far too little display of genuine manners or consideration for others.

I am usually very prompt with my RSVPs - EXCEPT - when people send one invitation for my entire household, which includes my husband, me and 3 adult children who still live at home and are either working crazy schedules or in college. Then it usually means responding at the last minute because I become responsible for trying to nag everyone about work schedules, which they usually have to wait on to find out if they were given the requested time off. If you want to invite adult children who still live in their parents house, please send them their own invitations. It's hard to expect them to be responsible when you expect their Mommy to manage them, plus, it makes them feel like they're not really wanted at your party, like they're an afterthought, so they aren't going to go out of their way to accommodate you. That's my pet peeve about RSVPing. Otherwise, yes, it's rude to not respond. Over the years it's gotten worse. When my kids were small, there were always the people who didn't respond for kids birthday parties and showed up, or whom I would have to track down for an answer if it was being held somewhere other than my home. Now, most people don't even bother RSVPing at all and that REALLY gets me. I don't care if you wait until the deadline, just let me know one way or the other. And don't EVEN get me started about thank you cards!...

" If you want to invite adult children who still live in their parents house, please send them their own invitations."

Yes! How about, if you want to invite adult children, please send them their own invitations, period! I'm almost 30 and my sister is 32. Cousins still send invites for family gatherings to our mother. It bothers me because I want that information directly in my inbox (and would like to know that I'm old enough to RSVP for myself ;)). My mother hates it because my sister is one of those people who is "flexible" about RSVPing and my mother doesn't want to wait for my sister to get her act together.

My friend had a jewelry party last night. 12 people RSPVed (evite) and only 5 of us showed up. One of those who showed up was only a maybe too! the maybe couldn't believe how rude people were. Not even sending a text to say weren't coming.

I read somewhere in the age of facebook Yes is maybe, Maybe is no and No is I hate your guts.

Also I have another friend we invite to everything and she never responds. We know she's on facebook all the time and has an iphone so there is no excuse for not responding. she'll whine when she sees the pictures online of us out that we didn't invite her when we did and she snubbed us!!

my family really does this sort of thing either be personal email or phone call. We tend to have smaller gatherings too. Have more than enough food for the people we know will come, and of course plenty more for whatever stragglers we'll be happy to see. End up with a lot of leftovers, but it's ok.

I'm with everyone else - it's terribly rude and annoying to not RSVP, or to not update your RSVP if your situation changes somehow (things happen). Anyone who's planned a wedding or other event outside their home with vendors, etc. automatically understands the importance of the RSVP.

On the flip side, I have a sister-in-law who was hosting a 1st birthday for my niece (I know this isn't a baby birthday discussion, but bear with me). She didn't send out invitations, but sent out a mass text invite the week of the party (which drove me crazy). I had several people call me and say "was this a pity invite?" to which I had to reply, "No, that's just how she does invitations." They ended up having OVER 50 PEOPLE show up. No clue how many were intended. The whole ordeal almost gave me hives.

Anything formal like a wedding, an rsvp is required and those just showing up should be turned away. But there is a whole range of other parties that have varying needs of rsvp. I do personally hate evites that make you publicly announce yes or no, and they can get easily lost in my overflowing inbox. And most of my fb invites are for large public events that really don't require a response - fb is not a method for small private invites, imo.

There are probably some workarounds too to ensure you as a host will have an easier time. I would think going potluck and specifically requesting that guests bring a food item is one way to work around an unknown amount of attendees. I like the idea of text messaging or even a phone call as a follow up to the original invite too - people are people and will respond if it's a one-on-one conversation.

My confession is I often don't respond immediately because I am quite introverted and need to make sure I don't have too many social commitments all stack up within a few days of each other. Once a week is fine with me, but seriously two or more commitments and I have to begin to weigh which one is the most important for my energy levels. Extroverts won't understand this dilemma, but fellow introverts will totally agree, I know.

This whole thread is making me laugh. It seems there is a fairly clear generational split. The times, they are a'changing. The funny part is those of the older generation complaining about those of the younger. Who do you think raised us?

I'm in my 20s (so I disagree about desiring a response being generational) and one of my biggest pet peeves (besides lateness and meanness) is people not responding to my invitations. I send them electronically since via post is more expensive (versus free online). I even say in the invitation to "please respond; I won't be offended if it's a 'no'" and people still don't respond. I end up sending out a message to those who haven't responded or have responded with a 'maybe' about a week before whatever I've invited them to asking them to let me know their intentions and I generally get very few responses. It really pisses me off. I am putting forth my time and money to host you in my home and you can't offer me the simple courtesy of a response to my invitation? I mean, come on!! I'm trying to plan how much food and drink I need to buy. [Rant over, haha.]

Drives me nuts (p.s. i'm young--it's my generation doing this)
Here's what happens to a good number of people:
-receive email/evite/facebook invite.
-look at guest list
-decide you don't want to be too eager by replying right away
-forget to reply
-realize there's a party the day of the party and either show up or bail

reasons for bailing: something better came along or not wanting to put in the effort into brining something/getting dressed. so tired from the work week. couldn't think of going out. let's stay in and watch a movieeeee.

bleh.

Simple - if you ask for an RSVP state that anyone who doesn't RSVP within a given time frame will be understood as not coming. If they do show up - show them the door.

I'm thinking of hosting a dinner party - and not showing up.

I'll meet my friends who RSVP at a bar, and let the procrastinators ring the doorbell and wonder if they've got the wrong day.

When the stragglers ask me about it, I'll just look at them and say, "Well, I'm a little commitment-phobic, something more interesting than hanging out with you came up."

Is that rude? ;-)

@home-body - good point about the publicity of the facebook and other e-vite systems. I hate that I announce to the world my attendence to someone's event. No thanks... F

acebook invitations get ignored by me since I simply don't check it. I use it only to log in to things and check the messages every so often, but I never check the events since they're mostly random promo things that get stuck in by some company that pays facebook to invite me.

my goodness, so many horror stories!!! I am guilty not RSVPing fast enough, even to my best friend's wedding (did it last minute).

Reasons:
1. happen to be not in the social mood
2. not sure if i want to go or not want to go
3. not wanting to commit and then have to cancel
4. not wanting to be festive in holiday season

I agree that wedding is a big no-no because of the cost involved. A sit-down dinner is easily $50 or more per guest. It's terrible not to RSVP or to RSVP and being a no show.

Often wonder about what happens to small dinner party? it seems that people don't do this much anymore.....

We have also stopped hosting a yearly event (that is on the same date every year-not difficult people!) because of the lack of response. It's a shame because we really love having people over.

My husband's birthday turned out quite well recently. I sent the invite, reminded people, reminded them again, and then thanked every person individually via e-mail for coming along with a personal note as to why it meant something to my husband that they were there.

The upside is that I now know exactly who will come or respond, so I only base future events on those people's availability. Everyone else can get stuffed if they can't make it (or must have broken arms because they can 't take the time to say yes or no).

I've never hosted a dinner party and would never send paper invitations for one, but I only just now realized how common this is. It might not be a generational thing, it could also be a cultural thing. I'm hosting Thanksgiving and so far I have nine confirmed (in person/over the phone), one probably confirmed, and two maybes. This is because of, surprise!, my mother. Her boyfriend's brother has no one to spend Thanksgiving with, so she says he'll be coming. She also said maybe my grandmother and her husband might be "dropping by." She can't confirm whether any of her brothers or their families will be attending. And of course, we could not turn them away, so if they do come with no notice, I will simply have to swallow it in silence.

A couple years back, I hosted Thanksgiving for what I expected to be five or six people. It ended up being about 25 (none of whom brought anything!) because my mother (said she only) mentioned it to her brother who mentioned it to another brother, etc. Some people who were most looking forward to my ham, like my little brother, didn't even get to eat. What probably happened is she told them to drop by if they have a chance, probably figuring they wouldn't, and she completely neglected to tell me. I still haven't forgotten every moment of that humiliating experience, and to this day, she still feels comfortable with this method of invitation. In all fairness, after I have repeatedly reminded her of that disaster, she has been more diligent about securing confirmations. However, she grew up in Mexico and word of mouth is pretty much their culture. She was utterly appalled when I told her about the American custom of gift registries.

So I will be happy for the day I begin using paper invitations and online RSVP's.

It's probably already been said, but just look around at all the self-absorbed behavior with phones. You look ridiculous. My wife went to lunch with a cousin of mine. First thing she did was prop up her iPhone on a little stand. For God's sake!

I don't really think a better discussion could be had on why we are going backwards as quickly as we seem to be. Yes, it's rude to not RSVP, but I think it's less out of intent than good old fashion narcissism.

Ugh, I would've said sorry, I didn't make enough food for 12, and because you didn't respond, you can either stay and not eat, or leave.

If you don't have the courtesy to RSVP, I don't have the courtesy of being polite.

Teach your children what RSVP means.

I was at the checkout at Trader Joes recently and the 20-something cashier was chatting up the 20-something customer by commenting on her bottle of RSVP wine. "What does RSVP mean, anyway? I see it as a link on evites." No kidding!

Oh, and 20-something customer didn't know either. I had to explain :-)

It seems I'm luckier than many! I host people for dinner all the time (like at least twice a month) and other events as well, and people are generally really good at responding. I usually send email invites, and then follow up with anyone who hasn't responded the day before. Though once a couple showed up (late!) after not having responded at all, and I seamlessly found chairs for them, got plates, and served them without a hitch. I was pretty proud :)

But yes, I've never understood people not rsvping (I'm in my early 30s) and think it's outrageous. Get on it, people.

I invited a friend and her husband in person to brunch at my house. On the day, they never showed. Wanting to salvage my day, (as I was feeling a little 'what did I do?' when they said they were coming and turned up to be a no-show) I decided a little retail therapy would make me feel better. Who should I run into at the mall?... She had nothing to say.

Another friend I invited to dinner called me 5 minutes before I was about to serve and said she had a stomach bug. This excuse has also been used by family. I don't know what it is, I am a great cook and I love sharing my time and company, but it seems whenever I extend the hospitality, people don't want to know about it.

I tend to agree it is a commitment thing. Obviously right up to the last minute, people don't know if they are in the mood for you or it is too much effort.

It's all about commitment and people not wanting to because they don't know if they'll feel like it that day at that time. My boyfriend is kind of like this and when I point out how selfish and rude it is he agrees and we decide yay or nay. And then you know you're going and you get yourself in the mood and muster it together if you're not in the mood. And if it's an event or people that you have a hard time getting in the mood to see or that you'd put below some other event that might crop up that tells you something too.

My friend didn't bother to RSVP to my wedding. I supplied the card, self-addressed envelope and the STAMP and she STILL didn't RSVP. That was five years ago. I'm still miffed.

word! : )

I agree with this post so much. I stopped having big parties because so many people NEVER reply. (even when it's just to go for drinks at a pub.) Or, they would just wait until the very last minute, and then say, oh darn, I have somewhere else to be. I also agree with the thank you note problem. We never got a thank you for the wedding gift we gave my cousin and his wife. Grrr...

I have had this very gripe session with my best friends numerous times (usually after a party with an unexpected number of guests). Whether I use facebook, e-vites or good old fashioned snail-mail paper invitations, what I get more often than people just not responding is friends RSVPing "maybe" when they have no intention of actually attending in what I can only guess is an attempt to not hurt my feelings. As much as I hate when people don't respond and then show up anyway, I find it immensely MORE rude when they respond "maybe" and then never give a final "yes" or "no". It is incredibly arrogent to expect the host or hostess who has probably gone through a lot of trouble planning and throwing a party so that their guests (maybe even more so than themselves) might have a good time and then graciously requested the pleasure of your company for you to not even dignify their invitation with a clear response.

All a "maybe" response says to me is "I know you went through all this trouble but haven't decided if I really want to go to your party but more than that I don't want to tell you or take a chance on being rude and hurting your feelings. Besides I may get a better offer so I don't want to commit to your event just in case and then if somethig else that seems more fun doesn't come up I may think about still showing up so your party can be my safety net."

I've had this happen so many times that I've been forced to stoop down to the level of my poorly mannered party invitees by telling them that "if they don't at some point officially RSVP 'yes' that I will assume they are not coming and there may not be anything for them to eat or drink when they show up which would make for awkward evening for both of us". yes, I know it's childish and a little petty but it has proven to be somewhat successful.

I don't think that's it's a question of generation I think it's definitely a question of good versus bad manners. I'm 27 and this has been something that has bothered me to my core since my teen years. I was raised to always be polite and considerate of other people and I have never understood how this is not common practice. Perhaps I'll actually make good on my threats to buy everyone I know etiquette books for Christmas one year.

@Carrotsticks and @anyone else who thinks it's okay not to RSVP. It's more than just the hostess being a big baby and not liking surprises. @sunsweet requesting an RSVP isn't necessarily meant to make the guest feel like it's an obligation to commit. At least for me and RSVP is how I find out whether I should throw a party or if I'm wasting my time for ingrates who don't even have the respect for me as their friend to let me know if it's worth my time or money to continue with the plans and not cancel. I'll give you a great example:

6 months ago I moved from my home town to a town an hour and a half away. 3 months ago I let all of my friends know that I was planning on having a party for my birthday and to show off my new place (since i never officially had a house warming party) the following month and proposed a few dates for my closest friends and I to come to a decision on in an attempt to find one that would work for most of us and then if my more casual friends weren't able to make it so be it but at least my best friends would be there. Since I knew the few of them would have to travel a little way to attend but since it was really important to me that they be there I made every effort to make it easy on them offering them a place to stay for the evening, trying the help coordinate travel plans and letting them in on deciding the party date. Almost all of them said they would be there so I started making plans and sent out the official e-vite. In addition to the 6 of them I invited about 30 or so other friends. I received about 6 yes (4 of which were from my 6 closest friends), 3 no, 10 maybe responses and from the rest I heard nothing. I assumed from the RSVP list there would be around 10 people in attendance so I planned accordingly including plenty of food (from scratch) and cocktails. The night of the party only my best friend, a neighbor I had just met a few weeks before and two other friends I had made since relocating showed up. That was it! Most of the people that told me yes didn't even bother to cancel at the last minute. Oh, and my two new friends showed up late, stayed an hour and then excused them selves to the other plans they had made as a back up. Had all of my "friends" been honest with me I could have saved my self a world of trouble not to mention time and money and spent a night out having a great time with my best friend. Needless to say my birthday not to mention my desire to ever throw a party again (something I have always loved to do) was ruined by arrogance, rudeness and a lack of honest RSVPs.

So I think I speak for everyone who has ever had a party ruined by not knowing who if anyone was coming. Yes, it is absolutely necessary that an RSVP happen regardless of the answer. Most hostesses/hosts don't care what excuse you cook up if you don't want to or can't attend since chances are if someone doesn't really want to be there the party will be more will with out them. We just want honesty to avoid feeling like all of our efforts were in vain.

As an introvert with social anxiety, if an RSVP is required I give an immediate no. Any sort of stringent party that requires that sort of planning is going to result in a Xanax-infused evening. I certainly appreciate the type of person who can throw such an organized party, but that sort of social setting is not my cup of tea. I am far more likely to attend an open-house setting where I know I can leave when I need to. That said, I always respond yes or no, and I always bring a hostess gift when appropriate.

Can we talk about invitation timing?

It seems like every time I get an invitation, the timing is really off for a genuine RSVP- either it's a day or two before (necessitating a massive game of schedule Tetris- what can I move into what place in my evening so I can make it?) or it's like 4 months before, in which case, other than say a wedding, i have no idea if i'm going to be able to make it- I don't plan anything in advance that far!

As a host, I find that 3 weeks is usually my golden number. That way I don't get a bunch of people saying yes and then backing out in the last week before the event.

"Often wonder about what happens to small dinner party? it seems that people don't do this much anymore..."

I used to give small dinner parties (six people, because that's how many fit at my table) all the time. Often in honor of someone's birthday, or to celebrate a promotion, or an engagement, etc. I like to cook and people who did come to dinner at my house always praised me to the skies for how great the food was, how thoughtfully everything was planned, etc. But I quit doing it for precisely the reasons expressed here.

People would say they were coming and then not show up. People would bring others and not tell me in advance. It's expensive to feed six people, including cocktails, wine, and fancy desserts. My last dinner party was when I made a lasagne for six and NO ONE showed up. I resigned from hosting. I've actually had my former guests ask me, "Why haven't you had one of your lovely dinner parties lately?" I say, "I quit. Because you are one of the many people who said they were coming and then failed to show up. Also, you have never invited me to dinner. So I made the leap that you were no longer interested in dining with me." You should see their faces.

Wow, so many people have chimed in already but for what its worth, here's my take. I don't think people are any ruder today. In terms of formal wedding invitations, I think people have always had to track down a few people down to get an RSVP. The change I see is that with the onset of email and Evite, invitations to non-formal gatherings have become more formalized. Pre-email, when we planned a gathering/party/picnic/BBQ, we called or invited people when we happened to see them. Did we expect an answer right there and then? No, not usually. The invitation was generally more casual. You hoped people would come and tracked down rsvps from people who you really wanted to attend.

@Jukesgrrl EEEE! But good for you, ..Your dinner parties sound very delightful. People didn't realize what a lovely and oh so nice, opportunity to be a part of your spirit of entertaining and generosity of your spirit and sense of fun! ..

This is pretty commonplace amongst my circle of friends and sadly, my own family. But when you set your standards and expectations for others so high and they don't meet them, you may become resentful. And if you are resentful, you may shut them out or throw your hands up altogether and stop inviting people over. And then you are alone. I've learned that the enjoyment of hosting and entertaining is not about THEM, it's about YOU. Set your expectations of others low, and enjoy the process itself. And make food that freezes well in case you end up with leftovers.

I think this has a lot to do with whether you're inviting real friends or those who are actually just acquaintances. (Do you talk to them regularly and intimately apart from any obligations you have with them, for example?) Those are the people to stick to if you want great communication and accountability. If you want to cast a net out to your fringe social circle, the reality is that you have to roll with the results, fair or not... and until you try, you'll never know who will appreciate it. Also, I do think the more personal the invitation, the more personal the response - I'm far more likely to attend an event to which I was invited by phone or mail than by evite (or mass text, yuck)... you know you were wanted, not just thrown on a list if someone actually reaches out to you individually.

Wow, I am amazed at the wide range of responses. I, like so many of the writers, love to entertain. I enjoy cooking, planning, trying new recipes, and even cleaning the house especially well in advance of a party. However, like so many of you have had often really poor responses when I invite people to our house, by phone, e-mail or snail mail. I even write on the invitation, please let me know if you're coming and how many so I make sure I have enough food and beverages!

So now I do open houses and try to guestimate how many people will come. I did have an episode of extra people showing up once, so I pretty much emptied my refrigerator of brunch type food, did some more cooking and served the extra guests.

I do think it is inconsiderate of people not to rsvp. It's not about trying to impress anyone. It's about gathering some of our friends together and enjoying some conversation, a few laughs and some food. So with some folks who don't rsvp or have said they would come and then did not, and they did this a few times, I decided well, they don't like to plan, so I'll visit with them in other ways.

I work long days and have lots of obligations, too, and I do rsvp when I am invited to parties, so being busy is just not an acceptable excuse. Everyone I know is very busy!
And for those of you who had to chase people to get rsvp's for your wedding! Oh, that's terrible! Certainly emergencies do come up, and I am very understanding about that.

With some people, I have stopped asking. Courtesy is important.
Susan R

Wow, these horror stories have pretty much discouraged me from ever entertaining! ... Maybe I should stick to my usual procedure, which is to invite people to events elsewhere, not at my place. I round up the info, lead off the email subject line with the word RSVP and the date/name of the event, and send to a group of people, and see what happens. I don't use Evite. ... For entertaining at home in the future, I think I'll either do an open-house with turkey gumbo (fine if you don't come; it's one dish -- plus asst'd nibbles and drinks on the side -- and I'll freeze the leftovers) OR do a potluck.That should cut down on some of the stress and expense involved while still having the basics for a good time.

(I also wonder if the whole Meetup phenomenon has exacerbated the RSVP problem. There it's common for a whole raft of people to RSVP for an event but for only one-half, at most, to actualy show up. Honestly, if you don't intend to come, cancel out in advance or, better yet, don't RSVP in the first place.)

I'm an introvert. My good friends know that about me, my family is my family and it doesn't matter, I like them.

My good friends who know me know that if they really are looking for "the pleasure of my company" they're not going to throw some elaborate meal for me and 25 other people I may have met ONCE. Jesus, I'm getting itchy just thinking about it. Also, they call me and invite me, or email me. I respond.

One of my oldest friends throws huge parties with Evites all the time. I may know people there from way back when, or from some similar awkward party 8 months ago, but those people aren't my normal everyday crowd. I'm not THIER normal everyday crowd. My friend will passive-aggressively comment, "Can you please RSVP?" on the phone (she did this JUST TODAY when calling to say she wasn't coming to dinner at my house tonight after all - I'd been cleaning for two hours and had several more planned). These parties are GREAT fun for her - she gets everyone she knows in one place at the same time! These parties are AWFUL for me - I have to make small talk for 2-3 hours with people who aren't my close friends while hoping she'll come by and chat with me for a little while so I can leave and sit in peace.

In short, you people with your "I sent an invite to 50 people and 10 responded!" - do those 50 people know and like each other? It's one thing for you to desire everyones' company, it's another if those people don't desire all of that same company. And yes, in many cultures it is beyond the pale to outright say "No" (know any Indians? I live with two) - deal with different styles of communication by COMMUNICATING.

Weddings are not included in this rant - I know you must RSVP to a wedding well in advance. If I'm going, I have RSVP'd.

Not RSVP'ing is not new. None one from the grooms family RSVP'ed for my stepdaughtered wedding in 1981. Her mother and I figured his family didn't know what it meant. Eight children raised by a divorced single mother was apparently not introduced to the finger points of courtesy. We planned for all of them to attend with their kids. They did. As the wedding and reception was at our house it didn't matter.
We loved getting the Evites to our sister-in-laws annual Thanksgiving blast. Love to see whose coming and bring what. Being gluten intorerant I bring several things to the potluck for our daughter and me. The more people show up the merrier. There is a supermarket about 5 miles away so any number of additional people can be handled.

Trust me, try http://whoozin.com for RSVPing online. It's fairly new and it's free.