I used to have an older neighbor who was charming and friendly at first, but became very needy and intrusive later. Because at first I saw his frequent visits as friendly behavior, I never set boundaries for what is acceptable. I paid the price later and he got into a routine of invading my privacy in every way possible. Everyone has a different definition of privacy and appropriate neighbor relations.
I learned my lesson with my unfortunate neighbor experience. My mother and I could later laugh about the situation but I decided to put together a list of rules to have a successful relationship with neighbors. As with any relationship, it is important to set the rules and boundaries from the beginning. Be clear about what you expect.
- Borrowing Policy: Discuss if you will or will not borrow items from each other such as an occasional egg to the electric drill. If you decide you want to borrow personal items from each other, set the terms and conditions. For example, will you bring the object back in its original condition? Will you borrow the item for one week or do you return the item after a month?
- Accepting Packages/Mail: Mail can be very personal and some people may prefer that no one handles their mail. Establish if it is acceptable to accept each other's mail or packages when necessary. What may seem like common sense to one person, may be unacceptable in someone else's mind.
- Parties: Your lifestyle may or may not agree with your neighbor's lifestyle. If your neighbor loves to entertain every weekend and you are studying for finals, try to respect each other's needs without sacrificing too much.
- Loud Noises: Loud noises include more than just music; it also includes singing, playing musical instruments, construction, pets, and I am sure you can name a few more. Last weekend I was highly entertained listening to a neighbor sing opera while the other neighbor screamed out her window telling the opera singer to go to a studio. This went on for 10 minutes. Eventually someone gives in, but does anyone really win in a standoff? As with the parties issue, there may be a way to come to an agreement so everyone wins.
- Privacy: Some of us are more private than others. My current neighbor questions some of my guests she hasn't met before. In theory it is good to have a neighbor who keeps an eye out for suspicious activity; however, you want your guests to feel welcome and not have to go through the interrogation every time they come to visit.
- Friends/Not Friends: Just because you are neighbors, don't assume that your neighbor will become your best friend. Some people prefer to keep to themselves and maintain their own set of friends. If your neighbor simply wants to be your neighbor and not a friend, it is usually not personal.
What are your tips to maintaining a healthy relationship with your neighbors?
Image: Flickr Member Mills Baker via Creative Commons
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Sorry, but this reads as more of a personalized rant directed towards neighbors than a piece about boundaries.
I am currently struggling with this. We have a close knit homeowners association and because of that we have been able to accomplish a lot of DIY projects together. Still, I don't consider any of them to be friends. For me, our DIY efforts were simply to improve property values and conserve the funds in our HOA reserves for a true emergency. Although others have "bonded" through all our projects and hang out together much of the time they get pretty miffed that I don't want to hang out with them. The truth is they all drink heavily and I simply would prefer not to.
Perhaps this article could benefit from a more adult approach to understanding behavior on both sides that lead to good/bad boundaries. What are YOU doing Marcia to foster a better relationship, what are YOU doing to set boundaries... etc... it goes both ways.
I guess I live in the world's best neighborhood. We look out for each other, come together once or twice a year for block parties then leave each other alone the rest of the time. Neighbor's son Ben just took up drums in school, other neighbor's son is in a rock band. They both practice maybe an hour here and there but never past 8 pm. Neighbors have quiet gatherings with no music (thank heavens) but laughter and quiet chat is a welcome sound.
I can't imagine needing a list like this one for our neighborhood. It all goes without saying, I guess.
If I had a neighbor like yours I suppose I'd have to make boundaries with just that one person, it's never too late to start.
Be kind and gentle, he's probably very lonely.
that photo creeps me out. i have a pseudo-peeping tom as a next door neighbor, and don't know how to discourage his peeping other than a solid 10-foot wall at the property line.
You forgot one of the most potentially problematic aspects of neighbors. Children. If you have them, if they have them, etc. It can be a minefield. Young kids, teens, whatever. I met one of my neighbors when I found her son in my garage going through my refrigerator. You might end up with a kid hanging out all the time because the parents have poor boundaries. Your kid may not like a neighbor kid, but they are constantly ringing the doorbell. Loud teen parties, drag racing up and down the streets, middle of the night basketball games, etc. Whether or not a parent can or will control their child is TOTALLY random, and therefore can't even be approached in a rational manner.
We live on a corner, so only one neighbor...and we wave, say hello and are done with it. Borrow the occasional ladder, give it back when you're done. Ask before digging a giant bush out that is right on the property line, etc. Basically: Be a descent human being, and things will be fine. If you have a problem neighbor, tell him it bothers you when he stops by every day (hey, I've got a pretty hectic schedule, can't have visitors all the time, blah, blah, blah) or, don't answer the door!!! Just because the doorbell rings, doesn't mean you have to answer.
My friend has a great block, where they have a "community tools" list, borrow from one another, let kids run through yards, etc. That would drive me crazy, but it works for them. I guess, if you don't want to deal with neighbors, good and bad, maybe move to the country.
As Quentin Crisp said never invite someone under 23 yrs old to stop by anytime, because they will.. that always cracked me up but its true for any age I guess.
I don't have any issues with my neighbors, really lucky to have such great ones. I do have to remind the aging hipsters that live above me that it's not cool the slam the doors at 2:00 am I know you are coming off your e but people below you do sleep.
Ugh, what a nightmare. I like the idea of a community tools/shared belongings list - might think about starting something like that in my current building.
Its really an intuition and a case by case situation. I wish we lived in a world where everyone cleaned up after themselves and was considerate, where we all looked out for one another. aah, that would be nice. I would be the first to jump to help one of my neighbors...I think we should all make it our goal to be pleasant to one another...any involvement beyond that is a personal decision.
As you get older you begin to understand REALLY old people - they are lonely, they can't always cope with the constantly changing neighbours - they just want to know ONE PERSON in their neighbourhood will take the time and effort to be nice to them - ONE DAY YOU WILL BE THAT PERSON!!!!!!
Be a little generous and try to find a way of being nice to your neighbour that doesn't mean he has to depend on you every day. Even if you need to schedule him into your weekly planner - just make a little time for him and you will be amazed how much you will mature and learn about yourself.
I love my neighbors! They're one of the reasons we made an offer on our house. Jerry, who lives next door to us is amazing -- a little talkative, but warm, and mellow, and knows so much about our weird lil' neighborhood. On the other side is a cute sweet young couple with a great yard and a sweet dog (and great taste in music). Best thing is, we're all friendly, but we keep our distance. I plan on living here for 30 years or more, so we're starting off slowly with socializing too much. Let the friendships develop over time, y'know. Boundaries are good with neighbors.
I always have a smile and a brief "hello" for my neighbors when I pass them in the hallway or on the street.
Beyond that, I keep to myself and leave them to enjoy their lives unharrassed by discussions of borrowing policies or whatever.
It works for me.
I'm all about privacy, the occasional wave and hello is ok but other than that I say leave me alone. When we lived in military housing people let their kids run around as if it were the perfect safe commune. I had brats running through my house, yes through my house, when my kids were too young to have friends that old. Their mothers didn't care, I shooed those monsters back the way they came. Community tools? Maybe if it's a duplex or apartment but not in a single family neighborhood. Don't have it? Go buy it so you're not knocking on my door every time you need it.
It all depends on the person. Some people I'd like to know better, others I don't care about. My next door neighbour I wished I knew better, because from a selfish point of view I'd like to have someone to check on my house, close my blinds, etc. when I'm away, but I just don't know her well enough to ask. Others, I'm perfectly happy to never have to speak to them.
Wow. I am sorry that you had a bad experience with a neighbor. I but if you move somewhere and decide to set all these rules and boundaries upfront, I think you will pretty much be regarded as a total nut case.
Be nice to your neighbor, and if a problem arises discuss it. I think that is enough.
Great American Poet Robert Frost said it best: "Good fences make good neighbors."
MENDING WALL
Robert Frost
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun,
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."
[To the best of my knowledge, this 1930 poem is out of copyright.]
When we moved into a house we had a lonely old man who was an alcoholic living in a converted garage by our garage. The previous owners told us about him and that they let him use their (our) clothes line. We had no problem with that but soon realized we had a situation when he was laying on my daughters slide totally drunk and she wanted to play on her play set.
Our solution? We built a fence (which we had always intended to do) with a gate right by the above mentioned neighbor. On each of our gates we installed a latch that required releasing a dog lease type clasp to open. We proceeded to show our neighbor how to use the latch so he could come in a use the clothes line. It was quite effective since he could not manage the latch while inebriated. We had a very good relationship until the day he died, sadly, alone in his home.
Wow, why are some people bagging on the writer of this article? Did they read the article? Seems to me that she's saying what they are: set boundaries when needed, be considerate and tolerant within reason.
@flaxfarmer, I find your comment about old people being lonely condescending. Not all old people are sitting at home waiting for visitors that never show up. Many are active and have plenty of people in their lives. And people of all ages can be lonely. I think pigeonholing people is one of the ways that we get in trouble with neighbors (and others). As a married childfree couple, my husband and I have been cast as the neighbor's free-baby-sitters (we had the time after all!) and the kid-haters. Neither of which was true or appreciated, and led to some conflicts with neighbors. I try not to make that mistake with others.
We're fortunate to have friendly neighbors on both sides of us, but one of them smokes on his back porch and the smell drifts into our windows--is there anything we can say to him, or are we stuck? Our houses are only 18 inches apart, so as much as I respect his right to do what he wants on his property, there is the whole secondhand smoke issue. We've already changed bedrooms and put an A/C unit in the worst window, but we'd like to be able to have the windows open occasionally...any words of advice?
we honestly moved from our last place because we could no longer stand our obnoxious neighbors. He are just some things I remember off the top of my head.
They thought I was a prude because I said I was uncomfortable letting my 12 son hang out at their house with their son because they thought it was OK to let their 8 year old daughter run around naked. Also the father frequently ran around in nothing but a very small towel. Creepy to me.
We had a perfectly good fence between us they they wanted to take down and put up something much taller and uglier. Also I thought the estimate they got was WAY too high. We offered to pay our portion of a reasonable fence and offered my husbands carpentry skills. When fence building day came they started really early. When we got there they had completed our side. When my husband noted that they had lined up knot holes which would eventually ruin the fence the husband had a major temper tantrum and threw my husbands tools (which he had borrowed) back over the fence onto our yard. That was the last time we spoke to them-but they did keep and cash our check for the fence.
All this was followed by their son stealing from our open garage, banging on our fence when we weren't home to drive our dog into a frenzy, their daughter sticking a hose through the earlier mentioned knot holes and spraying water through our open window-ruining a portion of our hardwood floors and destroying
some family pictures.
sarahgraham,
if someone's looking in your windows, stand at the window and shout across the yard, "why are you looking in my windows?" or get a copy of the peeping tom law, blow it up and tape it across the window so he can see it. he knows he's wrong, so call him on it.
sometimes people develop rude habits they can't help without the gentle prod of embarrassment.
my neighbors have a parrot! have you ever heard a parrot scream!? it sounds as if someone is being murdered, every freaking morning, and every 7 or 8pm.. ugh. i truly hate the bird. you would to, trust me. what to do? help!
I wish I had set boundaries early on with the neighbors. The family one home north of us consists of a mother, father, two sons (21 and 15) and a daughter (12). The father works as a security guard, the mother doesn't work and the 21 year old is also unemployed. They rent the home. My husband and I are childless and own our home.
Our first halloween in the home, I put together special baggies of treats for the neighborhood kids. The mother really appreciated this gesture and 2 weeks later, asked us to be her son and daughter's sponsors for their Catholic confirmation, after briefly discussing my Agnostic views. She said her kids had no family or close family friends to turn to and that even made her daughter ask with her.
I felt cornered and agreed to help with the ceremony and offered to buy her daughter a dress. The mother accepted, yet when I brought over the dress, she asked for shoes and various other items I had not offered to sponsor.
I should have taken this as a sign because ever since then, the family imposes on our time at all opportunities. The children often complain of not having sweaters or new shoes. They will complain about not having been fed dinner at 9 at night. The children even sit in the home's picture window and run out to my husband and I the moment we walk outside. The parents say nothing about this behavior. They are obviously neglected.
I don't particularly like the parents and have absolutely nothing in common with them. I don't agree with their lack of parenting and feel that agreeing to help them was one of the biggest, dumbest mistakes of my life. I'm always tempted to call CPS, but I know it would be impossible to do so anonymously.
We're mostly very fortunate with our neighbours, and boundaries haven't been a problem. The people beside us on the corner are always (ALWAYS) at their cabin, except when they come home to mow the lawn. Our other neighbours are mother and daughter, each living in one side of a duplex - they're lovely, and our only contact with them is a smile and quick 'hello.' We've got a back alley, so I've never even met the people living behind us.
The only exception to our quiet street is the woman directly across from us, who I'd always thought was harmlessly eccentric, until one evening when she came up to our front porch to SCREAM at our friends who were warming up their vehicle near her house. Screaming. Screaming and shaking her fist, and telling them they were polluting her air, and that she "would call the police!!!" Just a thought, but wouldn't politely telling us all that the smell/sound was bothering her have been a more effective solution? And what did she think the police would do? The woman drives an ancient vehicle that gives off twice as much grossness compared to my friend's car. Now she's known as my crazy neighbour. I don't even smile and nod.
So we moved into our new home about five weeks ago and have been dilatory about taking brownies around to the neighbors (that's what one does, right?) - although we have introduced ourselves to a few that we've seen in their driveways. These comments make me wonder whether the brownie plan would make us seem pushy or intrusive. Is it preferable just keep a low profile? In particular, I have seen our next door neighbor taking the garbage out, and we've made eye contact, but haven't gotten so much as a wave or smile. Is this a sign that further interaction would be unwelcome?
Coincidentally, the other night I called my neighbor at 11pm to tell her that her garage was left open (we get bikes & tools stolen from time to time on our street). She saw me the next day & thanked me profusely.
We look out for each other around here, without being intrusive. Some of us are friends, some aren't, but we tend to put the greater good of the neighborhood first.
Once you own a home and stress about property values, good neighbors become the silver lining of the pocket you hold your equity in.
@tasterspoon, I always thought it was the existing residents who should bring a welcome gift. That sounds wonderfully nice. I think you can avoid sounding over-eager by *not* offering to have dinner together or making any other plans. Just a short "Hi, this is my name, this is where I'm from, nice to live near you."
@jokerman, actually they may be doing something wrong if the bird is making excessive noise. Ear plugs will NOT work for parrot shrieks. It's a noise you cannot get away from even with closed doors and windows if the bird is outside.
@1stFLHouse, I was dealing with this last summer. Our neighbors thought it would be nice to let their (beautiful and sweet, it's true) African Parrot out in their backyard for fresh air at 6:00 a.m. and 11:00 p.m. daily. It would shriek for hours on end, lonely and hoping for someone to answer it. It sounded like a shrill piano key plonking over and over (and over and over) again because it didn't sing, it just shrieked one or two high pitched loud notes at a time.
Turns out it's against our city's noise ordinances to have an animal creating this kind of loud, sustained noise at these hours. Someone on our street had animal control contact the owners who, after ignoring our polite requests to modify the hours of the "parrot breaks" felt facing a fine was more reason than common decency to bring the bird indoors during those hours.
Eventually, they got tired of the poor thing and gave it away. But I FEEL (and can still hear) your pain.
This post reminds me of that episode of "How I Met Your Mother" where Marshall and Lily make friends with a neighbor couple and then can't get rid of them lol.
I rent an apartment so I have tend to stick to a quick hello if we pass by in the halls or if someone looks like they're carry an armload of stuff simply holding the door open for them. I don't tend to get too involved because I'd rather not have my neighbors as friends and stick to the friends I had before I moved here.
I really hope that was a staged photo.
We have mostly great neighbours. The immediate ones on each side are both elderly ladies so we keep an eye on them both and they are very nice to us. Further around the close we have other people who will do things for each other. There is only one family who no one likes - they are judgemental and rude. It's a big change from our last house where we didn't really see our neighbours much - except when we went back to empty the place before we sold it, we were stopped by SO many people to say goodbye! It was lovely :-)
question: what do you do when you think the neighbors who share your duplex are drug dealers?
our neighbors have frequent 'visitors' who pull up, leave their car running, run inside their house for 10-20 minutes and then are gone. 2-3 times a night. either they have micro-visits with actual friends or they're drug dealers, right?
anyone else lived next door to drug dealers? did it become a problem at all?
i'm slightly concerned we're more apt to be the victims of property crime because of this. we did not know about this when we signed our lease and moved in. to make matters stickier our neighbor is the daughter of our landlord. bringing this to the landlord's attention would effectively be accusing her daughter of illegal behavior.
what do y'all think?
On one side I have loud, slightly crazed neighbors who are a problem only when they leave their outdoor speakers on after midnight. They are very nice people who grow a community garden in their front yard. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
On the other side is a rental unit whose latest tenants brought their chickens, rooster, duck, and two dogs with them. I will trade them for the drug-dealing tenants any day.
To me, the point is that people are different. For every person who thinks that having a neighbor with chickens and ducks is the pits, there is someone else who would delight in it. There are people who value neatness and order, and others who live rather messily. It's nice when you can have a neighborhood in which most people are of the same mind, so the ways of "common" life don't impose on anyone. It's probably a good idea to get an idea of a neighborhood's drift before you move in.
I found this article and comments very interesting, as I have recently moved to France from Britain, and one of the big questions often posed is 'How can I integrate with my French neighbours?' - as though this was some kind of duty or obligation in return for being allowed to live here!
The French themselves do not naturally 'integrate', with social life revolving around close family and friends. Your arrival here goes largely unnoticed.
After many years in central London, I deliberately chose an anonymous apartment block in a beach resort, which has a shifting summer population and 10 months of total peace and quiet once the season is over. I work, so I meet people, but retired friends have got active in their building's residents committee, and met a lot of their neighbours that way.
Personally, I have people who are friends, and people who happen to be neighbours but not necessarily people I want to get to know. Everyone finds their own balance.
American readers of this may be shocked to know that the French are generally un-neighbourly and bad at getting together to resolve a problem or improve a situation: they expect the mayor of their local commune to sort it out, that's why we pay taxes!
Peter-D.
I gotta say, I totally agree with the neighbours children issue. I'm a Mum and I get on really well with most of the neighbours children... I have their respect and they don't give me hassel (that's where 18 yrs experience of working with Children gets you) but still, some are a right pain and they didn't lick it off the street.... the parents are often horrible and quick to jump into any scrape their child gets into, they drag everyone else into the fray to boot.
There's a saying...
"Children are like farts, you can just about stand your own'
we live in the same complex and I, too, have had the same issue. Didn't know how to bow out gracefully every time I was asked to come over (which was every day) - this person waited by the door for me each time I came home. Then, one day, for no real reason, I just stopped talking to her, just like that. That was how I set my own boundaries (without really thinking of her neediness, loneliness, etc.) I felt really bad....so that went on for a couple of months - I just ignored her and she got it. But here's the thing when we get older, we really don't know what boundaries even mean. So now, when I see her, I don't run anymore, I smile at her and it seems that that's enough. works for me!
Hi! It is true, sometimes you found lovely people that help you when you need and also you may help too, a true friend; but at the corner you can find some one that you gonna hate XD crazy people!! whom shows what is happen in your house and forget their own house, well if you found the first option your are LUCKY !! be happy and appreciate them, but if you found the second case, start to believe that over there doesn't exist anyone, or be prepare to run XD all depend of the person you "meet", and with this two cases I believe that the good thing that you can do it's living your life a part, just knowing basics as name, what he or she does, and end, say hello and byeee! nicely XD I live in the border with El Paso and Juarez, and I found both types of neighbor a friend for forever and some that I prefer believe to my mental health that is not in there :) as people said "this is happen all the time.. everywhere" :D
I am, at the minimum, clean, quiet, law abiding, and respectful of others' property and privacy. The few neighbors not reciprocating even that minimum are ignored-avoided-shunned by the rest except when the police must be called. I'm friends with some, but most neighbors are indistinguishable to me, and that's standard here. In such a dense, transient community it would be foolish to imagine that neighbors automatically are to be trusted or befriended.
A difficult couple lives in the house next to mine. They repeatedly went through my front porch mailbox to look at its contents and take mail out of it, apparently thinking that I wasn't home. I don't know their motive. I knew from experience that talking to them would only give them an opening to act more obnoxious. I just upgraded to a large locking mailbox, as they found the next time they tampered with my mail. I'd have had to call the police if that hadn't stopped them. They never explained, apologized for, or mentioned their behavior.
That couple was so unacceptably invasive that we also built a privacy fence of the maximum height. They'd repeatedly banged on our door when we were going to sleep to complain unreasonably that we were invading their privacy. The additional insulation helps, and I'm thankful that we could afford it. Other than that household, from my perspective this is a relatively peaceful street.
If anyone is still viewing this post, please help!
My two cats and I moved into a second floor apartment three months ago. It was all above board, and the landlords are aware, and it is written into the lease. After about a month, the downstairs neighbor complained to the LLs. The LLs asked me to try and work something out with neighbor. I spoke with him, and explained that I was finally getting my rugs and pads delivered and there should be a significant noise reduction within about a week.
I put down DOUBLE padding, and then the rug over more than 80% of the living room and at least 80% of the bedroom. He is complaining that he can still hear the cats at night running and playing. He suggested I crate them at night so he can sleep. When I asked him about the hours he really needed quiet, he stated from 8:30 PM to 6:00 AM. I told him I would not be crating the cats.
I must point out that my entire apartment is over his two bedrooms - his and his daughters.
Am I out of line here? Have I done enough to try and be a good neighbor? I don't want this man upset, but I don't want to curtail my life, just because he claims the cats are loud.
Please help.