Hi AT,
Does AT have any advice for couples who are moving in for the first time and dealing with the merging/editing of possessions and creating a style that feels like home to both people?
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This is our first place together (we literally got the keys YESTERDAY), and we are really excited. During the past month we've been getting ready for the move by going through our respective stuff: posting furniture on CL and SFFN, as well as making numerous trips to Goodwill, Green Apple, and Amoeba to give away/sell various items. We've both made progress in terms of culling our possessions, but now that we are really, truly moving in together, we will have to navigate the tricky emotional waters of mixing his stuff & my stuff . . . and I am just a little scared, especially since neither of us has done this before. (I'm 30, and he's 32.)
Thanks!
Miki
Image: roger a
Dear Miki,
As with all other aspects of coupling, it can take a long time for two different styles to come together in a way that's fully harmonious. So approach your shared nest with open minds and hearts!
Disparate styles can and do mesh beautifully. You can catalyze this a bit by making it into a little game. After you've unpacked and found places for your respective furniture and belongings, allow one another to delicately nominate a few more unfamilar things for CL. (Be careful though: sometimes the ugliest object can be treasured by one person for reasons that are unfathomable to the other. It helps to cultivate some long-term tolerance for your partner's lapses.) After you get rid of these things, reward yourselves by finding replacements -- or a few new things -- together.
Anyone else?
Personally, I feel that if there is enough space, there should be dedicated spaces that are her's and his only. A space, could be as small as a shelf, where anything goes. It can be easy to overly merge when you move in together so it's important that each person gets to keep that individual aspect of themselve.
I'd place everything in descending order of size, i.e., big pieces of furniture first, working your way down so that knick-knacks are absolutely last (ideally even after you've lived in the space for some time).
Purchase at least one "big" item together - a rug, chair, table - which will help set the stylistic tone for the rest of the space.
Be delicate with language! Try for "I'm not sure how well X is working with Y," vs. "UGH, that X is so hideous!"
Once you've lived in the space for a while, do a round of culling kitchen stuff again - chances are you have plenty of duplicates, and clutter in the kitchen tends to drive people a little crazy.
Make sure each room has at least one key item that is beloved to each person.
Enjoy!
This is what I went through just a bit ago, my girlfriend and I moved into a studio together, and had to go through the big task of combining our styles. A lot of what we had was unisex deisgnwise but something were not. So we each allowed the other to have a few "girly" or "boyish" pieces that we really loved, and made the rest as much of both of us as we could.
"helloat" you are right on about the language comment. I had a traumatic experience with a now ex trying to merge stuff and language was a huge factor.
But what I wanted to say was in line with your comment, the HGTV show "Designing for the Sexes" is great for learning diplomatic language and sometimes even getting ideas. It's funny when one person wants mid-century modern and the other wants French country but somehow they always find a compromise. Lucky them... ;->
I've combined a couple times and here's what I've found made it easier: decide what areas you each need in order to live comfortably. For instance I really need a place to read with a comfortable chair, my books nearby, and a table for a cup of tea; he really needed a space for his computer paraphernalia that was compact and organized with everything at fingertip reach (his definition). Once you setup those basic 'must have' areas, living together is much easier, and then refining "the look" is simpler. Reupholster and paint, where possible, so you unite your furnishings with a combined look... or agree to head out shopping to replace something or add something new. I definitely advise buying something together, new sofa, or artwork, or dishes... so there's something the two of you brought into the house together.
i am going through the SAME thing right now; it is made even harder by the fact that he isn't really into design as much as i am...so 'looks' don't even factor in to when i kindly ask him to sacrifice things. our most awkward trade? i agreed to put up the poster of As You Like It because he's the star (even though the poster is a photo of him & his ex-love-interest) so that he would agree to NOT put up the Bon Jovi poster.
Why is it that Bon Jovi is the ONLY musical artist to not have ANY artistic cover art, concert posters, anything?? We are not teenagers in 1984. I digress.
Add me to the list of people dealing with this. I found that a combination of the "His/Her" shelf thing is working well as well as each of us getting a room to "oversee design". Example: I got the livingroom and get to design direct the pieces (we still need to agree) and I got to choose paint color scheme, he got the bedroom and is doing the same thing. There are 12 shelves in our built in curio cabinent we each get five and two shelves are where our collections "meet and greet" eachother. We are BOTH working on the kitchen and we each own the rights to our studios. So far so good... but you have to be open to the inevitable. He/She won't like your favorite painting and how you handle that is always important. (I find if you "have to" get rid of a piece you start the bargaining. "Ok, I'll get rid of painting y - but can we rethink chair x?" Most of the time it works.
I'm scared to even do this. I love all the things I have collected and i'm a little anal about my home. I'm not sure if I can let a boyfriend move in now.
Ditto! I have been dealing with this for eemingly eternity! When my other half wants to show-off a prized item he has "scored" at a garage sale on the way home from work, we *have* to have a little talk...
"Put it in storage, dear. It is much toooooo valuable to have on display!"
Teehee!
They say the need to strike a compromise may require giving up some of our wants. But when it comes to home sweet home... um, yeah right.
Rucy is right. Draw up a floorplan of what furniture you need to have, rather than showing up with a U-haul saying, "Where does this go?"
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